Memories
by scribblemoose
Summary: GFs behaving badly, confused rememberings and a whole new adventure... COMPLETE! Reviews welcome! NB FF8 Belongs to Squaresoft, not me.
1. Energy

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Characters and backstory belong to Squaresoft, of course. The rest is mine!

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Chapter 1 – Energy

Rinoa watched Squall across the room, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. He scowled at the uncooperative computer controls, trying to think of anything that might work. His hair fell in his eyes as he worked: oh, how she wished she could brush it back. But she wouldn't dare: much as she knew he cared for her, she also knew his temper, and that somehow he hated being touched. Or maybe he liked it too much.

Irvine caught her eye and winked. She smiled, flushing slightly, embarrassed that he'd caught her moon-eyed over Squall. If only it had been Irvine she'd fallen for: warm, open, sexy...

"Dammit, you stupid machine, let me in! Bollocks"

Rinoa resisted an urge to laugh at Squall's frustration, reminding herself that they were on a mission and it was very important.

Irvine put a steady hand on Squall's shoulder. "You need a break. Let Selphie have a go."

"It's alright, I can manage," Squall snarled.

Selphie bounced over to him. "Oh, go on Squall. Please?" 

Even Squall couldn't resist Selphie's enthusiasm. 

"Whatever." He relinquished the computer to Selphie and went to the window. The control centre was positioned on a cliff high above a long, sandy beach; he watched the rhythm of the waves, lost in thought.

Sometimes when Rinoa watched him she felt almost overwhelmingly sad. She had sensed a warmth in him that he was careful to hide; she knew he cared deeply about his friends and yet he was always building a wall to keep them out. She knew he hurt, although she didn't know why. His cool grey eyes gazed out of the window, soft dark hair falling across his beautiful face. She sighed.

"Go and talk to him," whispered Irvine. "it can't be good for him to brood like that."

"I don't know what to say" confessed Rinoa. "He looks so... far away."

"You'll think of something."

"But what if…"

Irvine stopped her with a look, raising one eyebrow. He knew her so well.

"Alright," she smiled at him, "cover me."

* * * * * * *

Squall was aware of her crossing the room, felt her presence drift to his side. It felt right, but disturbingly so. In the instant he imagined her with him, he imagined the unbearable pain of losing her. He closed his eyes. ~_No~._ He couldn't go through that again.

"Hey. Pretty complicated computer, huh?" ~_Oh great_,~ thought Rinoa, ~_I can just tell this is going to go really badly.~_

He shrugged. "Selphie can do it, I'm sure."

"Yeah." ~_Come on Rin, you can do better than this.~_ "So what happens when the security thing comes down?"

"We go and fetch the crystals. Then we get out of here as quick as possible." At last he turned to look at her. "Safely."

She was lost in his eyes. He cared, she knew he did. Maybe now was the time…

"Yes!!" Selphie leapt up excitedly, punching the air. "Got it!!" Irvine caught her and spun her round.

"That's my girl. Knew you could do it!"

"Right, let's move," Squall had turned his back on the view and was already striding towards the door. "You know what to do. We'll meet the others at the main gates once we've got the crystals."

"I hope they've found a car or we'll have to run mighty fast." Irvine picked up his gun and fell in behind Squall as they left the control room, followed closely by Selphie and Rinoa.

"You're a genius, Selph," hissed Rinoa "but that was damn bad timing."

"Oops! Sorry. Were things going well?"

Rinoa regarded her friend with a wry smile. "Actually, no. Not really."

Selphie squeezed her hand reassuringly as they broke into a jog to keep up with Squall and Irvine's long strides. "Never mind, Rin. It was meant to happen. It will one day."

Rinoa sighed. "I hope I'll still be young enough to enjoy it, Selph. Sometimes I wonder."

* * * * * * *

Squall and Irvine ran down the hall, crossed the short gangway over the main factory workshop and came to a stop by the elevator door.

"Lift or stairs, Squall?"

"Lift. So long as Selphie hasn't knocked the controls out," Squall pressed the button.

"Of course not" exclaimed Selphie indignantly, "at least... I don't think so."

Squall granted her a rare smile as the lift doors opened. They got in, four full grown adults squashed into a space designed for one security guard and a moomba. Rinoa found herself nestled into Squall's side, breathing the heady scent of his battered leather jacket. She tried to keep her mind on the mission ahead of them, but it wasn't easy.

The lift beeped, lurched to a halt and opened its doors to reveal something that looked like an angry rug with a lot of teeth.

"Damn! Irvine, can you take it out?"

"Too close, man."

"Okay, Selphie, Irvine with me. Rinoa, magic. Try cold stuff, it looks warm to me."

Almost a joke, thought Rinoa, what's the world coming to?

The fight went well at first: the monster seemed intent on smothering them, which left it wide open to attack as Irvine shot at it and Squall slashed it's underbelly with this gunblade. Selphie was having more trouble with her attacks: at the edge of the creature was a row of scales that she couldn't seem to penetrate. Rinoa drew her strength and hurled a blizzard at the creature, but with no impact; if anything it seemed to get more vigorous.

"Fuck!" yelled Squall, "no, fire, Rinoa, fire! It's got singed where Irvine's shot it, I think it'll burn!"

Rinoa gathered a fireball in her hand and drew her arm back to strike; she could see Selphie struggling and knew their time to get the crystals was running out.

"Burn!" she commanded, and threw her spell as fast as she could.

The effect was more dramatic than she had dared hope: the second the fireball hit the rug the monster ignited, flames rushing along its length. It screamed with pain and rage, flopping to the floor. Irvine and Squall jumped out of the way but Rinoa watched in horror as Selphie was knocked to the floor under heaps of flaming fur.

"No! Selphie!" In an instant Irvine hit the floor and caught Selphie by the shoulders, rolling her clear. Squall hit the rug with the flat of his gunblade, batting the flaming mass away, sparks flying, smoke billowing. Quickly Riona summoned Leviathan to flood the hall and quench the flames.

Coughing weakly, Selphie was gathered up in Irvine's arms as the soggy mess of charred fur, scale and teeth was swept away. Squall, drenched in the sudden flood, gasped at the shock of the cold water, Lion Heart hissing steam, his wet hair plastered to his face. He turned to Irvine, who was checking Sephie's pulse.

"Selph? Are you OK?"

" mfine... "Selphie murmured, "just w...inded."

Squall quickly passed Irvine a small vial. "Give her this. Wait here. Rinoa and I will go get the crystals."

Irvine nodded. "Hurry!"

Squall turned to head down the corridor at a run, but not before he'd noticed how Irvine's fingers had laced themselves, knuckles white, with Selphie's. He caught Rinoa's eye, briefly, recognition passed between them.

"Thanks for the fire. Let's go."

The corridor they ran down opened out into a lobby, with a central seating area and doors ranged along each wall. Remembering the schematics Quistis had shown them, Squall hardly broke his stride as he chose one. Just as they were about to charge through, the next door along flew open and a small security bot sped out, only to be swiftly dispatched by Squall's gunblade before it could so much as charge up its lasers.

"Squall, hurry!" Rinoa was already through the door, holding it open for him. He followed with a nod. 

"Wow." He stopped on the threshold, transfixed for a moment by the sight before them. The room was cavernous, energy crystals growing like stalactites from the ceiling, glistening and reflecting a million colours.

"Squall, it's beautiful."

He stole a glance at her face, bathed in colour, her eyes sparkling with delight. 

"Yes," he whispered, "so beautiful."

"Listen... I can hear music. It's coming from over there." She pointed to a small pool in the corner of the room.

"It could be a trap, Rinoa. Be careful."

"It's okay," Rinoa crossed to the pool. "Wow. It kind of makes you feel..."

"Clear headed?"

"Yes!" She spun round to look at him and the instant their eyes locked, the memories flooded back.

Squall gasped, it was almost painful to remember all at once.

"Rinoa! You... I..."

"Oh Squall! How could we forget? Why…"

He cut short her sentence with a kiss, gathering her up in his arms with all the longing he'd been storing a way for an age. His lips covered hers and they melted into each other, singing from the pool filling his ears, overwhelmed by the smell and taste of her, ocean and vanilla. 

Finally, reluctantly, they parted.

"How could we forget?"

Squall brushed her hair from her face. "I don't know. The Guardians, maybe? It happened before to some of us, remember? The orphanage..."

"Yes, but that was more than a year ago. We all write everything down..."

"Well yes… so there's only one explanation. Something must have changed the past, and this reminded us... or..."

"But Ellone always said that couldn't be done. Changing the past."

He shrugged helplessly. "I don't know." He found he didn't much care, either. He just wanted to kiss her again. And never stop.

"Oh Squall, how could I…" Again he silenced her with his lips, drinking in the softness of her, filling his hands with her beautiful hair.

"Squall…" she murmured, "the energy crystals..."

He moaned softly. There were always crystals, or shards of something, or bits of something else. He didn't want any of it. He just wanted Rinoa. In his arms, like this. Forever.

__

~How can you forget you love someone this much?~

He hugged her tight. "Okay, crystals. But whatever happens, just try and remember? Promise?"

"Of course" she kissed him briefly. "I promise. And later we can have a long… talk."

Reluctantly he let her go and pulled his rucksack off his back. "Quistis said at least three good sized ones. There's some in the corner over there already broken off. And some in the pool, in case that makes a difference."

She nodded. They swiftly gathered the crystals, got ready to leave. As they went to the door Squall risked one more kiss, knowing how crucial their mission was but unable to resist, just in case.

And then they ran through the door, and back towards Selphie and Irvine.

"I remember something else!" gasped Squall, "Irvine and Selphie, they were…."

"What? Oh, no, I think they're just friends. Although Irvine would like more, so who knows, maybe one day..."

"What? Rinoa..."

But in the instant it took him to slow a fraction and look over his shoulder at her, her forgot what he'd been going to say. He couldn't even remember collecting the crystals, but could feel the extra weight in his pack.

"You OK, Squall?"

"Yes... the strangest thing... I think maybe I banged my head or something."

"Mmm... well, we're all tired and a bit beat up... let's get back."

They found Irvine and Selphie just where they'd left them. Selphie looked pale but she was standing and looked almost her usual cheerful self.

"You got them? I knew you would!"

"Are you okay?" Rinoa hugged her friend briefly, "you took quite a hit."

"I'm fine. Let's go."

Squall led the way back to the elevator where once more they huddled in the confined space. Squall shook his head, trying to clear his mind and remember.

"Hey, Man, you're like a wet dog!" Irvine protested. Squall looked momentarily confused, then realised he was soaked through – of course, Leviathan. 

"Blame Rinoa – she brought the flood!" As he grinned at Rinoa, he realised she was wet too – at least the front of her T shirt was. Funny... if she'd called the Guardian she should have been clear. He noticed his confusion mirrored in her eyes.

Before he had a chance to think about it any more the lift arrived at the lower level and they all piled out into the factory area. Squall raised his hand to stop them, spotting a movement behind one of the huge banks of steel machinery. 

"Irvine," he whispered, "did you see that?"

"Already got it." Irvine focused steadily down the sights of his gun, fired. A bullet ricocheted of the far wall.

"Damn," said Squall, "you're losing your touch..."

But as he spoke another ricochet sounded, then a squeal, followed by a thud.

Squall laughed. "You show-off!"

Irvine tipped his hat with a wink. "Glad to be of service."

"There could be more. Keep your eyes open." They moved cautiously across the factory floor. Squall ushered the others through the door to the reception area, but just as he turned to run through the door himself a piercing alarm sounded and the ground beneath them rumbled heavily... Squall didn't have to look to know they were in trouble.

"Fuck! Quistis, where are you?"

"It's an AT705 security bot, Squall," Selphie said, her voice still weak, "we could take it out with Quez."

"Quez is with Zell. Damn, what took us so long?"

"Never mind that, do we fight or run?" Rinoa braced herself, already anticipating his response. 

"Fight! Try to hold it off 'til they get here."

"If they get here," Irvine murmured to Selphie. "You OK?" he squeezed her elbow gently.

Selphie nodded. "They'll get here," she said, almost as if convincing herself.

"Selphie, Rinoa, thunder spells and lots of them. Irvine, call Shiva, we'll try to freeze it's batteries out. Just keep going and hope the others get here." Squall drew his gunblade and charged.

The security bot, some twenty foot high, all gleaming metal and pipes, plunged towards them, pulling back its huge cannon ready to fire. Squall whipped his blade round in an arc, slicing through cables and sparking off steel. Circuits hissed and fizzed but the cannon relentlessly fired. He rolled clear; Rinoa and Selphie's spells shot lightning around its casing, but still it fired.

"It's got a conductor!" yelled Selphie "no damage!"

"Shiva's nearly ready" Irvine grabbed Rinoa's hand to get her attention "Rinoa, quick, Leviathan. Now!"

Squall had already hurled himself back at the machine, hacking at anything he could find that looked remotely vulnerable with a savage energy.

"Squall! Watch out!"

He turned just in time to see Leviathan rising in front of him, water cascading from nowhere towards him. In the instant the deluge hit the AT705 Shiva appeared, hurling ice so cold it froze the water on contact. For the second time in less than an hour Squall was drenched from head to foot, chilling him to the bone. Catching his breath he lifted Lion Heart over his head and smashed down on the security bot, shattering the now frozen and brittle casing and slicing wires underneath.

"They're here!" Rinoa was tugging at his arm, "come on, they're here!"

Squall turned and ran as the beginnings of an explosion started to rumble in the AT705, following the others as they hurled themselves into the back of the jeep.

"Go!" ordered Squall, as Irvine and Zell pulled him into the vehicle, electricity crackling across the trail of water that followed him. "Put your foot down, Quist!"

Quistis obliged, wrenching the steering wheel to turn the jeep out of the factory compound, raising a dust cloud behind them as they sped away and finally reached the road to Balamb. Squall sat back on his heels, catching his breath at last.

"Man, you're… wet!"

He looked up to see an amused Zell grinning at him. Relief washed over him, even as the water ran down the back of his neck, and he started to laugh.

"Not my fault!" he pointed at Rinoa, "blame the mad woman with the water guardian!"

"It was Irvine's idea!"

"Hey, man, what can I say... except it worked, didn't it?"

Squall was still laughing, trying to wring water out of his t-shirt, with little success.

Quistis checked out the scene in the rear view mirror, just in time to see Squall shake his head vigorously, drenching his friends in icy water. ~_Good Gods_~, she thought.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard Squall laugh.

* * * * * * *


	2. Matchmaker

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Characters and backstory belong to Squaresoft, of course. The rest is mine…

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Chapter 2 - Matchmaker

Squall sat in the quad, dry at last and pleasantly warm. He looked at the stars, remembering the first night he'd met Rinoa, at that stupid graduation dance. When she was still with Seifer.

He held his diary, a journal he'd kept for almost two years, ever since they realised that letting the Guardians into their minds could effect their memories. Fortunately the memory loss wasn't permanent: so long as they had triggers, things came back more or less intact. It had been a pain at first, but now Squall quite enjoyed writing things down. He wondered sometimes if he'd inherited a liking, even a talent, for writing from his father. 

Tonight, though, the words wouldn't come. He'd diligently recorded his account of the trip to the factory, the control tower, the monster, the energy crystals – but he still couldn't remember how he'd got them. He remembered the lobby, going to the door, but after that nothing until he was out and on the way back to the others.

He sighed deeply. Suddenly it felt like it had been a long day.

"Hey, man."

He looked up to see Irvine smiling at him.

"Hey."

"Mind if I join you?"

Squall shook his head. "It's a free country."

"Yay, thanks to us."

"I guess so."

"So, what's up? You looked kinda pissed off."

"No, I'm just... ah, it's nothing."

"Okay." 

They sat in silence for a while.

"Squall... it's not Rinoa, is it?"

"What? No... what about Rinoa?"

"Well, it's just... oh, nothing. Don't mind me."

"Oh." Squall fiddled with the ribbon that marked today in his diary.

"Close call with Selphie and that rug thing," said Irvine.

"Yeah. Is she OK?"

"Fine. Thanks. They kept her in the infirmary overnight. A bit quiet, but that's understandable. I was worried."

"You really like her, huh?" Squall was amused to see a trace of a blush across Irvine's nose.

"You know me and women, man," he grinned. A little too easily.

Squall snorted. "Yeah, right."

"Anyway, look who's talking."

"Oh no, not me. Selphie's a friend, that's all. She's all yours."

"I didn't mean Selph... damn, you're mighty thick sometimes for a Garden Commander and world saver."

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~No~, thought Squall,_ ~I know what you mean. I just don't want to talk about it. Ever.~_

"You know today, at the factory?" Squall briskly changed the subject.

"Yeah?" Irvine hadn't managed to stay friends with Squall for all this time without knowing when to diplomatically back off.

"What happened when Rinoa and I went to get the crystals?"

"Well," Irvine considered carefully, "I gave Seffie the potion, made her comfortable and we waited. After a while she woke up properly, we chatted. That's it."

"Were we gone long? Longer than you expected?"

"Um... yeah. Mind you, time's weird, you know, since Ultimecia, I can't judge it right. Never feels the same. But we made it, didn't we? I guess you had all those doors to work out.."

"I can't remember."

"What?"

"I can't remember what happened. And we can't have just grabbed the crystals and run: I've gone over it again and again. I went to the door – right one first time – and next I remember we were on our way back. I don't even know how we got the crystals. All I know is we took too long – that AT705 was on a timer and we blew it."

"Not by much. And there was the fight with that carpet thing."

Squall shook his head. "Too close. And why can't I remember?"

"Guardians?"

"No. I can remember everything else, no problem. Anyway, it always takes a while, more like weeks or months than minutes, when the Guardians..." his voice faded out. He still wasn't comfortable with the idea that the forces that had saved his life so many times did so by feeding on his mind.

"Have you asked Rinoa?"

"No. I haven't seen her since we got back, she went straight to her room."

"Well there you are. She'll remember."

"I suppose so."

"Is she okay?"

"What?"

Irvine sighed. Sometimes Squall had all the communication skills of a blobra. "Rinoa, is she okay? You said she'd gone to her room?"

Squall shrugged. "I guess so. I think she just went to get changed. She was a bit.." 

~Wet, he remembered. In the elevator. She was wet.~

"… tired," he finished, without conviction. "You know, big day tomorrow and all."

Irvine flashed him a grin. "Maybe that explains what you two were up to in there."

Squall laughed, in spite of himself. "Do you ever think of anything else?"

"No, not really," Irvine shrugged. "I don't have to. Not like you leader types."

Squall sighed_. ~He looked different,~ _Irvine thought_.~ Not nearly as uptight as usual. Oh, what the fuck. It's worth a try.~_

"Squall... you know Rinoa really likes you, right?"

Squall's grey eyes narrowed. ~_Oh no,_ _not this again.~_

"Irvine, don't. She likes me as a friend. Which is how I like her. Now stop matchmaking and leave us alone. If you want a romance go and ask Selphie out, or try and get Zell back with that girl in the library. Leave me out of it."

"Okay. So long as you remember I tried. When you're old and lonely."

"Yeah, right, whatever."

Irvine shook his head sadly and got up to leave, adjusting his hat, checking his duster pocket for his keys.

"Goodnight man."

"Goodnight." Squall clapped Irvine affectionately on the shoulder, smiled at him conspiratorially. "And good luck."

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~This is weird,~ Irvine thought as he strode off to his room, leaving Squall standing in the quad, gazing at the stars. ~_No storming off, telling me to mind my own business; manly displays of affection, and he's even noticed that Zell and his girlfriend broke up.~_

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~What on earth was wrong with him?~

* * * * * * *

Rinoa brushed her long dark hair in front of the mirror. The early morning sun flooded her room: she loved the spring in Balamb, fresh green colours everywhere and the smell of wet grass. She was about to pick up her pen and try to finish writing her journal when there was a knock on the door. Angelo barked dutifully once, then went back to sleep.

"Hi, come in, it's open!"

The door swooshed open to reveal Quistis, tall and beautiful and squinting in the sunlight.

"Hi Rin. Just thought I'd drop by and see if you felt like joining me for breakfast."

"Sure. Is everything OK?"

"Fine." Quistis sat on the bed while Rinoa started stuffing files and pens into a bag. "Exams today?"

"Oh yeah. Big time. And the Fire Caverns this afternoon."

"Ah, the Fire Cavern," Quistis sounded distinctly wistful, "I remember it well."

"You took Squall on his exam, didn't you?"

"Oh yes. When he got Ifrit. He seemed so… young, then."

"Do you miss being an instructor, Quis?"

Quistis turned clear blue eyes on her quickly. "No, of course not. Squall and Cid are right, I like organising things. And I'd miss the adventure if I couldn't go on so many missions. I think I'm hooked on adrenaline."

Rinoa smiled sympathetically. "With you on that one, sister."

"Actually, Rin... there was something I wanted to ask you."

__

Ah, that makes sense. Quistis wasn't the sort of person who just dropped by casually for breakfast without some kind of ulterior motive.

"What is it, Quisty?"

Quistis hesitated a moment, smoothing Rinoa's bedspread, picking invisible fluff off the patchwork.

"This may sound a bit odd, but... did anything happen to Squall yesterday?"

Rinoa frowned. "Happen? Well, he got soaked twice and attacked by a savage carpet and a huge security bot, but apart from that…"

"Where did you find the crystals?"

"Um... where you said they'd be. In that room. Great schematics, by the way, Squall found the right one first time."

"And nothing happened there?"

"What? Well … I don't.."

"Only he seems different."

Rinoa sighed irritably. "Quistis, what's the matter? He seemed fine to me yesterday. Come on, you're worrying me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing... no, sorry, it's just me. I just thought he seemed... happier than usual."

"Happier?! What on earth... oh. I see." Rinoa tried to fight down her annoyance, but with little success. "You mean you thought something had happened between us. I'm sorry, but no. It was just another mission. No romance, no illicit snogging under rug monsters. Just me and Squall, following orders, we fetched the crystals, went back to the others… I mean, Selphie was wounded for fuck's sake! What did you think we would be doing!"

"I'm sorry, Rin, I…"

It might have been nerves about her impending exams, or it might have been something else, but Rinoa couldn't recover her temper, even of Quistis did look genuinely repentant.

"Is that what this is all about? You know, I get sick of it sometimes. Everyone knows I like Squall, and they're always sniggering and trying to get us together, and worrying what would happen if we did, and if it would cure him or turn him into a crap leader, and just waiting for something to happen, and I can't take it anymore!" Rinoa struggled to hold back her tears and turned away as Quistis reached out to her.

"Rin, I'm sorry. Please."

All at once Rinoa abandoned herself to Quistis' arms and let the tears come.

"Quis, I love him so much," she sobbed, "sometimes it fucking hurts."

"I know. I know." Quis stroked Rinoa's back, a little stiffly. "But you know he likes you too. He just has stuff to sort out. And he is our Commander. He has to remember that."

Rinoa sniffed loudly and took the hanky Quistis offered her.

"But it's been nearly two years! I can't wait forever for him to make up his mind."

"Maybe you should talk to him?"

Rinoa flopped onto the bed, sinking her fingers into Angelo's comforting layers of fur.

"That's what Irvine said. And I tried. But somehow the time didn't come and…" she gave Quistis a weak smile, "he's not exactly easy to talk to, is he?"

She smiled back. "No. That's a fair comment. Oh, come on, Rinoa. This is just because you're nervous about your exams. You know it'll work out in the end. You were made for each other."

Rinoa blew her nose noisily. "I guess that answers your question, anyway. Nothing happened. If he's happy, you can rest assured it's not because of me."

Quistis patted her gently on the shoulder. "It's maybe wishful thinking on my part then. Or just my overactive imagination. Now, what about breakfast?"

Rinoa nodded, went to the sink and splashed cold water on her face. "Oh, Quisty... you won't say anything about this to anyone, will you?" She picked up her bag. "Only they already think I'm a complete wimp about Squall."

"Of course not. And I'm sure no-one thinks that. Now hurry up, or they'll run out of waffles."

"I'm way too nervous for waffles!" 

" I don't believe that for a second."

They left together arm in arm.

"Quistis?"

"Yep?"

"What were the crystals for? The ones we collected yesterday?" she looked sheepishly at her friend "I might have sort of missed the start of the briefing."

Quistis looked at her sternly over the top of her glasses, but there was a twinkle in her eye. "I don't think we know for certain yet. Xu said there was a whole set of different crystalline structures that the Dia are collecting. I think she hopes that by studying them she can work out what kind of weapon they're building."

"Oh."

They reached the cafeteria.

"They're pretty, aren't they? It seems all wrong that they should be used to hurt people?"

"Yes. Well. Let's hope Xu can work it out, then it won't happen."

* * * * * * *

Irvine tiptoed up to the door of the Infirmary and tried to sneak a look through the window. Unfortunately for him a nurse was just coming through and he found himself flat on his back with a slightly throbbing nose. 

"And what exactly are you doing there... Irvine Kinneas, isn't it?"

"Yes Ma'am," Irvine scrambled to his feet, dusting himself down in a somewhat exaggerated fashion. "I was just checking on Selphie."

"Oh, of course. Sniffing around the ladies, as usual. I've heard all about you, Mr Kinneas."

Irvine did his best to look offended. "I'm sure I've no idea what you mean."

The nurse snorted with considerable cynicism. "She's supposed to be in bed, resting. And besides, visiting time isn't for another three hours, and she'll probably be out by then. I'm sure even you can wait that long."

"Well, I just… oh, please let me see her," Irvine mustered as much of his considerable charm as he could, "you see, she's a very special friend, and however much you say she's alright I just can't believe you until I see her with my own eyes, and you wouldn't want me fretting, would you? You can't stand in the way of true love." As a final assault on the nurse's resolve Irvine treated her to his loveliest smile, blue eyes twinkling.

"True lust, more like," she snorted. Then, as the smile worked its magic: "Oh, alright. Just ten minutes. And if anyone asks, I wasn't here."

Irvine considered a quick kiss to seal his new conquest's fate, but thought better of it. Instead he bowed ceremonially, winked and rushed through the door before she could change her mind.

He spotted Selphie straight away, conspicuously out of bed and gazing out of the window, singing to herself. He took a moment to enjoy just looking at her; her slight, athletic body, bouncy chestnut hair and bright, mischievous face. She was in a world of her own, as usual.

"Hey, Selph!"

"Irvine!" she ran to him and threw her arms around his middle. "They kept me in for observation. But I'm okay, I can go back to work this afternoon. Or tomorrow at the latest."

Irvine caught her scent as she hugged him, strawberries and cinnamon.

"That's great, 'Elf. We were worried, you know."

"Were you really?" She stepped back and looked at him almost seriously. "Now, Irvine," she chastised him, "you should know better than to worry about me. It was only a rug, after all. Whoever heard of anyone being hurt by a floor covering?"

He grinned at her. "How about the great lino massacre of Esthar? Or the lunar parquet incident? The unwelcome mat disaster of Balamb High Street?"

She laughed and hugged him again. "You always cheer me up. Oh! I forgot?"

"What, my 'Elf?"

"It's Rinoa's exams today, her finals. I promised I'd go to the training centre with her after breakfast."

"That's okay, she knows you were kept here overnight."

"Yes, but I promised, she really needs to take her mind off stuff if she's going to pass. You know, with her father and Squall and everything. I hate to let her down."

"That's okay, I'll go practice with her."

"Would you? Oh, thanks, Irvine. You're such a good friend. Rin will so appreciate it."

Irvine checked the time on the wall clock over the door. "I'll go now, she'll need to get started."

"Okay, I'll see you later, at the briefing." He turned to go. "Oh, and Irvine?"

"Yes, my 'Elf?"

"Thanks for dropping by."

She beamed at him, and winked, before turning back to the window, humming softly.

* * * * * * * 

When Irvine reached the cafeteria he was surprised to see Quistis and Rinoa eating breakfast together. Although they were friends they had never seemed particularly close, and yet here they were, eating waffles and giggling in a particularly girly way. He felt unusually intimidated as he approached their table.

"Hi girls." Rinoa and Quistis welcomed him with smiles and shuffled round the table to make room for him, easing his discomfort at interrupting them. "Selphie sent me. She has given me strict instructions to take one Rinoa Heartilly to the Training Centre and help her practice beating small defenceless creatures to a pulp."

"She remembered!" Rinoa was clearly delighted. "Oh, she is so sweet."

"Of course. And she looks much better."

"Thank goodness," sighed Quistis. "She looked so pale last night."

"Yeah. Even Squall was worried." Irvine looked quickly round the room. "Has anyone seen him this morning?"

"No," said Rinoa, quietly, looking suddenly subdued, Irvine thought, "not since last night, when we got back."

"He'll be along later, I'm sure," reassured Quistis, "he won't forget it's a big day for you."

"'Course," added Irvine, unable to shake the feeling that there was a subtext here he wasn't quite getting, "he's probably still drying out after you soaked him yesterday."

Rinoa laughed, despite herself. "Yeah, I hope he doesn't catch cold."

"I meant to ask you about that," Quistis gave Irvine what he called her 'librarian look' over the top of her little glasses, "what happened, exactly?"

"Not my fault!" Irvine put up his hands in surrender. "Just our enterprising novice here decided to use her initiative and call Leviathan to clean the place up."

"You liar!" squealed Rinoa, "it was your idea!" She caught his questioning look and started to giggle. "Well, the second time, anyway."

"Twice?" Quistis arched an eyebrow in disapproval. "I hope you took the mission seriously, Irvine Kinneas, and not as an opportunity for practical jokes."

"Of course not, Quisty," Irvine soothed, "if you hadn't been late we could've returned our hero to you completely dry. Well, maybe just a little damp at the edges."

"Well alright," Quistis refused to rise to the bait, "but don't forget it's dangerous to mix water elements with electricity. Leviathan could've been hurt."

"Yes, Quis," said Rinoa quickly, "honestly, we wouldn't have done it if things hadn't taken so long."

"Mmm," said Quistis, "well."

"Come on, sexy cadet," Irvine got up and held out his hand to Rinoa "time to menace the wildlife."

"Okay," Rinoa took his hand and hitched her bag onto her shoulder. "Thanks for breakfast, Quis."

"You're welcome," Quistis smiled, albeit somewhat stiffly, "good luck for today. You'll be fine."

Irvine was already on his way to the door.

"What's got her knickers in a twist?" he whispered as Rinoa caught up with him, "She's so uptight these days."

"I don't know," said Rinoa, "but I think she finds it hard not being an instructor anymore sometimes. You know she was demoted after Squall's final test?"

"Yeah, Selphie told me. Why? Does anyone know?"

Rinoa shook her head. "She never talks about it. Neither does Squall."

Irvine snorted. "Squall doesn't talk about anything, so no surprise there, eh?"

Rinoa didn't answer. She felt suddenly weary of talking about Squall and his lack of communication skills. Her irritation must have shown on her face, because Irvine put his arm round her shoulders and gave her a hug.

"What d'you want to work on, killer? Grats? Catcherpillars? Or," he leaned closer and whispered conspiratorially, "a big juicy T-Rex?"

She elbowed him playfully in the ribs. "If you're not careful it'll be you!"

"That's my girl. Have you got Leviathan?"

"Yes." They paused as they reached the Training Centre. "Have you got your scuba gear?"

* * * * * * *


	3. Training

__

Characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, of course. The rest is mine.

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Chapter 3 - Training

Squall crossed the floor in measured steps, swinging his gunblade in even arcs, right, down, centre; left, down, centre. Each move balanced him, calmed him, helped him to concentrate. At the end of the hall he stopped, brought his blade to centre, closed his eyes, paused. Then he turned, a simple, economical movement, and made his way back, eyes fixed on the emergency light above the door at the other end.

He came here every day when he could, to focus himself. The gunblade training hall was usually quiet: it was a hard weapon to learn and only a few cadets chose to specialise in it. More since Squall's fame had spread, but still he was often able to train alone here in the early morning, as he had for most of his life.

Today, however, he was not alone. As he reached the end of his routine he realised a young woman was watching him closely, her lips moving silently as she memorised his moves. 

He sheathed his gunblade and nodded to her. "Cadet."

"Commander." She flushed beetroot, and saluted weakly. He felt he ought to say something encouraging to her, but was embarrassed by her admiration. He hadn't got used to the fact that everyone knew who he was, and continually sought his approval and advice. He had often been told he was a loner; even more so since his sudden promotion and victory over Ultimecia. 

"Commander, can I ask you a question?"

He nodded.

"Well, it's... kind of... personal."

"Okay." Squall fought down a sense of panic at what she might ask.

"Did you ever think of giving up?"

He had to consider for a moment what she might mean. Then it dawned on him. "What, the gunblade?"

She nodded.

"No..." he scanned her name badge, "... Frila, I can't say I ever did. Are you having trouble?"

"Well, yes. My instructor says I just haven't got it."

"Is that exactly what she said?" 

"Well... she said I didn't have the dedication. And I was watching you just now and you seemed so... I couldn't imagine you ever missing practice, or thinking of giving up."

"No, I never have." ~_Oh fuck_,~ thought Squall, ~_if Rinoa was here she'd be telling me I was tackling this all wrong~_ "but.. um.. I'm sure it'll be okay." ~_Oh great, yeah, that sounds convincing. Not.~_ "Look, I'm probably not the best person to advise you," she looked disappointed, "but as you asked me, this is what I think. Don't worry about it. Take some time off, see your friends, relax. Come back to the gunblade when you're ready. When you've got a reason."

"Really?" Her face lit up. "And I can still be as good as you?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. But it won't matter. You'll find loads of stuff you're good at. Believe me."

"Thank you, Commander. I feel so much better."

"You're welcome."

He felt quite happy with himself, as she rushed out of the hall, as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Although there might be some explaining to do to her instructor later.

It had been different for him. When he was training as a cadet there was always Seifer, constant and menacing competition. Their rivalry had driven him to practice when the other cadets were fooling around and playing practical jokes on their instructors, to get up earlier, even on rest days, to train. Squall hated the word 'loner'; it reminded him of that time, a long period in his life when he shut everyone else out and tried to live alone, not letting anyone near him. He knew some people still thought of him as that person; to this day he didn't find it easy to open up, even to his friends. Fortunately they didn't seem to mind: they teased him, and he knew he infuriated them sometimes, but they were always there. He fought all the time against his self-protective pessimism, a tendency to expect everyone he loved to go away. The tendency that meant he couldn't let Rinoa get too close, for fear of losing her. He lived in constant danger of letting his guard down, just for an instant, and allowing himself to love her.

That was where his focus came from, now that Seifer was gone. He couldn't have explained to the cadet that his dedication and mastery of the gunblade came from channeling all the love and attention he could so easily have lavished on Rinoa into practicing his art. That whenever he felt tempted to go talk to her, open up to her, get involved in her life, he came here instead, and worked, until the moment had passed and the cloudiness in his brain had passed.

Even so, for all the distance he kept between them, she was there all the time. He'd watched her as she made her home in Garden, as she'd gone through her own training, learned to control her power. He'd been proud of her achievements. She was clever, and determined...

__

~Damn. There I go again. How can I be a loner, when my head is full of people?~

* * * * * * *

As Squall strode off for a shower, Zell was watching Rinoa and Irvine, stopwatch in hand. He noted with pride how well Rinoa was fighting: continually alert and ready, more than competent with weapons but exceptional with magic. Of course, she was a sorceress, he reminded himself, but it wasn't just her power.

He seethed gently as Irvine stood close behind her, guiding her hands through a series of moves. Zell was by nature a hothead, and by his own estimation pretty crap with women. He envied Irvine's easy charm and wit with the opposite sex, but most of all he envied his relationship with Riona, whom Zell adored. As much as Zell loved his friends (and he loved them a good deal, after all they'd been through together), he was exasperated by Irvine and Squall's failure to accept Rinoa's love. Although he would always be jealous of whoever won her heart, it was the squandered chances that got to him. Irvine could, and if gossip was to be believed, often did have his pick of the women wherever he went. Squall attracted groupies without even trying or, for that matter, noticing. Zell, meanwhile, blushed and stammered whenever he came within speaking distance of a girl, and had fallen in love first with a librarian who, it turned out, had really just wanted to use him get to know Quistis, and now with the most unattainable woman in Garden. Life wasn't fair.

"Come on, Irvine, stop touching her up and let her get on with it!"

Irvine immediately let go of Rinoa and jumped back. "Just showing her the moves, man!" He winked at Rinoa.

"You're not even a martial artist, you're a sniper, for fuck's sake. You don't know any moves. Now get on with it, we've only got an hour."

Rinoa smiled to herself. She had regained her early morning good humour, thanks largely to Irvine's patience and outrageous flirting. With him by her side and Zell clucking devotedly around her, she started to feel very strong.

She saw the T-Rex plunging through the undergrowth before either of the men. She cleared her mind, pulling her will to form a blizzard around the approaching monster.

"That's it, Rin," whispered Irvine, following her gaze to see the huge dinosaur approaching, "chill the fucker out."

Zell's temper finally snapped. He was Rinoa's instructor, after all, not Irvine. "No Rinoa! No magic! Show me you can do it without!"

Irvine spun round and stared at him incredulously. 

"You can't rely on magic," Zell added, somewhat defensively, "you need to be able to fight too."

Rinoa shot him a worried look, but let her power dissipate. She gathered determination to take the place of her magic and concentrated, feeling Leviathan's presence in her mind, reassuringly alert and already feeding from the energy of the conflict. Calmly she drew her arm back, focusing on the vulnerable spot on the T Rex's neck, where she could sever the connection between its brain and body. She snapped forwards, hurling her pinwheel at the creature, a few shards of ice flowing with it, the remnants of her spell. It hit true: the monster staggered and gasped, but as she reached to catch her returning missile the T-Rex whirled round and hit her with the full force of its tail. Winded, she sank to the floor, but her eyes remained on her weapon, and she caught it even as she went down. Resisting the urge to lie down and pass out, she forced air into her gasping lungs and rolled as Zell had taught her. The T-Rex was bleeding profusely, but she'd missed the magic spot. For a second she felt a flash of fear as she realised that her enemy was now not only hungry but enraged, hurt and very, very pissed off with her.

"Ignore this dickhead, Rinoa! Use your magic!" Irvine yelled, and she heard the panic in his voice. He was right, of course. This was no time to get killed by a dinosaur, not just before her exams. She suddenly hated the T-Rex with all her heart. It had come very close to ruining her day. ~_Well, fuck you, monster.~_

She drew herself up and gathered her strength. As the creature lunged for her again, drooling from it's huge mouth in anticipation of tasting her vulnerable flesh, she hurled a ball of ice so huge it not only knocked the beast over like a skittle but went on to crash into the wall of the Training Centre, with such force it sent a crack running up from floor to ceiling.

The T Rex sighed its last, huge carcass flopping to the ground with a mighty thud.

Irvine caught Rinoa in a huge bear hug. "Way to go sorceress!"

She shrugged him off angrily. "Don't call me that," she snapped and strode over to Zell, so menacingly that he found himself taking a step backwards.

"Why did you do that?"

Zell sincerely wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere. He couldn't believe he'd put her in danger just because Irvine had pissed him off. But he had.

"I'm sorry, Rinoa," he fought the desire to simply confess and beg her forgiveness, "I thought you could handle it."

She looked astonished. "What? Answer me this, Zell Dincht: could you fucking handle a T-Rex without magic?"

"No, of course... I didn't mean..."

"I don't fucking believe you. I don't believe you could do this to me, today of all days. You're my instructor! You're supposed to help me!"

"Rinoa... " Zell couldn't look at her, he was miserable and speechless.

Irvine touched her gently on the shoulder. "Rinoa, here's your bag. Let's go to the quad. We can go through some tai chi routines." His voice was soothing.

"Thank you." Rinoa took her bag, glared at Zell and turned to go. "Oh," she added as an afterthought over her shoulder, "don't bother turning up at the Fire Cavern this afternoon, either. I don't want you to support me. I'll find someone else."

"I was going to tell you," said Zell in a small voice, "they changed the rules. The examiners decide who should support you. They think it's fairer."

"What?" Rinoa felt tears threatening: much as she was mad with Zell now, the idea of facing the Caverns with someone else, maybe someone she didn't know, was disturbing beyond belief. She needed air. She turned and ran.

Irvine glared at Zell, who was slumped against a tree, breathing hard. "Way to go, Dincht," he muttered, with a shake of his head, and ran after Rinoa.

* * * * * * *

By the time Rinoa reached the quad she had calmed down a little, and the tears had gone. She flopped down on a bench; Irvine sat beside her.

"Fuck, Irvine, could today get any worse?"

"Exams suck," said Irvine. "When I took my first field exam at Galbadia I was convinced I would shoot an examiner. Snipers have to do this blindfold shot, and I had nightmares about it for weeks. But it was okay. I passed the exam, didn't kill anyone and by the next morning I wondered what all the fuss was about."

She gave him a little smile. "I'm being pretty horrible today, aren't I?"

"Of course not. Anyway, you're allowed, today."

She sighed. "I don't suppose Zell meant to..." she frowned, "actually, what was Zell trying to do?"

Irvine shrugged. "He probably has his reasons, although I personally thought it was a stupid idea. Are you okay, Rin? Really? That T-Rex caught you a pretty hard swipe."

"I'm fine, thanks." She stroked the back of her hand absentmindedly across her cheek, where its tail had stung her. "It just made me mad, more than anything." She dropped her face into her hands with a deep sigh, "oh fuck, Irvine. I want today to be over."

"Cheer up," Irvine soothed, stroking her hair softly. "You'll be fine."

"Irvine," she said, her voice muffled through her fingers, "why hasn't Squall been around this morning?"

Irvine paused, brushing her hair back from her face, smoothing it down her back. "I don't know, Rin. He must be busy with, you know, leader stuff."

"I guess."

"Come on. Let's do some tai chi." He pulled her to her feet. "Follow me."

He started to move, and she did as he asked, mirroring the calming arcs of his hands with her own. Comforted, she found she could follow Irvine without watching his hands at all, gazing instead into his deep, green eyes. She breathed deeply; it was like dancing without music, free but controlled movement, exploring the synchronicity between their bodies.

He slowed to a stop, their hands met and made a last circle, came to rest between them, centred. She leaned forwards a little, drawn close by the warmth of his eyes. Closer and she could feel his breath on her face; closer and their foreheads touched. Her heartbeat quickened, he smelt of leather and outdoors, a loose strand of his long auburn hair tickled her nose. Very, very softly, his mouth touched hers and they were kissing, a gentle, languid, sensual kiss that came out of nowhere and brought all of Rinoa's senses alive. 

Eventually he pulled back, his tongue leaving a trace of moisture on her lips, his hand at the back of her neck, teasing the ticklish spot under her hair.

"Wow," he whispered, opening in his eyes. "Oh, God. Oh, Rinoa, I'm sorry."

"No." She gently stroked his face with one fingertip. "Don't be sorry. You know that I..."

"Squall, yes, of course, and, you know, Selphie..." guilt shot through him like a flame. Rinoa nodded.

"I don't know what happened," she said, "but it was, um..."

"Shh..." he held her for a moment. "I know."

Rinoa hugged him back, resisting the urge to kiss his neck, his ear, fighting to get her body back under control. She could see why Irvine did so well with women. "I've got to get to the exam room."

"Of course. Let me walk with you."

"Okay." Rinoa took a deep breath and pulled her bag onto her shoulder with trembling hands. She could sort things out with Irvine later. Now she just had to get her written test out of the way. Then the Fire Cavern. Then it would be over.

"Are you nervous?"

"No, thanks, I'm fine, really." 

__

~ Yeah, fine. Just as horny as hell. ~

Rinoa pushed open the swing doors and strode down the hall to her fate.

* * * * * * *


	4. Lost and Found

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

See my web site www.scribblemoose.co.uk_ for uncensored version if you like that kind of thing and it's legal for you._

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Chapter 4 – Lost and Found

Zell sat hunched on a bench in the quad, his misery complete. He had followed Rinoa from the Training Centre, once he'd worked out something coherent to say. He arrived just in time to have his heart well and truly broken.

It wasn't just the kiss that hurt; he'd resigned himself long ago to the fact that either Irvine or Squall would get Rinoa one day. It was the fact that Irvine had been right all along. All Rinoa had needed today was a bit of pampering, encouragement and confidence-boosting, while Zell had given her challenges she couldn't possibly be expected to meet, barked orders and his own stupid jealousy.

Zell was widely thought of as a good instructor, he knew. He was generally cheerful and had huge energy and enthusiasm for his students. His own skills were considerable, even if he didn't have Irvine's patience or Squall's dedication. Somehow he brought the best out of the cadet's in his charge, making more of them than they thought possible. Even Rinoa: he knew deep down that he'd helped her control the raw power that was her birthright, and had at the beginning threatened to overwhelm her. He'd given her the discipline of a martial artist and shown her how to make her magic work for her. He'd helped her overcome her fear that she was weaker and less able than her friends.

But today, of all days, he'd let her down: he'd been jealous and stupid and had put her in danger. And as if that wasn't enough, he'd actually driven her into Irvine's arms. Literally.

"Hey, Zell. Alright?"

Of all the people Zell least wanted to see at that moment, Squall was certainly in the top three.

"Hey Squall. Fine."

"Have you seen Rinoa? I wanted to wish her luck with her exams and everything."

"Oh, you missed her. She just went in."

"Oh. Fuck." Squall sat down next to his friend. "Looks like I messed up – for a change."

"You and me both," muttered Zell.

"What did you do?"

"You wouldn't believe." Zell realised that he was on shaky ground all of a sudden. Squall wouldn't be at all pleased to hear that Zell had suggested Riona take on a T-Rex with no magic or back up, and even less thrilled that she'd been snogging Irvine in the quad. Worse still, if he didn't tell Squall himself, eventually he was bound to find out about some or all of these disasters, and know that Zell hadn't told him.

"You can tell me, you know, if it would help."

__

Why did Squall choose today, of all days, to practice being a sociable human being?

"Oh man." Zell paused for a moment. Maybe someone would come and interrupt this conversation. Or there could be an earthquake. Anything. But nothing happened. "Squall, I've done something stupid."

"What, for a change?" teased Squall, but one glance at his friend showed he'd put his foot in it. Again. "Oh, sorry. What happened?"

"I was really hard on Rinoa at training this morning. I thought I'd push her a bit and… I went too far."

"Is she OK?" Squall fought to keep the panic out of his voice.

"She's fine. I'm just worried she might choke on her exam. You know."

"Oh. Well. Look, Zell, you're her instructor. She really thinks highly of you, you know. However much you pushed her I'm sure she can take it."

Zell paused; there was some truth in that. Rinoa had a fiery temper, but she didn't hold grudges. Maybe she'd forgive him. Except…

"I think she's kind of taken refuge in Irvine."

"Refuge?"

"Well, I, they…" Zell looked at Squall's anxious face and realised he couldn't be the one to tell him. Whatever the consequences, he just couldn't. "I don't know. Look, Squall, you know they're close. Don't you ever worry that they might get closer?"

"It's none of my business," said Squall quietly, his eyes fixed on a patch of paving between his feet.

"Squall, I don't understand why you do this. We all know how much you like Rinoa. It's been going on like this ever since Ultimecia. If you don't ask her out you'll lose her. Doesn't that bother you?"

Zell hadn't talked to Squall like this before, not least because he'd always harboured some hope that maybe, just maybe, he could win Rinoa for himself. Whether it was his recognition that she would never care for him in that way, or just his guilt for that morning's events, he suddenly felt it was very important to persuade Squall to take action.

"What makes you think she still likes me?" Squall's words sounded hollow, even to him.

"Oh man, you're hopeless. She can't take her eyes off you. She's always wanting to be with you, she worries about you all the time. She's the most beautiful woman in the whole of Garden and yet she's been single since… Seifer."

Squall winced. That wasn't a name he liked to hear.

"She likes Irvine, though. You said so yourself."

"I said she might take refuge in him. That's different."

"He could… take care of her much better than me." Squall sighed. "He's much better at that kind of thing."

__

And how, thought Zell. He didn't have any answers to that. _Maybe Irvine could make Rinoa happy. He certainly had this morning._

"You should talk to her, Squall. That's all."

Squall didn't answer. He tried to fight the pain he was feeling at the thought of Rinoa with anyone else. He had no right to feel that pain; he had no claim over her, he should set her free. Only…

"I'd better get back to the Training Centre," Zell was saying, "I've got a class due soon. I'll see you later, man."

Squall nodded.

He sat there for a long time after Zell had gone, trying to work out what he should do. He knew how much he loved Rinoa; he had always loved her. He was just afraid, afraid of rejection, of losing her, or losing his friends, of losing himself. _Damn._ He shook his head, trying to think straight. He thought too much, that's what people always told him. Maybe that was the problem: he should stop thinking and just do stuff on impulse, like Zell, or Selphie. But that wasn't his nature, he had too much responsibility on his shoulders to take risks. Even so, when it was Garden, SeeD stuff, he could make decisions, really difficult decisions, life-or-death decisions, even, without any problem. So how come whenever he tried to imagine being with Rinoa, telling her how much he felt for her, a fog descended and he just ended up confused? And with a headache.

He was jolted out of his deep thoughts by the lunchtime buzzer. Time to go and make sure all was well, check in with Quistis, and report back on yesterday's mission to Xu. He wasn't looking forward to that much, either. 

He still hadn't remembered how he'd collected those damn crystals.

* * * * * * *

Irvine had carefully dismantled his gun and was cleaning each part with a cloth and putting it away in it's padded case. He often found it therapeutic, a comfortingly familiar routine. Strange, really, to find comfort in something that he'd killed with so often.

His head was still reeling from kissing Rinoa, partly because it had set every fibre of his being alight with lust, and partly because it was so completely unexpected, but mostly because he felt hollow and guilty and hated himself. He didn't know how to resolve this potent combination of emotions, and just felt dizzy and confused.

He opened a drawer to get out a long brush to clean the barrel of his gun. He spotted a chain tucked away at the back: a bracelet of Selphie's he'd promised to mend for her, ages ago. Tears threatened suddenly and he slammed the drawer shut, went to look out of the window. He saw Squall making his way across the quad towards the lift. He looked so miserable, it was almost as if he knew.

Remembering Squall brought another level to Irvine's misery. He resolved that Squall must never find out, or Selphie. He and Rinoa would keep it a secret, a moment's madness, soon forgotten.

He started cleaning his gun again.

Of course, he knew they never would forget, not really. He didn't want Rinoa like he wanted Selphie, he knew Rinoa didn't want him either, and there was no way he wanted to hurt Squall for what would inevitably be a transitory pleasure. 

But he had tasted something sweet and luscious and very exciting, and he wanted to cherish the memory forever.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa dropped her test paper on the pile on the invigilator's desk with a sigh. For a whole two hours she had managed to push everything to the back of her mind, while she concentrated on her exam. Now all her worries came flooding back.

She went back to her seat and waited patiently while her fellow students handed their papers in, some looking relieved, some anxious, some downright pleased with themselves.

"Before you go," the invigilator called out when the last paper had been added to the pile, "I have just been informed of an accident at the Fire Cavern. Nobody has been seriously hurt, but those of you expecting to attend for your tests later today should check the notice-board to find out the new time slot you've been allocated. That's all. You may go."

__

No, thought Rinoa, _let me stay here. Exams are simple: you just answer right or wrong, you're on your own. You can't hurt anyone by answering test papers. Out there in the world I have to hurt people._

Wearily she got up and left the safety of the exam room. She considered where to go: she should go talk to Irvine and clear things up; she ought to see Zell and find out what had possessed him to try and get her killed this morning. She certainly ought to find Xian and apologise for nearly destroying a wall in the Training Centre. She was hungry, too, and she needed to find out when she was due at the Fire Cavern.

But first, she had to talk to Squall.

* * * * * * *

She found him in his office, receiving a report on the Fire Cavern accident from Instructor Chet. She could see through the window in Squall's office door that Chet looked beaten up and seemed upset, and ordinarily she wouldn't have interrupted, but she knew if she didn't see Squall now she might not catch him before someone else did. And then it would get complicated. More complicated.

She knocked briefly on the door and went straight in.

"Squall, I'm sorry to interrupt, but…"

"Rinoa, hi! That's fine, Chet was just going. You heard about the accident."

"Yes," she remembered her manners, saluted Chet and Squall, "there was an announcement."

"Chet's student bolted on him. Got nervous and ran away."

"She was not,", "my student. I was assigned." He clearly didn't approve of the new system of support. "My students do not suffer from nerves."

"I'm sure they don't," said Squall; whether from diplomacy or with a hint of sarcasm, Rinoa couldn't be sure.

"I must go now," announced Chet. "I trust you will consider what I said."

"Of course. Take care of yourself, Chet." 

Chet saluted Squall, gave Rinoa a formal nod and left. As soon as the door clicked shut Squall leapt over his desk and gave Rinoa a very unexpected hug. 

"How did it go? I'm so sorry I missed you. I wanted to say good luck."

"It was fine, thanks." Riona's heart sank. Squall looked so… well, almost happy. She couldn't remember the last time he'd hugged her, or anyone else, for that matter.

"Don't worry about the Fire Cavern," he was saying, "Chet's insisted that we run checks and make sure his student's Guardian hasn't gone native."

"Oh." Rinoa briefly wondered what this meant, but refused to be distracted. "Squall, I've got something to tell you. Well, three things."

His face fell. He must have picked up the anxiety in her voice. He leaned against his desk, apprehensive and resigned all at once. She swallowed hard. He was so gorgeous, dark and strong and vulnerable all at once. She looked him straight into his beautiful, grey eyes and spoke, trying to fight back tears.

"I don't want you to be mad at anyone but me about this," she said, "I just… okay." She cleared her throat. "OK. First of all, I think I broke a wall in the Training Centre. Second of all, I think Zell's seriously lost the plot. And thirdly… " she tailed off.

__

Thirdly what, exactly? I haven't been unfaithful, because Squall and I aren't an item. I don't owe him anything.

She took a deep breath. _Of course. I owe him my life, more than once. I owe him my home, my training, my future. I owe him my honesty._

"Thirdly, I kissed Irvine in the quad."

She waited for him to say something. She'd expected, maybe even hoped, that he'd lose his temper, shout at her. But he didn't say anything. He just looked terribly, terribly hurt. 

He turned his back to her, stared out of the window. _This is it, then,_ he thought. _This is the pain I wanted so much to avoid. That's irony for you. All this time I've been resisting Riona, hiding my feelings, keeping a distance between us, and for nothing. _He felt all the jealousy, regret and anger he would have felt if she'd cheated on him, yet he knew she would never have cheated on him. He turned and looked at her, allowing himself some satisfaction in her obvious discomfort.

"That's nice for you." His voice was like ice.

"Squall, I…"

"You what, exactly? Rinoa? It really isn't any of my business. You're free to kiss whoever you want."

She looked helplessly at him, but something about the way he was fighting his feelings started to get to her.

"You don't mean that, Squall. You can't come over all distant leader with me. I know you, dammit. I know you're hurt and you won't even show it!"

"Is that why you got off with Irvine? To hurt me? It fucking worked, Rinoa." His voice was quiet, deadly. "I know I've no right, I know you're not mine, but I thought you understood. I thought you respected and cared for me. But no, it's my best friend you want to be with. Or are you just another of his conquests?"

"It was just a kiss!" Rinoa pushed away the memory of how, just for a second out there in the sunshine, she'd wanted it to be more, "it wasn't important!

"Then why did you come up here and tell me all about it?" He tried to control his growing anger, but with little success.

"Because I know how people talk and I wanted to explain."

"Explain what? That you can't wait for me any longer? That Irvine's got something I haven't? Or did you just have a complete memory lapse and fall on the first man you found? I don't care, Rinoa. If you want Irvine that's fine. I hope you'll both be very happy. Now get the fuck out of my office. Before I tell you how I really feel."

Hot tears ran down her cheeks; she was trembling with her own anger and regret. "I'm sorry I told you," she whispered. "I thought it was the right thing to do. I don't know why I've wasted all this time waiting for you." She ripped his ring and it's chain from around her neck and hurled it at him, sparks flying from the magic that overflowed from her pain. "You're not capable of loving anyone but yourself. I don't want Irvine, he's just a friend, but my God I'm going to go and find someone who really does want me!"

She turned and fled, leaving him standing alone in his big, empty office, oblivious to the magic that burned his hand where he clasped his ring.

* * * * * * *

The way Rinoa's day was going she shouldn't have been surprised that she bumped – literally – into Selphie as she ran down the corridor away from Squall. She tried to pull herself together and hide her tears, but with little success.

"Rinoa! What's the matter?"

Selphie, generous as always with her affections, threw her arms around her friend and gave her a huge hug, before searching her face for some clue as to what might be wrong. "Don't tell me that big oaf Irvine forgot to come and train with you?"

At the mention of Irvine's name Rinoa burst into tears all over again. 

"Oh, Rin, don't cry. Come to my room, I'll make us some tea and you can tell me about it."

Unable to argue, Rinoa allowed Selphie to take her hand and lead her swiftly down the corridor.

* * * * * * *  


Irvine was writing his journal when Squall came crashing through the door. He had never seen his friend so angry before, and swiftly realised that he was on the wrong end of it.

"Man, I… ow!"

Later, Irvine thought to be grateful that Squall had come over all old fashioned and hit him with his fist rather than his gunblade. He was a swordsman, not a martial artist, and while his punch was full of passion, it wasn't deadly.

At the time, Irvine mainly thought '_ow'_ followed closely by _'shit'_ as he realised that Squall must have found out about Rinoa.

He moved out of the way of the second punch, and put his hands up to block the third.

"Woah, Squall, we need to talk."

Squall hesitated for a moment. 

"Why? Give me one fucking good reason why I shouldn't beat the crap out of you."

"Because I used to be your best friend? Because it wasn't how you think?" tried Irvine, talking as fast as he could.

Squall glared at him, but his hands fell to his side.

"So what have you got to say?"

"Okay. Just a minute." Irvine backed away slowly. "Come in and shut the… what's left of the door…" actually, there wasn't anything left except a pile of firewood. "Never mind." He went to the sink in the corner of his room and splashed his face with cold water, trying to stem the blood streaming from his nose. 

"Well? I haven't got all day, Kinneas."

"I take it someone told you they saw me and Rinoa… looking close."

"Something like that."

"Well, thanks for coming to clear things up."

"I didn't. I came to beat the crap out of you. And I'm getting impatient."

Irvine dried his face on a towel and pulled his hair back, retying his customary ponytail. "I have some stuff to say, Squall. All I ask is that you listen to me. Then, if you still want to, you can hit me some more…" He touched his nose and winced. It was already starting to swell.

"Go on."

Irvine took a deep breath, and spoke carefully. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Squall, and Selphie's the only woman I want. I'm devastated that I hurt you. Rinoa's been really unhappy today. I comforted her and I felt close to her and we stepped over a line. At the end of the day I'm a man and I've never been good at controlling myself. Rinoa's beautiful and I couldn't resist. I don't want to get between the two of you. Do what you like to me, but please don't be hard on Rinoa. She loves you so much."

"Then why would she do this to me?" There was a plaintive quality to Squall's voice, despite the steeliness of his eyes. 

"Squall, I think she's lonely. She needs affection. Someone to lean on sometimes. You and I both know she wants that person to be you. But… you've not been there for her, have you? Really?"

Squall's anger was dissolving.

"Come on, sit down, man. Let me get you a drink or something."

Squall shook his head, but sank slowly onto the edge of Irvine's bed. He couldn't trust himself to speak. 

"She really loves you, Squall. What's holding you back?" Irvine sat next to him.

"I can't get close to her," whispered Squall. "When it comes to Rinoa, I can't think straight."

"Love makes you do the wacky."

"No, it's more than that. I really can't think about it. My mind kind of … wriggles off."

Irvine frowned. "What?"

"I can't concentrate on it. If I think about maybe going out with her… my mind won't let me. I've even thought of counselling."

Irvine smiled to himself: for someone as silent and guarded as Squall, counselling would be more torture than slaying a thousand dragons. "Have you considered it might be magical, Squall?" he suggested gently.

"What?" Squall looked up in surprise.

"Well, I know you're not good at relationships but this isn't right, even for you," he considered a moment. "I can find out. Let me in your mind."

"No fucking way!" Squall leapt to his feet, "I came here to beat the crap out of you, remember!"

"Sit down," said Irvine gently, "look. I'll do a deal with you. I'll use Ether to form a two-way link. I'll look for any magical stuff in your mind and you can check out my feelings for Rinoa. Have a look at my memories."

Squall studied his friend's face. "Are you serious? What if…"

"I owe you that much, Squall, if you think it'll help. Just be careful."

Squall sat down slowly, considering what Irvine was suggesting. It was a hugely generous offer. By letting Squall into his mind Irvine was risking all sorts of damage, especially as he must have been aware of how angry Squall felt towards him. He knew Guardian Ether could make links between minds, but as far as he remembered there was no guarantee that Irvine's memories would remain intact once Squall had come into contact with them. _Perhaps that's what Irvine wanted, to forget what had happened? _But the concern on his friend's face suggested otherwise. He was just trying to offer Squall something to make up for the hurt. He obviously thought it was worth the risk.

"Alright then. If you're sure."

Irvine nodded. "Hold my hands and try to relax." Squall reluctantly offered Irvine his hands. "Oh, come on, you can still hit me later if you like, but for this you've got to trust me."

Squall tried his best to relax. They sat cross-legged on the bed, opposite each other. 

"We won't be able to communicate while we're joined." Irvine explained. "Ether will come into your mind like any other Guardian, and then you'll feel my mind too. Just be careful not to mix your feelings with mine. Ether will show you the way, just experience it like a dream." 

Squall nodded. Irvine took his hands and intertwined their fingers. 

"Look into my eyes," he said. Squall did as he was told, although not without some awkwardness: he had, after all, intended to give Irvine a hiding, not to end up holding hands and gazing into his eyes. But after a few seconds he found he was losing himself in Irvine's steady gaze.

"Lionhart." He heard Ether's formal acknowledgement as the Guardian entered his mind. For some reasons Guardians always used the archaic form of his name. "I will join you with Sniper. Be still."

Squall was aware of Irvine's consciousness gradually entering his own. He sensed concern, determination.

"Sniper quests. Be still. Float."

He started to wonder what he was supposed to be doing, but Ether's presence calmed him and he started, slowly, to imagine he was Irvine. Some of the memories he already knew: their shared childhood, past missions. But experiencing things from Irvine's viewpoint was different. Squall was surprised a the love, respect and affection Irvine felt for him, and his other friends. He saw Selphie as Irvine saw her: smart, funny, Squall could see, but beautiful, powerful _– funny_, _she always seemed shorter to me,_ he thought - sexy? He saw various other women from Irvine's point of view, a lot of women, and began to appreciate the true extent of his friend's experience with the opposite sex. 

Squall continued to search for Riona, all the time fighting down his pain and jealousy to protect Irvine's memory. Just for a second, he considered trying to remove this experience form his friend's mind, to steal back what had been stolen from him. But he couldn't."

"Float," Ether commanded. "The Sniper will cleanse."

Squall gladly blanked his mind; he felt Irvine channelling Ether's energy through him in a cleansing spell. He controlled the panic as he realised what this meant: Irvine had found something wrong. A soft, cool feeling spread through him, like half melted snow, and he was almost overwhelmed by the crystal sharp clarity of thought that followed.

All of a sudden, he found what he was looking for. He was Irvine, in the quad, doing tai chi (rather well, actually) with Rinoa. Squall felt Irvine's respect and affection for Riona, his appreciation of her strength, her beauty, her honesty. The tai chi stopped: Squall felt the charge between them as if it was he who was there, drawing her to him with his gaze, her breath on his face. Quickly he wrenched his own feelings back, and concentrated on Irvine. He felt Irvine's urge to kiss Rinoa, a mixture of lust and curiosity. He felt Rinoa's lips, her tongue, her overwhelming sensuality; and Irvine's response: hot, instinctive, pure sexual energy.

They stopped kissing, and Squall braced himself. Was this the moment he'd lost Rinoa to Irvine?

No. Irvine's feelings were the same: hot desire and affection, but not love. Suddenly there was guilt, vast, devastating regret, not for what he had done, but for what the consequences might be. Irvine felt a rage against his own reckless, thoughtless lust, and a real fear that it might cost him his best friend and the woman he really loved. Selphie. Just Selphie.

Squall started to pull back, not wanting to spy anymore. Just before he left the memory, though, he caught a glimpse of Rinoa's face. The bond, the moment between Irvine and Rinoa had been intense, but he knew her so well, he understood straight away that while Irvine had stirred her lust, she didn't love him. At least, not in the way she loved Squall. Her eyes didn't have the same sparkle, her smile wasn't quite as soft as when she looked at him.

He felt first Irvine, then Ether withdraw from his mind.

"You are well, Lionhart," said Ether, "farewell."

And they were gone.

Slowly, Squall opened his eyes, and found himself once more gazing into Irvine's, their hands still clasped together. He felt uncomfortable, as if he had been eavesdropping, but at the same time felt a rush of affection for his friend.

"Irvine.. are you OK?"

Irvine thought for a moment, then undisguisable relief spread across his face. "I remember. I practised tai chi with Rinona and we kissed and I felt crap. I remember." He sighed, then caught Squall's expression. "Oh, shit, sorry, man. It's just… I…"

"You want to remember. That's OK. I understand." He gave Irvine a wry smile. "I really do understand."

Irvine hugged his friend, but Squall pushed him away, albeit gently.

"No sudden displays of affection, Irvine, I can't take it right now."

"Sorry," Irvine grinned.

"So, what did you find?"

"Oh. Yes, of course. Well, it was some kind of spell residue, I think. Like… energy left over from a spell that didn't have anywhere to go. It was strangling your feelings about Rinoa, and a few other things too. Kind of like when people have really bad memories, and they repress them? Only this was definitely artificial."

"Yes," said Squall in a small voice, "I know what the other kind feels like." _When you're so afraid that you'll go mad if you remember what it felt like to be so alone, so abandoned, unloved._ He shuddered. "Did you get rid of it?"

"I think so. Well, try it out. Go on, imagine a life with Rinoa. I dare you."

Squall considered for a moment, and a smile slowly spread across his pale features. 

Irvine coughed delicately. "Well, it looks like a success from where I'm sitting."

Squall laughed, a sound as heart-lifting to Irvine as it was rare. "I've just been in your head too long, Irvine. You're a bad influence!"

Irvine grinned. "So it's okay. It's gone?"

Squall frowned in concentration. "I think so. I don't feel foggy any more. Just… usual kind of stuff."

Irvine didn't dwell too long on what kind of thoughts might be usual for Squall. "Pleased to be of service." _Thanks, Ether. I owe you one. _"I'm sure there won't be any long term damage to your heroic qualities from being in my head a while."

"It was interesting." Squall ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing quite how to cope with an intimacy he'd never experienced before. "You really did fancy Rinoa, didn't you?"

"Yes. But I don't…"

"Love her."

"No. Not like that. It was just one of those things."

Squall nodded. "Well, I need to go and do some stuff," he said. "I've got a few things to sort out and there's somewhere I have to be." He got up, hooking strands of hair behind his ears, straightening his belts. "Um.. I'm sorry about the door."

"That's okay. I have a friend in high places around here. I'm sure he'll get it fixed."

"And your nose… oh, and Irvine?"

"Yeah?"

"Just how many women did you slept with in Galbadia?"

Irvine grinned modestly. "Put it this way, man, you don't want to be in my mind long enough to find out."

"But Selphie…"

He shrugged. "Kind of cramped my style. Falling in love like that. I guess we all settle down in the end."

"You ought to talk to her, you know."

"Get out of here!"

Stepping carefully over the remnants of Irvine's door, Squall did just that.

* * * * * * *

[author's note: 'Love makes you do the wacky'™ Willow, BtVS, but just too good not to use ;-)]


	5. Back Up

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

More adult version (sexual content of various kinds) available on my web site if you're old enough and like that kind of thing (www.scribblemoose.co.uk).

********************************************************

****

Chapter 5 – Back Up

Rinoa dug her spoon fiercely into a large tub of ice cream.

"So," Selphie settled down opposite her, brandishing her own spoon, "what's the matter? Was the exam really awful?"

Rinoa shook her head. "No. It's something else. And you're going to hate me when I tell you." She left her spoon sticking out of the ice cream and pulled Quistis' hanky out of her bag. It was pretty much the worse for wear by now.

"I doubt it," Selphie smiled gently, "try me."

"Okay," Rinoa blew her nose loudly. "Today can't get much worse. I had a rough time in training with Zell – fuck knows what's got into him – and I stormed out. Irvine followed me and he was really nice to me and then he kissed me." She paused, watching Selphie's face, which, oddly, remained impassive. "And I kissed him back. I'm really sorry, Selphie. I know you and Irvine…"

"No, Rin. It's okay. I don't feel that way about Irvine."

"What?!"  


Selphie shrugged and scooped a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. "He's a lovely guy, and a great friend, but I don't want to go out with him."

"Selph, you must tell him. He'd be devastated."

"It's alright, Rin. He knows. We talked about it ages ago. He's cool about it. We're just friends."

"Wow." Rinoa absentmindedly picked up her spoon and joined Selphie in demolishing the Galbadian choc-chip.

"So you see, I don't hate you. OK, Irvine kissed you and you kissed him back. Why so upset? You guys always get on so well together."

"I know, but…"

"You don't fancy him?"

"Well, yes, I do," a slight flush crept up Rinoa's cheeks, "but not like I fancy Squall. Squall's just… different."

"Right. So what happened?"

"I told Squall."

"You're kidding! Rinoa, are you mad?"

"I didn't want him to hear it from anyone else."

"I guess he didn't take it too well."

"No." Rinoa shook her head, fighting the tears again. "He was so hurt. And he said some mean things. And so did I." She went to hold the ring she was so used to finding round her neck, but of course it wasn't there. "Oh Selphie, I don't know what to do. I wish it had never happened."

Selphie watched her thoughtfully. "Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Rin, it's not like you to regret stuff. If you kissed Irvine back, there must have been a reason."

"Are you saying I wanted to kiss him?"

"Well? Didn't you?"

Rinoa thought for a moment, licking her spoon. She remembered the moment Irvine's lips had touched hers, the way she had melted; how she had, for an instant, desired him so much that she would willingly have done anything he'd asked.

"Was it good?" Selphie persisted.

"Selphie, between you and me, it was fucking fantastic. It was like rolling in velvet, eating chocolate and drinking honey all at once. Are you sure you don't want him?"

Selphie shook her head. "Not my type," she said, "I like my men a little less smart and a lot more innocent."

"You don't know what you're missing."

Selphie gave a sly smile that suggested perhaps she did.

"But…" Rinoa carried on, "it was only lust. It was lovely, but it was Irvine. And I only want Squall." She sighed. "What am I going to do, Selph?"

"Give him time, Rin. He'll come round. It will have been a big shock to him but who knows? Maybe a healthy dose of jealousy is just what he needs to wake him up to the fact that he loves you."

"Selphie, do you ever get tired of being so optimistic?"

Selphie grinned. "No, never."

"So, Mrs Happy Ever After, you think if I just hold out and wait, he'll come and tell me it's all alright and he loves me and we can be together?"

"Well, something like that. Although not all those sentences at once. We are talking about Squall here." Selphie scraped the last of the ice cream from the bottom of the tub. "I expect it'll come over via a series of grunts and moody glances."

Rinoa smiled, starting to feel better. "Maybe," she sighed. "At any rate, I suppose I ought to get on with the parts of the day that haven't gone wrong yet." She put her spoon in the empty tub and licked her lips. "Thanks for lunch."

"You're welcome. Sometimes only ice cream will do."

"All I need now is a shower and I'm ready for anything."

"A cold one?" teased Selphie.

Rinoa grinned. "Maybe. Or maybe I'll see if I can get myself into any more trouble." She hugged her friend gratefully. "I'll try to be good. Thanks Selphie. I'm so pleased about Irvine and you not… well, not for Irvine, obviously. Are you sure he's cool about it?"  


Selphie nodded. "More or less. It's not like I was ever the sole attraction round here."

"Well, no, but…" Rinoa shrugged. "Men, eh? Does anyone understand what's going on in those tiny minds of theirs?"

And with another grateful hug, she left.

__

Well at least she looks happier.

Humming to herself, Selphie crossed to her bedroom, popped her head round the door.

"Are you awake?" she whispered to the naked body in her bed.

"Yes," said Xu. "Have you got any more ice cream?" 

* * * * * * *

Irvine came across Selphie some time later by the notice-board. To his dismay she greeted him not with her customary friendly hug but by poking him sharply in the ribs.

"Irvine Kinneas, must you always think with your prick? Because between you and me it has even less of a brain than the rest of you."

"Oh, you've heard, then," he said, bracing himself for the rest of her onslaught on his moral character.

But she saw the genuine pain in his eyes.

"Yes, I heard," she said softly. "What was it all in aid of?"

Irvine shrugged, fiddling with a button on his duster. "It just happened, 'Elf. It doesn't mean anything." _It's still you I want._

"You're hopeless," she chastised gently. "Oh well, come on, dick-for-brains. I said I'd find out when Rinoa's due at the Fire Caverns."

"Half past three," said Irvine. "I checked already."

"Good. Did it say who her second would be?"

"No," said Irvine thoughtfully. "Which is weird, 'cos all the others did."

Selphie shrugged. "I guess they had to rearrange in a hurry. You heard, about Chet's student?"

Irvine nodded. "Ryat told me when I went to try and sort out a new door."

Selphie raised an eyebrow.

"Squall took a dislike to my old one," he explained.

"Oh, I see. He found you then."

"Yup. I think we sorted things out a bit, though. He felt better after he hit me on the nose."

"Oh! Are you okay?" Selphie stood on tiptoe and gently stroked his nose, as if suddenly noticing it was red and swollen.

"Yes," said Irvine, locking her eyes to his as her touch sent shivers through him, "but that's helping."

"Down, boy," said Selphie, and took her hand away.

"Selphie, I…."

She put her finger to his lips. "Shh… don't. We're cool, with stuff, aren't we?"

Helplessly, Irvine nodded. "Whatever you say, 'Elf."

"Good. Now, let's go find Rinoa."

"You go ahead," said Irvine, "I'm not sure it would help if I turned up right now. Best let her be."

"Love 'em and leave 'em, eh?" teased Selphie. "Okay. I'll see you at the briefing. Don't be late, or you'll have Quistis after you as well." And with a quick kiss to his wounded nose, which shot to the core of him, she was gone.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa stepped out of the shower, shivering slightly, and wrapped her hair in a towel. She dried her body roughly, rubbed lotion into her limbs 'til they glowed, pulled on combat shorts, bra and vest top. She laced up her boots like a meditation, counting each hole as she threaded, not too tight, tied a double knot. She shook her hair free of the towel, pulled a comb through from the roots and slicked it back in a tight ponytail.

She looked at herself in the mirror with some satisfaction, toned body, flat stomach, strong arms and thighs. After a day of sexual tension, angst and anxiety, it felt good to get ready for battle. She'd worked hard for this. She wasn't going to let anything get in her way, not even Squall.

She checked her watch as she strapped it to her wrist: time to go. She gave Angelo a brief hug, ruffling the soft fur behind his ears, took one last look in the mirror and set out for the Fire Caverns.

* * * * * * *

Squall noticed her before she noticed him, striding up the path he'd trod himself just two years ago. He felt a surge of pride: she was so beautiful, so strong, so determined. When she did notice him she stopped in her tracks, looked over her shoulder as if she suspected a trick, shrugged and continued towards him. He'd never seen her so focused.

"Squall?" She raised one questioning eyebrow.

"I'm your second."

"Oh."

He didn't know quite what to say, not because of any magic in his brain, just because he was Squall and he never found it easy to put things into words. He didn't want to break her concentration, or, on the other hand, have her think he was still mad at her.

"Look, Squall, I don't want to fight with you. I just need to know you're with me. For the next half an hour."

He nodded, giving away little of what, if anything, he was feeling. But she looked into his clear grey eyes and saw his loyalty. That was all she needed.

"Right. Let's do it."

She led him through the cave entrance, her senses alive, nerve endings tingling.

Xian was waiting just inside the first cavern.

"Rinoa Heartilly, do you accept the challenge of the Fire Cavern?"

"I do." _Damn,_ she thought, _I never apologised for the Training Centre wall. Oh well, too late now._ She'd just have to hope that Xian wouldn't hold it against her.

"And who is your second?"

__

Can't you see? Rinoa was dimly aware that her pumped up aggression might come across as antisocial, if she wasn't careful.

"My second is Squall Leonhart." Even when she was angry with him, she loved the sound of his name on her tongue.

"You have a time limit of thirty minutes. Rinoa, Squall, proceed."

Xian stepped to one side, and Rinoa led Squall into the darkness.

* * * * * * *

Irvine tried to slink unnoticed into the back of the hall, but he seemed to be all out of slink today. Quistis spotted him straight away and came over to disapprove of him as usual. 

At least this time he'd earned it.

"Irvine Kinneas, sometimes I think you've learned nothing from your time here."

"I wouldn't say that," he turned on the charming smile without even thinking about it. "I've learned how sexy you look when you're mad at me."

Quistis frowned at him over the top of her little librarian glasses. _Mmm, _thought Irvine, _why, Ms Trepe, you're beautiful. _

"Just try to keep your raging libido under control for ten minutes, if that's not too difficult."

"I'll try my best," he winked at her, "just for you."

She rolled her eyes. "You're incorrigible!"

He grinned, and caught Selphie's eye, she was giggling.

Quistis made her way to the front of the hall and grasped the lectern with both hands. 

"Your attention, please." The room fell obediently silent. "This is a quick briefing, most of you should already know your assignments for tomorrow: routine manoeuvre pattern B. Red and Cyan teams will be taking the train at 07:00…"

Irvine let himself tune out as Quistis droned on. Selphie was all rapt attention: she could fill him in later.

Safe under the shadow of his hat, he surveyed the room. Zell was sitting in the front row, looking pissed off and scribbling in a notebook. Xu was sitting quietly next to Quistis, hands folded in her lap. Most of the cadets, instructors and SeeDs were listening to Quistis, or at least seemed to be. Inevitably his eyes fell once more on Selphie; she must have sensed him watching her because she turned and winked at him. He grinned lazily at her.

"Due to the problems at the Fire Cavern today," Quistis was saying, "Inspector Chet's classes tomorrow have been cancelled," a celebratory yell came from some of Chet's students, "and finally, I am pleased to report that yesterday's mission to the factory near Dollet was successful. Xu will now tell us what the next phase of that particular operation will be."

Xu nodded, and took over the lectern. She spoke quietly, as was her custom, but her voice was clear as a bell.

__

Nice breasts, too, thought Irvine. Damn, he was obsessed today. Maybe Quistis and Selphie were right.

"It's vital that we work out what the Dia are up to," said Xu, "these crystals can be dangerous, so please, anyone on these missions take care and make sure you report anything unusual to me. Assignments for the next collection trips will be announced after the break day. That's all. Thank you."

__

She has the cutest dimples when she smiles.

People started to file out of the room, and Irvine's friends gathered around him. He was starting to feel overwhelmed with disapproval.

"I'm sorry, you guys, okay? Forgive me?"

Selphie smacked his butt. "Just don't do it again," she said.

"OK. I promise. But only if you'll slap me again."

"I hope they'll be OK," Quistis interjected. "Squall and Rinoa."

"They'll be fine," said Selphie. "They just need a new mission. Nothing like dangerous combat to get love back on the tracks. Now, who's up for a trip to the cafeteria for a hot dog before we get the test results and start celebrating Rinoa's graduation?"

"It's not a dead cert," said Zell, with an uncharacteristic indifference to the temptation of hot dogs, "let's not tempt fate."

"Oh, alright," said Selphie. "Let's go eat anyway, shall we?"

Zell and Quistis looked at best marginally enthusiastic. Irvine could sense the tension as they started to imagine the possibility that Rinoa might fail.

"It would be our fault." Irvine was the first to voice their fears. "We all let her down today, didn't we? It was a really important day for her and we all let her down."

Selphie raised an eyebrow at Irvine, challenging him to elaborate.

"Well, think about it. Quistis, what happened between you and Rin this morning?"

Quistis looked unusually sheepish. "Well, I did ask her about Squall. And she did get a bit upset."

That was news to Irvine. "And you told her off about Leviathan," he added.

"That was a bit harsh, Quis," said Selphie, "we were in a tight corner, you know."

"Yes," said Quistis quietly, "I know."

"And then Zell tried to get her killed in the Training Centre."

Zell opened his mouth to protest, but quickly snapped it shut again. Irvine was right. 

"And then you tried to seduce her," Quistis added, keen to get her own back.

"Then Squall went ballistic at her," said Irvine quickly, absentmindedly stroking his nose. "The only one of us who hasn't let her down is Selphie."

Selphie shook her head, "no, it was all my fault. If I'd been able to go training with her this morning none of this would have happened. I would have had breakfast with her, not Quisty, Zell wouldn't have lost his rag and Irvine would have kept his dick in his pants so Squall would be his usual icy controlled self." 

Irvine looked mildly hurt. "It was only a kiss," he murmured, "practically a peck." He became aware of Zell's eyes burning into him and shifted uncomfortably.

"You're right, Selphie," said Quistis. "What a disastrous bunch of so-called friends we are. All so wrapped up in ourselves we couldn't back her up her today, of all days."

They all considered this for a moment.

"She couldn't even have me to second her," said Zell, "thanks to them changing the stupid rules."

Irvine frowned. "Who is her second?" He hadn't missed anyone at the briefing. Except…

"Oh no." Even Selphie looked aghast.

"Squall," whispered Quistis, "of course."

"He was feeling better," said Irvine, hopefully. "He was going to sort things out. I think."

"Do you think they'll be OK?" asked Zell anxiously.

Quistis shrugged helplessly. "We'll just have to wait and see."

* * * * * * *


	6. Junction

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

This is a toned-down version with (most) smut removed: see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for full version. (This chapter was hard to censor without reducing to yuk, I hope it reads OK.)

Feedback welcome, thanks very much for the reviews so far ;-) glad you like it.

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Chapter 6 - Junction

Rinoa had never felt so strong, so alert. Her skin tingled, her reflexes so sharp she killed the first bitebugs before Squall had even noticed them. She walked ahead of him; although part of the exercise was to prove she could work with another as part of a team, it was also important that she showed herself capable in battle. Besides, it would be so easy for Xian to dismiss her abilities in Squall's shadow. Suddenly it was the most important thing in the world to her that she was seen as strong and capable in her own right.

This one she had to win for herself.

Her eyes gradually became used to the dark and she could make out small, flickering movements at the edge of her vision. The heat was building up now as they crossed bridges over the underground lava flows that had earned the Caverns their name.

A fire bomb hissed up in front of her; she quickly channelled water magic through her pinwheel and span it at the monster, steam boiling as it made contact. Before it could rally to counter attack – which usually meant an explosion – she threw again, mixing ice with the water magic. It collapsed into a pool at her feet. Resisting any urge to celebrate this minor victory, she kept her focus, looking for the next challenge.

It wasn't long in coming: two more fire bombs and a lava eel. Well, she'd proved she could deal with fire bombs.

"Squall, get the bombs, I'm on the eel."

A look of surprise crossed Squall's face: it was a long time since anyone had given him an order in battle. But he obediently drew his gunblade and she heard LionHeart sing as Squall shot ice magic down its length with practised ease.

The eel was ethereal, glowing deep ruby red, searing lava moving like blood beneath what might have been its skin. Riona's lips tightened into a satisfied smile. This was home territory.

She reached into that part of herself that was raw power, and with all the control and precision Zell had taught her she took just enough, formed a ball of ice in her hand and infused it with energy. She was dimly aware of Squall demolishing first one bomb, then the other, before she pitched her spell at the eel with all her might. Glowing shards of ice pierced the creature, quenching its fire: it screamed in pain and flopped helplessly to the ground.

Without hesitation she plunged forwards, hurling bolts of ice through an onslaught of fire lizards and salamanders, leaving Squall to catch the very few that weren't quite dead. He ploughed his way methodically through, LionHeart slicing as if through butter.

Finally they reached the fire pit, the huge volcanic crater where Squall had subdued Ifrit a lifetime ago. Rinoa stood on the lip of the hellmouth, breathing hard in the terrific heat, sweat running into her eyes and between her breasts. She looked deep into the fire, growling low in her throat like a war cry.

Slowly something started to stir in the volcano: Rinoa glimpsed what looked like molten rock seething and writhing in the flames. Slowly, the magma took form, arms, legs and a face, horns and a gaping mouth. It rose from the volcano, fire and lava streaming from its shoulders, wings unfurling, and with a roar it thrust a fireball straight at Rinoa's heart.

Instinctively, Squall gathered a curative spell, but it wasn't needed. In an instant Rinoa reflected the spell with a dismissive wave of her hand and showered her opponent with hailstones and vicious arrows of ice.

The creature staggered a little, but quickly regained its balance, striking Rinoa across the face with one fiery hand. Squall cured her this time, unable to stop himself. She flashed him a bemused look and then dipped back inside herself for more power. She was tempted to finish this quickly, but her aim wasn't to kill the creature, just to subdue it and bend it to her will. The anticipation of that power gave her goosebumps. She raised her hand and brought wave after wave of icy water to wash over her enemy, steam rising above them, drenching them in warm rain.

It lunged at Rinoa again, but this time Squall didn't rush to heal her. Trusting her strength he attacked her enemy instead, distracting it long enough for Rinoa to draw its magic and heal herself. Then she gathered her power one last time and crashed a blizzard around the volcano.

"HOW… DARE… YOU!" The creature roared. Rinoa watched, panting, as it writhed in the agony she had created for it.

"Do you want more?" she challenged, "or will you be mine?"

Squall flinched, it wasn't usual to demand submission from a Guardian like that. Oddly enough, though, it seemed to work.

"I AM YUJAN! I WILL BE YOURS!"

The monster faded as it surged at Rinoa, not to attack her this time, but to enter her mind. She gasped with sudden pain and the rush as its presence thrust itself into her consciousness. This was nothing like the gentle entry of Leviathan, a gift from Squall, already tamed, flowing into her mind like cool honey. This was raw heat and energy, subdued – but only just. Overwhelmed, Rinoa slumped, and almost fell, but Squall was ready and caught her.

"It's okay. Just breathe. Give it a moment."

Rinoa smiled gratefully and leaned into his body, grasping his hand. He ignored the pain of her nails digging into his palm and brushed wet hair from her forehead. Silent as ever, his eyes were full of pride and his touch soft and soothing. Her breathing slowed, and Yujan settled in her mind. 

Then Xian was in front of her, offering her hand to help Rinoa up.

"Congratulations, Rinoa," the gentle squeeze of Xian's fingers added enthusiasm to her softly spoken formalities. "I'm pleased to tell you that you have passed the challenge."

Rinoa nodded, still not trusting herself to speak but flooding with elation.

"Return to Garden when you're ready, and report to your instructor. He'll give you your full results. Well done Rinoa." Xian smiled warmly. "It's a long time since I've seen anyone take on a Guardian with such skill and style," and she winked knowingly at Squall, who blushed rather appealingly, even as he treated Xian to a half-smile for her compliment.

"Thank you," managed Rinoa, and watched as Xian made her way out of the Cavern.

"You OK?" Squall was leaning casually on his gunblade, concern and respect mixed on his even features.

She nodded. "You?"

"Fine," he said, "Is Yujan settled?"

"I think so. It was… scary," she admitted, "was Ifrit like that?"

"Fuck, yeah. They often are, the elementals. All that feeling and emotion." He shuddered. "It gets better, though."

"Good." She said, with feeling. "Well, we'd better get back."

He nodded, hoisted LionHeart on his shoulder. "Let's see what Zell has to…"

But before he could finish they were almost deafened by a sound like the ocean crashing in, and a flash of light so intense they were blinded for a second. When Squall had blinked away the whiteness there were rainbow ribbons swirling around them, rippling into a circle. Instinctively Squall and Rinoa sprang together, back to back in the centre of the ring of colour. Squall racked his brains but he'd never come across anything like this before: it was like raw energy. He sensed Rinoa gathering her power for a spell, and heard the whisper of her voice as she incanted: ~_scan~_

"Fuck," she reported, her voice reassuringly grounded and real in the ethereal hiss that surrounded them, "no signs. What is it?"

No sooner had she spoken than the light began to change and the circle divided, colours streaming to shaped two vaguely female forms, one in front Rinoa and one in front of Squall, ephemeral hands holding cruel-edged swords that pulsed purple and red and black.

It started to dawn on Squall what was happening. "It's Chet's Guardian," he said, cursing himself for not realising before, "this isn't good."

"Funny, I was starting to gather that part," Rinoa's sarcasm irritated him but he fought the urge to snap back: this was no time to start a slanging match. He put his effort instead into charging LionHeart with magical energy, the blade changing colour from its usual electric blue to deep black as it became infused with darkness.

Rinoa was already pulling her energy together to form a silence spell, tinged with flame from the remnants of Yujan's blending with her, and directed it to flow over the Guardian in front of her. She felt Squall behind her, aware of him lunging at his opponent, heard LionHeart's song as it sliced through light and ocean waves to produce an eerie scream.

Then the attack began, multi-coloured blades thrusting towards them. Squall parried neatly, Rinoa dodged, retaliated, streaming a lethal mix of fire and ice through her pinwheel. Squall was in his stride now, blade flashing, the sound of his shots strangely hollow next to the silence she'd created. Again and again she attacked, varying the mixture of magic, trying different elemental combinations; aware of Yujan in her mind, anxious to join the fight, but resisting the temptation to call him, the pain of that first junction still fresh in her mind. Finally her opponent stumbled and fell, fading to nothing, but as she turned to help Squall she heard the ocean's song again, a flash, and the figure in front of Squall divided into two.

"Fuck! Squall, what's happening? What can we do?"

"I don't know," he admitted, panting, "maybe if we kill both at the same time?"

They renewed their attacks, but this time Squall's target fell first, and Riona's divided. They fought on, until eventually they timed their final blows to perfection and both bodies fell to the floor at the same time. For a moment it was quiet and still, but before they had even begun to relax there was a now-familiar flash and roar of sound, and the writhing colours in front of them formed and divided not once but twice, four sword-equipped warriors facing them. Rinoa's shoulder stung from its last encounter with one of those vicious blades. ~_Enough_, she thought.

She reached a hand to touch Squall's swordarm, and he obediently lowered his gunblade, trusting her instinctively, any protest unspoken.

"As one!" Rinoa commanded, her voice deep and rich as thunder. Power crackled from her fingertips and simultaneously struck each of the forms before them. They pulsated and writhed in a million colours, and finally with a snap merged back to one being. The air grew still. Squall heard Rinoa breathing hard, felt the magic buzzing around her body. He turned to see her raise her hand, energy crackling along her arm.

"Be mine!" The force of the blast Rinoa threw at the creature knocked it back a full ten feet or more. 

"Rinoa…" Squall's warning came out as a harsh whisper; he braced himself, gripping his gunblade, ready to strike as the Guardian recovered its balance and looked about to charge. Commanding a Guardian to junction when you'd matched it in battle was unorthodox, to say the least, but this opponent didn't even look injured. But Rinoa held out her hands, palms upwards, and repeated her invitation to the multicoloured form.

"Be mine," she repeated, her voice husky, seductive.

"Riona Heartilly," its voice sounded like tearing silk, "I will be yours. You are worthy." And it rushed at Rinoa, coloured lights racing up her arms, through her body, turning her eyes to rainbows. 

There was less pain, but Rinoa felt the power rush through her with a greater intensity, to the very core of her being, and a soft, sensual voice in her mind. "I am Gemini Pandora. I am yours."

Rinoa gasped, the rush starting to settle. She realised she was still in the cavern, still alive, every sense awake and tingling. Squall's piercing grey eyes were boring into her, a mixture of concern and admiration on his beautiful, beautiful face. He was slightly out of breath still, lips softly parted, soft ragged hair dripping into his eyes. Lust flooded her body and she launched herself at him, wrapping her legs around his slim hips, arms round his neck, gunblade clattering to the ground as he caught her. She engulfed him in a kiss, plunging her tongue into his soft, warm mouth. He made a groaning noise deep in his throat and kissed her back, his hands sliding under her vest top and stroking her back with sensitive fingertips.

"Rin," he husked into her mouth, "oh, fuck, Rin."

She stopped kissing him for a moment, stroked his face with one finger, his eyes alight with lust and more than a little surprise. 

"Here," she said, "now."

He looked at her, a moment's confusion before he realised what she meant.

"Now?" 

She nodded.

"Here?" 

She kissed him again, and he moaned desire into her kiss, a deep rumbling growl. She writhed against him with an expertise he hadn't expected, but he had no time to question how Rinoa might have learned to set his soul on fire. She made love to him standing there in the Cavern, with a passion he'd suspected but never seen, oblivious to any still-lurking monsters. When their desire was satisfied they sank with surprising grace to the floor; he held her close to him. She was kissing tears from his face he didn't remember shedding.

He opened his eyes, still gasping for breath, still hungry for the sight of her.

"Fuck," he said, eloquently, "Rin."

She smiled at him, lips so soft and wet, eyes sparkling.

"Are you OK?" she brushed the hair out of his eyes.

"I may never walk again," he returned her smile with a grin so broad, so warm and so rare that it took her breath away.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa re-tied her boots, Squall kneeling behind her, kneading her shoulders. 

"Let me cure you," he breathed into her hair, "you've still got a cut," he brushed his lips softly over her wounded skin, "on this shoulder."

"Okay." She felt his fingers whisper over her skin, warm comfort soothing the ache. "Thanks."

She leaned back into him, enjoying a closeness she'd never dared to hope she might have with Squall. She'd imagined this scene countless times, albeit usually with considerably more in the way of romance and pillows, but she wasn't sure what she'd expected afterwards: awkwardness, maybe; polite thanks, possibly; a gentle led-down almost certainly, given Squall's usual reluctance and especially now, after the day's events. Even on the Ultimecia mission, when he'd rescued her - so many times it made her cringe inside at her own weakness, now – even then, when it was clear he was growing to love her, his affection was always restrained, a gift to address her need, just as he gave Zell a cure after battle, or told Selphie how clever she was when she was feeling down. Something he'd learned to do as part of his role, not something from his heart. But this was a Squall she hadn't seen before: warm, gentle, holding her with a tenderness she'd never believed him capable of. It occurred to her that she was starting to understand why he was usually so cold and detached: if he felt this much, this deeply, no wonder he was frightened of getting hurt.

"We ought to get back," he whispered in her ear, reluctance clear in his voice. "Zell will be waiting for us."

"Mmmm." She felt too languid to move, enjoying the warmth of the cavern, the pleasant afterglow of sex and battle suffusing her body. She stretched and yawned, testing her newly-cured shoulder.

Squall watched her, overwhelmed by unfamiliar feelings, for once trying not to think too hard.

"You're beautiful," he breathed.

She settled back with a satisfied little smile, pulling his arms around her middle. "You're quite passable yourself."

"I have a question."

"Fire away." 

"Did you plan this?"

"How d'you mean?"

"Well, when you got up this morning, did 'seduce Squall' appear on your to-do list right after 'break all test records' and 'whip Irvine into a frenzy'?"

She laughed. "No." It seemed like a long time since she'd got up that morning, brushed her hair in the spring sunshine. "Just about all I had was 'pass exam' and 'survive Fire Cavern'. The rest kinda just happened."

"I'm not sure that subduing two Guardians and ravishing your Commander 'just happens'." His nose nuzzled into her neck, implying that he was very pleased it had.

She shrugged. "I don't know, somewhere between leaving your office and eating all Selphie's ice cream I just thought 'fuck the lot of them, I'm going to graduate today and I can do it by myself.'" She reached behind her to ruffle his hair. "It seems to have turned out okay, anyway."

"Mmm." He licked behind her ear with the tip of his tongue. "I'm glad. I was thinking of maybe a long and painful conversation, mostly one-sided, a bit of soul searching and then asking you out for dinner and a movie, but," he gently sucked her earlobe, "I think this is better."

"Oh yes." She smiled to herself, trying with some difficulty not to sound too smug. "Were you really? Going to ask me out? You were so mad at me."

"I know. But I had a long talk with Irvine. Cleared a few things up."

"Did you hurt him?" she chastised gently. "It wasn't entirely his fault, you know."

"I don't think so. I did kind of hit him, but he was okay. It doesn't seem to matter now."

"Poor Irvine."

"He's got Selphie."

~_No, _thought Rinoa, _actually he hasn't._ But somehow she couldn't say anything: she didn't want to destroy this rare moment of well-being for him.

"So," he cleared his throat, "Ms Heartilly, will you do me the pleasure of coming with me to the party tonight?"

"Why Commander Leonhart," she replied, batting her eyelashes at him, "what a surprise! But," she added hastily, almost worried he might change his mind, "I would be delighted. Providing I graduate, of course. I could've flunked the written."

"Bollocks," said Squall dismissively. "As if." He noticed a moment of worry cross her features. "Come on, let's go find out."

He pulled her to her feet and reached for his gunblade, brushing dust of his jeans.

"Squall…"

"Uhuh?"

"Are we… together? Really, I mean…" ~_fuck, that sounds so clingy, I didn't mean that; _she grappled for words,"in public and stuff?"

"Well, we've got a date tonight," he flashed her a grin, "we'll have to see."

He may not be used to teasing on purpose, thought Riona, but he's very good at it.

"I just wondered, with… um… you being Commander, and" _~come on, Riona, get your act together, you're supposed to be the articulate one here, _"my second and.. everyone.. um…"

Squall's eyes widened as he realised what she was trying to say.

"You mean," he said slowly, "you're worried people will say you fucked me to make sure you passed the test?"

She scuffed at the dirt with her boot, sheepishly. "It's just … well, yes, I don't want any special privileges."

"You know I wouldn't do that, right? You earned your success, just like the rest of us. Xian passed you, not me. Fuck, Rinoa, you subdued two Guardians. All by yourself." ~_And how_, he thought. "It's your day."

"So…"

"I won't tell anyone. Ever. But," he took her hand and kissed it chastely, "whatever happens at the party is beyond my responsibility."

She hugged him gratefully.

"That's fine. Let's go then."

"We need to think of an alibi," he said, as they started down the path to the Cavern entrance. "Xian left us more than an hour ago." He saw a lava eel wriggle out a little ahead of them, but it turned and scuttled off before he'd even got his hand to his gunblade.

"I know," her eyes sparkled mischievously, "we could say you got wounded and I'd run out of curagas."

"But you never run out. You're a sorcer…"

"Or, that we had a blazing row about Irvine."

"That sounds more likely. But no fair on Irvine. He'd feel bad."

"Mmm.. you're right. I know," she raised a triumphant finger, "you decided to look for Chet's Guardian. And I helped you. And we found it."

"Okay, that sounds plausible, but I don't really want to make a fuss about that until I've had a chance to talk to Chet. And besides…"

"What?"

"I didn't know it was missing. It was his student's Guardian we lost this morning, and it was found down by the beach. It was just kind of… sulking. I only realised Gemini was Chet's when she split in two."

"Oh." Rinoa frowned in confusion. "So Chet didn't say anything about losing his Guardian too?"

Squall shook his head. "No. But thinking back I should've realised. He was so flustered and beat up. She would've cured him if he'd asked, surely? It's not like Chet to risk losing any dignity by appearing before his Commander looking like he got defeated on a student exercise. No wonder he was mad."

Rinoa was very quiet for a while, before finally whispering in a small voice, "so, he'll want her back?"

Squall saw the regret in her face, and smiled. "No, you daft geezard, it doesn't work like that. She's yours now. She likes you."

A smile of relief lit up Rinoa's face. "Yes. She does, rather." 

And in a corner of her mind, Gemini Pandora purred with satisfaction.

* * * * * * *


	7. Graduating

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

This chapter is dedicated to anyone currently chained to a desk when they'd rather be out enjoying life :-(

Feedback very welcome, reviews give me the energy to keep posting! 

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Chapter 7 – Graduating

Zell was pacing the corridor outside the Training Centre, chewing anxiously on the end of a pencil. His initial delight on hearing Xian's report on Rinoa's performance in the Fire Cavern had faded more with every minute that passed. He couldn't understand what was taking her so long… but he could imagine, all too well. Various scenarios played through his mind, mostly involving Squall storming off and leaving Rinoa helpless in the face of some hideous attack.

"Not back yet, then?" Zell hadn't heard Irvine approach, and his voice made him jump.

"Shit, man, give a guy some warning."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak."

Zell wasn't impressed. "There's no sign of her. It's been over an hour now."

"She's with Squall, right? She'll be okay."

"I suppose." Zell didn't look convinced. "He was kinda mad, though."

"Where are Selph and Quistis?"

"They'll be back soon, I think they went to check she didn't go straight back to her room."

"Oh."

"Irvine… what if something's happened?"

"Don't be daft. They'll be fine."

"But if it did… it would be all my fault."

"Er… how d'you work that one out?"

"Because I'm instructor. I shouldn't let my feelings get in the way."

"Your feelings? Oh… oh!" the implication of Zell's words dawned on him. "I didn't realise you felt that way about Rinoa," Irvine lied carefully.

"Well, now you do." Zell looked suddenly panicked. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

Irvine shook his head. "Safe with me, man." He regarded Zell thoughtfully. "It must be hard. For you. Instructor and all."

Zell shrugged. "Sometimes. But she and Squall…"

"Made for each other. Yes, I know. If only they knew it, eh?" Then, more gently, "you must think he doesn't deserve her."

Zell shifted awkwardly, leaned uncomfortably against the wall. "After all he's been through… I just wish he made her happy, that's all."

"I think he will. Maybe he already does, in a way. Man…" Irvine put a hand on Zell's shoulder, barely flinching when Zell shrugged it off, "you need to move on. Find someone who can love you back. Feel the fun a little."

Zell's eyes flashed angrily. "Oh, that's easy for you to say, isn't it, Mr Love 'em and Leave 'em! You don't even know what it's like to really love someone, you just use your moves to get what you want, don't care what happens after, and all the while you've got Selphie just waiting 'til you get bored!"

Irvine was stunned into silence for a moment by this unexpected attack. _Is that what you think? Is that how people see me, even now?_ He wanted to protest to Zell how much he hurt, how Selphie had never returned his affections – apart from that one, sweet afternoon in Esthar – and how sometimes he needed someone to hold so much he slept cuddling his pillow like a lovesick teenager. But he couldn't, any more than Zell could admit he needed a shoulder to cry on. He fell back on the only defence he knew.

"I just think I'm too young and gorgeous to settle down. And so are you."

Zell snorted. "I'm not like you. Thank Gods. I care."

If he hadn't turned away he would have seen Irvine flinch as if he'd been slapped in the face.

__

What have I done? When did you start to hate me?

Before he could think of any kind of reply, they were interrupted by an out of breath Selphie running down the corridor, dragging Quistis, who was trying hard to look her usual dignified, sedate self, in her wake.

"No sign!" she panted. 

"Damn." Zell aimed a kick at the Training Centre door. "Where the fuck are they?"

Selphie shrugged. "Probably saving the world, I expect. As usual."

"Oh no," said Irvine, "they're not allowed to do that without us."

"So what now?" Selphie sidled up to Zell. "You could tell us. Her result, I mean."

"Of course I can't!" Zell smiled at Selphie, despite himself. "Do you have any idea how hard Rinoa would hit me if I did that?"

"She need never know." Selphie treated him to her cutest eyelash flutter.

"Selphie," warned Quistis, "he's quite right. It wouldn't be proper."

"Oh, no fair," pouted Selphie. "Alright. What shall we… oh, look! There they are!"

The relief on Zell's face was a rare unguarded window to his feelings that no-one saw, as they all turned towards a hot, dirty but otherwise apparently unharmed Squall and Rinoa jogging down the corridor.

"Where have you been?" Selphie chided the pair. "Zell was sooo worried. He's been clucking like you wouldn't…"

"Rubbish," Zell interrupted, "Just pissed off… you know, things to do and all."

"Squall had to deal with some… leader stuff," said Rinoa, "on the way back," she continued. "It took a while," she finished lamely.

"Well," Zell looked sternly at her. "You're here now." He looked round the anxious, waiting faces of his friends. "Don't you guys have somewhere to be?"

"Oh, Zell," Selphie stamped her foot, "you're so mean!"

"This way, 'Elf," Irvine took her hand and led her firmly through the door of the Training Centre. "Fancy a bit of grat-bashing, guys?" Quistis took the hint, Squall following hesitantly behind. "Come on Commander, I'll see if we can't find some doors for you to destroy," said Irvine, trying to suppress a smile at the look that passed between Squall and Rinoa as they left.

* * * * * * *

"So." Zell cleared his throat. "Rinoa Heartilly."

"Yes, Instructor Dincht." The expression on her face was somewhere between exuberance and desperation.

"Xian tells me you did well at the Fire Caverns."

She nodded, looking as if she was expecting him to say 'but…'. His face broke into a broad grin.

"Shit, Rinoa, I can't do this the formal way. You're brilliant. You passed everything with top marks: your written exam was the best since Squall's. Congratulations, Riona. You made SeeD, starting rank 15, in recognition of the field service you've already put in."

She squealed with delight, flinging her arms round him and covering his face with big slobbery kisses like an overexcited moomba.

"Thank you, Zell! Oh thank you! You're the best instructor EVER!"

"That's okay. You were the one who did all the hard work." _You were the one who came to me two years ago, full of power and fear and determination, not knowing what to do with any of it but so desperate to learn. _He pulled her arms gently from around his neck. "Well done, Rinoa," his eyes were warm with sincerity, "you deserve this."

There was a crash and the would-be grat hunters fell out of the Training Centre. Rinoa found herself at the centre of a mass of hugging and squealing, differences forgotten, and in the midst of the excitement, Squall's hand squeezing her own. 

__

I can't believe I'm a SeeD. After two years, I'm one of them. At last. 

"Hey, Rinoa," said Irvine, "what Guardian did you get?"

"Honestly, Irvine," Quistis chided, "you should have more respect. They're not a free gift you find in a cereal packet, you know."

"Sorry, Ms Trepe," Irvine teased, "I'll try to remember that in future."

"It's called Yujan," said Rinoa, "fire, mostly. A bit of earth magic too, though."

"Was the junction okay?" said Zell, anxiously. "Elementals can be…"

"Painful? Yes, it hurt but it was okay after a bit. It feels weird, though, having two…"

"With Leviathan," Squall interjected swiftly, "as well."

"It would," Zell frowned, "fire and water not good. You might want to keep Leviathan unjunctioned for a bit until you've introduced them properly."

"Yes. Um… yes, I will. Look, if you guys don't mind I ought to go and get a shower, and I have to tell my father. So I'll see you later, at the party, yeah?" 

"Just make sure he doesn't give you any grief," said Selphie, "you're a SeeD now, whether he likes it of not."

Rinoa smiled grimly. "That's a bit of a case of his worst fears coming true," she said, "so he's not going to take it well. I'll just have to grin and bear it. See you later." With one last round of hugs, she was gone.

"Well, I'm off to finish today's reports," Quistis announced to no-one in particular.

"I'm starving," said Selphie, "come on Zell, you must want a hot-dog now."

"Too right." Zell had cheered up considerably. "Coming, Squall?"

"No, I've got a meeting," said Squall. "Look, thanks for everything, Zell. Rinoa couldn't have had a better instructor. She was awesome."

"She's always been awesome. But thanks."

They went their separate ways, Selphie and Zell rushing off to the cafeteria at their usual breakneck speed, Irvine and Squall heading for the lift. Quistis found herself alone for a moment in the corridor. Something was nagging at her mind, but she couldn't quite grasp what it was: a thought, or a memory, or just déjà vu.

Frowning, she went back to her office, trying to pin down exactly what was bugging her.

__

~As if I didn't have enough to worry about.

* * * * * * *

"So you don't know where you found the crystals?"

Xu stirred her tea slowly, a small frown on her delicate features. Squall stared at his mug, feeling foolish for what he was about to say.

"I forgot."

Xu suppressed a smile, trying to remember that Squall was her Commander and not a cadet who'd missed a training session. "You forgot?" she probed patiently.

"It sounds stupid, I know," Squall continued, "but I can't remember actually collecting them."

"What about the others?"

"The other crystals? I don't know, this is the first mission we…"

"No," Xu corrected gently, "I mean the other members of the team. Rinoa, Irvine?"

Squall shook his head. "Only Rinoa came to the room with me: Selphie was injured, and so I left Irvine with her."

"Does Rinoa remember anything?"

"I don't know." Squall ran his fingers anxiously through his hair; he'd never felt so unprepared for a meeting before in his life. "That is… it's been her final SeeD exam today. I haven't had a chance to ask her about it." ~_Gods, that sounds lame._

"I hear she passed with flying colours," Xu smiled, "best since a certain Squall Leonhart, I heard."

"So they say." The memory of the day he'd passed came sharply to mind; Xu and Quistis congratulating him and Zell one minute and bawling Seifer out the next. _And now here I am, Commander of SeeD, and Xu Head of Garden. And Seifer…_

He shook his head, chasing the memory away. "I'll ask Rinoa tonight," he said. "About the crystals," he added.

"Don't worry, I'll see her in the morning. She'll want to celebrate tonight, I expect."

Squall felt a shiver race up his spine. He already had some ideas as to how he wanted to help Rinoa celebrate. One of them involved chocolate syrup. 

He picked up his mug with a slightly shaking hand, desperately trying to get his mind back to worrying about energy crystals and lost memories.

"What do we know about the crystals, Xu? Are we any closer to finding out what the Dia are up to?"

Xu shook her head and sighed. "Not really. We're running tests on the crystals, but it takes forever. And there's still more to find. We could really do with some decent recon."

"But the Dia are so xenophobic. I can't imagine how we could get anyone in under cover."

"No. Unless we get a lot better at making prosthetic tentacles."

Squall laughed. "I can't see that happening. What about surveillance?"

"Yes, that's the next move, I think, plant some bugs and cameras. That means sending in a squad."

"Anyone in mind?"

"Well, now you mention it… it's up to you, of course, but I wondered if Rinoa was ready for a new challenge. Do you think she'd be up for it?"

"Her first mission as a SeeD? Just try and hold her back. And Selphie, of course, she's got the experience."

"Oh. Is she okay? Fully recovered, I mean?"

Squall didn't notice the flicker of panic that crossed Xu's face. 

"Oh yes, she's back on form. Takes more than a flaming rug to get Selphie down."

"Oh. Good."

"I'll send Quistis, too," said Squall. "To keep them in line."

"Great. I'll brief Quis in the morning, if we can get organised they can go after rest day. Top security, no public announcements?"  


"Oh yeah. We can't take any chances, Xu. I've had a bad feeling about the Dia from the first time we heard about them. Edea is never wrong about this kind of thing; if she says it's a problem, I want it tackled top priority."

"Of course."

"Well," Squall drained his mug, "I guess that's our next move decided. I'll let you know if I remember anything about the crystals." He frowned, "oh, there is one thing. I don't suppose you've seen Chet this afternoon?"

Xu shook her head. "No, I haven't. Mind you, I've been pretty busy. Hardly out of the office really."

"Oh. Well, if you see him, could you ask him to report to me? There's something I need to discuss urgently, and I haven't been able to find him."

"Of course."

"Thanks. Well, I'd better go now: party to get to and all."

Xu nodded, a mischievous twinkle in her deep brown eyes. "Will you be dancing this year, Squall?"

"I tell you what," Squall rose to his feet, "if you're really nice to me, I might even dance with you."

"Squall! Are you feeling alright?!"

He smiled. "Never better, Xu. I think I've finally got a few things in perspective." Then, realising he may have given too much away, "leader stuff," he added, enigmatically.

* * * * * * *

Quistis closed her door and leaned wearily against it. Her head ached, and however pleased she was for Rinoa, she really didn't feel like partying.

She took off her glasses and rubbed tired eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. Too long in front of her computer, too many reports. Too much to worry about. The muscles at the back of her neck and across her shoulders cramped.

__

When did I get so tense? Why?

With a deep sigh she kicked off her boots and padded to the bathroom, turned on taps and poured bubbles. She knelt by the bath, paddling fingers in soft water, lost in her thoughts, although if she'd been asked she couldn't have explained what she'd been thinking.

She undressed slowly, folding her clothes neatly, even the ones destined for the laundry basket. Quistis knew her tidiness bordered on the compulsive, but she liked order, feeling in control of the world around her. It was her way of coping with the chaotic and disturbing elements of her life: she may not know what was around the corner, but she would face it in clean clothes and the knowledge that all her bills were paid – and filed for future reference.

She untied her hair, enjoying the caress of blonde silk as it fell down her naked back. She pulled fingers through it from root to tip, teasing out the odd tangle here and there, but mostly just luxuriating in the sensuality of the moment.

She stepped into her bath and closed her eyes as she slid under the foam, the luxurious warmth comforting aching muscles.

__

How come I feel worse after a day in the office than I did after going ten rounds with the Galbadian army?

She relaxed at last, and her headache began to fade. If only she could stay here for a ocuple of hours, she thought she might even feel human again. But as usual, she didn't have that long. She tried to push such negative thoughts out of her mind, but it was never easy.

I could junction Pandemonia. Just for a while. Just until the party's over.

She frowned at herself. Quistis was, as Irvine regularly observed, obsessively stringent when it came to keeping rules, guidelines and even voluntary codes of practice. To junction a Guardian simply to get enough energy to survive a social function fragrantly contravened all three.

__

But still tempting. No-one need know. Pandemonia wouldn't mind. She likes Quistis.

She shook her head. It was just a daydream. An idle thought. Of course she'd do no such thing.

She tried to concentrate on less disturbing ideas. Rinoa was so pleased to be a SeeD at last, and even Squall had looked happy.

__

Squall, happy two days in a row? There must be something wrong.

Zell would be so proud of Rinoa; she remembered the fierce satisfaction she'd taken when her cadets had passed their final exams, especially Squall. And the personal failure she'd felt when they didn't pass. _Seifer…._

She wrenched her mind back to the present.

Irvine and Selphie, playing the fool as ever, climbing over each other to listen at the Training Centre door when Rinoa got her results, all youthful exuberance and excitement. She snorted to herself; it seemed hard to believe sometimes that both Selphie and Irvine's lives often depended on their capacity for silence and stillness. Maybe they just overcompensated when they got a chance to let off steam.

__

Everyone's happy but me. They've all found ways of coping. It's only me who's still lonely and has flashbacks and is so, so tired…

Sickened by her own self pity, Quistis reached for the soap and started to wash, methodically, as if she was cleaning herself of this futile negativity. She didn't take pleasure in touching her soft, glowing skin. She noticed with annoyance how her thighs had lost some of the muscle they'd developed when she was instructing, or, later, on the mission to conquer Ultimecia. She ought to train more.

__

But too tired. Always too tired.

She submerged to rinse, blowing bubbles through the water, all sound replaced by the roar of bathwater in her ears and a faint knocking of pipes.

She pushed her head out of the water again, reached for shampoo. Her ears were still singing: she tipped her head first one way, then the other as she lathered her hair. As her hearing returned she was aware of a beeping from the direction of the kitchen.

__

Too late to answer now. Let them leave a message.

Proud of herself for this positive idea, she stood up, water and foam cascading down her shoulders, her breasts. She pulled out the plug deftly with one toe and turned on the shower to rinse her hair. Eyes closed, she let the powerful jet of water beat against her neck.

She couldn't remember when she'd started to feel so much older than the others, so separate. She'd always been the one in charge, even in the orphanage, but never out of things. It hurt, sometimes, when they teased her for being bossy, organised, responsible. It didn't used to bother her: she used to be able to take a joke, even if she didn't make them very often.

She knew her job separated her from the others sometimes. She seemed to get less and less field duty as Xu shared more of the strategic responsibilities with her. She was pleased to help: Xu was an old friend and bore a lot on her young shoulders. But Quistis saw the look in their eyes, how they glazed over when she talked about tactics, or politics. Even Squall, sometimes.

__

Well, they are trained fighters, after all, killers, not politicians.

The thought shocked her. After all, she was SeeD trained herself, and being a soldier didn't mean you had no morals. The Ultimecia mission, and many others since, had proved that. The days when SeeD was just a mercenary force for hire were fading into memory. 

__

But there's so much they don't understand. They don't even care. They live on adrenaline. They don't know what it's like for me, so many decisions, so many secrets.

Quistis knew this was a dangerous train of thought, that only seemed to confirm the distance between her and her friends, make her loneliness seem more real.

She turned off the shower, stepped out of the bath, wrapped herself in warm towels and rinsed the tub, sluicing remnants of shampoo and bath scum down the plughole, trying to visualise her depressing thoughts gurgling away with it.

__

If only it were that easy.

She went to the kitchen to make coffee, noticed the insistent red light flashing on her message machine. Unable to ignore what could, until actually listened to, be the most important news in the world, she pressed the button.

"You have two messages," the machine reported with an excitement in its simulated voice that Quistis didn't share. "First message."

"Hi Quisty," came Xu's steady voice, "um… I know you've got a late night tonight, but could you drop by first thing tomorrow? We need to change some mission assignments and… well, I'll explain tomorrow. 09:00 hours would be cool. Have a great time tonight."

__

Oh, that's great. All this and now no rest day tomorrow. 

She pressed the button for the next message.

"Hey Quistis," Squall always sounded unreal on recordings, somehow lighter and less serious than usual. "Just to say we're meeting in the quad before the party, Rinoa's class are doing some kind of a welcome drinks reception thing. So be there, if you can."

__

Squall organising a social activity? Now I've heard everything.

Quistis stared at the machine, finger poised over the erase button. The misery that had been threatening her for hours, - maybe days, weeks, even months, she wasn't sure - sank to the pit of her stomach and churned, stripping her of any resistance like a dispel washing away a shield spell, filling her heart with darkness and despair.

__

I can't work tomorrow. I don't want to go out. I don't want to pollute their happiness with my pain. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

She leaned against the counter and let the tears come. Eventually it would pass. It must.

__

So weak. So tired.

Quistis knew this wasn't right. She'd always been a worrier, prone to depression. But this was different. This was a frightening, seductive darkness that threatened to overwhelm her completely.

__

I could junction Pandemonia. I'd feel strong. Just for tonight..

She sighed wearily.

__

How could it hurt?

Why did she feel like this? Was she really so worthless?

__

They must do it all the time, the others. They're always so happy, so full of life. This must be how they do it.

She stood up straight, dried her tears on her soft, fluffy towel.

__

Just once won't hurt. If they can do it, so can I.

She closed her eyes, and reached inside her mind.

"Pandemonia. Are you there?"

__

~Instructor.~ Quistis flinched inwardly; the Guardians had always called her that, right from her first junction, but what was once an exciting promise of her destiny was now a reminder of her bitter failure.

"Be with me, Pandemonia."

__

~As you wish.~

She felt the gentle surge of energy as Pandemonia slipped into junction. The soft, familiar touch of power flowed through her body and mind, cleansing her soul of darkness as her bath had cleansed her body.

With fingers that shook only a little, she reached into the cupboard and took out a small bottle, flicked the stopper out, poured its golden, slightly glowing liquid down her throat, wiped her lips on the back of one trembling hand.

Her body relaxed at last as the healing took effect; strength flooded her limbs, her mind came to clarity with a shock like early morning sun when the blinds are opened.

She breathed deeply, adrenaline pumping.

Leaving her towels in a damp heap on the kitchen floor, she went to get dressed for the party.

* * * * * * *


	8. Watching

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

If it's legal for you and you like more smut to your story, the uncensored version is on my website, www.scribblemoose.co.uk. 

Feedback very welcome, on any version, here or by e-mail.

************************************************************

Chapter 8 – Watching

Irvine arrived at the quad before the others. Casually dressed in jeans and his favourite purple T-shirt, he oozed the calm confidence that might be expected of someone who'd saved the world (and won the girl) more than once in his young life.

He got himself a drink and leaned against the wall, watching as the new graduates arrived, greeting each other with over-excited hugs and squeals, feelings exaggerated by the elation and relief of graduating.

"Hi Irvine."

"Hey Squall, man."

"Great night, huh?"

__

OK. That's not Squall-like. That was small talk. Squall doesn't do small talk.

Irvine did a mental check-list of Squall's appearance for any evidence of derangement or possession. _Black jeans, check; blue shirt (new?), check; enough belts to tie up a behemoth with one left over to whip it with, check; dark hair (freshly washed) kinda messy and falling in eyes, check; broody, sullen expression, ch… Hang on. No. He's grinning. A lot. Of course. Rinoa._

"It worked out for you then, man?"

"What?"  


"Rinoa and you… sorted stuff out, right?"

"Oh. Yeah. We really did."

"That's great," said Irvine, and meant it.

"Irvine… can I ask you something?"

"Of course, anything."

"Do I look OK?"

Irvine swallowed hard, trying not to burst out laughing.

"You look great, man. Sex on legs, as always." He meant that, too. "What's up?"

Squall coughed, stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets.

"I'm on a date."

"A date?"

Squall nodded. "With Rinoa," he added.

"Well, that's good, Squall. It would've ruined her evening if you'd turned up with someone else."

"Don't tease, Irvine, this is weird enough as it is."

Irvine was almost relieved to hear Squall sounding more like his usual grumpy self: he felt his world view had shifted enough for one day.

"Sorry man. Look, you've been on a date before, right?"

"Well, before Rinoa, when I was younger… girls always liked me, you know?" 

"Well, dating's pretty much the same as it was then. Just the girls seem to get prettier, and between you and me," he leaned towards Squall, conspiratorially, "they're more likely to put out, if you know what I mean."

Squall flashed him an icy look. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Irvine grinned. "Squall, you and Rinoa were born to date. It'll be a great night and the two of you'll make the rest of us throw up with the perfect datiness of it all. Trust me. Anyway," Irvine had spotted Rinoa approaching, wearing a slinky blue dress that clung in all the right places, "it's too late to panic now."

"Hi Squall, Irvine."

Irvine watched Squall's reaction with amusement, saw the frostiness and nervousness drain away.

"Rinoa," said Squall, and she kissed him briefly on the cheek, chaste affection. But Irvine noticed how easily Squall's hand brushed her waist, how comfortably she pressed herself against him, even if just for a moment. He began to suspect that Squall hadn't told him everything. By a long way.

"Irvy!" Selphie ran up, Zell close behind her. She cannoned into Irvine, flinging her arms around him. "How's your nose?"

"Sore, thanks," he said, very conscious of her soft body against his, "I need you to kiss it better."

"Bad Irvine! Insatiable boy! That's what got it hurt in the … first… place…" Selphie tailed off guiltily, spotting Squall and Rinoa, suddenly realising Squall might not appreciate her making light of his feelings. "You look great, Rin," she tried to recover, "that dress is so hot. Did you get it in Balamb?" She looked pleadingly at her friend.

"No, I got it in Deling, last visit home," said Rinoa.

There was an awkward pause; Irvine shifted uncomfortably.

"Squall," Selphie began, "I'm…"

"~_Cure~_" said Squall quietly, making a tiny gesture towards Irvine. Magic fizzed from his fingertips, momentarily bathing Irvine in sharp blue light.

Selphie sighed with relief; Irvine and Squall's eyes met.

"Thanks." Irvine said.

Squall simply nodded.

"Using magic off-duty, Commander?" Squall found himself starting guiltily at the sound of Quistis' disapproving voice.

"Hi Quis." He decided not to explain himself. He outranked her, after all. At least theoretically, even if she did seem tapped straight into his conscience.

"Hey Quis," bounced Selphie, "lookin' good!"

"Yeah," Irvine added smoothly, "great dress, Quisty. Red really suits you."

Quistis smiled, almost girlishly, smoothing her short skirt over her hips. "Thank you, Irvine. Nice of you to say so."

__

Gods, Irvine, thought Squall _you really are good at this._

"Well," said Irvine, "I'm glad they decided not to go formal this year."

"So you can ogle women better, you mean?" said Zell accusingly.

"Well actually," said Irvine, slightly offended, "I was going to say the collars get kinda hot and itchy, and it's so warm tonight." He looked wistfully at Selphie. "I quite like a girl in uniform, actually."

Selphie hit him playfully on the arm.

"Come on, Squall," Rinoa slipped a hand in his, making him jump: he hadn't even begun to get used to the idea of physical contact in public yet. "I ought to mingle."

"OK." He allowed himself to be led off towards the gaggle of new SeeD graduates, casting a somewhat helpless look over his shoulder at Irvine.

"What's that all about?" asked Quistis.

"A date," said Irvine, trying not to laugh. "They're on a date."

"Well, fuck me and call me Mrs Happy Ever After," said Selphie.

Irvine opened his mouth, but whatever he'd been about to say, he thought better of it. He sneaked a look at Zell instead to see how he'd handled the news, but he seemed OK. Happy, even.

"Well, not before time, if you asked me," said Quistis. "So long as it doesn't get in the way of work."

"Oh, I think it's so cute." Selphie hugged herself. "Look, she's introducing him to her friends from class."

"I think they already know him, 'Elf. He is their Commander, after all."

"Yes, but it's different if he's her date," Selphie tried to explain. 

"I wonder if that's what he's been waiting for all this time," murmured Quistis, "to make sure she'd qualified and everything, wasn't his student anymore."

"I don't think so," said Zell. "After all, he never taught her, and he's still her commanding officer."

"Mmm…" Quistis seemed lost in thought.

"Well, I think it's sweet," said Selphie.

"Yeah," said Irvine. "Now, who's up for another drink? I'm sure the last thing Squall needs is us gawping at him across the quad."

They had just left for the bar when an over-excited young woman backed into Irvine so hard it almost knocked him off balance.

"Oh, sorry!" she said, and blushed as she realised exactly who she'd bumped into. "I mean, sorry, Sir."

"At ease," said Irvine. "No harm done."

"Thank you, Sir," and with an embarrassed half-smile, she fled.

Zell snorted. "They're throwing themselves at you tonight, Kinneas."

"Well, you know," said Irvine, "some of us have a magic touch."

__

It's just a pity they always seem to run away, he thought.

* * * * * * *

Squall felt better once he had Rinoa to himself on the dance floor. A combination of the impracticality of talking over the loud music, and the need to keep in close physical proximity to each other made it a bit like being in battle together, which felt far more familiar to Squall than socialising.

__

That's kind of sad. We've probably spent more time fighting together than anything else.

Still, dancing was good for other reasons: the feeling of her soft warm body pressing into his, the light oceanic smell of her hair. He brushed her ear with his lips, and was rewarded by her tightening her hold on him, a kiss to his neck.

He considered taking her in his arms for a long and passionate kiss, but decided that it might not be considered appropriate in such a public place.

"If you keep doing that to my ear," said Rinoa, "we're going to have to leave the party early."

"Mnng.." he replied.

"And then people will really start talking."

He pulled back, grinning.

"Let them talk," he said. "This is your night. We can dance all night or fuck all night, I don't care."

She grinned back.

"Well, maybe a bit more dancing," she said, "for now."

"Whatever."

Meanwhile, Irvine sat at a table with Selphie and Zell, watching Quistis talking animatedly to a firearms instructor at the bar. As usual she was being closely monitored by a small gaggle of Treppies; for some reason she always seemed to attract groupies, more even than Squall. She was beautiful, of course, and clever, and had a sort of aloofness about her. She was very strict about fraternising with students though: Irvine admired the way she dealt with the ones who developed serious crushes on her. Always firm but never unkind.

"Quis looks great, doesn't she?" said Selphie. "I think it suits her, working with Xu."

"It would drive me up the wall, all that paperwork," confessed Zell. "I'd have too much energy and nothing to do with it."

"It's not the same without her, though," pondered Selphie, "on missions. When she has to stay behind, it's always as if something's missing."

"Has she said anything about the crystals?" Irvine asked.

Selphie shrugged. "Not really. I don't think they know much. Why?"

"Just a thought. With Rinoa and everything, I'd forgotten, but Squall said something weird: he couldn't remember collecting them."

"What, the whole day?" asked Selphie. "It was only yesterday."

"No, just the bit where they got the crystals. Odd."

"His mind was probably on other things," said Zell, nodding towards the dance floor. 

"He said not," said Irvine. "But, I guess these things happen." He suddenly didn't feel like pursuing the topic any further. "Fuck, listen to me, I'm talking about work. Don't tell Quistis or it'll ruin my reputation as a slacker."

"Oh, I think it'll take more than that," said Selphie. "Oh, there's Xu. There was something I wanted to ask her. Won't be long." And she was gone.

* * * * * * *

Irvine wasn't surprised when Zell left the table shortly afterwards, claiming to have seen one of his students who needed congratulating. He hated the idea, but Zell was clearly still mad at him, and he didn't understand exactly why.

Irvine put his feet up on the stool Zell had vacated, and settled back to watch the party develop. He noticed Squall and Rinoa leave the room, saw Quistis rest a casual hand on her colleague's arm from time to time. It was an innocent enough gesture, but anyone who knew Quistis well would have been surprised to see it. She wasn't normally the touchy-feely type.

Selphie was dancing with Xu and Xian and Nida; Irvine cringed somewhat, as moving to music evidently wasn't one of Nida's strong points. Steering a ship clearly came more naturally to him than navigating his way round a dance floor.

Irvine was starting to feel lonely.

"Captain Kinneas."

He hated it when people called him that: it sounded like a comic book character. He raised his eyes to see the girl who had bumped into him back in the quad. 

"Call me Irvine, please. We're off-duty."

She looked all pink and pleased at the idea.

"Irvine. I just wanted to say sorry. Again. I don't usually go round bumping into people."

She was pretty, Irvine noticed. Rich red hair tied back in an elaborate kind of braid, blue-green eyes and a sweet smile. 

"What's your name?"

"Frila, Sir. Irvine."

"Well, Frila," he smiled lazily at her, "consider your apology thoroughly accepted. Now," he swung his legs off the stool, "d'you want to join me? Or have you got lots of friends you need to be with?"

His look could only be described as predatory.

"Okay," said Frila cheerfully, "if you don't mind." She plonked herself down. "I've always wanted to meet you. Oh shit, I sound like a groupie. I'm not. Really. I just… well, you are a bit famous round here."

"I should warn you that I'm not that interesting when you get to know me," purred Irvine. "I have been known to go for whole days at a time without saving the world or even slaying dragons of any kind."

She laughed, a deep, throaty chuckle that made Irvine feel warm inside.

"Anyway," he said, "what about you? Slayed any good dragons?"

"Not lately."

"What weapon do you specialise in?"

"Gunblade."

Irvine whistled. "Serious stuff." Now she mentioned it, he noted the strength of her arms and shoulders, lean, toned muscle, steady hands. "Don't know how you cope with it, myself. Weight feels all wrong to me. And the speed… spend all your energy moving the damn thing like a sword, then have to hold it still to fire. Still, can't beat it in a fight. Good for you, hotshot."

"It's hard work. Gets to me sometimes. It can be lonely."

"Yes. That's true of any weapon, though. If you want to be as good as you can be."

"Well, there are ways. Guardians, f'r instance."

"Guardians give you power. They can't give you skill. That's got to come the hard way."

She shrugged, seemed unconvinced. But then Guardians would be new to her; if she'd only just graduated chances are she'd had a Guardian of her own for less than a day. He remembered the heady power of his first junction; it had felt like he could do anything. 

"Anyway, that's work stuff," she said. "If I'm going to convince my friends that I really did have a conversation with the great Irvine Kinneas, I need to find out more about you."

"Fire away, hotshot. I'll tell you anything."

"Well." She picked up a beer mat from the table and started to peel the printed layer off the top. "What was time compression really like?"

"Pretty scary," said Irvine, honestly, "confusing. Dangerous. Necessary."

"Would you do it again?"

"Of course," although he shuddered inwardly at the thought. "It's what we do."

"When we're not studying and training and having parties."

"Of course. Which reminds me," Irvine leaned forward, looking into those adorable green eyes, "would you like a drink?"

* * * * * * *

Squall pulled open the door and dragged Rinoa, giggling, inside. It was suddenly pitch black. 

"Shhh," he said, struggling not to laugh himself, "someone'll hear."

"Squall, we're in a cupboard in a corridor. Who's going to hear us?"

"I don't know. Anyone passing, I guess."

"They're all at the party." 

"Oh, I don't know. Someone else might decide to come and make out in a closet."

"Well," he felt Rinoa's body suddenly very close to his, "they can't have this one." She pushed him, none too gently, so his back was against the door. "Now, kiss me."

He didn't need asking twice. Holding her soft and warm in his arms, darkness focusing his sense of touch, he felt an escape from thought he'd been hungry for nearly all his life. He sank into desire completely, letting his body's feelings subdue his mind. 

* * * * *

Irvine was at the bar when he became aware of a disturbance outside. His first thought was to ignore it: it was a party, after all, there were bound to be high spirits. But something told him it wasn't just that; his trained senses kicked in and he looked automatically across to Quistis. She was already moving. 

"Trouble?" He slipped Ether into junction, just in case. 

"I don't know," said Quistis, "let's go see."

As they approached the door a young man Irvine recognised as one of Rinoa's classmates rushed up to them.

"It's Risha," he panted, the name meaning nothing to Irvine, "she's completely freaked out!"

Quistis frowned. "Risha? Chet's student?"

The cadet nodded. "She was fine a moment ago and then she started screaming. I don't know what's wrong with her."

"Okay, where is she?"

"In the quad." He had already turned to lead the way. They followed him down the steps and towards the far end of the quad, where a small crowd had gathered. They shouldered their way to the centre, and found a small, wretched figure sat on the ground, knees hugged to her chest, sobbing, rocking back and forth. Irvine's breath caught in his throat: he'd rarely seen anyone look so frightened, so vulnerable.

"Risha…" Quistis knelt next to the girl, holding out a hand but careful not to touch her first, "Risha, it's Quistis. What's the matter?"

At first it didn't seem as if she had even noticed Quistis' presence, but slowly she reached out trembling fingers, clasped Quistis' hand.

"Help me… oh gods, please help me…"

Irvine reached for Ether. _~What's wrong with her?~_

There was a pause before the Guardian answered him. _~ She is frightened, Sniper. She has seen something she did not wish to see. She is in danger. Her mind is breaking. ~_

"Quis," said Irvine, "the Infirmary. Now. This is bad."

Quistis nodded. "Risha, can you stand? I'd like you to come with us. We'll go somewhere quiet."

Risha nodded, but made no attempt to move. Quistis gently pulled her to her feet. 

"Irvine, can you carry her?"

"Of course." He lifted the fragile form in strong arms, Quistis still holding one trembling hand. Irvine realised that Zell was there, reassuring people, dispersing the crowd. _Always a team, _he thought _whatever we think of each other, the instant something happens, we click together like a finished puzzle._

Risha burrowed her face into his neck, crying quietly now, moaning softly. Irvine held her close and broke into a run.

Xu was right behind them by the time they reached the Infirmary. 

"What happened? Zell paged me. Is she okay?"

Irvine shook his head, laying Risha gently on the nearest bed. She whimpered as he let her go, stretching out a hand, panic in her eyes.

He sat next to her, held her hand, stroked her raven-black hair back from her face. Quistis pulled a blanket over her quivering body. 

"Shhh…" Irvine soothed, "you're okay." _~Ether, can you make her sleep?~_

~I will try.~

Irvine felt the familiar surge as Ether's power flowed through him. He caught a glimpse of Risha's mind as Ether willed her to unconsciousness, tasted the chaotic, churning, writhing fear inside her. When Ether withdrew she was asleep, but Irvine realised he was trembling.

"She'll sleep now," he said, "while we decide what we can do to save her." He continued to stroke Risha's hair. Something about her pale face surrounded by that dark mane reminded of a younger Rinoa, when they first met and she seemed so naïve and helpless.

"It might have been useful to question her," said Xu gently.

Irvine turned on Xu, rage flashing in his eyes. "If we'd done that she would be fucking dead already!"

Quistis had never seen Irvine that angry. Ever. "Irvy," she stepped between them to command his attention, "it's okay."

He closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath. When he opened them Quistis was relieved to see his usual calm, steady gaze.

"I'm sorry," he said, "it was… intense."

"Is she alright?" came a voice Irvine didn't recognise at first. Then he realised Risha's friend was standing next to him, his face anxious and scared.

"Yes," said Irvine, hoping it was true. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"She was fine… she'd just been cleared by the Doc, she was so pleased because she didn't want to miss the party, even if she hadn't graduated, and then she just started screaming and screaming…"

"Did she say anything," asked Quistis, "anything at all that might tell us what frightened her so much?"

He shook his head. "All she said was that she wanted to forget: she kept repeating 'forget, forget, forget' over and over. I've no idea what she meant."

__

~ Ether? ~

~ He speaks truth, Sniper. She saw something she did not wish to see. ~

Sometimes Irvine fervently wished Ether wouldn't talk in riddles, but he knew from experience there was no point in trying to get him to extrapolate. 

__

~ Words are not easy for me, Sniper. They are strange. They confine feelings, trap thought. ~

~ I know. Sorry. ~ Irvine wasn't quite sure what he was apologising for but it seemed the thing to do.

"There was another thing," Risha's friend said. "She said something about the Dia. I couldn't make it out, and we were talking about them just before she started screaming, so it might just have been that. But it seemed odd. Are you sure she's going to be alright?"

"She'll be fine," said Quistis, "we'll take care of her."

Irvine was aware of a gentle hand on his shoulder. It was a nurse; he shook his head, trying to focus on his surroundings, but the echo of Risha's fear still resonated in his mind.

"Irvine Kinneas again? Twice in one day?" the nurse was saying, "yet another damsel in distress?"

Irvine smiled weakly. "They're just throwing themselves at me today," he mumbled.

"It's okay. We'll take it from here," she said, more gently. "I'll need to get her changed and settled into bed," she explained, when Irvine failed to move. Suddenly realising what she meant, he gave Risha's hair one last stroke and got up.

"She'll sleep for about twelve hours, according to Ether," he said. "It's really important to keep her sedated after that. Until we can find out what's wrong."

"We'll do that." 

"Take care of her," said Irvine, softly, "she's so frightened."

The nurse nodded, busy with sheets and a drip.

Irvine joined Quistis and Xu in the visitor's area as the curtains were drawn around Risha's cubicle. He realised that Risha's friend had gone, and wondered briefly when that happened; _shit, but time compression fucks with your mind. _Quistis handed him a glass of water; he drank gratefully.

"I've sent for Squall," said Xu, "but no-one knows where he is." There was frustration in her voice: Irvine realised she was really worried. 

"He left the party with Rinoa," he said, "I expect they've gone to find somewhere to make out."

Quistis arched an eyebrow.

"Well, they are on a date," he said, weakly. _Fuck. Squall's going to kill me for that. _

"What happened to Risha today, at the Fire Cavern?" asked Quistis.

Xu shrugged. "You read Chet's report, Quis. You know as much as I do. She tried to summon a Guardian in the forest near the Cavern, it didn't work and she bolted, leaving Chet to sort out the mess."

"Could that be it? It's pretty scary, when a Guardian won't summon. And she's only young. 14, isn't she, Xu? Youngest ever to take the exam."

Irvine shook his head. "It wasn't that. And anyway, she was fine just before. They wouldn't have let her out of here if she'd been traumatised."

"No." Xu tapped her pencil on the table next to her with uncharacteristic impatience. "Funnily enough, Squall was asking about Chet earlier. Oh come on, Squall," she jumped up and went to the window. "Where the fuck is he?"

* * * * * * *


	9. Command

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Feedback very welcome, on any version, here or by e-mail. Pleease???

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Chapter 9 – Command

Gradually Squall's thoughts returned from their banishment, gently prodding his consciousness back to the real world, where his belt buckle was digging uncomfortably into his belly, and he remembered that only a thin, unlocked door stood between them and a potentially hostile universe.

"Rin… Rin, are you OK?"

"Never better." She mischievously licked one of his nipples, making him squeal in a very un-commander sort of way.

"We'd better get back," he said, "before anyone misses us and jumps to the right conclusions."

"I guess you're right." He felt her move away, standing up and swearing as she bumped into something in the dark. "After all, I don't want people to think I'd put out on a first date."

He reluctantly dragged himself to his feet, zipped his jeans and fixed his belts. 

"OK?"

"Fine. Ready to open the door?"

"Maybe." He hesitated, one hand on the door handle. "Rin…"

"What?"  


"How do we know no-one's outside?"

"Oh. Well, we'd hear them, wouldn't we?"

"We might not."

"Well, just open the door a crack and peek."

"But what if they're coming from the other direction?"

"You're good at this, aren't you?"

"Standard training, really."

"OK. Well, pop a scan spell out under the door, then."

"Did you major in Misuse of Magic 101 by any chance?"

"Here, let me." _~scan~_

"You're a bad girl." He pulled her closer to him. "I may have to spank you."

She giggled. "It's OK. No-one about. Now, come on, let's go."

He opened the door slowly, blinking in the sudden light. No sooner had they emerged than they heard footsteps coming round the corner from the direction of the party. 

Rinoa swiftly shut the door behind them and dropped to one knee. 

"Oh, there you are," said Selphie, observing Rinoa curiously. "Everything alright?"

"Yes," said Rinoa casually, "just my earring had fallen off. All fine now."

"Good. I'm afraid Xu's looking for you, Squall. I think there's some kind of problem."

Squall desperately tried to wrench his mind back from the happy, fluffy place it was trying to hide and make it useful again.

"What's up?" he managed.

"She didn't say, but she looked really worried. She wants you to go to her in the Infirmary. She said your pager was off."

"Oh. Mmm. Probably the battery."

"Right. Er… Squall?"

"What?"

She stood on tiptoe and whispered loudly in his ear, "you might want to do your shirt up properly. I think you got the buttons in the wrong order."

"Oh. Fuck. Thanks," he flustered, frantically re-buttoning. "We were… um…"

"I'm sure you were," said Selphie with a grin, but the amusement faded from her face so fast as to jolt awake that part of Squall's brain that made him a good leader.

"Rinoa, I'm sorry, I'll have to go deal with this. Will you be OK?"

"Of course." She squeezed his hand. "I'll see you back at the party."

"Come on, Rin," Selphie looped her arm through her friend's. "You can tell me all about Commander Leonhart's buttons. I'm looking for something new to put on the web site."

To say blind panic crossed Squall's face would be an understatement.

"My lips are sealed, I'm afraid, Selphie," said Rinoa with a wink in Squall's direction.

Squall made a strangled noise, overwhelmed and feeling completely out of his depth. He suddenly wished Irvine was there to help.

"I'll… um… see you later," he mumbled. He turned to head for the Infirmary at a run, almost grateful to be leaving Selphie's knowing eyes and slipping back into a role as old and comfortable as the gloves he wore in battle.

* * * * * * *

Squall arrived at the Infirmary to find Xu, Quistis and a very pale Irvine waiting for him. 

"Guys," he said, "what's up?"

"It's Risha," said Quistis. "She's collapsed."

"Risha? Chet's student? What's wrong with her? It's not drugs, is it?"

"No, I don't think so," Quistis suddenly realised the thought hadn't even occurred to her_. A strange life we lead_, she thought, _where someone's ill at a party full of teenagers and we all automatically think of magic and monsters rather than drink and drugs._

"She's frightened," said Irvine, "really, really frightened."

"We tried to page you," said Xu. "Nobody answers their fucking pagers any more."

Squall frowned, irritated and a little guilty. "Guys, can we start at the beginning? I'm sorry about the pager, right? I turned it off. I won't do it again. Let me get this straight. Risha collapsed, we don't know why but she's spooked. Is that about it? What does the Doc say?"

"She's not here yet," Xu bit her lip but couldn't help herself: "I think she turned her pager off too."

"She's not just spooked," murmured Irvine. "She's really, really frightened. Ether says she saw something she didn't want to see."

"Are you OK, Irvine? You look fucking awful."

"Cheers man," Irvine gave a weak smile, "that makes me feel so much better. We really ought to talk about getting you on that Communication for Commanders course, you know."

"Shit, I'm sorry, Irvine. I didn't…"

"I'm fine. I just linked with her for a moment, is all. I used Ether to send her to sleep. She was so…" he shuddered, "it was just..."

Squall put a hand on Irvine's shoulder, concern in his eyes, remembering the power of their junction with Ether earlier and… something else flickered through his mind, a memory or a thought, he wasn't sure, but… it was gone. "Take it easy."

Irvine nodded.

"So what do we know?" Squall shook away the ghosts in his mind. 

"Not much," said Quistis. "Just she was fine one minute, on the floor screaming the next. She wants to forget something. Irvine says it's bad, she might not recover. And she said something about the Dia, but we don't know what, or even if it's important."

" Have you called Chet?"

"He's. not. answering. his. pager." hissed Xu. 

"Or his mail, or his phone," added Quistis. "And he's not in his quarters, or the training centre, or the lab." 

"That's not like him," said Squall. "He's so proper. He would at least have left a voicemail saying where he was."

"Well, he didn't," said Xu, "not a word."

Squall thought for a moment, assimilating the notion, disturbing for a whole set of reasons, that Chet might have disappeared. 

"I don't like any of this. Quisty, any ideas?"

Quistis shook her head. 

"OK. What about the Fire Caverns? What happened to Risha's guardian?"

"Oceanus? It's still around the beach somewhere, as far as we know," said Xu. "It's not very communicative, but non-threatening. Just pissed off."

"Does it have any telepathic skills? Could it junction of its own accord?"

"No, no chance. Just water, it does this cool surfy thing… it used to junction with Nida a lot, never gave him any trouble."

"OK. So first thing tomorrow I'll go down and see if we can talk to it. Xu, can you tell Nida to meet me at by the front gates at 6am? And Irvine? We might need Ether."

Irvine cringed inwardly at the thought of 6am, but nodded.

"You could let me junction him myself if you like. You might need the sleep?"

__

What, and let him tell you all my secrets? "No man, I'll be fine. I think I need a drink, though. Are we done here?" He felt suddenly anxious to leave the smell of disinfectant and the sterile walls, and go somewhere he could shake off the fear and worry he'd inherited from Risha.

"I think so. Quisty? Xu?"

Quistis got up, pulling her dress down towards her knees somewhat self-consciously. "Yeah, let's go."

"Squall…" Xu looked at him, and for the first time he recognised something a bit like panic in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I should have taken this whole thing with Chet more seriously."

"You weren't to know. He's always been so… dependable. Stuffy, maybe, but dependable."

"I thought so too, but… oh, it doesn't matter." She massaged her temples with her fingertips. "Look, I've got an awful migraine. I'm going to go to bed. Could you tell Selphie I'll see her in the morning?"

Squall missed the startled look on Quistis' face. "Oh, the mission briefing," he said. "Of course. And Rinoa."

"Yeah. That's right. Rinoa too. And Quistis, you get my message?"

Quistis nodded. "A mission?" she said. Almost hopefully.

"Yes. 9am, right?"

"Right," said Quistis, pleased. "9am. I'll be there. Look, take care, Xu. Don't worry, we'll sort it. We always do."

Xu smiled gratefully. "Go on, get back to the party," she shooed at the others, "I'll be fine."

But after they'd gone she went and sat at Risha's side, holding one tiny, pale hand in her own, and couldn't stop the tears falling down her cheeks.

* * * * * * *

Squall noticed Rinoa as soon as they got back to the party: she was dancing with Selphie in a way that reminded him sharply of how she'd felt in his arms in the cramped confines of the cupboard…

"OK, Squall, drink?" Irvine interrupted his thoughts. 

"What? Oh, yeah. Just a beer. Please."

Rinoa and Selphie joined them, just as Squall was trying to get his body back under control. 

"So," said Selphie, hoisting herself up onto a bar stool, "what's up?"

"The usual," said Irvine, recovering his strength a little as he drained his Estharian brandy in one go, "something out there playing with peoples' minds and posing a threat to all human kind." He signalled the bartender to refill his glass. "Probably," he added.

"That's about it," agreed Squall. "Nothing we can't handle."

"That's what I like to hear." Selphie was actually grinning. "We'll just blow 'em away as always. BOOM!"

Quistis shook her head sadly. "None of you know the meaning of the word danger, do you?" 

"Not really," confessed Selphie. "By the way, where's Xu?"

"She had a headache," said Squall. "She said she'd see you in the morning. 9am. Mission briefing?"

"Oh. Mission?"

"Yeah. That goes for you too, Rin, and Quisty."

"Oh, my first proper SeeD mission!" Rinoa squealed, failing completely to hide her excitement. "And with you guys! Oh, I can hardly wait!"

Squall smiled to himself, remembering a younger, more timid Rinoa, always hiding behind him, needing rescuing. He felt a surge of pride at just how far she'd come. "Just don't fuck up," he said, wanting to ruffle her hair affectionately, but not having the courage. "It's really important."

"Of course we won't fuck up. Will we Selph?"

"Boom," said Selphie, a gleam in her eyes. "Come 'n Irvy, dance with me."

"OK. Probably a good idea," Irvine looked at his empty glass with regret, "I shouldn't get shitfaced if I've got to be up at the crack of dawn anyway."

"Oh, poor Irvy. Why? Is our nasty Commander ordering you off somewhere too?"

Squall frowned. He was beginning to think people were taking advantage of his rare good humour.

"We do have a serious threat to deal with," he said sternly. 

Selphie gulped. "Of course. Sorry. Come on Irvy." She dragged him off to the dance floor.

"Um… I think I might go and talk to some of Risha's friends," said Quistis. "Just see if they can shed any more light on anything. And fill Zell in on what's happened." She nodded at Squall and Rinoa, and left. 

Rinoa put a hand on Squall's arm. "Are you OK?" 

He sighed. "It's taking a lot of adjusting to," he said. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this."

"You've been Commander for over two years now," she reassured him. "And a good one. You know that."

"Yes." He looked in her eyes, knowing he was lost already. "I meant us. I'm not sure I'm ready for us. For being … yours." _For being happy. For letting go of the fear._

"Oh. Well. We can take it slow." She smiled at him. "It feels weird to me, too. Very… sudden."

He nodded. "OK." He rummaged in his pocket for something. "Look, I was going to give you this later, but I guess I ought to get to bed soon… um... on my own. I have to be Commander tomorrow and," _fuck, I can't believe I'm saying this_ " I won't get any sleep otherwise. Anyway," he offered her a small gift box, "this is yours."

* * * * * * *

Irvine saw Rinoa's delight as she opened the box and took out the chain with Squall's ring on it, watched Squall's trembling fingers as he fastened it securely around her neck. He could see the sparkle of magic in the chain where he and Squall had mended it, using Ether's power to infuse the new links with protection and aura spells. 

He looked away as they embraced, turning back to Selphie, a smile on his lips.

* * * * * * *

Within an hour or so the party was almost over. Squall had long since gone to bed, but Irvine wasn't ready to close his eyes just yet. Risha's fear was fading from his memory, but he could still feel it, just at the back of his mind, and he knew it would come back when he was alone.

So he sat with Selphie and Rinoa and drank beer, putting off the inevitable. Rinoa virtuously stuck to orange juice in preparation for her first mission, but Irvine noticed that Selphie seemed to have no such concerns, almost matching him bottle for bottle.

Rinoa yawned. "It's been a long day," she said. "I don't think I can take much more excitement."

"Good thing Squall's already gone to bed, then," said Irvine, aware that drinking had loosened his tongue but not really caring. He knew Rinoa was too happy to really mind, however much he teased her.

She span a beer mat at him, but he caught it deftly, sniper reflexes strong despite the alcohol. 

"So, Rinoa," Selphie leaned on one elbow, looking sideways at her friend, "how was he, then?"

"Selphie! You can't ask me that!"

"I can. I just did. I'm pissed, I can do what I like. Have you told Irvy about the Commander's buttons?"

Irvine raised an eyebrow.

"Selphie! No. Of course not. And I didn't tell you, either."

"'S right! You didn't! Come on. Tell us." Selphie sidled conspiratorially up to Irvine to whisper loudly in his ear. "He had his buttons done up all wrong."

"It was dark," protested Rinoa. "It wasn't his fault." She looked at Selphie and Irvine's triumphant grins. "And that's all I'm telling you. Ever." 

"So?" said Selphie, "marks out of ten? I've always wondered. All that brooding and the gunblade and all." She ignored Irvine as he elbowed her in the ribs. "Go on, you can tell us. We're your friends."

"At least twenty," said Rinoa. "Now come on, Selph, we ought to be in bed. We've got to get up in the morning."

"Twenty!" squealed Selphie. "I've never had a twenty," she added sadly, "at least, not a man twenty…"

"Rin's right, 'Elf," Irvine interrupted. "You ought to go get some rest. And try to drink some water. Xu won't appreciate you turning up with a hangover in the morning."

"Okay." Selphie stood, a little unsteadily. "Come on graduate-girly. I'm going to get you into bed."

Irvine pushed a rather obvious image from his mind.

"Goodnight Irvine," said Rinoa. "Thanks for everything."

Irvine grinned. "Glad it worked out for you. Now, take care tomorrow, girls. Don't give Quistis any trouble."

"Where is Quistis?" Rinoa looked round, "I didn't see her leave."

"She's over there," Irvine nodded towards the dancefloor, "with Mr Firearms."

"Fuck me," said Selphie. "She really is."

"Uh-oh," added Rinoa. "That's one development too much for today. Come on Selph. Irvine, you ought to be getting some sleep too."

Irvine shrugged. "In a while. I might need to make sure Quistis doesn't get into trouble. Or, if she does, that we can all know about it in the morning."

Rinoa grinned, and offered Selphie her arm. "Lean on me, girlfriend," she said. "Let's see if we can get you back to your room without you falling over." 

Irvine watched the two of them leave, Selphie giggling loudly and peeking over her shoulder and waving at Quistis until Rinoa pushed her out of the door. Quistis didn't seem to notice, all her attention focused on her new friend.

__

Good for Quisty thought Irvine, _about time she found the fun. _

He considered going to find Zell: maybe a bit of juicy Quistis-related gossip might be a way to break the ice between him; but he thought better of it. He had been drinking, after all, and Rinoa was right, it had been a long day. As much as he wanted to sort things out with Zell now wasn't a good time. 

He surveyed the wreckage of empty bottles and glasses the table in front of him, and suddenly felt very alone. Everyone else seemed to have ended the day better off than they started, while he felt far more unsettled than he had in a long time, and not just because of Risha. 

__

Oh well, nothing for it. Have to go to bed and face the demons.

Irvine finished his beer and was about to leave when he looked down at the mat he'd been holding ever since Rinoa threw it at him. It had a number on it.

A phone number.

For a moment Irvine tried to figure out why Rinoa would be giving him her phone number, before he spotted the writing underneath.

__

Call me if you've finished saving the world before 1am.

Frila

Frila. The gunblade specialist. Hotshot.

A smile spread slowly across Irvine's face, and he reached for his phone.

* * * * * * *

"Frila? I just got your beer mat."

"Irvine? Hi! Is the world safe, then?"

"For now. Just wanted to say sorry I didn't get you that drink. Things happened. Where are you?"

"That's okay. I'm in the quad."

"Well, look, if I can manage to get served at the bar without having to prevent an apocalypse, is it too late to bring you a beer?"

"Okay. If you're not here in ten minutes I'll just assume the worst and go to bed, right?"

"That's fair." 

Thankfully this time he managed to negotiate the bar without incident, and made his way outside. 

There were only a few people around, and he saw her straight away, standing not far from where he'd found Risha earlier. He shuddered at the memory, the fear still too fresh in his mind. Frila was standing on her own, looking up at the stars, holding a black leather jacket around her shoulders to keep out the chill.

"Frila."

"Capt.. Irvine. Hi." He'd almost forgotten how pretty she was. 

"Sorry again. Here," he held out a beer, "better late than never." She accepted the bottle with a smile. "So, have you had a good graduation?"

"Yeah. All things considered," she said. "Thanks for… well, for talking to me. Again."

"Well, I didn't find out everything I wanted to about you," said Irvine. "Like, f'r instance, how you came to be a SeeD." 

"My father always wanted me to," she said. "From when I was tiny. His oldest brother died in the sorceress wars. I think it's kind of a revenge sort of thing, really. But it seemed a good idea."

"What about your mother?"

"I don't have a mother," she looked away, the first time he'd seen her look any less than cheerful. "She left us when I was born."

"I'm sorry."

Frila shrugged. "Don't be. At least I have a father. And he's very good to me."

"He must be proud."

"I wouldn't go that far. But he's okay. What about you? Family?"

"Um, no. No parents. Orphan."

"Oh, of course. I knew that. Shit, I'm sorry. I wish my brain was better connected to my mouth. I always say such stupid things."

"That's okay. And I'm sure you don't." He smiled at her. "I got over it a while back, really. I don't remember my parents at all. Just the orphanage. And then Galbadia. They always said I looked like a Galbadian, so it seemed the right place to go, somehow."

"So that's how you became a SeeD?"

"In a roundabout kind of way. Hey, you're shivering. Do you want to go inside?"

"Not just yet. Unless you're cold?"

He shook his head. She slipped her arms into her jacket; he noticed she was wearing slightly battered jeans and a faded green T shirt, obviously not into the girly party look. She wrapped her lips around the neck of her beer bottle and took a swig.

"So where you from, hotshot?" he asked. 

"Oh, Balamb, born and bred. My father works in the junk shop."

"Was it his idea for you to take up the gunblade then? Or did you pick one up in his workshop at the age of three and decide it was your destiny?"

She laughed. "I always thought they were cool," she said. "At first it was at least partly because people said it was so hard to learn. I'm a real sucker for a challenge. And later on, when I came here, you know, Squall Leonhart and all. Black leather, saving the world. Always had a certain appeal."

"Oh yeah. So they tell me."

"But it's not like that, really. It's just hard work and rules, isn't it?"

"In a way. That's what it takes, hotshot. I know it's a pain in the butt but believe me, when you're in a fight and it's you or them, it's better to know what you're doing."

"I suppose," she admitted reluctantly.

"And you're perfectly free to wear black leather at almost any time."

She tilted her head to one side, looked at him. "Are you making fun of me?"

"Maybe. Just a little. Do you mind? I know you gunblade specialists can get awful tetchy."

She smiled. "No, I don't mind."

"Good."

Irvine was aware that the sound of music from the ballroom had stopped, and they were alone now, in the quad. He ought to go to bed.

"It's been good talking to you, hotshot. We must do it again sometime."

"Me too," she said.

"Fine. Well, g'night."

"You've got my number. If you want … y'know, to ring me."

"I might just do that."

"Well. Whatever."

He gave her his best smile as he left, resisting the urge to brush back a stray curl of hair from her eyes. 

"See you round, hotshot."

* * * * * * *


	10. Comfort and the Ocean

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Edited for a little YAOI content: if you're legal and you like slash see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version, this chapter of which, by the way, is dedicated to gwendolyn-flight   
_to say thank you for a particularly hoppy triangular little bunny which starts there…  
_

************************************************************

****

Chapter 10 – Comfort and the Ocean

Irvine went to the training centre for a while, but even the grats seemed to be asleep, so with some reluctance he dragged himself back to his room. He closed his brand new door behind him, and checked the clock by the bed: 2.30am. _Great. Three hours sleep. Or three hours lying there trying to get to sleep._

He checked his rifle was still in its case under the bed, an old habit from spending so long on the road and in danger, and then went to the sink and brushed his teeth. He kicked his boots under his desk and pulled his T-shirt off, and was just wondering whether there was any point in actually getting properly undressed and into bed when there was a knock on the door.

His first thought was that something must have happened to Risha. So he was relieved, if more than a little surprised when he opened the door and saw Frila standing there.

"Hi," he said, suddenly very aware that he was shirtless.

"Hi. I'm sorry… I don't think I can sleep. I wondered if…"

"You want a coffee? I was going to make one," he lied. _Fuck, this is a mistake. I know it is. You never learn, do you Kinneas?_

"Yes, please. If you're sure it's OK." 

"Of course. Come in. Sit down," he gestured vaguely towards the bed. 

"Thanks." She tossed her jacket into a corner and obediently sat down, and for a second his mind flashed back to this afternoon, when Squall had sat there and tried not to hit him. Before they…

He busied himself with mugs and kettle.

"You can't sleep either, huh?" She pulled off her trainers and sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed.

"No, not tonight. Head too busy." He sat beside her, leaned back on his elbows.

"Irvine… you know you have kind of a reputation."

"Yeah. I know. I make fucking awful coffee. You don't have to drink it, I promise I won't be offended."

She smiled, regarded him steadily. "I'm not talking about the coffee."

"No." He sat up and returned her look, the full force of his violet eyes on her. "I know." He watched with satisfaction as she caught her breath, her lips parted, and the tiny tip of her pink tongue flashed out to moisten them. _I shouldn't do this. She's only just graduated. I really shouldn't do this._

"I want to know if it's true."

"What, exactly?" _But I want her to hold. I want her in my arms. I'm so fucking lonely, and she's so … here…_

"That you've seduced lots of women."

"Does it matter?" _She doesn't even know me. I don't want to hurt her. _

"Maybe."

"Well, it happens, you know." He moved closer, almost imperceptibly, still holding her gaze. "Galbadia was a lot more… permissive than Balamb. But I'm mostly a good boy these days. Responsibilities and all that." _But I don't want to be alone. Not tonight._

"Oh." She seemed almost disappointed. 

Irvine reached out one hand and stroked her bare arm. "You have a scar there," he said, without looking. "Gunblade accident?"

"Yes. I have a lot of those. I'm really not very good." She lowered her eyes to watch his fingers whispering across her skin. "That feels nice," she murmured.

"Frila." He cupped her chin, turned her face back towards his. "Are you sure you want this?"

She looked at him with wide, almost innocent eyes, and nodded, slowly. "Yes," she said, so quietly he could only just be sure she'd spoken. He brushed her lips with his. "Please," she added, and any resolve he might have had left melted away. He covered her mouth with his and kissed her with all the warmth and gentleness he craved himself, moaning softly as she responded to him, twisting round to face him, winding her arms around his neck, sliding her tongue between his lips.

He pulled back a little, stroked her cheek with his thumb. He wanted to make this last.

"Let your hair down," he whispered. 

She reached behind her head and pulled out a ribbon, running expert fingers through to release her braid in a cascade of fire-red waves.

He held his breath for a moment; the fall of hair round her face completely changed the way she looked: she'd been pretty before, but with her hair loose, looking at him with those magical green eyes, she started a hunger in his belly he'd not felt for a long, long time. She reached one fragile, tentative hand behind his head; he felt the caress of his own auburn hair spilling down his naked back, over his shoulders.

"I've always wanted to do that," she murmured, tracing one finger over his shoulder and across his chest, circling one tiny nipple. "It feels good, doesn't it? Long hair down your back…" 

He nodded, watching her.

She sat back on her heels and pulled her shirt off, shaking her head like a lion, mane settling around her shoulders. One strand fell between her breasts, quivering in white lace bra; unable to resist, Irvine drew her to him and traced the line of that lock of hair with his tongue, deftly released the catch of her bra with one hand to reveal creamy, firm flesh, took one nipple into his mouth, already hard, felt the pounding of her heart under his touch.

He lay her back on the bed and traced kisses down from her neck to her belly, undid the top button of her jeans with his teeth, then returned his attention to her mouth, kissing her deeply, chasing her flickering tongue with his own, luxuriating in the heat of her strong, lean body pressing against his.

He felt her hand fluttering over his jeans, realised she had managed to undo them without him even noticing, _all that gunblade training, fingers light as magic _and she was slowly sliding her hand inside. He sucked his breath in sharply; her touch was tentative but so, so good… she trailed her fingertips over his hardness, reaching further inside to take him in her grip. 

He moaned, summoning all his effort to keep control of himself, to stop himself from simply ripping the rest of her clothes off and fucking her within an inch of her life.

Instead he gently pulled her hand away, stilling her protest with a kiss, and moved down the bed to help her wriggle out of her jeans and underwear. Her eyes fluttered closed as he stroked from her knee up her inner thigh, his tongue teasing one nipple. He watched her face as he dipped in her wetness, swirling her moisture expertly around her clitoris, watched as her tongue licked her lips, her breathing ragged, hands bunching into fists. He slowly pushed a finger inside her, and she arched her back, moaned. He closed his own eyes, nibbled his lower lip at the feeling of her, so hot and wet, so tight… so tight…

__

So tight.

He opened his eyes, slowly took his hand away, resting it on her quivering belly.

"Frila."

Her eyes reluctantly shuttered open, she looked at him.

"Frila, you haven't done this before, have you?" 

He held her gaze through a long pause, knowing what she would say.

"No."

He breathed out slowly, relaxing his body as best he could, tried to clear his mind.

"It doesn't matter," she said. "Please, Irvine."

He reached out and stroked her hair.

"Of course it matters, hotshot," he said gently.

__

~Sniper~

Ether. He'd forgotten he still had Ether junctioned.

__

~I can't, Ether. Not like this.~

~She hungers, Sniper. She wants.~

~Yes, but… fuck, don't you Guardians have any morals?~

~She wants. We want. Take.~

Irvine looked at her, she was waiting, just waiting, running her fingertips up and down his arm…

"I want this," she said. "Please."

"We don't have to… there's other stuff we could do."

She shook her head.

"I want you. Please."

__

~Take~

He groaned and pulled her to him, rolling her on top of him, kissing her fiercely. He kicked his jeans off and she sat astride him, gripping his waist with firm thighs.

"Now it's up to you," he hissed through clenched teeth, not trusting himself anymore. "If you want it, you take it. Just…"

She silenced him with a kiss and then, looking into his eyes all the while, she reached between them and guided him inside her, impaled herself on him, biting her lip at the pain. They were still for what felt like a long time, but Irvine refused to move first, stroking her hair, his throat too tight to speak. At last she started to move, rocking gently first, then sliding up and down, carefully, finding a rhythm. He reached down and stroked her as she fucked him, his fingers drenched in her wetness, and eventually he couldn't resist and allowed his hips to move, grinding against her, thrusting into her with long hard strokes as she plunged down to meet him.

She threw her head back and screamed as she came, clenching and pulsing around his cock so hard he had no choice but to surrender, spurting inside her with one last thrust, holding her hips tightly, wanting to be as deep inside her as he possibly could.

She fell, trembling slightly, on top of him.

"Frila," he whispered, "Frila, are you OK?"

He felt her nod her head, her face buried in his neck, their hair tangled together.

"Frila, I'm sorry. I couldn't..."

"Shhh." She raised a finger to his lips. "So nice. Shhh."

Helpless, he wrapped his arms around her and surrendered to the comfort of her body.

* * * * * * *

Irvine buried his head under his pillow, wanting the banging noise to stop. It didn't.

He turned over, throwing the pillow to the floor behind him, and saw a pool of dark copper, one pale arm out of the covers.

"Wsbangingshurrupgoway," came a muffled voice from under the quilt.

His senses gradually returning, he realised the banging was coming from the door. The door. His door. Someone was knocking on his door.

He slid out of bed, pulling on jeans, then realising they were too small… not his… found his own at last and staggered to the door.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming…"

He opened the door and blinked at Nida, who stared back at him.

"Nida?"

"Um… Irvine. Squall sent me."

"Nida? What… why… oh shit. Oh Hyne. Oh fuckfuckfuckfuck, what time is it?"

"It's a quarter to seven."

"Fuck. Oh fuck. I'll be right there. Come in." He suddenly remembered the pale arm and the copper-coloured hair. "Er, no. Sorry. Just wait there. I'll be with you in a moment."

And he shut the door in Nida's surprised face.

"Frila… Frila, honey…" he whispered.

She burrowed further under the covers. "T'early. Goway."

"Okay," Irvine rummaged through his clean laundry for a shirt, "you stay there. I'll see you later." He scribbled on a piece of paper, trying to get his feet into socks and boots one-handed at the same time, "here's my number. Call me."

He pulled his coat on and dragged his rifle out from under the bed. 

__

Okay. Just junction Ether…

~I am here, Sniper~

~Argh!! Fuck, don't sneak up like that! Um… Alright. I didn't unjunction you last night, did I?~

~You slept. I watched. You are safe.~

He didn't like the sound of the watching part, but he tried to keep that thought to himself.

"Right. Coat, gun, Guardian… that'll do."

He put the piece of paper in Frila's hand; her fingers curled naturally around it in a very endearing way. He kissed the top of her head gently, then dragged himself away.

"OK, Nida," he opened the door. "I'm ready."

"Uh… Irvine… your hair? It's kind of… loose."

"Oh. Fuck. Hang on." He closed the door again and searched for something to tie his hair up with. Finally settling on an old bootlace, he tied his hair back and plonked his hat on his head for good measure. He opened his door again. Nida was leaning against the wall, looking quite cool, for Nida.

"Right, let's go. Is Squall really mad?"

"Moderately. Well, more worried, really. Are you OK?"

Irvine thought for a minute. "Yeah. Well, mostly. A bit hungover, completely knackered… not bad, really, for 7am after graduation night. You?"

"Fine, thank you. I left the party early: not really one for drinking, well, you know after the cider that time."

"Yes, well." Irvine shuddered slightly: Nida's first and (hopefully) last encounter with alcohol had ended messily in Irvine's bathroom after the victory party when they got back from Ultimecia, not a good memory at the best of times. 

"So who is she?" Nida said.

"Who's who?"

"Well, you did have a girl in your room? I'm not stupid, you know."

"Oh, just a girl. She came round for coffee and … stuff. Um… there's no need to mention that part to Squall, right? He might get all stern and grumpy and I'm not sure I can take that this morning."

"Of course."

"Thanks. I don't suppose you'd know her, anyway. She's a gunblade specialist. New graduate."

Nida frowned. "I didn't think there were any this year. Squall said this morning, as it happens, while we were waiting for you, it's the only year since Seifer failed for the first time, no gunblades."

"Oh." Irvine tried to think that one through, but his brain was just too foggy.

Squall was sitting on the wall outside the main entrance to Garden, long legs almost reaching the ground, kicking his heels against the brick, Lionheart glinting in the sunshine. 

"Squall… I'm sorry man. I overslept. Guess I was more tired than I thought."

Squall looked at him. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Just a late night, you know. Couldn't sleep. I must've forgotten to set the alarm. I'm sorry." He glared at Nida, who was sniggering.

"So long as you're alright. Ready to go?"

Irvine nodded. "Did you sleep well?" he said, conversationally.

Squall shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." Then a grin spread across his face.

"I had the most amazing dream," he said. 

Irvine regarded him inquisitively. "Really?" He could get used to this relatively chatty version of Squall, given time to readjust. "Anyone I know?"

But Squall's grin had faded, and he looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"It was just a dream," he said. "Let's go get this Guardian."

* * * * * * *

Quistis woke up suddenly, squinted at her watch. 7am. May as well get up and … escape. She slithered out of bed as quietly as she could, although judging by the snoring there was no way he would wake up, even if a herd of behemoths stomped through the room. She sighed. _Damn. What was I thinking?_

She dressed quickly; plenty of time to get back to her room and have a shower. A long, hot shower. 

She looked around the room: she'd never seen so many guns in one place. It was creepy, really, like sleeping in an armoury. She remembered coming back here last night, Pandemonia's power rushing through her, too much energy and nothing to do with it. She remembered listening patiently to a long lecture on barrel sizes and trigger mechanisms, until she was so bored she actually came on to him. Not her usual style at all. 

Mind you, the sex had been OK. In a competent, sensible kind of way. She pulled the too-short skirt over her hips. Quite passable, really.

She slipped out of the room, closing the door silently behind her.

She started to feel better straight away, putting last night behind her and looking forward to the briefing. A mission would be so good, get her away from that wretched desk and hopefully out of Garden too.

With a spring in her step she hadn't felt for a long time, she headed to her room to get ready.

* * * * * * *

The beach was deserted apart from a few seabirds wandering across the surf, dipping their beaks in rock crevices to tease out a wriggly breakfast. Nida stopped close to the cliff face, near a small cave, and concentrated.

"It's there," he said, "but it won't junction. It's trying to hide from something."

Squall frowned. "Any clue as to what?"

Nida shook his head. "Nope. It was never one for telling you much. But it does this cool surfy thing…"

Squall turned to Irvine. "Ether?"

Irvine nodded. _~Ether~_"

__

~Sniper.~ 

~_Can you sense Oceanus? We need to know what's wrong.~_

~If I were to go into another Great One's mind while we are joined it would kill you.~

The matter-of-fact way Ether put that to Irvine chilled him to the bone.

__

~ OK. I'll take that as a no. What about if I junctioned it as well as you?~

~ You must junction only me. We agreed. I give you power. You don't need any other.~

~ What about if we weren't junctioned? Could you contact Oceanus and report back? ~

~ I will try. ~

Irvine felt something like relief as he released Ether from junction, despite the immediate draining of strength that left him slumping weakly to the sand, head suddenly pounding and exhaustion threatening to overwhelm him. He realised Squall was calling his name.

"Irvine, are you okay?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm OK. Ether just went to go see. I'd not realised how … shit I felt."

__

~Curaga~ 

Irvine sighed as the magic washed over him. "Thanks."

"You know I wouldn't normally condone the use of magic for a hangover," said Squall, in his best Commander voice, "obviously. But I can't blame you. It must have been rough, with Risha."

"Yes. It was." It seemed a lifetime ago that he'd sat with her in the Infirmary, feeling that awful, gut-wrenching fear. "How is she?"

"She's still sleeping, the Doc said."

"Good."

"How long will it take for Ether to talk to Oceanus?"

"I'm not sure. Time seems to work different for Ether, somehow. Could be seconds, could be hours."

Nida sat down next to Irvine on the sand. "Oh well," he said, "it's a nice morning for it, anyway."

Squall blinked up at the early morning sun. "Just let us know when anything happens, Irvine."

Irvine nodded, and pulled his hat over his eyes. The day was getting warmer now, he could almost drift off to sleep…

"Are you sure we didn't have any gunblade specialists graduate yesterday, Squall?" said Nida.

__

Oh fuck. Shut the fuck up, Nida, please shut up.

"No," said Squall. "None. Why?"

"Irvine reckons he met one."

__

Oh great. Thanks a lot Nida.

"There's none this year, the only one we had was killed in the battle with Galbadia Garden. Who was it you met, Irvine?"

"Oh, I don't really remember. It's not important. I guess I was more pissed than I thought. Which reminds me," _smoothly does it, Kinneas, _"Selphie was rat-arsed as well."

"That's not very responsible of her, mission today and all," said Squall sternly. Irvine felt a moment of guilt at getting Selphie into trouble."Rinoa wasn't.."

"No, she was a very good girl. Drank orange juice and toddled off to bed nice and early. Oh, and I remember, Quistis was with a firearm."

"What?"

"She was dancing. With a man."

Squall didn't say anything, but Irvine peeked out from under his hat and registered the surprise on his friend's face. _Good diversion, Kinneas. Nicely done._

"Squall," said Nida, "is the tide coming in?"

Squall looked disapprovingly at the sea.

"It shouldn't be," he said, "it should still be going out."

"In that case I think we have a problem."

"Why?"

"You see those waves? The real big ones that are coming out of nowhere very fast?"

"Unhg… yes? The ones getting really close?"

"That's one of the things Oceanus does when it's a bit… upset."

"The cool surfy thing?" asked Irvine, curiously, standing up and flattening himself against the cliff.

"Oh no, that's way cooler. No this is just…uh-oh!"

"Brace yourself," said Squall, "we're going to get…"

The waves crashed over them, slapped them with cold seawater, and receded as fast as they had arrived. Squall gasped, hair dripping in his eyes.

Irvine calmly emptied water and a small amount of seaweed out of one boot. "That was bracing," he said, wondering when the feeling in his legs might come back.

"Why do I always end up fucking soaked," Squall mumbled crossly. "This is getting to be a habit I could fucking do without."

Nida emerged from the cave, perfectly dry. "Sorry," he said. "Wasn't time to explain. There's a place in the cave where…" Squall's icy glare silenced him.

Irvine felt the dim awareness that was Ether flooding back into his mind. He junctioned his Guardian with a faint regret; he'd enjoyed a moment's privacy with his own thoughts.

__

~Sniper.~ Ether purred_._

~OK. What happened?~

~Oceanus is free.~

~What, as in unsubdued?~

~Oceanus is free.~

~I'll take that as a yes. So we have to fight?~

~Oceanus requires a demonstration of your commitment.~

~OK. Thanks, Ether.~

"It's gone wild," he said to the others. "We'll have to subdue it."

"But Oceanus has been subdued for years," said Nida. "It was even junctioned to Cid for a while."

"Well, whatever happened yesterday has made it think twice. Squall?"

"Then we fight. In the cave?"

"Looks that way."

"Okay. Nida, Irvine and I'll do the damage. You just hold your own and be ready to junction, OK?"

"Yes, Commander." 

"Ready, Irvine?"

"Yes, Commander."

Squall shot him a look, which Irvine pretended not to see. 

* * * * * * *

The cave was damp and dark, and the floor was covered in something that crunched unpleasantly when they stepped on it. 

"Why do they always like to live in hell-holes?" muttered Irvine under his breath.

"Actually it's quite pretty further in," said Nida. "You'll see."

"Where's that coming from?" said Squall, gesturing negligently with his gunblade towards a shaft of light in the far corner of the cave.

"There's a shaft to the cliff top," said Nida. "It's really narrow but there's some kind of crystalline structure that reflects the light. Look." He led the way to a small entrance which opened out into a second cavern, larger than the first and filled with coloured light. Squall stepped inside, Nida and Irvine close behind him.

"Wow," he said. "It's beautiful." 

Irvine nodded in agreement. The whole cavern was covered in multicoloured crystals, light so bright it hurt his eyes after the dark of the cave entrance. He thought he could hear a faint sound, almost like music, at the edge of his hearing.

"Oceanus will be in the pool," Nida said. "Over there."

Irvine and Squall turned to see a pool of water directly underneath the shaft of light, glistening with a million colours. They approached cautiously.

Irvine could definitely hear music now. It was clear and bright, cleansing, clearing his senses. For a moment he thought he'd found the perfect hangover cure.

Then the memories hit him, like an axe blow to the head. He closed his eyes, trying not to scream.

"Irvine, what the fuck..." His eyes flew open: Squall was looking at him, a mixture of anger and desperation on his face. "Irvine, how could you?"

Irvine couldn't answer. He scrabbled for Ether in his mind, but the Guardian wasn't responding.

"Irvine, I trusted you. What did you do to me?"

Irvine shook his head helplessly, trying to sort that one memory from all the others that were crashing into his skull. _Selphie. Oh Gods, Selphie… _ He wrenched his mind back to Squall, grappling to make past and present fit together, "It wasn't… you wanted… fuck, Squall, I…"

"Well, I suppose that explains why I woke up without any clothes on. I did wonder." Squall's voice was hard as diamonds.

"I don't… " he crashed to his knees. _ohfucknoithurtsithurtsithurts_

"Look at me." 

Irvine raised his eyes to meet Squall's, and the look on his friend's face hurt him more, much more, than the pain in his head. Squall spoke slowly, through gritted teeth, Lionheart glinting dangerously in the multicoloured light.

"You raped me." 

"No! No, it wasn't like that. It wasn't, I would never… Fuck, Squall, you're my best friend, I love you, it was Ether… Squall, you wanted it. If you remember, if you really remember, you'll know. You wanted it!"

And then there was just ocean crashing around his ears, filling his mouth and lungs, intensifying the pain in his head to something white and sharp and blinding. 

He slipped gratefully into unconsciousness.

* * * * * * *

"Irvine!" Squall yelled desperately, but could only watch as his friend slumped lifelessly to the ground. Squall turned to the pool to see a fountain of water rising, taking shape. Automatically he deepened his breathing, Lionheart ready for confrontation, resisting the desire to rush to Irvine and check him frantically for a pulse. "Nida," he said, "help Irvine, now." No answer. He risked a look over his shoulder; Nida was nowhere to be seen. "Fire," he said like a curse, running magic through Lionheart until it turned to flame.

Oceanus rose to it's full height; it's shape kept changing as tides rippled along its surface, but like most Guardians it was roughly humanoid, with fins along its back and a sharkish grin on what passed for its face.

"Oceanus," said Squall, "you don't have to do this. You know we respect you."

__

"No choice."

"I want to help. I want to know what happened here yesterday."

The Guardian hurled icy sea water at him in reply, with a force that nearly swept Squall off his feet.

__

OK, I guess we're going to do this the hard way then, thought Squall, regaining his balance and charging, letting go of all thought, driven for now just by the demands of battle. But the Guardian seemed unaffected by his attack, merely reforming around whatever wound he inflicted.

__

~Ifrit, help, please.~ He called upon his most dependable Guardian, the one who always came for him, the first one he'd ever subdued himself, not least out of a need for an old friend to fight alongside him.

~Ifrit cannot.~

~What?!~

There was no reply.

He changed the balance of magic in his blade and charged again. But no sooner had he brought Lionheart around in its deadly arc than Oceanus dissolved back into the pond. 

Squall roared with frustration, threw himself on his knees at the water's edge. His ears were still full of music, his eyes hurt from the light of the crystals, and his mind was full of memories he didn't know how to deal with. He looked over his shoulder at Irvine, still lying motionless, and realised he could see Nida slumped in the entrance way. 

His reflection glared up at him from the now tranquil pool. 

"Oceanus?"

Nothing. Not so much as a ripple on the surface.

He ran to Irvine, felt for any evidence of a heartbeat. There was something there, but very weak; and he was the colour of October fog. He looked across to Nida, who was moving, at least, seemed to be coming round.

"Irvine. Irvine come on." He was breathing, just. Squall pulled a small metal bottle out of his inside jacket pocket. "Irvine, listen to me. Don't die. Just… don't die." He frantically unscrewed the bottle, "I don't know what happened, Irvine, but I need you." He supported Irvine's head in the crook of his sword arm, still gripping Lionheart in his fist, and placed the bottle between Irvine's lips. He poured the elixir into his mouth, held his head up and stroked his throat to encourage him to swallow. "Come on, Kinneas. Come on, you bastard, wake up."

Irvine coughed, once, and his eyes flickered open. He tried to say something, but no words came out.

"It's OK. Just take it easy." Squall stroked the hair back from Irvine's face, cradling him in strong arms. "You're going to be OK."

Irvine's eyes closed again, but he was breathing properly now, and he was turning a healthier colour.

Too late, Squall heard the rush of water rising from the pool behind him.

He pulled Irvine up and ran for the entrance. Nida had recovered enough to help them through, but the wave caught up with them just the same; drenching all three of them in glacier-cold stinging water.

And then Squall was lying flat on his back on the beach. He opened his eyes on a warm sun in blue sky that seemed to go on forever.

He was dimly aware of Nida next to him, pulling himself to his feet.

Squall took a deep breath.

"Nida."

"Squall?

"What just happened?"

"I don't know. I think I got knocked out… and then we were running… and now here we are."

Squall sat up slowly. Irvine was a few feet away, throwing up seawater.

Nida looked over his shoulder at the cave.

"We didn't get Oceanus, did we?" he said.

"I'd say, on the whole, not," said Squall. "Unless Irvine swallowed him. You OK, man?"

Irvine groaned. "What happened?"

"We don't know," said Nida.

"At least it's not just me this time," said Squall. "Last I remember was going into the cave. You guys?"

"Yes," said Nida.

Irvine nodded.

"Should we go back in?" said Nida.

"No," said Squall. "I don't like the idea of going back when we don't even remember what happened. I need some time to sort out what might be going on here."

Irvine sat back on his heels, and picked up his hat, which by some miracle had landed next to him. He pulled out a small fish, flapping gently between his fingers, and started to laugh, weakly. "Please tell me I'm going to wake up in a minute back in bed and this will all have been a bizarre dream," he muttered.

Squall pulled himself to his feet. "Come on, man," he stretched a hand out to help Irvine up. "Let's get back. You don't look good."

"OK," said Irvine, taking Squall's hand and scrambling up. "Just give me a minute."

__

~Curaga~

"Thanks Squall. That's getting to be a habit." 

Squall shrugged, smiled at him. "Goes with the territory. Ether OK?"

Irvine searched his mind for his Guardian. "No. It's here but it's completely KO'd"

"Well, soon as you're ready we'll go back to Garden and you can get him fixed up."

Irvine nodded. "I'm ready."

They set off down the beach, extremely wet and, Irvine noticed, smelling somewhat seaweedy. They walked in silence for a long time, Squall lost in thought, and neither Nida or Irvine really wanting to disturb him, until finally Nida's curiosity got the better of him.

"So what's the last thing you remember, Irvine?" said Nida.

Irvine considered. "We were waiting for Ether, outside the cave," he said, "and then there was a tidal wave. Then we went inside to look for Oceanus." He shrugged. "That's it."

"Me too," said Squall. "One minute we were talking, then the sea came in. Then we went in the cave. You, Nida?"

"The same."

"We'll need to get all this written down as soon as we get back. Just in case we lose any more memory. Just keep going over everything in your mind until you can put it on paper."

__

Great, thought Irvine, _all this and now I have to file a report as well. They don't mention this when they're recruiting._

"I remember we were talking about the party," said Nida, "and you said Selphie was drunk, Irvine."

"Yeah. Yeah, she was. I hope she got back to her room alright."

"And Squall was saying this year's only gunblade cadet was killed in the battle with Galbadia."

__

Gunblade specialist. He was trying to ask Squall about Frila. Oh no. Not again. Nida, I swear I'll… "You can remember quietly, Nida," he hissed, "to yourself, in your head."

Nida looked a little startled.

"Actually, I think we might have lost another potential gunblade specialist yesterday," said Squall. They were coming up to the front entrance of Garden, at last.

"Really?" said Nida.

"Yeah. I mean not lost as in dead, obviously. More… dropped out. She asked me for some advice and I think I might have told her to give up the gunblade and get a life."

"Squall, you never cease to amaze me," said Irvine. "You really told a cadet to drop out? And a gunblade cadet? Your own kind?"

"Yeah. Well she was so… pissed off with it. I vaguely remember when she first came to Garden, she used to show a lot of promise, Quistis really rated her, but… damn, I can't remember her name. Red headed girl."

"Frila?" suggested Nida, "father runs the junk shop?" 

Oh no. Oh, fuck, no.

"That's it. Still, she's got another year or two before graduation, maybe it'll work out. We really need more gunblades. Irvine, are you OK?"

Irvine was making a strangled, choking noise. Nida patted him on the back, assuming he was still suffering from swallowing too much seawater. "Need a cure?" he asked, kindly.

Irvine shook his head. "I just need to go back to bed," he said, wearily, "I really, really need to go back to bed. To sleep," he added, with feeling.

"I think that's a good idea," said Squall. "You still look a bit pale. You get some rest. Just make sure you're up in time for the briefing with Xu this afternoon. She might have some news on Chet." He looked at his friend with genuine concern in his clear grey eyes. "Take care, man. We need you on this."

Irvine wanted to go beat his aching head on the wall until he passed out, possibly after he'd introduced Nida to his fist a few times for good measure, but he just smiled weakly. "Sure," he said. "Nothing a few hours sleep won't cure."

__

Yeah, right, he thought, _that and a lifetime of celibacy._

* * * * * * *

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__

Author's Note: _Okay, I own up, I just love a wet dripping Squall… can't resist ^_^_

Thank you for the reviews so far, they've really encouraged me to keep going with this. I have loads more on bits of paper waiting to be redrafted; if you're not bored of it yet, tell me and I'll keep posting :)


	11. Fear

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.

Edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

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****

Chapter 11 - Fear

Irvine peeked round the door of his room, almost frightened as to what he might find, the way the morning had gone so far. But familiar surroundings welcomed him: covers in a heap on the floor, one empty coffee cup on the desk. She'd gone.

He staggered to the shower and stripped off his sea-drenched clothing, leaving it in a sodden pile in the shower tray. He was suddenly so weary he couldn't even be bothered to wash the ocean from his skin. He made his way back to his bed, picking up the quilt on the way, crawled onto the mattress and gave way, at last, to the call of sleep.

* * * * * * *

Squall watched Risha sleeping, wondering how long they could keep her like that. The nurse on duty had told him she was already nearing the highest safest sedative dose, and couldn't guarantee keeping her unconscious for more than twelve hours. After that they would probably have to use Ether again. That idea made him uneasy; Irvine had gone through a lot already.

"Is she still asleep?" came Xu's quiet voice from behind him.

"Yes," he replied. "For now." He turned to face her. "Any news?"

"Not much. Quistis and her team are getting ready to leave tomorrow, still no sign of Chet, nothing on the crystals. Although I have doubled the teams working on them, see if we can get results any faster. Any luck with Oceanus?"

He shook his head. "No. It happened again, Xu, the memory thing. One minute we were going after Oceanus, the next, bam, it's all over, no idea what happened except Irvine looks like he's half-dead and we're no better off than when we started. It was bad enough on the energy crystal mission, but for it to happen again, and so close to home…"

"And the others don't remember anything?"

"Not a second of it."

"How long did you lose?"

He shrugged, "an hour, no, nearer two. The sun was well up by the time I started remembering. Longer than before. I need to solve this, Xu. Has anyone else reported anything? Any unusual memory loss?"

"No, nothing out of the ordinary. But then… Rinoa hadn't even thought about it, Squall. She was surprised when I asked her about it, she'd sort of… forgotten she'd forgotten."

A chill ran up Squall's spine. He remembered standing in the ruins of Trabia Garden, Irvine telling him about a childhood he hadn't known he'd had, friends he'd forgotten, put a name to the loss he'd felt most of his life without understanding… Remembered how he'd felt afraid, for the first time, of the quiet presence in his mind that gave him the strength and power he didn't know how to do without. 

Something rang in his mind, like the striking of a bell.

"Xu… do you know anything about Chet's guardian?"

"No, not really. He brought it with him from Esthar. You know Chet, kept himself to himself really. Always the consummate professional. I don't suppose anyone would have dared ask. It'll all be on file, though. Why? Thinking we could use it to contact him?"

"No." Squall shook his head. "Xu, there's something I didn't tell you yesterday. I was hoping to talk to Chet first but seeing as he's gone… somehow or another his Guardian was set free. We found it in the Fire Cavern after Rinoa's test."

"Native?"

"Oh yes. Completely. But Rinoa subdued it."

Xu let out a low whistle. "She doesn't do things by halves, does she?"

Squall suppressed a knowing smile. "No. She doesn't."

"I can't imagine Chet letting his guardian go free. Not at all."

"No. There was something else, too. Did you ever hear Chet call it by name?"

"Oh yes, sure. Gemini. It splits in two, doesn't it? Or something like that."

"When it came to Rinoa it said it was Gemini Pandora. Why Pandora?"

Xu shook her head. "No idea. Squall… you know how it is. Guardians aren't always the same with different people. Maybe it's a formal name, or something. Squall, I was wondering…" 

Squall wasn't paying attention, lost in thought. "It's just a name with too many bad associations… I think I'll go have a look at Chet's file," he said. "I want to make sure I know what's in Rinoa's head before she goes off on a mission." 

"Squall… are you sure it's still safe? The surveillance trip, I mean. When we know so little about the Dia and with Risha and all this…"

Squall frowned. "No," he said, "I don't think it was ever going to be safe. We're SeeDs. We don't do safe. But it's necessary."

He was surprised to see sudden anger cross Xu's normally passive face.

"How can you say that? You're sending Rinoa, for fuck's sake! You love her, and you stand there and calmly say you're sending her into a danger we know nothing about! Don't you have a heart in that glacier you call a soul?"

He stared at her, stunned by her outburst. "Rinoa knows the risks," he said quietly. "Xu, this is what we do, it's her choice. She wouldn't want me to give her any special treatment. Anyway, she won't be alone. Selphie and Quistis will watch her back. It's nothing she hasn't faced before."

"How do you know? The last two missions you were on, you can't even fucking remember what happened!"

"We're not going to find out what happened, either, unless we go out there and look," he kept his voice level, fighting rising anger.

"But you've already half-killed Selphie and now Irvine…"

"Xu, that's enough." The images of Irvine pale and choking on the beach; of Selphie buried under flaming teeth and scales, were still all too raw in his mind. "I know it's hard. I've lost count of the number of times I've sent my friends into danger. But we have to do this, you know we do. Rinoa's not exactly like any other new SeeD. She's put in more field time already than I had by the time I went to Ultimecia. Xu, we have to do this. You said yourself, it's the only way."

Xu pressed her fists to her eyes. "It's so hard," she whispered. "I never knew it would be this hard."

Squall frowned. "Xu, you were organising missions like this when I was still a sulky brat of a cadet, and never with so much as a doubt. What's wrong? Really?"

She fiercely rubbed traitorous tears from her cheeks. "I don't know," she said. "Maybe I just see things differently now."

"Tell me what you need," he said. "Are you sick? You said last night…"

She shook her head. "No. No, I'm fine. Just… I don't know. Look, there's no need to mention this to anyone, is there? Me... falling apart like this."

"Of course not. I'd like you to get a check-up, though. Take some time off, you've been working like a mad person ever since Edea told us about the Dia. Quistis can take the briefing this afternoon."

She managed a half-smile. "Is that an order, Commander?"

"Yes. I think it is."

"Alright. I'll take a few hours. Thanks. I'll just… stay here for a bit, if that's OK. Get myself together."

"Of course." He picked up his jacket and turned to go. "Oh, and Xu… they'll be fine, you know. Rinoa and Selphie and Quistis. They know what they're doing."

The expression on her face left him in no doubt that she didn't believe him.

* * * * * * *

Irvine woke up to the afternoon sun streaming through his window, warm on his skin. He took a moment to register his surroundings, shaking away half-remembered dreams, pleased to find that although his body was uncomfortably caked with salt from the morning's excursion, it didn't hurt any more. He stretched, yawned and blinked his eyes open.

The first thing he saw was his rifle, lying on the floor by the bed. He could imagine every moving part seizing up with saline and seaweed as he watched. He was almost pleased. For the first time that day he felt he had a task ahead of him that had a half-chance of proving both achievable and satisfying.

He dragged himself out of bed and showered, wincing slightly at the puddle of clothing he'd abandoned, especially the state his leather duster had got in, and dressed in clean jeans and shirt, thanking whatever god it might have been that made him do his laundry a couple of days ago. He went to get himself a coffee, and that was when he saw the note, leaning against the kettle.

It just said 'thank you' in the same neat handwriting he remembered from the beer mat last night. Next to the words was a picture, two serpents entwined together around a slender tree, beautifully drawn. He made out her name, letters disguised in the twist of snakes and branches. _Frila._

He suddenly felt almost overwhelmingly sad.

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knocking.

"Irvine? Are you alright?" Not her voice. He went and opened the door.

"Hi, Rin. I'm OK."

"Squall told me he half drowned you. I thought you might want to come and get something to eat?" 

Irvine juggled these two ideas for a moment, failing to find any particular logic connecting them. But he was hungry. And seeing Rinoa there, smiling at him, was very comforting.

"Sure, why not. Just let me put my gun in some lube."

She laughed. "I won't even ask," she said.

"It got wet," he explained. "In the sea."

"It's a wet kind of place, I guess." She watched him as he swiftly dismantled his rifle, cleaning it down bit by bit, slathering goo here and there. "What happened?"

"To be honest I don't remember a whole lot of it," he said, "but there was a certain amount of failing to get what we went for." He dropped bullets into his desk drawer and locked them away. "There, that'll do for now. Right, come on, SeeD Rank 15. Let's go to the cafeteria and you can tell me how your first day as an officially qualified saver of worlds is going."

* * * * * * * 

Squall sat at Quistis' desk, glaring at the computer screen.

"What are you looking for, anyway?" she asked, looking over his shoulder.

"Chet's file," he said. "Bollocks, it's not here."

"Yes it is," she patiently leaned over his shoulder to reach the keyboard and tapped in a few commands. "It's confidential. So you have to put your password in. You remember. Your password."

He looked helplessly at her.

"Oh, for goodness' sake." Quistis clicked a few more keys. "Here, use mine. I've got full personnel clearance."

"Sorry Quis," he gave her a sheepish grin, "I always forget."

"That's why you're using my computer, I suppose, is it? Because if you were in your own office you'd not be able to do anything other than swear at it."

"Something like that. Sorry, Quis."

She smiled. "Actually it's good to see you. Don't see enough of you these days."

But he was already absorbed in the files flickering across the screen in front of him. She went back to reading reports.

"Quis," he said, after a while.

"Mmm?"

"Is Xu OK?"

"How d'you mean?"

"Well, she seemed a bit… upset. She was worrying about Rinoa and this mission tomorrow."

Quistis felt a flutter of excitement in her belly. _Calm down, Quis, it's only a mission._

"Why Rinoa? I'd've thought after yesterday there shouldn't be much doubt that Rin can handle herself."

"Well, that's what I thought too, but Xu didn't seem happy."

"She's under a lot of pressure, you know. It's not easy, having responsibility for the whole of the training side and being your deputy."

"Can you talk to her for me, Quis? Make sure she's not doing too much? We can always find a way to spread the load."

Quistis nodded. "Of course."

Squall leaned back in Quistis' chair. "This is no good," he said, pointing accusingly at the computer. "It doesn't tell me anything about Chet I don't already know."

"Still no sign of him, then?"

"Not a whisper. And Rinoa has his Guardian."

Quistis gave him a look. "And you were going to tell me this when?"

"I just wanted to tell Chet first, is all. It attacked us at the Fire Caverns, and she subdued it."

"Well, I guess it won't do the mission any harm. Any extra help will be useful. I'll have to have a talk with her, though. It's not easy, taking on a two new Guardians at once."

"If you could keep an eye on her…"

"Squall, I'll keep an eye on all three of us. You know that."

"Looking forward to it? The mission?"

Quistis grinned broadly at him. "I can't tell you how much," she said.

* * * * * * * 

Irvine pushed his empty plate to one side and leaned back with some satisfaction. "That feels a lot better," he said.

Rinoa smiled. "By the way," she said, "I never got a chance to say thank you. For sorting things out with Squall yesterday."

He took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "It was the least I could do, Rin." _And it had its own rewards…_

"If you'd told me yesterday morning that I'd graduate and get Squall before sundown I don't think I'd have believed you."

"To be honest, neither would I. So, come on. I need details." Irvine slipped comfortably into the role of confidant, relieved to be able to forget his own problems for a while and enjoy Rinoa's long-awaited happiness.

"Irvine! You're hopeless!"

"Humour me. No, let me guess. You saved him from certain death a couple of times and he fell helplessly into your arms."

"No, he was just… well, to be honest I was so focused on passing the test I kind of ignored him."

"That would have been a shock. So what, he asked you out when you'd passed?"

"Well, kind of…"

"He just looked at you and mumbled a bit until you asked him out?"

"No…" she looked at him, eyes sparkling. She suddenly felt she had to tell someone, and Irvine could probably be trusted…

"It was after the test… I sort of jumped on him."

"You what?"

"I jumped on him. I don't know, I was all kind of post-battley and excited and I just… jumped on him."

"Good gods, woman. What did he do?"

"Between you and me," she leaned conspiratorially across the table, and paused.

"What? What?!"

"Oh, I couldn't possibly say." She sat back, laughing.

"You are just the biggest tease, Heartilly."

She gave him a slightly smug look. "Well, I wasn't teasing yesterday in the Fire Cavern. And that's all I'm saying on the subject. Anyway, shouldn't it be Squall you're trying to get all the details from? Isn't that what boys talk about?"

"Oh no, Rin," grinned Irvine, "Squall's far too much of a gentleman to ever tell me half of what you have." 

"You bastard!" She slapped his arm playfully. "That's the last time I let you convince me to tell you anything!"

"Yeah, right. By the way," Irvine pulled a swift turn in the conversation, "how was the briefing? Are you all excited about your first mission?"

"Oh, gods, am I? I can't wait. I even managed to listen to everything Xu said. And I wrote some of it down," she added, proudly. 

"Was Selphie alright?"

"She was late, and she looked really rough. Xu was mad at her."

Irvine shook his head. "She's not good at drinking."

"No. Or at least, not good at dealing with the after effects. So, what about you?"

"Oh, the alcohol was fine. It was the gallons of sea water that made me sick."

"Poor baby. No, I meant the party. After we left."

"I didn't stay long. Went to bed not long after you guys."

Rinoa ran a finger round the rim of her water glass.

"That's not what I heard."

"Oh? And what exactly did you hear?"

"That you were in the quad chatting up women until the party was over."

"Well, obviously, I had to chat up some women." 

"Any luck?"

"No. No, not really. Well, you know, not my type." He felt a pang of guilt, and almost considered opening up to Rinoa and telling her about Frila: but somehow he didn't know where to start.

"I didn't think there was a woman alive who wasn't your type."

"Now that's just downright hurtful, Ms Heartilly," his eyes twinkled at her. "And I really think you should go buy me a muffin to make up for it."

"Oh, alright, you scoundrel. Blueberry or chocolate?"

"Blueberry. No, chocolate. Both. After all, you're not on cadet wages anymore, are you? Anyway, who's been spreading this libel about me?" 

"Quistis, actually. I think she was quite late leaving herself. And she's very happy today. Quite excited, in fact."

"Well. I wouldn't have thought Mr Firearm had it in him."

"All I'm saying is that she looked happier than she has in weeks." Rinoa tapped the side of her nose. "I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. Now, were you going to buy me a muffin?"

* * * * * * *

Squall found Rinoa and Irvine still in the cafeteria an hour or so later, playing cards.

"Squall! At last! Tell Irvine to stop cheating, he's got nearly all my best cards!"

Irvine watched the new, soft expression on Squall's face as he smiled at Rinoa; noticed the way she smiled back, all girly and wide-eyed. He was fairly sure that if it went on too long it would all get far too sickly, but for now their modest affection was a welcome antidote to the altogether more complicated feelings he was busy suppressing in himself.

"Join us?" Rinoa shuffled up the bench to make room for Squall. "Win my cards back for me?"

Squall shook his head. "Sorry, Rin." He turned to Irvine, his face serious. "Risha's waking up," he said.

"Oh." Irvine's spirits plummeted, "I'd hoped it might take longer," he admitted.

"She seems to be resistant to any kind of sedative the Doc can give her," Squall explained. "I'm sorry, but we need to use Ether again."

Irvine nodded. "Of course." He gathered his cards together and got up to leave. "I'll see you later."

To his surprise, he felt Squall's hand on his shoulder. "You're not doing this alone, Irvine. We'll be with you."

Irvine looked for a moment into Squall's calm grey eyes, touched by the concern in his voice. 

"Are you sure? I mean, you're busy and…"

"Just try and stop us," said Rinoa. "We'll be there. As long as you need. "

Irvine smiled gratefully. "Thanks." His stomach clenched, already anticipating Risha's despair. "OK," he slipped his cards in his pocket and reached in his mind for Ether. "Let's go."

* * * * * * *

Irvine sat on Risha's bed, holding her tiny hands in his own. He could sense that she was already reaching consciousness, and understood Squall's sense of urgency. Looking at her fragile face, remembering how it had felt last night, holding her quivering body in his arms, any reluctance he might have felt at sharing a link with her again was gone. He couldn't bear the thought of that fragile mind facing that horror again alone.

Rinoa sat close to him, Squall standing just behind. He knew Squall must be itching to ask questions; there were so many answers in Risha's head that he needed. But he said nothing.

__

~Ether? You know what we need to do?~

~She needs to hide.~

~That's right. Ether, can we make her forget?~

~All?~

~No, just… whatever's frightening her?~

~Her mind has closed around it. She could break.~

I can believe that, thought Irvine as he stroked the hair back from that delicate face.

~_Just sleep, then.~_

~As you wish, Sniper.~

The surge was slower this time, more controlled. Irvine knew that Ether found relaxed minds easier to deal with, unconscious ones all the more so. But the fear and turmoil was still there, chilling and intense. She may have been asleep, but her dreams seemed every bit as terrifying as her reality. He sank into her emotions, drowning, overwhelmed with despair and paralysed with fear. He wanted so much to comfort her, to reach out and …

__

~Sniper. Leave. You will harm.~

Irvine swiftly drew back, realising with a shock that he'd gone into her mind without even thinking about it.

__

~She will sleep now.~

Irvine felt Ether slip to the back of his consciousness, and became slowly aware of a strong arm around his shoulders, gentle fingers brushing his cheeks.

"Irvine… Irvine, shhh… we're here. Come back to us." Rinoa's voice was soothing beyond belief. He opened his eyes, realised she was wiping tears from his face, deep concern in her soft brown eyes. He blinked at her, not really able to think. He realised he was leaning against something. Someone. Squall. Squall was holding him, the warmth of his body comforting against Irvine's back. And the hands in his weren't Risha's tiny ones any more, they were Rinoa's, strong and calm; she knelt in front of him, close. He fought his disorientation, tried to speak but no words would come out.

It was getting dark: the light was on next to Risha's bed.

"Take it easy, man," Squall's voice reverberated around him, deep and reassuring, "you've been out of it for a while."

Irvine blinked. "How long?"

"About an hour," said Squall, casually, as if it was perfectly normal for a whole sixty minutes to pass in the blink of an eye.

"Risha's sleeping again," said Rinoa, pushing loose strands of hair out of Irvine's face. "It's over."

To his horror Irvine felt he might burst into tears: their tender concern felt overwhelming against the raw emotions of his link with Risha. "What happened?" he asked, afraid that if he didn't say something the sobs welling in his chest would escape, "while I was…"

"Well," said Rinoa, "not much, really…"

"You were screaming," said Squall, in his usual matter-of-fact way, "and you cried." 

Rinoa glared over Irvine's shoulder at Squall. "We weren't sure what to do," she said. "You don't remember?"

Irvine shook his head. "Shit," he said, "I'm sorry I put you through that. Not very heroic, huh?"

"It was one of the bravest things I've ever seen anyone do," said Rinoa. "Here, drink this." She handed him a glass of something that was warm and silky and tasted of brandy. He drank gratefully. 

He felt Squall climb off the bed behind him, with a reassuring squeeze to his shoulder. "I promise I'll try and find another way. I don't want to put you through that again."

"We missed the afternoon briefing, by the way," said Rinoa, more brightly. "If that's any consolation."

Irvine managed a half-smile. "Yay, that was worth it then," he said weakly.

"What do you want to do?" she squeezed his hand. "Do you want to be alone?"

He shook his head. "No. Not for a while. Do you guys mind hanging around for a while?"

"'Course not. I tell you what," Rinoa patted his duster pocket, "why don't you let me win back those cards?"

Irvine nodded gratefully. 

"Don't think I'm going to let you win, though, Kinneas," said Squall lightly, "in case this was all an act to get our sympathy."

Irvine watched Risha's face, calm again now, her eyelids flickering, dreaming. He shuddered, remembering some of those dreams.

"Come on Irvine," said Squall gently, "it's probably better if we get you out of here."

Irvine let himself be pulled to his feet and led away from Risha to try to escape the pain and fear he knew would haunt him 'til morning.

* * * * * * *

It was close to midnight when Irvine finally left Squall's room. He'd managed to lose most of the cards he'd won from Rinoa earlier, but he'd won one from Squall, which was no mean achievement and a helpful distraction: Squall was a bad loser when it came to cards and had sulked prodigiously, much to Irvine and Rinoa's amusement.

As Irvine left, Rinoa had insisted he keep Angelo with him for the night. Irvine suspected this might be at least in part because she wasn't planning to spend the night in her own room, rather than out of her concern for Irvine's welfare. He'd noticed the small bag Rinoa had taken with her to Squall's quarters; there was a toothbrush sticking out of it that suggested it wasn't Angelo's fur she had a mind to muss tonight. Nevertheless, the company was welcome; Angelo's bit brown eyes were pleasantly adoring and uncomplicated.

"Make yourself at home," Irvine said to his new companion, opening the door to his room, flinging his duster on a chair.

His eyes flickered almost involuntarily to the answering machine. Sure enough, a red light blinked accusingly at him. He managed to ignore the flashing light while he drew blinds, cleaned his teeth and got ready for bed. 

Finally he sat on the edge of his bed, burying the fingers of one hand in Angelo's soft, reassuring fur, and pressed the button.

"Hi, it's Frila… you said to call, and I'm free tonight, just wondered if you want to do something… whatever. You've got my number, if you're not saving the world."

His spine tingled at the sound of her voice: he'd known her for just a day, wasn't yet used to the cadence or rhythm of her speech, or her soft Balamb accent, and yet he could call clearly to mind the sound of her scream as she came. His heart raced.

__

~Sniper. We want.~

~No, Ether. We… I can't. It's wrong.~

~She wants.~

~That's not the point.~

~You need. You are alone.~

~Fuck it, Ether, she's a cadet, it's against regulations. And she could be underage for all I know. Probably is.~

~She wants. You need.~

Irvine was shocked to find he was close to weeping again.

__

~No. Not this time, Ether. I'm sorry. I'm going to sleep.~

And without waiting for a reply Irvine abruptly closed off the junction. He got into bed, allowing the sudden loss of strength to relax him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Angelo curled up on the bed next to him, resting his head across Irvine's legs, and watched over him 'til dawn.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa curled up next to Squall on his bed, burrowing her head under his arm.

"You were brilliant, with Irvine," she said.

"I didn't do anything, really," he replied. "I just wish we hadn't had to put him through it again." Squall shuddered. "I've got to find a way to keep her asleep without using Ether. Or else convince Irvine to let me junction Ether myself."

"From what Irvine's said, Ether's fussy. I don't know whether he'd junction you."

Squall looked slightly offended. "I've never had any problem junctioning with a Guardian before," he said. "Ever," he added.

"Well, there could be just one being in the world that isn't irresistibly attracted to Squall Leonhart," teased Rinoa. He gave her a reproachful look.

She slipped one finger under his T-shirt, tickling his belly button. His muscles tightened, but to his credit he didn't so much as flinch.

"Anyway," she said, "it's time to switch off your leader head."

"Really?" his voice shook slightly, and she realised maybe he was ticklish after all, "and what head should I switch on instead?"

"Oh," she slipped her hand down to toy with the zip of his leather pants, "I think the sex god one would do nicely."

To her delight he growled at her and pounced, pinning her to the bed and raining kisses on her neck, between her breasts. 

"But Commander… this is only our second date."

"Shut up and take those clothes off," said Squall, raising his head for a moment, grey eyes smouldering at her, "and that's an order."

Rinoa obediently wriggled out of her jeans and vest top, took off her bra and pants as he watched, transfixed. She lay back on the bed; he traced one finger from her ankle to her knee, leant over and kissed her belly. 

"I've never seen you naked before," he whispered. "You're beautiful."

She tugged at the top of his jeans. "You now," she said. 

He pulled his shirt over his head, barely taking his eyes off her, and slithered out of his jeans, leather creaking as he threw them on the floor.

"Grrrr…" said Rinoa appreciatively. His body was strong, lean muscle and soft, pale skin. He was already hard.

He blushed a little, which made Rinoa melt inside and want him all the more. 

He leaned over and kissed her, sliding his tongue gently inside her mouth. She moaned and raked his back, slid one hand down to stroke his butt. He teased her lower lip with his teeth, then moved his kisses to her breasts, licking already hard nipples. She gave herself up to him, content to let him explore her body in his own time, closing her eyes and sinking into the soft bed. 

Later they lay in bed, comfortable and languid in each others' arms, bodies satisfied, morning not far off. Squall played with Rinoa's hair, twirling strands through his fingers, not questioning his contentment for once, but actually enjoying it.

"Squall…"

"Uhuh?"

"Where did you learn to give head like that?"

He smiled.

"Just… you know. I fooled around some, when I was a cadet. Does it matter?"

She shrugged. "Not really. I just wondered. I mean… I knew I wouldn't be the first. But that was amazing."

"It's never been like that before. At least…"

"Not that you can remember."

"No. But I'm going to remember this. Forever."

"You can't be sure of that."

"Yes I can. I wrote it down while you were in the bathroom."

She laughed. "You didn't, did you?!"

"Yep. Didn't want to take any chances. Anyway," he kissed the top of her head, "I could ask the same question. And you weren't junctioned before you met me, so you can't claim not to remember." It occurred to him too late that he might not want to know.

"Ah. Mmm. Well."

"Seifer." He would rather say the name himself than hear it from her lips.

"Yes. But he wasn't the first, if that makes it any better."

"Really?" Squall was genuinely surprised, and, in an odd kind of way, relieved. "Who, then? Not Zone, surely?"

"No! Honestly, how could you think such a thing. No, it was the son of a friend of my father's, one summer. It was just a holiday thing, really." She nuzzled into his chest.

"I had no idea."

"Well, no. It never came up really, did it?"

"You were always so innocent. Naïve."

"Yes, I know." She shuddered slightly. "Sorry. I was such a pain."

"Shhh. You're all grown up now. That's all I care about."

She reached a hand under the covers.

"Oh look. So are you. Grown up."

"Mmmm. Rin... Rin, what are you doing?"

She said something, but it was lost under the covers and she shimmied down his body.

"Rin… oh fuck. We ought to get some sleep... uh…"

Squall pulled the covers over his head and freed his mind to appreciate just how grown up Rinoa Heartilly had become.

* * * * * * *

Selphie stuffed underwear and a few basic supplied into her kit bag ready for the morning, singing softly.

"Xu," she called in the vague direction of the bathroom, "have you seen my shampoo?"

"It's right here, Selph."

"Oooh, shall I come and get it?"

"If you like. You might get wet, though."

"Promises!" Selphie squealed in delight, and skipped off to the shower, shedding clothes as she went. 

A while later, Selphie turned off the shower. Xu held her, kissing her neck where she had left a mark in her passion, as if to caress it away.

"Have you forgiven me?" asked Sephie. She reached for a towel, started to dry Xu's dark hair. I hate it when you're mad at me."

"Of course I have," said Xu, happy to just stand there and let Selphie rub her dry, fussing over her as if she were a child. "I'm just… frightened."

"Frightened? What of?"

"Of you, Selph. Of you getting hurt. Not coming back."

"That's just plain silly, sweetheart. You know I always come back."

"But…"

"Shhh… " Selphie kissed her, sweetly. "I promise. I'll come back. Before you even know I've gone."

"And you'll remember, won't you? You'll remember this, us, won't you?"

"Hushh.. of course I'll remember! What do you mean?" Selphie looked into her lover's deep brown eyes, worried by the fear she saw there.

"Well… you know Squall and Rinoa forgot… collecting the energy crystals. It happened again today, to Irvine and Squall and Nida. And… it happened to me, too."

Selphie felt a chill, hairs standing up on the back of her neck.

"It was a couple of weeks ago. I didn't even think about it until today. You were visiting in Trabia, and I was working on the first batch of crystals. I'd been in the lab all day, and I remember leaving… then nothing. 'Til the next morning, when I woke up in my own bed. I lost a whole evening." 

"Poor sweetheart…" Selphie held Xu close to her as she started to cry. 

"Selphie, I'm so frightened. Forgetting's bad enough, but forgetting you've forgotten… I don't know what I did, or anything."

"But there's security cameras in the labs, and most of the corridors… we could find the tapes, play them back. That might remind you, or at least you'd know a bit more about what you've done…" 

To Selphie's alarm this suggestion had anything but the soothing effect she'd hoped for: Xu was sobbing now, suddenly feeling very small and fragile in Selphie's arms. 

"Sweetheart, baby, shhh…" Selphie held her close, stroked her back through the soft towel. 

"I looked at the tapes…" Xu panted between sobs, "and I wasn't on them. Not at all. One second I was in the lab, and the next minute… I wasn't. But the tape didn't show me leave. I just… disappeared."

Selphie closed her eyes tight, choked down her own fear.

"It's probably just a tech problem, silly. The camera just wasn't working right." But her words didn't convince either of them. "Have you told Squall?"

Xu shook her head. "I couldn't. I just… couldn't."

"Well, you must. Talk to him tomorrow. And while I'm away I'll think as hard as I can." She kissed Xu's ear softly. "I can be quite clever, you know, when I try. I'll work it out for you, sweetheart."

"Just… take care," said Xu. "And remember me? Promise?"

Selphie pulled back and looked Xu in the eyes.

"I promise," she said. "I'll take extra special care and I'll come back in one piece and we'll sort all this out. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. How could I ever forget?"

Xu smiled weakly, cupped Selphie's face in one hand and kissed her. And for a while, comforted by her soft warm body, she believed her.

* * * * * * *

**************************************************************************

__

Author's note: sorry this has taken longer than usual: I had a PhD chapter due this week, so I had to write a whole 10,000 words before last Friday without including any mention of Squall getting wet or Irvine getting naked or anything :( 

Reading the full-on version back, I may have over-compensated now I'm back in FF8 world, but hey, who cares. Hope you like :)

Feedback welcome as ever.

__


	12. Escape

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

************************************************************

****

Chapter 12 - Escape

Irvine lingered over breakfast, drinking coffee and sneaking scraps under the table to Angelo. Dogs weren't allowed in the cafeteria, of course, but somehow the staff hadn't seen fit to mention it to him yet. Whether it was his charm or Angelo's that had made them turn a blind eye he couldn't be sure.

"Angelo, my friend, we could make quite a team," he whispered under the table, tickling him behind the ears. 

Angelo started to thump his tail on the floor, eyes fixed on the door. Irvine looked up to see Squall and Rinoa come in, not quite holding hands. 

"Good morning," said Rinoa, cheerfully. Squall nodded. 

"Hey," said Irvine. He gave them a long look, taking in the slightly rumpled hair, shadowed eyes and the silly grins on their faces.

"You guys haven't had any sleep at all, have you?" 

Rinoa shook her head.

"No. Uhuh. Not as such," admitted Squall.

Irvine laughed. 

Squall looked somewhat sheepish and turned to Rinoa. "What d'you want?" he asked. "I'll get it for you and you can teach the cowboy some manners."

"Ooh, eggs," she said, "and toast. Lots of toast. I'm starving."

Irvine started sniggering all over again, ignoring the exasperated look Squall flashed at him.

"So," he said to Rinoa once Squall had gone to fetch breakfast. "Good, huh?"

"Just gets better and better," she beamed at him.

"You're getting smug, Rinoa Heartilly."

"Oh yeah. You bet. I've waited a long time for this, and I'm going to enjoy every fucking minute."

"I'm glad to hear it. Thanks for the loan of Angelo, by the way. We've been getting on very well."

"Um… that's good", Rinoa traced a pattern in spilt salt on the table, and looked at him from under fluttering eyelashes, "'cos I was wondering…"

"You want me to look after him while you're away on this mission."

"Yeah. Only he hates the kennels. And he can't come with me on a surveillance mission."

"No problem. Like I say, we hit it off."

"Oh Irvine, did I mention you're my second favourite man in the whole world?"

"Thanks. I think."

"You're sure it won't cramp your style, having Angelo around?" she teased.

"Nah. Actually some women like a man with a dog, you know. Shows off our sensitive side and all that."

Rinoa looked sceptical. "I don't think you need to rely on props, Irvine. I'm sure they love you just the way you are."

Irvine shrugged. 

"Irvine… are you OK? I mean, generally?"

"As ever, Rin. Fully recovered and ready for the next adventure. You know me."

"Yes," said Rinoa, a serious edge to her voice. "I do." Her deep brown eyes looked into his, seeing more than he ever wanted to show her.

"You take care of Seffie for me," he said. "Make sure she comes back to me in one piece?"

"Of course. But… you and Selphie… it's not going to happen, is it, Irvine? Really?" 

He paused for a long moment before he answered her. It would be easy to shrug it off, make a joke of it like he always did. But he couldn't lie to Rinoa. Not anymore. At least… not about Selphie. 

"No." Then he panicked at the sympathy in her eyes. "Only don't tell anyone, or my reputation will be shot."

"Irvine!"

"Sorry. Oh, fuck, sorry, Rin. I've kept it all… locked up for so long. But look, I still love her. Always will. I meant what I said - look after her, alright?"

"I promise."

"It's hard to talk about. Fuck, I can't believe I've come over all Leonhart about this."

"All me about what?" asked Squall, depositing a tray full of eggs and toast on the table.

"Oh, nothing," said Irvine, suddenly very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of all this friendly concern. And anyway, for once Selphie wasn't the biggest of his problems.

"Oooh, toast," said Rinoa, "did I mention how hungry I was?"

"I'd best be going," said Irvine, getting to his feet. "There's something I need to do."

"Okay." Rinoa gave him a searching look. "Come see me off?" she asked, "I'll hand Angelo over to you then?"

"Sure. Front gate?"

She nodded.

"After that I want to take a walk down to the beach," said Squall, "with you and Zell. See if we can get any clues as to what happened yesterday. I need to find a way to help Risha without using Ether again."

"I'll be there," said Irvine, with feeling. "Anything so I don't have to go through that… well, you know." He shuddered. "I'll see you lovebirds later." 

And with a tip of his hat to Rinoa and a wink to Squall that belied his sinking heart, Irvine left them to their breakfast.

* * * * * * *

Irvine pressed the buzzer on dorm 317, just under the little sign that said Frila Alfyrd and Kellon Findel. He was actually regretting not bringing Angelo with him: he could've done with a bit of reassurance and unconditional affection just now.

The door opened, and Frila stood there, her loose hair glowing in the morning sunshine. She was wearing black jeans and a T-shirt bearing the slogan 'Gunbladers do it in leather'. 

She greeted him with a huge smile that broke his heart.

"Irvine! Hi! Come in."

"Hi Frila," he stepped inside, the door closing behind him. "I can't stop long. I just thought we should talk. Is your room-mate around?"

"Oh." Her smile faded at his serious tone. "No, she's gone to training."

"OK. Look, about the other night…"

"Oh, fuck. Is it going to be one of those talks? Only, like I said the other night, I know your reputation. I don't expect anything."

The matter-of-fact way she said that sent a chill down his spine. _Mr Love 'em and Leave 'em strikes again. Do people really think I'm such a bastard?_

"It's not like that. Well, yes, it mustn't happen again, but not because…" he took a deep breath. "Frila, why didn't you tell me you're still a cadet?" 

"Ah. Well, technically, I'm not, anymore."

"You told me you'd graduated."

"Well actually, no, I didn't." Her voice had an edge of temper to it. "You just assumed I had."

He considered this possibility for a moment. She was probably right. _ Fuck. What was I thinking?_

"You didn't put me right, though, did you?"

"I don't see as it matters. You're not an instructor or anything."

Irvine sighed. "You must know the regulations, Hotshot. I'm a SeeD. That's enough. And anyway, how old are you?"

"Sixteen."

He looked her in the eyes.

"Next month," she added. "Or the month after. June. The 21st."

"You know we could both be in serious trouble over this, don't you?"

She shrugged. "You, maybe. Though unlikely, with your contacts. And I'm outta here this afternoon. Dropped out. Not a cadet anymore. So it doesn't matter, does it?"

She crossed to her desk, where he noticed her gunblade case was laid open, empty. He suddenly realised she'd been packing: the bed was covered in untidy piles of clothes, books and various bits of paraphernalia, next to a half-full chest. 

She retrieved her gunblade from under the bed, started wiping it down with a cloth.

"I was going to leave this with you," she said. "I thought you might give it to someone who deserved it, someday."

"You're really leaving?"

She nodded. "I don't think I'll ever be any good. I just can't… I don't have a reason. So I'm taking Commander Leonhart's advice. I'm going back to work in the Junk shop for a while, maybe take over from my father one day."

"I'm sorry," said Irvine. "We need good gunblades."

"Ah, well," she said with a wry smile, "that's OK. Because I'm not a good one. So no loss, eh?"

"You shouldn't put yourself down, you know. I'm sure you're not that bad."

"Now you're sounding patronising," she said. "I think I liked you better when you thought I was one of you."

"Sorry, I didn't mean…" 

"We could see each other, if you like." She gently lifted the gunblade into its case. "After all I won't be a cadet. So no worries, eh?" 

"You're still under age," said Irvine, knowing it wasn't the right thing to say, but unable to think of anything better. "And if anyone found out about the other night…"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Frila slammed the case shut, "I'm not going to tell anybody. So unless you get a sudden attack of wanting to end your own career, there's not a problem, is there?"

"But I shouldn't have…"

"Look," she flashed angry green eyes on him, "why don't you just go? There's no point. I'm leaving. You needn't ever worry about me again. Go back to your heroic life, save the world a few more times, just remember to ask for a birth certificate before you fuck your next whore, if you're so worried. And leave me alone!"

"Hotshot…"

"No. Don't fucking Hotshot me. Do you know, Irvine Kinneas, I actually thought I saw something nice in you? I thought they were all wrong about you, that you're not just a slut, I thought you were decent and funny and cared. Well, that shows you what a dumbass I am. I can't use a fucking gunblade and it looks as if I can't pick a good man, either."

"I'm sorry." Irvine struggled to keep his own temper; this wasn't going at all how he'd planned. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"Oh, spare me. You should've thought of that before."

"Just a fucking minute, Hotshot," Irvine felt his anger slipping out of control, "You came to me, remember? You practically begged me for it!"

"Yes, of course I did. Do you know why? Did it even occur to you why I gave you my number? Why I came to your room? Because I knew I was leaving, and I wanted to go out with a bang! Literally! I thought if I only got one thing out of Balamb fucking Garden, it would be to lose my cherry to Irvine Kinneas. That would give me something to tell my fucking grandchildren about, instead of how I failed to learn the gunblade!" 

He was stunned and appalled all at once. 

"But if I'd known how young you were I would never…" 

"Oh really?" Her eyes challenged him. "You don't think I could've persuaded you? You wanted it just as much as me. Maybe even more."

__

She's probably right. I would have. And Ether…

"Frila, I just wanted… I'm so sorry."

"Really? OK, apology accepted. Just fuck off out of here. This is a bad day for me. I'm giving up on my dream, OK? I'd like to do it in peace." 

She crossed to the door and opened it.

"Frila…"

"No. Just goodbye."

He took a last look at her, saw the tears she was holding in until she was alone. He wanted so much to take her in his arms and comfort her, hold her…

He left without another word.

* * * * * * *

Selphie sat on the edge of her bed, watching Xu sleep. She considered waking her to say goodbye, but it had been late by the time they'd got to sleep, and she looked so tired…

__

Poor sweetheart. All this and worrying about me, too. And Risha…

Selphie carefully brushed back a strand of hair from her lover's face, stroked her soft cheek.

"I love you, sweetheart," she whispered, and planted a soft kiss in Xu's dark hair, "I'll be back. Promise."

Xu murmured contentedly in her sleep, snuggling into her pillow. 

Selphie picked up her kit bag and tiptoed from the room.

* * * * * * *

Frila washed her face in cold water to try and get rid of some of the blotchiness from crying. She hated crying; it made her feel weak and stupid, powerless. She hated him for making her cry. And she hated herself for letting him.

She checked her watch: just half an hour and Kellon would be back. Full of concern and questions, trying to persuade her to stay. Frila looked at the pile of stuff on her bed, still waiting to be packed. 

She considered taking her gunblade out again, one last look, one last polish. Maybe even go to the training centre and…

__

No. Too late now. 

Besides, Xian would be holding a class there, and she was really mad at her. She hated quitters.

__

Where did I go wrong?

She'd loved being at Garden when she first arrived; it was all she ever wanted, adventure, challenge and excitement. But after a while the reality set in: rules, discipline, endless practice. The harder she worked, the more pointless it seemed. Somewhere along the line she'd lost her passion, her dream. 

__

Although for a moment, when she thought he really liked her, she'd started to feel it again…

No. It was just an illusion. He hadn't really cared. She was just a silly little girl as far as he was concerned. A risk he hadn't wanted to take. 

__

Am I the only person round here who doesn't mind taking risks?

She didn't want to face Kellon, or Xian, or her packing. She certainly didn't want to face Irvine again if he came back.

Without really thinking where she was going, she pulled on her boots and stormed out, looking for escape.

* * * * * * *

Quistis tutted happily, squashing bags and equipment into the car.

"Where's Rinoa?" she grumbled. "I hope she's not going to be late."

"She's coming now," said Selphie, straightening out kinks in her nunchaka. "With Squall."

"Oh. Good. I hope she's not planning on bringing much with her."

"Irvine's with her, too. And Zell."

"Good gods, what is this, a send-off committee?"

"Well, it is a bit weird," said Selphie. "I can't remember the last time only half of us went on a mission."

__

Maybe, thought Quistis, _the rest of you have been on exactly eight missions without me so far this year. And I bet that didn't feel weird to you. _She shook her head to force the negative thoughts from her mind. She was going this time. That's what mattered.

"Hey, 'Elf." Selphie hugged Irvine, even harder than usual, and was surprised by the strength with which he hugged her back. She looked up at him, worried.

"OK Irvy?"

He nodded. "Never better. Except, obviously, I don't know how I'm going to survive without you for the next four days. You realise I'll be completely inconsolable?"

"Of course," said Selphie cheerfully. "Until some bright young thing comes along and distracts you." 

To her surprise, he didn't respond to her teasing with his usual tolerant grin. He turned away suddenly, helping Rinoa put her bag in the car.

"You realise you're going to miss my birthday?" said Zell. "I don't know what Squall was thinking of, sending all the girls away when we had a perfectly good excuse to party."

"There is the small matter of neutralising a significant military threat," chided Squall. "I don't spoil people's fun for the hell of it, you know."

"Lighten up, Commander," Rinoa squeezed Squall's hand, "Zell's just teasing. We can party when we get back. And I promise we'll think of you, Instructor Dincht. Lots."

"Time we were off," Quistis slammed the trunk of the car closed at last. "Come on, team. Let's go kick butt." She caught Squall's look. "Metaphorically of course. And extremely stealthily."

"Take care," said Zell. "Rinoa, remember to watch your back. And if an opponent comes up on your left when you're off balance…"

"Zell," Rinoa put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'll be fine. You just have a good birthday, 'kay? And make sure Irvine takes proper care of Angelo. I don't want him getting fat."

"Come on," said Quistis, starting the engine. "Time to go."

Selphie and Rinoa bundled into the car, and amid much undignified waving, as if they were leaving for a vacation rather than a mission, they were gone.

Irvine watched Squall carefully; he was watching the car disappear into the distance, fiddling with the chain on his gunblade.

"So, Commander." He said. "The beach?"

Squall nodded slowly. "Irvine…"

"Yeah?"

"Rinoa is ready for this, isn't she? I'm not sending her off somewhere she can't deal with?"

"Of course not. Zell?"

"Oh she's ready," said Zell. "Never readier. It's Quistis I'm worried about."

The other two looked at him in surprise.

"Why?" asked Irvine. "Quistis has got more experience than any of us. Fuck, she's saved my ass more times than I like to remember."

"Haven't you noticed anything odd about her recently, though?" Zell continued. "I mean, she's never around, always in her office. She doesn't just hang with us anymore. And she went off with that guy at the graduation party. He wasn't even her type. I think something's wrong."

"Now you tell me," groaned Squall. "That's all I need."

Zell shrugged. "I might be wrong," he said. "I just thought I'd say, is all, there might be something up. Possibly."

Squall shook his head. "Let's go to the beach," he said. "I don't need any more possibilities to worry about. I need answers."

* * * * * * *

Xu arranged fresh flowers next to Risha's bed in the infirmary, watching the fragile, pale face as she slept. She was starting to get restless again as Ether's effects wore off, and she became dependent on regular magic and drugs to keep her unconscious.

Xu sat on the bed, taking Risha's hand in her own, gently stroking in a pattern between her tiny wrist bones.

"My sister used to do this to me, when I had nightmares, to help me get back to sleep," she whispered. "She said it worked because of pressure points or something, but I just thought it felt nice… Oh Risha, I wish I could make you better, I wish I could make it all better. I wish Selphie were here. She's only been gone an hour and already I miss her more than I can bear… I keep remembering the first time I met her, when she came here from Trabia. She was so bouncy, full of life, so optimistic. I'd never met anyone like her before. I had the most amazing crush on her, right from that first day. I never dreamed she'd like me back, she was always with Irvine, and… but one day, it was after they got back from some mission, part of the first phase clearing up operation after the Lunar Cry, I think, and there was a party. She got really drunk, and I helped her back to her room, I don't know where Irvine or the others were, but I was pleased. She sat on her bed and looked at me with those big eyes…" 

Xu paused for a moment, retreating into her own memories: _and she just whispered 'get your knickers off, Xu, I want to lick you'. I don't think I'd ever heard anything so hot in my life. _

"Of course, she passed out, then. So I stayed with her, all night, and in the morning she took me in her arms and… well. We've been together ever since. Our secret. Only sometimes I hate it being secret. I want to tell everyone how much I love her, how proud I am. And times like this, when she's away, I can't mope around like I want to, there's no-one to reassure me, because they don't know how much it hurts. The only person I can tell is you, because I know you can't hear me. Poor Risha, it much hurt so much."

Xu bit her lip, trying in vain to stop the tears spilling down her cheeks.

__

Oh Risha. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. It was an accident. Please get better. Please… 

* * * * * * *

Irvine reached into his mind as they neared the beach, ready to junction Ether in case they ran into trouble. At the last minute, though, he pulled back. He didn't feel too comfortable with Ether at the moment, not after Frila. Instead, he called for Shiva and Siren, felt them slip into junction, more business-like than Ether, but all the more reassuring for it.

"What are we looking for, exactly?" asked Zell. 

"I'm not sure," confessed Squall. "Just… anything that might give us a hint as to what happened yesterday. I'm going to retrace my steps, as far as I remember them, and I want you two to stay on the beach and watch me. Whatever happens, don't follow. I'm hoping you'll be able to see what happens to me, even if I don't remember afterwards."

"I don't like the sound of that," said Irvine. "Whatever happened yesterday, it made me feel like shit. It could be dangerous."

"I've done dangerous before," said Squall. "I'll be OK." 

"You know there's no arguing with him when he gets all heroic like this, Irvine," said Zell. "We'll just have to hang around and pick up the pieces as usual."

Irvine grinned. This felt almost like old times. "You're right. Go on then, Commander. Lead the way into certain death."

Squall ignored them. "There's the cave," he said. "You guys wait at the entrance, and watch me."

Zell, Irvine and Angelo obediently took up their station at the cave entrance, as Squall drew Lionheart and stepped inside. 

"Keep talking, Squall," said Zell. "It's dark. We won't be able to see you all the time."

"Okay. Um… it's kind of crunchy. And there's a shaft of light over there, in the corner."

There was a pause.

"Squall? You OK?"

"Fuck, Zell, I can't keep up a constant prattle like you do. I'm OK."

"You could sing," suggested Irvine.

"Very funny," muttered Squall. "OK, I'm at the back of the cave. There's an opening, into another chamber. Wow. It's really pretty. And I can hear… Oh, fu…"

Silence.

Angelo whined.

"Squall?"

"SQUALL?"

Irvine and Zell looked at each other.

"This is where we go save his ass, yeah?" said Irvine. Zell nodded.

They plunged into the cave.

* * * * * * *

Zell felt the memories feed back into his mind in a trickle.

Some had become familiar with practice. The orphanage. Seifer bullying him, Squall trying to protect him, always getting into fights. Moving to Balamb and becoming a Dincht. His mother, or the woman who came to be his mother, comforting him, building his confidence. Going to Garden to be a SeeD. The mission to Dollet, dragging Squall to safety as they fled the beach. Esthar, Lunatic Pandora, Ultimecia… and coming home, cocky, victorious. 

Then, new, strange memories, like barely noticed dreams: comforting Irvine with Trabian vodka as he wept in Zell's arms; Quistis walking into the training centre, carrying Rinoa, limp and deathly pale, blood everywhere; Xu standing in the lab, glowing with pink energy, her eyes blank, unseeing.

He took a deep breath and focused on his surroundings. Irvine was still next to him, his normally rock-steady, gunsure hands trembling slightly. Zell followed his gaze and saw Squall, standing by a pool in the corner of the cave, staring into its depths.

"Irvine… you OK?"

Irvine nodded. "I remember," he said, his voice a shadow of it's usual rich timbre. "I remember so much."

"I know," said Zell. "We'll forget again, won't we? When we leave? This is what happened to you before, right?"

"Is it real? It feels real."

"I think so," said Zell. "It's so hard to tell. Look, Irvine… whatever happened in the past, you know you got through it. You're fine now. Selphie's fine."

"Because we don't remember. That's cheating," Irvine smiled weakly. "It's not the same as healing. And Squall…"

"Is this what it felt like, last time?"

"No. Gods no. Last time it hurt, I mean physically hurt. And there was anger and … Squall remembered something that had happened that made him mad at me. He hated me. This is different. More… manageable, kinda."

"We ought to collect some crystals," said Zell. "And maybe a sample from the pool?"

"Yeah," said Irvine. "Can you hear music?"

Zell shook his head. "Not really. Just a kind of hum."

"I think there was music, last time. Let's get gathering, then. You get crystals, I'll get the water. Keep an eye on Squall."

"We should have brought a camera," said Zell. "Recorded what happened."

"I've got a voice recorder somewhere," Irvine searched his duster pockets. "There. You take it. Tell it what we need to remember. Personally, I'm happy to forget."

"Irvine…"

"It's OK. Go on, get collecting."

Zell headed off round the cave, carefully selecting bits of crystal here and there, tucking them into his pack.

Irvine walked slowly towards the pool.

Squall was still looking deep into it, as if transfixed by something he saw there, but all Irvine could see was the reflection of his and Squall's faces, shimmering blue and pink in the crystal-clear water.

Irvine knelt and slowly dragged an empty water bottle through the pool, ripples and waves breaking the perfect image.

"Irvine…"

He stood up, screwing the top back on the bottle.

"Squall, are you…"

Squall's grey eyes were unfathomable; he let out a cry that could have been grief or ecstasy and fell into Irvine's arms. Irvine caught him as he regained his balance, ready to comfort and reassure, but to his surprise, Squall pulled Irvine close and kissed him, mouth soft, his tongue slithering past Irvine's lips. Irvine couldn't help but kiss him back, hungry for affection and instantly horny, but also aware of Zell's eyes on them. He reluctantly pulled back.

"Squall… hang on, babe," he whispered. "This isn't you. Not really."

He was grateful not to have Ether's insistent voice in his head at that point. 

Squall's eyes came into focus. "Irvine… wha…"

"Zell!" Irvine yelled over his shoulder, "we're leaving. Now!" He took Squall's cool hand in his own. "Much as I'd like to push you against that wall and fuck you stupid, babe," he said, "this isn't a memory. This is just plain wrong. I'm done with wrong. You're in love with Rinoa and that's how it should be." 

He turned and ran, pulling Squall with him.

* * * * * * *

"What happened? How long were we out?" Squall blinked in the sunlight. "And Irvine?"

"Huh?"

"You can let go of my hand."

Irvine jumped guiltily and dropped his grip, even though he couldn't remember how he'd come to be holding Squall's hand in the first place.

"About half an hour," Zell said. "Can anyone remember anything?"

Squall and Irvine shook their heads. 

"You were supposed to watch," said Squall, "not follow me."

"You disappeared," said Zell plaintively, "and went all quiet. I mean… even quieter than usual."

"I've got a bottle here," said Irvine, "full of… water."

"That's original," said Squall, dryly.

"I've got crystal samples," said Zell, "and what looks like your voice recorder, Irvine."

"We must have recorded something," said Squall. "Come on, play it back."

"No," said Zell. "Completely blank."

"Oh fuck. We're not getting anywhere, are we?" Squall ran his hands through his hair, exasperated. "Risha'll be waking up soon and I haven't found out anything."

"We've got samples," said Irvine. "Maybe Xu'll be able to find out something. We didn't even know there were crystals in Balamb, so that's a move forwards. And I can junction Ether and put Risha back to sleep." He tried hard to keep the reluctance out of his voice.

"Who's that over there?" said Zell.

"What?"

"Over there, by the shore. Only, I thought this was out of bounds, since yesterday?"

"It is," said Squall. 

"It's Frila." Irvine was suddenly very still.

"The gunblade drop out?" said Zell. "I've been meaning to talk to you about her, Squall. Xian was really pissed off you suggested she should leave. We really need gunblade specialists."

"I know," said Squall. "But she wasn't happy and… look, she shouldn't be there, drop out or otherwise. It's not safe."

"Instructor Dincht to the rescue, then," said Zell, and bounded off down the beach towards her.

"Don't be too hard on her," Irvine called after him, before he could stop himself. _Fuck, way to give yourself away, man. _"It must be tough, leaving Garden," he recovered.

"That's no excuse," said Squall. "Rules are there for a reason."

"Yeah, like we never broke any," said Irvine.

"That's different," Squall replied, but without much conviction.

Frila saw Instructor Dincht running towards her, and braced herself. _Just let him try. I'm just in the mood for a really good argument._

"Ms Alfyrd, you shouldn't be here. It's out of bounds."

"Fuck you."

"What?!" Zell was stunned completely out of Instructor mode.

"I'm not a cadet anymore. I can do what I like, without your stupid rules."

"It's not safe," said Zell. "There's a Guardian loose and… take it from me, it's not safe."

"Well, that's for me to worry about, isn't it?" she said, stubbornly. 

"You're not even armed," Zell pointed out. "How would you defend yourself if you got attacked? I don't remember you showing up to many hand-to-hand classes."

__

Actually, I hadn't thought of that. Fuck.

"Alright, I'm going," she grumbled, suddenly aware that she was probably coming over more as a stroppy teenager than a lone rebel. 

"Hang fast. You'd better come with us, just in case."

She glared at him. Then she saw Irvine and Leonhart striding up the beach towards them.

"Alright," she said, "I know, not safe, blah blah, irresponsible, blah blah, not what we expect of our students blah. I'm not arguing." Irvine was gazing out at the ocean, as if she wasn't even there. "I've heard it all before."

"That's enough," said Squall, with steel in his voice. "I don't care what you think. I have enough to do without having to save the stupid necks of cadets who should know better."

Frila looked at her feet. She genuinely respected Squall, and didn't want his last impression of her to be as an incompetent idiot. Plus he was scary. "I'm sorry, Commander, " she said. "It won't happen again."

"No," he said. "It won't."

"Er, guys," said Irvine, "there's something coming out of the sea."

"It's just surf, isn't it?" Zell said. "Only…"

"No," Irvine took aim with his rifle, "I don't think so."

He was right. They watched as the approaching wave swelled, surf rippling across the shore, but instead of crashing on the sand it curled in on itself, shaping water into a body, forming teeth, scales, claws and wings.

"Frila, get back," yelled Zell.

"No!" she said, "I got you into this! Let me help! Please! I can fight!"

Squall turned to tell her to run, but something in her eyes shot straight to his heart. She was hungry for this. She needed it.

He found himself tossing Lionheart through the air to her, even as Irvine and Zell braced themselves for attack.

Frila caught the gunblade deftly, taking a second to appreciate the perfect balance of the weapon, feeling it hum with magic through her hand, up her arm.

Then the water dragon was there, pulling its head back to strike.

Squall called Ifrit, heard Zell release a scan spell. Irvine had already taken a couple of shots, but with little effect, so he paused to boost his weapon with magic.

"It's Oceanus!" Zell announced. 

"Wha…? I thought Oceanus was in the cave!" said Squall, watching as Ifrit hurled fire at the dragon.

Oceanus roared as Ifrit's fire steamed along it's back, reared up it's head and lunged at Squall, who rolled neatly out of the way. 

"Wave!" yelled Irvine. "Brace yourselves!"

Sure enough, there was a swell headed for them, building steadily. 

Frila looked on in amazement as Squall stood in the path of the oncoming wave, feet planted firmly in the sand, and yelled.

"Come on then! You know you want to, you fucker! Soak me, why don't you!"

Then there was a slap of water; too late she remembered to close her eyes and mouth, gulped in ocean. She managed to stay standing, though, and as the tide receded she could see the others had, too.

Then Oceanus was rising in front of her, no more than a foot away, something like panic, or maybe just temper in its watery eyes. She attacked, hardly even thinking about what she was doing. The beautiful weapon she held was like an extension of herself, and she channelled all her rage, all the anger she felt about Irvine, Balamb Garden and her own stupidity, down its magnificent blade and through the chambers of the gun, timing shots perfectly. Oceanus squealed with rage and pain.

__

~You dare attack me! ~

Its voice echoed round her head, distracting her long enough for the Guardian to strike, spitting ice-laced water at her that stung like a blizzard, robbing her of her breath and searing her skin. 

__

~ I will teach you respect, child! ~

"No! I. am. not. a. child!" she punctuated each word with an attack, fighting through tears of rage. She was vaguely aware of the others throwing fire magic at the Guardian, but it seemed barely to notice; it was pulling back to strike again. She desperately searched it's scaly body for anything that looked remotely vulnerable, finally settled for what looked like a soft spot under one wing and lunged, screaming at the top of her lungs. 

Lionheart sank into watery flesh, and Oceanus thrashed it's body, trying to escape the pain. She twisted the blade and fired.

__

~ You fight well, child.~

Her temper flared again; she knew she'd delivered a blow close to deadly. It was a Guardian, she shouldn't kill it. 

She could make it submit. She could make it hers.

"Oceanus!" she yelled. 

She heard Irvine and Squall shout "No!" together, realising what she was about to do. She ignored them. It was a long time since anything had felt this good, this right.

"Oceanus," she lowered her voice, summoning all the authority she could muster. "Will you be with me? You know I am worthy."

There was a sudden stillness. She felt the wind whipping through her wet hair, and she was aware of the others, motionless, waiting.

__

~ So be it. I will be yours.~

She braced herself, not knowing what to expect. Then there was a rush as Oceanus invaded her mind, filling her with dreadful power and strength, more than she could have imagined. And then, the pain, awful, searing pain, white heat through her brain and down her spine.

She felt strong arms catch her, sank gratefully into them, and passed out.

* * * * * * *

"Frila… Frila, come on honey, talk to me." Irvine brushed back her hair from her face, willing her back to consciousness.

"Here, Irvine, give her this." Squall passed him a bottle of elixir. "I'll draw Oceanus out as she comes round."

"No," said Zell, "it's too dangerous."

Squall flashed him an angry look.

"It's her first junction," he explained. "If you take the power away from her straight away like that you could do all sorts of damage. Besides, Oceanus chose her. They always have a reason. Let them be for a while."

"I suppose so. But I'm going to have a very long talk with her when she comes round."

"I don't understand why she thought she was so crap at the gunblade," murmured Irvine, pouring Elixir slowly between her lips. "Looked pretty damn good to me."

Zell shook his head. "Last time I saw her in action she was pretty rough," he said. "But I think she's always had talent. Just couldn't be bothered to do anything with it."

Frila spluttered; her eyes fluttered open. "Irvine?"

"Yes, Hotshot. You OK?"

"No, you wanker, it fucking hurts." Her eyes closed again.

Zell tried hard not to laugh.

"Can you walk?" said Squall, a hard edge to his voice.

"Yes, Commander," she said, and struggled to get to her feet. Irvine helped her up, but as soon as he let her go she crumpled to her knees.

"Way to go, Squall," muttered Zell. "It's OK Frila, it'll pass. Just take a minute."

She nodded, pushing Irvine away impatiently as he tried to put an arm around her. "Be 'kay," she mumbled.

Squall picked up Lionheart and paced off down the beach a way, swearing to himself. 

"What's with him?" said Zell.

"He got scared," said Irvine. "If anything had happened to Hotshot here he would have felt responsible about fifty times over. You know what he's like."

"Don't call me Hotshot," murmured Frila. "Feel sick," she added.

"You'll feel better soon," promised Irvine. "Just breathe deep."

She gave him a hard stare.

"So what's going on?" asked Zell. "Nida told you Oceanus was in the cave, right?"

"Yeah. That's why we went in there in the first place. Maybe it was, yesterday. They do move about."

"I guess. It seemed pretty at home in the sea, though. And that surfy thing was way cool."

Irvine watched Frila as she sat back on her heels, massaging her temples.

"Does it always hurt this much?" she whispered.

"Sometimes," said Zell. "And usually you have training first, to prepare your mind."

"Oh. I guess I skipped a few classes, huh?"

"Is Oceanus OK?" Zell asked. "Has it settled?"

She thought for a moment. "It seems OK," she said. "It's gone kind of quiet."

"That's normal."

She struggled to her feet; with some effort, Irvine stopped himself from offering her his arm to lean on.

"I'm OK now," she said. "We can go."

"Are you sure?" Irvine said softly, "we can take as long as you need. " 

"I'm fine." She gave him a faint smile. "Thanks."

"OK Squall, we're ready to go!" hollered Zell.

Squall strode towards them, shaking the water from his hair. His dripping jacket was slung over one shoulder, and his soaked shirt clung to his chest, hinting at the shape of lean muscle underneath.

Frila blinked, feeling something stir inside her that was nothing to do with Guardians or swallowing sea water. She reminded herself that she didn't go for the strong, silent type, however good they looked wet.

"Are you alright?" he asked. His voice was still cold, but had lost something of its edge.

"Yes, Commander," she said. "I'm sorry I disobeyed orders, but…"

"You can tell me the buts at thirteen hundred hours, in the gunblade training hall," he said. "Right now we need to get back to Garden. Is Oceanus settled?"

She nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Right. Let's go."

She had a million questions, about Oceanus, about junctions, about the power she could feel surging through her body. But for once her common sense won the battle with her tongue, and she followed the others back to Garden in silence.

* * * * * * *

By the time they got back, the lack of sleep was starting to get to Squall. He reminded Frila to be in the training hall in an hour, asked Zell to take the samples to Xu and check Risha was still asleep, and went back to his quarters for a shower. 

He noticed Rinoa had made the bed before they left that morning, and suddenly he really wished she was there, to tell him what to say to Frila, to help him relax, still his mind. To hold in his arms and kiss…

He lay on top of the bed, just to rest for a moment, closed his eyes and fell asleep.

* * * * * * *

Irvine watched as Frila headed off in the direction of her room without a word, either completely abosorbed by her first junction or ignoring him on principle, he couldn't tell which. 

"I'll take the samples to the lab," said Zell. "You go and check on Risha?"

Irvine nodded. "She should be OK," he said. "But you never can tell."

She wasn't.

As Irvine entered the Infirmary he knew straight away something was wrong. He broke into a run.

"Irvine, thank gods," Xu grasped his hand, tears pouring down her face. "She's coming round. Please, can you help?"

Irvine swiftly unjunctioned Shiva and Siren and called Ether.

__

~Sniper? You had others in your mind.~

~Don't be offended, Ether. Just needed physical stuff today, is all. I need you now. We need to put Risha back to sleep.~

__

~As you wish.~ Irvine wasn't sure that the Guardian could change the expression of his voice much, but he sounded distinctly offended, all the same.

"It's OK, Xu. Don't worry."

"She shouldn't have woken up, should she? It's getting shorter each time, isn't it?"

"Yes." Irvine sat once more on Risha's bed, held her hands. He realised with a shock that her eyes were open, there was a flicker of recognition as she saw him."

~Ether, we need to hurry.~

~She wakes. ~

~We need to put her to sleep again. Can you do that?~

~Yes.~

Irvine braced himself for the rush, but it didn't come.

__

~Ether? Ether, what's wrong?~

And then it came, strong and violent, like rapids heading for a waterfall. Her mind felt different, not just the fear this time, but anger, deep-rooted fury, like a tempest. He felt danger at an instinctive level that made him close his mind as much as he could.

__

~It is done. She rests.~

Ether slipped to the back of his mind.

He opened his eyes, almost frightened to find out what had happened, how long it had taken. It was still light, at any rate, and Xu was still there, looking out of the window.

He was suddenly reminded of his visit to Selphie in this same room, just two days ago.

It felt like a lifetime.

He checked his watch: just half an hour. Risha was sleeping quietly, all seemed to be well. He felt tired, but the feelings weren't as raw as they had been last time. Or the time before.

He let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh, Irivine, you're back. Are you OK? Is Risha OK?"

"Yes," he said. "We're fine. Was I... did I..."

"You kind of curled up on the bed," she smiled, bringing out her dimples. "You looked really cute, actually," she said. "Risha went under again almost straight away. The nurse said just to leave you til you came out of it on your own."

"Well, that's good. Maybe it's getting easier." Somehow he couldn't shake off a sense of uneasiness, and not just because Xu had described him as looking cute.

"If you're OK I think I'll go to the lab," Xu picked up her jacket from the end of the bed. "I want to have a look at the stuff you brought back from the beach."

"Yeah," Irvine was pleased to see Angelo waiting for him at the door. "Good luck with that. I guess I've got a dog to take for a walk." 

Xu watched them stride off down the corridor together, and breathed a sigh of relief.

__

Thank gods he hadn't noticed.

* * * * * * *

***************************************************************

__

Author's note: 

OK slash fans, please don't curse me for making Irvine drag Squall out of the cave! Sometimes plot has to come first ;) 

Comments? Questions? Feedback welcome as ever.


	13. Questioning

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

************************************************************

****

Chapter 13 – Questioning

Squall woke up at ten to one with a raging hard-on and a sense of panic.

He had ten minutes to get dressed and meet the mad gunblader in the training hall.

Fuck, he was horny. Why…?

__

Oh. The dreams.

Grateful there was no-one there to see him blush, he pulled on his leather pants and a shirt. His hair was completely out of control where he'd slept with it wet; he dragged his fingers through it with little success. 

He tried to focus, willing his body back under control, wishing Rinoa was there…

__

Okay. Think of something else. Not Rinoa.

He picked up Lionheart and took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on Risha and Frila, and the pile of reports he knew had built up on his desk over the past couple of days. 

Gradually his head cleared, he shook off the remnants of sleep and dreams.

Pulling the covers on his bed straight with a deep sigh, Squall got back to work.

* * * * * * *

Frila was already in the hall when he arrived, sitting on a gunblade case, a large rucksack next to her. She looked like she was waiting for a train.

"Cadet."

"Commander." She stood up and saluted.

"At ease, Ms Alfyrd." 

"Thanks."

"Is Oceanus alright?"

She nodded. "Far as I can tell. It's still quiet in there." She tapped her head.

"And are you alright?"

"I guess. It's all a bit strange."

"You're set to leave us this afternoon, aren't you?"

"Yeah. You'll be wanting the Guardian back, right?" She didn't sound too keen about that.

"Well, we can't really let you wander off with it, I'm afraid. You could get hurt, junctioning without training, and there's some things about this particular Guardian that are … unusual."

"OK. So how does that work? Do you just… suck it out of my head, or something?"

"It's not quite like that. It doesn't hurt or anything. Not if you give it up voluntarily. But there's some other stuff we need to talk about first."

"Oh. Disobeying orders, by any chance? Acting like a spoilt brat?"

"That kind of thing. You know what you did was stupid and dangerous, don't you? Not just calling Oceanus, I mean even going to the beach in the first place."

"Yes. I do. I'm sorry," she sighed. "Xian always said I had no discipline; she was right. My feelings get the better of me sometimes. I just wanted to escape. I didn't think."

"Is that your gunblade in that case?"

"Yeah. I was going to… give it to someone. But they didn't want it, I don't think. So I thought I'd take it back to the shop. Maybe break it down for spares."

Squall winced. For most of his life his weapon had been the only constant he could really depend on; his gunblade had saved his life countless times, and was like an old friend, or even a part of his own body. He could no sooner consider destroying Lionheart than he could casually give up an arm or a leg.

He picked up the case and handed it to her.

"Get it out," he said. "One last time."

She looked quizzically at him for a moment, then shrugged and did as he asked. Squall eyed the emerging blade appreciatively. While it wasn't in Lionheart's league, it was a beautiful piece of workmanship. There was an intricate design near the gun chamber, a serpent wound around a tree. Of course, her father made these things. It was only natural that he would make sure she had the best.

Squall pulled Lionheart to centre, touched his nose with the blade.

"You want me to fight you?" she said incredulously, "I'm crap. What do you want to do, kill me?"

He lowered his blade and looked her straight in the eyes. "Do you really want to leave knowing you had a chance to try your hand against Squall Leonhart, and didn't take it?"

She returned his gaze with steady green eyes for a long moment.

Slowly, she drew her blade to answer his challenge. 

"Just remember, if you kill me," she said, "you won't get a discount at the Junk shop ever again."

He lunged at her in reply.

She parried, just about, and replied to his attack with fairly competent text book moves. There was no rhythm or style to her assault, though, and she was very predictable. Squall swiftly backed her into a corner, pulled Lionheart back to strike, registered the fear on her face. He brought the point of his blade to rest against her throat.

"You can do better than that," he hissed. "You know you can. Why won't you? What are you afraid of?"

She swallowed hard. His steel grey eyes narrowed, she could feel the heat of his body close to hers, and even though he couldn't have been more than a couple of inches taller than she was, it felt like he towered over her. The man had more menace and charisma than all the Guardians in the world. She suddenly understood why people were prepared to die under his command. At that moment she would have followed him to hell and back and thanked him for the privilege.

"Well? Is that all you can do? Was this morning just a fluke? Are you really just a spoiled child after all?"

She roared, thrusting him away with strength she didn't know she had, not thinking any more, just throwing her rage and frustration at him through her blade. He fell into defence mode, parrying smoothly, allowing her to push the fight back to the centre of the room. 

He was so fast, Lionheart a blur of blue light, she gave up even trying to anticipate him with logic, relying instead on her instincts, more of a dance than a battle. And then she began to see chances: he was throwing her titbits, just missing a move here and there, leaving himself open for a fraction of a second. She started to look for those moments, ready to take advantage of anything he gave up. But just when she was starting to feel pleased with herself, he moved up a gear, effortlessly, and started to counter-attack. Disheartened and frustrated, she prepared for defeat.

"No," he growled. "You've got more. I know you have. Come on. Try, dammit!"

She summoned all the strength she could and launched herself at him with a flurry of strokes, blade whistling as it cut the air, sparks flying where it met Lionheart.

He was grinning.

She screamed at him and thrust her gunblade towards his heart.

Of course, he ducked and rolled neatly out of the way, leaving her almost falling into the space where he had been, completely off balance. 

She was suddenly aware of a power inside her, growing with every minute of combat, urging her to fight harder, longer, more ferociously. Oceanus.

__

~Child.~

~Don't call me that.~

~Use me.~

~I don't know how.~

~Call me and I will be with you.~

~How do I…~

And then she was flat on her back, Squall Leonhart kneeling astride her, his gunblade hovering over her heart. 

The price of a moment's distraction.

She felt Oceanus slip to the back of her mind again.

She was breathing hard and so was Squall; looking down at her with cloudy grey eyes, seeing secrets she wanted badly to hide. She noticed a lot of things for the first time: his high, perfect cheekbones; the vulnerability of his rumpled hair, falling randomly across his face; his mouth, lips softly parted to reveal the tip of his pink, wet tongue. 

The famous scar between his eyes, faded now, but still evidence that once, just once, he had made a mistake, or been betrayed, or maybe both.

She didn't know whether she wanted to fight him, follow him or fuck him.

He shifted his weight slightly and brought his gunblade to rest at his side. 

His leather pants squeaked against hers.

"Enough?" he asked. She nodded mutely, not trusting herself to speak.

He got up and reached out to pull her to her feet; she accepted his hand warily, almost expecting him to throw her, just to prove a point. But he didn't.

"Do you really want to leave?" he asked.

She shook her head. "You know I don't," she said. "But I can't stay. I'm no good with rules, I hate it when people tell me what to do, I'll never be able to be what Xian wants me to be."

"Maybe not," said Squall, "but you could be what you want yourself to be."

She looked sharply at him. "What are you saying?"

"I want you to stay, and become a SeeD. I want to train you."

"You? But you never train anyone. Ever. You don't even do demonstrations!"

"Maybe I've just been waiting for the right student to come along."

She considered what he was telling her. Squall Leonhart, the aloof, silent, scary Commander of Balamb Garden wanted her to be his… apprentice?

"Why me?" she asked. "I mean, really, why me? Xian'll tell you, I'm no good."

"You have a raw talent like I haven't seen since… for a long time. Xian told me you had no focus, no discipline and no commitment, and yesterday I would have agreed with her. But I think something's happened to you to change that. I think you've grown up some. You're ready."

__

You're right. Oceanus. Irvine…

"I'm not going to beg, though," he added. "Just in case you were wondering."

She laughed. "You don't have to," she said. "Of course I want to. You know that. You knew that when you came in here, didn't you?"

"I hoped. I'm actually not very good at knowing what other people think, so I don't take too much for granted."

"Oceanus talked to me, when we were fighting," she said. "It wanted me to call him, but I didn't know what it meant."

"Ah. That reminds me."

"You want it back?"

"For a while, at least. I need to ask it some questions."

"Oh. You said it was unusual… in what way, exactly?"

"We're not sure. It's been around Garden for years, so I don't think it's dangerous. But there are a few things we need to clear up before I can rest easy with you carrying it around."

"Why did it want to help me fight?"

Squall looked incredulously at her. "You really did miss all the GF classes, then?"

"Some of them," she admitted. "Not on purpose, really… I slept late a couple of times, and no-one seemed to miss me. I figured I could catch up at the revision class."

Squall paused to consider what he might have taken on.

"Guardians feed off our actions," he said. "They get power from us when we fight with them junctioned, when we use them for magic, and especially when we call them to fight with us. That's why they let us junction them in the first place, they need us to feed them."

"Don't they feed off anything nice? Is it just battles?"

"Battles and magic. There's plenty to go round, though, especially since the Lunar Cry. I don't think the world will run out of monsters in our lifetime. And they don't need a lot. It all seems to work out OK."

"Can they make you do stuff you don't want to? I mean, this thing in my head has an awful loud voice. What if I can't say no to it?"

"I've never known that happen. They need you, you see. If it ever got too much, all you have to do is unjunction them. Then they starve. Anyway, they get to like you, eventually. Then they stay to help. They can be very loyal."

"I guess I won't be finding out for a while, though, huh?"

"We'll see," said Squall. 

"OK then. Do you mind if we get it over with? I think I'm going to miss the little guy."

"Um… a bit of respect might be in order, Frila. I know it seems to like you, and I meant what I said about them being loyal, but… don't push it, OK?"

"Sorry. Yes. Whatever."

He hid a smile.

"Come on, then. You might feel a bit weak when it leaves, but that's normal. Just relax and let it go." Squall cupped Frila's head behind one ear. His hand was steady and firm, cradling her skull.

She tried to keep her heartbeat slow.

__

~ Child? He wants me. ~

~ That's right. It's OK, I guess. He says he needs to ask a few things. ~

~ Do you release me? ~

~ I think I should. For a while, at least. ~

~ So be it. You are worthy. We will be joined again. ~

She felt a gentle pull as it left her mind.

__

~Oceanus… thank you.~

"It says you're welcome," Squall told her, as she slumped into his arms.

"Fuck… you weren't kidding about the weak, were you?"

"Sorry, I forgot it can be a bit overwhelming if you're…"

"Go on, say it. If you're as weak as a kitten instead of Mr Tough Commander guy."

She wished she could take that back, but the loss of Oceanus' presence in her mind was more profound than she'd expected. She wanted it back, badly.

Fortunately Squall just laughed. "Something like that," he admitted. "Now, why don't you go and unpack? I'll explain to Xian and I'll send you a training schedule. I expect you to go to all your regular classes, as well as mine, and there'll be others. You're going to work your ass off for me, or you'll be out on your ear. Understand?"

She nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Now, I need to go find Captain Kinneas and have a bit of a chat with Oceanus. See you tomorrow."

__

Oh, fuck. Irvine. I'd forgotten about Irvine. He'll not be best pleased I'm staying. "Yes, Sir." She remembered her manners and saluted.

She put her gunblade away and picked up her stuff, slinging her rucksack over her back, noticing the weight of it now Oceanus was gone. She marched to the door. 

"Thank you," she said over her shoulder as she left. "You won't regret this, I promise."

Squall nodded, and sincerely hoped she was right.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was in his room, actually trying to do some paperwork, a rare occurrence he was happy to be distracted from, when Squall knocked on his door.

"C'm in, it's open." No-one knocked on doors quite like Squall, although at least this time he had left it intact.

"Hey, Irvine. I've got Oceanus, so we can get some answers at last. Is it convenient?"

"Yeah, 'course. Did… er… did Frila give it up OK?"

"Yes, no problem. I think she'll miss it, though."

"First junction's always special," said Irvine, the irony of his words hitting him even as he spoke them.

"Guess so." Squall shrugged.

"So… has Frila left?"

"No. As a matter of fact she's staying."

"Oh." Irvine considered the mixture of relief, confusion and concern this raised in him. "Why? I mean…" 

"She's too good to lose, Irvine. You saw the way she fought at the beach."

"But I thought you were completely pissed off with her?"

"I got over it. We really need good gunblades."

"Yes. Oh. Good."

"Anyway, let's talk to Oceanus. Have you checked on Risha today?"

"Yeah, I dropped by. She was waking up, so Ether and I sent her back to sleep again."

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know. Are you OK? We can do this later…"

"No, I'm fine. I was only out for a short while. It felt… different. I guess it's getting easier over time."

"Well, that's good. Isn't it?" Squall frowned.

"Yeah. Oh, hell, yeah." 

"Right. Well. Let's find out what's wrong with her."

"Yep, ready to go. How d'you want to play this?"

"I'll junction Oceanus and try and communicate. Could you and Ether just stand by in case I need anything about Risha?"

__

~Ether?~

~Sniper. I await. I watch.~

~OK, thanks.~

Squall junctioned Oceanus with practised ease.

__

~Guardian Oceanus~

~Lionhart. It is an honour.~

~Thank you. I have questions.~

~Ask~

~What happened near the fire caverns, with Risha and Chet?~

~A great many things.~

Squall swallowed his impatience. Talking to Guardians was even harder than talking to people.

__

~ Risha is hurt. We need to know what happened to her. ~

There was a pause.

__

~ The one who watches is present. I will not answer. ~

Squall looked at Irvine in surprise.

"He says he won't answer while 'the one who watches' is present. Any ideas?"

__

Ether.

"I think he means Ether. Incompatibility, maybe?"

"Looks like it."

"OK. I'll unjunction."

__

~ Ether… ~

~ I leave. ~

"That's odd," said Irvine, "I must have been around Nida loads of times when he was junctioned to Oceanus, and it was never a problem."

__

~ Oceanus? ~

~ She saw something she did not wish to see. ~

~ Yes, we understand that. What was it? ~

~ That which she did not wish to see. ~

~ Right.~ Squall took a deep breath. _~ Where did she see it? ~_

~ In her mind. It was put there. ~

Progress. At last.

~ By whom? ~

~ The Great One with the being you call Chet. ~

Squall's blood ran cold. Gemini Pandora. Rinoa. He fought rising panic.

__

~ Why? Why did it do that? ~

~ To feed. ~

"Irvine, get on the fucking phone now, to Quistis. I need to know if Rinoa's alright."

"Rinoa? But they're supposed to be out of contact. Why…" Irvine saw the look on Squall's face and reached straight for his phone.

__

~ It feeds on.. fear? ~

~ That is correct. ~

~ Is there anything we can do for Risha? Can we make her well? ~

~ She must forget. I tried to protect. I failed. ~

For a moment Squall thought he could detect a faint tone of regret in the Guardian's voice. But that was foolish, he told himself. Guardians didn't have that kind of feeling, or expression. Emotion was a human curse.

Squall felt dread spreading through his heart, constricting his lungs, he was already imagining Rinoa collapsing with fear, like Risha, what it would feel like to lose her…

Irvine's voice phased into his consciousness.

"I know Quis, I'm sorry, Squall wants to know you're all alright, is all… No, I don't know why, he's my Commander, I don't ask questions… Quistis, will you answer me, dammit? Is she… are you all OK?"

"Tell Rinoa to unjunction Gemini," hissed Squall. "Now. And not to junction it again."

"… Quis? Good, that's fine. Squall says Rinoa shouldn't junction … Gemini?… until he says so… no, Quisty, I don't know why. Just trust me? … Oh. Oh, well, that's good. Fine. Yeah, we're OK… no, it's not raining here, still sunny" he caught Squall's look, "gotta go, Quis. Good luck. Bye."

"Well?" Squall demanded.

"She's fine, she hadn't junctioned Gemini, or Yujan for that matter. Quistis suggested she stick with Leviathan and Cerberus because they're known quantities. Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Risha… Oceanus says it was Gemini that hurt her. Some kind of mind stuff. It feeds off fear."

"Oh. I thought Ether was the only…" 

"Well, obviously not!"

"Woah, steady there. It's OK, man. Rinoa's fine. Quistis won't let anything happen to her. Besides, Rin knows what she's doing. Maybe Risha was just incompatible or something. It does happen."

Squall slumped on Irvine's bed, covered his face with his hands and tried to wrestle his feelings under control. "Fuck Irvine, for a minute I thought I'd lost her…"

Irvine sat beside him, put a steady hand on his shoulder. "She's fine," he said. "You're not going to lose her."

__

~ Oceanus… how can we make Risha forget? ~

~ I do not know. I am not worthy. I could not protect. ~

~ Is that why you … freed yourself? ~

~ _I was not worthy. ~_

~ What happened to Chet? ~

~ I was free. I do not know. ~

~ I see. Thank you, Oceanus. ~

~ Lionhart, I have a request. ~

Squall blinked in surprise. That was pretty much unheard of.

__

~ What is it? ~

~ Let me be with the child. I can redeem myself. ~

~ You don't need to redeem yourself. You are worthy. ~

~ I am not. I failed. You do not know of what you speak. ~

~ So you want to junction… the child? What child? Oh. Frila. ~

~ That is correct. ~

~ She's very inexperienced. She hasn't… ~

~ Yes. That is where my redemption lies. I can show her the way, as I have shown others. ~

Of course. It's been around Garden forever. It could probably train her better than any of us.

__

~ Alright. I might need you myself, sometimes. ~

~ I await my duty. ~

~ Thank you, Oceanus. ~

~ My honour. ~

The junction slipped away.

Squall felt something wet on his hand. He opened his eyes and realised Angelo was licking him, whining softly. He scratched the dog between the ears like he'd seen Rinoa do, but a little awkwardly. He'd never really had much to do with pets, but it was hard to refuse those big brown eyes. 

In fact, he had to admit he was a sucker for big brown eyes in general. _Rinoa._ He felt an echo of fear, the start of gnawing worry.

Irvine handed him a mug of coffee.

"You OK? You went kinda quiet so I thought you were either," he tapped the side of his head, "with Oceanus, or having a nervous breakdown. Either way, guessed you might want a coffee after."

"Thanks." Squall took a gulp and pulled a face. "But I don't know what you do to coffee to make it taste this way."

"It's a secret recipe. I have a question."

"What?"

"What's Gemini?"

Squall blinked.

"You'll notice that, being a dutiful SeeD, I followed your orders to the letter and asked no questions, even when my Commander was asking me to wreck radio silence, on a high security mission, to find out if his girlfriend was surviving their separation of approximately five hours. But assuming the crisis is now passed, could you tell me exactly what Gemini is? And what Oceanus told you about Risha?"

"Oh. Didn't we tell you?"

"You know you didn't."

"It's been… a bit hectic lately," said Squall. 

"So?"

"Gemini Pandora was Chet's Guardian. No-one seems to know much about it, except it came with Chet from Esthar."

"Pandora, Esthar. Not words I like in the same sentence."

"No. Me neither. When we went to the Fire Cavern for Rinoa's test, Gemini appeared and we fought. Rinoa won and… well, demanded its submission."

"Demanded?"

Squall nodded. "Demanded. And it submitted."

"Your woman's getting very assertive lately. Had you noticed that?"

Squall looked blankly at his friend. His mind was still reeling from the image of Rinoa hurt and afraid; he couldn't cope with Irvine's banter at all right now.

"All it would say about Risha was that she needed to forget. And it really felt it had failed her. That's why it freed itself. It felt it wasn't worthy."

Irvine gave a low whistle. "Wasn't worthy? That doesn't happen every day."

"I don't think we can help her," said Squall. "I was so sure that if we found Oceanus, got answers…"

"Well, we also have Gemini Pandora. Maybe it can put right what it did wrong."

"You're right. As soon as Rin gets back I'll junction it."

"Squall, I'm not sure that's sensible. We need our Commander, you know. And however brave you are… "

"I can't let Rinoa die."

"Rinoa's not going to die."

"No, I said Risha, not Rinoa. You know, Risha, in the Infirmary? Hopefully still asleep?"

Irvine let that go. "We've made some progress, at least," he said. "And we can cope with one rogue Guardian. Remember that gooey slime Guardian we found in the temple in Trabia that time? We put that baby to rest."

Squall seemed to cheer up a little at the memory. "Yeah. Well, Zell did, really. It burned real well, didn't it?"

"Took him a fortnight to get the gunk out of his hair, though."

"And Seifer killed Odin."

"Which wasn't so good. But still, it proves my point."

"Why are we so powerful, Irvine? Do you ever wonder, how come we got so strong we can kill Guardians and live to tell the tale?"

"Of course. But… I figure it's because we have something they don't have. We work in teams, we like being around other people, we communicate real well…"

Squall managed a wry smile. "Speak for yourself."

"Well, maybe you've got some Guardian blood in you somewhere. The point is, they need us. Strength is more than being able to kick ass."

Squall conceded that point. "I just wish Rinoa was back so I could get that thing out of her head."

"Did Oceanus say anything else?"

"No. Only that it wants to be junctioned with Frila."

"Frila? Why?"

"It wants to redeem itself. I guess she's a bit like Risha."

Irvine couldn't get that one to add up: they were as different as a ruby dragon and a kitten as far as he was concerned. "How?"

"They're both cadets, both struggling a bit. Risha was expected to fail her test, you know."

"Oh? No, I didn't."

"Xu thought she would have to retake next year, she'd had some family problems, apparently. Anyway, I ought to go check on her, I guess." Squall handed his half-drunk coffee back to Irvine. "Thanks for the… um… whatever that was."

"I was thinking," Irvine said, "about Zell's birthday tomorrow."

"I got him a card," said Squall, quite proud. He wasn't usually good at things like remembering birthdays.

"We ought to help him celebrate. I know he wants to put the party off 'til the girls get back, but we could have a card game, at least? I might even let him win a few."

"OK. My quarters? You bring the … whatever you want to bring. Beer. Whatever. You're good at party stuff."

"Yeah. There is one thing…" _I don't think Zell likes me any more…_

"What?" Squall was starting to get impatient. He had a lot of things to process through his mind, and social events weren't top of his list.

"'S okay," Irvine picked up on his mood straight away. "Sorry. Just being… well, it doesn't matter. It'll wait. You go check on Risha. I'll tell Zell." 

"Enjoy your reports," said Squall, as he left.

Irvine looked wearily at the pile of paper on his desk.

__

Unlikely, he thought, and reluctantly picked up his pen.

* * * * * * *

It was three in the morning when Irvine woke to the sound of his emergency pager beeping and Angelo barking. 

He switched on the light and blinked at the scrolling message on his pager.

__

mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir… mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir… mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir… mary now Risha awake now Xu come to infir…

He threw on his clothes and left his room at a run, junctioning Ether as he went.

* * * * * * *

"Xu! Risha! Is she OK?"

"She's… well, kind of."

"Have you called Squall?" Irvine strode towards Risha's cubicle, Xu running to keep up with him.

"He's on his way."

Risha was sitting up in bed, wide awake, staring at her hands. She was calm.

__

Calm?

"Risha," he said, quietly. "Risha, are you OK?"

She looked at him, but there was nothing in her eyes, no fear, no recognition, nothing. 

"Risha?" 

"Who am I?" no panic in her voice, just a question, as if she'd asked what the weather was like outside.

"She doesn't seem to be able to remember anything," said Xu. "Nothing at all."

Irvine sat on the bed, went to hold Risha's hands, but she pulled them away from him.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Irvine," he said. "You're Risha."

"Risha? No. I'm not Risha."

"You are, sweetheart. Trust me."

__

~ Ether? What's happened? ~

~ _She remembers nothing. Her mind is empty. ~_

~ Empty? Broken? ~

~ Not broken. She forgets. ~

~ Well, not broken, that's good. Isn't it? ~

Ether didn't reply. Guardians weren't too hot on concepts like good and bad.

__

~ Will she remember? Can we make her remember? ~

~ She is empty. There is nothing to remember. ~

~ Nothing at all? ~

Risha interrupted them. "Who am I?"

"You're Risha," said Irvine, patiently.

"No. Who are you?"

"I'm Irvine."

She shrugged. "Tired." She said. "Sleep?"

"Of course," said Irvine, soothingly. "You go to sleep. Get all the rest you need."

"Irvine!" Squall had arrived. "Is she OK, Xu?"

"Who are you?" said Risha.

Squall shot a confused look at Irvine.

"This is Squall, sweetheart. Your Commander. Don't worry about it for now. You lie down and go back to sleep."

She obediently slid under the covers and closed her eyes. Irvine pulled the quilt snug around her, stroked her hair back from her face.

"Irvine," asked Squall, quietly, "what's going on?"

"I don't know," he replied. "You and Xu go to the waiting area. I'll see you there in a minute."

They left the cubicle without a word, and Irvine kissed Risha very softly on her forehead.

"Rest, Risha," he whispered. "Rest." Then he went to join the others.

"She just woke up all of a sudden," Xu was saying. "Like that. Completely forgotten everything. I guess it's for the best, really."

Irvine looked incredulously at her. "For the best?" he hissed. "How can it possibly be for the best?"

Xu looked startled. "Because she was so afraid," she said. "Surely she's better now?"

"She's not even there," said Irvine, "she doesn't know who she is. Isn't it better to be afraid and alive than… not here at all?"

"Is that so?" said Xu, a hard edge to her voice. "Have you ever been afraid, Kinneas? I mean really afraid, so afraid you would do anything, anything to put an end to it? So afraid that you actually wanted to die so you wouldn't have to feel anymore?"

"Risha didn't want to die. She begged me to help her, and I promised I would. I could have made it better. Now… I don't know how to reach her at all. Or even if I can. So no, I don't think it's for the best."

They glared at each other.

"This isn't helping," said Squall. "I need to know what's happened. Irvine, what does Ether say?"

Irvine dragged his eyes down to the pile of magazines on the table in front of him, trying to recover his temper.

"It said her mind's empty. She can't remember anything. And it seemed to think she won't be able to, either, there's nothing left of her memories at all."

"Oh. How did that happen?"

"I didn't ask. Hang on…"

__

~ Ether? What happened to Risha to make her… forget? ~

~ Her mind was emptied. ~

~ How? Did someone do this to her? ~

~ There no way to know. I was not joined with her. ~

~ Oh. Fuck. Thank you. ~

~ Sniper. You are angry. ~

~ Yes. I am. ~

~ You are slow to anger. ~

~ Ether, where's this going? ~

~ Anger disturbs me. ~

~ I'm sorry, Ether. I'm human. You get the whole range of emotions with us, like it or not. I can't control how I feel. I'll unjunction if it bothers you. ~

~ No. I will stay. ~

~ Whatev… Um. OK. Thanks. ~

Irvine took a deep breath. He realised Squall and Xu were waiting, expectantly.

"Sorry," he said. "Ether was unusually chatty."

"And?" Squall asked, head on one side, watching Irvine curiously.

"It sounds as if something was done to her, to clear her mind," he said. "Ether doesn't know what."

"What could possibly do that?" said Xu. "Doesn't it have any idea?"

"No. Like I said. No idea."

"So it could have just been a natural psychological reaction," she said. "Kind of a way of dealing with the pain. System shut down."

"Well, I'm not a psychologist," said Irvine, "but I'm not sure it works that way. Or at least, if it did, everything would still be there, just repressed. Ether said she's empty."

"Maybe Ether got it wrong."

"What is it with you?" Irvine snapped, exasperated. "Why would Ether have got it wrong? If it said she's empty, that makes sense to me."

"That's enough," Squall's clear voice cut across their rising argument. "I'll ask the Doc for her opinion in the morning. Meanwhile, let's get some sleep."

"I can't sleep," said Xu, still furious. "I'm staying here." She looked accusingly at Irvine. "After all I have been here most of the past two days, watching her. You're not the only one who worried about her, you know."

"I never said… Xu, what's got into you?"

"Nothing. Just you and your stupid, male assumptions that you know what's going on in peoples' heads. You, always charging in to the rescue and never thinking long-term. Just you, Kinneas."

"But I do know what's going on in her head. Ether…"

"Oh I forgot about Ether. Of course. Like a Guardian would ever understand how someone might think or feel. It's not even human, you cretin. How can it possibly know what fear is?"

"It's what it does! It's an empath, of course it understands emotions!"

Xu snorted. "I'll believe that when I see it," she said, illogically.

"Xu, what the fuck is all this about? What have I done? Things were fine between us this afternoon, what happened?"

Xu pointed to Risha's cubicle. 

"That happened. I thought you felt the same as me about her, I thought you understood her pain. She finally got some peace, and all you can do is harp on about how awful it is she's not around for you to fucking save anymore. Well, you can take your empathic Guardian and shove it up your stupid ass for all I care. She's better off not remembering anything. Now leave me alone. I'm staying here." 

"What did you say?" Irvine's voice was low, dangerous.

"You heard me. You understand just two things in this world, Irvine Kinneas, killing things and fucking things, without much thinking of the consequences of either. So don't tell me you know what it's like to be so afraid you want to die!"

"That's enough!" Squall's icy glare stopped them both in their tracks. "You'll wake Risha, and I didn't come here at 3 in the morning to hear you two go at each other like a pair of berserk wendigos. Do what you feel you must, Xu. Just don't make yourself sick with overwork. Come on Irvine." 

Irvine followed Squall out of the infirmary, his face like thunder.

* * * * * * *

Irvine dreamed, lying on his front, covers cast restlessly to the floor, arms clutching his pillow to his chest.

__

He was with Selphie, Seffie, his 'Elf, in the hotel room in Esthar. They lay in bed together, rain beating against the window; he held her in his arms, something so precious, so lovely he didn't think he really deserved her. He couldn't believe she was really there again, after so much time.

She nuzzled his neck, pushing her breasts against his side, making contented little noises in the back of her throat. He pulled her on top of him and kissed her, her skin so soft and warm against his. He stroked her chestnut hair back from her face, and she purred into their kiss. Then he was loving her so slow, so gentle, feeling her wrapped around him strong and sweet, cinnamon and strawberries; he felt the pleasure build inside him until…

"You bastard. How could you do that to me?" He was in another place, somewhere he didn't know; he was in SeeD uniform and Selphie was there, crying, he had hurt her, hurt her so, so badly… he wanted to explain, to tell her it didn't matter, it was a mistake, but she wouldn't listen. She was too hurt to listen. He had hurt her, his Seffie, his 'Elf…

And then he was in Zell's room, a bottle of brandy in his hand. Squall and Zell sat on either side of him, he'd been crying, but he had no tears left now, he just felt empty and gut-wrenchingly angry with himself. Zell gently prized the bottle from his hand, while Squall untied his hair, slipped his shirt over his shoulders… Zell took off his boots… 

Afterwards Squall kissed away the tears that ran in rivulets down the sides of Irvine's face towards his ears, held him tight until the tide retreated and peace came.

***************************************************************

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Feedback welcome as ever. Please feed the author ^_^


	14. Confessions

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

************************************************************

****

Chapter 14 – Confession

Frila paced the empty training hall at 6.30 in the morning, gunblade slung over one shoulder, looking at the ageing posters on the wall. They showed all the basic stances and moves, how to time shot and slash… she should probably know them by heart, but somehow she'd not paid that much attention to them before. She was surprised by how nervous that thought made her.

__

I really hope I don't fuck up this time.

The doors swung open and Squall strode in.

"Commander." She saluted.

"Frila. You're here, then?"

"Yes. Bright and early, all new leafy. Sir."

"Good. You got your timetable?"

"Yep. It's … extensive. Sir."

"OK, you can drop the Sir. If I remember right, you've got GF training with Instructor Dincht after breakfast?"

She nodded.

"Well, you may as well take a Guardian with you then."

A broad smile spread over her face.

"Oceanus?"

He nodded. "You made quite an impression on it. But this time we'll run through a few of the basics first. "He took off his gloves." Put your gunblade down and give me your hands."

She did as he asked. They joined hands, interlacing fingers; his hands were cool, surprisingly slender, fingers long and sensitive.

"You'll need to call it. They don't junction unasked. Try to be polite, they do deserve our respect."

"What should I say? How do I… talk to it?"

"Just like you did yesterday when it was in your head. Just ask it to come to you."

"OK." She took a deep breath.

__

~ Oceanus? ~

~ Child? ~

~ Will you… come to me? ~

__

~ I would be honoured, Child. ~

Risha felt the rush of power up her arms and into her head, suffusing her whole body with strength and energy. She fought the urge to laugh with the pleasure of it.

"Feels good, huh?"

She nodded. "It didn't hurt at all. Why did it hurt last time?"

"You go into a kind of shock the first time, because it has to fit into your mind, I think. It varies a lot. Now you need to tell it what you want. It can channel its power in different ways, into magic, to give you strength, speed up your reactions. You'll need to try different things out to see how it works, Instructor Dincht will help you with that. For now just leave it to Oceanus. Ask it to strengthen you for battle, and it'll work it out for you. You're lucky, you've got one of the most experienced Guardians I've ever come across."

"So I just… ask it?"

"That's right."

__

~ Oceanus… please… strengthen me for battle? ~

~ It is done, Child. ~

"Can I stop it calling me child? Doesn't it know my real name?"

"They make up their own names for us. Sometimes it's similar to your real one, sometimes not. But all the Guardians you junction will call you the same thing. You get used to it."

"Great. It could be wearing thin by the time I reach retirement, though. What do we do now? Exercises?"

Squall shook his head. "You can do that with your instructors. They'll put you through all the drills you need, teach you the skills. With me," he handed her her gunblade, "you learn to fight."

Over the next hour Frila came to understand in painful detail exactly what that meant. Squall sparred ruthlessly; she only knew he was holding back because she was still alive at the end of it. She paid for every mistake, not by being corrected, or told off even, but by having her vulnerability laid raw in front of her. She lost count of the times that she found herself facing the deadly edge of his blade, or losing her balance and falling at his feet. He never once helped her up, or encouraged her, just stood back and waited, then picked up exactly where they left off before she made the error, like resetting a battle in a computer game. Forcing her to make the same mistakes over and over until she found a way to overcome them. If she could. If she let her concentration slip for as much as second his steely eyes were on her; he goaded her brutally, no patience for excuses or explanations.

By the end of an hour she was exhausted, sweaty and hated him with a passion. She stood, panting, back against the wall, trying to catch her breath.

"Well done," he said, "same time tomorrow, then. Work on your feet, you keep falling over."

If she'd had the energy she might have stormed out of the hall and never come back.

Then he smiled at her, almost shyly, eyes half covered with his messy hair. 

"Did I really suck my first time out as a teacher?" 

She stared incredulously at him for a moment, then burst out laughing, almost hysterically, and slid slowly down the wall, dropping her gunblade.

"Are you OK?" He looked positively alarmed. "Did I kick your ass too much?"

"Yes," she gasped. "Yes, you really did. But," she accepted the hand he offered to pull her to her feet, "I guess it did me good." She wiped her sweaty forehead with the back of her hand, hooking a few escaped strands of hair behind her ears.

"Tomorrow, then?" 

She nodded, suddenly realising that she was already looking forward to it, despite the way her body ached, her arm protesting as she picked up her blade. And it wasn't even time for breakfast yet. "Tomorrow."

Squall made to leave, turning round just as he reached the door. "By the way," he said, "you did do really well. I was right. You're going to be a great gunblader. Just don't give up, OK?"

She swallowed hard, a lump in her throat. "Promise," she said. And meant it.

* * * * * * *

"What's the deal with this Guardian then?" Selphie skipped along next to Quistis and Rinoa, the happy movement looking somehow incongruous with the head-to-foot black clothing she was wearing for camouflage purposes. 

"I don't know, you demented Ninja," said Rinoa. "Can't you stop skipping? We are going into a dangerous situation, you know."

Selphie shrugged. "Don't see what that's got to do with it," she said. "I'm happy. We're not even there yet. And it's Zell's birthday. I owe him a skip."

Rinoa and Quistis shook their heads at each other. "There's no hope, is there?" said Rinoa.

"Not in our lifetime," said Quistis. "Oh. There it is. Look, by that dune."

"We're in the desert, Quis, there's lots of… oh yeah, I see it."

"It's not a very big grate," complained Selphie. "Good thing we didn't bring the boys."

"I think that's kind of the idea," said Rinoa. "We're small enough to go places they can't."

"I'm glad one of you was listening at the briefing," muttered Quistis. Then "watch, out, Jelleye on the left."

Rinoa span and tossed her pinwheel almost negligently at the creature.

It fell dead onto the sand.

"It's hot," said Selphie, lowering her unneeded nunchaka. "I'm hot."

"That's what you get for the skipping," said Quistis. "Come on, Selph, focus, please?"

"I am focused. Just show me what you need me to blow up and…" catching the disapproval on Quistis' face, Selphie stopped. "Sorry, Quis. I'm a bit overexcited, is all. It's just so much fun to be out on a mission again."

"Yes, I know what you mean," agreed Quistis. "Now, come on. All we have to do is put a probe in this tunnel and then go back to the hotel and monitor it. If we're convinced it's really abandoned after that, you two are down there tomorrow."

"At least it's not a sewer," said Selphie. "I hate sewers." She started to sing under her breath _"I hate sewers, they're very stinky… they send me down sewers 'cos I'm dinky…"_

"Gods preserve us," said Quistis. "Look out for me, Rinoa? I'll go have a look through the grate."

Rinoa nodded.

"Are we having a party tonight?" said Selphie. "We ought to do something for Zell's birthday, even if he's stuck in Balamb."

"I think we could talk Quistis into letting us have a bottle of wine and some munchies in the hotel," said Rinoa. 

"That sounds good," said Selphie, "kinda like a sleepover. Oh, Jelleye, incoming."

Rinoa shot a ball of ice at it and it froze, hit the ground and shattered. "Thanks."

"You'd better ask her, though," Selphie was searching through her pockets, "she's not very happy with me this morning, is she?… ah. Lollipop?" Selphie offered Rinoa the contents of a crumpled paper bag.

"No thanks, I'm supposed to be on guard."

Selphie shrugged and stuck a lolly in her mouth, twirling the stick between her teeth. 

"I dobnt dow what de's do mad abouth." She said.

"I think this mission means a lot to her. After all, she's not been on one for ages and… oh, hang on, here she comes."

"Delleye, ober dere," Selphie pointed over Rinoa's shoulder.

Another Jelleye bit the dust.

"Selphie, take that out of your mouth," said Quistis, "now."

"Sorry Quis."

"The entrance looks fine, should be OK to go down. You ready?"

"Sure," said Rinoa. Selphie nodded.

"OK, let's go. Oh, Rin, on your left, Jell…. Oh, you got it. Good."

Rinoa grinned. "Quistis, we were wondering… you know it's Zell's birthday today… "

"Yes. I thought maybe we could have a bit of a celebration tonight, bottle of wine, popcorn, maybe some chocolate if they have such a thing round here…"

"That's a great idea!" said Selphie. "Thanks, Quis!"

"Well," said Quistis, "even I like to let my hair down sometimes, you know."

Rinoa hooked her arm through Quistis'. "That's really cool, Quis."

"Yes. Um, Rinoa…"

"Uhuh?"

"We are about to go down a stinky tunnel, you know, not the mall."

"Sorry." Rinoa withdrew her arm. "Forgot. Oh, look, Jelleye!"

This time she hit it with earth magic, squishing it into several blobs. Which splooshed messily over the grate and dripped into the tunnel they were about to enter.

"Oh, great," said Selphie. "Geddit? Great, grate…"

Quistis rolled her eyes skywards. At this rate they would be lucky to get the probe planted, never mind launch a major surveillance operation.

She hadn't felt happier in months.

* * * * * * *

"Hey Man," Zell stuck his head round Irvine's door. "You ready?"

"Sure." Irvine opened his desk drawer and put away some piece of paper he'd been looking at. "Happy birthday, by the way. I… um… got you this." He offered Zell a small package. "It's not much, but it'll make tonight worth bothering about, anyhow."

"Thanks, man, you didn't have to… wow. Cards. Krysta, Oilboyle… hang on, what's this? Fuck, Doomtrain! I thought Squall had the only one!"

Irvine grinned. "He used to."

"You won it off him? Hyne, I bet he was mad. You know he wants to collect all the Guardians?"

"Yep. Don't loose it back to him, eh?"

"I'll try not to. Thanks, Irvine. It's really generous of you."

Irvine shrugged. "Glad you like them. Shall we go?"

"Sure. Oh, there was… about the other day. When we were waiting for Rinoa."

"Yeah?" 

"I'm sorry I was pissed with you. It wasn't your fault, I was mad at myself more than anything."

"Oh. That's OK. I know I can be an annoying shit sometimes." _At least, people have been yelling at me a lot lately so I guess I must be._

"It's just… I shouldn't have told her to fight that T-Rex without magic, and I was jealous of… I saw you kissing her. In the quad."

"Oh. I see. The thing about that is…"

Zell held up his hand, "no need. It's cool. I've done a lot of thinking over the past coupla days and I think you're maybe right. I've been working too hard and… I need to find the fun." 

Irvine felt relief wash over him. Of course, that was Zell all over. Impulsive, act first, think later. He should have guessed Zell wouldn't stay mad at him for long. 

"There's nothing between me and Rin. We're just friends. It was a crazy day, Rin's graduation. And it turned out right, Squall and Rin are an item, I learned my lesson…"

"Yeah, right," Zell laughed. "Like Irvine Kinneas ever learns his lesson where women are concerned!"

An image of Frila, lying on his bed and telling him her virginity didn't matter, popped into Irvine's head. _He's right._ _I never learn._

"Come on cowboy. Let's go play cards," said Zell. "I wonder what the girls are doing now, he added, wistfully. 

Irvine picked up his keys and a bag full of clinking bottles. "I expect Quistis has got them all tucked up in bed and asleep so they're ready for tomorrow," he said. "Either that or they're writing endless field reports. Gotta feel sorry for 'em, really."

"Yeah," said Zell. "Makes me glad to be left behind."

* * * * * * *

"And then," said Selphie, waving her glass around for dramatic emphasis, "he fell off the chocobo and landed on his arse, right in front of the whole Garden!"

"You're kidding!" squealed Quistis. "And to think I _slept_ with him!"

"Does he still have that weird tattoo on his back? The one that looks like a squished bitebug?"

Quistis nodded, trying not to splutter her mouthful of wine out in a fit of giggles. She swallowed hard. "He showed it to me, he was so proud of it."

"And the piercing?"

Quistis' eyes widened. "What??!"

"Oh, must have gone then," Selphie drained her glass and reached for the wine bottle to refill it. "Believe me, you'd have noticed."

"Where…"

"Ha! Got you worried!"

"Selphie, you bitch! You were winding me up on purpose!"

"Only a bit," said Selphie, grinning. "The chocobo story was true, though." She shuffled back on her bed so she could lean against the wall, and passed the bottle to Rinoa.

"Do you regret it then, Quis?" asked Rinoa, passing the bottle straight to Quistis, who grabbed it enthusiastically. "Sleeping with him, I mean. On a scale of 1 to 10?" 

"Oh, not really. Maybe a score of 2 on the regret front. The sex was quite good. Well, OK anyway." The sober part of Quistis' brain was trying to tell her she shouldn't be telling anyone about this, but lost out to the tipsy part, which was really enjoying some female bonding and didn't care. "Let's face it, it was sex. Of which poor Quisty doesn't usually get much."

"Oh, Quis, that's not fair," said Rinoa. "You deserve lots and lots. With lovely men."

"Thank you, Rinonan… ona," said Quistis. "You're a real friend."

"You too," said Rinoa, with a little smile. Quistis _really_ letting her hair down was a welcome and unexpected result of their celebration in Zell's honour. 

"Okaay," said Selphie. "So, Rinoa. Your turn."

"Oh, gods, do I have to?" 

"Of course you do. Come on, who do you want to ask the questions, me or Quis?"

__

Great choice. Very drunk Quistis or very wicked Selphie. This can't end well.

"Quistis," said Rinoa, hoping that Quistis was either too far gone to ask anything awkward, or still in enough control of herself to refrain from sensitive topics. 

"Oh, goody," said Quistis. "OK, you draw first. I call fire and water."

"I'll take ice and earth," said Rinoa. "Anything else is a draw, right? No questions?"

"Or one each," added Selphie.

"Right." Rinoa looked at the pile of cards on the bed in front of them, willing herself to draw a winner. She flipped over a small stack. "Oh, fuck. Ifrit."

"Fire!" yelled Quistis. "Plus, Guardian! That means you have to answer three questions!"

"But," added Selphie, "you get to keep the card if we're happy with your answers. _And,_" as if Rinoa needed reminding, "that's gotta be the card Squall most wants in the whole world."

"Oh crap," Rinoa reached for the wine bottle, resigned to her fate.

"Goody!" Quistis clapped her hands. "I get to ask!"

"Go on then," said Rinoa. "I know what you're going to ask."

"Betcha don't."

Rinoa tipped her head to one side. "Really?"

"I'm going to ask…" Quistis paused, building the tension a little, "does Squall have any piercings?"

"Oh Quisty!" exclaimed Selphie, "that is sooo lame!"

Rinoa grinned. "Yes," she said.

"Where?"

"Quisty, no! That's another question!"

"In his ear," said Rinoa, triumphantly.

"Anywhere el…" Selphie cut Quistis off, clapping a hand over her mouth. She whispered urgently in her ear. "Oh, I see," murmured Quistis conspiratorially. "I hadn't thought of that."

Rinoa glared at Selphie.

"My third question," said Quistis carefully, "is this. Um… hang on a minute…" she had a short whispered conference with an animated Selphie."

"Guys! That's cheating!" protested Rinoa. "It's Quisty's question, not yours Selph!"

"Sorry Rinonanona," said Quistis. "My third question is, " Selphie prodded her in the ribs, "oh, yes, my third question, which requires a _full_ response, no numerical ratings or one word replies allowed, my third question is… what's Squall like in bed?"

Rinoa screamed and hit Selphie with a pillow. "No fair! You put her up to it!"

"Aw, c'mon, Rin," wheedled Selphie, "this is for _my_ Ifrit card. Think of how much it'll mean to Squall if you take this little baby home for him."

Rinoa considered. "Think how much he'll kill me if he ever finds out I was talking about him like this," she pointed out.

"We'll never tell," promised Selphie, "this is just us girls. Isn't that right, Quis?"

"Cross my heart," said Quistis, almost seriously. "I mean, I 'fessed up, didn't I, about Graduation night. And my man with the silly bitebug tattoo. I don't know what you're worried about, Squall is gorgeous, after all. Not embarrassing at all."

"And Ifrit, Rin," tempted Selphie, "I mean, _Ifrit. _Squall's very own favourite Guardian's card. How can you refuse?"

Rinoa looked from one pleading face to the other. "Oh, alright," she said. "He's great in bed."

"Uhuh," Selphie waggled her finger disapprovingly. "No one-worders. We want a frank and girly account. With examples and, if necessary," she winked at Rinoa, "diagrams."

Rinoa looked longingly at the Ifrit card in front of her. 

"He's… hot, really, really hot. I don't think he knows how hot he is. He's intense and…"

"Yes, yes, we know that," said Quistis dismissively. "But what's he fuck like?"

Selphie and Rinoa turned to look at Quistis in surprise.

"What?" she said innocently, in the face of their startled expressions.

"Um… nothing," said Rinoa. "Not used to the more… direct Quistis, I guess."

Quistis shrugged. "Just being clear," she said, with a wave of her hand. "Not a problem," she added, for no apparent reason.

"Well, what do you want to know?" asked Rinoa, cautiously.

"How about you tell us about the first time you did it," suggested Selphie. "In the closet at your graduation, wasn't it?"

Rinoa shook her head. 

"After that? The night before we came here?"

She shook her head again. "Before," she said. "In the Fire Cavern, after my test."

Selphie squealed with delight. "WOOHOO! Go Rinoa!"

"Yes," said Quistis, "woohoo. Is there more wine, Selph… oh yes, here it is…"

"Now," Selphie sidled up to Rinoa and put an arm around her shoulders. "Let's start at the beginning, shall we? And make sure you don't leave anything out…"

* * * * * * *

"Come on Squall. It's my birthday. You're not drinking fast enough."

"Leave me alone," protested Squall, mildly, "I've got responsibilities."

Zell pulled a face. "It won't hurt just once for you to have a good time," he said. "I'm not asking you to get paralytic. Just loosen up a little. Enjoy yourself."

Squall looked to Irvine for a bit of back up, but none was forthcoming. His friend simply passed him another beer. "Just drink, Squall. You know he won't give up."

Squall sighed. "I'm going to regret this in the morning," he said.

"You can always cure yourself," said Zell. "After all, the Quistis police isn't here."

"And we won't let you do anything you might regret," said Irvine.

Squall gave Irvine a look that left him without a shred of a doubt that Squall in no way trusted him to live up to that promise.

"What you would regret, and what I would regret, are very different things," he said, darkly.

Irvine grinned, hooking one leg over the arm of his chair. "Just drink your beer, Commander," he said. "And let's play cards."

* * * * * * *

"I can't believe you did that, Rin," exclaimed Selphie in delight. "Right in the middle of the Fire Cavern? You just leapt on him and shagged him?"

Rinoa nodded, with a smile.

"How come you didn't fall over?" frowned Quistis.

Rinoa shrugged. "Just good balance, I guess. And working out every day for three years. And we did kind of fall over, afterwards."

"So?" Selphie asked, her head on one side, "how was it? Was he good?"

"He was perfect," grinned Rinoa. "It was just the best. I suppose it was bound to be, because it was Squall, and I'd wanted him for the longest time, but as well as that, I'd not realised how much I missed sex. Until I kissed Irvine, I think. That made me so damn horny, maybe I realised if I didn't get Squall soon I was going to go crazy with lust and do something foolish."

"Irvine has that effect on people," said Selphie, a somewhat wistful look in her eyes.

"Mmm," said Rinoa.

"Yep," said Quistis.

"You're kidding!" Riona and Selphie said in unison.

"What, so I'm supposed to be immune to him, is that it? Just because I'm Quistis. That's so unfair."

"No," said Rinoa, soothingly, "not at all. Just… I never knew he was your type."

"Well, of course he isn't," said Quistis. "Not my _type. _I just look at him sometimes and… want to rip all his clothes off and jump his bones, is all."

"Good gods, Quistis."

"So why haven't you bagged him yet, Selphie?" Quistis asked. "I mean, he's been throwing himself at you for years. What're you making him wait for?"

Selphie hesitated for a moment. "I'm not," she said. "It's not going to happen."

"What?" cried Quistis in surprise. Rinoa kept quiet, watching Selphie carefully.

"I don't want him," she said. "Not in that way." 

"Why in Hyne's name not?" said Quistis. "You've been flirting practically since the day you met."

"I know. It's just… he's cool with it, and everything. I just don't want a relationship with him, not like that."

"But he loves you!" exclaimed Quistis, dramatically. "It's tragic!"

"Hardly," said Selphie. "Like I said, he's cool about it. No tragedy. Just one of those things. Come on, you said yourself he wasn't your type. He's just not mine, either."

Quistis didn't answer. There was a pause.

"Selph," said Rinoa, "you've got someone else, haven't you?"

"What? No of course not," Selphie looked suspiciously guilty. 

"Then who gave you that hickie?"

"Oh." Selphie clapped her hand over her neck. She'd forgotten about that.

"I don't feel well," announced Quistis.

"Uhoh," said Rinoa. She slithered off Selphie's bed, pulling Quistis to her feet. "Shall we go to the bathroom?"

Selphie let out her breath slowly. _Narrow escape._

Quistis was looking very pale and a little green. She managed to stand for a moment, then collapsed forwards onto Rinoa's bed. "There's Elixir in my bag," said Quistis into the bedclothes, "make me feel better."

Selphie and Rinoa exchanged glances. 

"She does have to be in charge tomorrow," said Rinoa. "She'll need her wits about her."

Selphie nodded. "All the same, Elixir… hang on," she paused for a moment as she junctioned Tonberry. _~Esuna~_

Quistis blinked as the magic washed over her. "Wha…"

__

~Cura~

"No! No, not a … Selphie, what d'you do that for?"

"I didn't want you throwing up on Rin's bed," said Selphie, "or mine, for that matter. You got a bit pissed, Quistis."

Quistis looked mortified, suddenly and appallingly sober. "How long have we been here? What time is it? I don't remember much after the … second bottle…"

Rinoa checked her watch. "Well, we came back from dinner at eight, and it's two-twenty in the morning now," she said.

"Oh fuck," said Quistis. "We've got to go to bed. We have a mission tomorrow. I'm so sorry," said Quistis. "I don't usually…"

"It's OK," said Rinoa. "Don't fret, Quis. Just get yourself off to bed."

Quistis got up. "You mustn't stay up too late," she said. "It's really important, tomorrow and…" she collected her bag and sweater from the end of Selphie's bed, "oh, I'm so sorry. I feel such an idiot."

"Just go to bed, Quis. It'll be fine," soothed Selphie, yawning.

"Well," Quistis opened the door, "alright then. Goodnight."

"'Night Quisty."

As soon as she'd gone Rinoa and Selphie collapsed in fits of giggles.

* * * * * * *

"Two girls _and_ a guy?" Zell stared at Irvine. "You are such a slut."

"What did you do with the cucumber?" asked Squall, frowning through his fringe.

"That's a secret I'll take to the grave," said Irvine. "Except to say: it was more fun than you would think."

"I feel really pathetic and boring," said Zell, "I haven't done anything like that at all. I'm not sure I could handle more than one person at a time."

"Don't knock it 'til you've tried it," said Irvine. "After all, it's just pleasure." He gave Zell one of his most seductive looks, just so he could enjoy the look of panic that crossed his face before he realised he was being teased.

"What about you, Squall?" Zell asked, looking for a bit of support.

"What about what?" 

"Have you ever done anything… unusual?"

Squall shrugged. "Depends what you think of as unusual," he said enigmatically. 

This was more of a titbit than Zell was expecting. He grinned at Irvine.

"Okay," said Irvine. "You tell us what you've done, and we'll tell you if it's unusual."

Squall looked alarmed, as if he'd just realised he'd been tempted into a particularly deadly trap.

"Oh, nothing," he said. "Is there any more beer?"

Zell and Irvine both passed him another bottle.

"Thanks," said Squall. "What?" realising they were looking expectantly at him.

"Come on," said Zell. "You can't tease us like that."

"It's just… you know. Stuff." He knew they weren't going to leave him alone. He poured a generous slug of beer down his throat. "I did have two girls at once, one time. Seifer dared me. I could never say no to Seifer."

It took him a while to realise why this convulsed Irvine and Zell with laughter.

He silenced them with a look.

"Sorry," said Zell. "Go on."

"That was it, really."

"What was it like?" Zell persisted.

"It was good. Fun. In an empty, silly sort of way."

"I had no idea," said Zell. "I always thought you were… well, alone."

"I was. It was never relationships. Just sex."

Irvine watched him from under his long lashes, silent.

"And that was years ago? Before…"

"Yeah. Back in the days when Seifer and I used to beat each other up without actually trying to kill each other. I suppose I always envied how well he got along with women, so I really did it more for the challenge than anything. Gods, I was a bastard back then." He gulped at his beer. "But the sex was good. After that there was Ultimecia, and Rinoa, and it all got more complicated."

"As far as you remember," said Zell. "That's always the bummer, isn't it? I mean, I wonder sometimes, those years before we found out what Guardians do to your memories, what if there's stuff we still haven't remembered?"

"I think most of it comes back," said Irvine. "Like… if you come across a place, or a certain smell or taste… sometimes a dream…"

"Yeah," said Zell. "When I remembered Ma adopting me, it happened like that."

"Gods, I hope not, the dreams I've been having lately." 

Squall realised he'd thought that aloud. _Bollocks. Just when they were leaving me alone. Why do I drink when I know it opens my mouth too much?_

Irvine and Zell waited, expectantly.

"It's just dreams," said Squall. "They don't mean anything."

"What kind of dreams? Gross dreams? Cool dreams?"

"Um… kind of hot, really. Fooling around sort of dreams. Only, not the sort of thing I'd usually do. With… people I wouldn't normally… um."

"Anyone in particular?" asked Irvine, casually.

Squall's eyes met his briefly, then flickered down to the table. 

"No," he lied.

"What sort of things?" asked Zell.

"I really don't want to talk about this," said Squall. "Can we drop it?"

"Sorry," said Zell. "Only… just curious."

"It's no big deal," said Irvine. "Most people have weird dreams of one kind or another." Squall felt Irvine's violet eyes watching him with a disturbing intensity. He concentrated on peeling the label off his beer bottle, head down so that as much of his hair as possible fell across his face.

"I have that kind of dream all the time," said Zell. "Let's face it, it's the only sex life I have at the moment," he added, sadly. "Which isn't surprising. The only women I ever meet are either completely uninterested in me or students."

"Is it the end of the world?" Irvine couldn't help asking, "if you shag one of your students?"

"Oh yes," said Zell. "Xu would sack me, for sure. And anyhow, it's not a good idea. The age gap, first off, and… it's a trust thing, isn't it?"

"I guess," said Irvine. "Still, it must be tempting, sometimes?"

"Not really. You just don't see them that way. Wouldn't be right, really."

"What if you weren't an instructor?" Irvine regretted the words as soon as he'd uttered them, scared of giving too much away, but Zell didn't notice anything untoward.

"Still the same rules, isn't it? That would be the 'don't let Dincht get laid' rule. And 'sides, I like teaching."

"More than sex?" teased Irvine.

Zell gave him a look. "Can't you say reassuring things instead, like 'oh, sex isn't everything?', or 'you're right, you should concentrate on your career first'?"

"We wouldn't lie to you," said Irvine. 

"Sex is damn fine," said Squall, straight faced.

"You guys are no help," Zell shook his head sadly.

"Seeing as it's your birthday," said Irvine, "I tell you what. As soon as this thing with the Dia is sorted out, I'll take you to Galbadia for a weekend on the pull. It'll change your world view, I promise."

"If you're not too old by then," said Squall glumly. "It's taking for ever to get to the bottom of those fucking crystals, and Risha and Gemini Pandora and…."

"Nonononono!" Zell interrupted him. "No work. Not tonight. We promised."

"Too right," said Irvine. "Shut up, Squall, or we'll start asking you about your dreams again."

"We're supposed to be playing cards," said Zell. "Irvine just beat me so he gets to play you next."

Squall raised his head, a steely glint in his eyes and a dangerous smile on his lips.

"Oh yes, I'd almost forgotten. We have some unfinished business, don't we?"

"Do we?" asked Irvine mildly.

"_Doomtrain," _Squall growled.

__

~Yes, Lionhart?~

Squall nearly fell off his chair.

__

~No, sorry, I didn't mean… I don't need you. Thanks.~

~As you wish.~

He focused back on the outside world to see Irvine smirking at him.

"You junctioned by mistake, didn't you?" he chuckled. 

"Shut up, Kinneas," snarled Squall, "I've got a card game to win."

* * * * * * *

Rinoa lay in bed, listening to the regular sound of Selphie's breathing from across the room. The moonlight was casting unfamiliar patterns over the ceiling, shimmering as the gauze curtain moved in the breeze.

She considered getting out of bed and going for a walk, but she didn't want to wake Selphie. They'd get little enough sleep as it was. She turned onto her side, wishing Angelo was there to comfort her. Or Squall… 

Her longing came in a rush, as though concentrated by fact that she'd been too busy to miss him until now. The memory of lying in his arms the night before last, the smell of his hair, the warmth of his body next to hers… 

__

And what if? What if I don't come back? What if he was right about Gemini, and it's dangerous even if I don't junction? Or what if something happens to him while I'm away? She started to cry, hating herself for the weakness, but unable to shake herself out of gloomy self-pity.

The bed dipped as Selphie sat on it.

"You OK, Rin?"

Rinoa looked up at her, eyes bleary with tears. "I'm OK," she said, in a small voice. "Just… oh, I don't know."

"Move over," said Selphie, pulling back the covers, "it's cold out here."

Rinoa obediently shuffled over to let Selphie in. The sheets were cold on the other side of the bed, but Selphie's body was reassuringly warm, and the enormous old T-shirt she wore was soft and comforting. They lay facing each other, Selphie's arm pleasantly heavy across her waist. "I'm sorry if I woke you up, Selph," she said.

"I wasn't asleep," said Selphie. "What's up?"

"Just stupid thoughts," said Rinoa. "I woke up, with this strangest feeling that I wouldn't be going back to Garden. After the mission."

"You're just tired, sweatpea. Don't worry."

"And I miss Angelo, and Squall." 

"I know."

"I'm being a real wimp, aren't I?"

"No. You're just human. I bet Angelo and Squall are missing you, too. And Irvine, and Zell. We're not apart very often, are we? And it always feels wrong when we are."

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if one of us… didn't come back?"

"No," said Selphie. "Because it ain't gonna happen." She kissed Rinoa's forehead. "Now stop thinking like that. Think of something nice. Like… what you're gonna do to Squall when you get back."

Rinoa gave a little chuckle. "I can think of a thing or two," she said.

"Good. Just keep thinking those thoughts, and the other kind will go away."

"What about you?"

"I don't think I should be thinking about Squall, do you?"

"No, probably not. But you are thinking of someone, aren't you? I was right, before?"

There was a pause.

"Yes," she whispered.

Rinoa could just about make out the expression on Selphie's face in the moonlight. Confessional. Worried, even. Strangely serious, for Selphie.

"Who is it, Selph? Why haven't you said anything?"

"It's complicated."

Rinoa laughed softly. "Isn't it always?" She reached out a hand, stroked Selphie's hair. "You can tell me, Selph. Let me help."

"It's Xu."

"What about Xu?"

"No, I mean it _is_ Xu. The person," she took a deep breath, "my lover." _ My sweetheart._

Rinoa's fingers paused for a moment in their stroking, then continued.

"Oh."

"You're not going to freak on me, are you Rin?"

"Of course not, silly. It's just … unexpected, is all. I mean, all the stuff with Irvine and… I had no idea you were gay. And I thought I knew you so well. It's just a shock."

"I think I'm bi, actually," said Selphie. "I did really like Irvine, and we did… there was one time, in Esthar… and it was good. Very. But I go more for a person than a gender, and I just fell in love with Xu. Simple as that."

"When? I mean, how long…"

"Not long after Ultimecia. Nearly two years."

"Two _years_! But you can't keep a secret for ten minutes! How… why haven't you told us?"

"Well, at first it was part of the fun, having a secret. It was nice to have part of my life that wasn't to do with battles, and missions and history," Selphie's voice was quiet, clear in the still of the night. "Then later, it was Irvine, mostly. He has to work with Xu a lot, and he'd be devastated. I know I said he was cool about nothing happening between us, but I know it hurts him. I don't want to rub his nose in it, Rin."

"Selphie, you can't hide forever. And besides… Irvine needs to get over you. Maybe it would actually help if he knew you had someone else. He would stop hoping, be able to move on."

"Well, maybe, except now it's been so long… how would I explain why I didn't tell before? I've lied to him all this time."

"Oh Selphie. I wish you'd told me before." 

"You know, when you came and told me about your snog in the quad I kinda hoped you guys might have got together. It would've made things a lot easier. And you are good together."

"Sure, but only as friends. Irvine's great and very sexy, but I've always been in love with Squall."

Selphie sighed. "I know. It was just… it would've made things easier for me. Gods, that's selfish, isn't it?"

"Promise me you'll tell him, when we get back? The longer you leave it, the worse it'll get."

"It's so hard to find the words. What do you say? 'By the way, cowboy, sorry to completely break your heart, but I'm in love with the Head of Garden and you'll just have to work with her all the time, planning operations and missions, knowing she's been rolling in the hay with me when you can't?'"

"Would it have been different if it'd been a man?"

"Only in that no man would have kept it secret all this time. Xu's been brilliant."

Rinoa wasn't too sure about that. It seemed to her that a bit of solid advice about honesty among friends might have been more appropriate. But she didn't say anything.

"I know you're right," Selphie gave Rinoa a hug. "Will you help me tell him? When we get back? Just be there for him? He'll need someone to talk to."

"Of course, Selphie. Don't worry. It'll be fine, promise."

"I wish, sometimes, that he would just… find out. That Ether would notice something and tell him, or even that he'd walk in on us. Anything so we wouldn't have to have that conversation."

"Oh, Selphie…"

"I know. Coward, coward, coward." Selphie yawned. "I've even written him letters. But I never posted them." Her eyes were starting to close.

"You sleepy, Selph?"

Selphie nodded. "Can I stay here, Rin? I could really do with someone to hold."

"'Course," Rinoa put her arms around her friend and pulled her close. "I need someone too."

"Thank you," said Selphie, gratefully sinking into Rinoa's embrace. "It will be OK, won't it?"

"It'll be OK. We'll sort it out just as soon as we get back."

__

If I do get back, thought Rinoa, as she snuggled into Selphie's warm body and tried to sleep.

* * * * * * *

Squall lay in bed, unable to stop thinking. He kept remembering the rainbows in Rinoa's eyes when she'd subdued Gemini, and the fear and emptiness in Risha's. He worried about Xu, and Irvine, trying to figure out why two of the calmest, most easy going people in his world were suddenly at each other's throats. But mostly he worried about Rinoa, wishing he hadn't sent her away, especially without taking more time to check out her new Guardians first. It was taking all his willpower to stop him just getting in a car and going to find her; but he knew she wouldn't want that. In fact she'd probably never forgive him.

He tried to think of other things. Rinoa, in the Fire Cavern, kissing him and writhing against him; the look in her eyes when he gave her back his ring; the wonderful moment in the closet at the graduation party, when she took his erection in her soft, wet mouth… 

He slid a hand down under the covers to touch himself, soothing and familiar. Usually he was quick and functional about masturbation: not really comfortable with indulging himself, just a means of physical release… but Rinoa had awoken a sensuality he didn't realise he had in him. The pleasure they shared was becoming a need, and although the memory of her was a poor substitute for having her in his arms, it still made him feel alive, _loved._ It somehow didn't seem right to rush things, to use his memories of her just to get off. 

He remembered how it felt when she'd done this to him, how she'd _looked_ at him, warm brown eyes challenging him, turning him on just as much as her touch. He wanted her so, so much… he wondered what it felt like for her, when she touched him, remembered touching Irvine, the contradiction of hot, hard flesh and soft, cool skin, and Rinoa in the closet at the party, sinking down his body setting his body on fire… 

Her name escaped from his lips as he came, throbbing release rushing through him, blanking his mind.

He lay panting, his eyes fluttered open, focused on the ceiling. Something nagged at his mind, a memory, a dream… but his body was relaxed enough, for once, to overpower his mind, and he fell asleep.

* * * * * * *

Squall dreamed, lying on his back, his body soft and relaxed, one arm across his stomach, fingers curling slightly, twitching every now and then…

__

He was back in the Orphanage with the others, they'd gone to help Edea and Cid rebuild after Ultimecia. His old room was just as it used to be, however, not the ruin it had become. He saw his bed, where he'd cried himself to sleep over Ellone so many times, Zell's, next to his and Seifer's and one other opposite. Through a doorway was the girls' room, and Selphie was there, with Rinoa. Rinoa held Selphie in her arms, rocking her gently back and forth, whispering into her hair. She shooed him away, and he retreated obediently to the boys' room, to find Irvine waiting for him, lying on Squall's bed, his ponytail hanging over one shoulder, violet eyes intense, burning into Squall, stripping him bare, seeing every secret, every worry, every hope he'd ever felt. He'd never felt so exposed, so revealed, but at the same time relieved, the need for guilty secrets gone, and he almost revelled in the freedom of honesty.

Then he was in Irvine's arms, tears rolling down his cheeks as fast as Irvine could kiss them away. Someone was missing, he was grieving for someone, but he couldn't name them. Irvine soothed and comforted him, wrapping him up in his limbs, cushioning his pain with his familiar, warm body.

Later, they stripped and got into bed, and Irvine bid him lie still, watching him with a softer gaze this time, more calming blue than searing purple, licking Squall's skin with his wide, wet tongue, across his chest, pausing to lash his nipples before moving down, across Squall's quivering belly.

"You want this, Lionhart? Is this what you want? Do you want Sniper?"

Squall hesitated, confused. "I want … Rinoa…"

"You can have both. You want enough for both. They want enough for both."

"I don't know, I…"

"Want. Need. Take."

"But…"

"You want Sniper, Lionhart? Sniper, and Sorceress, and Lionhart?"

"Yes," whispered Squall. "Yes, I want… you… both…"

There was a noise halfway between a sigh and a victory cry, and Squall closed his eyes as Irvine kissed him.

"You taste good, Lionhart. You taste of courage and strength and love… so much love…"

~Want. Need. Take.~

"Irvine. Please."

"Are you sure?"

It was as if it were for the first time.

"Yes. I need you to… I need… you…"

"Shhh, babe, don't worry. I'll be gentle. I'm always gentle. We are slow to anger, quick to love."

And Irvine was, watching Squall with eyes filled not just with his usual irresistible lust but with affection, care, love. He bent down and took Squall's mouth in a kiss that stole his breath, all lips and tongue and warmth. Squall felt happily powerless, surrendering himself to Irvine completely, accepting pleasure given so freely, so lovingly. Uke.

Afterwards they lay on Squall's long-destroyed bed, quivering in the aftershock, bestowing a frenzy of kisses on each others' faces, precious, intense gestures, tiny raindrops, perfectly formed and instantly lost in the ocean.

***************************************************************

__

Author's note: OK, sorry to disappoint anyone who was hoping for some Rinoa/Selphie slash there… I'll confess I thought about it but the plot won in the end.

Hope Squall & the dream sequence made up for it :)

It was a close call though - I'd welcome any opinions/advice on the balance of smut and plot in the story, (this version and/ or the full one on my website). Or opinions on any other aspects of the story, of course ^_~ 


	15. Mission

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

There's a reference to Eden here that was inspired by gwendolyn-flight's story The Hollow, which comes highly_ recommended, by the way :)_

If you've got time to drop by my website (www.scribblemoose.co.uk) you can vote for your favourite pairing to appear in a special Solstice fic on 21st December. 

Go on, vote early, vote often ;) 

************************************************************

****

Chapter 15 - Mission

Rinoa woke to the sound of Selphie singing in the shower, such a pleasantly domestic noise that she forgot for a moment that she was miles from home, about to embark on the first mission of her professional SeeD career.

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and sat up, pushing her hair out of her eyes with a yawn. She straightened the chain around her neck, Squall's ring nestling in it's customary place on her breastbone, the faintest glow of magic running through it as it settled against her skin.

The sound of the shower stopped and Selphie emerged, clad in an enormous, fluffy white towel. 

"Mornin' Rin. How you doing?"

"Hey, Selph, OK thanks. Excited. You?"

"Oh yeah. I can't wait to hear what Quistis has to say about last night, though."

"Poor Quistis. At least she won't have the hangover she would've."

"We could blackmail her, you know. Threaten to tell the whole Garden that a) she got drunk and b) she was going to take an Elixir to get over it!"

Rinoa laughed. "Maybe we ought to save that one just in case we need a favour one day."

"Which could be today," said Selphie, checking her watch as she strapped it to her wrist. "Breakfast's in ten minutes, we'd better get a move on."

That galvanised Rinoa into action, gathering clothes and towels in her arms on her way to the shower. 

"By the way, Rin," said Selphie, pulling her dress over her head, "thanks for last night. I didn't know how much I wanted to tell someone about Xu. And thanks for being so good about it, not freaking out."

"That's OK," said Rinoa. "Do you… um … still want me to help you tell Irvine?"

Selphie nodded, grimacing slightly. "Could you? I know I have to, but I really, really don't want to. I can't bear the idea of hurting him. I just want him to know, kind of without me actually doing the telling part."

"It'll be fine. Don't worry." And Rinoa's voice faded into the shower, leaving Selphie alone with her thoughts.

* * * * * * *

Frila noticed straight away that there was something different about Squall. He looked tired, shadows under his smoky grey eyes, but while tiredness made normal people slower than usual, it just seemed to make Squall pissed off and more deadly than ever. 

Within a couple of minutes she was out of breath and flat on her back, Lionheart's tip at her throat. Again.

"Fuck," she squeaked. "It's gonna be a while before this gets easier, huh?"

This time yesterday she might have got something like a smile out of him. No such luck today.

"You don't concentrate," he said. "You're too excitable."

She chewed her lower lip, trying to fight back a reply she knew would get her into trouble. As usual she lost the fight. "You're in a real mean mood today," she said.

Squall looked a little startled, then just mad. "My mood doesn't have anything to do with it, Alfryd," he snapped. "Most people who try to kill you won't be in a good mood."

There was something reasonable about that argument. "Sorry," she said, accepting his outstretched hand and pulling herself up.

"You need to get more focus," he explained. "Have you ever done any meditation? Tai chi? Anything like that?"

She shook her head. "I don't do so well with sitting still for long," she admitted. "Restless soul, my father used to say."

"I'd like you to do some work with Captain Kinneas," he said.

She swallowed hard. _Oh yeah, that's really gonna calm me down._

"Do I really have to… I mean, my timetable's pretty full and I'm sure he's a busy man…"

"Yes," said Squall simply, and a little angrily. "You do. And you have an hour tomorrow, straight after I've seen you. That'll do for a start. I'll just ask him to go over the basics with you."

She winced slightly. "OK. Um… unless there's a class I can join, or something?"

Squall frowned. "No," he said, "not at the moment. Besides, he's knows his stuff better than the instructors here. Galbadia specialises in that kind of thing, like Balamb specialises in Guardians and parapsych. You're lucky to have him teach you."

"Yes, I know. That's what I was thinking. You know, he must have better things to do with his time and all..."

"No, that's OK." The tone of his voice made it clear that the subject was closed. "Now, let's get back to work. And this time try not to fall over."

* * * * * * *

Irvine arrived back from a rather pleasant walk with Angelo to find Squall sitting on the wall outside the entrance to Garden, gazing into the distance.

"Hey."

"Hey, Irvine. Angelo OK?"

"All the better for chasing a few chocobos. How about you?"

Squall shrugged.

"Still worried, huh?"

"Didn't sleep too good. Too many dreams. I just want her back, Irvine, to know she's safe."

"She'll be fine. You know, these dreams you've been having…"

Squall glared at him. "Don't fucking start," he warned.

Irvine suppressed a smile. "I was just going to say, I've been dreaming a lot too. More than usual. Wondered if it was anything to do with the forgetting? You know, the beach and everything?

"Oh. I don't think so. I think I've got a lot on my mind. We both have, I guess; I know that whole thing with Risha wasn't easy for you, and I just hate not knowing what's going on."

"Yeah, well. We'll see. How is Risha?"

"The same. Xu wanted to see you, by the way. She wants to reschedule next week's crystal missions."

"Alrighty. I'll go straight on up. Hey, you'll never guess who mailed me this morning?"

"Probably not." As a rule Squall didn't do guessing.

"Zephyr! From Galbadia… you know, he took over the gun training after Ultimecia. We were in class together," Irvine grinned, "among other places."

"Oh. The cucumber incident?" Squall raised an eyebrow.

"The very same. Although it was Duck who was mostly responsible for the cucumber itself."

"Duck?"

"His girlfriend. They're in Balamb at the moment," said Irvine, wistfully. "It's their anniversary."

"I dread to think what of," muttered Squall. "You going to visit?"

Irvine shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be fair. Not with everything that's going on here. Anyway, I'm a reformed character these days."

"You could just go and say hello," Squall suggested. "For half an hour. Friends are important."

Irvine grinned. "Thanks," he said. "But it wouldn't be a good idea. Temptation and all. And you might need me here."

"Whatever. You're a free man. Oh, but I do need you tomorrow morning, about 7am, gunblade training hall."

"Sure. What for?"

"I need you to calm Frila down some."

If Squall noticed the look of panic that crossed Irvine's face he didn't show it.

"Why? What's she upset about?"

"Not upset. Just a bit hyper. She just needs some of your trademark chill-out techniques. Help her focus."

"Really? You sure? She's not got too much on already?"

Squall flashed him an impatient look. "Yes, I'm sure. Shit, what is it with you two? She wasn't exactly keen, either."

__

Anyone else would have taken that observation to the next logical level, thought Irvine, _and I would've been in trouble. But not Squall._

"Oh, I'm keen as mustard, Commander. Just make sure you don't overwork her, is all. She's only a kid."

"I'm sure an hour with you won't push her over the edge."

__

Don't count on it, thought Irvine. "OK," he said. "I'd better go and report to Xu. Let me know if… well, if you hear anything from the girls, yeah?"

Squall nodded. "Hopefully we won't. If it all goes as it should."

"In which case I'll see you dinner time," said Irvine, and after giving him a comforting squeeze on the shoulder, left Squall to his brooding.

* * * * * * *

"Ooooh, technology," chirped Selphie, rummaging in the case Quistis had left open on the back seat of the car. "Toys!" 

"Be careful, Selphie, that's delicate equipment."

"It's way cool, that's what it is. Look, Rin, teeny tiny cameras."

"Yes, Selph. Lovely. Now, shall we get on?"

"Make sure your wire's in place," said Quistis sternly. "I need to keep in radio contact with you, remember. And _please_ try to concentrate."

"Yes Quisty," Selphie muttered, secreting various pieces of equipment about her small person.

"Rin, you remember the schematics, right?" Quistis' voice was thin and pained this morning, her face pale, and she was distinctly tetchy.

"I remember," Rinoa replied. "We take the third tunnel on the left, enter the underfloor maintenance duct, which takes us to the labs, then we wait until the lab's empty, if it isn't already, which it should be because the Dia are nocturnal, and then we plant the cameras in two different labs and leave."

"Don't forget, you can talk to me all the while you're in the duct, but not in the labs. From what Edea told us their security system isn't up to much, but please don't take any risks. Look out for sound sensors, they're very sensitive to sound, not so good with the eyes."

"OK," said Selphie. "Come on, Rin, let's get this over with and see if we can't get back to the boys by bed-time, eh?"

Rinoa nodded, and they headed towards the grate.

Selphie went first, helping Rinoa as she jumped down after her. They set off down the tunnel in silence, stooping at first, but quickly having to crawl on hands and knees as the passage got narrower. 

"Turning, there," whispered Rinoa.

The maintenance ducts were even narrower than the tunnels, barely roomy enough for Rinoa to crawl through. She fought claustrophobia, breathing the stale air as deeply as she dared to keep her mind clear of panic. Then Selphie stopped in front of her. "It's the lab," she whispered. "I can see a light."

"Quistis," Rinoa murmured into her microphone, "did you hear that."

"Yes," came Quistis' voice in her ear. "The probe doesn't show any signs of life, you should be clear to enter. Be careful."

Selphie shuffled a little further along, until Rinoa could see the cross-hatched pattern of the vent into a room. Light spilled out into the duct ahead of them.

"I'm gonna take a look," said Selphie, crawling so her face was pressed up against the vent.

Rinoa waited. 

"Empty," Selphie reported. "No sign of any security. Just loads of science stuff. Let's go."

"Let me know when you're back out," said Quistis. "Good luck."

Selphie carefully unscrewed the vent and shuffled through the tiny opening into the room beyond. Rinoa followed, getting a spell ready as she pulled her body through the narrow gap.

__

~Silence~ 

The room was huge, rows upon rows of benches, jars and tubes and beakers everywhere, like some mad professor's lab. There was one door, in the opposite corner, an eerie pink light oozing under the crack at the bottom. No sign of any crystals, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. They worked quickly, planting cameras and audio recorders, waiting all the time for any sign they'd been detected, but none came.

Finally they approached the door. The light made Rinoa nervous, but a quick scan spell didn't reveal any signs of life from the other side.

She felt Gemini start to hum, unjunctioned but undeniably present. She froze.

__

~Sorceress.~

~Gemini.~

~This place is evil. You are not safe.~

She didn't know what to do, all of a sudden. The impassive voice in her head was insistent and hard to ignore, but Squall had been so clear that she shouldn't junction Gemini…

__

~You are in danger, Sorceress.~

~Is it the light? The next room?~

~I cannot answer. I need to be with you if I am to answer.~

And then it was too late; while Rinoa had been focused on what was going on inside her head, Selphie had opened the door and was already on her way into the room beyond.

Rinoa held her breath.

It took a while to get used to the strange light, which seemed to be emanating from an alcove in the far corner, lined with beautiful pink and purple crystals. There was a door next to the alcove.

And it was opening.

* * * * * * *

Irvine took a deep breath and knocked sharply on the door to Xu's office. 

"Come in," came Xu's steady voice.

Xu was leaning over the big meeting table under the window, rearranging piles of paper into other piles of paper. She looked up as Irvine entered, but her smile wasn't reflected in her eyes, and she swiftly focused her gaze back on the work in front of her.

"Squall said you needed me," said Irvine. "Rescheduling?"

"Oh. Yes. We need to rethink our collection strategy."

"Sure. What can I do?"

"I want to send out some teams without Guardians. They'll obviously have to be good squads, full SeeDs with experience of this kind of work. They'll need special training, I thought you could help with that." 

"Why without Guardians? Have you made some progress on the crystals, then?"

"No. It's just a hunch, that's all."

"Xu…" Irvine tried to keep his voice neutral, "are you really thinking of sending people out into the field without Guardians on a _hunch_?"

She flashed an angry look at him. "Are you questioning my decision, Captain Kinneas?"

There was a long, silent moment. Irvine tried to work out what was happening, but her face gave little away, except that she was plainly still mad at him, and maybe a little afraid, although there was no telling what of. 

"Xu, what's all this about?" Irvine reached out a hand to her shoulder, but she wrenched herself away from him as if his touch were poison. "Have I done something? Tell me, please. I really don't want to fall out with you."

She fixed her eyes on the paper in front of her. "It's not about anything. I just don't like your attitude very much, and I guess I'm under more strain than usual, so I can't hide it as well as I might otherwise. So it's best if we keep this completely professional."

"What's wrong with my attitude?" Irvine tried to keep the defensiveness out of his voice, but it was hard.

"I really don't want to discuss it. Now, can we get back to work?"

"If you want. But I still don't think it's a good idea to send SeeDs out without Guardians unless we've got good evidence."

She picked up the nearest pile of reports and shuffled them irritably. Irvine realised they were copies of SeeD journals; he was suddenly distracted by the feeling that they had the memories of the whole Garden laid out in front of them, neatly bound and categorised. It wasn't a pleasant thought, somehow.

"I think the Guardians might be feeding off the crystals," Xu said. "I think they're attracted to them, and they keep whoever they're junctioned with as close to them as long as they can. Then they delete whatever memories there might be to give the game away. I can't prove it, but it would explain what happened to Squall and Rinoa, and to you all down at the beach."

"Yes," said Irvine, "I guess. Except we don't know what happened, do we? It could be that the crystals feed of the Guardians, for all we know. Or off us."

"Are you being obtuse on purpose? You're not the scientist here, you know," she glared at him.

"No," he tried to explain patiently, "I'm trying to think of this from all angles, that's all. Guardians are pretty up front about what they like to eat. Why wouldn't they just tell us?"

"Well, you'd be an expert on that, of course."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Irvine couldn't keep his exasperation from showing; he was starting to think Xu was winding him up on purpose. Either that or she'd had a personality transplant.

"Oh, nothing."

"No, Xu. Come on. If you've got something to say, why don't you come right out and say it?"

"Alright. What about Ether?"

"Ether?"

"Yes, Ether. What does Ether feed on?"

__

Oh. "The usual," he lied.

"Kinneas," she spat, "I _know._ I haven't spent my life researching Guardians for nothing. Ether doesn't feed on conflict, does it? It doesn't make you eat monsters, or get power from pretty shiny things you steal? It feeds on emotion, doesn't it? Raw, messy, human emotion."

"It's not that simple," said Irvine, quietly.

"I thought so!" she sounded triumphant, as if she'd exposed him as some kind of traitor. "You never saw fit to tell anyone, though, did you?"

"I told Seffie, and the others." That came as a surprise to her, he realised. "I didn't _not_ tell anyone, it never seemed particularly important. It's not that different from feeding on conflict. That's kind of an emotion too. Sort of. And Ether doesn't hurt anyone in the process."

"Oh, right. So if it makes you pick a fight so it can feed on your anger that's alright, is it? Like yesterday, in the Infirmary?"

With some difficulty, he resisted an urge to get into a fight about who started that particular argument. "It doesn't feed off anger. It likes… other stuff."

"Other stuff?"

"Love. Affection. Warm fuzzy feelings."

She digested this new information with a cold little laugh.

"Oh, that's just perfect," she said. "Of course. That's why it likes you so much. It gets off on your whoring around, doesn't it?"

She turned to look at him, her eyes stony and accusing.

"That's none of your business." Irvine's voice was low and had a rare ring of authority to it.

"On the contrary. If it's jeopardising our work, it's completely my business."

"It's no threat to anyone. Anyway, it's not just sex," said Irvine. "Friendship works too. Just ordinary feelings."

"But it likes sex the best, right? Real lust? I know Guardians, Kinneas. They'll put up with whatever you can give them but they always drive you to give them the best. They reward you when you find the extreme of whatever sick thing they need to survive. Is that why you can't keep your dick to yourself, Kinneas? Or did Ether pick you because it knew a 24/7 snack bar when it saw one?"

"I'm not going to have this conversation. If you want my help you can come and get me when you're feeling more rational." Irvine started to move towards the door.

"Don't you care, Kinneas?" Xu hissed. "Don't you care that you're being controlled by that thing in your head?"

He turned back to her. "I'm not being controlled by Ether. It's just a Guardian. It's saved my life, and my team, more times than I can count. And compared to Eden's fucking eating habits, to be honest, I'm grateful that all it wants is for me to be happy."

"Oh, I can see it's great for you. But what about the people who get hurt in the process?"

"No-one's getting hurt."

"Really? You tell everyone you sleep with, do you, that you have a thing in your head that's going to get it's rocks off by sharing the experience? That it's feeding off them? It's immoral."

"It's not like that," snapped Irvine. "And whatever you might think, I'm usually too busy with saving the world to have night after night of passion with every person in Garden. So it doesn't come up that often. And while we're talking about morals, when did you start being so fucking judgmental?"

"I'm not judging anybody. I can't stand by and watch Ether hurt people." 

"Ether isn't hurting anybody! For fuck's sake, Xu, what is the _matter _with you?"

"Nothing's the matter with me. I'm not the one who spends all his time breaking hearts and taking advantage of vulnerable people."

Irvine felt a cold stab of guilt.

"What vulnerable people?" he whispered. "Who?"

"Don't tell me you care," she said, spitefully. "I couldn't believe that for a second."

"You've known me for two years, Xu. Who have I hurt, in that time? What fragile souls have I damaged? Who?"

Irvine held his breath. _She can't know about Frila. She can't possibly know._

Xu bowed her head, all the spirit suddenly going out of her body, leaning limply over the table. She whispered a name, just out of his hearing.

"Who?" he repeated.

"It doesn't matter," she said. "It's none of my business. What's done is done." She turned her weary face towards him; he registered for the first time the dark circles under her eyes, the pale, washed out look to her skin. "Just don't you dare let me catch you fucking around with _anyone_ in this Garden again. Do you understand me?"

__

How could she possibly know? And if she does know, why hasn't she fired me?

"Xu, if I've given you any cause to think…" he stretched out a hand to her again, but she flinched out of his reach.

"No! Just… Don't. Touch. Me."

His hand curled into a soft fist at his side. "If you're going to make accusations," he gambled, "I need to know what they are. Who they are."

"Maybe there's just too many to mention," her voice was slow and deliberate. "Or maybe they just won't… tell on you."

"What are you insinuating?"

__

~Sniper~ Ether was protesting at the anger rising in him, but he couldn't stop it.

"You have a Guardian that needs to feed. Think of Squall and what his precious Eden makes him do. Squall eats fucking raw, obscene monster flesh for it. So Ether feeds off sex. You do the fucking math, Kinneas."

"Are you accusing me of…" Irvine fought nausea at the thought of what she was suggesting, "_rape?"_

She looked at him, little short of hatred in her eyes.

"Well? Haven't you? Can you honestly tell me you haven't?"

"Of course I haven't! What do you think I am?"

"You won't remember, of course," she said. "It wouldn't let you remember."

Irvine's blood ran cold.

__

~Sniper. You anger. It hurts.~

Relief rushed through him, calming his mind, if not his temper.

"You haven't listened to a word I said, have you? Ether feeds off lust, love, affection. Rape has nothing to do with those things."

"Are you sure that's all it eats?"

There was a long pause. 

He didn't know how to deal with the rage that swept through him in waves. He was used to violence, to battle, but this was white-hot searing anger, and he didn't know what to do with it.

__

~She angers us. It hurts.~

"There's something wrong here. This isn't right. I don't feel…"

"Kinneas," she hissed, "I don't care what you feel. Get back to your seduction and your whoring and your hurting. Just get the fuck out of my office."

He left without another word, slamming the door behind him.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa thought fast. Selphie was too far into the room by now to run without being noticed, however bad their enemy's eyesight might have been. Rinoa started to gather her energy for a spell, felt the quiet surge of Selphie calling Cactaur. 

__

~Protect~

A long, pink limb slithered round the opening door, slapping suckers on the metal frame to pull a slimy body behind it. Rinoa fought down revulsion at the sight, concentrated on focusing her energy for magic. 

No sooner had she started her spell than another tentacle whipped into the room, and another, and suddenly she was on the floor and her face was stinging, slime dripping from her hair.

Selphie must have lost Cactaur somehow, but she'd dodged the attack; she cracked her nunchaka and took her stance with her usual cool battle efficiency_, _so at odds with her normal carefree persona.

Rinoa didn't bother to get up, she simply hurled fire at the creature, satisfied with the sizzling result, if nauseated by a strong smell of burning, roasting flesh. She fired again, and again, got in three hits before it lashed out again. This time it wrapped a limb around her body, squeezing the breath out of her. Suddenly missing Squall's sharp blade, she went limp, hoping it might relax its grip if it thought it was winning. Selphie was making good progress at the other end of the slug-like body, systematically mashing tentacles, trying to get close enough to do some damage to what passed for a face: a huge, slavering maw, tiny, white-glazed eyes and huge, dish-shaped ears. 

Her ruse seemed to be working; the creature had stopped constricting, turning it's attention to the whirling ball of pain that was Selphie. Rinoa waited, resisting the urge to struggle, until she could move her arm, just a little.

Then, before the slimeball could react, she snapped her pinwheel round and blasted a shot at one vulnerable, exposed ear. Reeling in pain, the beast released her, flailing tentacles around it's injury. That was all the room Selphie needed to aim one good blow to it's head.

With a scream it fell dead to the floor, oozing black blood, limp tentacles twitching slightly in reflex.

The buzzing in Rinoa's head was getting louder.

__

~I must be with you. Or you will die. I must be with you.~

She felt so tempted. The voice was so persuasive, the warning so dire.

__

~Call me.~

Her thoughts were interrupted by a slow handclap.

"Well, ladies, that was an impressive display. Rinoa, congratulations. You must have made SeeD at last. "

Rinoa and Selphie looked towards the door.

It was Chet.

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Author's note: And I won't put the next chapter up until I've got up to 40 reviews…. evil grin oh, all right, don't worry, only joking ;) but still, Feedback welcome as ever. Please feed the author ^_^ Pleeeaaase…


	16. Wasted

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

There's drug use in this chapter, (in the story, not by the author ^^) and it's edited for the more graphic smut, including slash: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

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****

Chapter 16 - Wasted

Zell was surprised, to say the least, when Irvine called in on him at the Training Centre. He was teaching a class, after all.

"Zell, I need a favour."

"Of course." Zell dragged him to the side of the clearing, waving at his students to carry on with exercises. "What's the matter?"

"Can you watch over Angelo for a couple of hours? I'd leave him in my room but he's really pining today, he just starts howling if he's not around people."

"OK. Here, boy," Zell ruffled Angelo's fur. "Why, where you going?"

"Some old friends have turned up," said Irvine, " I've decided to go pay them a visit."

"Is there any news from Quistis and the others?"

"Not as far as I know. Call me, if you hear anything, right?"

"Yeah. Well… have a good time. I'd best get back to class."

"Sure. Thanks. I owe you one." 

The training centre doors swung closed behind him, leaving Zell and Angelo looking at each other.

"Well, boy," said Zell, "what was that about?"

Angelo howled.

* * * * * * *

__

~Sniper~

~Ether~

~You anger.~

~Yes. I'm sorry. I got a bit… wound up at Xu. ~

~She is troubled.~

~You could say that. Look, just give me a minute, and I'll calm down.~

~Thank you.~

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~Are you hungry?~

~I do not eat. But I need. Want.~

~Good~ Irvine grinned. ~_ Because we're going out for lunch.~_

* * * * * * *

"Chet, what are you doing here?" Rinoa said steadily.

"Research, of course. Just as always. But if you're expecting me to tell you anything at all useful before I kill you, you've been watching too much TV. No exposition here, I'm afraid."

He drew his hand back, Rinoa could feel the power in him. A lot of power.

"Selphie, run," she hissed. "Leave this to me."

"No, I can't," Selphie was drawing on her own considerable reserves of magic, but to Rinoa's specialist senses even Selphie's abilities were puny in contrast to Chet's. Or her own, come to that.

"It's not safe. I'm going to call Gemini."

"No, Rin, you mustn't. Squall…"

"When you ladies have finished your little chat…" Then there was a blinding flash of light, and Rinoa felt as if her body had been turned inside out and run over by a truck. She fell to her knees.

Then she felt the chain holding Squall's ring around her neck glow hot for a fraction of a second, and the pain eased; just as she was on the perilous edge between consciousness and oblivion, power surged through her, strong and sweet. She raised her head, teeth gritted, flung an arm out at Chet and cast spell after spell, fire, water, earth, thunder, anything that might hurt him.

He stumbled backwards into the alcove, eyes wide, his body convulsing with pain. "Sorceress…"

"Come on Selphie, run!" 

Selphie did run, but not towards the lab and safety.

Selphie ran at Chet, completely beserk, howling a battle cry.

Rinoa grabbed for her, tried to pull her back, but she was still weak, and Selphie was too fast. She watched, as if in slow motion, as Selphie threw herself at Chet, knocking him flat on his back and flicking a kick to his head that made him go still and limp.

She knelt next to him, head on one side.

"Rinoa? Can you hear music?"

* * * * * * *

"Hiya, Zephyr."

"Kinneas! You dog! You said you couldn't come!"

"Well, I changed my mind. Alright if I come in?"

"You bet. Duck'll be so pleased. Duck, honey, look who's come to visit!"

"Shotgun? Is that you?" came a voice from a room off to the right.

"Better believe it, Duck."

"Shotgun!" There was a blur of speed and Irvine found himself with his arms full of woman. Her long chestnut hair was damp, and she was wrapped in a skimpy white Balamb Hotel towel; probably only in a skimpy white Balamb Hotel towel.

He hugged her tight, kissing her neck. "Duck, you're all wet."

"Always, Shotgun, always," she husked.

He laughed. "Gods, but it's good to hear that voice."

She pulled back a bit. "Let's get a good look at you," she said, adjusting her towel over her breasts. "Fuck, Irvine, but you're a sight for sore eyes."

"Too right," said Zephyr, passing him a beer. "It's been far too long."

"I know," said Irvine. "What can I say? I'm just a bad boy."

"I hope so," said Duck, mischief twinkling in her cloudy blue eyes. "I wouldn't like to think you've changed that much."

"Come and sit down," Zephyr indicated a large sofa. 

"Thanks," Irvine slipped his duster off and threw it and his hat over the back of a chair, before Duck grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the sofa. Zephyr disappeared into the other room, leaving the two of them alone. 

Irvine drank in the sight of his old friend; he'd forgotten how tall she was, probably the same as Squall, maybe taller, with long, graceful legs that she tucked up under herself, pushing her newly-washed hair out of her eyes, grinning at him.

"You look well, Duck. Things treating you alright?"

"Not bad. You?"

"Well, you know. Busy."

"You like Balamb? I guessed you must've, since you never came back, you bastard."

"Yeah. Well, it just worked out that way. But I missed you guys like you wouldn't believe."

"Oh, really?" she raised an eyebrow, her expression sardonic, but her eyes smiling. "Because, if you miss us so much, how come you never visit?" 

"I'm sorry, Duck. Really I am. I'm here now, though."

"So you are. And I'm not going to waste time telling you off." She patted his arm. "We all thought we'd lost you, though. That some deserving wench had snapped you up."

He shook his head. "No," he said, "close call for a while, but…. No. Still young and free."

"Glad to hear it." Her hand was still on his arm, stroking the sensitive skin on the inside of his elbow, almost tickling.

"You still doing the knife throwing?" He said, his voice making conversation while his eyes found hers and asked a different question.

"Oh yeah. I made SeeD, you know. So did Zephyr. We haven't done much work, though. Balamb seems to get all the juicy assignments. We just get the odd mopping up operation." She smiled at him, licked her soft, full lips, 

"Not fair, huh?" He brushed the back of his hand across one bare shoulder.

She pouted. "No. But it does leave us more time for … other things." She leaned towards him, her towel gaping slightly, offering Irvine a tempting glimpse of cleavage. Duck had the sort of cleavage naturally that other girls spent a fortune on underwear to achieve.

Zephyr came back into the room, carrying a plastic bag, and sat down the other side of Irvine. "We're thinking of starting a band," he said. "Only Duck can't be arsed to learn how to play anything."

"Too much like hard work," she shrugged. "Hon, d'you mind if I get started? Only I've missed him _so_ much, and he looks _so _ good…"

"You go right ahead, girl. I'm just gonna roll us something for later, and I'll be right with you." He produced cigarette papers and a clump of grass from his bag and winked at Irvine. "You warm him up for me."

In one swift movement Duck straddled Irvine's lap and covered his mouth with her own, sliding her tongue between his lips before he'd even had a chance to take a breath.

"Oh cowboy," she drawled at him, "oh, you taste so good. I'd forgotten how good you taste." She dived in for another kiss, pulling the band off his hair, letting it fall down his back. "All this gorgeous, gorgeous hair… Why don't you grow yours long, Zef? I'm always asking…"

"Doesn't look right on me, Duck." Zephyr ran the fingers of one hand through his spiky blonde locks. "Makes me look like a girl."

"So? I like girls, too." 

Zephyr laughed, slapped her affectionately on the butt, and Irvine laughed too, the tension washing away from his body. He'd missed this so much, just being able to … be, without responsibilities, without worrying about hurting anybody, or about what people thought of him. He knew exactly what Duck and Zephyr thought about him, with a certainty he couldn't apply to Squall, or Rinoa, or Selphie, probably never would. His body buzzed with pleasure, just at the freedom. He knew Ether liked it too.

"Can I ask something before we go any further? It's just that," Irvine concentrated hard to keep talking, despite the distraction of the feather-light kisses she was peppering over his neck and ears, "I have this Guardian, it feeds off lust and that kind of thing. In case it bothers either of you."

"Suits me," said Zephyr, spreading grass in a long line on joined papers, "kinda cool. Does it bother you, hon?"

"Fuck no," said Duck. "Sounds like my kind of Guardian, Shotgun. There's plenty of love to go round."

"Oh, babe… you're the best." Irvine pulled her towel off, leaving her completely naked. He caressed her back, her shoulders, hungry for the feeling of soft, warm flesh against his fingers. She felt so damn good. He wanted, _needed_ this so much.

"Mmmm…" she arched her back. 

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so abandoned, so liberated. He junctioned Ether, allowing the Guardian to fill his head with its song.

It felt like coming home.

* * * * * * *

"Selphie…" Rinoa pulled herself to her feet. "Selphie, can you hear me? Come on, we have to go. Now!"

Selphie turned to her, still knelt astride Chet's limp body, her eyes wide, as if in disbelief.

"Irvine…" she murmured, and one hand flew to her mouth, as if in shock, despair. "Oh! What have I done? Sweetheart… so much blood.. my fault… oh Irvine…" She looked at Rinoa in confusion and horror. "No!"

"Selphie, come _on_!" Rinoa ran towards her friend, grabbed her arm. "We have to go!" She could hear music now, soft, seductive, just at the edge of her hearing… She focused hard, blanked her mind. Whatever was happening to Selphie, she didn't want any of it. Despite her best efforts, thoughts started to filter through her mind, memories, dreams maybe… yes… Squall… Irvine… Squall and Irvine… naked and together and…"

She shook her head, desperate to concentrate. 

__

~Leviathan? Gemini~

Nothing.

Selphie was crying now, slumped over Chet. He was still breathing, Rinoa registered as she pulled Selphie up and dragged her off him. Still breathing, and starting to stir. Fuck. She wasn't sure which spells had worked, no time for a scan… so she wrenched him over to reveal the vulnerable spot at the base of his skull before he had a chance to come to properly, grabbed Selphie's nunchaka and hit him hard with the handle. He slumped again and she dropped him, took Selphie's hand and ran.

* * * * * * *

"Oh babe… oh, fuck, that's so good. No-one does that like you, babe, no-one… except maybe Squall, but hey…"

He whimpered as she raised her head, regarding him through slitted eyes, her luscious mouth widening into a grin.

"You're kidding me. Squall Leonhart? _The_ Squall Leonhart?"

He laced his fingers through her hair.

"Maybe."

"Oh, you naughty, dirty boy," she husked, still grinning. "Did you hear that, Zef?"

"Yes, my love, I did." Zephyr put another finished joint down on the table, brushing odd bits of grass and paper off his lap. "I think we need details."

Irvine shook his head. "Nope. I'm just going to have to tease you," he said. "That one's on the secret list. And you know if you tell anyone I'll deny everything, and probably kill you."

"As if we would do that," Duck pouted. 

"You should know us better than that," Zephyr was kneeling next to him now, stroking Irvine's hair with one hand and Duck's shoulder with the other. "We won't tell a soul." 

Irvine drank in the sight of him; lopsided grin, golden skin, slender, almost girlish hips at odds with the hard, tight muscle covering his chest and stomach. 

"So, he was good?" Duck asked, "didja fuck him?"

"Duck," Zephyr chided, "leave the boy alone. Let him keep his secrets. You wouldn't want him telling Commander Leonhart all about us, would you?"

"Well… only if he'd share. Would he share, Shotgun?"

Irvine shook his head. "Sorry, babe. Squall's not the sharing kind. One at a time kind of guy. You know what it's like with heroes."

"Ah well, good thing I've got plenty of other options." 

"Hey, Shotgun," Zephyr whispered in his ear, "you're mighty tense. I don't think they've been treating you well."

"Gnnhghn," Irvine agreed incoherently. _Not as well as this, at any rate._

Zephyr rubbed his shoulders, working the taught muscles, probing layers of tension Irvine had forgotten were even there. 

"Gng… Zef… Duck… that's so, so good…"

"Sure is, babe," Zephyr whispered, lowering his head to kiss and lick at Irvine's nipples. "The best."

He'd never felt Ether's power so strong, coursing through his body, chasing the lust, consuming it and doubling it in return. He was lost in that pure, perfect moment of wanting, needing, taking.

__

~Want. Need. Take. ~

~Too right, Ether. Fuck, this is good.~

~You are always good, Sniper. You are magnificent. ~

"Hey, I heard that," murmured Zephyr, "was that your Guardian?"

"Yep," said Irvine, not caring, lost in the feeling of Duck's caresses. "You heard it?"

"Mmm… I can do that, sometimes, if a junction's strong enough. It really likes you, huh? Strong bond." He looked down at Irvine, his pale blue eyes bright with lust. "This _is_ good." He stroked Irvine's face with one hand, cupped his chin. "Fuck, but I've missed you." He covered Irvine's mouth with his own, kissing him urgently, needily, and with a confidence that made Irvine's heart soar. 

He felt completely out of control. And he loved it.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa pushed Selphie through the vent and into the duct beyond just as the alarm started. Selphie was like a dead weight, conscious but still sobbing and refusing to move on her own, apparently completely unaware of her surroundings. She kept calling Irvine's name with such despair and regret that Rinoa found herself fighting her own tears. It was that name that had set off the alarms, yelled at full volume as Rinoa had dragged her back into the lab, away from Chet and the crystals and the music.

Once in the duct Selphie started to calm down a little, and with a push from Rinoa behind her, started to crawl. Rinoa followed, pushing slime-encrusted hair out of her eyes, checking her microphone was still intact.

"Quistis, can you hear me? Quistis, it's Rinoa."

"Rin? What's up? Have you done?"

"Yes, but something's wrong. Chet was there, and Selphie's hurt."

"What? Are you still there? You're not talking to me from the lab, are you?"

"Of course I'm fucking not. I'm in the duct, we're on our way back."

"Is Selphie badly hurt? Can you heal her?"

"It's not… that kind of hurt. She's OK. Be ready with any curatives you've got when we get out. We shouldn't be long."

"Alright. Be careful, Rin. Keep the line open." 

* * * * * * *

Irvine was only dimly aware of Zephyr kissing him now, as his senses focused him more and more on Duck. He only really became aware of Zef when he stopped kissing for a moment and whispered, "good boy, good Shotgun… you remember this, dontcha? You like this…" 

Irvine screamed with pure release. There was no thought, no fear, no love, even. Just lust, pure, simple, glorious lust.

"Oh Shotgun," whispered Zephyr. "That Guardian of yours is right. You really are magnificent."

* * * * * * *

Quistis listened as Rinoa encouraged Selphie to move along the tunnel, willing them both with every fibre of her being to go faster.

"Come on Selph, not much further," came Rinoa's distorted, far-away voice. "Come on, keep going. Not much further. Not much…no, don't stop, honey. Keep going, please."

"I can't," Quistis heard Selphie's voice, tiny and muffled. "I don't… it hurts so much…"

"What hurts, Selph? What is it?"

"My head… I can't remember what…how did we get here?"

__

~Come on, Selphie, Quistis thought, _~come on, get your act together._

"We don't have time, Selph, just keep going and we'll help you, please, please, just keep crawling."

"OK, but… oh shit, shit, it hurts so much…"

"I know, honey, I know, just keep going… hang on. Selph, stop a minute."

"Make your mind up," came Selphie's voice, sounding more like her usual self.

"What's that sound?"

"Music?"

"… oh fuck. Oh, fuck, no!"

"What? Rinoa? What's happened?" yelled Quistis

"Selphie! No! No! NO!"

Quistis flinched with pain as a scream exploded in her ear.

Then the radio went dead.

* * * * * * *

"I see you still have the knack, Shotgun." Duck passed him the joint. She was draped in his lap, stroking his skin languidly.

Irvine took a long drag, sucking the smoke deep into his lungs and holding it there. 

"Good," said Zef. "'Cos it's our turn next."

Irvine let the smoke curl slowly out of his mouth, puffing blue rings.

"How long you got?" asked Duck.

Irvine opened his eyes lazily, ruffled her hair. "As long as you like, Duck."

"Dontcha have to save the world? Or see your terribly serious Balamb friends? Or seduce any commanders?"

He laughed. "No," he said. "Not today. Things are a bit… difficult."

"Poor baby," she soothed, but she didn't ask any questions. She probably didn't care, come to think of it. Compassion wasn't one of Duck's finest qualities. But that didn't matter to Irvine for the moment. She had lots of other fine attributes to make up for it.

Irvine felt his body relaxing, _really relaxing_, for the first time in weeks. Months. Ether was humming contentedly in his head, almost purring in the afterglow. Duck's touch was starting to get serious again, and he remembered he had a debt to pay.

He put an arm round Zephyr's shoulders, whispered in his ear. Duck watched curiously from under her long, dark lashes as Zephyr laughed, then nodded. She smiled to herself.

Irvine took another drag of the joint, passed it back to Duck and pulled Zephyr close; they locked mouths and shared the sweet smoke, breathing together as Irvine explored Zef's tongue with his own, savouring the sweet taste of the grass, the cool rush as the drug reached his brain. 

Duck was tugging them both towards the floor. 

Irvine and Zephyr obediently allowed themselves to be pulled to the thick hotel carpet, kneeling facing each other, Irvine's blowback turned into a full-on snog. Zef's fingers were running lovingly through Irvine's hair, across his back, firing his body up all over again. Irvine felt Duck pull the delicious Zephyr out of his arms and into her own. Bereft for a moment, his reflexes too dulled to protest, he looked down and smiled at her.

He grinned. _Shotgun._ _Just like old times._

* * * * * * *

Quistis lowered herself down the tunnel, knowing she wouldn't be able to go far, she was too big, but she couldn't just wait above ground. It had been more than an hour since she lost contact, and she was starting to feel frantic. 

She couldn't hear anything, the air was still, no vibrations, nothing. She pushed herself along until she couldn't get any further without lying down, hugged her knees to her chest and waited, her ears and eyes straining for any sign of Rinoa or Selphie.

None came.

* * * * * * *

Irvine paused, luxuriating in soft, willing flesh. He felt Ether stirring, suddenly realised that this wasn't something he'd done before in the Guardian's presence.

__

~Is this alright, Ether?~

~Want, need, take.~ Ether purred.

Irvine groaned with pleasure, Ether's power flowing like honey. Want. Need. Take.

He should put that on a T-shirt.

"Gods, Shotgun, that feels too good," Zephyr said.

Irvine shook his head, whipping Zephyr's back gently with his hair. He could only imagine what they looked like, the three of them thrusting and panting and sweating, the definition of debauchery.

Xu would _not_ be pleased. The thought made him laugh out loud.

__

~Sniper!~

~What? Ether…oh, sorry, my feelings about Xu not palatable, ne?~

Irvine blotted Xu from his mind and concentrated on the very, very good feelings that were running through his body.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa realised she'd completed a circle: she was nearly back at the entrance to the tunnels, and there were no exits she hadn't tried. Nowhere else to go.

She saw Quistis, felt relief and despair. 

Nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to try.

Nowhere.

"Rin," Quistis whispered, stretching out an arm to help Rinoa out into the main tunnel, where she could stand at last, although all she could actually manage was a stoop, her back cramping from crawling around on hands and knees for so long.

She realised there was blood: her knees and palms were raw. Funny, she couldn't feel any pain.

She looked up at Quistis, feeling strangely calm now. No more tears, no more panic.

"Selphie's gone," she said, and collapsed unconscious at Quistis' feet.

* * * * * * *

__

~Sniper~

~Ether~ oh, fuck, fuck, fuck… Irvine was vaguely unnerved to hear Ether's voice; usually by this stage it was just power, not power and talking. 

~Sniper~

~Yes? What. Is this not g..good?~ Irvine wasfinding it difficult to focus on internal conversations, it all felt too good.

~Warning.~

Irvine tried to reach through the fog of sex and dope in his brain to make sense of this. _~Warning?~_

"Uh, Shotgun, don't stop…" Duck panted.

"Sorry, babe…" 

__

~Sorry, Ether, it'll have to wait…~ 

The Guardian didn't reply, or else Irvine didn't hear him, lost in stunning release.

Irvine gradually came back to his senses, what were left of them, rolled off the pile of bodies and lay on his back. He was dimly aware of Zephyr moving away and lighting another joint, of Duck curling up under one arm, pressing her breasts against his side. 

"Mmmm, Shotgun," she purred. "You haven't forgotten a thing. In fact, you've gotten even better."

His wide mouth was already grinning, so he giggled weakly in response.

"Hey, Shotgun, your coat's making a noise," said Zephyr.

"Wha?" Irvine raised his head. "Oh, that's just my phone. It's OK, the message service is on."

"Don't you want to answer it?" Duck licked his nipple, as Zephyr passed him the joint.

"Nah, it won't be important," Irvine took a deep drag and closed his eyes contentedly. 

__

~Sniper.~

~Ether? Oh, yeah. Thank you.~

And Irvine let the junction go, thinking he might just fall asleep, and it unnerved him when he slept junctioned.

His phone continued to ring.

"Shut the fuck up!" he yelled at it, not moving, then dissolved into helpless giggles as Duck stuck her tongue in his belly button. 

The phone chirruped once more, then stopped.

"Sheesh," Duck knelt next Irvine's naked and lust-ravaged body, stroking his skin with velvety fingers, "they need to give you some space. SeeD are just too demanding, sometimes."

"Yeah," Zephyr agreed, settling back to watch whatever Duck had in mind to do to Irvine, with that wicked grin on her face. "After all, I bet it's not as if someone's died."

Irvine pulled Duck on top of him, and laughed.

__

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Author's note: It was *very* hard to write the less smutty version of this chapter, it's 800 words shorter grin and I'm not sure it works as well, so apologies for that. F*****g censorship =_=

Trivia of the day: the definition of 'riding shotgun' in terms of sailing is "taking the second steering position on a boat with two steering positions to double the steering power against strong winds and currents" (marisafe boating dictionary). In case you were wondering ^~

Tell me what you think of this, by review or e-mail. Please feed the author ^_^ ~I'm hungry~


	17. Aftermath

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks.   


Please review - I'm going through an insecure phase and really need to know what's wrong/right about this story!  


This is censored for the more graphic smut: if you're legal and you like smutty bits see www.scribblemoose.co.uk for the full version.

I haven't censored for fluff at all. You have been warned ^^

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Chapter 17 - Aftermath

Irvine realised hazily that it was dark. The candles that Duck had lit around the bedroom were now the only source of light, and they cast a romantic glow over the wreckage of the bed. Duck was lying next to him, her eyes closed, a smile on her face, but not asleep; her hand was still moving on his thigh, keeping his skin alive and tingling. That's how it was, with Duck. If you were there, she had to touch you, keep in contact with you. If she could keep her hands to herself it usually meant she was pissed about something.

Zephyr plonked himself back down on the bed, his arms full of pizza and ice cream. "Fuck, I'm starving," he said. "I think we forgot about lunch. Plus," he spread the picnic out between them, "fucking big-time munchies. Good pizza place, by the way. Shame they don't deliver, but hey, you two were more or less asleep anyway so I didn't miss much, did I?"

Irvine grinned, moving Duck's hand so he could sit up. "Did my life really used to be this good all the time?"

"Yeah, Shotgun," Duck sat up and went straight for the ice cream. "It really did. Until you deserted us for all this heroic crap."

"Well," Irvine sighed, "someone has to save the world."

"Rather someone else than me," said Duck. "Ain't that right, Zef? I don't know if it really needs saving all that often. I think heroes do it just to get their rocks off."

"Be nice, Duck," warned Zef. "You'll frighten him away."

"I didn't join SeeD to be a hero," she carried on, ignoring him. "I joined to be a mercenary. Follow orders for cash and a good supply of pretty boys and girls to help while away the time. Sounded a good deal to me: it's not as if I'll ever make a rocket scientist. Only now your precious Squall Leonhart's taken over it's all morals and saving stuff. It's too complicated for the likes of me. And to add insult to injury, of course, now you're in love with our proper honest-to-gods _Commander_…"

"You're just saying that to get me mad," said Irvine placidly. "And it won't work, because you've fucked my brains out. I don't have any mad left in me."

"Actually, she really means it," said Zef. "But don't let it bother you. Have pizza. Pizza good."

Irvine took him up on the offer; he was so hungry, and the pizza was the best thing he'd ever tasted, so he soon forgot to be even mildly irritated. Anyway, it was hard to be irritated with a drop-dead gorgeous woman who could eat ice cream and lick your ear at the same time, whatever her political views might have been.

"Your phone rang again," said Zef. "I turned it off, hope that was OK."

"Yeah, sure," Irvine shrugged. "I'll check for messages in a minute."

"Will you stay the night?" Zef asked. "We were thinking of going to a club, if you know anywhere good?"

"Yeah, we could do that," said Irvine. "I have to be back for 7am, is all."

"7am? That's fucking inhuman," protested Duck. 

"Yeah," agreed Zef. "You could call in sick? Duck'll ring for you. She can impersonate any family member or medical professional you choose."

Irvine shook his head. "Squall wouldn't take that," he said. Not that it wasn't tempting. He really wasn't looking forward to seeing Frila again.

"There you go again," Duck waved her spoon accusingly at him, "with the Commander. Tell him to fuck off with his orders. I would. Fucking selfish heroic git."

"Duck, you're stoned," said Zef. "Take no notice, Shotgun. I'll spank her later."

"That'll just make her worse," Irvine slapped her leg lightly, as if to prove he didn't mind, although if he was honest with himself, he did, a little. His mind suddenly recalled an image of Squall in Ultimecia's nightmare castle, bleeding and exhausted, tears streaming down his cheeks as he tried to cure Zell and Quistis, before turning back to an impossible battle, pushing Irvine away, determined that no-one else would die at Ultimecia's hand except, if necessary, himself. 

No-one could understand what they'd been through together, the six of them. Least of all Duck, probably not even Zephyr. But then, Irvine hadn't come here for understanding.

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll go," said Zef, "on account of I have some actual clothes on."

Irvine stretched luxuriously as Zef left the room, which was too much temptation for Duck, who couldn't resist tickling as much of his stretched out flesh as possible, reducing him to a giggling heap on the bed again. He swiftly turned the tables on her, though, pushing her flat on her back so he could sit astride her, retaliated by grabbing the ice cream and slapping a generous spoonful across her breasts, then caught her flailing arms and pinned them above her head so he could lick it off uninterrupted.

"Irvine, I…"

Zell stopped dead in his tracks. Of all the things, of all the reasons he'd imagined on his way here that there might be for Irvine not answering his phone, of _all _the things in the world he expected to see, finding Irvine in a Balamb hotel room licking ice cream off the breasts of a beautiful woman wasn't one of them.

Although, of course, it wouldn't have surprised Zephyr a bit, which might explain why he'd let Zell in here in the first place, and was a little nonplussed by the way he was standing there as if he'd stepped into an alternate reality.

"Fuck! Zell, what the…" Irvine let go of Duck's arms to grab something to make himself decent with, which proved to be a big mistake. Duck took full advantage of her new-found freedom, squealing with excitement and tickling him mercilessly.

"Irvine, I'll wait in the other room," said Zell, with a level of dignity Irvine really envied him, at that moment. "Please hurry."

"Aw," Duck moaned, watching as he turned and left, "doesn't your friend want to play? He looked real cute, too. Love the tattoo."

"Sorry, Duck," Irvine disentangled himself from her grasp, with some difficulty, "I don't think he's ready for you yet. And it looks as if I'll have to go, too."

She shrugged. "Come back one day, Shotgun," she said, shifting her affections to the remaining ice-cream with alarming rapidity.

Zephyr passed Irvine his clothes. "He said it was urgent," he explained, apologetically. "I guess things really have changed for you, haven't they?"

Irvine nodded, pulling on his jeans awkwardly with one hand, wiping ice cream off his face with the other. "You could say that." He struggled his arms into his shirt, suddenly unable to manage buttons. Zef came to his rescue, hands remarkably steady, systematically buttoning Irvine's shirt. Irvine pulled his hair back, looking around for something to tie it with; Zef grabbed a purple ribbon from the dressing table and carefully wound it around the thick, auburn pony tail, smoothing tangles as best he could. He took Irvine by the shoulders and turned him around.

"There. You still look a bit disreputable, but I guess you'll do, for work. Ribbon's cute. Matches your eyes."

Irvine grinned. "Look, thanks, Zef. It's been really good to see you again. Both of you."

"Yeah, us too," he said, and pulled Irvine close for one last kiss, tender, soft, sensual beyond belief. 

Irvine groaned. "You'd be the death of me," he murmured, resting his forehead against Zef's, his hand around the back of his friend's neck, storing up the moment of peace against whatever crisis lurked back at Garden. 

"You boys look so pretty," Duck was moving dangerously towards them, "and I didn't get to watch yet…"

"No, Duck," said Zephyr gently. "Shotgun's got to go."

Irvine gave Zef's shoulder a final squeeze, blew a kiss to Duck, and went to face Zell, shutting the door behind him.

He was standing by the sofa, Irvine's hat and coat in his arms. Angelo was sitting next to him, whining.

"Hey boy," Irvine scratched him behind his ears, "it's OK, I'm here. So, Zell, what's up?" Angelo started to lick the remains of ice cream from Irvine's hand. "Do I have time for a shower?"

"I think you'd better come back to Garden," said Zell. "Something's happened. Look, why don't you sit down?"

"What? I thought you said we were going back to Garden. What's happened?" Irvine struggled with the fog in his brain. "Sorry, I can't… think too straight."

"Oh, Irvine, for fuck's sake," said Zell, exasperated. ~_Esuna~_

"Man, that's… better. Thanks. How d'you know?"

"Because you had pupils the size of dinnerplates and the room smells like a Galbadian cadet's bedroom after a dorm party."

"Oh. I'm sorry… only I hadn't seen them for a long time and … fuck, I'm sorry…"

"Irvine, you're not making this any easier. I need to tell you what's happened. Please sit down and listen."

They sat on the couch, Irvine trying to apply his newly-cleared mind to make sense of Zell and absorb the events of the last… how many hours? … that had passed since he first sat there with Duck and Zef. 

Zell looked like death.

"Zell, what is it? You're freaking me out."

Zell took a deep breath.

"Irvine, it's Selphie."

The blood drained from his face; Zell half expected him to pass out cold. 

"What about Selphie?" he whispered. 

"Quistis phoned Squall a few hours ago. The mission went wrong; Selphie's gone."

"Gone?" Irvine felt curiously still, despite the roaring in his ears that made it hard to understand what Zell was saying. "Dead?" The word echoed in his head, hollow, wooden.

"We don't know." Irvine watched as Zell took his hand. What a strange thing to do, hold his hand like that. He watched his own long fingers trembling, fluttering in Zell's steady grasp. What a strange thing. "Quistis wasn't sure what had happened, exactly," Zell was saying.

"Rinoa? Oh, gods, Rinoa?"

"Rinoa's OK. She and Quisty are on their way home, they should be back before morning. Irvine, are you alright?"

"Yes," he whispered. "They left her behind?" he frowned. "Why'd they leave her behind?

"They couldn't find her, Irvine. They tried, really hard, but it was too dangerous to stay any longer. We'll go back, though, Squall's already planning it. We will find her. You know we will."

"Is Squall OK?"

"He's going beserk, I think, only in a quiet, deadly kind of way. I haven't seen him so bad for years. He needs us. He needs you, Irvine. Are you going to be OK?"

"When did this happen?"

"A few hours ago. I've been trying to call you, but there was no answer."

Irvine reached out and touched the slight bulge of his phone in his duster pocket, laid across Zell's lap. "I let it ring," he said. "I wanted to fuck Duck, so I ignored it."

__

Way too much information, thought Zell, and then: _did he say *Duck*?_

He shook the thought out of his head. "It's OK," he said, patting Irvine's hand. "You deserved some time off. It's just bad luck. It's not as if you could've done anything."

Irvine just kept staring at his duster. "It rang," he said, "and I didn't care. It was Selphie, one of us, in trouble, and I didn't care."

"You didn't know it was Selphie," said Zell gently. "It could just as easily have been Xu bugging you for reports. Come on," Zell got up, handing Irvine his coat and hat. "Let's get you home. Have you got Ether? You could probably do with a bit of oomph."

"Oomph?" Irvine put his coat on, settled his hat on his head. "Oh. I see what you mean." He slipped slowly into junction, checking every attribute as though he were going into battle.

__

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~You tried to tell me. About Selphie. How did you know?~

~I knew. I felt the Great One that was with her. It became silent.~

~Oh ~

~ You hurt.~

~Yes, I think I do. I'm tired… I need strength. ~

~It is done. ~

The power pumped through him like blood, oxygen to tired muscles and fuddled brain. 

He could hear noises coming from the bedroom: it sounded like Duck and Zephyr wouldn't be going out for a while after all. Irvine looked around the room, debris in the form of clothing and ashtrays and empty beer bottles strewn about. Among other things.

The afternoon, a haze of lust and pleasure, already seemed a lifetime ago.

"Let's get out of here," he said. 

* * * * * * *

Irvine was quiet in the car, and Zell let him be, figuring that the more he'd recovered by the time they got back to Squall, the better. He called in to let the others know he'd found Irvine alive and well, claiming that his phone had been switched off by accident. This earned him a grateful glance from Irvine, who clearly felt bad enough about that already. 

When they got back to Garden Squall was waiting outside, pacing the main drive. As soon as Irvine saw Squall he seemed to snap out of his dazed state, so suddenly it took Zell by surprise. He watched, lump in his throat, as Irvine wrenched open the car door and flew to Squall's side, grasping him in a hug so desperate, so painful, that Squall just stood there for a moment, completely stunned. Then he wrapped his arms around Irvine's waist and held him close, clinging to him, his face buried in Irvine's neck, a gesture so unlike Squall, so much the opposite of distant, and angry, and cool, that Zell found he had tears in his eyes.

He started the car again, and drove off to the car park, figuring they might need a few moments alone.

"Irvine… it's alright. We'll get her back, I promise."

Irvine struggled to get his emotions back under control. He gently released himself from Squall's arms, digging a handkerchief out of his pocket and blowing his nose noisily. "Of course," he sniffed. "I know we will. Squall… I'm so sorry you couldn't contact me."

Squall shrugged. "I wasn't thinking straight," he said, "or we'd have found you earlier. It was only when Zell said you'd gone to see friends that I remembered."

"I just… had to get out. I had a stupid argument with Xu."

Squall couldn't keep the irritation from flashing across his face. "Not again. What is it with you two?"

Irvine ignored that question. "Where is she? Does she know?"

"She's in her quarters, I think. I told her straight away, and she asked to be left alone. She was shocked. We all were. You just don't expect… we've been on so many missions and we always come back. We all come back. Always." Squall leaned against the wall, pinching the bridge of his nose between finger and thumb, massaging the scar between his eyes. 

"We'll find her, Squall. She'll be okay. I know Selphie. And I was thinking… she can't be dead. I'm sure If she was dead I'd… _know_."

"Yes. I just wish I hadn't sent them. We didn't know enough, it was too early…" 

"You made the best decision you could at the time. What happened? Zell didn't say much."

"We don't know. Quistis didn't seem to have a clue, and Rinoa wasn't fit to talk."

"But she's OK? Rinoa, I mean."

"I think. Quistis said she'd been unconscious, but she was waking up when she called."

"So you're waiting for them to come back now?"

"Yeah. I couldn't settle to anything. Not until I know they're back safe. Then I need to figure out how we can go and find her. But I just can't think. Not until I know Rinoa's alright."

"Mind if I wait with you?"

Squall shook his head. 

Irvine pulled himself up onto the wall next to him.

After a few minutes, Zell joined them, wordlessly hauling himself up next to Irvine. The three of them, and Angelo, stared down the road in the dark, in silence, waiting.

* * * * * * *

It was nearly dawn when Irvine made out car headlights in the distance; still a long way off, but clearly visible to his keen marksman's eyes

"They're coming," he said, sliding off the wall.

The other two looked up, eventually seeing the car come into view. Irvine heard Squall release his breath in a sigh, almost as if he'd been holding it all this time while they waited.

The car screeched to a halt on the drive; the passenger door opened and Rinoa stumbled out and fell into Squall's waiting arms, Angelo whining and licking her wherever he could reach. Zell and Irvine went to hug Quistis, but she shrugged them off quickly. "I'm OK," she said, "Rinoa needs to get to the Infirmary. Get the Doc to check her over."

"They're ready and waiting," said Zell. "Is she alright?"

"I think so. I cured her wounds, but she was unconscious for a long time. Just want to check for concussion."

"Did you hear that, Squall? Squall?"

Squall raised his head, still holding Rinoa tightly. He nodded. "Come on Rin," he whispered, encouraging her to move towards the doors.

"You too, Quisty," said Zell quietly. "Just get yourself checked out."

Quistis shook her head. "I'm fine," she said. "I'll just go to bed. I need sleep. If that's OK, Squall?"

"Yes," said Squall, "unless there's anything you can tell us that…"

Quistis shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. "No," she said, "nothing. I'm so sorry, Squall. I completely failed. I've let you down so badly."

Squall shot Irvine a look that said 'deal with that for me', and concentrated on getting Rinoa inside.

"It's OK," said Irvine, "I'm sure you did everything you could."

"Come on, Quisty," Zell hooked his arm through hers, "I'll walk you to your room."

Quistis shook her head, pulling her arm away. "I'm alright," she said. "I'm fine, I just…" her voice choked up and she ran towards the doors, sobbing. Zell started after her, but Irvine pulled him back.

"Let her go," he, quietly. "Leave it til the morning."

Zell looked towards the horizon, streaked in pink and red and cream, trees stark black silhouettes against the lightening sky. "It already is morning," he said. "I've got a class in three hours. We're supposed to carry on as normal, Squall didn't want the cadets rattled."

__

Oh, great. Frila.

"You ought to get some sleep," said Irvine. "And I definitely need a shower."

"Yeah," said Zell, with a shadow of his usual teasing grin, "and make sure you get all the ice cream out of your hair."

* * * * * * *

Squall kicked open his door, guiding Rinoa gently inside. He dumped her bag on a chair, anxious to free his arms to hold her, but she'd moved away, towards the window. She opened the curtain a little; a sliver of cold, early light slid into the room.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked. "Are you hungry? Thirsty?"

She shook her head.

"You can sleep, they said, so long as I keep an eye on you and wake you every two hours. Are you sleepy?"

She shook her head, again, frowning for a moment in thought, lifted one hand to her matted hair. "Shower," she said. "I'd really like a shower. Is that OK?"

"Of course. Go right ahead, I'll bring you a clean towel."

"Thanks." 

She moved slowly to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and started to strip her clothes off. It felt good to get out of them, to strip off the sweat and the slime and the blood. She stepped gratefully under the hot water, aiming the jet at her hair, suddenly feeling unspeakably dirty and needing, more than anything, to get clean. Really, really clean. 

* * * * * * *

Irvine opened his door, somehow surprised that everything was as he'd left it; there was no sign, no hint that the world had changed so much. There were messages on his machine, probably from when they were looking for him that afternoon. His bed, still unmade, looked vaguely inviting, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. His body was probably exhausted, but he couldn't feel it, thanks to Ether, and that suited him right now. He needed to feel strong, for a while at least. 

He wished he wasn't alone. He would have given anything, at that moment, to talk to Rinoa, or Squall. But of course, he couldn't. They needed each other more than he needed them. He suddenly missed Angelo, realised how used he'd got to the company of a loyal companion around the place, those trusting doggy eyes. 

He washed up a few days' worth of coffee cups, took off his clothes and put them neatly in the laundry hamper, taking some comfort in routine domestic tasks that normally irritated him. Finally, he untied his ponytail, smiling at the distinctly unmanly purple ribbon; his hair smelt sweetly of grass, sex and ice cream, another world. 

He stood under the shower and washed it away.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa couldn't get clean. She knew she should be: she'd been under the almost scalding water forever, she'd scrubbed and scrubbed. But whenever she thought she might be almost there, almost normal, she heard Selphie screaming in her head and it all came back… Selphie screaming Irvine's name, Selphie screaming for Rinoa, Selphie screaming for Xu.

And then nothing. She couldn't remember anything else; just crawling in the tunnel, trying to get Selphie to move, talking to Quistis… then the screaming, then … nothing. Just the tunnel, dark, narrow, and she was alone, and she couldn't breathe, the tunnel walls touching her body all around, she couldn't escape from the feeling of cold, rough rock everywhere, hardly room to pull herself along; and Selphie was gone, no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't find her…

She slid down the tiles, her head falling on her knees, and the tears came at last, huge, gut-wrenching sobs. The shower water pounded on her neck and heaving shoulders like a waterfall, thundering in her ears; she didn't hear Squall, didn't know he was there until she felt his arms around her. She sank gratefully against him, lost in grief and pain.

He didn't say anything, just held her, stroking her hair. She'd never thought she'd see the day when she was actually grateful for Squall's silence. But she was.

The tears dried up, eventually, to short, gasping breaths. Squall rubbed her back, soothing, and things began to come back into focus. He was sitting in the shower with her, fully clothed and completely drenched, booted feet braced against the tiles on the opposite wall. He watched her, waiting, as if it was a perfectly normal place to be.

"You're wet," she said.

"I guess." He smiled, just a little bit.

"Squall, I…"

"You don't have to. Unless you want to. Talk, I mean."

She squeezed his hand, gratefully. "Thank you."

"I know what it's like, when people want you to talk and you don't have words," said Squall. "When what's on your mind is so painful the words choke you and stop you breathing. When saying it out loud makes it real, and you don't want it to be real." His voice was a whisper. "I know what it's like. When you do want to talk, I'll be here. I'll always be here."

She felt fresh tears in her eyes, his kindness, his love, his uncharacteristic eloquence almost too much. Almost. 

He pulled her into his body and she could feel his heartbeat against her cheek.

"I ought to get you dry," he said, "you're shivering."

She really was, she realised. Something fierce. 

"Come on. Just stand up for me, there's a good girl."

He helped her to her feet, turned off the shower. As soon as the water stopped she felt cold, very, very cold, her teeth started to chatter. He wrapped her in a towel, stripping out of his own sopping clothes, his hair dripping water down his face like tears.

"Come to bed," he said. "You don't have to sleep, but it'll keep you warm."

"O..K.." she stammered.

He led her to the bedroom, rubbing his hair with a towel, which made it all spiky; Rinoa was aware she might have laughed at him, another time, in another world. He gestured negligently at the bed, and she felt a tingle of magic; he'd cast a tiny spell to warm the bedclothes, a cadet's trick she'd somehow imagined to be way below Squall's dignity. 

He gave her a T-shirt to wear, pulling on sweatpants himself. Then he held back the quilt, and she slid inside, snuggling gratefully into the warmth. He started to tuck her in.

"Aren't you coming in here with me?" she asked.

"Would you like that? I didn't want you to think… I could just keep watch."

"Just like old times? No, Squall. Come here. Hold me."

He slipped into bed beside her, pulling her to nestle against him. 

"Feeling warmer?"

"Mnmn." She was still shivering, though.

He stroked her arm gently, rhythmically.

"Squall?"

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

He looked surprised, but obediently cupped her chin in his hand and caressed her lips with his own, gently, as if he thought she might break. Or maybe frightened she was broken already.

It warmed her in a way that no amount of snug bed or soft T shirt could. For the first time since she'd left the tunnels she started to feel alive. Squall felt so real, so familiar and strong; desire spread quickly through her body, chasing away the fear and the guilt and the screams.

He was breathing hard, despite the relative chastity of his kiss. "Is that OK?" he whispered. "I don't want to hurt…"

She sealed her mouth over his and kissed him hard, wrapping her arms and legs around him, pressing as much of her body against his as she could. He groaned deep in his throat, his body responding strongly to her, whatever his mind might have had to say about it. She breathed deeply, taking in the smell of him, all clean and male with a vague hint of leather and steel.

He was pulling back; damn the boy, she couldn't do without him, she needed this…

"Rinoa. Rinoa, look at me."

Her eyes fluttered open reluctantly, meeting his cloudy grey gaze.

"Nhn.. want you…"

"It's OK," he smiled at her, "I just wanted to say… it's not your fault, you know. What happened to Selphie. I want you to remember that."

Her expression darkened. "You weren't there…"

He brushed the hair from her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"I didn't have to be. I know. I know _you_. I love you."

Her eyes widened for a moment, and she paused, something unlocking, a seal in her mind broken by his words. She whispered. "I tried to find her. I really did. I made myself look everywhere, however frightened I was. I just kept hearing her scream in my head and I couldn't find her… and I felt frightened and so _weak_ and stupid, and I thought I'd never get out, and I'd never see you again…" She was all out of tears, but her body shook in his arms.

"It's okay," he whispered. "I'm here. You tried all you could. You're not weak, or stupid, you're brave and strong, I'm proud of you, and I love you. I love you."

She felt something inside her melt away, the trembling of her body slowed. She wanted to tell him she loved him too, but somehow she couldn't form the words: she didn't want to talk, or think, she just wanted to lose herself in his body and his lust and his love and stay there forever. 

So she kissed him instead, pulling him on top of her, his damp hair tickling her face, his warm body covering hers. He supported his weight on strong arms, as if frightened of crushing her, looked down into her eyes.

"I love you," he whispered again, as if he'd waited too long to tell her, and now the words were out he couldn't stop saying them.

She slid her fingers down his naked back and under soft fabric, stroking down the small of his back to his perfect butt. He groaned and wetly kissed her neck, her throat, her eyelids, her ear, then raised his head in surprise as she impatiently dragged his sweatpants over his hips. "Now, Squall, I need you, now…" 

However gentlemanly and considerate he may have intended to be, he couldn't resist her. Her body engulfed; she wrapped her legs around his waist and sighed, feeling full at last, complete, desire warming the coldest edges of her soul. 

"Look at me," he said, his voice deep and husky, "I need to… open your eyes."

She did as he asked, blinking a little to focus. His eyes were almost blue, intense and bright with desire, watching her; she saw the pleasure rippling through his body to catch the breath in his throat. She kept her eyes open as long as she could, the expression on his face an enigmatic blend of innocence and fierce, knowing desire, until she was captured by her own pleasure, her whole body shuddering and quivering underneath him, lost at last in sweet, sweet oblivion.

As the final waves receded he stopped, kissed her softly; despite the urgency she could feel in his own body, muscles quivering with restraint, he waited for her to come down a little, waited until she opened her eyes and smiled at him. 

Her smile made his heart ache.

He couldn't take his eyes off her, she was so beautiful, her hair fanned out on the pillow, her soft skin glowing, the pink flush of pleasure around her throat and across her pale cheeks. He surrendered to her heat.

He heard her voice, as the rushing in his ears subsided.

"I love you, my lion. My knight. I love you…"

He wrapped he up in his arms, burying his damp face in her hair, and held her while she slept.

* * * * * * *

Irvine got out of the shower and dressed in clean clothes: old jeans and a comforting, fluffy green shirt that Selphie had bought for him for his 18th birthday, claiming he was officially an old man and should watch for chills. He wasn't very superstitious, but he'd always thought of the shirt as lucky. He'd worn it for his final SeeD exam, and when he first drew Ether from the black dragon on the Island Closest to Hell… And besides. It was from Selphie. It felt like a way of showing his faith that she was alive, that he'd find her. 

He combed out his hair, wincing at the tangles, as he listened to his messages. Five… no, six, from Zell, getting gradually more panicky, four that cut off without leaving a message; damn, he hated it when people did that; one from Squall: terse and worried. He pressed the delete button and flopped on his bed.

He wondered when Squall would stop feeling relieved about Rinoa and start feeling mad at him for screwing around with Duck and Zephyr when he was supposed to be on duty. Zell was bound to tell him; it was just too juicy a morsel for the chatterbox to keep to himself, once the drama had faded. Although it had been nice of him to lie about the phone. Maybe he should just 'fess up and face whatever Squall wanted him to suffer. Maybe he deserved it.

__

When did I start having to keep so many secrets?

Guilt, becoming familiar, ran through him. 

It wasn't just Selphie he felt guilty about, although it was bad enough to think he'd been having a good time when she was in danger. It compounded the dull ache in the pit of his stomach at the thought that someone, something might be hurting her, hurting his Seffie, the bright, shining hope of his life. 

But there was more than that.

He felt guilty because, for one afternoon, he'd stopped caring, and, just for a while, he had become what Xu had accused him of. He'd been that other Irvine, pre-Squall Irvine, slave to nothing but passion and the moment. 

But what had been a pleasurable escape that afternoon, peace from the turmoil of his life, now left him feeling hollow and empty, and more alone than ever.

Somewhere on the road to Ultimecia Irvine had changed: he'd found friendship bound by blood, pain and loyalty, rather than a mutual quest for pleasure. The fact that he hadn't been there for Squall that afternoon felt to Irvine as though he'd deserted his leader in battle. Thinking back over the past few days, he was shocked at just how much he'd put his friendship with Squall at risk; from the second his lips touched Rinoa's in the quad to the minute he closed his eyes and taken his pleasure with Duck to the song of Squall calling for help on his phone, he'd been a traitor to Squall's respect and concern. 

And worst of all his crimes was the afternoon of Riona's graduation, when he and Squall had touched and tasted and come together; and Irvine had let Ether tamper with his best friend's mind to keep it secret from him. 

He may not have raped Squall's body; gods, Squall had even made the first move, albeit under Ether's influence, and Hyne, he'd wanted it. Irvine swallowed hard at the memory, easy lust running through his body, even now, as he hated himself for what he'd done.

He hadn't raped Squall's body. But he sure as hell had sat back and let Ether rape his mind.

The guilt was so raw now, so unbearable that he could hardly breathe. 

And he'd done it for Ether. For the power of the Guardian that even now strengthened and warmed him. Xu was right, although in a way she would probably never understand. He had done unspeakable things to feed Ether.

__

Want, need, take.

And to hell with the consequences.

__

Not anymore.

But it wasn't just Ether.

He held a memory clear in his head, of Squall waiting for Rinoa, silent, wracked with anxiety and pain as he waited for his worst nightmare to come true, bracing himself for agony he knew he couldn't bear. How many times had Squall faced loss with levels of dignity and courage that most people couldn't even imagine? And alone, always fucking alone, not just because he was frightened of his own feelings, but wanting to spare others, save them from their own heroic impulses, while his ran rampant and took him to face death and misery more often than any one person should ever have to.

And meanwhile his best friend turned his back on him to take refuge in another human body or two just because he'd had a row with his boss. 

__

Weak, weak, weak.

Slut. Whore. Rapist.

You don't know what real love is.

The light of the new day flowed strongly into the room now, chasing the shadows, revealing familiar things. The pile of papers on his desk. The butt of his rifle poking out from under his bed. The photograph of the six of them at the party after Ultimecia, the only time they'd ever got Squall tanked enough appear in front of a camera.

He swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and pulled himself to his feet.

Whatever else he might be, whatever he might have become, he was still a SeeD. That meant he could follow orders, and his orders for the next hour were crystal clear.

Irvine brushed tears from his face, locked the guilt and pain deep in his heart, and set off for the gunblade training hall.

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Author's note: you may have noticed that ice cream crops up rather a lot in this story. This may be profound imagery, or it may be because I love ice cream nearly as much as I love bishonen. Maybe even both. You decide ^_~

And yay! Got Squall dripping wet again!

Feedback welcome as ever. Please feed the author ^_^ (ice cream or reviews gladly accepted) (especially black cherry) 


	18. Discovery

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Please review ^^

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Chapter 18 - Discovery

Frila sat on a radiator in the training hall, warming her butt against the early morning chill. According to the clock on the wall opposite her, Squall was almost exactly an hour late. 

Maybe he'd decided there was no hope for her after all.

She yawned. Since she'd started on this manic schedule of his she had precious little time for anything, including sleep. She'd been cramming for tests she flunked months ago, and her brain was full of geography and battle formations and junction procedures. 

And now she had to deal with Irvine fucking Kinneas as well.

She was surprised at herself, though. She'd risen to the challenge and she hadn't missed a single class. She had two completed papers in her bag ready to hand in, not just on time but _early._

She heard footsteps coming down the hall before she should really have been able to. That was the other good thing about her new life.

Oceanus.

She could tell it wasn't Squall's footsteps, as well, but that was all her own work. She'd always been observant that way.

The doors opened. 

"Hey, Frila."

She almost didn't recognise him at first, he looked so pale and serious. His hair was different; he usually left some loose around his face, all sexy and wanton, but every last bit was scraped back into his ponytail, making him look almost as severe as Squall in a bad mood. And he was dressed in old jeans and a shirt that covered far more of his flesh than usual. Which was a shame, however mad she was at him.

"Captain Kinneas," she saluted him. 

He nodded. "Has Commander Leonhart gone already?"

She shrugged. "He never showed," she said. "I guess he's busy."

She was surprised by the panic that crossed his face; he reached straight for his phone and punched the speed-dial. "Excuse me," he said, and took his call to the other end of the room. 

She waited patiently, head on one side, watching him. She saw the relief cross his face; the trace of a smile, a nod, and he was done.

He strode back towards her. "It's okay," he said. "He sends his apologies. Something came up."

"Thought so," she said. "I guessed it would be something important. No problem."

"So," he said. "He asked me to do some relaxation techniques with you."

"Yeah," she said. "That's what he said."

"OK. What do you usually do to relax? Off duty, I mean."

His eyes were haunted, she noticed; his voice was calm and steady, but his mind sure as hell wasn't.

"I dunno, not much. Usual stuff. Music, clubbing, sharpening my gunblade. Just like a normal teenager."

"Pretty active stuff. Do you ever do anything that involves sitting still?"

"I draw, a little." She wondered if he remembered the drawing she'd left on his note.

"Oh. Yes." He did. She could tell. 

"That's not always relaxing, though," she said. "I'm a perfectionist with it, believe it or not. I get real mad, sometimes, if I can't get something right."

He nodded. "Okay. Well, we'll start with some fairly active stuff to ease you in, then. Just make sure you're standing balanced, roll your shoulders down. No, they're still up by your ears. Here." He reached out and put his hands on her shoulders, thumbs kneading the base of her neck, pressing gently downwards. 

She flinched at first, couldn't help herself, surprised that she was still angry with him. 

"Breathe in deep," he said, "hold it in your belly for a minute. Then relax as you breathe out."

It worked. Her shoulders dropped, and she felt some of the stiffness leave the muscles of her neck and upper back from all the gunblade training. It felt good.

"That's it." His voice was soft, soothing. "Good. Now, I'm going to move my hands and I want you to follow them, without touching. Just imagine you're a mirror."

He raised his hands in front of him, and she put hers up to match them, palms facing each other, almost but not quite touching. She looked into his eyes, and was surprised by what she saw there. He looked almost… afraid.

The doors slammed open, making them both jump.

"Irvine Kinneas, what the fuck were you playing at?"

Irvine spun round. "Xu."

"Where were you yesterday afternoon?"

If Frila had been surprised by Irvine's appearance, Xu positively shocked her. She was ghostly white, her eyes were red and swollen as if she'd been crying forever, and it looked as if she'd slept in her clothes. Or not slept at all. And she was furious.

There was something going on here, and Frila had no idea what it was. But she was intrigued, to say the least.

"Xu, I'm teaching."

"I don't care what you're fucking doing. Where were you yesterday afternoon?"

"I was in Balamb, seeing friends."

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

Frila would have quite enjoyed this, if it wasn't for the real distress on Irvine's face. "I could come back later," she offered, but they weren't listening.

"It was switched off. By accident."

"Oh, give me some credit, you tosser."

"Xu, can we take this somewhere else?"

She ignored him. "So while Selphie was in trouble and we were frantically trying to find you, you were off whoring to feed your Guardian. That's it, isn't it?"

Frila felt her jaw drop.

"Xu, that's enough." Not Irvine's voice. Squall had joined them, with Rinoa. This was getting to be quite the party.

"No," said Irvine, with a sigh. "Let's get this over with. She's quite right. I was in a hotel room in Balamb having sex and smoking dope all yesterday afternoon. Ether really gets off on it and it made me feel good too. I switched off the phone. I'm a crap, worthless bastard. Happy, Xu? Did I leave anything out?"

Squall's face was like thunder, but Frila noticed Rinoa slipping her hand in his, and his expression softened a little. 

Wow. This was way more fun than training.

"I want you two to stop this right now." Squall's voice was steel and diamonds. "And get back to work. We're not going to find Selphie if we're at each others' throats. I want you to shake hands. Now."

Irvine and Xu looked at him as if he'd asked them to eat live worms. 

"Now." He repeated. 

Irvine took a deep breath and held out his hand.

"Xu, we can work this out. I'm sorry. I'm really strung out about Selphie."

Frila vaguely remembered rumours about Irvine and Selphie Tilmet, but then there were rumours about Irvine and a lot of women. And a couple of men.

Xu reached out her hand.

And slapped him round the face. Hard.

"Don't you dare so much as speak her name," she hissed.

Squall blinked, Rinoa tightened her hand in his, holding him back.

"I'm sorry, Squall," Xu had turned to him. "I'm handing in my resignation. As of now. I hope you'll have the good grace to accept it."

She fled, sobbing, from the room.

Squall turned as if to follow her, but Rinoa pulled him back.

"No, Squall, leave her," she said.

"Squall, I'm so sorry," Irvine was rubbing his jaw where Xu had hit him. "I was going to tell you."

Squall sighed, a mixture of anger, irritation and a measure of despair. "I don't understand, Irvine. Not about you fucking around yesterday. I knew where you were, and I had a pretty good guess at what you were doing. I'm smarter than I look, you know, and Zell is a crap liar. But you and Xu… what is it with you two?"

"Squall," Rinoa was trying to get his attention, but he was focused on Irvine.

"I don't know," Irvine shook his head. "I guess we never got on great. She always kept her distance. But lately…"

"She's upset about Selphie," said Rinoa. "Very upset. We ought to cut her some slack."

"Well, we're all upset about Selphie," said Squall. "Irvine's got more right than anyone to be, surely? If we're making allowances…"

"No… oh. Fuck."

"I can't do without Xu, Rin. I can't do without either of you," he glared at Irvine, "but at least I can understand why Irvine's upset."

"It's not that simple," said Rinoa.

Irvine, Squall and Frila all turned to look at her, picking up the urgent tone of her voice.

"Selphie told me something while we were away, before the … mission."

Rinoa looked far from her usual confident self, Frila noticed. Her voice shook a little as she spoke.

"She told me she has a lover."

Irvine suddenly seemed very still. Frila heard him take a breath, hold it, let it out slowly. Bracing himself.

"Who?" he whispered.

Rinoa looked wretched.

"Rinoa, who? I need to know. Please."

Squall and Irvine looked at Rinoa, waiting. Frila watched Irvine's face, alarmed by the anguish in his eyes.

"She was going to tell you, when she got back… she wanted you to know."

"Rinoa, _please_. Tell me." 

"Oh, Irvine, I can't. She'd want to tell you herself."

"She's not here. I have to know. Please, Rinoa, you can't do this to me. Please." He looked as if he might get on his knees and beg.

"Tell him," said Squall. Almost an order. Close enough that it made up Rinoa's mind.

"It's Xu," she whispered. "Irvine, I'm so sorry."

Even Squall looked surprised.

"No." Irvine shook his head. "She was joking. Not Xu. No. Or, it's a crush. Just one of those passing things."

"I'm sorry," said Rinoa. "They've been together for a long time. She didn't know how to tell you. Or any of us."

"How long?"

"Irvine, I can't…"

"Fuck, just tell me, Rinoa. Don't play games with me."

"Kinneas," growled Squall.

"Nearly two years. Since not long after Ultimecia. Irvine, I…"

But Irvine wasn't listening. Frila saw him crumple inside, tears welling in his beautiful violet eyes. He stalked out of the hall, slamming the doors behind him.

Rinoa burst into tears, Squall holding her protectively in his arms.

Frila looked at them, then at the doors, still swinging gently back and forth from the force of Irvine's exit.

"Aren't you going after him, you bastards?" she asked, completely forgetting who she was talking to. "Are you just going to let him _go_?"

Squall looked as if he would cheerfully chop her into pieces, if his hands weren't full. 

Frila didn't hang around long enough to find out. She ran after Irvine, as fast as her legs would carry her.

* * * * * * *

He hadn't got far, just down the corridor to the training centre. She caught up with him just as he got to the doors.

He looked at her, confused. "Frila, what…"

"So, going to kill some stuff, huh?"

"Yeah, but…"

"Mind if I join you?"

He shrugged. "Up to you."

She drew her gunblade, hissed magic down it from her junction with Oceanus.

"Let's do it."

They pushed through the doors , the jungle heat of the training centre washing over them.

She was pleased with herself for the way she fought. It was her first attempt in the Training Centre since she'd started working with Squall, and just those two sessions had really made a difference. 

But her achievements paled into insignificance next to Irvine's performance. He was deadly.

She hadn't really thought about what it meant to be a sniper assassin, or to have survived Ultimecia. This was a very different man to the one she knew; he was completely focused and dispassionate. The side of Irvine she thought of as laid-back and relaxed suddenly translated to cold and detached, a killer. There was nothing of Squall's rage, no charge, no roar. Just a look, a calculation, a pull of the trigger, and bang. Death.

They'd left an impressive swathe of dead grats in their wake by the time they got three-quarters round the circuit. Then Frila saw the T-Rex. 

She swallowed hard, tried to remember to breathe.

"I'll stun the bastard with magic," he was saying. "You go in and rip its fucking throat out."

"You say the sweetest things," she murmured, and raised her blade.

Irvine threw her a look, his eyes gleaming with something that was probably battle lust. Then he smiled. 

"You look like Squall," he said, casting a sleep spell at the beast, almost negligently.

It shook it's head, obviously confused that it should suddenly want to lie down for a nap when just a second ago it was hoping for dinner. Frila charged, blade aimed straight at the place where, according to the diagrams, she should be able to kill the creature outright. She slashed, thrust and shot. Perfect timing.

It fell dead at her feet, pumping blood in a fountain, the ground quaking from the sheer weight of the thing.

She spun round, aware of a huge grin on her face, and saw that Irvine was grinning too. A little maniacally, perhaps, but still, grinning.

She strode back to him.

"That was good," she said.

He nodded.

Quick as she could, before he had a chance to realise what she was doing, she stood on tiptoe, reached one hand round the back of his neck to pull him close, and kissed him, hard.

* * * * * * *

"Is it just me," Squall said, looking towards the doors out of the gunblade training hall, "or have I really fucked up already this morning?"

Rinoa gave a weak little laugh, and blew her nose loudly.

"I guess we could've handled it better."

"Are Selphie and Xu really…"

"Oh yes. Very much so. For two years."

"And Irvine?"

"Nothing doing there, apparently. Selphie'd told him, that she didn't want him, but not exactly why."

Squall huffed.

"I know," said Rinoa. "It wasn't fair on him. But from her point of view… she was just scared, I think. Listen, that mad gunblade cadet of yours was right, you know, we ought to go after them. What d'you say I take Xu and you take Irvine?"

Squall looked slightly panicked. "What do I say to him? 'Sorry the girl you love ran off with another woman?' I'm no good at this stuff, Rin. Really."

"You'll do just fine. Just try not to be too cross. Let him talk."

He looked helplessly at her.

"Go on. Shoo."

Not many people could get away with shooing Squall Leonhart, but Rinoa was one of them.

"But what if…"

"Come on. Walk me to Xu's office. I'll give you some tips on the way."

* * * * * * *

Irvine pulled back from Frila's kiss, breathing hard.

"Fuck," he said, his usual charm deserting him.

"Sorry," she said, not looking a bit like she meant it. "Just, wow. That was so cool."

"Me or the monster?" asked Irvine, weakly.

She gave him a cute kind of half-smile. "Both. But, hey, sorry, I know you're off limits. So let's say just the monster, shall we?"

"That would be good. Not that you're not… that is… well… uh… My life's complicated enough right now. Believe me."

"Yeah. I was noticing that. Grat."

"What?" 

"Grat, behind you." She charged past him and he heard the swish and shot of her gunblade, followed by a gentle thud.

"Damn but I'm shit hot today," she said. "Do you want to do anymore of this? Because if not I wondered if you'd like to talk."

"Aren't you still mad at me?" 

She shrugged. "Probably. But what the fuck. You're having a worse day than me. Come on. My roomie's away on field duty. Let me make you some coffee."

"Don't you have somewhere you should be?"

She checked her watch. "Well, I should be doing relaxation training with you for the another twenty minutes. Then I have a whole forty-five minutes off for breakfast, followed by an hour of Instructor Dincht and GF training. So, given that I can probably sneak a bagel in with me to Dincht's session and call that breakfast, I can give you a shoulder to cry on for an hour or so. Any good?"

He hesitated. He had promised himself he wouldn't see her again. At all. Or at the most, in a purely professional capacity. But gods, did he need someone to talk to. 

"OK. Thanks. But just… to talk."

"I promise," she said, wiping T-Rex blood and grat innards off her blade onto a nearby vine. "Your virtue is safe with me."

* * * * * * *

"Xu?" Rinoa tried the door to Selphie's room, not altogether surprised when it opened. She'd guessed that if Xu wasn't in her office, or her own room, she'd be here. 

"Leave me alone, Rinoa."

"I can't do that. I have to talk to you about Selphie." Rinoa edged round the door and into the room. 

Xu was sitting on the floor by the window, hugging her knees to her chest, squinting in the bright spring sunshine that was streaming into the room. She looked up, her face stained with fresh tears. "Why? Is there any news?"

Rinoa shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. But … Selphie told me, about the two of you. I thought you should know that I know."

"What about the two of us?" Xu whispered.

"That you're an item, that she loves you. That you've been together for a long time."

"Oh. She really told you? I thought she wanted… Oh."

"So, you see, I understand. About Irvine. And how awful it must be for you. And I just wanted to say… I'm so sorry, Xu, that I couldn't do more, that I didn't bring her back. I tried so, so hard. I promise if I could've done more I would've."

"It's OK," whispered Xu. "I know you would. Thanks, Rinoa. And.. does Irvine know?"

Rinoa nodded. "Selphie wanted him to. She was going to tell him when she got back. It's not fair on you, to go through all this and be hiding how you feel… I thought if Irvine knew, if Squall knew, it would be OK. They'll understand."

Xu sighed. "Well, I don't know if Selphie'll be pleased," she said. "But it's a relief to me, I won't pretend it isn't. It doesn't change what I think about Irvine, though."

"Why? What's he done that's so awful?"

"I don't know," she whispered. "Oh, Rin, I don't know why I hate him so much. It's really hard, I know Selphie thinks the world of him, everyone seems to, but whenever I think of him I just see red. I can't help it. I hate the way he treats women, and sex, and I hate his Guardian and…"

"Woah, just a minute. I don't suppose we have a case of Guardian incompatibility here, do we? It's not Brothers, is it?"

Xu shook her head. "No, they're fine." She stood up suddenly, rested her forehead on the cool glass of the window. "I don't know what it is. Really. I don't think it could be anything to do with Guardians. Why would it be?"

"Well, just that you said you hated Ether, and…"

"Oh. No, I don't think that's it. It's just a personality clash, is all. He's so fucking… promiscuous."

Rinoa was silent for a moment. Then she asked: "Ether or Irvine?"

"What?"

"I just wondered whether you meant Ether, or Irvine that you thought was promiscuous."

"Irvine. Both of them. Everyone knows…"

"You know better than that, Xu. Rumours are just that, rumours, gods, if we took notice of all the gossip round here we'd never trust anybody. In all the time we've known him, he's been completely devoted to Selphie, and although he could have used Ether's … appetite… as an excuse for all sorts of behaviour, he hasn't, really, has he? I know he's a flirt, but then, why shouldn't he be? He's young and attractive. He doesn't mean any harm by it. And anyway, is it really any of our business? Irvine's… Irvine. He's one of us. He's the best sniper in the world, he's the most loyal friend you could ever want, he's sensitive, kind…"

Xu turned to Rinoa, distress clear on her red-rimmed eyes. The light in the room suddenly dimmed, as clouds covered the fickle spring sun.

"Rin, he's your friend. You'll never see him like I do. Can we just agree to differ here? I just can't… it makes me feel sick, to think about him. I don't know why. It just does. And I don't want to think about him at all, I want to think about Selphie, and how we can get her back. I'll apologise to Squall, and I'm sorry to have upset you, after all you've been through. But I can't apologise to… him. I just can't. I know it's unprofessional and I'll stand by my resignation."

"Squall doesn't want your resignation. He wants Selphie back too. And he wants you running Garden just like you always have. Only…"

"Please, Rin. Don't. I can't bear it."

"Alright. Alright." Rinoa frowned, deeply worried and all the time fighting the memory of Selphie's screams echoing in her head. "Look, why don't you try and get some sleep? I'll drop by later, if you like, and we can get the rescue mission underway. Squall and Irv… and I are going to talk to Gemini and see what we can find out about Chet and Risha."

"Oh, Rin, please don't!" Xu cried, with panic verging on hysteria in her voice.

"Why on earth not? What's the matter?"

"No, just, Chet… I worked with him for years, and… if Gemini's dangerous… please, no. It's just too risky."

"Why? Xu, is there something you're not telling us?"

"No, _please_ don't. Please. I can't…" she sobbed, her whole body shaking. Too much like Selphie… Rinoa tried to put her arms around her but Xu shrank away from her touch.

"Let me call to Doc for you, maybe a sedative… Xu… shh, it's alright…"

"No. It isn't. It'll never be alright, never…"

"It will. You'll see. Come on Xu, you look so tired. Selphie would want you to take proper care of yourself, you know that. Let me call the Doc for you," Rinoa got her phone out and started to dial.

"Alright. On one condition. Don't junction Gemini, or anything, not yet. I can't explain why, it's just too dangerous. Please."

"Whatever you say, Xu." 

Xu turned back to the window, the shaking subsiding a little, and she started to sing, quietly, between the last of her sobs, as Rinoa made her phone call.

"The Doc'll be here in ten minutes," said Rinoa.

"I wonder what she's doing," Xu murmured. "I wonder if she's thinking of me."

"I'm sure she is," said Rinoa, softly. "She loves you so much."

"Yes, I think she does. Oh Selphie, I'm so sorry…"

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Xu."

"You don't know, Rinoa, you've no idea." There was a long pause. "I'd like to be alone now. I'll be alright."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please. You must have things to do, Squall and … things."

"Well, yes, but..."

"Please. Thanks for dropping by, but I need some time, just to… get used to things."

"Okay. The Doc'll be here soon. I'll come back later. Please try and get some rest, Xu."

Xu didn't respond.

Rinoa left the room, but waited outside until Dr Kadowski had arrived, before she set off to find Squall and Irvine.

And Xu just stared out of the window, singing to herself, tears running down her face like the raindrops that had begun to trickle down the window pane.

* * * * * * *

"So." Frila handed Irvine his coffee and plonked herself down on the narrow bed next to him. "Worthless bastard, eh?"

"What? Oh. Yes. Definitely. Look, I probably shouldn't… I guess you don't really have any more sympathy with me than Xu does. So, thanks for the coffee but I'm not sure I can take…"

"Shit, no. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Shit. No. I really want to help. Really. And anyway, at least finish the coffee. I know you're not capable of making your own."

"You sure? I mean, this is kinda awkward…"

"Not really. At least, not for me. Just for the record, I think she was completely out of order. Xu, I mean. Whatever you've done, she shouldn't have bawled you out like that, in front of me and everything. She must be one disturbed individual."

"She's got a lot on her mind."

"Hm. So, do you want to tell me about Selphie?"

"What about Selphie?"

Frila shrugged. "Start at the beginning. Where'd you meet her?"

"Oh. Well, we grew up together, in the orphanage. Her and me and the others. You know, Squall, Zell, Quistis. Seifer."

"Don't think I know Seifer. Unless… Oh. That Seifer."

"Yeah. Anyway, Seffie and I were always close. We got into a lot of trouble together. And then we got separated, I ended up in Galbadia and she went to Trabia… next time we met she was all grown up and …"

"You fell in love?"

Irvine smiled. "I did. I thought she had, too, for a while. But it didn't work out." He gave a bitter little laugh that didn't sound right, coming from him. "At least now I know why."

"Xu."

"Apparently. I just can't believe she'd do that to me. To be with someone else for all this time and not tell me…"

"It could be because she didn't want to hurt you."

"Maybe."

"You should talk to her about it. When she gets back from… wherever she is."

To Frila's amazement, Irvine's eyes filled with tears.

"What'd I say?" she whispered, taking his hand between both of hers, squeezing reassuringly. "Oh, Irvine, what is it? Does she really mean that much to you?"

He brushed the tears away impatiently with the back of his hand. "No," he said, thickly, "well, yes, of course, I do care about her, more than anyone in the world, but… look, I can't say where she is. But she's in a lot of danger. I think. We don't know. Fuck, she could be dead for all I know, Frila, and I don't know how to save her, and now I don't even know if she's the person I thought she was."

"Hey, come on," she gently turned his face towards hers. "You're a class A hero, remember? You'll find her and save her, and all that kind of stuff. You always do."

He shook his head. "That's Squall you're thinking of. I'm just a hanger on, really. And I can't even hang on very well any more."

"Don't, Irvine. That's just stupid. Apart from anything else, I don't imagine Squall put up with hangers on. And besides… Ultimecia."

"That seems like a long time ago… Look, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm bothering you with all this."

"Well, I guess you need someone, and your friends are pretty busy right now, aren't they? The ones that aren't calling you names in front of innocent cadets, that is."

"Yeah. I'm sorry you had to listen to that."

"Oh, don't apologise, it wasn't your fault. Actually it was quite interesting, in places. Did you really spend all yesterday afternoon screwing and smoking dope in a hotel room?"

"Oh, gods. Yes, I did."

"Well I never," she grinned at him, "you sly old dog."

A shadow of a smile crossed his face, briefly. "I'm not proud of it," he said. "It's not clever."

"You're too hard on yourself. For fuck's sake, you're only.. what, twenty? Twenty one at the outside? You work hard. You're allowed."

"No, I'm not. That's what being a SeeD means. Duty first. Always. And besides that… we're supposed to set an example. A good example."

"Oh, I see. So you don't lead impressionable young cadets astray, is that it?"

"Yes. So remember, Ms Alfryd. Drugs bad. Casual sex bad. You don't want to end up like me, do you now?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"I might," she said. "If you mean honest and warm and caring and brave, yes, I do."

"Oh, Frila," he sighed. "I'm not any of those things, you know. I've done some dreadful things. I've lied to my friends, I wasn't there when they needed me and - look at me. This isn't brave, is it? I should be out there on my white charger, not sitting here with you moaning about my ex-girlfriend."

"OK. I'll do a deal with you. You stop beating yourself up, and I promise I won't start taking drugs."

He managed a smile. "You're good at this," he said, "considering you must hate me."

She sighed. "Okay, time to 'fess up. I don't hate you. In fact I kinda like you."

"I don't know why."

"Ah, now there you go again. You see, if you keep on with the self-hate I'll be on the road to ruin in no time."

He laughed, a little feebly.

She stroked his ponytail. "I don't like your hair like that," she said. "It makes you look mean. Can I untie it?"

He nodded, once.

She knelt on the bed, so close her breasts brushed his arm, and freed his hair to fall around his face.

"There, you see," she whispered. "That's better."

Then she sat in his lap, and she was kissing him, softly, fingers twined in red-brown locks. Eventually he pulled back.

"Hotshot… no. We can't. I can't."

"Oh. Because of Selphie?"

"No. Because you're a cadet and you're too young. And I've turned over a new leaf."

"Well, we don't have to… we could do other stuff," she said, wickedly.

"You're trouble, hotshot," he said, a little sternly, although his smile was stronger now. "You'd be very bad for me."

"I'd like to see you, though," she said. "Couldn't we just… see each other?"

"We will. I'm teaching you relaxation, remember? 7am every morning until Commander Leonhart says otherwise."

"Yes. But… outside of classes?"

"Oh Frila." He sighed. "It's against the regulations. You know it is. I don't want to get you into trouble, and I have responsibilities."

"No-one need know. We could keep it secret."

"Frila…"

"OK, sorry. I'm sounding needy, aren't I? Forget I mentioned it. We can just be platonic, perfectly legal friends. It's cool. And hey, you're smiling again. That's good."

"Thank you," he said. "For listening. You've no idea how much it means to me."

"Actually, I think I have," she said, and kissed him again.

This time they were interrupted by Irvine's phone. She was amazed at how fast he answered it, and how guilty he looked.

She busied herself tying his hair back as he talked, leaving his usual bangs free at the front, and putting the rest into a neat plait down his back.

"Hey, Rin," Irvine was saying. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm just… finishing Frila's class… No, he hasn't. We er… went to the training centre… oh, we must just have missed him… I'll be there in five minutes. Are you OK?…. oh. It'll be alright, Rin. Don't worry… yeah. See you."

"Rinoa?" Frila guessed.

"Yeah. I've got to go."

"I'm due at Dincht's class anyway, and I need to get some food before I starve to death. I'll see you tomorrow, same time?"

"Yes, unless we go after Selphie. I'll let you know."

"OK. Just remember, be nice to yourself, or I won't be responsible for the consequences."

He got up, put his coffee cup down on her desk. "Thanks, Hotshot," he said. "Thanks a lot."

"That's OK," she said. "Anytime. Oh, and it worked."

"What?"

"Well," she smiled wickedly at him, "I feel much more relaxed."

"You're a bad girl," he grinned, and left.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa was pacing Squall's office, chewing nervously on a fingernail, when Irvine got there. Squall sat on his desk, frowning in that particularly intense way Irvine hadn't seen for a long time.

"Hey," Irvine said, "listen, I'm sorry, about Xu and everything… I…"

He didn't manage to finish his sentence: Rinoa flung her arms around him and gave him a huge hug. It felt so good it was a while before he could catch his breath. Even Squall threw one of his rare smiles in Irvine's direction.

"Are you OK?" Rinoa looked up at him with big brown eyes.

"'Course I am," he said. "Well, feeling pretty crap, actually. You?" 

"I've been better," she confessed. 

"So what are we going to do?" They both looked to Squall.

Irvine could remember a time when that would have panicked Squall; he used to hate being asked what to do. But leadership had become part of him now, he even expected it. 

"I want to find out what's going on with that thing in Rinoa's head," he said. "Then we need to talk to Quistis and see if any of the cameras they planted are working, or can be made to work. Then we go fetch Selphie."

"That sounds like a good plan." Irvine suddenly felt better. Very few of Squall's plans in the past hadn't worked, which was a reassuring thought.

"I promised Xu I wouldn't junction Gemini," Rinoa said. "She said it was too dangerous."

"Which is fine," said Squall, "because you're not going to. I am."

"Squall, no, if Xu said it was dangerous…"

"Why?" Irvine interjected.

"What?"

"Why is it dangerous? Did she say?"

"We know Gemini was something to do with Risha's collapse," Squall reminded him.

"But did Xu know that?"

"Of course… no. Actually, no, she didn't. She didn't know anything much about Gemini at all."

"Exactly. First you heard about it was from Oceanus."

"Does it matter?" asked Rinoa. 

"Yes, I think it does. I think Xu has a thing about Guardians, and I'm not sure I trust her."

"Irvine," warned Squall, "whatever this is between you and Xu, and I understand it must be hard with Selphie, but…"

" Anyway," Irvine carried on, "we can try. You can always break the junction if anything happens."

"That's what I've been telling him," said Rinoa. "Please, Squall, I'm a big girl now. Let me do it."

Irvine shrank back a little under the force of Squall's glare, realising he had just unwittingly been caught in the middle of an ongoing argument. And he knew from past experience that Rinoa/Squall arguments could get nasty if they got carried away: they were both particularly stubborn. 

"She can handle it," Irvine said, bravely, hoping a casting vote would settle things reasonably painlessly. "Come on, Squall, you know she can."

"That's not the point," he glowered.

"Oh, alright then," said Rinoa, giving in much earlier than Irvine had expected. "Maybe you're right. Come on then, you'd better draw it from me quick, before I change my mind."

To his credit, Squall didn't gloat at all. 

He cupped one hand at the back of Rinoa's head, slipping his fingers through her hair a little more sensuously than strictly necessary. They smiled at each other, and Irvine suddenly felt a little like a gooseberry.

Squall closed his eyes and concentrated.

Nothing happened.

"Oh," said Rinoa. "Oh, I'm sorry, Squall."

Squall lowered his hand, looking almost embarrassed.

"What happened?" asked Irvine.

"I'm sure it doesn't mean anything," said Rinoa, still talking to Squall, a trace of wickedness in her voice, " it must happen to everyone from time to time…"

"Oh," said Irvine, "it wouldn't junction with you."

"No," said Squall. "It wouldn't."

"Well, that's OK. Rin can do it, I'm sure. Or I could…"

"No," said Squall, quickly, "I'm sure Rinoa is more than capable."

Irvine allowed himself a grin. "You're pissed," he observed, "because it wouldn't junction with you."

Squall glared at him.

"First time you were turned down, huh?" Irvine teased, "well, don't worry. It happens from time to time… or so I'm told."

"Just shut up, Kinneas. Let's get on."

Rinoa giggled.

"I don't see what's funny," Squall glowered. "Come on, Rinoa. It's all yours."

"Okay."

Rinoa took a deep breath, and gently slipped Gemini Pandora into junction.

__

~Gemini?~

~Sorceress. I am yours.~

~I have some questions. Is that okay?~

~Of course.~

~What did you do to hurt Risha?~

~I did nothing.~

~But you were there?~  


~I was with the Questor.~

~The one we call Chet?~

~Yes.~

~So what happened to Risha?~

~She saw that which she did not want to see.~

~Right. How did that happen exactly?~

~Bane made her see.~

~Bane? Who's Bane?~

~The Great One with Chet.~

~What? I thought you were… oh. I see. Chet had another Guardian, apart from you?~

~Yes. Bane. Bane needed to feed.~

~So you didn't hurt Risha at all?~

~No.~

~And you wouldn't hurt me, either, would you?~

~Never. You are worthy. Questor was not worthy.~

~And Squall?~

~I needed to be with you. You were in danger and would not let me come. I had to show you I could be trusted.~

~I see. So, where did Bane come from?~

~I do not know.~

~It feeds on fear?~

~Yes. Fear. Anger. Hate. Energy.~

~And what do you feed on?~

~Noble battle. The triumph of victory.~

~Right. Good. Very good. One last question. Do you have any idea what we can do to save Selphie?~

~No. She is probably dead.~

Rinoa felt a chill up her spine.

__

~How do you know?~

~I do not. Only that Questor and Bane would not let her live.~

~You don't know what happened?~

~I was not with you.~

~Of course. I hadn't junctioned you. And you were knocked out, weren't you? When I… whatever happened to me. So you don't remember anything either.~

~I cannot.~

~Alright. Thank you Gemini.~

~My honour, Sorceress.~

Rinoa let the junction go.

"Are you alright?" said Squall, anxiously.

"I'm fine. And so's Gemini. She wasn't the one Oceanus was talking about, Chet had another Guardian. Called Bane."

"Fuck! Fuck that hurts! Fuck, Ether…"

Rinoa and Squall just managed to catch Irvine as he passed out.

* * * * * * *

Selphie tried to press herself further into the corner of the room, into the darkness, hoping she might disappear altogether.

She could hear the footsteps ringing in the corridor outside. 

He was coming for her again.

She curled up as tight as she could, pressing her face into dirty knees crusted with dried blood, and tried not to think, tried to block the memories that kept flooding and flooding and flooding into her head. Memories from her earliest childhood, from yesterday and the first day of her life and everyday in between, all appearing fresh and new and at once, with no sense of sequence or time. Her throat was raw with screaming, she just whimpered now. 

Worst of all were the memories of Irvine; old memories, like the day they'd been separated at the orphanage; the day she confessed to him she didn't love him, but couldn't tell him why. Worse than that were new memories, of Irvine's betrayal. Rinoa's betrayal. Of blind rage and blood and pain and regret.

She cried softly, rocking back and forth. The footsteps were close now. The door would open soon, and he would be there.

She couldn't take any more.

She wanted to die. Only… she'd promised. She'd promised Xu she would come back. Xu hadn't hurt her. Xu loved her. Really loved her.

And anyway, it wasn't right, it didn't _fit._ How could she have forgotten? What order did it happen in? How could she have split up with Irvine twice, in two different ways? Which was real? Were both real? Or neither?

The door crashed open.

"Still with us, then? My, but your mind's strong. We'll have to see what we can do about that."

"No. No, please…" she tried to get up, to defend herself, but the pain in her head was just too much, she didn't want to move…

She squinted at him; he held her nunchaka in his hand, but she didn't have the strength even to try and reclaim her weapon. She couldn't even stand.

"It's very worthy you know, dedicating yourself to science like this. The things we learn from you will be so, so useful. I can't thank you enough."

She looked up at him; she would have spat at him, but her mouth was too dry.

"You bastard. What are you doing here? Why?" her voice rasped like sandpaper on stone.

"This and that. Research. Earning a living. Now, it's time for another little trip down memory lane, I'm afraid. You do still remember, don't you?"

She didn't answer.

Her nunchaka struck her painfully across the legs.

"I know you do. We've never had anyone remember so much and survive. You're amazing. Now, let's see if we can break you today." He signalled to the guards with him.

She felt the pull on her shoulders, as she was lifted by the arms, half dragged do the door, searing pain shooting through her skull.

She thought she probably could have died, if she'd wanted to. It felt as if she could just let go of her mind and fade away. 

But she couldn't. She couldn't let Xu down, or Squall, or Zell, or Quistis. Or, as bitter and hollow as it felt, Irvine, or Rinoa. So she formed a tune in her mind, and with all the determination she could muster, she set about trying to survive.


	19. Between

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This is a wee bit smutty and includes slash; censored a little to meet the R rating. Full version as intended is on my website www.scribblemoose.co.uk. 

Please tell me what you think of all this, if you can bear to, by review or email (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

************************************************************

****

Chapter 19 - Between

Quistis looked at the ceiling. There were no cracks, no blemishes. Nothing.

When she'd been a little girl, in the orphanage, there had a been a lot of cracks in the ceiling. The building was old and built of stone, near to the beach. It had settled into the ground over the years, each shift, each tide marked in the plaster. Quistis remembered lying on her bed next to Selphie and making pictures out of the cracks and flakes of paint; Selphie always made the best ones, whole scenes with dragons and trees and mountains, while Quistis could just about make out shapes and faces. When it got dark, Selphie would make up stories about her pictures and whisper them to herself as she drifted off to sleep.

Quistis couldn't move.

She didn't know what time it was: judging by the light it was probably about midday, but she couldn't be certain without opening the blinds. She supposed that eventually someone would drop by to summon her to a debriefing. In fact she was surprised no-one had called her already. But then again, why would they? Rinoa could tell them everything there was to tell. What could she add? A detailed account of how she'd waited, and waited, and done absolutely fuck-all to keep Selphie safe?

There was nothing wrong with her body. She just couldn't move.

It hurt, now, to remember how much she'd looked forward to the mission. She'd wanted so much for it to be like old times, working as a team, people around her like family, the rush of victory. But, of course, it hadn't turned out like that. She'd failed. Again. She couldn't be trusted. Not to teach, not to lead a mission. Squall would never be able to depend on her again.

She had no reason to move.

She should have known what would happen. She should have been prepared, known more about the Dia. She should have guessed that Chet, or something like him, would be there. She shouldn't have got drunk that night, made a fool of herself, had so little sleep. She should have been more alert, sent a probe down when she first realised they'd been gone longer than they should. She shouldn't have left Selphie there and run, she should have stayed and found some way to save her. 

If she moved, the world might shatter.

She couldn't imagine what would happen next. She supposed they would go back and rescue Selphie, somehow, if she were still alive. Strange thing was, she didn't much care what happened next. It didn't feel as if it was anything to do with her. The future was something that was going to happen to other people. Not her. She didn't deserve a future.

So why move?

* * * * * * *

Irvine woke up to find himself, strangely, still asleep.

"Sniper."

It was like a dream: there was fog, and a long path, and the sound of the ocean.

"Sniper." Not a voice in his head this time: a real voice. Soft, sweet, thick, like melting marshmallow in hot chocolate.

"Ether? Where am I? "

"Between"

"Between what? I didn't die, did I?" He was fairly sure he hadn't, but there seemed no harm in checking.

"You live. You will be well. You are between sleep and wake."

"I can't see you."

"I am here. You know me."

"Did you… bring me here?"

"Yes."

"Why?

"To explain what happened."

"What? Why I passed out? The pain?"

"It is not natural."

"The pain?"

"The Great One with The Sorceress is not natural."

"What do you mean, not natural?"

"It is … altered. It hurts us. It's feelings, it's thoughts are wrong."

"Wrong as in… evil?"  


"Unnatural." 

Irvine was reminded that Guardians didn't have the same kind of morality as he did. Or any kind of morality at all, really. As if he _needed _ reminding of that...

"I must tell Rinoa. Can you wake me up?"

"No. But you will wake up, soon. When you are well."

"Is it dangerous? Will it hurt her?"

"It finds her Worthy. We do not harm that which we find Worthy."

"Good. So… you still find me worthy, right?"

"Sniper, you are magnificent."

He couldn't help grinning. 

"Thank you. So we're okay, you and me?"

"You are Worthy. I am yours."

"And this Bane Rinoa was talking about? Who's Bane?"

"I know no Bane."

"Oh."

"Be still. Be well."

"What? Ether?"

The voice was gone.

Irvine looked about him, caught sight of tiny waves trickling over the path in front of him, through the fog. The tide was evidently coming in, and there was nowhere to go to outrun it. Strangely, the thought didn't concern him, much.

* * * * * * *

Selphie raised her head, determined that she would stay awake this time, at least. Being awake was better than the dreams. Anything was better than the dreams.

Well, almost anything.

She'd managed to block out the music by holding her own song in her head, and that helped. It kept the feelings at bay, at least, and she could look more dispassionately at the memories, as if she were watching a movie, and they belonged to someone else.

For all she knew, they did.

She concentrated on what Chet was doing, telling herself that whatever he had in mind for her this time, she could bear it. 

Had in mind. Heh.

It would have been easier if he'd beaten her. She'd taken beatings before: from bullies when she first arrived at Garden, from Seifer in the desert prison, from monsters and men in battles. It was part of her life, pain and injury, and she'd learned to turn it to her advantage, to use it to fashion that clear, bright sense of purpose that sharpened her wits and made her all the more deadly when the opening came for her revenge.

But he hadn't beaten her.

He'd raped her past.

He'd put his fingers in her mind and stirred about; looked at the things she kept safe and secret, the things she cherished because they were shared with those she loved, her worst fears, her happiest daydreams, he'd taken them all and looked at them, one by one, carelessly, brutally, before he tossed them back to her like they were garbage, with a sneer. He'd taken her thoughts and tainted them, so they weren't hers any more, polished the pain and fear and dulled her comfort.

The only thing he hadn't touched, yet, was Xu. She'd managed to keep her feelings and memories of Xu apart, somehow. Whenever she felt him searching, looking for her love, her desire, she gave him Irvine instead. It wasn't hard to fake, especially after the memories had come back. She had undeniably loved him, once, more than she'd ever thought she could. And it seemed to be what he expected. Then again, it was what everyone expected of Irvine. Guns and women. Selphie.

It worked. 

Well, that wasn't surprising. She'd kept her feelings for Xu secret for so long, she'd got real good at it. And it seemed so far away from all this pain and dirt that it didn't seem real any more, that gentle, unambiguous, loyal love. It must have been a dream. Whatever it was, Selphie protected it and hid it, and kept it from him.

He liked Irvine, for some reason. He kept coming back to it. At first she'd thought he'd suspected something, but then she realised, with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, that he just enjoyed her memories of Irvine, real or otherwise. He kept replaying the afternoon in Esthar, the softness of Irvine's hair, the gentleness of his touch, the soft wash of his tongue and the grace of his body; his hazy violet eyes in the soft light of the hotel room, the arch of his back as he came, the purr of his voice as he spoke her name.

It was easy to make him think she loved Irvine.

Chet wanted him, too.

Body and mind and spirit.

She felt like a traitor. To offer up Irvine like this, to let Chet take that beautiful body, perfect lust, tender love, that golden afternoon. Whatever Irvine had or hadn't done, however he'd betrayed her, it wasn't as bad as this. 

But it was better than giving up Xu. Anything was better than that.

So she braced herself, as he came towards her, put the crystal to her heart, the vial to her lips, and made her drink. 

She let the thing into her mind and offered it titbits to feed on, to distract it: she gave it Irvine, piece by piece.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa dreamed, curled in the chair in Squall's office, waiting for Irvine to wake.

__

She was in her father's beach house, where she'd spent so many summers as a child. She wandered through the rooms, looking for something, she wasn't sure what, but she'd left something here. She heard something that sounded like violence.

She went into the kitchen and found Seifer and Squall, fucking, not fighting… Squall was bent over the table, hot cheek on cold marble, not love, or affection, or even lust. Just power. Control. Violence. He couldn't take Squall on the battlefield, but he sure as hell could take him on the kitchen table. 

Squall wasn't struggling; he wanted this.

She couldn't watch. It hurt to watch. She didn't want him to find out she was there but he looked at her, and he knew, and it hurt him, that she knew, and that hurt her back, and she couldn't bear it…

Then she was on the beach, with Irvine, just Irvine, soft wet kisses on her skin like honey… he undressed her, smiled at her with that smile that made her instantly wet between the legs, touched her with soft, gentle fingers … she understood him completely, with no doubts, she believed him and trusted him with a certainty she'd never felt before, not even for Squall. 

Then Squall was there too: he was crying, so sad, so lost and frightened, it made her heart ache. She and Irvine pulled him to them and comforted him, dried his tears with their hair and held him in their arms… until he understood, until he believed and trusted them and they believed and trusted him and it was perfect.

The sea washed over them, the tide came in, and they might have drowned in their pleasure, if they'd noticed.

* * * * * * *

Zell found he could speak and think at the same time.

About different things.

He watched the faces of the cadets in front of him, keeping a mental note of who was paying attention to him and who was drifting off, frowning disapprovingly at the redhead at the back who had decided to combine class with breakfast, brushing doughnut sugar off her notebook, oblivious, presumably, to the small blob of jam on her nose. Then he recognised her: Frila. Oh well. Squall had probably whooped her ass already this morning, so no point adding to her problems. Though she looked remarkably happy, and bruise-free, considering. Even a little cute, with the jam and all. 

Zell knew he was talking about junctions, about how to make sure you spread the power about, not putting all of it into your attack, or your defence, always keeping the right kind of magic ready. Apart from Frila, all the cadets were seniors, expected to become full SeeDs in the autumn graduation. Most of them had heard all this before, if only at a theoretical level, but on the whole they were gratifyingly attentive. 

He just wanted to get the class finished, and go. He wanted to get moving. He couldn't stand still for another moment…

Someone had their hand raised. He nodded at them.

"Instructor Dincht? Is it true that Guardians eat your memories?"

He hated that question. It was well-known, of course, that SeeDs tended to suffer from memory-loss. All cadets were trained to keep a journal from the day they came to Garden, in preparation for the day they'd depend on them to be sure what was real and what was a hazy dream, or deja-vu, or nothing at all. 

But they didn't really explain it to them, unless they asked, until they were already committed.

"They don't feed on memories," he said, his stock answer. "But as a side effect of the power they give us, we may suffer some short-term memory loss." No-one was sure, actually, if that was true, not even Xu. The Guardians claimed not to feed on memories. They didn't really understand memories, time seemed different for them, so it wasn't an issue like it was for linear beings like people. 

"Can we get the memories back?"

"Yes. That's why we keep journals. It takes a while for the memories to go, and if we write down the day's events every day, we can regain approximately 95% of our memory loss, depending on the detail we put into the diaries. Does that answer your question?" The tone of his voice implied very much that he would prefer it if it did.

The cadet nodded, apparently satisfied for now. "Thank you, sir."

It was like the time Zell's little brother had asked him what happened to people when they died. It threw Zell into complete panic, he wanted to fetch Ma, get her to explain, he had no idea how you could explain death to a five-year old. But Ma was busy cooking, and there wasn't anyone else, and anyhow he shouldn't be such a coward. So he just said everyone went to another world, when they'd done what they had to in this world. He was going to say more, but before he had a chance there was a new question, 'what's for lunch, Zelly?' and that was it. And that was as it should be: surely he was too small, too happy, too safe, to really want to know about death.

Zell had always known about death.

His currently-earliest memory was of making friends with a little girl in the orphanage, whom he liked because she had cute yellow curls and cried even more than he did. He made her smile, which made him feel good; to be the comforter rather than the comforted. She'd had a fever when she arrived, and Matron had warned them all that she might not live very long. He knew what that meant, somehow, even then. So he wasn't surprised when Quistis came to him one morning, when he was playing by himself down by the sea, and explained that his friend had gone to heaven and wouldn't be living with them any more.

She'd held him as he cried, stroking his hair, rocking him gently back and forth to the rhythm of the waves. 

He explained and asked questions and made them think, but all the time his feet wouldn't stay still. He paced the classroom and watched the clock.

He had to get moving. Soon. Or it might be too late.

* * * * * * *

__

Squall watched them sleep: Rinoa curled in his chair, twitching slightly as she dreamed; Irvine on the couch, mouth slightly open, but not snoring. 

Squall sat cross-legged on his desk, waiting, frowning, hair tumbled over his eyes.

Brooding.

Thinking.

Remembering.

It was starting to make sense, a little. Gemini had offered him the name of an enemy, and he knew how to deal with enemies. Hunt it down, find its weakness, obliterate it. 

His mouth formed a grim smile at the thought. Home territory, at last.

Other things were more complicated. There was something, nagging at his mind, that he couldn't grasp. Like when he hadn't been able to think about Rinoa, he kept not wanting to look at it, but he knew it was there. They were there. Ideas, memories, dreams… 

The dreams. He forced himself to look, calming his mind, bracing himself for whatever horror he might find.

He watched Irvine sleep.

And he knew.

There were a lot of dreams, all different, but one of them wasn't like the others. The one that was the most difficult, the most painful, the most terrifying to look at, the one that made him want to cringe away, that was the one.

That was the one that was real.

__

~I don't know what you're doing in my head, but you can get the fuck out.~

~Lionhart.~

~Ether. I didn't junction you. How did you do this?~

~I am a memory of Ether. Ether is with Sniper.~

~Have you been here since we joined? That afternoon, after Irvine and Rinoa…~

~Yes. I am here to protect.~

~Protect what, exactly? Irvine? Me? Did Irvine think I couldn't cope, is that it?~

~I am here to protect.~

~Oh, no you don't. I'm tired of fucking riddles. Just tell me. What are you doing in my mind?~

~I must protect. Lionhart, Sniper, Sorceress. Together.~

~Why? Does Ether want a nice juicy threesome to feed off, is that it? Are you trying to get us to act out some sick kind of fantasy for you?~

~Love. The bond is there. It must remain.~

__

~Love? Not lust? Love?~

~Love, like rope, entwined.~

~Stronger than the separate strands~ I remember, he thought, _Quistis told me that, before we beat Adel. Her whip was like the six of us, she said, all bound together, stronger together than the sum of our parts. I think I told her to fuck off._ He winced. _Poor Quistis. I was so mean to her, to all of them._

~So it did happen, then? It was real?~

~You must forget.~

He felt a rush of power in his mind.

~No! Fuck, no, please!~ He surprised himself by the force of his own words, he hadn't realised how important this was. _~Please don't. I want to remember. It happened. I can deal with it. Gods know, I've dealt with worse. I don't… mind. I just don't want you playing with my mind. Please.~_

The power dissipated, withdrew.

__

~You must not break the rope.~

~Okay. I understand. But Irvine.. Sniper, does he remember? Have you blocked his mind, too?~

~Sniper always remembers.~

Squall's eyes widened.

__

~Then why… why didn't he…~

~He understands.~

~Understands what?~

~The need. He wakes soon. I am no longer needed here. I go.~

Squall watched Irvine sleep.

And remembered.


	20. Waking

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Please tell me what you think of all this, if you can bear to, by review or email (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) Thank you ^ ^

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Chapter 20 - Waking

Squall watched Irvine and Rinoa, and thought hard. A plan was forming in his mind, at last. 

The door swooshed open, and Zell bounded in, mindless of Squall's glare. 

"Squall, hi, I've done teaching for the day. When are we setting out?"

Squall frowned. "Setting out where?"

"To get Selphie! We are going, aren't we?"

Rinoa stirred, trying to snuggle into the padded leather of the chair as if it were a pillow.

"What's up with them?" asked Zell, noticing the Irvine and Rinoa for the first time.

"Rinoa just dozed off and Irvine passed out."

Zell smirked. "What on earth did you do to them?"

"Nothing! What? Oh, Zell, for goodness' sake."

Rinoa opened one eye. "Zell? Oh, hey Zell."

"Hey, Rin. You OK?"

"Better," she yawned and stretched, looked over towards Irvine. "He still out?"

Squall nodded. "Yeah. It won't be long now, I don't think."

"Is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?" asked Zell, hopping from foot to foot.

"Later," said Squall. "We need a proper briefing. I'll get Quistis to arrange something for later today."

"So, when are we going? I'll cancel tomorrow's classes, shall I?"

Squall shook his head. "There's no need to do that."

"We are… we are going to get her, aren't we?"

"No," said Squall. "At least, not yet. Not all of us."

Zell looked crestfallen. He stopped hopping. "Squally, you can't leave me out. This is Selphie."

"For fuck's sake, Zell, don't call me Squally. And I've got to do whatever gives us the best shot at getting her home alive. You know that."

"But…"

"I'm not saying who's coming and who's not, yet. I'm just saying wait. That's all."

Zell slumped into the chair Rinoa had just vacated, crushed.

There was a groan from the couch: Irvine was evidently waking up. "Fuck, my head hurts." Irvine pulled himself to a sitting position, rubbing his temples.

__

~Curaga~ Rinoa tossed magic to him.

"Fuck, no!" _~Reflect~_

"What?" Rinoa exclaimed in surprise, as her own spell healed her of non-existent wounds. "Irvine, are you OK?"

"Yeah, it's just… was that from Gemini? The magic?"

Rinoa shook her head. "Of course not. I make my own magic, remember?"

__

Of course. Way to over-react, Kinneas. "Sorry, Rin. There's something wrong, with Gemini."

"What, exactly?" Squall launched himself off the desk and came over to them.

"It won't hurt Rin," Irvine explained, "but it's been changed in some way. Altered."

"Altered?" 

"That's all Ether could tell me. It's thoughts and feelings are unnatural, and that hurt Ether - and me, apparently. Are you junctioned, Rin?"

Rinoa shook her head. "Just woke up," she said.

"Oh, gods, it didn't hurt you, did it?"

"No, no, I was just waiting for you to wake up, with Squall, and I guess I dropped off."

Zell cleared his throat. "Excuse me," he said, "but could someone tell me what's going on?"

"It's complicated," said Squall. "It'll wait 'til the briefing. I need to check some facts first." Zell looked crushed, but Squall took no notice. "Rinoa, I don't want you junctioning that thing again."

"You sound like my father," she said, teasing.

He looked crossly at her. "I mean it."

She poked him in the ribs, making Irvine wince in sympathy with Squall, and wonder where she got her nerve from. "It's alright," she said, "I won't junction Gemini again without your permission, Commander. Still, I'm glad we tried this time. At least we learned something." She raised her hand to cover another yawn, apparently oblivious of Squall's glare. "Hey, I feel better. That sleep did me good."

"Is Quistis alright today?" asked Zell, suddenly.

Squall shrugged. "I don't know, I haven't seen her. I guess she's still asleep."

"Hasn't anyone checked on her?"

They looked at each other. 

"It wouldn't have been right to disturb her," said Rinoa. "She must need the rest. She drove all that way back last night, and we didn't get much sleep the night before."

"Why?" asked Squall. 

"We had a little party," said Rinoa. "Gods, it seems like a lifetime ago."

Squall looked distinctly disapproving, but decided not to pursue it just at the moment. "Right. Rinoa, you and I are going to see Xu. If she's alright. Zell, will you check on Quistis?"

"Of course." Zell was out of the room and on his way almost before Squall had finished his sentence, without even a goodbye.

Rinoa picked up her sweater and pulled it round her shoulders. "Okay, Commander. Let's go."

Squall looked at Irvine. "You OK?"

Irvine nodded. "Yeah. Headache's gone now. Anything you want me to do?"

"I need to talk to you. Later. I'll come and find you. And I need a report. The written kind. Make sure your journal's up to date, and I want absolutely everything you've got on Ether. I'll get Frila to talk to Oceanus about Bane and you can include that, too."

__

Oh, great, thought Irvine. Paperwork. My favourite. He got the distinct feeling that he'd pissed Squall off, big-time, but he couldn't think how. In the brief period between entering the room and being knocked unconscious, Irvine distinctly remembered Squall smiling at him. There wasn't so much as a trace of that Squall in the eyes that were boring into Irvine now.

"Of course," he said. "Report. My best handwriting and everything. Promise."

Rinoa gave Irvine a little kiss on his forehead, and ran her fingers over his braid. "I like your hair like that," she said. "Must've made your arms ache, though," a slight frown flickering across her face.

"Uh… yeah." He pulled his hair over his shoulder, noticing the plait for the first time. 

"Ask me, next time," said Rinoa, "I'll do yours and you can do mine."

"When you two have finished with the girly hair talk," said Squall, pointedly, "we have things to do?"

"Sorry," Rinoa giggled, and with a conspiratorial wink at Irvine, followed Squall out of the room.

Irvine stood up slowly, still feeling a little disorientated.

He really didn't feel like writing a report. And besides, there were questions about Bane that he needed to find answers for. For now, he decided, the report could wait.

With a pang of guilt that he hadn't done it already, he set out to go check on Risha.

* * * * * * *

"Quistis? Quisty? Are you in there?"

__

No. I'm not. Go away. Quistis clamped her hands over her ears to block out the sound of Zell's concerned voice.

"Quisty, are you alright?"

__

No. Not that you care.

"Come on, you must be there. I'm worried about you. Look, I'm sorry and all but I'm going to use the emergency code. It's only in case you're lying in a pool of blood, ok?"

__

Pool of blood? Now there's an idea. "It's okay, Zell, I'm alright. Just go away."  


"Oh, thank gods. I thought something had happened…"

"No. Just trying to get some sleep."

"Right. Sorry, if I woke you. Squall wants a briefing, this afternoon. He didn't say what time, I guess the usual. He'll probably be in touch himself. Just thought I'd warn you. You sure you're OK?"

"I'm fine, Zell," _Just useless and dead inside, nothing you need to worry your sweet, empty little head about. _"I'm just going to have a shower. See you later, alright?"

"Okay. Look, if you need anything…"

"Yeah, right. Don't you have classes to teach, or something?"

"Well, no, but..."

"I really need to get in the shower now."

"Alright. I'll see you later."

"Goodbye, Zell."

"Bye."

She waited, listening to be sure he'd gone.

Then she pulled the covers over her head, and started to cry.

* * * * * * * *

Squall and Rinoa found Xu in her office, sitting at her computer, searching files.

She looked a lot calmer, Rinoa noticed with relief, and although her eyes were still puffy and swollen, she wasn't crying any more. She still looked tired, though.

"Hey Xu," she said, gently. "You doing alright?"

She gave a little smile. "Better, thanks. The Doc gave me something. Thanks, Rin."

"That's okay."

Squall cleared his throat a little. "I'm sorry about Selphie," he said. "We'll get her back. That's a promise."

Xu turned her attention back to her computer screen. "Yes," she said, "I'm sure you will."

"We'll do it together," said Rinoa. 

Xu shook her head, pushing her chair back from the desk. "No. You won't want anything to do with me after what I've got to tell you. But I have to tell you. It's the only chance Selphie's got."

Rinoa looked confused, but Squall was just watching her closely, his face impassive.

"It's to do with the crystals, isn't it?" he said quietly.

Xu didn't look up. She just nodded. "And a Guardian," she said, "called Bane."

* * * * * * *

Risha had been moved to another part of the Infirmary, out of the emergency area. When Irvine arrived, she was sitting up in bed, a sketch pad balanced on her knees, concentrating hard on whatever she was drawing.

The sight filled his heart with hope: she looked so calm and ordinary.

Then he got closer, and saw that although she had full control of her pencil, for all her concentration the only things she was managing to put on the page were childish scribbles.

"Hey, sweetheart," he sat on the edge of the bed. "I brought you chocolate," she watched him curiously as he carefully placed a gift-wrapped box on her bedside table. "I know what girls need most in the world, you see."

"You're nice," she said, with a tiny smile. "Who are you?"

"I'm Irvine," he said. "Pleased to meet you."

She held out her hand, and he shook it, gently.

"You're nice," she repeated, the smile a little bigger.

"You drawing?" he asked.

She nodded. "Just… practising," she said, with a frown. "I can't get what I want out of my head."

"Oh."

"I like your hat. Can I wear it?"

"'Course," he took his hat off and popped it on her head. It was far too big for her and covered her eyes; she reminded him of Selphie at her bounciest and most childlike. Very sweet.

She giggled. "I can't see," and pushed it back a little, peeking out at him, distinctly child-like. "That's better."

"You look very cute. So, how are they treating you here?"

"Okay. They're nice to me." She turned her attention back to the pad on her knees. "I wish I could draw. I want to get it out of my head."

He felt a tingle run up his spine. "What, sweetheart? What do you want out of your head?"

"The thing. The thing I can't… It's hiding."

__

~Ether?~

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~Sniper.~

~Can we go in her head without her knowing?~

~No. It could alarm. Hurt. Unless she allowed.~

~Can you sense anything? Has she got any of her memories back?~

~I cannot tell.~

~Okay. Thanks.~

She'd gone back to her scribbling, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth slightly in concentration.

"Risha…"

"Who's Risha?"

"Oh, sorry, sweetheart. I meant you."

"I'm not Risha."

"No, okay. Sweetheart, I was going to ask you… I have an idea. I could look, in your head. See if I can help you get … whatever it is, out. What do you think about that?"

"Can you?" she looked at him with wide eyes. "Can you see in people's heads?"

"Well, yes. Kind of. But only if it's okay with you?"

"And then could I draw properly?"

"I'm not sure. You might. You might not. Do you think it's worth a try?"

She nodded, slowly. "It won't hurt, will it?"

Irvine shook his head. "No. I'll hold your hands the whole time, and if you want me to stop, just squeeze, okay? And I'll stop."

"Okay," she smiled at him, conspiratorially. "I like you. You're nice."

He couldn't help but smile back. "I like you, too." He took her hands in his, and looked into her deep brown eyes. They seemed huge, and were slightly flecked with green.

__

~Ether.~

He felt Ether slip into her ravaged mind, and followed.

* * * * * * *

Quistis was curled up in a ball under the covers. The air around her was hot, and stale; her body trembled.

Sometime soon, Squall would be calling her. She'd have to get up. Otherwise he'd think something was wrong, and there would be questions she didn't want to answer.

Somehow, she had to get up.

__

~Pandemonia?~

~I wait to serve, Instructor.~

The name felt like a knife through her heart. Another reminder of her failure, her weakness.

__

~Be with me.~

The Guardian slipped smoothly into junction, and Quistis immediately started to feel better. At least she could stop her body shaking now.

__

~You are distressed.~

~I'm alright.~

~Let me heal you.~

~No, I… I'm fine, I…~

Tears filled her eyes again, she felt every muscle tense.

__

~You need to heal.~

~Alright. Yes. Please.~

~Full-life. Curaga.~

The magic flowed through Quistis' veins, and in one movement she threw off the covers, gulping in fresh, cool air. With quivering fingers she wrenched open the drawer of her nightstand and grappled the stopper out of a vial of elixir, drinking the precious liquid down so fast she spilled some, multicoloured rivulets dribbling down her chin and splashing on her naked breasts.

She sighed deeply, not noticing the fizzy tingle against her skin. She was just relieved that maybe, just maybe, she'd found a way to get through whatever was left of the day.

* * * * * * *

Irvine pulled back with Ether, and refocused on Risha's trusting eyes.

"Are you OK?" he whispered.

"Yes. I feel fine. It… kind of tickled."

He smiled. "I'm glad. Now, how about trying another drawing?"

"I'm a bit tired. But I'll try."

She carefully flipped over her pad to a clean sheet of paper, and started to draw.

Irvine watched her carefully, as an image formed in front of his eyes.

She was drawing the sea, the beach nearest the Fire Caverns, with considerable skill. She sketched the cave, the surf… and finally, she drew a young woman. He recognised her. It was Risha. She was drawing herself. 

"Is that what's been bothering you, sweetheart?" he asked. "Is that you?"

"Oh, no," she replied. "Not me. It's Risha." She turned the picture towards him brightly, seeking approval.

"It's beautiful, sweetheart." He took her hand, kissed it, making sure she couldn't pick up any of the worry or anger he felt. "You're so clever. Is that better?"

She nodded. "Much. It's not hiding now. I'll draw more soon. I'm tired, though. Might sleep."

"That's a good idea." He gently took the pad and pencil from her, and put them on the bedside table as she snuggled back under her blankets. 

She handed him his hat, with a yawn; he took it, and caught her hand, noticing something he hadn't spotted before.

"Sweetheart, what are these marks? On your wrist?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. They itch, sometimes. It's alright, though. Nurse said they were an allergy. Nothing to worry about. Thank you for the chocolate."

"You're welcome," he fussed with her blankets a bit, kissed the top of her head.

It was a bit like when he used to look after Selphie, in the orphanage. 

"Come see me again?" Her eyes were fluttering closed.

"Of course. And next time I'll bring comics as well as chocolate. I promise."

"You really know how to treat a girl," she murmured with a smile, and drifted off to sleep.

Irvine quietly slipped out of the Infirmary, and headed for his room. The corridors were crowded with cadets spilling out of class; it must be the end of the day already. He caught himself looking for Frila, and yet was actually surprised when he saw her. She was leaning against a locker, talking to a young man with spiky hair, ends tipped with pink. He was looking at her in a way that Irvine, for some reason, found irritating.

He walked past as fast as he could, hoping she wouldn't see him, but he still managed to catch a snippet of their conversation.

"Sorry, I can't go for coffee today after all," she was saying, "Commander Leonhart wants a report and I haven't even started it yet."

"Well, tomorrow maybe? If you're not to important to hang out with the likes of me anymore?"

She laughed. "Yeah, sure, tomorrow. I'm not important, he just likes giving me truckloads of work. I think it's just to keep me out of trouble."

Her voice faded as Irvine turned the corner, a smile creeping onto his lips.

* * * * * * *

"I think you'd better start from the beginning." Squall leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest, waiting. 

Xu paused, took a drink from the glass of water she held in her hand. "It was the first batch of crystals, the ones that Edea sent us," she said, her voice so quiet Rinoa found she had to strain to hear her properly. "They were sent to me to organise a preliminary analysis on." She was concentrating hard, apparently fighting to get the words out, her eyes full of pain. "I found something… unexpected. A Guardian. Trapped in one of the crystals." She took a deep breath.

"Bane," said Squall.

Xu nodded. "I drew it," she whispered. "I'd never heard of a Guardian in an inanimate object like that before. I was really intrigued."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" asked Rinoa.

"I did," said Xu. "I told … I … can't…" she took another gulp of water. "I told Ch..Ch.."

"Chet?" Rinoa guessed.

Xu nodded.

Squall waited, perfectly still.

"In the end he… he… drew… it from me," she stammered. "He wouldn't let me tell anyone. He did exp… eriments. He took over the whole crystal research programme and kept it secret."

"Which is why we don't know anything," said Squall in a slow monotone. "He never reported to you, did he?"

"No. I've been trying to find anything, any evidence he might have left… but it's all gone, and I can't.. can't…" her face was screwed up with the effort of speaking, as if every word caused her pain. Rinoa watched her with concern, took her hand.

"So," there was a dangerous edge to Squall's voice now, "instead of finding out more about the crystals, and this Guardian, so we can be ready for the Dia, like Edea asked us to, we've actually been supporting a research programme for our enemy? And you sent Selphie and Rinoa to infiltrate - why? Did you know that's where Chet had gone?"

Xu didn't say anything, just gulping.

"Xu, answer me." Squall ignored Rinoa's glare.

"No, I didn't know he was missing, then. And when I realised, I was fairly sure what had happened, that he'd defected. I tried to contact him, but his pager wouldn't work, nobody's would that night; I think he'd blocked the signal so we couldn't follow him.… I tried to get you to cancel the mission, but I couldn't… not without you finding out what I'd done…"

"Why didn't you just _tell_ us?" asked Rinoa, gently.

"At first, Chet threatened me," Xu whispered. "He said if I told anyone, he'd let Bane into my head."

"Like he did to Risha," said Squall.

Xu winced at the mention of Risha's name, nodded. "And then, later… I tried to confront him… I woke up in my own room. I lost a whole night. And after that, I couldn't think about it. Every time I did, it felt horrible. It still does. I can't tell you… everything… it's taken me a whole day to be able to tell you this, and it feels like there's a knife twisting in my gut and I can't think, and it hurts so much…" Rinoa caught her as she slumped forwards, sobbing now, "… but I have to tell you, because you have to save Selphie…"

Squall didn't move.

"Is there anything else you aren't telling us?" he said.

Xu shook her head. "I… can't… hurts too much…."

"But you must have known, if you'd told us right at the beginning, that we'd have protected you from Bane. And Chet," he persisted.

She said nothing, her face buried in Rinoa's hair.

"Do you think Chet's keeping Selphie prisoner?" asked Squall. "Or has he killed her?"

"I don't know," said Xu, wretched. "I didn't want her to go, I told her it was dangerous but I couldn't tell her why… I'm so sorry…"

"You could have told me," said Squall. 

"You don't understand, it hurt, and then I couldn't and…"

"You were weak. There must have been a way. You could at least have told me about the time lapse. Or hinted. Or something."

"Squall, leave her alone," Rinoa hissed, "can't you see she already blames herself? It's Selphie that we lost, for fuck's sake, her lover! She's suffering enough."

Squall's expression didn't change. "I understand why you want to resign, Xu, and I can't take any more chances. But I'd rather you don't go anywhere. Consider yourself on suspension with full pay until we get this sorted out. And don't ever, ever lie to me again. However much it hurts. Do you understand?"

Xu nodded, not raising her head.

"We'll get that block removed from your head. Then we can talk again."

"What? Can you do that? How…"

He turned towards the door. 

"Make sure she's okay, Rinoa. I've got some phone calls to make."

Leaving an astonished Rinoa with Xu tormented and trembling in her arms, he left.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was struggling with his report for Squall. They'd learned a lot, he realised, when he came to write it all down. But there was still so much they didn't know. Like how to rescue Selphie, for one.

Selphie.

He opened the drawer in his desk, and pulled out the bracelet he'd never found time to mend. Not on purpose, exactly, he'd really meant to keep his promise and repair it. But somehow he never seemed to find the time. Maybe, he admitted to himself, because he liked having something of hers.

But it wasn't his, really. He didn't have the right.

He pulled out pliers and a reel of silver wire, and started to work.

It didn't take long; just a few new links, a new spring in the clasp, and it was good as new. 

__

There you go, 'Elph. Now all I have to do is find you to give it back.

His door chimed; he swiftly popped the bracelet and tools back in his drawer.

"Come in. It's open."

It was Frila, still in uniform from classes, bag slung over one shoulder, a slim folder in one hand. Her skirt was very short, he noticed, and one sock was falling down. "Hey," she said, brightly. "Squall said I should give this to you."

He took the report from her with a smile. "Thanks," he said. "Now I can make mine look longer. Anything exciting?"

She shrugged. "Hard to say, Squall was a bit… brief when it came to instructions. But whatever this Bane is, Oceanus doesn't like it. Not one bit. It wants vengeance. Big time."

"Vengeance?"

"Uhuh. For whatever Bane did to Risha. I think it takes it a bit personally. It.. um.. it wants me to ask Squall if it can join in the Bane-slaying fun. I put that in the report, do you think that's OK? I was a bit worried Squall would think I was being kind of… pushy?"

Irvine shook his head. "No, he wouldn't think that." He put her report on his desk, noticing the little monogram she'd drawn on the front. The tree and serpent. Suddenly he really didn't want her to go. "Do you have to be anywhere in a hurry? Would you like a coffee or anything?"

"Er, no thanks. But I can stay for a bit." She threw herself on the bed and kicked off her sneakers, stretching luxuriously. "You have a good bed," she said. "The cadet ones are so tiny…"

"I remember," he said, with a grin. "See, there are some very good reasons to work hard and graduate. You get a nice bed to not have time to be in."

"I could just steal yours," she said, with a yawn. "Hyne, I'm tired."

"Squall pushing you too hard?" he sat on the bed next to her.

"Not really. Well, yes, he's pushing me hard. But it's good. I get bored too quick, that's my trouble. No chance of that with him in charge."

"I know what you mean. Man, I hate paperwork." He lay back on the bed, pinching the bridge of his nose with finger and thumb, suddenly noticing how tired he was. 

"Are you OK?"

He nodded, eyes closed. "Just tired. Didn't get much sleep last night."

"Selphie?"

"Yeah. We were up all night waiting for Rinoa and Quistis to come back."

"You ought to try and get some sleep."

He shook his head. "Squall wants to talk to me about something. Whenever he gets round to it."

He felt a cool hand on his forehead, stroking. It felt good. Very, very good.

"You should junction Ether again, then. That'll help. So they tell me."

"Yeah. I'd forgotten," he slipped Ether back into junction. "You've been paying attention to your GF classes this time, then?"

"Oh yes. I'm a model cadet," she smiled at him. "Better?"

He nodded. "Not just because of Ether," he said, quietly.

She looked at him, warmth in her blue-green eyes, stroking his hair now, playing with the bangs around his face. He slowly lifted a hand and pulled off the ribbon that held her hair back, watching the dark copper waves fall around her pale skin.

She dipped her head and kissed him softly, just brushing his lips with hers, until he slipped his hand round the back of her neck and pulled her into a deeper kiss, teasing her lips with the tip of his tongue. She let her body sink onto his, pressing her breasts against him; his hand fell naturally on her thigh, automatically sweeping along the toned muscle, stopping just short of the tiny skirt.

Finally, she came up for air. 

"You're a great kisser," she said.

"So are you. But I shouldn't be…"

"Oh, hush," she said, and started kissing him again. 

Ether purred in his head, and any resistance he may have contemplated just plain melted away. Her lips felt so good, and her skin, and her hair… damn, but she smelt good, too, fresh and outdoorsy; and she was warm and made the loveliest little noise in her throat, halfway between a growl and a purr…

There was a buzzing noise. His door chime.

"Are you there, Irvine? It's Squall."

"Fuck," Irvine hissed as they sprang apart, as guiltily as if Squall had actually been in the room. "Yes man, come in…" He leapt off the bed, smoothing a hand over his hair, as the door opened.

"Hey, Irvine… oh. Frila. Hey."

"Hi, Squall… er… Commander, um," she attempted a salute, a little half-heartedly. Irvine found it somewhat gratifying that she seemed as flustered as he felt.

"Squall will do, off duty," he said, a slight frown on his face. "I need to talk to Captain Kinneas alone, if that's alright?"

"Of course," she located her sneakers and shoved them on her feet, picked up her bag. Unable to find her ribbon with any kind of subtlety, she pushed her hair behind her ears, and scrambled off the bed. "I'll see you, um… tomorrow morning. Um. Both of you, er. Well. Bye then."

She bolted.

Squall watched her go, then turned to Irvine, the expression on his face frighteningly serious. Even for Squall. _Shit. Now what?_

"I've arranged a briefing for five o'clock," said Squall, quietly. "I wanted to talk to you first."

"About the briefing?" asked Irvine hopefully.

Squall shook his head.

"What, then?"

The air between them seemed suddenly still. Squall looked at him for a long time, sliver-grey eyes glinting menacingly through his dark bangs.

"I think you know what," he said.

Looking into those familiar eyes with a sinking heart, Irvine realised that he did.

********************************************************

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To be continued…


	21. Orders

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

By the way, I've started a whole new NC-17 fic, Blood and Sand, if you're interested – only available on _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ as censoring to R rating takes too long, and would kinda miss the point for that one ^_^_

Please tell me what you think of all this, if you can bear to, by review or email (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

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Chapter 21 - Orders

"Oh," said Irvine. "Oh gods, Squall. I'm sorry." 

Squall just looked at him. Time flowed like treacle, and Irvine could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Despair and remorse knotted painfully in his gut, mixed with a bitter-sweet kind of relief that at last, somehow, Squall knew what he should already have known. And Squall just stood there. Hating him.

"Squall, please, hit me, or shout at me, or something. Anything. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry you did it, or sorry I remembered?" Squall's words came slowly, sounding all the more dangerous for it. 

Irvine swallowed painfully, his throat like sandpaper.

"There's a word," said Squall, "for what you did."

"I know," Irvine whispered. "I know. Oh shit, Squall…"

"Do you do it often?" Squall's mouth formed a cold, mocking smile. "So your conquests don't make a fuss? The perfect one night stand?"

Irvine shook his head, slowly. "No. No, of course not."

"So what was so special about me?"

"I… you…" Irvine struggled to express something of what he felt, but he just couldn't find the words. _Because I care for you,_ he thought, _because it matters. Because I didn't want to hurt you. And because I am just so, so stupid…_

"You raped me," came Squall's voice, burning like ice on hot skin.

Something chimed in Irvine's mind, like a half-remembered dream.

"Yes," he said. "But not the way you think."

"Really? You didn't use Ether to seduce me? Why d'you do it, Irvine? To get back at me because you wanted Rinoa?"

"No, you know that's not true. You're my best friend, Squall. If you think about it, if you really remember, you'll know. You wanted it just as much as me. Ether may… amplify things a bit, but I've never known it put things there that weren't there to start with. You wanted me."

He saw a flicker of acceptance in Squall's eyes. Not much, but more than he'd dared hope for.

"I don't regret what we did," Irvine continued. "But I shouldn't have let Ether make you forget."

"Too fucking right you shouldn't." 

"I know, I…"

Squall slammed his fist onto Irvine's desk, so hard Irvine flinched. "No. You can't. Ever. Know. Never," he hissed. "Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is for me to trust people? Any idea at all?"

Irvine looked at him helplessly, speechless.

"You were the first person I felt I ever _could_ trust, did you know that?"

"Oh gods, Squall…"

"I've fought next to you, Irvine, we've saved each others' lives more often than I can count. You've done all the things for me that I can't do: looking after the others, telling me when they were at rock bottom and I hadn't even noticed… and I came to fucking _trust_ you. However much you annoyed the shit out of me sometimes, I always trusted you."

"You still can," Irvine whispered.

Squall glared at him, disbelief plain on his face. "How? You messed with my mind! For fuck's sake, you're the one who gave me back my memories in the first place! How could you.. how _dare_ you steal them back?"

"I didn't… it didn't feel like that. It was only later I… and…" his voice tailed off. There weren't any excuses, really. Just weakness, plain, old-fashioned human weakness. He couldn't think of any way to articulate that without sending Squall into a blind rage. _I was stupid, and wrong, and you'll never know how sorry I am…_

There was a long pause; Irvine realised he was trembling. He was aware of Ether, silent in the back of his mind, watching. He thought he felt the vaguest hint of remorse, but that was unlikely, he told himself. Guardians didn't think like that. More likely just a case of indigestion at the anger and pain that hung thick in the air.

"What can I do?" he asked, finally. "Is there anything I can do to make it… better?"

Squall said nothing, just held Irvine in his icy glare. 

"No," said Irvine finally, "I didn't think so."

"Have you finished your report?"

"What?"

"Your report, Captain. For the briefing. I've only got half an hour, I'd like to read it."

Just like that. Cut off. Done. After two years of friendship, after living through hell together, they were reduced to this: Captain and Commander. Leader and sniper.

He picked up his report, and Frila's, from the desk, and handed them to Squall.

"I haven't had a chance to look at Alfryd's," he said, struggling to keep his voice from cracking. "But I'm sure it's fine. Let me know if you need anything else."

Squall nodded, and turned to go.

"Just a minute," Irvine reached out, stopping short of touching him, just at the last minute. "I want you to read this."

He held out a thick notebook, leather bound, with his initials on the front. 

Squall took it from him, a slight twitch of muscle in one cheek the only movement on his face.

"It's your journal," he said.

"Yes. The private one, not the one Xu collects. You gave me the book, remember?"

Squall shrugged, refusing to acknowledge any significance in that fact. "So?"

"I want you to read it. It's all there, everything since Ultimecia. Not the stats and the memory prompts and shit. Just… Look, just read it, okay?"

For a moment he thought Squall was going to throw the book back at him. But he didn't. He arranged it carefully in his hand with the reports, straightening the ribbon marker with gloved fingers.

"Make sure you get to the briefing on time," he said. "We've got work to do." 

He left without looking at Irvine again, the door closing quietly behind him.

* * * * * * *

Irvine just waited, after Squall had gone, until the half hour was up and it was time for the briefing. He sat on his bed, eyes closed, tried to meditate away the pain and anguish gnawing at his belly.

It didn't help much.

So he just waited, and tried not to think.

Finally the time was up, and he dragged himself to the meeting room. He wasn't early, but he wasn't late either, for once, and he got there before Squall.

He slipped into a seat next to Rinoa at the round conference table. She gave him a warm smile, for which he felt particularly grateful. He scratched Angelo behind the ears, nodding a greeting to Zell and Quistis before he realised, with some surprise, that Frila was sitting opposite him.

"Hey, Hotshot," he said. "He liked the report then?"

"I guess," she looked unusually nervous. "He just told me to be here, so…"

"Here you are," said Irvine. "Welcome to the inner sanctum."

"The whatey whoey?"

"Never mind. Hey, Rin, where's Xu?"

"She's in bed," said Rinoa. "Squall suspended her. Didn't he say anything?"

Irvine shook his head. "Nope, not to me. Why, what's she done?"

"She drew Bane. And lost it, and the research programme, to Chet, to cut a long story short."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope. Squall's not impressed, he was real hard on her. Too hard, if you ask me."

Irvine felt a pang of guilt for Xu, wondering if Squall had taken out his anger with Irvine on her. 

Then he blinked, reflecting on just what it meant, that Xu should have found and lost Bane. And not told them. 

"Will someone tell me what's going on?" Zell's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Wait 'til Squall gets here," said Quistis. "He won't be long." She was frantically compiling and stapling documents from the pile of paper in front of her, glasses slipping down her nose. Which Irvine might have found interesting, just a few days ago. He always liked watching Quistis grappling with her spectacles in briefings; there was something very sexy about the way she pushed them up her nose when she was nervous, or glared over the top of them when she was telling him off.

But not today. Today Quistis was in full mission mode, all energy and authority, and Irvine was in despair.

He felt a foot brush against his under the table.

He flashed a glance at an innocent-looking Frila, and was about to say something when the doors opened.

"Hey," said Rin, "isn't that…"

"Laguna!" Irvine felt a grin spread across his face, despite the misery he was feeling inside. He liked Laguna, a lot, they all did. Even Squall, once he'd got over seeing his father as an embarrassing jerk and had come to appreciate his finer qualities. 

Irvine was always amazed, when he saw father and son side by side, as they were now, that none of them had even suspected they might be related, at first. Now it seemed obvious; they looked alike, but more than that, they shared a passionate nature and a good deal of pain that they both tried to hide: Squall behind his icy façade, and Laguna by reducing everything to stupid jokes. 

Irvine had no idea who his own father had been, but if it had turned out to be someone like Laguna, he would have been pleased.

Laguna greeted them all with his usual warmth and enthusiasm, and would probably have happily settled down to discuss old times and current problems over a few beers, if his son and Quistis hadn't had other ideas. But they did.

Squall talked them through recent events calmly, in his clear, public voice. He reminded them of the warning Edea had passed on to them: that the Dia were a malignant race, living mostly underground, probably descended from monsters of some past lunar cry. That they had been developing something - probably weapons - from rare energy crystals, and SeeD had been asked to find out more, to prepare, if necessary, for war.

He reminded them, as if anyone needed reminding, what had happened to Selphie. 

He told them about Chet, and Oceanus, and Gemini.

And finally, he told them about Bane, and Xu.

When he stopped speaking, there were no questions. Even Zell was silent, thoughtful. Irvine shot a glance across the table at Frila, suddenly realising that most of this was new to her. She was just staring at Squall, wide-eyed and completely still.

Quistis quietly distributed papers. "We have a lot of work to do," she said, her voice somehow brighter and clearer than usual. "And little time to do it. We have to establish the status of Selphie Tilmitt and, if possible, retrieve her. We must ensure that all three Gardens are running at full capacity, in order to meet any threat. And we must get the research programme back on schedule as quickly as possible…"

Somehow the sound of Quistis preparing to tell them what to do jolted Irvine into a new sense of reality. Squall was pinching the scarred bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger, eyes squeezed shut as if he was trying to ease a headache. It dawned on him just how much more of this there was to worry about than Selphie, and how all of it had fallen, as usual, on Squall's shoulders.

Alone. Rinoa was still fighting her way back from the devastation of her first mission; Selphie was gone, Zell and Quistis had been… actually, Irvine realised he didn't really know what was going on with Zell or Quistis. Xu had lost it completely, and Irvine… he had betrayed Squall's trust altogether. They didn't look much like the perfectly synchronised team that beat Ultimecia.

"… there is no conflict of priority between these aims," Quistis continued, "but we need to work together if we're to achieve them all. Personnel have been designated as follows…"

Personnel? Designated? It didn't seem that long ago that Squall's commands for the six of them would have consisted of : 'Irvine, Selphie, you're with me; Zell, Quistis, Rinoa, try and stay out of trouble.'

"… Irvine, Rinoa and Frila will go with Squall to investigate the Dian labs and, if possible, retrieve Selphie…"

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Frila? Woah… Irvine shot a glance at her: she swallowed hard, shock and disbelief plain on her face. 

"Zell and Xian will head up the training side of Garden in Xu's absence, while I'll take care of the day to day running of things for Squall. Laguna will be here to help, and to liaise with the military side of the operation. Before I go on to give you your specific orders, are there any questions?"

"How long is this going to take?" asked Rinoa. "I mean, it won't take that long to rescue Selphie, will it? Why the big back up team here?"

"In case we don't come back at all, first off," said Squall, grimly. "And secondly, once we've got Selphie, we need to catch up on all the work Chet lost us. I want to get hold of him and find out what he knows. It might take a while, Rin. And I can't be in two places at once."

"I can come with you," said Zell. "Xian can run things without me. Why do you want to leave me behind?"

Squall sighed. "I can't take any risks, Zell. I want as many SeeDs ready as possible in case this turns into a war. That means properly graduated, junctioned, well-trained SeeDs. Xian can't do that on her own."

"But it's Selphie…"

"Zell, that's enough," Squall's cold voice cut across the table. 

"Um… excuse me?" Frila hesitantly raised a hand. 

Everyone looked at her: she blushed a little.

Irvine found her foot under the table with his, gently stroked her socked ankle with his booted one.

She blinked, but looked straight at Squall. "Why me?" she asked, her voice a little hesitant. "I mean, I don't mean to be disrespectful, and I'm honoured to be asked, but… I'm only a cadet. And not a very good one, at that, and you're all… um… just… what could I possibly to do help?"

"Oceanus," said Squall, as if that explained everything.

"But… yeah, he wants to go, I know, but… one of you could take him. You don't need me."

"It wants you to go. It wants to be in your head."

"Well, that's what he said, I know, but…"

"Frila, we listen to Guardians," said Quistis, patiently. "I know we're having problems at the moment, but Oceanus has been with us for a very long time. They very, very rarely ask for anything. If they do, it's usually important. It's a lot to ask of you, we realise that. But we wouldn't ask you to do it if we didn't think you were capable. That wouldn't make sense for anyone."

"And anyway," said Squall, flatly, "it's an order."

Frila flashed a look at Irvine; he gave her the tiniest nod.

"Of course, Sir," she said. "I'll do my best."

"How are we going to get in?" asked Rinoa. "I looked everywhere before I left Selphie. There was no way back, I'm sure."

"Laguna can help us with that," said Quistis.

"We've done some more geophysical surveys of the area," Laguna explained. "We've found more tunnels to the east of the complex you were in. They're deeper, so probably older than the ones you used. One of them seems to link up with a cave on the coast, about five miles away. It should be possible for you to enter that cave, and work your way underground from there."

The blood drained from Rinoa's face. "Five miles?" she whispered. "Underground?"

"Probably nearer seven, by the time you reach the main area. The Geophys. results give something like a map, though, which will be better than you had last time, at least. And the tunnels are bigger; not much, but enough that you should all be able to use them."

"The rest of your orders are in your packs," said Quistis. "Make sure you study them, especially the maps, for the retreival party. Good luck, everybody."

Irvine cast his eyes around the table. Quistis looked happy enough, straightening her papers. Zell was glaring at Squall, heels tapping irritably on the floor. Rinoa looked pale and worried, burying her fingers in Angelo's soft fur. He couldn't see Frila's face: her head was down, reading the papers in front of her. But her hand shook a little, as she turned the pages. 

Squall just stared down at the table, suddenly looking tired and more pissed off than ever.

"You're quiet, Irvine," said Laguna, his gaze meeting Irvine's across the table. "Everything okay?"

"I guess," said Irvine. "It's all a bit of a shock. But we're behind Squall a hundred percent, as always. We'll beat this."

Rinoa snuck a hand under the table, and squeezed Irvine's.

There was none of the usual banter as they left the meeting room. Irvine was painfully aware of the gap in their lives where Selphie should've been. She would have cracked a joke, or scolded Squall, and diffused the heavy atmosphere. But she wasn't there, so the tension stayed, heavy in the air, as they went their separate ways.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa hesitated at Squall's door.

"You coming in, or what?" he asked.

"Do you want me to?"

"Of course. What's wrong?"

Rinoa shrugged. "Nothing, just… you haven't said a word to me since we left the briefing. I wondered if you wanted to be alone."

"No," he kissed her forehead, softly. "Of course not. I've just got a lot on my mind, that's all."

"Yes. Of course. Sorry. Silly me." She followed him inside.

They got ready for bed in silence. Rinoa tried not to think about the mission, or Selphie, or especially the prospect of miles and miles of tunnels… she crawled gratefully under the covers and into Squall's arms.

He kissed her gently, stroking her hair.

"You haven't asked me about Xu," she said, quietly.

"What about Xu?"

"How she is."

"Oh. How is she?"

"She's very upset. It's not her fault, you know, that she couldn't tell us. This mind block thing sounds awful."

"That's not the point. She should have told me before that. She could have found a way."

"Squall, she's only human. You're too hard on her. Did you really have to suspend her?"

"She let me down. Rinoa, she knows the score," he said, wearily. "She's been a SeeD longer than any of us. I can't take any more chances."

"But did you have to…"

"Are you questioning my decision?" His Commander's voice.

She pulled herself out of his arms. "Don't talk to me like that. Not here."

"What?" he frowned, confused.

"Don't give me orders. Not when we're off duty. Not in bed."

"But I didn't mean… Rinoa, I was explaining…"

"No. You weren't. You were telling."

"I'm sorry, I didn't… Rinoa, come here."

"And what about Irvine?" she found herself saying.

He rolled onto his back.

"What's going on?" she persisted. "You can't think I didn't notice, at the briefing. What's happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Is it the other day? When he went awol on you?"

"No."

"Well what, then? He's hurting, Squall, and he needs us. You need him. What's wrong?"

There was a long silence. Rinoa felt panic rising; she couldn't believe they were fighting, now of all times. She was frightened, and worried about him; she wanted to snatch the words back, to curl up in his arms and for everything to be alright.

He just lay there, one arm thrown across his eyes, perfectly still. If he hadn't been breathing so hard, she might have thought him to be asleep.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm just scared. Don't shut us out, Squall. I love you. Irvine loves you. We only want to help."

His body stiffened.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"What d'you mean?"

"Irvine's not… he… I can't…" Squall squeezed his eyes tight shut behind his arm, frustrated, words failing him as ever. "You just wouldn't understand," he said.

"I want to try. Explain it to me."

"I can't. I just…"

"Squall, what's wrong? Please tell me." She was starting to feel really worried now. She hadn't seen Squall this closed off for a long time, and he'd shut down so fast, so completely... He hardly felt like the same person who'd held her in his arms that morning and made everything feel so much better…

"It doesn't matter," he said.

"But…"

"It's between me and Irvine. Nothing to do with you. Just leave it."

"Squall…"

He turned away from her; she reached out to touch him but he flinched away.

"Squall, you're scaring me. I understand if you don't want to talk, but…"

"I'm tired, Rinoa. Just… fucking leave it, alright?"

She stared at his hostile back, furious with him and sad for him all at the same time, not sure whether she wanted to hit him, or cuddle up to him, or just plain run away.

In the end she turned away from him and curled up on her side, gazing into the darkness. His breathing slowed, settled into its sleeping rhythm, and she listened to it, tears running silently down her face.

* * * * * * *

Squall dreamed, lying with his back to Rinoa and his fist clenched tightly next to his cheek.

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He was in Ultimecia's castle, alone. He knew the Sorceress was behind the next door, but he hesitated. He didn't think he could do this, alone.

Unsure of what else to do, he opened the door anyway, to find Rinoa and Irvine already there. Already fighting. Before he could react, the Sorceress had him caught in a stop spell; he couldn't fucking move, he just had to watch as Greiver ripped them apart, the people he loved most in the whole world rended piece by piece, an orgy of blood and flesh. Paralysed, he couldn't even scream, anguish trapped in his chest like a live thing trying to tear its way out of his body.

And then he was in the desert prison, still paralysed, and there was screaming… Seifer was tormenting someone, but Squall couldn't see who, just a shadowy form tied to a post in the corner of the room. He had a vague impression of dirty brown hair and grazed limbs, and Seifer leering, undoing his pants... shoving his cock into a screaming mouth… Frightened green eyes turned towards him and Squall felt something inside him shatter as he watched Seifer take Selphie, ignoring her struggles, using her body with a hunger that was nothing to do with desire. He couldn't not look, that would be running away, but he couldn't do anything, he was dying inside… he felt hopeless and powerless, and eventually she turned her eyes away from him, stopped struggling and lay, impassively, vacantly, while Seifer raped her. 

Then he was in the orphanage, curled up in bed with Irvine. He felt warm, and comfortable, with strong naked arms wrapped around him… he raised his head for a kiss, and Irvine brushed his lips with his own, oh so gently, stroking his back, pulling him close. Squall never wanted the kiss to end, pushing his body against Irvine's, breathing hard, passion rising. He stroked Irvine's hair, short and fuzzy near the nape of his neck, like stroking a terrier… he licked Irvine's ear, smooth, unpierced… he drifted a hand to Irvine's waist, thick with muscle…

No. Not Irvine. This wasn't Irvine.

He raised his head.

Seifer.

Then he had his gunblade in his hand… no. Not his. Not Lionheart. It was Hyperion, Seifer's blade, that glinted at him, that called to him, that he thrust deep into Seifer's heart and twisted, drenching them both in blood and gore, revenge and hatred hot and bitter on his tongue..

Only… not Seifer, after all. He'd been mistaken, after all. It wasn't Seifer's dead eyes that stared up at him.

Squall looked into a haze of violet and red, and screamed.

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If you've been following this story on ffnet, or the smut-lite version on my website, and are beginning to wonder if Ether's playing tricks with your mind as well, don't worry. The less-smutty versions just took Squall's POV regarding the episode with Irvine - i.e. as far as he was concerned, it hadn't happened ^ ~ 

Oh, and next update will be very soon, as I wrote these two chapters together. The break is just for dramatic effect. Yeah, I know, evil of me, huh? ::cackle::


	22. Message

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This version is censored to R rating. Full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended is on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ ^_^_

Please tell me what you think of all this, if you can bear to, by review or email (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) And thank you if you have, it means a lot to me :)

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Chapter 22 - Message

Squall woke with a start, his body drenched in sweat, struggling for breath.

He dragged himself back to reality. He was in his own bed. He could see his clock, winking the time at him: 3:07 am. He could feel the warmth of Rinoa's body behind him. Slowly, so as not to wake her, he turned around, hungry for the sight of her. She was fast asleep, nose buried in pillow, raven hair tumbled around her face; her eyelids flickered, she was dreaming. He touched her hair, reassuring himself that this was real: she was alive, and his, and in his bed.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to slow his racing heartbeat, but the memories of his dream were sharp and bright behind his eyelids, tormenting him even now he'd recognised them for dreams.

He looked around the room, anchoring himself by identifying solid objects in the scant light. Rinoa's clothes, folded neatly on a chair. The painting of Winhill that Ellone had given him. Dresser littered with books and a bundle of briefings papers tied up with string. 

String. Rope. 

Rope.

He carefully got out of bed, making sure not to disturb Rinoa, pulled on a T-shirt, stuffing it into the waistband of his sweatpants, and crossed to the dresser. He pushed rumpled hair out of his eyes and caught his reflection in the mirror, shocked at how haunted and tired he looked, dark smudges of fatigue under his eyes making him look gaunt and thin in the moonlight.

He ran his finger over a leather cover, tracing initials.

Tucking the book under one arm, he padded through to the living area, and sat at his desk. He turned on the desk lamp, pulled a fresh bottle of water out of a drawer and took a long drink.

Then he opened Irvine's journal, and started to read.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was out of bed and on his feet before he even realised he was awake. Panting, he tried to focus. He could hear knocking, and whining. 

Whining?

He turned on the light and looked around, and saw Angelo, on the end of his bed, looking at him with big, concerned doggy eyes.

His shoulders relaxed a little.

"Hey, boy. It's alright. Just a dream," he stroked soft fur and Angelo thumped his tail reassuringly. "I'll just see who's at the door," he checked the time, "in the middle of the night."

He pulled on his jeans and went to investigate.

Frila was standing there, hair loose around her shoulders, dressed in old jeans and T-shirt, hands stuffed in her pockets.

"I'm sorry if I woke you," she said.

"Well, it is three in the morning. But it doesn't matter, sleeping wasn't being much fun. What can I do for you?"

"Can I come in?"

"Frila… I'm not sure that's a good idea, really, is it? I mean, we've talked about this, and you're too young, and…"

"Irvine, please…" he was amazed to see tears rolling down her cheeks. "Please, I'm so frightened. Please?"

"Shit, of course, come in. Sorry…" he ushered her inside and sat her on the bed. "Here," he produced a box of tissues from under the bed. "It's okay. Me and Angelo'll look after you, won't we, boy?"

Angelo snuffled at Frila's hand.

"Angelo? Oh," she instinctively started to scratch Angelo between his ears, "I thought he was Rinoa's dog?"

"He is. He's here to make sure I don't get into trouble," said Irvine, with a grin. 

She laughed, weakly. "I feel such a wuss," she said.

"Don't be silly. You're worried about the mission, is that it?"

She nodded, folding soggy tissue neatly into a square.

"It's just so out of the blue," she said, quietly. "One minute I'm a Garden drop out, resigned to a life of weapons upgrading, and the next thing I know, I'm on a high-priority mission that I might not come back from."

"And our taciturn Commander didn't exactly break it to you gently, did he?" Irvine smoothed her hair back from her damp face.

"No. Not really."

"He's got a way with people," Irvine sighed. "He didn't mean to scare you. He must think a lot of you, if he didn't try to wriggle out of Oceanus' request. And he's usually right, you know."

She gave him a little smile. "I know. I'm just… scared. Were you scared, your first mission?"

"What, my first ever mission, or my first mission with Mr Scary-Leonhart?"

"Either?"

"Well," he slipped an arm around her shoulder, cuddling her into his side. "My first ever mission was with two friends of mine, to fight in a border dispute between two high-ranking Galbadian families. I wasn't scared, really, because they only wanted us to show off to the other side that they could afford mercenaries. I can't even remember what side we were on, and I didn't kill anything, in the end. Although Duck did, she bagged a cockatrice all by herself on the way home. She was very excited about it, as I recall."

"And the other one? With Squall?"

"That was different. Squall's always been quite scary, you know. But I was just weirded out, at the time. I recognised them, you see, from when we were kids. And they didn't know me at all. That was way scarier than the mission. At least, at first."

"What happened?" she looked up at him with huge eyes, as if he were telling her a bedtime story.

"It went okay, until I realised who the target was."

"The sorceress?"

"Yeah. Only, not the sorceress, completely. She was in Edea's body, then. The woman I thought of as close to mother. So I choked, completely."

"You didn't! You?"

"Oh yeah, don't let this hard, macho exterior fool you," he said, with considerable irony. "I was shaking like a leaf. I couldn't do it."

"So you failed?"

He shook his head. "Squall was really patient with me. He didn't know, of course, why I choked, and I couldn't explain, not just then. So I pretended it happened all the time. I thought he'd get mad at me, but he didn't. Not really. He just talked me through it, and in the end I took the shot. Funny thing was, it didn't work, anyway. She had a shield up before the bullet got anywhere near her."

"But Squall was… nice to you?"

"Squall's not what he seems on the surface," Irvine said. "He's had a hard life. Still does, really, and he's been alone for a lot of it. So don't always judge him by what he says. Look in his eyes, look at what he does. You'll see."

"Oh." She thought on that for a while. "But what if I screw up?"

"You're not going to screw up. You'll be fine, Hotshot. I promise." He kissed the top of her head. "But you ought to get some sleep," he said, gently.

"Can I sleep here? I feel better, with you."

He tilted her face up to look into her eyes.

"You're asking me if you, a fifteen year old cadet, can sleep in my room, with me, a senior-ranking SeeD, well after curfew, the night before a crucial mission?"

"Uhuh." She nodded, almost innocently. She looked more vulnerable than he had ever imagined she could, and almost as young as she really was.

"Of course you can, sweetheart," he whispered, and held her close.

* * * * * * *

Squall slowly turned the last page of Irvine's journal, put the ribbon neatly back in place. He gently closed the book and set it down on the desk in front of him.

He heard soft footsteps coming from the bedroom, and hastily rubbed the back of one hand over damp eyes.

Rinoa padded over to him, all warm and mussed with sleep.

"Hey," he said, softly.

"Hey." She slipped into his lap, curled up against his chest. "Baby, I'm so sorry."

He wrapped her up in strong arms, and kissed her hair, letting himself sink into the soft, warm smell of her. "Me too," he whispered, "I'm such a wanker."

"No you're not." She yawned. "I had the most horrible dream."

"Yeah," he started to stroke her hair, silky, comforting. "Me too."

"Serve us right for going to sleep mad at each other," she said, her breath caressing his neck.

"Probably," he said. "It's late, you should go back to bed."

"Only if you come back with me," she looked up at him. "In case the bogeyman comes back." Something about the spark in her eyes suggested that this wasn't a particularly honest representation of her motives, but he let it pass.

"Okay," he said. "I'm all done here, anyhow."

To her delight he picked her up and carried her back to the bedroom. There was something very special about twining her arms around Squall's neck and feeling feather-light and defenceless, swept up in his arms. It felt deliciously feminine and almost decadent, after all the time she'd put in to building her own strength and independence.

He set her gently on the bed, looking down at her with eyes flecked distinctly with blue.

He took off his sweatpants and T-shirt, and leaned over to kiss her.

"So, do you want to go back to sleep?" he asked, a wolfishly crooked grin creeping across his face. "Or should I make things up to you first?"

"Oh, I think making up is definitely in order," she returned his grin, trailing a finger down the scar between his eyes, down his nose, settling on his lips. "I'm not in the least bit sleepy."

"Me neither." He kissed her finger, chastely at first, then slowly sucked it into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the tip.

"Oh boy," she whispered.

He let her finger fall from his mouth, and leaned over to kiss her lips, sweeping his tongue inside her mouth, brushing her hair back from her face. He reached down to gather up the long T-shirt she was wearing, pulling it up over her head to render her naked. 

"Oh Rin. So beautiful." 

"All yours."

His heart thudded in his chest at the thought.

* * * * * * *

Irvine stretched out a strand of Frila's hair, gently pulling it straight, and then letting go of one end, watching it coil, spring-like, back to its usual curl. For some reason, it made him want to chuckle, the way it did that. Just... ping. Heh.

He stroked the pale skin of her arm as it lay heavy across his stomach, joining up patterns in the sprinkling of freckles to make invisible pictures. He was dimly aware that one of his feet had gone to sleep under Angelo's weight, but he felt strangely contented and unwilling to disturb either of his sleeping companions. It could wait. It could all wait.

The dreams had receded now, and once he'd unjunctioned Ether, and explained in a brief internal dialogue with his dick that he didn't have any intention of taking advantage of Frila, he'd begun to feel almost relaxed. Exhausted with fear for Selphie and anguish over Squall, he just let himself sink into the warmth of Frila's company and Angelo's devotion. It felt good to be _needed_, not needed to save the world, or to achieve the unachievable; just needed to cuddle and reassure and comfort. He could do that. He was good at it.

It was nearly morning, but he let himself drift off to sleep anyway.

He woke to the sound of a soft voice in his ear.

"Irvine… hey, Irvy, wake up…"

"Selphie?" 

"No, Irvy, it's Rin."

He flickered his eyes open and found himself looking into Rinoa's warm, steady gaze. Her skin was positively glowing, he noticed through the fug of left over-sleep, and she looked really happy, in a way that Irvine recognised straight away. _Squall. You old dog._

"Oh. Hi. Hello?" he started to sit up, making Frila grumble a little against his chest.

"Shh, it's okay, don't get up," Rinoa whispered. "Sorry, I came for Angelo and the door was open. I wouldn't have woken you, but Squall asked me to give you this," she produced a large padded envelope, tucked it under his free arm. 

"What? Oh, thanks. What time is it?" 

"Just gone seven. Squall said he'd drop by around nine, there's something he wants you to do. We leave at midday to go get Selphie."

"Oh. Okay."

"It might be an idea if Frila was elsewhere by the time Squall comes round. I'm not sure he would really approve, you know."

He flashed his eyes briefly to the copper-coloured curls, suddenly remembering to be sheepish. "She was frightened, Rin."

Rinoa gave him a cynical look.

"No, really, it's her first mission. She's scared. She just needed a bit of a cuddle," his voice deepened, serious. "That's all."

Rinoa's expression softened. "I know," she said. "Poor thing. Gods, I remember how I felt when we set out from Timber. Don't worry, I believe you. But I'm not sure Squall would necessarily see it the same way."

"No. 'Course not. I'll make sure she's safely tucked up in her own bed by then."

"Good. Well, I'll see you later," she clicked her fingers, and Angelo leapt off the bed, straight to her side, eyes bright and alert, tail thumping. Rinoa gave Irvine a swift kiss on the cheek, smelling of shampoo and Squall's shower gel, and left.

Irvine considered the package in his hand. Not wanting to disturb Frila, he opened the top with his teeth, and carefully slid the contents onto the floor by the bed. His heart sank a little at the sight of his journal. Returned, wordlessly, by a third party. Probably unread.

Then there was a faint thunk, as a second book dropped onto the floor.

A little blue notebook, with a red marker ribbon.

Squall's diary.

Irvine swallowed hard, and reached out to pick it up, a slimmer volume than his, but with the same ribbon; Irvine remembered seeing it, in Squall's hands, that evening in the quad a lifetime ago, when they'd chatted about Selphie and Rinoa, and losing time.

His heart in his mouth, Irvine flicked one-handed to the first page, and started to read.

* * * * * * *

Quistis slipped Pandemonia into junction as she got out of the shower, grateful to have an excuse: after all, if they were supposed to be preparing for war readiness, a SeeD should be junctioned at all times. She swiftly pulled on her clothes, leaving her hair wrapped in its towel, and sat down at her desk with coffee, and an apple that she'd call breakfast, to read her mail.

She scanned her eyes down the list of messages in her in-box for anything remotely interesting. Lots of reports, mundane Garden bureaucracy. Something from Mr Firearm that had 'missing you' as it's subject line. _Oh crap._ One from Xian entitled 'Instructors needed.'_ double crap._

They might as well just put 'Quisty need not apply' on the advert, of course. Even if they're desperate, they won't want me. Not even to head up the training programme. Oh no, Zell can do that. Zell, who I fucking taught everything he fucking knows. I'll just deal with the paperwork.

She was hungry, she realised, hungrier than an apple would address. She suddenly realised she hadn't had a proper meal since she got back from the mission. She ought to go to the cafeteria. But she didn't want to see anyone. Not yet. They wouldn't miss her, she could go later, when they'd all gone. She couldn't face the goodbyes. It had been so damn hard at the briefing yesterday, atmosphere you could cut with a knife and Squall so pissed… she couldn't take that again. They weren't interested in her, anyway. Squall hadn't even asked how she felt. No-one had, except Zell, annoying little jerk.

She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a small bottle. She wouldn't have to go eat, and no-one need know. Hyne, this just got easier every time.

__

What am I doing? What, in Ultimecia's name, am I doing?

She put the elixir down, and concentrated hard on her computer screen.

Bulletins… more bureaucracy… oh. From Selphie. And Rinoa.

They'd sent it from the hotel, that night. When she'd got drunk.

__

"Subject: Happy Birthday, Zelly-Boy. Message: Great to see you let your hair down, Quisty. The firearm story will stay with us for a while :) Love you lots, Rin&Selph."

Oh gods. What did I do? And Selphie… oh, Selphie…

The bottle was already in her hand by the time she looked at the next one.

__

"Subject: How's my favourite instructor?"

She pressed the delete button and poured the elixir down her throat, slowly, allowing herself to enjoy the fizz on her tongue, the velvety warmth it spread through her body. She closed her eyes, arching her back a little with the pleasure of it. 

Tossing her half-eaten apple in the bin, she smiled a glassy smile and went to dry her hair.

* * * * * * *

Irvine was beginning to think he didn't really know Squall at all. He'd imagined his journal would be concise, factual, sparse. After all, Squall had taken the phrase 'man of few words' and made it completely and utterly his own. 

It read like poetry.

There was so much _feeling_ there. As if all the unexpressed emotions that must be boiling in the man every hour of the day were distilled and concentrated and written down here in perfect focus. As if the words Squall couldn't find when he spoke to people just fell from pen to paper with perfect eloquence. It was engaging and poignant and beautiful to read, it was even witty. 

There weren't pages and pages of prose telling of how much Squall liked Irvine and would forgive him anything he did. But there were precious phrases, here and there, just enough, a little bit every few days, that left Irvine in no doubt that he was appreciated, admired - loved, even. That the friendship Irvine always thought they'd had really existed. 

That twisted the knife of guilt in his gut, more than ever. He knew, when he got to the last entries, that all that esteem and affection Squall had held for him would be crushed. It was like reading a novel when you knew that the hero would die a pointless death in the end.

He finally reached yesterday's entry, and sure enough, the words betrayal, deception, liar, rape, shot off the page and hit him like bullets.

But it didn't stop there. There was one last entry. He slowly turned the page.

__

Oh Squall. Oh, man.

He'd written it down. His memories, the ones Irvine had let Ether steal. In graphic, poetic detail. 

"Hey, Irvine, are you OK?"

He snapped the book shut quickly and turned to Frila: he'd actually forgotten she was there.

"Are you ok?" she repeated. "You're crying."

"What?" Something splashed onto the back of his hand and he realised she was right. "Oh. Something in my eye."

She laughed, rummaging for the tissues. "Yeah, right, heard that one before," she said, finally locating the box and passing it to him.

"Thanks." He flashed her a smile, but didn't elaborate. "How are you?" 

"Better, thanks," she yawned. "Still petrified, but hey…"

He hugged her with the stiff arm that had been around her all night. "You'll be fine," he said. "Besides, you'll be with me. I'll look out for, you, hotshot."

"Mm.." she put her arms around him and hugged him back, leaving a kiss tingling on his neck. "I guess I ought to go pack stuff… what do you take? We don't even know how long we're going to be gone for, do we?"

"No. Just take the minimum. It's amazing what you can live without." He watched her, as she scrambled off the bed, all agile limbs and red hair. "Oh, tell you what, though…"

"What?" 

"Don't forget your gunblade, eh?"

She flashed him a grin. "I'll try to remember that, Captain."

"Good. Cadet. Now, get out of my room before Squall finds you here and beats us both to a bloody pulp."

She actually went a bit pale.

"He wouldn't, would he?"

Irvine laughed. "Of course he wouldn't, Hotshot. But he takes his responsibilities very seriously. He'd have to say something, at least. And he doesn't need to be bothering about stuff like that today." He swung himself off the bed and crossed to her, cupped her worried face in one hand. 

"You really look out for him, don't you?" she whispered.

"Yes," said Irvine, through the sudden lump in his throat. "He's my best friend."

She recognised something in his eyes, and a question flickered across her face, but she didn't ask it. 

"Thanks," she said instead. "For last night."

"You're welcome." Irvine found himself leaning down to kiss her, as if it were the most normal and natural thing in the world to do to anyone. It might even have started out as a platonic peck on the cheek, but by the time his lips reached hers and he found his arm snaking around her body, palm flat on the small of her back, pulling her against him, it was anything but. 

He heard her moan, such a carnal, longing sound that it brought him straight back to his senses, and he pulled back. He opened his mouth to apologise, explain, retract… but she wriggled from his arms, smiled at him and was gone before he could say a word.

* * * * * * *

Irvine zipped up his bag and threw it carelessly on the bed, next to his rifle. 

Ready.

For anything?

Exactly as the numbers on Irvine's clock morphed to 9:00, there came the sound of the door chime.

"Hi Squall. Come in."

Irvine found he was holding his breath. At least Squall didn't look pissed off anymore. Not completely happy, admittedly: there was a distinct sense of duty about him, he was already slipping into Commander mode. But not pissed.

Irvine handed him his journal. "Thank you," he said.

"You read it?" Squall's eyes locked Irvine's: this was a moment. One of those crossroads moments. Where regret and hope presented themselves in disguise, and you had to choose.

"It's beautiful," said Irvine. "You made me cry, you bastard."

Squall blinked in surprise. "Oh," he said. Evidently that hadn't been what he'd expected to hear.

"And yes," said Irvine, quickly. "Of course I do."

A long pause. Then Squall nodded, his mouth a tight line, just slightly twitching at one corner.

"Good," he said, eventually. "That's that, then."

Irvine let the breath sigh out of him, wanting to collapse in a heap of relief and emotional exhaustion on the bed, or punch the air in victory. He wasn't sure which.

"Are you junctioned?" Squall asked him.

Irvine shook his head. "No," he said. "Just me here."

"Good. I want this to be just between us." He crossed the three strides between them, and hooked one hand around the back of Irvine's head. For a split second, it crossed Irvine's mind that he could have read this completely wrong, and Squall might be about to snap his neck. But he wasn't.

He pulled Irvine's unresisting head towards his, and kissed him. Not for long, not hard. Just enough to send a shock of heat down Irvine's spine and leave his lips damp and tingling.

He opened his eyes to see Squall looking at him, the barest trace of an amused smile on his face, slipping his journal into the inside pocket of his jacket.

Irvine had no idea what to say, so he decided, for once, to follow Squall's lead and say nothing at all.

"I've got something difficult for you to do," said Squall.

"Oh?" Irvine managed.

"There's some information I need," explained Squall. "You'll need to junction Ether." His expression was completely serious now. "We have to go pay a visit to Xu."


	23. Shadows

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This version is censored to R rating. Full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended is on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ ^_^_

Please tell me what you think of all this, if you can bear to, by review or email (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) And thank you if you have, it means a lot to me :)

************************************************************

****

Chapter 23 - Shadows

"What's he doing here?"

Irvine felt a swift rise of anger, but fought it down.

"He's here to help, Xu," said Squall, "so just put your personal issues aside and try to be professional." 

"I don't see what he could possibly do to help me."

"I can get rid of the block in your brain," said Irvine. "At least, I think so. I can try."

"What?" Xu was backing away from them, and she looked genuinely frightened. 

"I'm not going to hurt you," Irvine promised, resisting the temptation to follow her and signalling to Squall to do the same. "Really, I'm not. Whatever you think of me, surely you know I'd never hurt you."

Her gaze was cold and disbelieving, and she still trembled a little. "I've been trying to remember," she spoke only to Squall, ignoring Irvine completely. "I think I might be able to.. oh.. shit.." she doubled over, clutching her stomach, shuddering with pain.

"Xu, just let Irvine help you." Squall asked, the concern on his face not coming out in his voice, somehow. Damn, thought Irvine, he really still isn't any good at the people stuff.

"Is this the block?" he asked Squall. Squall shrugged, not knowing. "Xu, is it the block? Is that what's hurting you?"

She nodded, her face screwed up tight: even that seemed to have cost her. Irvine crossed the short distance Xu had managed to put between them, and put an arm around her shoulder, ignoring her when she flinched at his touch. 

"Shh," he said. "Please let me help. I can make the pain stop. Please."

"I can't… I hate you…" she sobbed through her pain, "don't touch me… I …." she slumped to her knees and Irvine went with her, taking both of her hands in his. 

"Xu, listen to me. This is the only way. Please trust me. Or if you can't trust me, then trust Squall and Rinoa. They wouldn't ask me to do this if it was going to hurt you. You know they wouldn't."

Xu looked at him through a blur of tears, helpless. "I can't," she said, and then words seemed to leave her altogether, her head dropped and she slumped, defeated, shoulders shuddering. 

"Just relax as best you can." She didn't resist; she just knelt there, watching her tiny hands as they quivered in his big ones.

"… can't…" she sobbed, quietly now.

"You need to let Ether into your mind."

She looked up at him; the blood drained from her face. "No," she whispered, "oh, gods, please, no."

"It's alright," Irvine said, gently rubbing the backs of her hands with his thumbs. "It won't hurt you. Please believe me, Xu, it won't hurt you."

"He's right," said Squall, gracefully lowering himself to sit cross legged next to Irvine. "He did it to me and I promise, it won't hurt."

"But Ether…"

"I can control it," said Irvine. "Please, just trust us. It'll be over in no time."

She looked from Squall to Irvine, and back to Squall. She looked terribly vulnerable, a shadow of the confident, professional SeeD they'd worked with all these years. 

"I don't have any choice, do I?" she whispered. "You'll make me."

Irvine was about to reassure her, to tell her it was up to her, but Squall spoke first. 

"Yes," he said.

Irvine took his eyes off Xu to stare at Squall in amazement. "What?!"

"I have to, Irvine," he explained. "It's too much of a risk. We don't know what Bane might make her do. Or hide. Or lie about. We don't know what happened, not really, because we don't know what she's already not telling us. We have to know."

"But it's her head," said Irvine. "I won't mess with it uninvited. That would make me just as bad as Chet, or Bane, or whoever it was that did this."

"Irvine," Squall was trying to be patient, but it was wearing thin: there was irritation in his voice; "she might not even be able to tell us what she wants. She might not know what's best for her. Fuck, I'm not going to strap her down and force her. But I will make it an order. For both of you."

Irvine swallowed hard. "An order?"

"Yes," said Squall. "I'm sorry, but yes. It's an order."

Irvine looked back to Xu. He wasn't even sure she'd heard what Squall had said; she was ghostly pale and her eyes looked wild. "Xu?"

"I told you I have no choice."

"But…"

"Do it, Kinneas. Get it over with," the corners of her mouth twitched into a mocking smile. "Just don't expect me to enjoy it," she said.

Irvine looked down at her hands again, his heart pounding. This felt wrong. He'd never gone into anything but a completely willing mind before. He couldn't…

"Irvine, it's our only chance to help her," Squall said. "Please."

Irvine raised his eyes to meet Xu's, big and brown like a puppy dog's. Sad. Frightened. Desperate.

"Just try and relax," he told her, keeping his voice as steady as he could. "Don't try to pull your mind back. If you want me to stop, squeeze my hands. Do you understand?"

She nodded.

__

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~Ether, we need to find the block and remove it..~

~As you ask. Guide. Be still. Float. The Sniper quests.~

Guide? That must be Xu. But… Guide? Oh well. ~Ether, is she ready?~

~She is still.~

Irvine felt the usual rush as Ether entered Xu's mind, followed by the disorientation of being in someone else's thoughts and feelings. He tried to clear his mind, to follow what Ether was looking for, to relax into Xu's mind.

He found himself reeling back. There was something so black, so dark, so _twisted_ there that he couldn't bear it. It wasn't just a wall, like Squall's mind block had been, this was moving, seething like molten rock or black treacle. More than just a spell, an organic, almost sentient thing… he was overwhelmed for a moment by a wave of nausea: it was so _wrong_ that such a thing should be in someone's brain. He struggled to keep from throwing up, at the same time trying to force himself to look, knowing that Ether wouldn't be able to do anything about it otherwise.

__

~That is not the block. The block is elsewhere.~

~What? If it isn't the… what the fuck is it, Ether?~

~That which you do not wish to see.~

You can say that again, thought Irvine, before the familiarity of the words sank in. A cold chill ran up his spine. _~Like Risha?~ _

~Yes.~

Bane. Somehow the Guardian must have left something behind. _~Is it safe?~ _

~You are safe. You are with me.~

Relief washed over Irvine like a cleansing breeze. _~Ether, please hurry.~_

~It is here.~

Then Irvine could see it; a wall, like Squall's had been; dark, like Risha's; unmistakably the same spell. It was already broken down in places; piles of rubble here and there, shaky foundations. Irvine shuddered to think what it must have cost Xu to break it down through sheer force of will.

__

~Sniper will cleanse.~

Irvine heard an echo of Xu's thoughts; _this is for Selphie, this is for Selphie, this is for Selphie… _She was repeating it over and over, a mantra to keep the fear away. Irvine resisted the urge to enter her thoughts and soothe, anxious not to make things worse. He could feel Xu's hands cold and clammy in his, trembling a little, but not squeezing. He concentrated his mind as Ether had shown him, and took down the wall, piece by piece, each brick crumbling to dust as he cast it out of Xu's mind. When every last scrap had gone, he slowly and carefully withdrew his thoughts from Xu's, trying hard all the while not to look at the blackness still writhing in her mind.

__

~We're done, Ether. Unless… can we do anything about… that which I don't want to see?~

~No.~

~Is it safe to leave it here?~

~I do not know how to destroy it.~

~I'll take that as a no, then. Okay. We're done.~

~Be well, Guide. We leave.~

Then Irvine was back in his own mind, and just his own mind; like falling into a warm bed, comfortable and reassuring. He opened his eyes to look into Xu's.

She looked at him helplessly for a moment, as if trying to understand something, and softly whispered "Selphie…" before she fell unconscious into his arms.

* * * * * * * *

"How's life treating you, then, Quisty?" 

Quistis looked up from her papers to see Laguna smiling down at her, green eyes twinkling, and couldn't resist smiling back. He had that effect on people. 

"What, apart from the impending war, the betrayal of my colleague and the loss in action of a dear friend?" she replied, forcing a lightness to her tone she didn't feel. "Pretty much as usual, you know."

"It's tough, huh?" Laguna pulled up a chair across from Quistis' desk and slouched forwards, elbows on the edge of her desk, leaning forwards to look at Quistis through the dark bangs that always seemed to be falling over his face. "Tell me about it."

"You know it all," said Quistis, flashing him a look over the top of her glasses. "You've read the reports." She detected a touch of mischief in his eyes. "Laguna, you _have _read the reports, haven't you?"

"Of course I have," said Laguna, trying to sound offended. "I meant tell me about you. How you're coping. All of you."

"We cope," Quistis turned her eyes across to her computer screen. "Just like we always have."

"Well that's encouraging," Laguna tilted his head a little to one side, trying to catch her attention. "What have Squall and Irvine fallen out over?"

"What?" She was genuinely surprised. "They've fallen out?"

"Well, they would hardly look at each other at the meeting last night. And I guess Zell will be feeling pretty left out."

"Zell? Why? He's in charge of the whole training programme. Well, with Xian."

"You don't think he would rather have gone to rescue Selphie?"

"Well… but…"

"And you, Quisty. Wouldn't you rather have gone to rescue Selphie?"

"I must trust Squall to know where my duty lies," she said, stiffly. "And then I'll do whatever he expects me to do, as well as I can. That's what being a SeeD's all about."

"Quistis, it's okay to admit it's not what you want," said Laguna, gently. "And to feel pissed about it."

She looked up sharply. "No, it isn't. I'm damn lucky to work for Squall, to be a SeeD, and part of Balamb Garden. I'm lucky just to be alive. I mustn't forget that."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You already make enough sacrifices." He frowned at the anger that crossed her face. 

"You don't think I'm capable of running things while Squall's away, do you?"

"What?!"

"That's what all this is about. You don't think I can do it." 

"Quistis, don't be silly, of course I know you can. You could run this place with one hand tied behind your back."

To her horror she realised there were tears welling in her eyes. "Then why… we're coping just fine, Laguna. There's nothing to worry about. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting…" she got up, searching under the piles of paper on her desk for her keys: anything to concentrate her mind and keep the tears from falling.

"Quistis, what's the matter? Why are you so upset? What's happened to all of you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. We're _fine_. Just busy, that's all. We are getting ready to fight a war, you know." _Dammit, I mustn't cry, mustn't cry…_

"Quistis, look at me."

__

I can't. If I look at you, you'll know. You'll see me as I really am, hopeless, useless, incompetent…

She drew a little power from Pandemonia, just a tiny bit, just enough to calm herself. Pandemonia shifted in her mind, seeming uncomfortable: it cost Guardians to give up their energy like that, she knew, without any return from magic or combat. She would have to find some way to pay it back later, a trip to the training centre…

She raised her eyes to him, clear now, no tears, no panic, no anger. "You're worrying about nothing," she said, her voice calm, soothing even. "You're bound to, with Squall going to the Dia and everything. But please don't fret. We've been through worse, we'll get through this. And then everything will go back to normal, and we'll all be wondering what the fuss was about. I promise."

Laguna stared at her, a slight twitch at the corner of one eye, perplexed. "Yes," he said quietly. "Yes, of course. You're right. Sorry, Quisty, I didn't mean to intrude, or…"

She laughed, just a little too brightly. "Don't be silly. It's always good to see you. Now, if you don't mind, I have a meeting to get ready for…"

"Oh. Sorry, of course, yes, I didn't think, if you're busy, I'll go," Laguna got up, a frown across his brow. "Oh, one other thing, Quistis…"

"Yeah?"

"It's alright to fuck up occasionally. Gods, I do it all the time. No-one expects you to be perfect."

"Oh, really?" Quistis' eyes narrowed. "Tell that to Selphie."

"No, Quistis, I didn't mean…"

She looked pointedly at her watch.

"Sorry." He tossed his hair back out of his eyes. "Are you coming to say goodbye?"

"Of course," said Quistis, briskly. "They are my friends, after all."

__

Or at least, they used to be.

* * * * * * *

__

~Full life~

~Curaga~

Xu came to with a start, looking around in a daze.

"Xu? Are you okay?" Irvine held her gently, stroking her arm.

"What? Irvine? I'm… fuck, my head hurts."

"It'll fade soon. Do you want another cure?"

She shook her head. "I thought you said it wouldn't hurt," she murmured, shifting slightly but making no effort to extricate herself from his embrace.

"It doesn't usually," said Irvine. "It was more… complicated that usual."

"It's okay," she said, in a small voice. "It worked… I can think properly now, and … have you unjunctioned Ether?"

"Yes," said Irvine. "It was Ether that was the problem, wasn't it? Between us? After you junctioned Bane."

She nodded. "Yes. The … it carries all the same prejudices as the Guardian did… It seems obvious, now. But at the time… I just couldn't think straight. Gods, it's been so _long_ since I could think…."

Squall and Irvine exchanged a look. "We need to ask you some things," said Squall, calmly. 

"Is that okay?" asked Irvine. "We wouldn't rush you, only we need to go soon."

"Of course… Selphie." She looked up at Irvine, eyes wide. "You're going to save her?"

"Yes," Irvine replied, simply. "We are."

"Just tell us what we need to know," said Squall. "Try not to leave anything out."

"Do you want a glass of water or anything?" Irvine offered.

Xu shook her head. "No, thanks." She took a deep breath. "I think Bane took over Chet's head. It made him do things, I think Chet was unwilling at first, but later… he was a different person. Bane feeds off dark emotions, anger, jealousy, hatred, and it made Chet feel those things so it could feed. Like Ether does with… other emotions."

"Ether doesn't make me do anything," said Irvine, quickly.

"Maybe because it doesn't have to," Xu gave a little smile. "You're very compatible. And maybe affection and love are easier to find round here than anger and jealousy."

"So where do the Dia come in?"

"Bane needs the crystals, for something. I don't know what, Chet would never tell me; and the crystals are related to the Dia somehow, although I don't know how. They have unusual properties: when they vibrate at a certain frequency they emit sounds, complex, like music. It can alter the human brain, especially if there's a certain combination of light, or if a particular potion is ingested. That's all I know about them. I found details of some of Chet's experiments, and he seemed to be trying to find out how it worked; it looked as if in some circumstances the brain could resist, but I'm not certain what they were."

"How can we get that kind of immunity?" asked Squall. "A silence spell? Ear protectors?"

"I don't know. I think it's the frequency of the vibration, rather than the sound… I can't be sure, Squall, I'm sorry. I think the memory loss is related, somehow, but I don't know how: maybe the vibrations erase memories, or something... we've never had anyone get the memories back, so we don't know.""

"It could be Bane," said Squall. "All Guardians can take memories. Maybe it's just better at it, so they don't come back."

"Maybe. I don't know."

"Do you have any idea what Chet is trying to achieve?"

Xu shook her head. "No. I'm sorry. He's obviously in some kind of an alliance with the Dia, but I don't know why, or what their motives might be. I'm sorry, that's all I know. If I think of anything else I'll let you know straight away." She shuffled a little, straightening her spine. "Now, go. Get Selphie. Please." She turned her pleading eyes to Squall. "Just bring her back, safe. Please?"

Squall put a hand to her shoulder, gave it a little squeeze. "I'll do my best, Xu."

"Get some rest," said Irvine. "We'll have her back in no time."

"I hope so," Xu said, her face troubled. "Whatever happens… Irvine… tell her I didn't want her to go, and I wish I could have kept her safe and.. tell her I love her. Please?"

There was a pause; Irvine swallowed. "Yes," his voice cracked a little. "I will." He looked into sad eyes. "I promise."

"Thank you. And Irvine…" she squeezed his hand, "I still think you jerk women around too much. But I'm sorry I said all those things. I know you're not.. you wouldn't… I know you're better than that."

"Xu… you know you have that thing inside your head, still?"

She nodded. "It's been there since that first junction."

"What thing?" asked Squall, alarmed.

"It's a shadow of Bane," Irvine explained. "I don't know what it'll do. But we couldn't get rid of it."

"It talks to me," said Xu, sending a chill right to Irvine's heart. "It tries to make me do things, say things… but it's weak, without the blocking spell. I can think straight, argue with it… before all I could do was ignore it as best I could. I'll understand, if you want to lock me up," she looked up at Squall with big eyes. "I know I could be a danger."

"I don't want to… but I think you'd better stay in your quarters. I'm sorry, Xu."

"That's alright. I understand."

"You might find it'll be easier to get rid of yourself, now you're thinking clearly," said Squall, remembering the conversation with Ether's echo, after he broke down the memory block. "If you don't listen to it, maybe…"

"Of course," Irvine remembered this, from Squall's diary; Ether's echo, after Squall had broken down his own memory block. _Gods. And he did that all by himself… without so much as a headache. _

He wondered suddenly what it looked like, Ether's shadow. Whether it was anything like the disgusting, writhing thing in Xu's mind. Irvine shuddered, skin crawling into goosebumps.

He realised Squall was standing, waiting for him; he gave Xu's hand a last squeeze and got up. 

"Thank you, Xu," said Squall, sounding at last as though he meant it.

"It's… there's nothing to thank me for. Now, go." Xu scrambled to her feet. "And bring back Selphie."

She looked at them both with a calm expression that belied her pain, and saluted.

* * * * * * *

"Hey, I wonder who's gonna drive?" 

"What?" Quistis watched Zell shadow box his way down the corridor, bouncing in a zig-zag from one side to the other, like some kind of demented pinball. 

"Well, you usually drive, don'tcha?"

"Only… well, yes. But it's not exactly a rare skill."

"It won't be Frila, she's too young…" Zell paused for a moment, taking that on board. "Shit, can you imagine? Too young to drive and already on her first mission."

"I'm sure she can drive," said Quistis, massaging her temples. She had to get through this somehow, she daren't take any more power from Pandemonia, and she was all out of elixir. She fervently wished Zell would just shut the fuck up and stay still.

"I think it'll be Squall. Wanna bet?"

"No, Zell, I don't. I want to see them off and get back to work as soon as I can. So should you."

Zell shrugged, and launched into an unnervingly efficient set of flick-flacks that took him the rest of the distance to the Garden entrance, where the others were loading the car.

Whoever was going to drive, Quistis didn't envy them. It was a long way, and cars were so slow. They'd gotten used to the Ragnarok, over the past couple of years, but it would have attracted too much attention for this mission, being the only space-worthy vessel outside of Esthar.

It was hopeless. How did they think they could sneak in under the Dia's noses and snatch Selphie back, after what had happened last time? Impossible. If she was even alive.

__

No. Stop thinking like that. Hold it together, Quistis. Just a few more minutes and they'll be gone, and you can get back to work and stop thinking about them…

It was Squall, as it happened, who hauled himself up into the driver's seat of the jeep, Rinoa beside him with a map, Irvine and Frila in the back.

Frila. A cadet. _Of course_, Quistis thought, bitterly. _Why take Quistis Trepe, highest ranking SeeD in the whole of Garden, apart from Squall himself, when you could take a fifteen-year old cadet?_

Oceanus, Quistis reminded herself. _That's why._

There was hugging, and Laguna clowned around some until Squall rolled his eyes and Irvine laughed, and then they were gone. They didn't even mention Selphie's name, not one of them, but it hung in the air as thick as smoke.

__

Just go, thought Quistis, over and over, until they were actually gone. Then everything went still and quiet, even Zell, and she found she couldn't move, she just stood, staring down the road until the jeep was less than a speck on the horizon.

An unfamiliar arm wound strongly around her body, feeling so good it made her ache inside.

"It'll be okay, Quistis," Laguna hugged her. "They'll be back before you know it."

__

Will they? thought Quistis, using all the strength she had to stand still and not surrender to this awful kindness. 

__

And, if they do, will I pretend to care?

* * * * * * *

They arrived at the coast just as the sun was setting. It would have been romantic, Irvine reflected, if they had just come for a beach party, the four of them… well. Not that he was thinking of Frila as a potential candidate for double dating, of course, but…

He touched Frila's shoulder, gently shaking her awake. She'd been asleep for most of the journey, curled up on the seat next to him like a cat. "Hey, Hotshot, we're here. Time to take the piss out of Squall while he puts the tents up…"

"I heard that, Irvine," said Squall, placidly.

Frila stretched and yawned, pulling herself slowly to sitting. "Pretty," she said, her eyes caught by the crimson wash of sky ahead of them.

__

Yes, thought Irvine, watching her smile softly at the sunset. _Very._

"You two go on recon," Squall said, "me and Rin'll set up camp. Try not to kill anything unless you have to, I don't want to draw attention to ourselves."

"Okay," Irvine jumped easily down from the jeep. It felt good to hear Squall give orders that didn't refer to personnel or deployments. Almost like old times. "If you're sure you two wouldn't rather have the walk in the sunset option."

Squall gave him a hard stare; Rinoa giggled. 

"Just sayin'," Irvine grinned. "Come on Hotshot, let's go see how the land lies. Do you want us to find fish for dinner? Or are we on dry rations?"

"Whatever," Squall said, busy unloading gear into a tidy pile. 

"Fish would be lovely," said Rinoa. "See if you can find any of those little pink ones with the spiky fins. I love those."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do." 

"Pricklefish," said Frila, distantly, still gazing at the sunset. "My brother used to bring those back when he…" she tailed off. 

"You have a brother?" asked Irvine, curious. 

"What?" she was startled, as if she'd not realised she'd said anything out loud. "Yes. Had. Come on, let's go. Pricklefish sound good."

Irvine and Rinoa exchanged a look; Rinoa shrugged. 

"Haven't you gone yet?" came Squall's voice from behind the jeep. "It'll be dark soon."

Irvine and Frila set off down the beach; Rinoa watched as they scampered over the dunes and towards the retreating tide. 

"Squall… what do you actually know about that mad cadet?"

"Frila?" Squall came closer, slipping an arm easily around her waist. "She's going to be a fucking excellent gunblader one day. Oceanus really likes her. She has instincts I haven't seen since… well, not in a very long time."

"Do you think she has the hots for Irvine?"

Squall considered this for a moment. He hadn't really considered any aspect of Frila's life apart from the punishing training schedule he'd set her. And her Guardian. 

"I guess," he said, eventually. "After all, most people do." He shifted a little awkwardly, his leather jeans suddenly constricting. _Including me, apparently,_ he thought, silently cursing his body for its response. He pulled Rinoa a little closer.

"Do you think he…"

"Gods, no. Of course not. She's far too young, and anyway, he must be so cut up about Selphie. I'm sure he's not even looking." He brushed his lips against her hair, breathing in her scent, suddenly intoxicated.

Rinoa gazed thoughtfully at the diminishing shadows of Irvine and Frila down by the sea. "I suppose you're right," she said. "Hey, thanks for getting rid of them for a while."

He grinned lopsidedly at her. "You noticed that, huh?"

She grinned back. "You're getting devious in your old age."

"I just wanted you to myself for a bit."

"I'm glad." She turned to face him, softly pressing her body against his. "I was worried we'd have to be terribly professional the whole mission, and …"

"No," he said, his voice deep, his hands smoothing over her back, one coming to rest on her butt. "I couldn't do that. I want you too much," he brushed his lips over her ear, down her neck, "all the time."

She moaned softly, her body responding instantly to his touch. "Now," she said. "Here. Right here. I want you to do me against the jeep, now…"

His lips brushed over hers, teasing a little, before settling into a deep kiss, thrusting his tongue into her mouth, pushing his hips against hers.

"Gods, Rin…" he breathed, sucking steadily on her earlobe.

"Gods yourself," she replied, sliding one hand between their bodies to undo his pants. "Do you have any idea what you do to me? You're so _fucking_ hot, Leonhart, with your hair and your sexy leather pants and your butt…" 

Squall might have been shocked at her words, a couple of weeks ago. But he knew her, now. Back in the Fire Cavern, when she claimed him, captured him by wrapping her strong body around him and welding their flesh together, he'd found the fire inside the sweet, pretty girl everyone thought they knew. As her knight he'd been the only one to understand her magic, getting right inside her soul to _feel_ it, deep, primal, needing… just like this… with a groan he pushed her against the car, lifting her none too gently onto the hood, his mouth sealed over hers. 

* * * * * * *

He fell forward, palms crashing onto the hood of the jeep, panting. He felt her hand, stroking his sweat-damp hair gently now; she was stretching luxuriously underneath him, a satisfied smile on her face. He realised he was grinning, even as he caught his breath, a stupid, idiotic grin, as if it was the only expression he could remember, she'd mashed his brains so well.

"That was nice," she purred.

"N… nice?" he stammered. "Just … nice?"

She laughed. "Alright, fucking fantastic. OK?"

"That's better," he let his elbows buckle enough so he could kiss her, licking the sweat from her neck, her face. "Gods, Rin, I never… you… it's never been like this before."

"I know," she murmured. "I wish… I wish we didn't have to be apart tonight."

"What d'you mean?" he raised his head, puzzled. "No-one's going anywhere till the morning."

"Yes, I know, I just meant… I won't be able to sleep with you."

"Well, you'll only be a few feet away." He kissed her throat, nuzzled her breast through her tee-shirt.

"But I can't … hold you. I can't make love to you. I need…"

"Again? I've just fucked you within an inch of your life, woman, what more do you want?" He considered that for a moment. "We could sneak off after dinner for a bit, say we were going to patrol…"

"No, I meant… well, yes, that would be fun, but… I'll miss you holding me when we go to sleep, and tomorrow there's the cave and the mission and…"

"… and you're frightened," he said, aware as soon as he'd spoken that his brain was still full of warm fuzzy post-coital bliss and not necessarily connected to his mouth. 

"Yes," she said, in a tiny voice. The fact that she'd admitted it so readily made him feel suddenly protective of her. "It's the tunnels… I can't…"

"Irvine could share with Frila," he stroked her face softly, "it'll be fine."

"But it's not… won't Frila mind?" she conveniently ignored the willingness with which Frila had seemed to be cuddled up with Irvine that morning. 

"We all slept together before now," he reminded her. "You remember that time on the way to Winhill? All six of us in one hotel room? Or you me and Irvine, when we were… oh." He stopped, suddenly deep in thought.

"What? I don't remember…" 

"No," he shrugged. "I think I must have dreamt it."

"It's different," she said, "when we have a choice. I meant what I said, back in the fire cavern. I don't want any special treatment."

She meant it. He could see her mind working, smoothing over the fear with pure determination, telling herself it would be alright. Making herself strong. So beautiful, his love, his sorceress, her skin glowing in the fading light…

"I'll be right here," he promised. "If you need me."

"Thank you," she whispered, big brown eyes warm and grateful. "Now, let's make camp before they come back. I'm not sure Frila's ready to see her Commander with his pants down yet."

To her delight he blushed, just a little. "It's all your fault," he kissed one bare knee as he carefully disentangled himself from her body, "you've corrupted me."

"Heh." She slid off the hood of the jeep, retrieving her shorts. "I could do with a shower," she murmured.

"It'll have to wait," said Squall. "You should've thought of that before you forced me to make you all hot and sweaty."

"Fair enough," she said cheerfully. "It's a small price to pay." She looked out at the ocean. The last few ribbons of pink and cream were fading into the horizon, leaving the inky sky and sea to merge together into darkness. "I wonder how the fishing's going…"

"Hn." Squall was rummaging around, looking for a light. "I expect Irvine's showing off, as usual."

* * * * * * *

Irvine was, in fact, being impressed.

Frila could fish. She was good at it: remarkably good for someone who didn't much like being still. But she was able to spot a fish, slide her hand in the water without making so much as a ripple, and just pick it out in one clean move. 

"Where did you learn to do that?" he asked, amazed.

"Oh, it's an old skill, passed down in my family for generations," she said.

"Really? I didn't know fishing and junk shops went together particularly." Irvine watched tiny waves washing at his feet, miniature surf.

"They don't," she gave him an impish smile. "It's Oceanus, actually."

Irvine huffed with mock outrage. "I knew that," he lied. "I was just testing." 

She laughed, rinsing her fingers in a little rock pool. "Cool, though, huh?"

"Yes." Irvine regarded her thoughtfully. The last of the sun was gone now, no more twinkles of light on the waves. "Is it working out okay for you, the whole Oceanus thing?"

It wasn't so dark that he couldn't see the spark in her eyes. "It's better than I ever imagined," she said. "Not just the power, the little things. It calms me down, makes me.. well, I can think better. Things are clearer. And it's like having a friend, someone who'll always listen and never judges." She picked a shell out of the pool, turning it over in her fingers; it was soft pink and purple, iridescent. "Is it like that for you?"

"Yes. It's different with different Guardians, but, yes."

"How many have you got?"

"At the moment? Just Ether. I can't junction any others while I've got Ether. But sometimes there's Siren, and Shiva."

"And they're all different? I mean, they _feel_ different?"

"Uhuh. Do you want to try?"

"What?"

"Here." He pulled her hand to the back of his head. "Take Shiva from me. Just for a minute."

"How?" She couldn't keep her fingers still: they automatically curled to stroke his skull.

"Just call her, like you did Oceanus. She's not junctioned."

"She? I thought they didn't have gender?"

Irvine snorted. "Believe, me, Shiva's female. You'll see. Some of them do, some don't."

"Oh. Okay."

Irvine felt the brief loss as Shiva left him for Frila.

"Wow." Frila looked up at him, almost glowing for a moment as she took on Shiva's icy power.

"Alright?" Irvine asked.

"Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's… different."

"See? Like I said."

"And female," she grinned. "She fancies you."

"What can I say?" Irvine shrugged, grinning. "We flirted for a bit, but at the end of the day… It would never work, human and Guardian… we reached an understanding."

"And Squall. She likes Squall, too."

"What? She never told me that," Irvine mused, a little offended. "Although I guess it makes sense. Hey, how come she's telling you all this?"

"Well, girl talk, you know."

"Hmph. No fair. If I wanted you to know all my secrets I'd have given you Ether."

"What's Ether like?"

"Ether's… very different. The whole emotion thing, pretty big. It took some getting used to."

"It must have. Here, you'd better have Shiva back." She took his hand, ready to pull it to her head.

"Nah. You keep her for a while. I can't have her junctioned with Ether, and I've got Siren for back up. You'll have more use of her than me. Besides," he curled his fingers around her hand, "she'll get less distracted in your head than in mine."

"Thank you." She looked up at him; it was nearly dark, the tide had receded and the surf no longer played at their feet. "Irvine, I…"

He silenced her with a kiss, holding her close and plundering her soft mouth with his tongue; she pressed her body up against him, moaning softly.

He felt Ether singing in his head, and suddenly pulled back. "Fuck, Frila, I'm sorry, I…"

"Don't apologise," she said, softly. "You're always apologising for giving me what I want. There's no need."

"Yes, there is. It's not…" _not what I want. It's Ether. It's not what I want. Is it?_

"We could both be dead tomorrow."

He froze, his arms still around her; he could feel her heart beating against his chest, pounding, so strong, so alive… "Don't say that," he whispered in her ear, his head filling with the ocean scent of her hair, "don't ever say that."

"But…"

"Tomorrow we're going to rescue Selphie," he said, as if it were the most straightforward thing in the world, "and I'm going to take care of you, and it's going to be alright. I promise."

She sighed, her body leaning into his, soft and warm. She didn't say anything, just let him hold her, her eyes closed. 

They stayed like that until their shadows had blended into dark, and the only clue to the ocean's presence was the distant roar of the waves crashing over each other in the stillness of the night.

* * * * * * * *

Selphie looked at the chain, and wondered why he'd put it there.

She hadn't tried to run away. There was no way she could escape from her cell, take on the guards. No way at all. She could barely stand.

The chain didn't bother her. The cuff around her ankle chafed a little, but being physically shackled to the wall seemed somehow irrelevant. The real chain was in her mind, weaving black around her thoughts, her memories. It was taking every scrap of strength she had to resist it now, and every time it left more of itself behind, writhing and twisting in her head. 

__

Xu. For Xu. I can survive this, for Xu.

Footsteps. Familiar. How many times now? Ten? Twenty? More than twenty? She had no idea.

She hummed silently in her head, careful not to sing out loud: the gag had choked and hurt her, she didn't want that again. The door rattled open, and he was there, dark, glowering, vial in one hand, crystal in the other.

He didn't bother taking her to the lab any more. He gave her just enough time to regain consciousness, build enough strength to make it worth his while.

He backhanded her sharply across the face, splitting her lip. Blood flowed to her tongue, bright, warm. She didn't cry out, but she glared at him with all the hatred she could find. He had to hit her, to make her angry; she had that little left. He needed her angry, hating him, she understood that now. So she let him have her hatred. The sooner he did this, the sooner he'd go.

"You have surpassed our wildest expectations," he droned. "No-one should be able to endure what you've lived through."

This was the end, then, she realised. He'd toyed with her all this time, tested her, but he'd always had the power to finish it. And this was the time. Now. Here. This was when she was going to die. She was foolish to ever have thought she might survive.

He carried out the ritual swiftly; the liquid in her dry mouth tasted bitter, like gin; the crystal burned her skin. She closed off the corner of her heart where she kept Xu, and let him play with the rest. She felt weary, resigned: at least she could keep her memory of Xu - or was it a dream? - whatever it was, she would take that with her, pure, unsullied, to her grave. It was comforting. Xu, her dark hair shining in the sunshine that day they'd spent in Winhill, making love in the flower field… Xu holding Selphie in comforting arms as she cried in the graveyard at Trabia, a year to the day after her Garden was destroyed; Xu sending her on this mission, impatient with her because she was hungover; Xu crying in the shower, begging her not to go… Xu…

__

Oh no.

No. Please.

She looked at him, vivid green eyes wide with horror.

"No!"

A slow, sadistic smile spread across his face. "Oh yes," he said. "There it is."

"No, you can't have her! You bastard! Fucker! No!" she screamed her throat raw, sobbing, pulling her mind back out of reach, but too late.

"Xu," he laughed. "Of course. How did I miss it before?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she cursed herself over and over for her weakness. She'd been so close…" _Xu, I'm so sorry…_

"Sorry? Now, why should you feel sorry for Xu? Oh, that's right. You _love_ her. You want to see her again. You want to play peverted little games in the meadow with her. You want to be with your girl, don't you, little Selphie? You want to do bad, naughty things with her…"

"No! I'm not listening! I won't listen! No!"

"Let me see, where was the bit in the shower again?" He reached into her mind, black, dirty, twisting… "Here it is. Oh, hang on, let's go back a bit. I do so love a bit of girl on girl action. And see, you're so pretty, with the soap and all…" 

She tried to close her mind, to think of something else, to not _look_ while he replayed her memories, but it was impossible.

"Oh gods... oh gods... oh gods… no, no, no…" she nearly forgot to hum, remembering just in time, as the pain started and her mind threatened to slip away.

"Now, this is interesting," he was saying. "You see, she didn't want you to go, did she?"

__

She was frightened. Worried that I'd forget her. She wanted me to remember her. Because she loved me.

"Now, you were doing well there for a while, then you let your blind, stupid love misguide you. You're absolutely right, she was worried that you'd forget her. But you seem to think she loves you, and I'm sorry to have to tell you that she doesn't, much. She can't do, because, you see, it was Xu who led you here. She sent you on this mission, and she knew I was here. She delivered you straight into my arms, because she knew you were the one I could use. When she said she wanted you to remember her, she didn't mean in some romantic, kinky lover way. She wanted you to deliver your memories of her to me. And, oh, my pretty, how well you've performed."

__

No. Don't listen. Xu would never…

"Oh, but she would. Why do you think all this happened? Why do you have two sets of memories for those months after Ultimecia? Haven't you asked yourself why? Who had the power to make you forget the great love of your life for her? To re-write history so she could possess you?"

"No. She would never… I was… she comforted me, after Irvine… she…"

"Oh, now you're sounding pathetic. There's loyalty, and there's love, but this is just pathetic. Think about it, you stupid slut. She sent you here to die. She knew. She knew I would do this to you, she could have called off the mission and she didn't."

"But…"

"So, you see, you don't have any friends." His body circled her, prowling, as his Guardian insinuated into every corner of her mind. "Trepe abandoned you. Dincht hated you for what you did to Heartilly. We know only too well what Heartilly and Kinneas and Leonhart did, don't we? And your lover betrayed you. To me. Here."

She hung her head, beyond despair.

"So," he purred in her head, as the thing feasted on her anguish, "there's no point any more, is there?"

__

No. No point at all. None. Without them, I am nothing. I should have died at Ultimecia's hand. I wish I had.

Her survival mocked her; it had just prolonged the end, after all. 

And she knew, as Bane bent blackly around her mind, that this was the end.

**************************************************************

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Author's note: Hope it was worth the wait! Sorry it's taken a while, I've been dallying with Weiss Kreuz… now I have two fandoms to write in at once. And crossovers. ::happy sigh:: All I need now is the 48 hour day ^_^


	24. Retrieval

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

I'm still a review junkie, so please tell me what you like and what you don't, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) And many thanks to my regular reviewers, who keep me going when the chapters don't come easy ;)

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****

Chapter 24 - Retrieval

"Hey, Irvine, man… it's alright…."

Squall's voice. Awkward, thick with sleep, but reassuring. An arm around his shoulder, warm breath in his ear.

"Squall…"

"You were dreaming."

Dreaming? Selphie…

"We're too late," he whispered. "Too late."

"It was just a dream." Irvine realised he was sitting up, Squall kneeling beside him, arm about his shoulders. Naked arm, on naked shoulders. Warm. Comforting.

"It was…"

Fading. He couldn't remember much anymore. Just that they were too late. Selphie was gone.

His face was wet. Tears.

"Irvine…"

"We're too late."

"No, we're not. Come on, man. It was just a dream."

"I… " He couldn't shake it off. He tried to focus: on the tent, on his rifle, on Squall's knee, touching his thigh. But his heart was full of grief, and he didn't even know why.

"Junction something," said Squall. "It'll help."

Irvine obediently called Ether, felt the power of the junction straight away. 

"Better?"

Squall's grey eyes looked unusually soft and gentle in the warm glow of the night light. His hair was rumpled from sleep, tumbling to his shoulders; his lips were slightly parted. Irvine could see the tip of his tongue. 

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

Irvine didn't think, his brain was besieged with sadness he had no name for. He only had to lean forward a little, cradling Squall's skull in one hand, and their lips met. They kissed soft and long; Squall might have hesitated at first, but only for a second.

Irvine rested his hot forehead against Squall's cool one, listened to Squall's voice.

"It's Ether. It's hungry. You need to get control."

Of course. Ether. 

"But…"

"Take Shiva. You need to think clearly. Let Ether go, Irvine," his voice was calm, gentle. "Trust me."

__

Always. 

Irvine stole one last, brief kiss, before he let Ether slip, murmuring complaint, from junction. He welcomed Siren instead, and let her clear his head.

Squall still looked adorable, pale skin glowing golden, watching Irvine with a steady gaze.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't… Ether…"

"It's okay," said Squall, steadily. "Not a problem. Are you feeling better?"

Irvine nodded. "A little. Just… gods, so sad… like… I think... I dreamed it was too late. That Selphie was already gone… I think… it's very fuzzy. It must have been too much for Ether to cope with, when I junctioned…"

"My fault. I should have been more specific about who to call."

"You didn't…" Irvine felt some of his strength start to return, as the dream faded. "You kissed me back." 

Squall shrugged. "You felt like you needed it. Don't tell Rinoa, okay?" he said, with the faintest trace of a smile. "And don't do it again, or you'll get a severe case of gunblade up your arse."

Irvine laughed weakly. "I must have woken you," he realised. "I'm sorry."

"I'd only just come off watch," said Squall. "I hadn't been asleep long. Don't worry. And don't worry about Selphie. We'll find her. She'll be okay."

He sounded so sure. And it had only been a dream.

Hadn't it?

* * * * * * *

The tunnels went on forever.

The tunnels were getting narrower.

If she ran now, it would still take an hour to get back to daylight.

An hour. They were barely halfway, and already, it had taken an hour.

It was taking so long. They couldn't go fast, they had to be so careful, and Squall kept _stopping_ to check they were alone, to decide what tunnel to take, as if it mattered, they were all the same, they all led straight to hell, they were all the same, running like the veins of a beast through the earth; all the same, tight, constricting, suffocating; all the same. She held her body away from the wall, jumping when her aversion to the rock forced her to brush against Frila.

"Sorry."

"'s okay. You alright?" the redhead whispered.

"Fine," lied Rinoa.

Squall shot an angry look over his shoulder. "Quiet," he growled. Then his eyes caught Rinoa's, saw the fear there even as she tried to cover it up, and his expression softened. "Sorry, Rin. We don't know who might hear us, okay?"

"Of course," she whispered, trying to smile for him. "Sorry."

The tunnel got narrower. Single file now. Squall organised them swiftly, himself in front, then Frila; two gunbladers to deal with immediate attack, then Rinoa; back up magic; and finally Irvine, ranged weapon, at the back. Standard formation.

She could feel the walls closing in, hard and clammy. 

If she ran now, it would take more than an hour to get back to daylight. 

She couldn't run. She couldn't slip away, she was sandwiched between Irvine and Frila, surrounded by cold, dark stone. She couldn't run.

__

~It'll be okay, Rin. You're with us.~

Ether? No… Irvine? 

She looked over her shoulder at him, astonished. _You're in my head! What the fuck… since when…_

~I can't read your mind, Rin. I can only project my voice into yours. I just noticed you trembling. Is this OK?~

"Since when?" she mouthed, silently.

__

~It's one of those things Ether learned to do. I never really needed it before, it only works if I'm close to the other person, and if I'm this close there's no point, I can usually talk. Plus, I thought it would be a little scary to be on the receiving end of. Is it?~

She shrugged. There was no way she could answer that properly without speaking, in a tunnel with barely enough light for basic lip reading.

__

~See what I mean? It's like playing a guessing game where you can only answer yes or no, isn't it? But… I'm here. If you need me, just let me know. I can prattle away in your head incessantly, if you want.~

She smiled. That sounded comforting beyond words.

__

~It would have worked really well on Squall, back in the old days. Just like a regular conversation with him, seeing as he only ever said 'whatever' anyhow. I could have filled those in myself.~

She suppressed a giggle.

__

~See? That's better. Now, look where you're going or you'll bump into Frila again.~

She pointed to his head, and then to Frila, who was feeling her way along the tunnel behind Squall, one hand on each wall.

~No, she's too far away. Really short range, like I said, and only one person at a time. Pretty useless normally. Anyway, I'm sure it would freak her out. It's just you and me, babe. Now turn around and concentrate. I'll just keep talking, yeah?~

Rinoa smiled gratefully, and nodded.

She squeezed her shoulders in, making as much room between her skin and the rock as she could, and walked on, as Irvine kept up a commentary in her head, funny, familiar, comforting.

Irvine didn't tell her the other reason he didn't use this power often, or why it only worked at such short range. 

He figured she didn't really need to know.

* * * * * * *

Quistis snapped her whip cleanly, taking the grat in one stroke, power flowing through her veins, into her junction. She located another and killed it in one stroke.

And again. And again.

Snap. Scream. Dead.

Snap. Scream. Dead.

Snap. Scream. Dead.

All gone.

She looked around the training centre hungrily, breathing hard, looking for any sign of movement.

There was none.

She was surrounded by green monster-bodies, twenty, maybe thirty grats, she'd lost count.

Enough?

She caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye, turned and kicked without thinking, expecting to impact against grat skull, looking for more challenge than her whip could offer.

Her foot was efficiently caught and held securely.

"Shit." She cursed herself instantly for the error, and instinctively raised her whip, all her balance on one leg.

"Quistis." He held still, not using his grasp on her ankle to turn her. Trusting her. "Steady."

Her ice-blue eyes flared briefly in recognition; she slowly lowered her weapon and he released her foot. 

"Laguna."

"That's right," he said. "No monsters. Just me."

"Sorry." She coiled her whip swiftly, neatly, avoiding his gaze without realising it. "Carried away."

"That's okay. An old man like me should know better than to go round creeping up on people in training centres."

"You're not old," the trace of a smile crossed her lips. "And you had me licked."

"Hmm… not convinced," Laguna considered. "I think that whip of yours would've got you out of trouble fairly quick."

"Except you could've had me on the floor in a second."

He gave her a slow smile, astonishingly like Squall's. "Maybe. Are you done here?"

"Yes." Pandemonia sang happily in her head, filling her with vibrant energy.

"Come have breakfast with me," Laguna suggested.

Quistis shook her head. "I've got to go through the rosters before we meet with Martine," she said.

"That's not 'til eleven o'clock," Laguna pointed out. "Come on, or I won't have anyone to talk to. Besides, I need to check some stuff with you. Kiros has been asking damn technical questions again."

Quistis considered. She hadn't eaten for… how many days? Still vibrating with the energy from the killing, she felt almost able to cope with the cafeteria. And it might just get Laguna off her back for the rest of the day.

"Okay," she smiled brightly. "Why not?"

* * * * * * *

__

~And then Duck put the chocoboy down for long enough to… oh, hang on, Rin. Look, it's opening out. I can see a light. ~

Rinoa brought herself back from the protection of Irvine's story to assess the surroundings she'd been blocking out for the past hour or more. The rock almost touched the bare skin of her arms; the tunnel smelt musty and damp. Frila's fire-red braid swung to and fro in front of her like a pendulum.

Then she could see the silhouette that could only be Squall's, and a soft, pink light.

Squall raised a hand to stop them, tantalisingly close to space, and air, and…

__

~Steady, Rin.~

She took a deep breath and worked hard to relax. She felt the wash of magic from Squall's scan spell flow over her. Reassuring, familiar.

"No life forms," he whispered. "Stay close."

The tunnel opened out into a small cavern, an emergency light in the ceiling casting gentle light and shadows over the rough walls. It was small, barely enough room for them to stand side by side, but after the confines of the tunnels it felt like a vast gallery to Rinoa. There was one exit: an archway with narrow, well-worn steps twisting upwards out of sight.

"That must be the way to the occupied levels," said Squall softly. "You remember the geophys. map, where the lines got darker… that should be about here."

Rinoa did remember the map. It was vast; she was reminded that they were looking for Selphie in a complex the size of Deling, and they had no idea where she…

"Once we get there we find something to beat up and interrogate, right Squall?"

Rinoa jumped: she'd got so used to having Irvine's voice in her head that it seemed strange to hear him speak out loud.

"That's the plan," said Squall. "We can't afford to hang around any longer than necessary. Come on, up the stairs. Same formation."

Rinoa half expected him to give her a look, or squeeze her hand encouragingly, but of course he didn't. She'd asked for no preferential treatment, and, being Squall, he was taking her completely at her word.

They headed up the narrow stone steps, twisting vertiginously up into darkness. 

If the tunnels had felt bad, this was a million times worse. Rinoa stuffed white knuckles into her mouth to keep from screaming, eyes tight shut, and froze. 

__

~Rin? It's okay. I'm here.~

She felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Irvine.

__

~Hey, did I ever tell you about the reconnaissance mission to Dollet where Duck decided she needed ice cream in the middle of this stake-out? So me and Zef were trying to find a store open at two in the morning, and we came across this club…~

Rinoa let Irvine's thoughts flood her head, and breathed again. 

__

~…and I swear I didn't know it was that kind of place, although the guy on the front door was wearing a skirt, which I thought was a bit odd… hey, babe, you ready to try movin'?~

Slowly, Rinoa started to climb the stairs.

* * * * * *

Quistis massaged her temples, wondering if Laguna would ever leave.

He'd insisted on staying with her after breakfast, on going over the rosters with her, patiently asking intelligent questions, making useful suggestions. Refusing to let her work alone, insisting that he needed to share the responsibility, that it was what he was there for.

__

He thinks I'm incompetent. Like Squall does. In fact, Squall probably put his father up to this.

She thought longingly of the bottle of elixir in her desk drawer, so close, but so impossible to get to while Laguna was watching her. Pandemonia was still basking in the power of all those grats; she could take just a little…

"Quistis?" Laguna arched an eyebrow. "Have you heard a word I've said?" Gently, not accusing.

__

Of course, thought Quistis, the power she leeched from her Guardian starting to clear her mind. _He's just concerned, is all._

"Sorry," she said. "I guess I'm a little tired. After all that training this morning. And there's so much to do…"

"Gods, of course. I'm sorry." Laguna rubbed the back of his head with one palm, looking a little guilty.

"I'm taking way too much of your time. It's so good of you to go over all this with me. It's a bit different from running a country, you know?"

__

There. See. It seemed obvious to Quistis' newly-energised mind. _He's the one who needs help._

"It's time to go see Martine, anyhow," she said. "You're okay on what we need from him?"

"Yeah," said Laguna. "We need for him to do as we say."

Quistis laughed, a soft, genuine laugh that warmed her eyes and lit up her face. "Fat chance," she said. "But we can try."

"Heh." Laguna hooked his hair behind his ears, smiled that Squallish smile.

"I promise you won't see me after the meeting," he said. "Unless I can persuade you to meet me for dinner? I do get awful shy in the cafeteria, you know. Zell says I have groupies, and that frightens the life out of me."

"I'm sure you do," said Quistis. "And I'm sure you don't need me to help you handle them."

"Oh, but I do," said Laguna. "I get this leg cramp, see, and…"

"Alright then," Quistis found herself saying, even though her heart sank at the thought. "Call for me at seven. But you're a wimp."

"Probably," said Laguna, happily. "But you can't say it's held me back."

"Amazingly, no," she teased.

"You're doing a great job, Quistis," he said, softly. "We're lucky to have you."

Surprised, she looked up into his warm emerald eyes.

And just for a moment, she believed him.

* * * * * * *

There was a door at the top of the stairs. Squall swiftly scanned, found no life signs on the other side. He pushed it open, shouldering against resistance that suggested it hadn't moved in a long time.

They emerged at the end of a long corridor, clinical-white walls stretching off into the distance. He could see one door on the left hand side about eighty feet away, possibly more beyond.

He was painfully aware that if they were attacked now, they'd be effectively trapped. Fast movement was impossible on those stairs.

__

Best not get into a fight we can't win, then.

His eyes flicked towards Rinoa, and a lump came to his throat. She was gulping down air like she'd been held underwater, her cheeks deathly pale. He wanted to scoop her in his arms, hold her close and…

"Keep your eyes open," he said. "If you feel or see or hear anything unusual, tell me."

They were about halfway down the corridor when the door ahead of them opened, and a man came out. He was dressed in navy trousers and a stiff-looking jacket that looked like a uniform.

He'd only just finished punching numbers into the control panel by the door behind him when he was pushed against the wall opposite the door, Lionheart's edge cold against the pulse at his throat, Squall's intense glare boring into him.

"I'll keep this short," hissed Squall. "Help us, and you don't die."

"Okay," he gasped. There was fear flickering in his eyes, but no resistance. "What d'you want? I'm just a guard, I…"

"We're looking for a girl," said Squall. "Just over 5 foot high, green eyes, dark hair. Hums a lot."

The guard shot a glance over Squall's shoulder at the room he'd just emerged from. "In there," he said. Too willingly. Annoyingly willingly.

__

This has to be a trap. "Irvine, don't…"

But Irvine already had the cover off the door panel, ripping the electronic guts out of it, Rinoa right behind him.

Squall hit the guard neatly on the back of his head and threw him against the wall, unconscious. _Fine. I'll stand watch, then, Kinneas, you fuckwit._

"Frila, watch the way we came. See anything, yell. OK?"

"Yes Commander," she nodded. If she was scared, it didn't show.

"And watch that guy. If he comes round, hit him again."

"Okay." 

"I'm going to watch this way. Irvine, hurry up!"

"We're in," Irvine caught the door as it opened and wedged it with one foot before it had a chance to shut again.

He saw her straight away: a small heap that Rinoa's eyes dismissed as a pile of rags in the gloomy cell.

"Selphie," he whispered. She wasn't moving. Not even a sign of breath.

__

Too late.

"Where?" Rinoa still hadn't spotted her.

__

~Full-life~

~Curaga~

He shot the spells at Selphie so fast Rinoa had only just registered what he was doing before the magic was bounced back at them, so hard it took her breath away. Not reflected. Rejected.

"'Elf!" Irvine's heart thudded in his chest; at least he knew she was alive. Alive. Not too late after all… "'Elf, it's Irvy and Rin…"

The bundle uncoiled in front of them as Selphie pulled herself onto her hands and knees. Irvine felt a flash of revulsion that was nothing to do with the blood and dirt clinging to her bruised body; it was deeper, it was a hatred of something deep inside her. He put out a hand to stop Rinoa going any further into the room.

"Selphie," he said, slowly, "we don't have much time. We've come to…"

"Get out." Her voice was deep and rough, not a hint of her usual sunshine in her ragged tone. "Fuck off, Kinneas, and take your little whore with you!"

There was a beat of shocked silence.

Selphie's expression twisted from an angry scowl to a gruesome smile.

"Too late," she said, in a shadow of her sing-song voice, "he's here."

Irvine felt it before Squall shouted to them: a push at his mind, dark, strong, repulsive beyond words. Ether pushed back immediately.

__

~Ether? That was Bane.~

~It was. I don't like it.~

Irvine might have chuckled, under different circumstances.

__

~That's an understatement. Okay. Mind shield. I don't want any passing out or nasty headaches this time.~

Ether had the shield in place in the two steps it took Irvine and Rinoa to rejoin Squall in the corridor.

Chet stood casually a few feet in front of Squall, his arms folded across his chest, his dark hair curling wetly around his face. His eyes, black and brooding, showed no concern at the menace of Squall's blade, poised and ready to charge.

"Well, nice of you all to drop by," Chet looked them over, and Irvine wondered why Squall hadn't killed him yet, fighting down his own anger before it choked him. "Commander," he nodded to Squall, "the little witch, and our dearest sniper. And… oh, a cadet. The gunblade slacker. Interesting choice, Leonhart. Fed up of brunettes, are we? Fancy another redhead?"

Chet's voice flowed like sickly treacle through Irvine's mind. He could feel the pulsing presence of the man's Guardian, moving about in Chet's mind and beyond, probing, feeling. 

"If you have a point I suggest you get to it," said Squall. "Before I kill you."

Chet smiled. "The point is, Commander, that you're here, and you need information from me, so you're not going to kill me. And I need information from you, so I'm not going to kill you, either. But I'm in charge, because this is my patch, and I could kill you in an instant if I really…"

He didn't get to finish his sentence before Squall clicked his fingers, and Rinoa obediently triggered her waiting spells.

__

~Triple~

~Aura~  
~Aura~

~Aura~

Irvine felt the surge of power through him and raised his rifle, but even before he'd taken his first shot he realised it would be useless. Chet wasn't unprotected; his bullets bounced off the invisible shield and fell harmlessly to the ground.

He _hated_ it when that happened.

Instinctively his eyes went to Squall for the signal; they'd done this so many times now, it was second nature. Squall flicked three fingers behind his back at them, as they watched Chet slowly draw his katana.

Guardians. 

__

~Ether. Manifest. Attack.~

Manifest didn't really describe what happened when Irvine called Ether; it didn't have a corporeal presence like most Guardians. But it felt different, it detached itself somehow from Irvine's mind and pushed itself at Chet, just as Shiva, Leviathan and Bahamut materialised and started their attack.

__

Shiva? Well done, Hotshot.

He risked the time to grin at her over his shoulder, but she was concentrating hard. 

The tentative link he still held with Ether rippled with reflected power as his Guardian attacked; for one gut-wrenching instant he was inside Chet's head with it, searching for a weak point. But there was nothing: the whole of Chet's mind was corrupted, every corner full of Bane's black, writhing essence. Irvine pulled back in horror, even as he felt the blackness thrust out in counter-attack. He forced his eyes open just in time to see Rinoa tumble backwards, clutching her head and screaming in agony. Leviathan's half-formed waterfall shimmered and faded. Irvine rushed to Rinoa's side and was about to reach for a potion when Ether came rushing back into his head.

__

~Sniper.~ The voice was weak, insubstantial.

__

~Ether?!~

Nothing. Out cold. Irvine swiftly junctioned Siren; Squall had already cured Rinoa, who was getting unsteadily back to her feet.

Bahamut and Shiva were keeping Chet busy for now, but they weren't hurting him enough. Not nearly enough.

"Leviathan's down," muttered Rinoa to him, "calling Gemini."

"No!" screamed Squall, "not…"

"She's promised, she won't hurt me." Rinoa closed her eyes, already summoning.

There was a blast of darkness, forcing them all back; Rinoa's protective spell held, but only just.

"Oh fuck," Frila murmured under her breath: Shiva was down, Bahamut fading with a last flap of its wings, and Squall was forced down to his knees, reeling from a flurry of blows from Chet's katana. She saw him signal to Irvine to wait with the cure; he was risking his own life so easily, knowing the aura spell would give him extra power while he was injured, trusting Irvine to time the heal just right to save him at the last minute.

She'd never seen heroism up close before, but it made her heart sing. At that moment, she was so hungry for it she would have charged at Chet herself, flashing her blade to die in a blaze of glory at Squall's feet.

__

~Child. Be still. There is no need to die.~

Irvine cursed Squall for risking him life yet again, and forced himself to wait while Squall surged forwards with Lionheart and slashed again and again, oblivious for that moment to the pain his body must have screamed at him. The moment came and Irvine released his spell, felt the surge of Bane's power retreat under the pressure of Squall's attack. Squall fell to his knees again, breathing hard as Irvine's cure washed over him at last.

* * * * * * *

Frila thought quickly. One Guardian down, one to go. You weren't supposed to call your last Guardian unless there was no other choice. 

She wondered if these people actually played by SeeD rules anymore; they had their own way of fighting, she realised, a team effort honed by years of back-to-back battle. They worked instinctively, completely in harmony. She felt lost, having to concentrate hard to pick up Squall's orders. She was hungry to join the battle, her blade singing in her hand, but Oceanus' voice was insistent in her head, restraining her. Protecting her.

The guard was stirring; she heard Chet yell above the clank of his katana on Squall's blade.

"Kill the prisoner!"

Frila understood instantly what Chet was trying to do; she could sense that Irvine was already moving away from the fight to protect Selphie, reducing the odds nicely towards Chet's favour; Irvine had been healing Squall as fast as Chet could injure him and that had to be annoying. Rinoa was lost in a trance of summoning, coloured lights flickering under her skin.

Frila knew what to do straight away.

"No!" she yelled to Irvine. "Let me. You're needed." 

She was gone before Irvine could stop her, charging at the guard with all the energy she could find, Oceanus singing in her ears.

It only took one slash, one shot. Her gunblade sliced open his chest as if making way for the bullet to find his heart; there was a lot of blood, and he slumped back to the floor, a surprised look on his still face.

__

What have I done?

She stepped back in horror. She'd killed someone. Not a monster. A person. And not because he was threatening her life. Not reluctantly.

She'd wanted to.

~It's alright Child. You mustn't falter now. I will protect you.~

Even as she heard Oceanus' voice in her head she could feel the energy running through it, and across the junction, to herself. It helped: the guilt and horror receded from her brain, she could think. 

__

Selphie.

She ran to the door as fast as she could, catching a glimpse out of the corner of her eye of two shimmering forms taking shape in front of Rinoa as she plunged into the gloom of Selphie's cell.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa exulted in Gemini's presence.

The strength and power of the fire cavern came rushing back to her a hundred-fold; she felt vibrant, and alive, and she knew they could win. 

She caught Chet in her rainbow gaze, and smiled.

__

~Kill him.~

Gemini Pandora filled the corridor with her song, and Squall saw fear in Chet's eyes for the first time.

* * * * * * *

Frila rushed to Selphie's side; she didn't really recognise her as such, but she figured there was only one bruised and beaten woman sobbing in the room, so that was likely to be her. 

"Selphie?"

"Who the fuck are you?" Selphie asked, more confused than angry.

"I'm Frila. I'm here to, um, rescue you. Come on."

Selphie gazed at her, open mouthed.

"What?"

"We have to go. Home. Come on."

Selphie shuffled onto her knees, and Frila suddenly noticed details: that Selphie looked too weak to stand; that she was very, very dirty, and that she was shackled to the wall.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," she said, "I haven't done this before. Here." She brought her gunblade crashing down on the chain, as close as she could to Selphie's ankle. She felt a surge of satisfaction as the links shattered, but Selphie screamed and hunched into a ball, cringing away when Frila tried to touch her.

Frila put her arm around her anyway, and held her close. After a moment Selphie started to relax, even cuddled into her a little.

"'s okay. I'm not that incompetent," Frila soothed. "We have to get you out of here, is all. Just trust me. I'm gonna cure you, 'kay?"

__

I won't mention I've not done this before, either.

~Cura~

~Esuna~

~Cura~

It wasn't enough, but it was something. Frila pulled a vial out of her pack, ripped out the stopper and held it to Selphie's trembling lips.

She resisted at first, but Frila just rubbed her back and hoped, and eventually she started to drink.

* * * * * * *

Squall was shouting something at Rinoa, but she didn't hear him. She was too focused on Gemini, on the power rushing through her from every blow. There was no fear, no need to worry. 

Multicoloured blades flashed and whirled, and Chet looked at them in horror and revulsion as they sliced his flesh like soft fruit.

She'd lost her magic, but it didn't matter. 

She was just getting started when he turned and fled.

* * * * * * *

"Okay, can you walk?"

Selphie nodded. "I think. Don't know if I can stand, though," she mumbled.

"Let's give it a go, eh? Come on, lean on me. I'm stronger than I look."

Selphie grunted, and slowly, painfully, pulled herself to her feet. 

"See? Standing?" Selphie said, with a trace of triumph. "Except… oh."

She tumbled back to the floor, only saved from yet more bruises by Frila's strong arms.

"Okay. I'll carry you. Just hold on round my neck. Once we're outside we'll see if we can get you junctioned or something."

Selphie obediently wrapped her frail arms around Frila's neck, and Frila lifted her onto her back with a grunt. It felt a little awkward, but Selphie hardly seemed to weigh a thing. 

There were some advantages to gunblade training, she thought.

She heard Rinoa's scream of triumph as she returned to the corridor; Chet was running for his life in the opposite direction.

Selphie started to growl into her neck.

"Hey, shh," she said. "I rescued you."

"Fucking Kinneas."

__

Well, no. Not that I wouldn't like to. "What?"

"Keep him away from me."

"That's okay. Squall's here, too, and Rinoa. See, she's running after Chet, and…"

Selphie convulsed against her back, "no, not him, no more, no, no, no…"

"Shhh…" Frila cursed her own stupidity _ Why can't I keep my mouth shut for once… _"It's okay. He's gone. You're with friends. Shhh…"

She was struggling to escape Frila's hold, sobbing and working up towards screaming again.

Then there was a wave of gentle magic, and she fell still against Frila's back.

"Well done, Cadet."

She looked up to see Squall standing in front of her, sweat-damp bangs in his eyes, relief plain on his face.

"Thanks," she smiled at him.

"Wait here," he said, "Selphie should sleep for a while. If she wakes up, just use an ordinary sleep spell. It'll be easier to get her out of here if she's unconscious. I'll be back in a second."

He turned and chased off down the corridor after Rinoa and Irvine, leaving her alone with Selphie and the dead guard.

The guard.

She lowered Selphie carefully to the floor, propping her up against the wall, and forced herself to look at the first man she'd killed.

Killed?

There was blood everywhere, although she realised now that she'd probably missed his heart after all; too low. She must've got a lung, only…

He was breathing.

Hardly at all, but there was a flutter, in his chest.

She darted a look up the corridor: Irvine, Rinoa and Squall were standing in a pool of multicoloured light. Chet was no-where to be seen.

She reached out one hand to cover the guard's wounded chest.

__

~Cura~

~Cura~

~Sleep~

She sat back on her heels, breathing hard from the effort of unaccustomed spell-casting, watching as his wounds healed, not completely, but enough. His breath stuttered back to something like a workable rhythm. She pulled his tattered jacket back over his chest. He was still covered in blood, and deathly pale.

It wasn't like anyone would ever know.

* * * * * * *

"Rin, stop, let him run! That's an _order_!"

"Rin, please! Listen to Squall! We don't know what's down there!"

They sighed unanimous relief as Rinoa stopped. Neither of them had been looking forward to trying to physically restrain her. She turned to face them, Gemini standing by her side, the two shimmering forms blending back to one. 

She looked stunningly beautiful, her face washed in colour, her skin glowing. Strong. Powerful. Triumphant.

Irvine and Squall stood in her reflected glory, awash with pride, fear and lust.

Gemini faded out, unsummoned, and the corridor fell back to white. The three of them looked at each other for a moment.

"You okay?" stammered Squall, uncertainly.

"Fuck, yes," said Rinoa, grinning at him, and running rainbow-tinted eyes over Squall's body so blatantly that Irvine felt the need to look away, feeling distinctly voyeuristic, and just a tiny bit jealous.

Squall cleared his throat. "Frila's got Selphie," he said. "Let's get out of here."

"Great," said Rinoa, "lead on."

Irvine and Rinoa fell in behind Squall, side by side. 

"You alright, Rin?" murmured Irvine. "I'm afraid I won't be able to talk to you this time. Ether's out of action."

"What?" she looked puzzled for a moment. "Oh, that. No, that's fine. It's only tunnels." 

"You don't have to pretend to be brave, Rin. Not with me."

She gave him a warm smile. "No, really, I don't mind. There's nothing to be afraid of, after all."

Irvine smiled back, and squeezed her hand, and hoped very hard that she was right.

* * * * * * *


	25. Refuge

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Many **thanks** to gwen and laura for beta-ing and giving general encouragement :)

This is **brutally hacked** in places to conform with fan fiction net's censorship policy. The full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended is on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ ^_^_

I'm still a review junkie, so please tell me what you like and what you don't, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) And many thanks to my regular reviewers, who keep me going when the chapters don't come easy ;) 

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Chapter 25 - Refuge

Quistis opened her eyes on the new day with a now-familiar sense of dread. 

She felt sick, her head ached, she was tired already, and it was barely dawn. She didn't want to move. 

She wanted to die, although the thought of death was more terrifying than ever.

She wanted her friends back, although she'd been quick enough to want them gone.

She had to get up. She'd arranged to see Laguna for breakfast. Last night, after dinner, when they'd sat in the officers' bar for hours and talked, Pandemonia's power and alcohol rushing through her blood to lift her spirits, the treacherous voice of happiness in her mind telling her everything was alright… last night, when so much seemed possible, like getting up in the morning, showering and meeting someone for breakfast.

She had to get up. If she didn't, Laguna would _know._

With more willpower than it had taken to fight Ultimecia, she swung her legs out of bed and stood up. She did this every day. Every single day. She could do it today, too. She took a deep breath and stretched as she pulled her nightshirt off, shaking her head to free her hair. She took a firm step towards the shower. 

__

I can do this. I can do it. Without help. I can do this.

Her body was trembling, she realised. Maybe she was sick. She could call Laguna, then, with a perfectly good excuse not to go to breakfast. Was she sick? 

She'd never had a day off ill in her life. She'd fought through migraines and period pains and colds, and even that infection from the stupid grat scratch she hadn't noticed after training that time, and never taken so much as a… well, the odd drop of elixir, maybe, like anyone would, here and there, if there was no other way, but…

She frowned. When had that started, exactly?

Quistis absently sat back down on the edge of her bed, thinking. She couldn't remember the first time she'd used elixir. She'd always had it around. All the cadets in her year had used it, not to get through the day, but for pleasure, or to heal the odd wound that they weren't allowed to use magic for. Not much, just occasionally. It was expensive, of course, but one of her friends stole it from the store in Balamb. They used to pour tiny drops on their skin to feel the fizz. And then, as they started to get interested in more specific parts of their bodies, it was only natural to see how the fizz felt in more private places… but not often. Not often at all. Hardly ever. And only for fun.

She hadn't used it all the while they were trailing after Ultimecia, except when Squall had given it to them to save their lives. She'd stopped buying it for herself not long after she became an instructor, after she lost a bottle in the training centre and worried it might have got into the wrong hands, that she'd get into trouble, or they'd trace it back to the shop in Balamb. 

She couldn't remember when she'd started using it like this. But elixir wasn't addictive. It had no withdrawal symptoms, it was just magic.

__

Am I sick?

Then she remembered the wine, last night, at least a bottle each, maybe more. She sighed with huge relief. A hangover. Of course, she wasn't sick, or having some previously unheard of elixir-withdrawal, or going mad. She just had a hangover.

She shook her head, smiling at herself for being so blind, and strode more confidently to the shower, calling Pandemonia as she went, and ignoring the faint sense of unease at the back of her mind.

__

~Esuna~

The headache cleared, and the trembling stopped, mostly. _That's better_. She stood under the shower and turned the jet on full, tilting her face to the water; gasped as the blast struck her skin, closing her eyes as it brought her body swiftly to life.

She could do this. She _had_ to. It was only breakfast, after all. She could smile and laugh and eat breakfast, then Laguna would never know how weak and pathetic she really was, and she could lock herself away for the rest of the day.

__

Quistis, listen to yourself…

She choked a sob, furiously soaping her hair and body, eyes closed against tears and stinging shampoo alike. 

__

I can do this, I can do this…

She rinsed quickly and shut off the water, slipping into a plain towelling robe, drying her hair roughly. She almost ran through to her living quarters, searching through her basket of unsorted laundry for underwear and clean uniform, as yet unironed, needing to keep the momentum going, afraid to stop and think. When did she stop bothering to iron things as soon they were washed? When did her living area become such a jumble of papers and clothes? When? How? Why was she suddenly so _useless_?

Her headache and exhaustion returned all at once; she sat wearily on an almost-clear patch of sofa, pulling her robe more tightly around herself, and let the tears come. Her whole body wracked with huge, gut-wrenching sobs, everything around her still, as if frozen in time, while she gave vent to huge, overwhelming misery.

She didn't hear the door open.

"Quisty?"

She looked up at him with liquid, red-rimmed eyes. "Oh, gods," she whispered. "oh, gods, not you. Oh gods. I can't…"

"It's okay, baby," she felt strange, detached, as if she was watching herself from a distance as a strong arm wound around her shoulder, and almost-familiar hair brushed her face.

"Laguna, I… oh gods, you shouldn't see me like this, I just," she yanked breath almost painfully into her lungs between sobs, "I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm so scared and it's all so dark, so, so dark, and I… I… I…"

"Shhh. You don't have to say anything, baby. Just let me hold you."

Quistis clung to Laguna as if he were all that stood between her and oblivion, and wept in his arms.

* * * * * * *

Irvine watched as Frila lay Selphie carefully in the back of the jeep, longing so badly to touch her, hold her, but afraid she'd wake up again. It had happened just once, in the tunnels, when they'd paused and he'd reached to stroke her hair; she'd jerked to life and screamed, so loud he thought his ears would shatter. There was such hatred and fear in that scream, he was almost glad it had been too dark to see what was in her eyes.

All this time he'd focused on this moment, on getting his 'Elf back, even if she was with Xu, just to know she was safe and see her smile… but there was no smile. Not for him. 

Rinoa squeezed him gently on the shoulder, breaking into his thoughts. "Hold this for Frila," she said, handing him a small bowl of warm water. "As soon as we've got Selphie cleaned up and properly cured we're going to Esthar. Squall thinks Odine might be our best chance of finding out what's happened."

"Yes, I suppose…" Irvine cast his eyes over to Squall, who was standing a little way off, examining a map with his usual frown on his face. "You were amazing, Rin," he said, absently. "You OK?"

"Yeah," there was still the tint of rainbow in her eyes, but otherwise she looked her usual self. "The last half an hour or so was a bit rough, after I came down some. But I'm OK. Still no magic, though."

"What?" Irvine almost dropped the bowl. "You've lost your magic? How?"

"I can't… I can't think about it. If I try to pull my power together it just…" she shuddered. "Ick. It feels all wrong. And if I try real hard I feel like I'm going to throw up, and my head starts to hurt. So I figure, maybe I just don't need to use magic for a while. Maybe…"

"Rin, that's a mind block," said Irvine, fighting a growing sense of panic. "Like Xu and Squall. That's Bane."

"What?" Her eyes flared for a moment, slight orange tints highlighted in the rainbows, "no, surely not, it's… just… it's…"

"Squall! Get out of that map and over here," Irvine yelled, trying to keep his voice steady. "I think we have a problem."

"What's the matter?" Squall strode towards them, dropping the map back in the jeep. "Is Selphie OK?"

"Yeah, it's just Rin… I think she has a mind block. Like…"

"I'm not sure," said Rinoa, "maybe if I… ow, fuck, that hurts."

"Gods, Rin!" Squall slid an arm around her shoulder, "why didn't you tell me?"

"I just did," Rinoa pointed out, "I didn't know what it was… it just … ow."

"Try not to think about it," said Squall. "Then it won't hurt."

"Hn. That's easier said than done." Rinoa grunted.

"It's OK, Rin, we can get it out," Irvine took her hand, soothing, "it'll be allright. I promise. I just need to get Ether back. Squall, I need two Returners, you know how hard it is to get Ether to wake up. Unjunction Gemini, Rin, Ether doesn't like her. And we'll need to get away from Selphie, I think Ether might upset her if she wakes up. You OK with that, Frila?"

"Sure," Frila took the bowl from him, dipping a soft cloth in the water. "I'll get her cleaned up and make sure she stays asleep."

"We'll go down to the beach," said Squall. "There's a quiet spot just behind the dunes over there that Rin and I found last night when we were… patrolling."

Irvine took just a moment to enjoy the blush that spread across Squall's perfect cheekbones. 

"Patrolling, eh?" he smirked, gripping Rinoa's hand tightly. "Is that what they call it these days?"

"Shut up, Irvine," said Squall, "let's get this done."

"What, exactly?" asked Rinoa, worriedly, following Irvine and Squall as they led her away from the jeep. "You're scaring me here, guys."

"Sorry, Rin. I just need to use Ether, and… it's kind of like dispelling a spell. That's all."

"And you've done this before?"

"Yes. Xu had the same thing. And Squall."

"Squall! Squall, you never told me!"

"It's not important," said Squall. "It wasn't… it didn't matter. It's gone now."

"But why… did it block your power?"

"No, just…" Squall struggled, "it doesn't matter."

"Sometimes it stops you thinking about particular things," Irvine explained. 

Rinoa frowned. "What things?"

"Oh, just.. things," said Irvine, noncommittally. 

"So my power's still there?" she puzzled, "it just… ow!"

"Just relax," said Irivine. "I'll get rid of it. You'll be fine."

Irvine waited until they were settled before he tried to rouse Ether. Most Guardians could be brought back good as new from being knocked out, but for some reason Ether took it hard, maybe because it was so much more than a physical presence. He sat cross-legged opposite Rinoa, while Squall perched on a nearby rock watching.

Irvine gulped down the Returners, grimacing at the taste. That was another reason he usually liked to get Ether back by good old-fashioned sleep. Guardian potions tasted vile.

He waited for a moment, until he felt a familiar stirring in his mind, still very weak, despite the Returners, which struck Irvine as unusual. 

__

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~You OK?~

~Weak. Power… fading. Need rest.~

~I'm sorry. I need you. Rinoa has a mind block, we need to go in and cleanse.~

~No power.~

~That's ok, I'll heal you.~

~Want. Need. Take.~

~Sorry, Ether. Can't do that right now.~ Irvine looked across at Rinoa, her body still glowing faintly with the remnants of Gemini's power, rainbow eyes expectant, almost hypnotic, her full breasts rising and falling with every breath… _~Stop that. I can't.~_

~Want. Need. Take~

~Ether, for fuck's sake.~ "Squall, chuck over that Guardian mega-potion."

"Sure," Squall tossed a vial over to Irvine, shaking the hair out of his eyes as he did so; his soft, dark hair, that curtained those sultry grey eyes and fell as soft silk to his shoulders… _~Ether, dammit, stop it.~_

~Want. Need. Take.~

~Oh, for crying out loud…~ Irvine gulped the potion down so fast he hardly tasted it, which, on reflection, was a blessing.

He breathed deeply for a few heartbeats, feeling Ether's power grow a little.

__

~OK, Ether?~

~Thank you, Sniper.~

~That's not a problem. Now, the mind block?~

~Of course.~

"Okay, Rin," he took Rinoa's hands in his own, "Ether and I are going to come into your mind. Just relax, and let it happen. We won't hurt you, but if you feel uncomfortable just squeeze my hands, OK? Don't try to pull back."

Rinoa nodded. "Fine."

Irvine was suddenly taken by how well she was taking all this. She showed none of Squall's reluctance, never mind Xu's fear. She welcomed him into her mind perfectly happily, as if it was something they did everyday.

He found the wall straight away, relieved that there wasn't any sign of Bane's echo. Just a wall, wide, very big, but then it would take that to keep a sorceress from her power, he supposed. It actually looked new, as though the mortar hadn't had time to set. He focused Ether through his mind, and started to take it apart.

He was set in for a long session, pleased that Rinoa didn't seem to mind him being there, but after the first few bricks the wall started to collapse by itself, suddenly as fragile and insubstantial as rice paper. Irvine continued to channel Ether's power, clearing away rubble and debris, but there was no real need. A soft wave of multicoloured light flushed through Rinoa's mind, rich with the sound of her laughter, and washed it all away in an instant.

He felt Rinoa's presence, confident, strong, happy. He felt her love for Squall, for himself, and a sudden memory, of that afternoon in the quad, when they'd kissed and she'd wanted to…

He pulled quickly back from the memory, realising it was hers, but couldn't help comparing it to his. The kiss, the regret, and then that precious afternoon with Squall… 

__

~Irvine? What…~

Irvine pulled back from her mind, panicked.

__

~Ether? Are we done?~

~Sorceress is well. We leave.~

Irvine withdrew as quickly as he dared, and his eyes shot open, searching Rinoa's. He was dimly aware of Ether fading again, weakened; he let the junction go.

"Rin…"

"Irvine…"

"Oh fuck," he whispered. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you could… you were in my mind," he said, a little accusingly. 

"Well, how was I supposed to know?!" Rinoa dropped his hands suddenly, and scrambled to her feet, indignant. "I was just curious, and I was thinking about you, and Squall and that day, and then you went somewhere, so I followed." She frowned. "Or something. I don't know, exactly."

Squall's cool voice cut the air between them. "What happened? Rin, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she said, looking a little confused. "I went into Irvine's mind, he was remembering something, and…" her eyes widened, and she looked slowly from Irvine to Squall, and back again to Irvine. "Oh," she said, complete astonishment on her face. "Oh, my."

"Rinoa…." Squall started.

"She… I was remembering the day when… that afternoon," said Irvine, quietly. "The afternoon Rin graduated."

Squall swallowed hard.

"Oh my," said Rinoa again. 

"Rin, I can explain," said Irvine.

"But you," she pointed at Squall, "and you," indicating Irvine, struggling for words. "You both… and… and… oh my." She sat down suddenly in the sand, blinking at them.

"It was Ether," said Irvine, "I was careless, and we'd been linked, like you and I were just now. Only I was still junctioned after, and the link was still there, so…"

"Ether made you do it?" she said, with a weak little laugh. "I thought you were supposed to be able to control Ether. I thought it couldn't put things there that…"

"I was wrong," said Irvine, quickly. "It was a mistake."

"No, it wasn't," Squall said, quietly. "He's trying to do the decent thing, Rin, but he's talking bollocks."

Irvine looked a little offended, but kept his mouth shut.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," said Squall. "It was just one of those things."

Rinoa looked at him, astonishment still plain on her face. "I hadn't the faintest idea you felt that way about each other," she said. "I thought it was just a dream…"

"What?" said Squall, rather abruptly. "What dream?"

Rinoa shrugged. "Oh, nothing," she said. "Just a dream I had once, with you and Irvine, I was watching you, you were on Irvine's bed and… I just thought it was my dirty little mind working overtime, but … maybe I picked up a vibe, or something. I really had no idea."

"It just happened," said Irvine. "It was one of those things. And it was before you guys got together. I'd never… he's yours Rin, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." Rinoa slowly pulled herself back up to standing. "Er.. do you mind if I just take a minute? I just need to be alone for a little while. You go back and check on Selphie, I won't be long."

Irvine and Squall exchanged a worried look. 

"Okay," said Squall, a somewhat wretched tone to his voice. "Don't be long, huh? We've got to get Selphie to Esthar."

Rinoa nodded, her hand over her mouth, and turned away.

__

Oh no, thought Irvine. _Just when I'd sorted things out with Squall, and now this. He'll never forgive me if she breaks up with him over this, and neither will she, and..._

He followed Squall back towards the jeep. He could almost feel the anxiety held in his friend's hunched shoulders.

They'd just turned the corner around the dune when he heard laughter.

Squall looked back sharply. "What the fuck.."

Rinoa's laughter.

"Er, Squall… I think…"

There was no mistaking it. She was laughing, breathlessly, helplessly.

"What d'you know," Irvine grinned at Squall. "I think it'll be alright after all, don't you?"

"But…"

Then there were foosteps thumping in the sand behind them, and Rinoa caught up, flinging herself into Squall's arms, and kissing him soundly. 

"I love you," she yelled, "you're just perfect, you know that?"

Irvine thought that no man on earth had ever looked quite so confused as Squall looked at that moment.

"And you!" Rinoa slapped Irvine somewhat roughly on the shoulder, "lay off my boyfriend!" 

"I'll try and remember that, Ma'am." Irvine tipped his hat. "Although Ether…"

"And that goes double for your stupid Guardian."

"I'll try and explain that to him," said Irvine. "First chance I get. He's gone back to sleep for now, though."

"Just as well," said Rinoa, sternly.

"Come on," Squall gently disentangled Rinoa's arms from around his neck, setting her back onto the ground, but keeping one hand clasped firmly in his. "Let's get to Esthar, before Selphie wakes up again. I think I've taken enough excitement for one day."

"You're so funny, the pair of you," Rinoa skipped along next to Squall, a huge grin on her face. "Did you really think it would freak me out?"

Irvine shrugged. "Well, yes," he said. "Why wouldn't it?"

"Irvine, you have a reputation. It's hardly a shock that you had sex with someone."

"I don't have a reputation," said Squall, quietly. "Or I didn't."

"No," admitted Rinoa, with a little squeeze to his hand, "but then you're always full of surprises."

Irvine caught the look between them, the one that said things were really alright, that they might need to talk about it properly later, but it wouldn't change anything. It was important, that look, a binding; loving, strong, secure. 

He fell back a little and let them walk ahead. 

He suddenly felt terribly, heart-wrenchingly alone.

* * * * * * *

"I just felt so lonely. They all seemed to be carrying on as normal," Quistis threw a soggy tissue vaguely at the bin, and plucked another from the box, "and I had all this responsibility, as usual, and they didn't…" She looked up at Laguna, needing the reassurance of his patient smile, "they thought I was boring."

"Oh, Quisty, I'm sure they didn't." Laguna took a mouthful of coffee, and set his mug down on the table. "It's always difficult, settling back to normal work, after a campaign. And Ultimecia wasn't just any campaign, was it?"

"But it wasn't settling… back, exactly." Quistis ran her index finger around the rim of her mug. 

"How so?"

"I wasn't a bureaucrat before Ultimecia," said Quistis, softly. "I was a teacher."

"Oh. Of course, you taught Squall…"

"And Zell," her mouth twisted slightly at the irony. "And… well, lots of them."

"What happened?" Laguna asked, gently.

"Oh no," she shook her head. "I don't want to go there. No-one knows but me and Cid, and… well, no-one who matters. I'd rather keep it that way, if you don't mind. It happened, and I can't take it back. That's all."

"But couldn't Squall…"

Quistis shook her head. "No. Not without him knowing, and I… I couldn't bear that. So, no. He couldn't."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I've come to terms with it, by now. Or… I thought I had." She looked around her, at the mess of her quarters, the robe she still wore, although it was nearly mid-day, her tangled hair falling around her shoulders in clumps. "I guess I have some work to do, after all."

"Maybe," he gave her a little smile. "Quisty, why didn't you tell anyone how you felt? Were they really all such a bunch of insensitive bastards?"

"Well… they were all busy with their own lives. It didn't seem important enough to mention to anyone. And it's only lately that it got so bad, really, and now we're about to fight a war… what do my problems matter, in the grand scheme of things?"

She meant it, Laguna realised. She didn't honestly think her feelings were of any consequence at all.

"Quistis, the others would be devastated if they knew you were so unhappy. Zell's already worried about you, you know." 

"Is he?" she looked genuinely surprised. 

"Yes. They think the world of you, we all do."

"I don't know why," she murmured, gazing into her coffee, watching a tiny speck of coffee ground floating around on the surface. 

He paused. _Because you're bright, beautiful, sensitive, strong, brave, _he thought. But somehow, he couldn't find the words to tell her that without sounding trite, or patronising.

"We love you," he said. "You should know that."

She looked up at him, the faintest of smiles flickering across her face. "Thank you," she said. "I…"

She was interrupted by the sound of the phone. 

"You'd better get that," Laguna said. "It might be news."

She dug the phone out from under a pile of _Occult Fan_ magazines, and picked up the receiver.

"Quistis Trepe," she said. "Oh, hi, Zell… I'm fine, just er… what's up?… They have? Oh, that's great," she turned to Laguna and grinned broadly, "yes, of course, I'll be along in a few minutes. Just need to finish up here… no, don't bother, he's here, I'll tell him. Thanks… Bye."

She put the phone down.

"They've got Selphie?" Laguna asked, "are they alright?"

"Yes!" Quistis squealed, throwing her arms around him in a bear-hug. "And she's alive, and well and, oh, gods, thank goodness they all got out all right. They're going to Esthar, to see Odine. I said we'd go meet with Zell in a few minutes… fuck, I need to get dressed and…"

Laguna hugged her back, sighing into her hair as if he'd been holding his breath for a long time. "Go get dressed," he said. "I'll see you there, okay?"

"Yes," she nodded against his chest, his brushed-cotton shirt soft against her nose. "Oh, gods, thank you, Laguna," she looked up at him, "I wouldn't have got through this morning without you."

"Anytime," said Laguna. "I'll be here. Whenever you want to talk."

Her eyes stayed on his for a moment.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He slowly let her go, and she left his embrace, not without regret. 

"See you later," Laguna grinned, and made his way to the door.

* * * * * * *

Irvine watched through the glass panel as Odine's medical staff settled Selphie into bed, attaching drips and sensors, tucking in sheets and blankets. His fingertips rested lightly on the window, as if he were touching her skin.

He felt Squall's hand on his shoulder.

"Alright, man?" 

"We got her back," said Irvine, softly. 

"Yes," said Squall. "We did."

"I didn't think it would be like this." Irvine pressed his forehead against the cool glass. "I thought she would run into our arms, and everything would be alright again."

Squall squeezed his shoulder, but didn't say anything.

"I thought maybe there would be tears," Irvine continued, "and that she'd perhaps be hurt. Last night I even thought she might be dead. But this… I never expected her to be like this. I never expected her to hate me."

"It's not you," said Squall gently. "She doesn't hate you. It's just Bane. Hyne, she's not that happy about me and Rin, either, from what Frila said. It has to be Guardian-related. It's nothing to do with you and Selphie."

"Isn't it?" Irvine noticed the nurse pulling the covers right up to Selphie's chin, and he wanted to yell at her: _no, not like that, she likes them just over chest, so she has lots of room to breathe. And she likes her arms cuddled underneath, so her fingers don't get cold. And she likes you to tell her a story, only half way through she'll take it from you and make up her own ending, and you'd best just go along with her, or she'll pout and get cross, even if your ending was better…._

"You and Selphie are bigger than this, Irvine."

"Maybe it's nothing to do with me anymore," said Irvine, a rare edge of bitterness to his voice. "Maybe it's just her and Xu. Maybe this is just to tell me to butt out."

"Don't be an idiot. Whatever there is between Xu and Selphie, man, it's nothing like what you have with her. You've loved her nearly all your life. Xu might get to sleep with her, but what you and Selphie have… That's how it works, for all… for most of us, from the orphanage. Otherwise, why did we come back together to fight Ultimecia? Why do we still stick around each other? You could've gone back to Galbadia, Selphie to Trabia, Rinoa to Timber. But you didn't. We always come back to each other."

There was a long pause, interrupted only by the faint beep of monitors from Selphie's room.

"Come and get some sleep," said Squall, gently. "You've been here for hours. Odine'll report to us in the morning."

Irvine was reluctant to tear himself away from the window, even though he knew Squall was right. He heard footsteps approaching: Rinoa and Frila. 

"Wow! This place is amazing!" Frila was saying. "It's all so… pink, and I couldn't believe the mall, and … oh." Her voice tailed off as she saw Irvine, still gazing through the window. "Is she OK?"

"She's still sleeping," said Squall, hitching his jacket over one shoulder. "They'll probably keep her sedated for a while longer while they do… tests and stuff."

Rinoa went up to Irvine and spoke softly to him, gently prising him away from the glass.

"Is Irvine OK?" said Frila, quietly.

"He and Selphie are very close," said Squall, then changed the subject, not knowing what else to say. "You did very well today, Cadet. I'm proud of you."

Frila beamed at him. "Really? Wow, thanks."

"You sure did," added Irvine, as he and Rinoa joined them. "Not bad at all, Hotshot." He gave her a grin, despite the worry etched into his soft features.

Rinoa yawned conspicuously. "I'm tired," she said, and winked at Squall. "What d'you say we go back to the Palace and get some sleep?"

A grin appeared on Squall's face, probably without him even realising it. "Sounds like a good idea," he said.

"Oh, alright," Irvine sighed. "Let's get back before you two create a scandal. I can see it now, all over the Esthar Times: President's son in sex-in-lab shocker…"

"Shut up Irvine," said Squall, with unusual affability. "Or I'll make you."

"He thinks he's so tough," Irvine stage-whispered to Frila, as they followed Squall and Rinoa up the corridor, "just because he's commander, and he defeated this big powerful sorceress…"

"Irvine…" growled Squall, much less affably. 

Irvine grinned, and threw Frila a wink. He looked almost his normal self. 

Almost.

* * * * * * *

True to their word, Rinoa and Squall went straight to their rooms once they got to the Presidential Palace, leaving Irvine and Frila in the corridor with hastily-made arrangements to meet in the morning. 

The door shut firmly behind them.

"Well," Irvine rubbed the back of his head, throwing Frila a sidelong glance. "Are you tired, Hotshot?"

"Not especially," said Frila. "It's only eight o'clock, and I slept in the jeep. You?"

"No," said Irvine, "but I am hungry. What d'you say we go get something to eat?"

Frila grinned at him. "Sounds good," she said. "Where?"

"Oh, there's this place I know," said Irvine. "I can bore you to death with stories about when we were here waiting for Squall to come back after he rescued Rinoa in space, and Zell insisted on looking everywhere for fucking hotdogs."

She laughed. "Did he really rescue her from space?"

"Oh yeah," Irvine led her out to the lobby, "real romantic, huh?"

"Stupid, if you ask me. How'd she get herself stuck out in space in the first place? I'd feel such a jerk if someone had to rescue me like that."

"She was kind of possessed. It wasn't her fault, really."

"Oh. Still. Embarrassing. I can't imagine Rinoa needing rescuing, somehow."

"Heh. Well, she's changed a lot." He nodded to the palace guards, and they stepped out into the bright lights of Esthar.

Irvine couldn't help but remember the last time he'd been here with Selphie. He was careful to avoid the hotel, even though it had the best restaurant in the whole City; he couldn't take Frila there. The memory of that afternoon was all he had of the life he'd wanted with Selphie, and the way things were it looked like it would be all he would ever have of it, so he guarded it jealously.

Esthar was beautiful at night, the soft pink glow of the shield that protected the City from the outside world casting a hazy glimmer of light over everything. The streets were clean, and the people friendly. Irvine always felt at home here, and watching Frila take it all in with wide-eyed enthusiasm made him feel better. It made Ether feel better too, slowly recovering somewhere in the back of Irvine's mind, growing enough in power that Irvine started to feel it in his limbs, healing the minor aches and pains from their battle with Chet.

The tunnels seemed a long way away, all of a sudden.

After they'd eaten he took her to a bar, and they drank beer and Frila made him tell her stories about Ultimecia, and what it was like, defeating a sorceress. He concentrated on the funny parts, mostly. Partly because he didn't want to dwell on the fear, or the violence, but also because he realised he really liked the sound of her laughter. It was natural and genuine, and it made her eyes shine like sunlight glinting off the ocean.

There was a short silence, after a while. She fiddled with the label on her beer bottle, deep in thought.

Irvine waited.

"Irvine…"

"Yep."

"Can you remember the first time you killed someone?"

"Yes." He would always remember. Always. "Why?"

"I just… what did it feel like?"

"It's different for everyone, Hotshot."

"I suppose. I…"

"You'll deal with it," he said carefully, "when the time comes."

She looked up at him. "How do you know that? How… what if I can't?"

He reached out a hand, cupped her jaw softly, stroked her cheek with his thumb. "We all do, babe. It's hard. But you will. You're strong."

She looked as though she was about to say something, but the words didn't come. He let his hand fall back to the table between them, but didn't resist when she laced her fingers through his. 

She couldn't stifle a yawn.

"It's been a tough day," he said. "You ready to go back now?"

"I guess," she admitted, and drained the last of her beer. "But it's a nice evening. Let's not take the elevator thingie back. Let's walk, huh?"

So they walked back to the Palace in the pale pink moonlight, and somehow, Irvine realised, he was still holding her hand.

* * * * * * *

__

Rinoa dreamed, one thigh crossed over Squall's, her fingers still loosely tangled in his hair.

They were in the tunnels, but she wasn't afraid. She could feel Irvine's arms firmly wrapped around her middle as he held her from behind, while Squall's back was strong and warm in front of her. He leaned back into her, his hair tickled her face; she slid her arms around his belly, teasing his neck with her warm lips. She felt so safe and secure, surrounded by hard male flesh, and she luxuriated in it, moving her body to better feel theirs; the lean muscle and sinew of Squall's back against her breasts, Irvine's erection pressing between her buttocks. 

Then they were in the conference room at Garden, and she was lying on her back on the huge table, Squall kneeling between her legs, teasing her with fingers and tongue as Irvine kissed and licked her nipples. They covered every inch of her flesh between them, but even with her eyes closed she could tell which touch belonged to which of them. She arched her back and cried out, feeling strong and beautiful, her nerve-endings brought to multi-coloured life by the pure pleasure of their skin on hers.

Then they were in the bathroom in Esthar, the showerhead raining over them. She watched Irvine and Squall as they kissed, Irvine running gunsteady hands over Squall's pale skin, nipping possessively at the soft flesh of his neck, cupping the soft curve of his ass in one hand. She approached them slowly, almost afraid to interrupt, but Squall reached out and grabbed her hand, smiling and watching her out of the corner of his eye, even as Irvine started to kiss him again. She put an arm about each of them, breathing the scent of clean, wet male bodies, and they parted enough for her to slip between them. She faced Squall, Irvine behind her again, like in the tunnel, except this time it was light, and the water cascaded over them like sunshine. Squall blinked at her through dripping bangs, his eyes bright and happy, and she could hear Irvine's sweet voice murmuring in her ear, pausing every now and then to lick and kiss her neck, to suck on her earlobe… she took Squall's wet lips with her own, as Irvine lifted her easily; she wrapped her legs around Squall's slender waist and impaled herself on him, supported by Irvine's arms and her own strong thighs. Squall threw his head back, exposing the graceful line of his throat, the water giving an ethereal glow to his skin. Rinoa leaned back against Irvine and let him support her as she writhed, reaching back to help Irvine take his pleasure..

She loved them so much, and it felt good, and right, just how it should be. She took her pleasure in their arms; everything was liquid and flowing, and the tiny drops of water that clung to her body reflected every colour of the rainbow.

* * * * * * *

They reached Irvine's door first, the one after Squall's; Frila's was the next one down the hall.

"This is it, I guess," Irvine said, still holding her hand, his eyes twinkling at her. "Can you make it on your own from here?"

"Sure," she said. But she didn't let go, either.

She gave him a little smile, and he wanted her. Gods, he wanted her.

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

~No.~

"You'd better go," he said, and he could see she'd noticed the urgency in his voice.

"Why, what's up?" she didn't look innocent, exactly, more surprised.

"Because it would be wrong," he said, "if I were to ask you in."

"Why? We could just… cuddle."

She wanted him, too, he could see it in her eyes.

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

There was a hunger in Ether's voice that Irvine hadn't felt for a long time. The battle and the cleansing had taken it's toll, of course. And there had been the mind link, with Rinoa in the tunnel… _oh, shit. The mind link._

"No. We couldn't. Believe me, we couldn't."

She raised her hand to his face, and he felt as though his skin were on fire.

"Why not? It's not the stupid age thing, is it? Because…"

__

~Want. Need. Take. ~

"Of course it fucking is, that, and Selphie, but more than that…. It would be wrong and… oh, gods…"

She was just stroking his hair, soothing him, her body pressing ever so slightly against his.

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

She felt so good.

"We could just cuddle," she insisted. "Like friends, if you want to be all moral about it. You need someone to hold."

Oh, gods, did he need someone to hold.

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

"It's not just that," he forced himself to take her hand and pull it away from his hair. 

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

~Ether, stop it.~

~Sniper. Need. Now. It hurts. Too weak. Sorceress…~

The mind link, in the tunnel. Ether couldn't heal from that by rest alone. That's why he'd faded out, after cleansing Rinoa's mind block. Irvine had forgotten.

__

~I can't. When we're inside, I'll heal you, and I'll… think of something. When we're inside. Just wait.~

~I will wait. But it hurts.~

Ether's voice retreated to a low hum. 

"I'm sorry, Hotshot."

Frila drew back from him, a faint blush on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw myself at you. Fuck." She turned away, pulling her hand from his. "Sorry. I'm such a jerk."

"No, you're not. It's not… Frila, it's me that should be sorry." 

He caught her hand again, pulled her to him, hugged her, kissing the top of her head. 

"It's not Selphie. It's not you. It's just that I couldn't trust myself."

A few seconds passed; he could feel her heartbeat strong against his chest.

"Why? You've been fighting me off for days. What makes tonight any different?"

__

Tonight my Guardian is hungry and he keeps telling me to fuck your brains out, and I'm lonelier than you could ever imagine, and you're so warm, and nice, and you smell so good…. 

"Maybe you're just wearing down my defences," he said, as lightly as he could manage.

"Really?" She looked up at him, a twinkle in her eye. "Oh good," she said, and reached on tiptoe to kiss him.

Her mouth was soft and eager, her strong, lithe little body was pressing against him, and Ether rejoiced in his head. He couldn't fight any more.

He reached behind him to open the door, and they tumbled into his room.

He kissed her hungrily, pushing her jacket over her shoulders as he somehow managed to get the two of them over by the bed. He couldn't think any more, his mind was full of Ether's voice, and his overwhelming desire, and he needed this, her, now, more than he'd needed anything in his whole life. She was so hot and willing, her hands roving eagerly over his body, sliding under his T-shirt to feel the bare flesh underneath. He rapidly unbuttoned her shirt, running his hands over her breasts and down to her belly without having the patience to deal with her bra; he moved straight to her pants and had them undone and sliding down her thighs with a squeak of leather before she'd got more than the top button of his jeans open.

He forced himself to pause, then, and look at her.

She was panting almost as hard as he was, her lips wet, slightly swollen from his rough kisses, a slight flush across her cheeks. Her eyes bored into him, vivid green and dark with desire, and her face was framed with a few damp curls that had escaped from her braid.

__

~Want.~ 

"Are you sure you want this?" he gasped. "Because if I go any further I won't be able to stop."

She looked him straight in the eyes, flicked her tongue over her moist lips.

"Yes," she said. "I want you."

That was all he needed. He pushed her back on the bed, pulling her pants and underwear over her knees and feet with one hand, undoing his own jeans with the other. 

He let himself fall forwards, his hands landing either side of her head, holding his body just above hers. His ponytail swung down over one shoulder, brushing her face.

__

~Need.~

He kissed her, knowing he was being rough, just remembering to make sure she was kissing him back. Her hands were on his waist, agonisingly soft, but pliant, willing.

He dipped his hips a little, so the head of his cock made contact with silky, wet folds. 

__

~Take.~

She cried out in surprise as he entered her, her nails digging into his flesh, and he covered her mouth with his, kissing her until she relaxed under him, moving her hands to his back, accepting his tongue into her mouth, winding hers around it.

One solitary tear ran down his nose and splashed onto her face, and his mind screamed victory at him.

* * * * * * *

Still high on good news, Quistis went back to her room after work to change for dinner. Her hair was hopeless once it had dried untended as it had that morning, but she brushed it out as best she could and tied it up again, and somehow she managed to secure it with enough grips that it stayed reasonably under control.

Fifteen minutes later she was dressed and made up, and ready to face the cafeteria again. It hadn't been an easy day, but she was feeling better. Laguna had stayed around, helping her with the work, encouraging her when she started to slip back into the darkness. He'd even made her laugh. Zell's anxious attentions hadn't seemed so irritating, she hadn't felt quite so resentful when he went to address the new cadets with Xian. For the first time in what felt like a long while, she thought that maybe, just maybe, things could be alright again.

She was just collecting her bag from behind the sofa when the door chime rang. 

She went to the door and opened it, half-expecting to see Laguna, or maybe Zell, to make sure she hadn't forgotten she was meeting them.

It wasn't Laguna, or Zell.

"Thanks for the welcome, Instructor. Fuck me, you're as white as a sheet, you know. What's wrong?" He leaned against the door frame, a smirk on his face, hands stuffed in the pockets of his black leather duster. "Seen a ghost?"

She stared, her bag dropping to the floor.

"You… what are you doing here?"

"Come on, Quisty," he grinned at her, arrogant as ever. "That's no welcome for an old student. I sent you an e-mail, you know. I was very hurt you didn't reply, though. Mind if I come in?"

Without waiting for an answer, Seifer Almasy was across the threshold and walking towards her like a nightmare, the door swishing closed behind him.


	26. Amends

__

Game characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. The rest is mine.

This chapter has been **absolutely butchered** to conform with fanfiction net's censorship policy, which is a shame, because it was all** relevant** smut. If you're old enough and not likely to be offended by (heterosexual!) sex, please go see the full NC-17 version on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ ^_^_

I'm still a review junkie, so please tell me what you like and what you don't, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk) And many thanks to my regular reviewers, who keep me going when the chapters don't come easy, and to Gwendolyn and Laura for beta-ing ;) 

__

************************************************************

****

Chapter 26 - Amends

Irvine's mind came back to him slowly. He heard her first, a sound like a whimper, then he felt her heart fluttering slightly under his. 

Then he remembered.

He pulled himself out of her easily, already soft, and rolled off the bed, tucking himself back in his jeans and doing them up. He didn't trust himself to speak, or even to look at her.

"Irvy…"

He shut his eyes tight.

__

Don't. Please, don't.

Something stirred in his mind.

~Sniper.~

~Fuck off!~ He snapped out of the junction so fast it made his head spin. He collapsed into the chair by the bed, head in his hands, and willed her not to speak.

"Irvy, are you alright?"

He fought the urge to cry, or to hit something, trying to block out her voice, the memory of her soft body under his, the fact that she was here at all, he fought all of it.

"Irvine, you're scaring me. What's the matter?"

__

Now, I'm scaring you? Now? That's almost funny. Irvine tried to breathe, the sudden loss of junction plain in suddenly-aching muscles and mind-weariness.

"Irvy, please!" He could hear the tears in her voice. He struggled with himself, for a moment, trying to get thoughts together in something that might approach coherence; sorting out the emotions that were running through him unrepressed all of a sudden.

He raised his head, and looked at her.

She was dishevelled, her naked legs curled under her, shirt undone and falling off one shoulder. Her mouth was faintly swollen from his rough kisses, a blush still visible across her throat and chest. Her eyes were wet, her lower lip quivering, just a bit.

He couldn't tell her how sorry he was. He didn't have the words to tell her how sorry he was.

She wiped her eyes impatiently with the back of her hand, fingers trembling slightly, and looked away, pulling her shirt more securely around her, doing up buttons. She reached for her pants, pushing her legs clumsily into them. 

It dawned on him that she was leaving. He didn't know whether to be relieved or completely desolate.

__

I can't let her leave like this.

He tried to speak her name, but his throat was too tight to allow him to do more than grunt. He held out his hand instead, tried to look her in the eye, tried to work out in his fuzzed brain how he could have let this happen.

She grasped his hand eagerly in both of hers, kissed his fingertips.

"It's okay," she said. "It's okay. I love you. It's okay."

__

Oh gods. What have I done? 

"It's not okay," he managed. "It's not okay at all." 

"Why?" she pleaded with him. "What have I done?"

He stared at her, incredulous.

"What?" She wrapped her fingers tightly around his hand. "Please tell me."

"Frila… I… It's not _you_, sweetheart, it's _me._"

She frowned at him. "I don't understand."

He didn't know where to start. 

"I didn't… that wasn't… it wasn't like me."

She frowned at him, confused. "In what way?" she asked, carefully.

"I don't usually… it was too …," he took in her perplexed expression, the concern in her eyes. Priorities shifted and clarified in his brain. "Did I hurt you?" he whispered.

"No," she said, with a little shake of her head. She thought for a moment, and a trace of mischief sparkled in her eyes. "Well, maybe a little," she confessed. A lopsided grin flashed across her face for an instant, reminding Irvine disconcertingly of Duck. "But it's okay."

"Okay?" he said, weakly. He choked the sense of relief that her reassurances brought, sure that he didn't deserve them. 

"Yeah. I wanted it just as much as you. It's not as if you forced me, you know. You would've stopped, if I'd asked."

__

Would I? Doubt gathered swiftly in his mind, and terrified him.

"I shouldn't have," he said, looking down again at his hand, surrounded by hers. "I really shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."

"Stop saying that," she was starting to sound more irritable than upset. "I'm not a child."

"Frila, you don't understand." _I'm supposed to be responsible. I'm supposed to be in control._

She snatched her hands back and folded her arms over her chest, her eyes bright with temper that had come out of nowhere. 

__

Better that than the tears, he thought.

"No, I don't _fucking_ understand," she said. "And it's not for want of trying, I can tell you. Gods, but I've tried. I can understand you'd feel bad because you're in love with Selphie, but that didn't stop you fucking around in a Balamb Hotel room with whoever it was. I could understand if you didn't fancy me, but if that's the case your dick sure seems to disagree. And I could understand you being scared of getting caught because I'm underage, but we're fucking miles from Garden, who's gonna know? And you _knew_, for Hyne's sake. You knew, when we were in the bar, that this was on the cards. I sure as fuck did. So what's wrong? Why the guilt? Come on, Irvine, I need a new excuse. What's it gonna be?"

He flinched, recognising uncomfortable truth in her words, knowing he was about to hurt her, and hating himself for it.

"It was Ether," he said, quietly. "It wasn't me that wanted you. It was Ether."

"What?" she slowly uncrossed her arms, hands curling into soft fists at her sides.

Irvine took a deep breath.

"I did some stuff with Ether today that completely drained him. When he uses energy for certain things he can't get it back through rest like other Guardians can. He needs… feeding."

"Feeding?" her eyes went wide with shock. "You fucked me to feed your Guardian?"

"I think… basically, yes." The guilt twisted in his gut, constricting his lungs, suffocating his thoughts; he waited for her to start hating him.

She looked at him steadily for a long minute. "I don't believe you," she said.

He sighed. How could she trust him so much? He didn't _deserve_ to be trusted that much. "If it hadn't been for Ether, I would have said no," he said. "Just like all the other times. I should have said no." _I should have been in control. _"I would have said no," he repeated.

"That's not true," she said, quietly, her temper fading. "Oh, Irvine, you are so full of shit, sometimes."

"What?" His eyes narrowed, slightly hurt and not a little surprised.

"It wasn't just Ether. You wouldn't do that."

__

Wouldn't I? "You don't know me," he said. "You don't know Ether. It can be very…"

"So you can't control your Guardian? It can make you like someone you don't like, just so you can get your rocks off and feed it?"

"Not exactly." _Can I control him? I thought I could. _

"You know, for someone who's supposed to be the Garden slut and actually _good_ at relationships, you're not doing too well with this one."

He looked up at her: she was smiling at him, albeit somewhat ruefully. 

The constriction eased a bit, his thoughts started to come back into focus.

"No," he admitted. "I guess not."

"So, what? If it wasn't for Ether you would have been able to keep your hormones under control, is that it?"

"Yes. Yes, exactly."

"So why didn't you say so? You could have just told me Ether made you horny."

"It's not that simple," he said. "And anyway, I did try to tell you no. I made it perfectly clear that we shouldn't be doing anything."

"Well, even I know we _shouldn't_ be doing anything," she grinned wickedly at him, "why do you think I want it so much?"

Now it was Irvine's turn to look shocked. 

"The point is," she continued, "you were in serious denial if you really thought you didn't _want_ to. "

"But I wouldn't have…"

"Oh, Irvine," she sighed. "Listen to me. I don't mind. I don't mind that it was Ether that pushed you over the edge. In fact I kinda owe it a favour, if you think about it." She reached out a hand and brushed his bangs back from his face. "I got what I wanted," she said. "I'm happy. Ether's happy." She ran her thumb softly over his lower lip; he'd kissed it before he realised what he was doing. "What's gonna make you happy?" She moved closer, her other hand twining in his ponytail. 

He frowned at her. "It's not about being happy. It's about what's right."

"Oh, yeah," she said, softly. "I forgot. Irvine Kinneas, the guardian of Balamb Garden morality." She slid slowly onto his lap, her lips almost touching his.

"Frila, I…" His heart was pounding in his chest as he slipped his arm around her waist to hold her, cool leather under his fingers. 

"Call me Hotshot," she whispered, "I like it when you call me Hotshot."

She kissed him slowly, languorously, sliding her tongue between his lips, fingertips touching the pulse at his throat. 

"Hotshot…"

"So, is Ether still hungry?"

"I don't know." He tried to wrestle his mind back under control. "He's not junctioned. Probably. But nothing I can't handle."

"Well," she said patiently, "why don't you junction? And," she tapped him lightly on the nose with one slender finger, "we can see if it wants dessert."

"It's not…"

"Uhuh. No," she shook her head slowly, "no more crap, Irvine. I want you. You want me. Your Guardian wants me. We've had a fuck of a day. Let's just forget all the other shit and have some fun, eh?"

Irvine felt the last of his defences crumble, as she sealed her argument with another kiss, stripping his hair of it's band at the same time. 

"I won't tell if you won't," she whispered in his ear.

It was a long time since Irvine had been seduced, but he couldn't think of another word for what was happening.

"You're a bad girl," he growled, tightening his grip around her hips as he took her lower lip between gentle teeth. 

"At last, you noticed," she murmured. "Now, junction."

Irvine rested his forehead on her shoulder, and called Ether.

__

~Sniper. You left me ~

~I was upset. You don't like me upset, remember? And I was mad at you.~  


~I was hurting. You wanted.~

~ You still hurt? Need more?~

~ Want. Need.~

Irvine paused for a moment, nuzzled Frila's ear, her hair. It was decision time.

__

~Then take.~ 

Irvine kissed her deep, and Ether sang.

* * * * * * *

"What are you doing here?"

Quistis found herself backing away from him, and stopped herself. _He can't hurt me_, she told herself. _Not any more._

Seifer smirked at her, and smoothed one hand through his hair. "I heard there might be a war. So I came to volunteer."

"Volunteer? You? You mean you're going to try again to be a SeeD, after all this time? Well, now I've heard everything."

"See, I figured it's worth a try." He leaned against the closed door, folding his arms across his chest. 

"It hasn't occurred to you that you're a little old?"

"Funny, that, in the call that went out for recruits, seems the age limit's gone way up to 25. Squally-boy must be desperate. And that leaves me plenty of time to get over the little … hiccup in my career." 

"You'll never make it, Seifer. You don't have the discipline, and no-one could trust you in battle. No-one in their right mind would pass you as SeeD."

"Well, that's mighty negative of you, Quisty. Myself, I just thought maybe I'll do better with a different Instructor. After all, my old one was demoted pretty damn fast after I failed the last time. What do you think? "

"Get out," she said, her voice low and shaking with anger. "I don't care what you think you've come back for. Just stay the fuck out of my life. There's no place for you here."

"Funny," said Seifer, not showing any signs of moving. "That's not what Cid said."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Cid and Edea were quite keen for me to have another go at the whole SeeD thing. The way they see it, you need all the help you can get. And after all, if they're willing to forgive and forget, Quisty, surely you should be able to?"

"How can you… fuck it, Seifer, after everything you did, how do you have the fucking _nerve_ to waltz in here and…"

"I'm surprised at you, Instructor. I would have thought you, of all people, would understand the importance of forgiveness."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she clenched her fists, her eyes narrowed.

"Well, after what you did, it's frankly amazing they let you stay on at all."

The memory hung in the air between them for a moment, just a moment.

She fought back the tears.

"Get out. Get the fuck out, or I'll settle this with my whip once and for all."

"Promises, promises," he sneered, but he was already turning to the door.

"Zell and Xian are in charge of training," hissed Quistis. "You can guarantee that you're not going to find it easy. If I have my way you'll be running back to FH with your tail between your legs before the war even starts, whatever Cid says."

"Well, that's a shame," any trace of humour drained from Seifer's eyes, leaving a glint of blue steel. "Because from what I've heard, you need all the gunblades you can find. And if I'm not on your side," the door opened in front of him, "you've gotta ask yourself, who's side will I be on?"

Then he was stalking down the hall, leather duster swirling round his heels, and Quistis was left alone, and shaking.

There was a bottle of elixir in her bag; she could junction Pandemonia in a moment and...

__

No.

She reached for her phone and punched Laguna's number with trembling fingers.

* * * * * * *

Irvine ran one hand along her side, teasing the warm, naked flesh, kissing her softly. She moaned, her arms draped around his neck, and pushed her hips against his. 

"Steady, Hotshot," he whispered. "We've got all night."

"But I want you…"

"You'll have me, I promise," he kissed her neck, her shoulder. "But not yet."

"But… but…"

He laughed softly. "Trust me," he said, "I know what I'm doing. And remember," he whispered. "There's no-one here but me. You can do whatever you like, say whatever you like. Don't hold it back, Hotshot."

Ether purred approvingly.

His hair fell as a curtain over her belly, and she surrendered to his tongue.

* * * * * * *

Zell sat on a log near the entrance to the training centre, and pulled his gloves off. It was nearly two in the morning. He was bone-weary, and there was already not enough of the night left to get the sleep he needed. 

He heard the crunch of footsteps behind him, knew who it was, even after all this time.

__

That's all I need.

"How's it going, chicken-wuss?"

Zell glared at him angrily, his tiredness suddenly replaced by a deep and familiar desire to beat Seifer senseless right there and then.

"If you want to be a SeeD you're gonna have to learn some respect, Almasy," he hissed. "And you can start with me."

Seifer dropped a his mostly-smoked cigarette and ground it out with his boot heel.

"I'll do that when I'm back in the uniform, Dincht, and not a moment before."

The energy drained from Zell as quickly as it had come to him; he just couldn't be bothered to fight Seifer. Not now, with everything else that was going on. There was no point.

"That'll be tomorrow morning," he said. "I spoke to Cid."

Seifer grinned, reaching for another cigarette. "You believe me now, then, eh, Chicken?"

"You're on trial, Almasy. The first sign of trouble and you'll be out of here as fast as if there was a whole herd of blue dragons after you."

"Yeah, yeah."

Zell sighed. "Why here, Seifer? Why didn't you go to Trabia with Rajiin and Fuujin? You could have made a real fresh start there. Why did you have to come back and make my life more difficult than it already is?"

Seifer lit his cigarette and considered for a moment, blowing out a long plume of blueish smoke. "It's nothing personal, Chicken," he said. "Not that it isn't lovely to see you all again. But I don't want a fresh start."

Zell frowned at him, wondering why he was even having this conversation when he could be safely tucked up in bed, and sleeping. "What d'you mean?"

"I mean," said Seifer, pulling a training gunblade from the array of weaponry near the wall, "I'm planning on picking up exactly where I left off."

A chill ran up Zell's spine.

"Only this time," Seifer tested the weapon's heft and grip, "I'm doing it right, and no-one's going to get in my way." He aimed the gunblade at a stirring grat, just over Zell's shoulder, and fired; Zell jumped, and cursed himself for it. "Not you, not Squally-boy, not the dear Instructor, not the cowboy or his hyperactive piece of skirt. No sorceresses, good or evil. I'm going to get what I want, and no-one, I repeat, no-one is going to stop me."

He took a long drag of his cigarette, holding the smoke in his lungs, eyes gleaming dangerously.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to have a little evil-guy laugh there?" asked Zell, fighting to keep his voice steady and his hands still, and wishing very hard that Squall was there to kick Seifer's ass right out of Garden.

Seifer settled for a grin, albeit not a pleasant one. "You look tired, Chicken," he said. "You need to keep your strength up, with all this being in charge you have to do. Why don't you go to beddy-bye? I'll just stay here and do some evil-killing. You won't need to worry about a thing."

Zell was shaking from the effort of restraint, without even knowing what he was restraining himself from. He couldn't fight a student. He was too tired to argue. He was nearly too tired even to care.

"I missed you, you know, Chicken." His voice was teasing, or mocking, Zell wasn't sure which. "I thought about you often. Did you miss me?"

Zell took a deep breath.

"Six thirty. Gunblade hall. Xian. Be there or you fail before you even started," he said, and stormed out of the training centre before the hot tears pricking at his eyes betrayed him.

* * * * * * * 

Frila breathed deeply, sending oxygen to contracting muscles, intensifying the pleasure that flowed through her body in waves. Her heart pounded in her chest; she licked dry lips and let herself relax for a moment.

He took his tongue away, slipped his fingers out of her, and for a moment she felt bereft.

"You okay?" he kissed his way up her body, sealed his mouth over hers; she tasted herself on his lips.

"A lot more than okay," she said, brushing back damp bangs from his face. "Fuck, you're gorgeous. Have I ever mentioned that?"

"Not as such," he smiled, flooding his violet eyes with warmth. 

"Well, you are. How's Ether?"

"Buzzing," said Irvine. "He likes you."

"That's nice to know."

"So do I."

"That's even nicer." The way her smile suddenly widened reminded him that he hadn't said that before, and that she needed to hear it.

"Have you ever used elixir?" he ran one finger idly along the underside of one breast, knowing now that it was a place that felt good to her, but wasn't too ticklish.

"You gave me some on the beach that time, after I called Oceanus," she reminded him. "But I don't really remember it. Otherwise, no. I may not be brilliant with a gunblade, but I've never managed to hurt myself that bad. Why?"

"Don't put yourself down," he planted a kiss on her breast, just above the nipple; "you're great with a gunblade. Also very sexy, with the leather and all. And I didn't mean drinking it."

"Oh." She looked happy, absorbing the compliment. "What else do you do with it?

He grinned. "Let me show you."

He dragged himself away from her to rummage briefly in his pack, beside the bed, and returned with a small vial.

"Why, Captain Kinneas," she looked at him in mock surprise, "surely you're not going to teach an innocent cadet how to misuse mission supplies, are you?"

He grinned at her. "First off, Ms Alfyrd, after…" he checked the time on the clock by the bed, "… two hours and twenty five minutes in bed with Irvine Kinneas, you are definitely no longer innocent. And secondly, this isn't Garden issue. It's mine. I have a friend in Galbadia who makes it for me with," he opened the vial with a hiss, "extra fizz."

"Fizz?" she said weakly, starting to imagine where this might be going. 

"Fizz," he affirmed, and gently poured a few drips of the multicoloured curative over her glowing skin.

"Good, huh?" he said, massaging the oil gently into her quivering flesh with one finger. "You have amazing breasts," he added, dipping his head to lick the elixir from her. 

"They feel pretty amazing, I can tell you," she murmured. She felt the desire start to rise in her again, stronger than ever. He seemed to know exactly what to do to keep her in this state of almost perpetual arousal, no sooner exhausted from one orgasm than looking for the next, while he hadn't come even once yet…

"Let me," she said, reaching out for the vial. "I want to do something for you, now."

"I'm fine," he said. "There's a few more places I want to rub this into, yet." He knelt back on his heels, hair falling over his shoulders in streaks of dark rust. His cock was as hard as ever, she'd not noticed it soften once in all the time he'd been making love to her. Pre-come glistened at the tip, and she had an almost overwhelming desire to taste it.

"No," she said, "please. I want to."

He grinned his sexy, lazy grin at her. "Alright then," he said. "But be gentle with me, huh?" he teased, and handed her the vial.

She tipped a little into her palm, gasping at the tickley fizz. "Where d'you like it?" she asked, feeling suddenly and unreasonably shy. She'd let him touch her anywhere, _everywhere_, but presented with six foot of stunningly beautiful Irvine Kinneas to play with, she didn't really know where to start.

"Wherever you like," he said, cupping her head in one broad hand and massaging the base of her skull with his thumb. "It's all good."

"Okay then." She dipped a finger into the pool of elixir in her hand, and tentatively drew a line down his chest to his belly, taking satisfaction in the quiver of his flesh. The liquid left a fading streak of rainbow colour behind, and she was suddenly inspired. She traced patterns across his chest, just to see the colours glow against his smooth, golden skin. 

"Oh, Hotshot… oh, Hyne, that's good, baby."

* * * * * * *

"Thank you," he said, and she raised her head, surprised when he pulled her up to kiss her, his tongue licking his own flavours from hers.

"If I'd known you liked it I'd have saved you some," she murmured, "but it tasted good. Hope you don't mind."

He groaned softly. "Oh, Hotshot…"

"Was that okay?" She was suddenly aware that she was aching for him; she was wet and hot and wanted badly to feel him inside of her.

"Oh yes," his voice deep and still husky with lust.

"Ether like it?"

"You bet."

"What does it feel like?" she kissed a wet line down his shoulder towards one finely-muscled arm. "Ether, I mean?"

"It's like… like this. Like you touching me, only in my mind, and it feels good, very, very good, like a purring cat, and… oh gods, Hotshot, can I fuck you now?"

She wrapped her arms around his neck, looking into the depths of his warm violet eyes.

"Yes please," she said.

He pulled her back onto the bed, so they were lying side by side, and hitched her knee up to his waist. 

"How do you do that?"

"What?" He paused, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

"Stay hard like that. You're _always_ fucking hard! And you only just came."

He grinned at her, stroking the velvety skin of her butt as he held her steady against him. "Keep on with the relaxation sessions and you might find out," he said.

She laughed. "That's enough motivation, even for me. It's not an Ether trick, then?"

"No, it's pure Kinneas," he said. "Like this." 

Ether was buzzing, no longer voraciously hungry, just lying passively in his mind, soaking up every ounce of pleasure and doubling it. 

"Okay, Hotshot?"

"Oh yeah," _Fuck, but she's picking this up quick. _"You?"

"Perfect," he whispered. And it was. He felt happier than he had for a long time, strong and peaceful and incredibly horny: his favourite feelings.

"Ether?" Her voice was ragged, she was starting to pant.

__

~Yes, Sniper. Good. Strong. You are magnificent.~

"Ether's a very happy Guardian," he brushed his lips against her hair, "thanks to you."

"Hn.." She didn't have the breath to answer him, her pleasure mounting quickly. 

"I can… feel it…" she said, her eyes flickering open to show surprise.

"Feel what, babe?"

"Ether… I can feel it… oh, gods, that's good… "

__

~Ether?~

~She can hear me. Some can.~

Like Zef, Irvine remembered. He said he could feel a Guardian, if the bond was strong. And at that moment Irvine couldn't remember a time when the link between him and Ether had felt stronger.

"Is it okay? I can unjunction, if it's making you uncomfortable?"

She shook her head, "oh, no. No, it's fine. It feels great. It's so … happy."

Irvine laughed softly. "You can say that again." He kissed her forehead. "I'm happy, too," he said.

She smiled, as her eyes drifted shut again. "And me," she whispered.

They moved together, faster now, and Irvine's mind emptied of everything but this moment, this pleasure, this soft, warm body in his arms. Then she was coming again, and the power from his junction threatened to overwhelm him altogether. He let go and buried himself deep inside her to come, crying out with the intensity of it.

The power faded, and Ether slipped to the back of his mind. 

__

~Thank you, Sniper. Release me.. You must rest now.~

Irvine lowly let the junction go, feeling suddenly tired, but not as drained as he'd expected. Just sleepy. Very, very sleepy.

"You okay, Hotshot?" He pulled out of her body and rolled onto his back, cradling her in one strong arm.

"Mmm ver' sleepy," she mumbled, snuggling into his side.

He smiled. "Thank you, " he whispered, with a kiss to her hair.

She was already asleep.

* * * * * * * 

Squall finished doing up the last of his belts, watching Rinoa slowly waking up in the soft morning sunshine. His body felt warm and sated, even if his mind was already starting to cloud with worry and responsibilities. 

"Hey," she said, blearily, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "You up already?"

"It's gone seven," he kissed her softly, tasting of toothpaste. "Time to move."

"Okay, Commander." She yawned, and dragged herself to sitting. "If you say so."

"I'm going to find Kiros, see if Odine's got anywhere with Selphie," said Squall. "I'll see you down there when you're dressed."

"Right. Hey," she pulled him back to her for another kiss, "thanks for last night. You were amazing."

Squall gave her a little smile, and blushed slightly. "So were you," he said. 

"Tell me again why we waited two years before we started fucking like bunnies?" she asked, getting out of bed and brushing her naked body sensuously against his leather-clad one on her way to snag a towel from the radiator.

"Because I had a stupid mind block," he said. "Although I don't know why that stopped you."

"What?" She wrapped the towel around herself, pushing her tangled hair back from her face.

"The mind block I had, like the one you had yesterday. That's what it stopped me."

"From being with me?" she stared at him incredulously.

"Pretty much."

"For two years?"

"Yes. Well, I didn't know it was a mind block, for all of that time. I just thought I was confused."

She laughed. "Well, you've always been confused," she said. "Doesn't it strike you as weird, though? I mean, I can understand why Chet blocked my magic. Why would anyone block you from wanting to be with me?"

"I don't know. I don't even know who put it there," said Squall. "Irvine said it was like a remnant from a spell. I guess it was an accident, probably from Ultimecia. There was so much magic flying around then. I'm just glad Irvine spotted it when he did." Squall shuddered; he'd been trying very hard not to think about this, he realised. He wasn't sure whether to be angry at the wasted time, or anxious as to who or what had messed with his mind, and neither emotion would help him get through another day of leadership. 

"But.."

"I don't have time to worry about it now, Rinoa. It's gone, that's the important thing." He kissed her forehead, resisting a strong temptation to whip her towel off and drag her down onto the bed. 

"Okay." She gave him a little wave as he left their room, and then headed for the bathroom, her body still flushed with the remembrance of cool leather against her flushed skin, of brooding blue-grey eyes under soft dark bangs.

She turned the shower to cold, and stepped under it's icy flow with clenched teeth.

* * * * * * * *

Irvine rested his head on Frila's shoulder, grinning broadly and listening to her gasping for breath.

"You really do need to work on your breath control, Ms Alfyrd," he said, "I keep telling you, breath deeply, but you won't listen…"

"It's hard to… concentrate… on.. breathing…" she panted, "when you're… fucking me into.. the fucking _wall._"

"Would it be easier if I fucked you on the floor?"

"Shut up. Just fuck me."

Irvine was only too happy to oblige. He hitched her legs higher around his waist, pushing the neck of her T-shirt to one side and clamping his lips on the soft flesh, sucking hard.

"Fucking vampire…" she muttered, but he felt her body respond in approval.

The door chime went.

Too late to stop, he kissed her to muffle their voices as they came. 

The door chime rang again.

He took a moment, waiting for his mind to come back through the haze of lust. 

"Who is it?" he called, as soon as he could find a reasonably steady voice. Frila was giggling helplessly into his shoulder.

"It's Rin. You okay? I thought I heard banging."

Irvine bit his lip to suppress his laughter, and gently lowered Frila to the floor. He watched her scrambling into her leathers, still giggling softly as he stuffed his still throbbing cock painfully back into his jeans.

"Oh, hey, Rin, I…"

The door slid open just as Frila finally got her pants done up. 

"Morning, Irvy, I was… oh. Hello, Frila."

Rinoa took a long look at her, taking in her flushed face, her loose, dishevelled hair and the fact that she seemed more than a little out of breath.

"Rinoa. Hi. We were just…"

"Relaxation," said Irvine, smoothly. "She's having a lot of trouble controlling her breathing, Squall wanted me to work on it. Is it time to see Odine?" 

Rinoa gave him a searching look, but he wouldn't meet her eye, turning away to the mirror to straighten his ponytail.

"Yes," she said. "Just thought I'd see if you were ready."

"Sure," he said. "You coming, Hotshot?"

Frila nodded, biting her lower lip to keep from laughing.

"Where's Squall?" asked Irvine, as they followed Rinoa down the corridor.

"He's gone ahead," she said. "I think he wanted to talk to Kiros first. You know how unintelligible Odine can be."

"Oh, gods, yes. I can't usually understand a word he says." 

Irvine fell silent after that. The adrenaline was fading, and the world he'd so successfully escaped in Frila's arms last night was starting to crowd in on him again. 

"It'll be okay, Irvine," Rinoa said, noticing his pensive expression. "This is Selphie we're talking about. She'll bounce right back, you'll see."

Irvine flashed her a grateful look, and hoped she was right.

* * * * * * *

There was no sign of Odine when they reached the meeting room, much to Irvine's relief. For all that he was buzzing with Ether's power, he still didn't think he could cope with the manic scientist's ramblings just yet. Kiros sat next to Squall, explaining things in his clear, quiet voice, pouring them coffee as he spoke.

"Odine thinks Chet tampered with Selphie's mind," he said. "Probably in the same way as he did with Xu's."

Irvine suddenly recalled what he'd found in Xu's mind: the repulsive, black writhing echo of Bane; his fists clenched.

"She'll almost certainly have a mind block," Kiros continued. "Probably more than one, and that'll stop her fighting whatever Bane's left inside her head. Would you agree, Irvine?"

Irvine nodded. "That's the way it seems to work," he said.

"Right," said Squall. "So the first thing is to get rid of the mind block. Then maybe we can get her to tell us what happened."

"That could be difficult," said Irvine.

"Why?" asked Squall. "You've got rid of all the others. I'm sure you can do this."

"All the others were willing," said Irvine. "Even Xu, in the end. I can't go into an unwilling mind, and Selphie won't let me anywhere near her."

"Won't it work?" asked Kiros. "Doesn't Ether have the power, if it's not a willing invasion?"

"I've never tried," said Irvine, coldly.

"Irvine," Rinoa said, softly, "it might be Selphie's only chance. You know she would let you, if she was in her right mind."

"But she isn't. I can't… there has to be another way. Ask Odine to do some research, maybe…"

"Fuck it, Irvine, I don't have _time_!" Squall stood up abruptly, glaring desperation at Irvine across the table. "I'm sorry, I know how you feel about this, but I don't have a choice. There have been reports of skirmishes the last few nights near the Dian caves in Centra. We can't put this off much longer, we need to find out what Chet's doing, and Selphie _must_ know something."

There was silence for a moment, before Irvine spoke, with tears in his eyes.

"I can't," he said. "I just can't hurt her like that."

"Don't make me do this," said Squall, ice and entreaty both in his voice.

Irvine's steady violet gaze locked with Squall's.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I refuse."

The air grew heavy; Kiros, Frila and Rinoa watched the two men, perfectly still.

"You can't refuse," said Squall, with finality. "It's an order, Kinneas."

Irvine blinked.

"I'll meet you in Selphie's room in ten minutes," Squall continued, already turning to leave.

"You bastard," whispered Irvine.

Squall paused at the door.

"If I have to be," he said. 

And with a swish of the doors, he was gone.

* * * * * * *


	27. Undone

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This is **a bit mangled ** in places to conform with fan fiction net's censorship policy. The full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended is on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ ^_^_

Please tell me what you think of it, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

__

************************************************************

****

Chapter 27 - Undone

Irvine stared at the closed doors where Squall had just left. His throat was tight, he could hardly breathe, and he started when Rinoa touched his fisted hand.

"Let me talk to him. He can't be serious." Her eyes were full of concern, and perhaps a little anger. "He's just frustrated that we can't do anything."

"Is it really so terrible?" came Kiros' steady voice. "Is it not like healing her?"

Irvine shook his head. "No," he mumbled. "It's not like that at all. She'd have to surrender her mind to me, I'd have to force her to. It's like…"

__

Rape. 

Squall should know that. Of all people, Squall should understand.

"Will it hurt her?" asked Frila. 

"Yes," said Irvine. "If she doesn't trust me, she'll try to resist, and if I have to find my way through her mind when it's closed... It'll be like Risha, only a hundred times worse, and I can't…" suddenly the dam broke and his shoulders started to heave with huge, gut-wrenching sobs. "I. Can't. Hurt. Elph. I can't…"

Rinoa stood on one side of him, Frila the other; Rin put her arm around his shoulder and Frila started to do the same. Only at the last minute did she snatch her hand back and turn instead to the water jug in the middle of the desk, fighting back her own tears.

"Then let me talk to him," said Rinoa. "He mustn't realise…"

"He does, Rin," choked Irvine. "He ~_knows_."

"It's his only choice," said Kiros. "We need to know what Chet and the Dia are doing."

"Couldn't you talk to Odine?" asked Rinoa, scrabbling wildly for some kind of solution. "Couldn't he find a way of sedating her or…"

Kiros shook his head sadly.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" Irvine took the glass of water Frila passed him gratefully, and drank it all down in one as if it were a shot of Trabian brandy. "He gave me an order."

"Maybe he didn't mean it," said Frila, hopelessly.

"He doesn't give orders he doesn't mean."

"But… what about that time you choked," she said, "in the clock tower. You said he understood, then, he helped you…"

"Oh yeah," Irvine laughed, a little bitterly. "He did a real good job of helping me try to assassinate the only mother I ever knew. Like he ordered me to kill half the friends I knew from Galbadia. He's just brilliant at making me hurt the people I love."

"He'd do it himself, if he could," said Rinoa softly. "He's not enjoying this, you know."

"No?" Irvine's eyes flashed purple at her, and she slowly withdrew her arm.

"Do what you think is right," she said.

Irvine looked around the table, at Rinoa, avoiding eye contact now, her loyalties clearly divided; at Frila, staring at the water jug and fighting back tears that seemed suddenly childish and unhelpful; at Kiros, who at least would meet his gaze, and with some sympathy. But no solutions.

None of them could understand. None of them could give him a way out. None of them knew what Squall was asking him to do. 

__

~Ether?~

~Sniper.~

~You understand what Leonhart has asked of us?~

~Yes~

~Can we do it without her permission? If she struggles?~

~It will hurt Spirit. It will hurt us.~

~Is there anything we can do to make it better?~

~No.~

Without another word, Irvine took himself off to carry out his orders.

* * * * * * *

She lay there, pale and vulnerable, still hooked up to a drip. She was awake, and seemed able to tolerate Squall's presence, at least. He was sitting next to the bed, looking at her hand as if he might like to hold it, but didn't dare. Irvine pressed his nose against the glass, willing her to look at him, to smile at him, to be his Selphie again.

She stared resolutely at the ceiling, eyes open but dull, silent.

Irvine quietly opened the door, and entered the room. He ignored Squall, going round to the other side of the bed.

"Selphie?"

She looked up at him and screamed with a voice raw from screaming too much. And kept screaming. 

__

Oh gods. 

"Selphie, it's me, Irvine, I'm not gonna hurt you, babe. Please."

She tossed her head from side to side, eyes squeezed shut, screaming and screaming and screaming... Then Odine's staff were there, bustling about... The first time Irvine noticed the leather restraints on the bed were as they started to buckle them around her flailing limbs.

"Oh no," he whispered. "Oh, please, no."

They were strapping her down so he could…

He could feel Squall's eyes on him, ice-cold and penetrating, but he refused to return his gaze. 

__

Tell me I don't have to do this, Squall. I'm your weapon, your sniper, your assassin. It's your choice. But I'm your friend. She's your friend. Don't make me do this.

"Now, Irvine." His voice was steel through and through. 

It had gone quiet all of a sudden; he realised they'd gagged her. 

She struggled still, her liquid green eyes full of fear and loathing.

"Selphie, please believe me. I don't want to hurt you." He sat on the bed, slowly moving his hands towards hers, tears streaming down his cheeks. "If you're in there, 'Elph, it's me, Irvine. I love you more than my own life, I don't want to hurt you."

She was rubbing her wrists raw against the restraints, trying to escape the inevitable touch of his fingers to hers.

Squall clamped his hands over her forearms, forcing her still.

Irvine surrounded her tight little fists with his long fingers, stroking her skin gently, forcing himself to look into her eyes and face the terror he knew he'd find there.

"Just be brave, Selphie," whispered Irvine, "please be brave…"

__

~Ether. Cleanse.~

There was a pause, and Irvine suddenly thought Ether was going to refuse. But it didn't. He felt the rush, and then all at once he was inside Selphie's mind.

It was dark. Completely and utterly dark, so he couldn't see anything, visualise anything… there was texture, inky charcoal waffle-velvet, and sound, oh gods, sound; she was humming, softly, one of a million little Selphie nonsense tunes that he often found stuck in his own head. The normally happy song sounded wistful, eerie in the dark of her mind.

__

~Ether? What is this?~

~Spirit's mind is closed.~

~She's trying to protect herself?~

~Her mind is closed.~  


~Can we open it?~

~Yes. You must look for a weakness.~

Irvine felt about in the dark, without the slightest idea what he was looking for. Then it was as if his fingers came across a swathe of fabric; a curtain… he pulled and a chink of light streamed out, pulled again, and the stage of Selphie's mind was suddenly and gruesomely revealed to him.

He heard her scream, once, in her mind, and then the humming got louder. He concentrated on it, trying to distract himself from the sight before him as his stomach threatened to rebel and his own mind recoiled. 

Everything about it was wrong. There were pictures, scenes like he'd seen in other minds; memories, thoughts, feelings. But every one, every, single one of them was tainted, corrupted. The blackness oozed obscenely, twisting and writhing through every part of her. He could feel her own revulsion, could see how she was repulsed by it, but she had nowhere to go, it was everywhere. Everywhere.

The pain caught him by surprise; an electric jolt straight to his brain, a searing, white-hot stab of agony straight from her mind to his. 

She was repulsed by his presence more, even, than the black, twisting evil that contorted her mind.

__

~Selphie, it's okay. I'm here to help. Please trust me…~

Her fear fell on him like a mountain, squashing any hope he had, burying him in her despair and hatred.

__

~Ether~

~The walls. Find the walls, Sniper.~

He'd never found Ether's voice more reassuring, more comforting than at that moment. He tried as best he could to block out her terror and outrage, and forced himself to look. 

He found them, eventually. There were many walls, and they formed a maze, with something bright at the centre, sparkling, on a pedestal.

Irvine started to dismantle the ink-black wall as fast as he could, trying to block out the screams. He scrabbled around for the tune she was humming and joined her, singing with her, trying to strengthen whatever little bit of Selphie still remained.

It seemed to take forever, the wall went on and on for so long he wondered briefly if it was rebuilding itself as fast as he took it down. Usually there was help, like Rinoa, or at least passivity, like Squall or even Xu. He knew Selphie was fighting him. For whatever reason, she didn't want this wall to come down. There were some parts that were different, not quite so dark, not quite so solid, and those she protected most fiercely of all.

Finally he reached the centre, aware of the blackness swarming about him, threatening to engulf the pedestal and it's shining prize. There was no more wall. But still she fought.

__

~What's that?~

~A dream. A wish. A hope.~

~Selphie's?~

~I cannot tell.~

~Is it hurting her?~

~No.~

~Selphie?~

~Get out of my head, you bastard. Traitor. I won't give you anything. I won't.~

~Ether, she's still… is the wall gone? Why isn't she coming round?~

~Spirit has seen that which she did not wish to see.~

Irvine knew this, he realised. He'd known since he first laid eyes on her in her cell. The fear and loathing were exactly like Risha's, only more so, so very, very much more…

__

~Can we save her? Please Ether, we must save her.~

~Leave me alone. I don't want to be saved. Just fuck off out of my head.~  


~Ether, we have to get rid of that… that which we do not wish to see. We must. There has to be a way. You know Bane now. You've fought it. There must be a way.~

~ There will be a price. It will hurt. You will have to restore me. ~  


~I know… but there is a way? You can get rid of it?~

~I can reduce it.~

~Get out of my HEAD!~

~Now, Ether. Whatever you have to do, do it. Please!~

Irvine felt a sudden surge of Ether's power, more subtle than he'd expected at first, then growing like a tidal wave to engulf Selphie's mind. Not knowing what else to do, Irvine kept humming, convincing himself she was still humming with him, even though he couldn't hear anything but the roar of his Guardian's power in his ears. Then there was something violent, like the clash of sword to sword, and for a moment everything went blank.

When he came back to himself, her mind was still.

Unnaturally still, nothing like the quicksilver he would expect from Selphie. Not peaceful-still. Shocked. Numb. Silent. Still like death.

__

~Ether?~

His Guardian's voice was a mere whisper. _~Withdraw, Sniper. Hurt.~_

~Leave me.~ Selphie's voice. Cold. Hard.

Irvine slowly withdrew from Selphie's mind, only realising at the last minute that the black terror of Bane's echo was nowhere to be seen.

"Irvine… are you okay?"

Squall's voice. Distant, warm. Caring.

Irvine opened his eyes, feeling Ether fade from junction, unconscious. He looked at Selphie, her face wet with tears. He took the gag from her mouth with trembling fingers, even that simple movement exhausting him.

She didn't scream. She just looked at him, calm hatred in her eyes.

"Irvine." Squall's voice again. "Did it work?"

Irvine slowly turned to look at him. "If you mean did I take down the mind block," he pulled himself wearily to his feet, "then yes. I did. And Bane's echo. It took Ether down, though." Squall's eyes were anxious; but whether at his, Ether's or Selphie's well being, or her ability to answer questions, Irvine wasn't sure at that moment. "I hope you're happy," he added, bitterly.

"I had to give the order," said Squall. "I had no choice."

There was a pause. Irvine was dimly aware of Rinoa and Frila, watching through the glass. He looked into Squall's eyes, and couldn't see any remorse. Just the brittle grey of command.

"Fuck you, Leonhart," he growled.

He got unsteadily to his feet and left the room without looking back.

* * * * * * * 

Frila watched Irvine stalk down the corridor, itching to go after him, to hold him, to comfort him, but unable to think of an excuse so to do. She looked anxiously at Rinoa. 

"What happened?" she said. "Is it usually like that?"

"No," said Rinoa, quietly. "I don't think so. It looked like… I think he said he lost Ether."

"Lost? As in killed?" gasped Frila, shocked. 

"Oh, no, I doubt it," said Rinoa. "More likely just knocked out. Look, there's not much you can do here. Why don't you go back to your room and wait 'til Squall contacts you? I need to go talk to him and…"

"Yeah, of course," said Frila, "no problem."

She gave Rinoa a salute, feeling instantly foolish, and left at what she hoped appeared to be a casual pace. As soon as she turned the corner she broke into a run, catching up with Irvine just as he disappeared into his room.

She heard the lock engaging just as she was about to press the door open button.

"Irvine, it's me, Frila. Let me in?"

"Go away, Hotshot. I need to be alone."

There was a finality to his voice she'd never heard before.

"Irvine?"

Silence.

Fighting back tears, Frila dragged herself back to her own room.

And waited.

* * * * * * *

"Why do you let him get to you so much?"

Quistis stirred her coffee with a shrug of her shoulders that was less nonchalant than she would have liked. 

"Oh, he doesn't, really."

"So why exactly are we having lunch here in your office instead of in the cafeteria?"

She gave him a rueful grin. "You saw through that little ploy then, huh?"

He smiled at her. "Yeah," he said. "So, what is it? How has he got you hiding from him less than twenty four hours after setting foot in Garden?"

"I don't know," she said. "He just winds me up, and I don't need that right now. So I figure it's best to let him get on with it. He just makes me so mad at him that I can't be in the same room as him without there being a fight."

"Which is exactly what he wants," Laguna pointed out. 

"I guess. He's the same with Squall. Seifer just knows which of his buttons to press… Have you spoken to Squall again since this morning?"

Laguna smiled at the way she'd neatly diverted the topic away from herself. Again. 

"Yes," he said. "He reported in just after you asked me to lunch. Selphie's stable, taking curatives now. The mind block's gone, or so they think. But she still won't say anything."

"Oh," said Quistis, quietly. "I thought maybe…"

"Yeah, I think Squall did, too. Odine thinks it might be shock, or possibly that Ether did some kind of damage, or maybe whatever Chet did left some kind of permanent damage. They don't know."

"What does Irvine think?"

"He didn't say."

Quistis raised an eyebrow; Laguna nodded. "I know. There's something wrong there, but I couldn't say what."

"It must be hard, for Irvine," she murmured. "It's hard for all of us, but Irvine…"

"Yeah," said Laguna. "And for you."

"Me?"

"You think you could have done more to help her." He captured her gaze with his, expecting her to wriggle off into denial. 

"I ~_know_ I could have," she said. "I was supposed to be in charge of that mission, and I didn't command it at all. We…" she took a deep breath, her eyes flickered down to the teaspoon she was turning over between delicate, tapered fingers. "I broke a lot of rules. It was Zell's birthday and we stayed up drinking to celebrate. We hardly got any sleep. We went into the field well under par. Selphie had been hyper from the moment we got there and I didn't reprimand her, or make any real effort to calm her down. It was Rinoa's first mission, but I didn't give her any other briefing, any advice. I didn't care much about either of them, Laguna, I really didn't. I was completely wrapped up in me, the fact that I was back in the field at last, that Squall had given me a chance, that I was getting away from the paperwork…"

"Everyone makes mistakes, Quistis."

"Squall doesn't. I didn't, at one time. I certainly shouldn't have made that many."

"But even if you'd been perfect, even if you'd all been completely rested and focused, what difference would it have made, really?"

She thought for a moment, watching her coffee grow cold, wrinkled skin forming on top.

"They would have followed orders," she said, quietly, raising her liquid blue eyes. "They would have retreated as soon as they'd been discovered. They wouldn't have gone into the room where… whatever it was happened."

Laguna's eyes widened. "You mean they disobeyed…"

Quistis nodded slowly. "Selphie went right on in, and Rinoa didn't seem to think." She shook her head. "I don't think they even thought of the orders. They were acting on 100 per cent initiative, and I'd been told clearly by Xu that we had to go by the letter of command, retreat at the first sight of anything unusual… I can't help but think, if Squall had been in charge, they wouldn't have dared… they didn't have enough respect for me, Laguna, to take notice of what I'd said, when I warned them. They thought they knew better. And they didn't."

"That's their fault, surely," Laguna gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "Not yours. They've worked with you for years, they should…"

"No, they haven't. Not for a long time. Besides, I hadn't earned their respect. Not the way I behaved the night before."

"What did you do?" Laguna couldn't hide his curiosity; then with slight repentance as she blushed, "not that you have to tell me."

"No, it's okay." She pushed her cold coffee to one side, and raised her eyes to his to confess. "I got drunk. So drunk they had to heal me."

Laguna stifled a laugh. "Is that all?"

Quistis frowned. "It's quite enough," she said, sternly.

"You're too hard on yourself," he said, aware that it was becoming a mantra in their conversations. "If I beat myself up every time I'd got drunk when I was in charge of our squad in the army… what harm did you do? Really? They wouldn't have thought worse of you for that, surely?"

"I don't know." She lowered her gaze back to the desk, brushing tiny crumbs into a pile. "I know I told them things… I can't even remember what I did, really. But they thought it was very funny. I heard them laughing at me, after I left…"

"Poor Quistis. That's not kind. But I'm sure you couldn't have…"

"I just wish I wasn't so fucking irresponsible…"

Laguna stared at her in disbelief. "Quistis, you can't believe…"

"Yeah, I know, everyone thinks I'm all organised and sensible and… but… I've cocked up so badly. Like the whole instructor thing… Whenever I get a chance, I just seem to throw it away…"

"Listen to me," he took her hand again, waited until she looked at him. "Everyone makes mistakes. You're only human. You're damn good at your job and Squall thinks the world of you. He's entrusted the whole of Garden to you, including keeping an eye on me. He could have chosen anyone, but he chose you."

"He doesn't know, about me getting drunk. I didn't tell him, and I'm sure Rinoa wouldn't have…"

"It doesn't matter. Surely my son isn't so up his own arse he'd think badly of you for cutting loose once in a while?"

Quistis nibbled anxiously on her lower lip. _Yes, actually, he is. He's not as laid back as you, not by a long way. He believes in duty first, above all else, even his own happiness. He expects of us what he expects of himself, and sometimes, just sometimes, it's too damn much to ask._

"He might see it differently," she said, diplomatically. "In the light of what happened."

"Then he need never know," said Laguna. "It'll be our secret. And Selphie and Rinoa's. The point is, I still don't think it would have made a difference, and if it did… well, it's water under the bridge now."

"Well…"

"You know I'm right. Come on. Let's get this lot cleared away and you can try to explain to me why we need to talk to Martine again this afternoon, and how exactly we might do it without killing him."

Quistis laughed. "Thank you," she said. "You're so good to me."

He just smiled.

* * * * * * *

"What did he do to you? If you don't tell us we can't help you."

"Squall, take it easy," Rinoa said, but he didn't seem to take any notice.

"I haven't got time, Selphie, you must tell us. Do you have any idea what he's planning?"

She remained silent, staring at the ceiling, her eyes full of fear and loathing, still. Rinoa watched Squall carefully, uncomfortable with his persistence. 

"Squall…" she said, softly.

Squall ignored her, leaning across to put himself between Selphie and her veiw of the ceiling. "Selphie, please…"

"Squall, can I talk to you outside for a minute?" 

Squall turned to her, exasperated, his eyes flashing silver. "What, Rinoa? What do you want?"

Her expression hardened. "Outside. Now."

"This had better be important," Squall said, coldly, but he followed her from Selphie's room to the corridor outside. 

"You're being too hard on her," Rinoa said, her voice trembling with anger. "Had it occurred to you that she might not be ~_able_ to tell you anything?"

"Of course I have. But I have to try, Rin. Fuck it, I'm not enjoying this, you know. But I need to know as much as I can, and Selphie's the only one who can help." Squall's voice was cold, impatient. "Was that all you had to say?"

"She'll tell you when she's ready," Rinoa said. "You have to give her time. You've been on at her ever since this morning, on and off."

"I have to keep asking," said Squall. "I'm only asking. She has to understand how important it is."

"She's not _right_, for fuck's sake! Can't you see that?" Rinoa yelled at him. "She's been to hell and back, and you just keep on and on… you're just as bad as…" She stopped herself, trying to keep her fury under some kind of control. 

"As bad as what? Come on, Rinoa, spit it out. I have to get back to work."

Something inside her shattered at the arrogance in his voice, something she hadn't heard for a long, long time. "You're torturing her, just like they must have done," she said, slowly. "Selphie would do -has done- anything, everything for you. She's been willing to die for you. If she could tell you anything, she would. Something's stopping her, and it's making her hurt. Look at her, Squall! Just fucking look at her! She's frightened witless! And she's your _friend_!"

There was a pause, as if Squall wanted to be sure Rinoa had finished.

"For the last time," he said, his voice wrapped in ice, "I. don't. have. a. choice. This is just making it harder." 

"You could talk to Irvine. He knows Selphie better than anyone."

"He won't… I can't. He's being obstinate and stupid and…"

"He's more loyal than you deserve. You can't blame him for being pissed off. It cost him so much to help you this morning…"

"I know," said Squall. "I'm grateful. But I have to do what I have to do, and he's not… helping."

"Did it occur to you that he might not be helping because it's not the right thing to do?" 

Squall looked through the glass at Selphie, still lying on her back, gazing at the ceiling, silent, frightened, small, fragile.

"It's the _only_ thing I can do," he said. "If we don't find out what's going on, we could all end up like that."

"I beat Chet," Rinoa reminded him. "I could have killed him, if you'd let me follow…"

"I don't mean Chet," hissed Squall, "I mean the Dia. Have you all forgotten what our mission is? It's nothing to do with Chet, or Bane. The world is under threat of fucking _war_! And it's my duty to stop it. Or to make sure we have the advantage if we have to fight."

Rinoa backed away a step, taken aback for a moment. He was right. She had forgotten. She'd been so wrapped up in Selphie's rescue and what that bastard Chet had done…

"What makes you think Selphie knows anything about the Dia? It was Chet who kidnapped her."

"I don't," said Squall. "But I think she knows about the crystals. And if she does, that could just get us back the time Xu lost us."

"Then wait. Just a few hours. Just til tomorrow. Give her time to heal. Please, Squall."

"I can't, Rin." He looked away, reached for the door handle to go back into Selphie's room.

"For me, Squall. Please, for me."

His hand froze on the cold metal of the door; he didn't look at her. 

"Don't," he said. "This is nothing to do with you. Go back to your quarters. This is up to me."

"Squall! You can't… Squall, if I mean anything to you…"

"Just… don't. You didn't want any special treatment. I'm not giving you any. Go back to your quarters, Rinoa. That's an…"

She'd already gone.

* * * * * * *

Frila sat on her bed, pad balanced on her knees, drawing delicate lines on the rich, thick paper. Endless blue and gold; the beach at Balamb. The light flicking over spring waves, the day she found Oceanus. The day she knew she'd remember forever.

Her eyes flickered restlessly to the clock; it was getting late, nearly midnight. She would have to give up on him ever seeking her out soon, and then there was a decision to make. If she went to him, again, he might not turn her away. He must have cooled off by now. He'd invite her in, with his sad, lazy smile, and be nice to her. She could probably talk her way back into his bed.

Again.

Her body responded instantly to the memory of last night, his gentleness, his skill, the warmth of his body. The power of Ether's joy at their passion, the way it consumed her love, deep and warm and nourishing.

She knew he didn't love her back. It hadn't mattered, last night; he'd wanted her, needed her, and that was enough. But now…

She bit her lip to keep the tears away. She'd known all along what she was doing. She'd chosen this path, she had only herself to blame. It wouldn't last forever, she knew, however fast she chased after him. One day he'd say no and mean it. Maybe he already had.

She'd always known that. But…

She hadn't let anyone get to her like this. Not since…

She returned to her drawing, shaking the memories impatiently out of her head. 

* * * * * * *

Rinoa dreamed, her body still tense with anger, twitching in her sleep.

__

She was in Ultimecia's throne, the power of all the world at her command, and Squall knelt at her feet, cowering and naked. Seifer was by her side, her Knight, tormenting Squall's thin, frail form with the very tip of his gunblade, tracing his name in blood across the pale skin of his rival's back.

She laughed.

Squall looked up at her, soft grey eyes brimming with glassy tears, as Seifer stood behind him, pushed him onto all fours, and cast his gunblade aside. There was a clank as Seifer's belt joined Hyperion on the cold stone, the wrench of his zipper as he undid his pants and reached inside.

"No," whispered Squall, "I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to… I had no choice, please don't, I…"

"You killed him," said Rinoa. "You're nothing but a coward. A toy for my Knight." She smiled at Seifer, meeting the brilliant blue of his eyes with hers.

"I'm sorry," whimpered Squall. "I only did what I had to, I didn't want to, I…"

She kept her gaze on Seifer.

"Take him," she said.

Then she was drifting in space, and she knew, beyond certainty, that she was going to die. She was small, and frightened, and weak. She knew this. She hated it. She wanted nothing more than to be brave, to be Squall's equal, not his helpless princess, but she didn't know how…

And now she was going to die, an empty, meaningless death, and he'd never know. 

Her father had liked her helpless. He'd missed her mother so much, he'd just wanted her to stay his little girl, forever… 

If she'd been different, Squall might have been able to save her. If she hadn't depended on him so totally, if she hadn't been so weak and stupid, if she hadn't let her feelings for him overpower everything else…

She closed her eyes, and prepared herself for the her life to be laid waste.

When she opened them she was at the orphanage, the rebuilt orphanage, or maybe the orphanage in the past. She wandered rooms, empty of people but with all the echoes of habitation; beds neatly made, toys tidied away, books straight on little bookshelves. She heard a sound, a sigh, coming from the boys' room, and she went to investigate. 

Her heart melted as she saw Irvine and Squall, curled up in bed, strong arms wrapped protectively around each others' bodies, radiating warmth and happiness. Her boys. Her love and her joy. Together.

She thought about joining them, but something stopped her… she watched them kiss, tenderly, and yearned to be with them, but something was in the way.

It suddenly occurred to her that something was wrong. Squall raised his head, and he had a gunblade in his hand. 

Hyperion. Not Lionheart. Hyperion. Why?

She should take the blade away from him. She should…

She screamed as Squall plunged Seifer's blade into Irvine's heart, twisting, howling hatred and revenge. Irvine looked up at him, violet eyes brimming with pain and hurt and betrayal, his blood drenching them both, running from his body to the bed in a river.

The blood took away the pain and the hurt and the life, and Irvine's eyes were still.

Squall looked up at her in confusion, Hyperion clattering to the floor.

"What have I done?" he begged her. "I thought… it wasn't… I… Rinoa, help me!" His eyes were full of horror, and a grief so awful it consumed him.

"It's too late," she said.

And she turned and walked away.

* * * * * * * 

Irvine woke with a start, his heart pounding. 

A dream. Just a dream. Only a dream. 

He was alive. Squall may have pissed him off to hell and back, but he hadn't killed him.

He gulped air into his lungs, dragging himself to sitting. 

Gradually, his mind started to clear, although the memory of his nightmare was slow in receding. He was suddenly, sharply aware of how alone he was, and instinctively reached in his mind to junction Ether.

__

~Sniper?~

Ether's voice was distant and weak. Irvine could feel an ache in it, a deep, wretched need that pulled at his heart. 

__

~Ether? Are you alright?~

~I hurt.~

~I'm sorry, Ether. What do you need?~

~You must restore me.~

Irvine considered his empty bed, the chill of loneliness in his heart. He remembered Frila's laughter, how the sun lit the bright copper of her hair, her soft, willing body. 

__

~Like last night? You want more like that?~

~Child is waiting. Want. Need. Take.~

Irvine felt a shudder run down his spine. _Child. _

But he wanted her. And not just for Ether.

__

~Want. Need…~ Ether's voice was getting fainter; Irvine realised the junction was starting to fade; he felt a sudden panic grab hold of him at the thought that he might have left it too late, too sucked into his own misery over Selphie and Squall to take care of his Guardian. 

__

~It's okay. Hang on in there. I'll go.~

Irvine sprang out of bed and pulled on his jeans, pausing only to gulp down the contents of a dark green vial he'd put ready, grimacing at the taste. He felt Ether strengthen, just a little, and the junction felt viable again. Just.

Irvine stuffed a couple more vials in his pockets, and set off to find Frila, hoping he wasn't too late.

* * * * * * * 

Squall woke suddenly, with a jolt that sent a swift, searing pain through his neck. He'd fallen asleep slumped against the wall of Selphie's room, he realised, his head slumped painfully to one side, cricking his neck.

He stood up slowly, stretching his aching neck from side to side and digging strong fingers in to the tender muscles around his collarbone. The left over torment from his dreams brought hot tears to his eyes; he rubbed them away with the sleep and tried to focus on the present, wakeful world. 

Selphie was still awake, still staring at the ceiling; completely, unnaturally still. The sight of her wrenched at his heart, brought the feelings of guilt, grief and frustration rushing back to him all at once.

He crossed slowly to her bedside, catching sight of the clock at the same time. It was two in the morning. It had been nearly eighteen hours since Irvine had removed the mind block, and still, nothing. 

Could they really have lost her? Forever?

Had he really failed?

They'd taken the drip off now, and her bruises were almost all gone. Her body was healing itself rapidly, responding to the familiar infusion of magic and medicine with all the robustness and energy they associated with Selphie herself. Squall felt a sudden urge to call Irvine and Rinoa, to drag them here and show them, _look, look, she's okay, see, she's getting better, she'll be alright, she'll be fine, I haven't hurt her. I haven't hurt her._

Have I?

There was the slightest movement, her head tilted just a little, her eyes flickered towards him.

"Selphie?" his voice cracked, hoarse from sleeping and worry.

Her dry lips parted; she ran the tip of her tongue over them, slowly. "Squall?" 

"Selphie, are you…"

"You should have left me to die."

Squall just stared at her, his hopes dashed as fast as they'd risen.

"I want to die."

He didn't know what to say. He wished with all his heart that Rinoa was there, or Irvine… Irvine…

"Why didn't you let me die?"

He knew the answer to that, at least. "We need you, Selphie." _No, you dickhead, not that. The real reason._ "We love you," he said, more softly. 

"If you loved me, you'd let me die."

He'd waited for eighteen hours for her to talk to him, and now he didn't know what to say.

__

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"We can't do that, Selphie."

"You don't have to. It'll happen, eventually. You can't keep me here forever. One day I'll be free, and then I can make myself die."

"I can't let you do that." There was steel in his voice, as well as pain.

"Really?"

"I need you. I can't afford to lose you."

"What do you remember, Squall?"

"What?" He blinked in confusion at this sudden change in direction.

"After Ultimecia. After we came back, after the party. What do you remember?"

He frowned at her. "I… all sorts of … what do you mean?"

"We're living a lie. What we remember didn't happen. It was something else that happened, something… None of it means anything." 

Her eyelids were flickering closed, as if she were falling asleep. No, not as if. She ~_was_ falling asleep, he realised. 

"Selphie, please, I need to…"

Her eyes flashed open again. "No. You don't need to know. You're better off not knowing, believe me. Now leave me alone. Let me die."

"You're not going to die."

"Really?" She sighed, her eyes hooded again. "We'll see."

"You can't decide what I need to know and what I don't," said Squall, steadily. "Not that I don't appreciate what you're trying to do, I know you're trying to protect me, but I don't have a choice. I have to know. Too many people's lives depend on it. Lives have already been lost." He paused for a moment, and when he started again his voice was tight and quiet. "Kiros told me this morning that the Dia have started to come out of the caves. A patrol from Trabia found a pile of bodies on the mountainside this morning, no clue how they died, just piled up and surrounded by a ring of pink crystals. I can't wait, Selphie. I can't let anymore people die while we try to find out what's going on. I need to know what you know, all of it, however much it hurts. I need to know what you know, and I need you back at my side to fight whatever's out there. I know it's a lot to ask." He smiled sadly at her. "I always ask too much, of all of you, I know that. But it's the only way."

She was still, her eyes closed, lips softly parted; if she was awake, she either hadn't heard him or had no answer for him.

"I'm sorry, Selphie," he whispered, brushing her bare arm with the back of one cool hand. "Goodnight."

His mind full of sadness and dreams, he left Selphie and went in search of somewhere he could try to think.

* * * * * * *

Frila wrapped herself blearily in the nearest thing that came to hand, which happened to be a bath towel, warm and soft from the radiator, and went to answer her door.

Irvine stood there, dressed only in snug black jeans, his hair loose and flowing over his golden-skinned shoulders, deep violet eyes tinged with desperation.

"Hotshot, I'm sorry to wake you, I…"

"Come in," she said. "It's okay."

"Thanks," he followed her into the room. "I… Ether…"

"You need me?" She sat on the bed, blinking sleepily.

Irvine held himself still, forcing himself to ignore the urgency of Ether's need for a moment. "You can say no," he said.

She stifled a yawn. "Yes, I know. It's okay."

He fought back a sudden surge of guilt and hesitated. She looked sleepy, and vulnerable, and somehow… young. 

__

Child.

Then she looked up at him, a grin twitching at the corner of her mouth, a wicked sparkle in her eyes, and took his breath away.

"Whatcha waiting for?" she asked. "I'm right here. I've been waiting for you all day. Figured you'd need me, to heal Ether."

It felt like a slap round the face, even if that wasn't how she'd intended it. 

"It's not just that," he crossed to the bed, threaded his fingers through the glory of her hair and tilted her head gently, leaning down to kiss her. "It's not just Ether. I missed you. I need you, too." His lips brushed hers; she groaned softly, pulling him down on top of her as he deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring her mouth, revelling in her now-familiar flavours, toothpaste and lemon drops. Ether thrummed weakly in his mind; she pulled back, as if in surprise. 

"He's that weak?" she asked. She must have felt it, Irvine realised. So soon, she could already feel it…

"Yes," he said. "It was a close call." 

"You shouldn't have left it so long," she scolded, working quickly at the fastenings of his jeans.

"Hotshot, I…"

"Shh…" she pushed the black denim roughly down, over his hips and ass. "Ether first. There's time for us later. Ether first."

She leaned back on the bed, and pulled him with her. He sank inside her with a long sigh, and closed his eyes for a moment, lost in tight heat, feeling Ether's hum grow slowly louder in his head. 

He knew what his Guardian liked, he knew what would make him strong again, and gods but he liked it too… He kissed her, plunging his tongue into her mouth in time with the rocking of his hips, sinking into the feel of her firm body writhing against him, the tension building and building somewhere deep in his gut…

"Oh gods… Irvine… harder, harder… I'm… I'm… nearly…"

He couldn't resist, and Ether's song filled him as he came with a long, low scream, shuddering inside her as she convulsed around him. He held her tight, kissing her hair, her face, drowning in her scent, the feel of her, the pounding of her heart against his chest.

Ether gradually quietened, taking up its familiar place at the back of his mind, not completely healed, but content. Irvine rested his forehead against Frila's, still gasping for air.

"You should try breathing more deeply, Kinneas," she said, dryly. "I'm told it does wonders…"

"Shut up, girl," he growled playfully. "I can't help it."

She laughed, that deep, throaty chuckle that made him feel warm and happy.

He rolled onto his back, pulling her on top of him, still joined. She sat up, shaking her hair down her back, her breasts bouncing delightfully in response. He reached up to tweak one rosy nipple between his finger and thumb, taking satisfaction in the way she gasped, her eyes sparking with lust straight away.

"Your turn," he said. "Ether's fine. Do what you want with me."

"Ooh, there's an offer." She brushed a stray auburn strand from his flushed cheek, trailed her finger tip along the line of his jaw. "I like the way you feel inside me," she said. "It reminds me of the first time, back in Balamb. You were so kind…"

He arched an eyebrow. "Kind? Not reckless, selfish and irresponsible, then?"

"Don't be silly. You were lovely." She leaned over and kissed him, seriously enough to set his pulse racing. 

"So were you. You still are. That's the problem."

"Why's it a problem?" she started to circle her hips, sitting up again and looking down at him through eyes that fluttered closed for a second when he twitched his cock inside her.

"I forget," he teased, and twitched again, this time getting a little gasp as reward. "Oh yeah, I remember. I want you all the time, that's the problem. I can't leave you alone."

__

You didn't want me this morning, when you were hurting, she thought, but she didn't say anything. He felt so good, so hard and strong inside her, so beautiful lying there underneath her, those soft violet eyes teasing her, rust-gold hair fanned out over the white sheets…

"Mmmm…" she murmured, "in that case I'll keep you here forever and…" she started to rock her hips, sliding ever so slightly up and down on him, all slickness and hardness and …

The door chime went; it took her a moment to realise what it was.

"Just a minute," she yelled eventually, but it was too late. She'd not thought to lock the door when Irvine came in, and it was open before she had a chance to drag herself from him.

"Sorry to disturb you, I saw your light on and I'm looking for Irv… oh!" Rinoa froze in the doorway. "Fuck."

"Your timing sucks, Rin," murmured Irvine, giving a little yelp as Frila leapt off him and reached for her towel.

Rinoa turned her back, covering her eyes with her hands for good measure. "Sorry," she stammered, "fuck, I'm sorry, I…"

"It's okay," said Frila. "It was Ether. Irvine needed… well, you know how it works."

Irvine could sense Rinoa's shock, just from watching the back of her head. "Are you okay, Rin?" he asked, as Frila passed him his jeans. "Is Selphie alright?"

"Yes, she's fine, I just, I think… yes.. I… what do you mean, Ether?"

"I'll explain that another time, Rin," he shimmied off the bed and into his jeans. "What d'you need me for?"

"Squall hasn't come to bed," she said, her voice halting, uncertain. "And I had this dream…"

"Nightmare?" He put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "You want to talk about it?"

"No… well, yes, but not… it was…"

"Come and sit down," he said sympathetically. "Tell me about it."

"No, not here," she hissed. "It's not.. I think it might be important and… this is just too weird."

"Go on," said Frila, quietly. "I could use some sleep anyway."

Irvine turned to her, searching her expression for any sign of hurt, but he couldn't see any. "Okay," he said. He let go of Rinoa and crossed back to the bed, kissed her gently on her forehead, stroking his fingers through her tangled hair. "You want me to come back, later?" he whispered.

She nodded, with a tiny smile. "Please," she whispered back. "If you want. I mean, if Ether…"

"For you," he mouthed, silently, and felt warmth rush through him as her smile broadened.

"Okay, Rin," he said aloud, striding to the door. "After you."

"Thanks," she said, following.

Frila watched the door close behind them, and pulled the blankets around her rapidly cooling body.

* * * * * * *

"I've been having these dreams for a while," Rinoa explained, watching as Irvine pulled a T-shirt over his head and down over his tautly-muscled chest. "Nice dreams, mostly. A little… well, naughty."

Irvine raised an eyebrow. "Naughty?"

"Hmmm. I guess it was with me and Squall getting together and…well. But tonight, it was awful. I was Ultimecia, I think, and … well, Seifer was there and.. but the worst part was the end, I was watching and we were in the orphanage, and Squall was there, and you, and Squall killed you."

He froze, his hands holding his hair back, hair band half way around his thick ponytail. "What?"

"He stabbed you to death with Seifer's gunblade." She shuddered. "There was so much blood, and he didn't realise it was you, I don't think, he thought… I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything… I know it was just a dream, but…"

"No," the colour had drained from Irvine's face. "I'm not sure it was."

"What?" she looked at him sharply. "What do you mean?"

"I had the same dream," he said. "Not the first part, but the being killed by Squall part… that's when I woke up, and Ether was so weak, and…"

"It could be a coincidence," Rinoa said, unconvincingly. "We've both been mad at Squall today and…"

"The last time we all dreamed the same thing, they were memories," said Irvine. "When Ellone was sending us back into Laguna's life… this is no co-incidence, Rin. It has to mean something."

"We need to find Squall," she said. "I don't like this at all."

"Okay. Have you tried Selphie's room?"

She nodded. "The nurse said he left about an hour ago. Didn't know where he'd gone, though."

"That's okay," said Irvine. "I've an idea where he'll be."

"Where?"

"Well, knowing Squall, if he's not asleep, he'll be at work. The conference room. Come on."

Sure enough, they found Squall in the room where they'd met with Kiros that morning. He sat on the huge glossy table, bootheels resting against the back of the chair in front of him, rocking it steadily back and forth. He raised his head as the door opened, surprise in his cloudy grey eyes.

It was only then that Irvine remembered he was still mad at Squall. 

"Squall, we're worried about something," said Rinoa, steadily. "We both had the same dream, and we think it might mean something."

"Dream?" Squall frowned, crinkling the faded scar between his brows. 

"You killed Irvine," said Rinoa. "Exactly the same, for both of us; you stabbed him, in the old orphanage…"

"With Hyperion," Squall breathed.

"You too?" for some reason Irvine wasn't surprised. Squall nodded.

"I thought you were Seifer, and then…" his voice tailed off, and he swallowed, hard. "It's all my fault," he murmured, staring straight ahead. "It's my fault."

"What, baby? What's your fault?" Rinoa crossed to Squall, hitching herself up beside him on the table, but not, quite, touching him. Irvine kept his distance, watching. For now.

"Ether told me we need to be strong, the three of us. Like rope. That we need each other and… this happened before. When I remembered…" his eyes met Irvine's, understanding passed between them. "… when I was mad at him. And with you, Rin…"

"The same dream," said Rinoa. "I remember now."

"It's a warning," said Squall. "I should have kept you close to me, and I didn't. I pushed you both away."

"It's not all your fault," said Rinoa. "I shouldn't have nagged you, I should have…"

"No," said Squall, sadly. "You were right, you both were. I should have left Selphie alone. I should have waited, even if... It's all been a waste of time, a waste of… it won't work. All I've done is hurt the people I love the most. Again."

Irvine looked helplessly at his friend, all the anger draining away. Rinoa held Squall's hand in her own and squeezed it hard. 

None of them heard the door open.

"We'll find a way," said Irvine. "There has to be some other way we can find out what we need to know. We can go back underground..."

"It's alright," came a shadow of a familiar voice. "You don't have to."

Irvine's heart jumped to his throat as he saw Selphie standing there, pale, sad, but Selphie. 

"I'm sorry, Squall," she whispered. "You're right. It's not up to us." She smiled, a thin, tragic echo of Selphie's usual happy expression. She pulled a chair back from the table, and sat down slowly, as if she was unused to moving of her own accord. She folded her hands in her lap, and looked at Squall with big green eyes still laced with fear.

"I'll do what I can," she said. "Just tell me what you need to know."

Squall gazed at her, his eyes wide with surprise and sudden hope. "Everything," he husked, hungrily. "Tell me everything. Please."

Selphie nodded, and dropped her eyes to the table top, concentrating hard.

"In the beginning," she said, softly, "there was a Guardian called Bane…"

* * * * * * *

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To be continued…


	28. Memories

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This is **a bit mangled ** in places to conform with fan fiction net's censorship policy. The full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended is on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ ^_^_

Please tell me what you think of it, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

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************************************************************

Chapter 28 - Memories

The memories were fading now, and at last Selphie started to understand. They weren't disappearing completely, like before, just settling into their normal texture and intensity as befitted the passage of time. Becoming normal. Becoming hers. 

She knew what they were, and she knew Squall needed to know. So she'd put aside her deep desire to die, and sought him out, responding to the sense of duty that had kept him by her side all day, triggering the loyalty that had kept her fighting for him to hell and back, through pain and magic so dark it had engulfed her. 

He needed to know, so she would tell him. However much it hurt.

But as soon as she'd started to speak, the tears she'd been unable to shed came like a waterfall. The pain and fear dissolved into salt water that ran down her face, forcing sobs of surprise and relief, more than misery. She started to imagine, for the first time since Chet left her mind, that things might be alright, after all.

Irvine flew to her side with a low cry, scooping her up in his arms and holding her close. He felt her flinch, and something clicked in his mind.

__

Bane. Ether. Incompatible.

He quickly let his junction with Ether go, dropping to his knees with the sudden loss of energy and taking Selphie with him as she fell, willingly now, into his arms.

He junctioned Siren, breathing hard as the power flowed slowly back through his body. Not as strong as Ether had become at his peak over the past few days, Irvine realised. But steady, calming. Enough.

He held Selphie in his arms. 

__

At last.

Then Squall's hand was squeezing his shoulder. "Come on, man," his friend's voice was low and steady. "Let's take this somewhere more comfortable. This place feels like a fucking interrogation room."

Irvine nodded with a half smile. "Okay, Elf?" he whispered through soft hair that smelt of cinnamon and strawberries, tinged with hospital-antiseptic. 

She murmured agreement, her body shaking less now, just the occasional shudder against his chest.

Squall led them to his quarters, and they settled into the low couches in the main living area, Selphie snuggled on Irvine's lap. Rinoa produced hot chocolate from somewhere, and a blanket to wrap around Selphie's shoulders.

"It must have been awful," said Rinoa, settling next to Squall, opposite Selphie and Irvine, placing her mug on the low table between them. "I'm so sorry I left you there. I couldn't find you…"

"It's okay," croaked Selphie, her voice hoarse from crying. "You did everything you could. You all did… I'm so pleased you came back for me. I thought.. it was all over there, for a bit."

"You said you wanted it to be," Squall reminded her, softly.

"Yes. I think I really did," said Selphie, nestling into Irvine's chest as he hugged her and kissed the top of her head.

"You don't have to talk about it," he whispered. "If you don't want to."

"No, I do," she said. "Squall's right, you do need to know."

"Take your time, then," Irvine soothed. "We love you, babe. We want to make it better." He brushed the hair back from her tearstained face, thinking how different it looked without its usual perky flip. It made her look older somehow; it revealed a serious Selphie that was usually well-hidden behind bounce and sunshine.

"I missed you," she whispered, her vivid green eyes shining up at his warm violet. "Even though…" she tailed off, lowering her gaze to the mug she cradled in small hands, warmth seeping into her fingers and stilling the trembling. 

There was a long pause.

"I don't know where to start," she said, eventually.

"What about the crystals?" suggested Squall. "Or Bane. Anything at all would help."

"Oh. Yes. The crystals… they're a source of power, I think, kind of a conduit. He used one to open up my mind, as part of a ritual." Her hand unconsciously strayed to the deep red mark the crystal had burnt into her flesh. "They sing… the singing makes your mind clear, and then you … remember."

Something passed through Squall's mind like a ghost. That sounded… familiar. "Remember what?" he asked, frowning, suddenly feeling he could answer his own question, if only he could grasp a fleeting thought…

"That's where it gets complicated," said Selphie, pausing to sip at her drink. "I thought at first he wanted to get in my head just to feed Bane, but that wasn't it. Bane just needed the anger, the fear, and there was plenty of that… Chet wanted to know stuff. He was looking for my past, and especially for Irvy," her eyes lingered on Irvine for a moment, full of remorse as she remembered how Chet had feasted on those precious memories. "And Xu," she added quietly. "Irvy, there's something I have to tell you about Xu.. I…"

"It's okay," he continued to stroke her hair, gave her a slow little smile. "Rinoa told me about the two of you. It's okay."

Confusion haunted Selphie's face for a moment until she realised what he meant. She put a hand up to his face, caressed his cheek with soft fingers. "Thank you," she said, relief plain on her open face. "Oh, thank gods, I've worried for the longest time…"

"Silly Elf," he murmured, kissing her forehead tenderly, tucking her head under his chin to make sure he couldn't see the threat of tears in his eyes. "I told you I was cool."

Rinoa watched them with a lump in her throat.

"Why was Chet more interested in some memories than others?" she asked, eventually. "I can see he'd be interested in Irvine because of Ether, but Xu…"

"Yes!" Squall's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't thought of that, but it made perfect sense, that of course Chet would want to size up Bane's opposition. "And he worked with Xu, at Garden, he knows she has power. Maybe he wanted to find out what she'd been up to while he was away. See if she'd told us anything…"

"I think it was more that he wanted to break me," said Selphie. "He knew she was the thing that kept me going, resisting him. I think it was an experiment. He knew she was what I was keeping myself alive for, when most people would have given up and…"

"Just Xu?" Irvine blurted out, unable to stop himself. "What about me? Us? I mean, all of us? We have a bond, from the Orphanage, Ultimecia, we're like family. Surely that…" he bit his tongue, hoping he hadn't said too much. 

"He'd already dealt with that," said Selphie sorrowfully, in a small, fragile voice. "That came earlier, with the memories."

"You asked me, before," said Squall, "what I remembered. You said we were living a lie."

"Yes. It's kind of hard to explain, and it freaked me out, at first… but... I think at some point our memories were altered. Or something. Some time after Ultimecia."

"We write everything down, Selph," said Rinoa. "It's all there, and anyway, what could change everyone's memories? If there's any discrepancy we notice for each other. That's how it works, that's what the journals are for."

"They're wrong," said Selphie.

"What?"

"I don't know how, but the journals are wrong. Something happened. Something bad, and horrid, and we all forgot."

Squall swallowed hard, and exchanged a long look with Rinoa. The thought that they forgot more than most people, that history could rewrite itself without them knowing, was something they faced all the time. Ever since that day in Trabia Garden when they'd realised that Guardians used their memories up like a battery.

It didn't make it any easier to deal with. 

"What do you think happened, Elf?" said Irvine, gently. "What was so terrible?"

There was a long pause. Selphie looked around at the anxious faces of her friends, and took a deep breath.

"It was… Irvy and I were together." She looked up at him, softly stroked his face. "It wasn't long after that time in Esthar, sweetheart," she whispered, holding the memory with him for a moment before she turned back to the others. "Squall and Rin, you guys were together too, since the celebration party after Ultimecia, and you weren't training, Rin, you'd decided you didn't care about being a SeeD, you wanted to give up the fighting, just as soon as the lunar cry was cleared up. The three of you had been to the Island Closest to Hell on a monster bashing mission, while I'd been away in Trabia for a few days, and I was to meet up with you back at Garden." 

She took a pause before continuing.

"You betrayed me," she said, eventually. "All of you."

"What?" Irvine's disbelief was plain in his voice. "How could we…"

"You slept with Rinoa," Selphie blurted, the words tumbling out in a rush, "and Squall. The three of you… I found Irvy and Rin in bed together, I didn't find out 'til later but Squall was there too… I ran away, and Rin came after me, and I hit her, and hit her, and she wouldn't hit me back…" Selphie turned her eyes to Rinoa, "I nearly killed you."

"Selphie," gasped Rinoa, "I would never, never hurt you like that, and you wouldn't…"

"But you did," protested Selphie, "and I did, nearly kill you, I really did. If Quistis hadn't come and separated us, dragged me off…"

"Elf…"

"That's funny, you didn't call me Elf, then, you called me Seffie. Like you did when we were kids. It sounds right, doesn't it? Seffie…"

Irvine shrugged noncommittally. But she was right, it did.

"I really loved you," she said. "I loved you so, so much, Irvy. And it hurt… I remember Quistis carried Rinoa to the training centre, because the Doc was there, treating some accident, a cadet of Zell's I think…. I wouldn't tell Quisty why I was so mad, I couldn't bring myself to, and Rinoa was half dead… I remember Zell's face, when he saw her… 

"I didn't see much of anyone for a while after that day. Rinoa was in the Infirmary for a long time, well, long for a Sorceress. A few days, at least. Squall, you broke up with her and hid yourself away. I broke up with Irvy, Quistis was cold and distant, Zell spent a lot of time with Rin, I think… I drank most nights, killed monsters every day. And then one night," a trace of a smile graced her lips for the first time since she'd started her story, "one night Xu found me, and we got together, and it didn't hurt so much... And after that… things sort of merge again."

"That's ridiculous," sputtered Irvine. "It can't have happened. It's just something Chet planted in your mind, Sweetheart. It's got to be. To make you want to give up. I wouldn't… we wouldn't… it wouldn't happen, Babe. Ever."

"I remember coming back from the Island Closest to Hell," said Squall. "Nothing bad happened. We went back to Garden, and stayed up in my room playing cards. You and Irvine kept bitching at each other, and Rinoa and I certainly weren't together."

"That's right," said Irvine. "We were bitching because it was just after we split up, after that afternoon… and you left me because you just wanted to be friends, babe, not for any other reason. You said… you promised… I wouldn't forget that."

"I know," Selphie squeezed his hand, "but that's not real, Irvy. At least... at first I didn't know which was real, but after a while…"

"After Chet started to play with your head, you mean." Squall stood up abruptly and started to pace, running tense fingers through his dark bangs. "It can't have…"

"I would never do that to you, Selphie," said Rinoa. "Never. I don't think of Irvine like that at all, I love Squall too much to…"

They all looked at her as she came to a stop, remembering.

The Quad. The afternoon of Rinoa's last exams, less than two weeks ago, but feeling like a lifetime away.

"Oh," said Rinoa, a flush rising up to her cheekbones. "Well, yes, but... that was different, it was must a moment of weakness, one of those things, it didn't mean…" _and I haven't been dreaming about them like that because anything happened, it's just dreams… I'd never really…_

Selphie grinned a humourless grin. "That's what you said in Squall's room back in Balamb, too. When I found you together."

"But it was different," protested Rinoa. "We were single. It was only a kiss. I would never have done anything if you guys had been together, or if I was with Squall…. And that's another thing, even if… Squall and Irvine would never…" She gulped. That same afternoon. Irvine and Squall. They'd… "that was different, too."

"What was?" frowned Selphie.

Squall paused in his pacing, the muscles of his back tensing visibly under his thin T-shirt. 

"Nuthin', sweetheart," said Irvine smoothly. "She means we wouldn't have risked hurting you, babe."

"But you did," said Selphie. "I know you did…"

Squall suddenly rushed through to the bedroom; Rinoa started after him but he was back before she could catch up. "This'll prove it!" he said. "Look, Selphie, it's all here." He held his diary in his hand, not the official Balamb version but his own. "It was after Ultimecia, about a month or two, right?" He started to thumb through pages. "Here!" he exclaimed, triumphantly. "Cards! It says we were playing cards. And you called Irvine a slut, and Rinoa stomped off to bed and I…" he tailed off, his eyes scanning swiftly over the page.

"You what?" asked Rinoa, half curious as to what he'd done after she'd stomped off. 

"Oh, nothing," he said. "It's not worth bothering about." 

"What do you mean? Of course it…"

"Squall," said Irvine, sharply. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," said Squall, tossing the book negligently on to the table. "There's just no point. There's nothing there."

"I know," said Irvine. "I would have remembered, I read it too, remember?" He noticed surprise on Rinoa's face, and felt incomprehensibly smug for a moment, to think he knew something about Squall that she didn't. It made the gift Squall had granted to him of sharing his diary somehow all the more precious. "But there was something there, wasn't there? Squall, come on, this is important. Something happened, I could feel it."

Squall was silent, his eyes closed, massaging his old scar with his forefinger.

"Squall?"

He gestured at the book lying on the table.

__

~Dispel.~

"Squall?"

He reached for his diary with a trembling hand; they waited with bated breath as he read, Rinoa craning over his shoulder. 

Irvine knew for sure, then. He watched the colour drain from Rinoa's face, and saw how Squall's eyes fluttered closed. Then he knew Selphie was right.

Squall closed his diary with a loud snap.

"No," Irvine breathed, wanting more than anything for this not to be happening. To think he might have had his Seffie, and thrown it away, that he could have hurt her so badly, was almost more than he could bear.

"I'm sorry," said Selphie. "I didn't want to be right... I kept hoping maybe you could prove me wrong, and we could pretend it hadn't happened…"

"I still don't remember," said Squall. "I read it, but I don't remember. Usually you forget and you read and it comes back… it hasn't come back. I can't remember…" there was panic in his voice, undisguised now.

"Someone's tampered with… with everything," said Rinoa. "It can't just be us. If we really got together after Ultimecia… the whole of Garden would have known…"

"Not that many," said Selphie. "You wanted to keep it quiet, because of Squall's position. There were still people out there who didn't approve of Sorceresses then, if you remember. Still are, come to that."

"But I don't give a fuck," said Rinoa, "and neither does Squall!"

"You did then," said Selphie. "You were different, Rin. You relied on Squall for everything."

Rinoa thought hard, fighting down her own panic and fear. But she could see the truth in what Selphie was telling her, in a way. If she hadn't spent the last two years alone, coming to terms with her power and training with Zell, doing all the growing up her father would never let her do… if she had got together with Squall back then, when she was still just a stupid teenage girl… 

"We have to make sure, before we tell anyone about this," said Squall. "It's too big. Rinoa's right, the power it would take to alter things, even if it's just twenty or thirty people… that's huge. And if it's been done once, it can be done again. I want you to cast dispel on everything you rely on for information, every time you use it."

"How can we make sure?" said Rinoa. "Anything could have been changed. Even your diary… it could still have been an hallucination or…"

"We'll go to see Sis," said Squall. "First thing tomorrow. Get her to send us back. Not you, Selphie," he added, noticing the way she blanched at the idea. "You've been through enough. Ellone can only send a maximum of three of us back, anyway. So we'll go."

There was a pause, each of them trying to grapple with a whole world of new possibilities. Eventually Selphie broke the silence.

"How is Xu?" she said. "Is she okay? I'd like to call her tomorrow, if I can."

"Of course," said Squall. "But…"

"Shit!" Rinoa knocked her mug over with a clatter. "Fuck, get me a cloth, would you Squall?"

He looked at her, a little startled.

"Go on! A towel? Washcloth? Anything! Before it sinks into the carpet!"

He scrambled to his feet and headed to the bathroom.

__

Nicely done, Rin, thought Irvine.

"You ought to get some rest, Selphie," said Rinoa, dabbing at the tiny amount of spilt chocolate with a tissue. "Have they assigned you quarters?"

She shook her head. "I ought to go back to the medlab," she said, with a yawn. "But I really don't like it there…"

"Have mine," said Irvine, quickly. "I'll be okay on Frila's floor. Then you can sleep in as late as you like, while we go and get briefed and talk to Odine and get ready to leave."

Selphie frowned. "Who's Frila?"

"She's a cadet," said Rinoa. "She's the one who saved you, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," Selphie smiled. "I must thank her. I'd forgotten…" she yawned again, struggling now to keep her eyes open.

"Come on Selph," said Irvine, as Squall returned with a cloth, looking a little perplexed. "Let's try and get some sleep before the sun comes up, eh?"

She slid off his lap with yet another yawn, holding her hand out to pull Irvine up too. They said their goodbyes as Rinoa scrubbed at the non-existent stain on the carpet and Squall looked on, confused. Irvine led Selphie to his quarters and tucked her up in bed, leaving her with one of his T-shirts to change into, although she was almost asleep as soon as he laid her on the bed.

He quietly left the room, the door hissing shut behind him, and nearly jumped out of his skin to see Rinoa waiting for him across the corridor. Her dark hair spilled over one shoulder, and the soft pink light of the corridor cast shadows over her face, rendering her expression inscrutable. 

"Rin? What's up? You frightened the life out of me!"

"Good," said Rinoa, a rare edge of steel to her voice. 

"What? Come on, Rin, it's been a fuck of a day. What's wrong?"

"Was it really for Ether?"

"What?"

"Don't be dense, Irvine, you know what I'm talking about. When I found you earlier, you were with Frila, remember? And I mean WITH Frila."

"Oh." He'd actually forgotten that, with everything that had happened since. "We're not involved," he said.

"Does she believe that?"

"Rin, it's really not a good time…"

"She's only fifteen, Kinneas. What are you playing at?"

He winced. Rinoa never used his surname. Never. And she was right, he knew she was right.

"You're going to go back and pick up where you left off, aren't you?" said Rinoa. "Even after all this. You're going to go back and hump little Miss Gunblade until the sun comes up."

"I need to have Ether at full capacity," said Irvine, but the words sounded hollow even as he spoke them, especially in the face of Rinoa's stern gaze. "I like Frila," he said. "I really do. We understand each other. She's been really good to me, and I've been honest with her, about Ether and about how I feel. I need her, Rin. Please try to understand. I need her."

"Even now Selphie's back? Now things might be… different?"

Irvine's voice came low and quiet. "I don't know," he admitted. "But I promised her I'd be back tonight, and I will be. I owe her that much."

Rinoa gave a deep sigh. "Alright then," she said. "I won't tell Squall. You realise if he found out he'd have to fire both of you?"

Irvine nodded. "Thanks, Rin," he said.

"Just be more careful about locking the door," she said, turning to go back to Squall's rooms. But just as Irvine was about to continue on to Frila's, Rinoa paused.

"Irvine…" 

"Yes, Rin?"

"Do you really think it happened?" She didn't turn back, staring resolutely down the corridor ahead of her.

"I don't know," said Irvine. "To be honest it's too much to take in, you know?"

"Have you had the other dreams, too? The ones with… have you dreamt it?"

There was a pause. 

"Yes," said Irvine, eventually. "But I don't think that necessarily means… I don't know what it means. I guess we'll find out tomorrow, huh?"

Her head dropped. "Yes," she whispered. "Goodnight, Irvine."

"Good night, sweetheart."

She walked slowly the twenty or so paces to her quarters. Irvine heard Squall's voice as she entered, warm, welcoming_._

He pressed the button by Frila's door, and it hummed open.

"Hey, Hotshot?" he whispered. "You asleep?"

"Yes," came her voice. "You'd better come here and wake me up, I guess."

Irvine stepped into the room, locking the door firmly behind him.

__

* * * * * * *

"Here, drink this. And I got you a donut."

Quistis took the mug of steaming coffee from Laguna with a grateful smile, before regarding the accompanying confection with a certain degree of curious amusement. "Donut?" she said.

"Yeah, you know. Very high fat and sugar content, no discernible vitamins, perfect late night low blood sugar food. Or in this case, early morning low blood sugar food." 

"And?" She looked up at him with a twinkly smile.

"You eat it," explained Laguna, as if to a visitor from another planet. "It's good. It has icing. And sprinkles."

"It'll go straight to my thighs," she said.

"Good," said Laguna, shoving the donut box into her spare hand. "Your skinny ass needs some flesh on it."

Quistis squealed with mock outrage, attracting the attention of several of the SeeD officers who were grouped around the computer screens next to her. 

Then she took a large bite out of the donut, and rapture spread across her face. "God, it's been so long," she murmured, flicking her tongue out to catch stray smudges of jam and sugar from her lips. "Thanks, Mr President."

"You're welcome, loyal citizen," he said. "How's it going?"

"Zell should be back any minute," she said, her voice a little indistinct through the mouthful of donut. "Only three injured, but it's more luck than judgement, from what he said. Back up got there just in time to cover a retreat. The Dia are coming further and further inland, at least at night. First light of dawn and they run… well, ooze, really, back to the caves."

"What kind of attacks are they using?"

Quistis shook her head. "I don't know yet. We'll have to wait for Zell's report." She took another nibble on her donut. "Gods, this is good."

Laguna grinned. "See? Being nice to yourself doesn't hurt so bad, does it?"

She grinned back.

"Hi, I'm home!" Zell burst into the room like a hyperactive acrobat, actually performing a cartwheel to get from the door of the ops room to the workstation where Quistis stood, licking donut remains from her fingers. 

Laguna looked a little startled, but Quistis and the other SeeDs barely looked up. 

"Hey," said Quistis. "Everyone okay?"

Zell nodded, breathing hard. Laguna wondered whether perhaps he'd come all the way back from Balamb Cove via a series of flickflacks and tumbles. "Just the three injured, like I said. One broken leg, looks like, and two unconscious, no discernible external injuries. We managed to beat the Dians off with a fire and thunder magic, they didn't like that much. But there were a lot of them, and the patrol team said they suspected some kind of mind attack. Music, one of them said. Kind of… disorientating."

"That could explain the unconsciousness," said Quistis. "If they're using some kind of neural suppressor. Any sign of a transmission device?"

"Nope. They didn't seem to go in for equipment. Just tentacles, mostly. Very slimy."

"Well, that doesn't sound too bad," said Quistis. "Fire and thunder magic is plentiful. Make sure we step up that aspect of training, okay?"

"There must have been something else, in Trabia," said Zell. "We didn't do anything they couldn't have. I don't understand how they lost so many." 

"No," Quistis agreed. "Me neither."

"I'll call Kiros in the morning," said Laguna. "See if he can take a side trip to go take a look."

"Thanks," said Quistis. "At the moment we need all the information we can get. I don't want any more nasty surprises."

"No," said Zell, with feeling. "Speaking of which, has anyone seen Almasy since yesterday lunchtime?"

"He should have been training," said Quistis. "Wasn't he in your junction class?"

"Nope. Never turned up. Went to gunblade training with Xian in the morning and showed off in front of the other cadets, all of whom are, you'll remember, very young and impressionable… and then vanished. He sent me a note to suggest that if there was anything I needed by way of a demonstration on junctioning, to let him know."

"Well, I'm surprised his enthusiasm for training didn't last more than half a day," said Quistis, "but I can't say I'm sorry. I am _so_ looking forward to kicking that asshole out of here."

"Is that altogether wise?" said Laguna quietly, looking innocently out of the window.

"Oh yes," said Quistis, with absolute certainty. "If there's one thing Squall doesn't need, it's Seifer Almasy striding round Garden like he owns the place."

"But he might need an extra gunblade on the battlefield, Quisty. Cid doesn't act on a whim. If he wasn't going to be any help, he wouldn't have sent him. Not now."

Quistis breathed an exasperated sigh. 

"Well, at least we can put him on report" said Zell, cracking his knuckles. "Not to mention giving him a good bollocking. You want in on that too, Quisty?"

"I'm already looking forward to it," said Quistis, grimly. 

Laguna nodded his assent.

"I have to tell Squall he's back, too," added Quistis. "Unless you've….?"

"No," said Laguna. "I couldn't tell him over the phone, somehow."

"Maybe it's for the best," said Zell. "He's probably got enough to worry about right now."

"Hmm," said Quistis. "I wonder how Selphie is?"

Zell put a hand on her shoulder.

"She'll be fine, Quisty. They'll bring her home. It would take something a lot bigger than a rogue instructor and an evil Guardian to split up the six of us."

She followed Laguna's gaze to the window. The sun was inching its way towards the horizon, pushing a swathe of orange ahead of it into the silver grey sky.

"Yes," she whispered. "It would."

* * * * * * *

Rinoa peeked round the bathroom door.

"Hey, Commander, you need your back scrubbed in there?"

"What?" Squall's voice came through the hiss of the spray.

"You want some help?"

"No thanks, I'm…. oh." The glass shower screen was pulled back a little, and Squall's dark head emerged, wet hair plastered to his skull, droplets dripping into his eyes. "What kind of help?"

Rinoa was already in the room, stepping out of her robe to stand naked before him. "Whatever you need, Commander," she said.

He shot out an arm to grab her hand and pull her into the shower with him. She gave a delighted squeal, pressing her warm body against his slick skin. "Why, Commander, I…"

"Shut up, Heartilly." He grinned lopsidedly at her. "And do as you're told."

She looked up at him, her eyes sparkling. "Whatever you say," she breathed.

He covered her mouth with his, turning her neatly so they were both under the spray. His hands roved her shoulder blades, the dip of her spine and the curve of her ass. She moaned softly, winding her arms around his neck, kissing him back with soft lips and agile tongue.

"Against the wall," he said. 

"Oh yes," she husked, as he pushed her none-too-gently against the tile, catching her thighs in strong hands and lifting her easily. 

"You drive me wild," he murmured, kissing a wet line from her shoulder up her neck, around her throat and down between her breasts, stopping to suck one bullet-hard nipple between his lips, flicking the end with his tongue. "You make me want you so damn much…"

She snarled at him, wrapping her legs around his waist. "I'm yours," she gasped, the sensation of his mouth on her nipple spreading straight from her breast to her belly to the ache between her legs like lit gunpowder. "All yours…"

"You ready?" he whispered. "I don't think I can wait." 

She felt light-headed; her body had gone from mildly aroused to desperate in the time it had taken for her to get from the bathroom door to being braced against the slick tile, and it left her mindless. 

"Fuck me," she said, at a loss for anything else to say.

He growled deep in his throat, his teeth bared, eyes glinting silver-blue through the shower mist. 

* * * * * * *

She cried out and clutched wildly at him as her body convulsed; her forehead fell onto his neck. The torrents of water falling on her skull from the shower were almost as deafening as the pumping of her own pulse in her ears.

Then her body was slammed against the wall as emptied himself into her with a roar, his chest heaving against hers. She gasped for air, her own heartbeat still thumping distinctly through her body with enough force that she knew he'd be able to feel it.

She raised her head, squinting against the fine spray that flew at her eyes, and looked at him. The wildness in his eyes subsided, returning them to a clear blue-grey, tinged suddenly with concern and worry.

"Are you okay?" he whispered. "Oh, gods, Rin," he brushed her drenched hair back from her face and kissed her eyes, her cheeks, her mouth, her jaw. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she croaked, "fine. That was… oh fuck, that was…"

"Was I too rough?" He pulled her away from the wall, holding her close to him, still kissing every last inch of skin he could reach. "I just wanted you so much…"

"You were… awesome," said Rinoa, a grin starting to spread across her face as the shock of their sudden coupling faded. "Gods, I love you."

He nuzzled into her neck. "You have to remember this," he said. "Whatever happens today, remember _this_, this is what important, what we have now, that I love you and…"

She hugged him tight. "It's okay," she breathed into his ear. "I'll never forget. I promise."

Neither of them was willing to admit how futile such a promise might be.

* * * * * * *

Irvine cradled Frila in his arms, stroking the bare flesh of her shoulder with his thumb. His nose twitched slightly where her hair tickled it, but he couldn't be bothered to move it away. He felt languid and content, and he knew those feelings were bound to be fleeting. He wanted to enjoy every second of them while he could.

"You're amazing," she murmured sleepily, nuzzling into his chest. "How'd you learn to do that?"

"Practice," he said, his wide mouth forming an easy grin. "Lots of practice."

She giggled. "I think I like morning sex best," she said. "I can't think of a better way of waking up."

"Wait until we've had a chance to fuck all day," he said. "Otherwise it's not a fair test, is it?"

She let that sink in for a moment. 

It sounded like the promise, or at least the possibility, of a future. She hadn't allowed herself to believe in that future. Not since he'd told her it was all a mistake, that morning in her room, the day she found Oceanus and her life changed. 

Not since she'd heard him whisper Selphie's name in his sleep.

"I don't expect anything, you know," she said, softly. "From you, I mean. Not with everything that's happened, that's still happening… And I know we need to be more careful, after last night..." She sighed. "Everything's so complicated. So… unpredictable."

"That's what our lives are like, Hotshot. Better get used to it. If you want stability and routine you're in the wrong job."

"I know. And I don't want things to be boring and the same. But…"

There was a pause. Irvine pulled her a little closer, kissed the top of her head.

"Live in the present, sweetheart. It's the only place you can be sure is real. Take it from me, I've lived in the past and the future and neither is good. Stay in the here and now."

"Hmm." She snuggled into the delicious warmth of his body. "This now is good," she said. "I like it."

"Me too," he murmured. "But we only have ten more minutes of it until we have to get in the shower."

She raised her head just enough to read the alarm clock by the bed. "It's not going to take us an hour to get washed and dressed," she said.

"No," said Irvine. "Not unless I take the opportunity to fuck you senseless in the shower while we're at it."

"Again?" she looked at him with wide eyes and a wicked smile.

"Oh yeah." He smiled his lazy smile at her, savouring the subtle shift from contentment to anticipation. "Unless you've had enough?"

"Well," she considered, "I guess just one more won't hurt. And we haven't done it actually _in_ the shower yet."

"That's my girl," he rolled her swiftly onto her back and took her mouth in a searing kiss. "And there's no time like the present."

* * * * * * * 


	29. Truth

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Still welcoming the feedback, by the way, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

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************************************************************

Chapter 29 - Truth

Rinoa was looking forward to leaving Esthar. She never felt truly comfortable there: it was full of memories of her awakening as a sorceress, and she was aware that there were some Estharians who would still happily see her entombed in Adel's seal forever. However frightening the prospect of facing an unknown past might be, she was anxious to leave Laguna's city behind and see the flower fields of Winhill again.

Odine was droning on in his usual incomprehensible way; she'd lost track of what he was saying a while ago and couldn't get back in the loop. She was trying not to look at him either, as she found herself strangely fascinated by the ruff he wore, not dissimilar to the cone-shaped device the veterinarian had put around Angelo's neck to stop him pulling his stitches out after an operation to remove shrapnel from his leg. 

Squall was listening carefully, but she could see his impatience building as he tapped his pencil irritably on the pad in front of him, casting occasional glances of desperation at Kiros. Irvine's expression was rendered invisible by his hat, pulled low over his eyes and leaving Rinoa by no means certain that he was even awake, never mind paying attention. Frila was doodling in a little notebook, something that looked like a tree and two snakes. 

Rinoa had taken enough Psychology options as part of her training to know she didn't want to think too hard about what that might mean. Especially considering the smile that kept appearing on the cadet's face for no readily apparent reason. 

Suddenly Odine said something that, although no more intelligible than usual, made Rinoa sit up and take notice.

"Gemini was part of on-going and quite fascinating research that is a series of complex and sophisticated investigations into what might be termed the origins of what we know as guardian forces, but which actually are, or should I say could be seeing as this is only understood on a completely theoretical and as yet unproved basis as a race of what we loosely call 'beings' that probably predate the evolution of mammalian life forms on the planet, although that is, to an extent and as far as we have been able to was able to ascertain, pure conjecture on my part, and has majorly been refuted by the assertion that in fact some GFs manifest as mammalian or quasi-mammalian beasts or, again, beings; however, the fact remains that we don't know, and what we don't know could well harm us so it is therefore in the interests of us all that we are fully and entirely engaged in the origins agenda."

Odine paused for breath, and Rinoa tried to sort his sentence out into something that had a beginning, middle and end. It was like trying to untangle knotted candy floss.

"Are you saying Gemini Pandora was part of an experiment?" guessed Squall.

Odine looked at him as if he were a child. "That's what I just said," he said. "We were trying to find out…"

Kiros leapt in and, thankfully, interrupted. "Chet was working with Odine and the others to try and work out how Guardians reproduce," he said.

Even Irvine looked up at that.

It had never really occurred to Rinoa to question where Guardians came from. She supposed somehow they were generated by magic, like the monsters of the lunar cry. She'd never considered that they might reproduce like animals, or people. She'd asked her own Guardians, of course, including Gemini, but they didn't seem to be able to remember. Time was non-linear for them to some degree, so maybe that explained it. 

"What kind of experiments?" she said. "What did they do to her?"

She should have known better than to ask Odine an open question like that. He spoke enthusiastically for five or ten minutes, without her understanding a word he said.

"Kiros?" she murmured, weakly.

"To summarise," he said, a twinkle in his eye, "Chet was using Odine's research on sorceress' magic to work out a way of propagating GF powers, and eventually GFs themselves. He was using Gemini for the research because she already has the ability to split into two, and theoretically the two beings could live independent lives. Therefore he hoped that by working out how the split worked, he could progress to some kind of cloning technology."

"Cloning guardians?" Rinoa stared at Odine in amazement. "Can we do that?"

"No," Kiros said quickly, before the confusing scientist could launch into yet another interminable sentence. "He was at the very early stages of the work. And it didn't go well, from what I can work out."

Odine shook his head. "He had no rigor," he said, a little wistfully. "Brilliant mind, no discipline, you could say, and the application of discipline and a thorough and accurate methodology is essential if the scientific outcome is to be robust enough to face the onslaught of real world perception."

Rinoa blinked. 

"Is Gemini alright?" she asked, faintly.

"Oh yes," said Odine, "perfectly. Better than ever."

"Enhanced," said Kiros. "It was his only success, in all the time he worked with us. But I understand there were problems; some Guardian's shun Gemini because it's been 'tampered with'."

"Like Ether," said Irvine. 

"Guardian incompatibility," Odine nodded sagely, "personality clash, prejudice, partiality, discrimination…"

"Oh no," muttered Squall to Rinoa under his breath. "Now he's in thesaurus mode."

"Only with pain," Irvine boldly interrupted Odine. "Not just being in a huff and going about half-assed. Real, actual pain."

"Defence mechanism," Odine glared at Irvine for the impertinence of his interruption. "In case of threat, no, perceived threat there having to be no actual threat, not dissimilar to the action of the pricklefish which presents its dorsal spikes retroactively and in complete disregard of need or actual imminent danger but in any case will thus render any in the vicinity harmed and therefore unlikely to ingest any portion of itself."

"They shoot pointy spikes out of their arses," said Frila, "when they feel particular frequencies of vibration behind them. Automatic response."

Squall's pencil stopped tapping, and he stared at her, one eyebrow raised.

"Exactly," said Odine. "I couldn't have put it better myself. Have you studied science, girl?"

"No sir," said Frila, straight faced, "just pricklefish, is all. The spikes hurt like buggery if they get in your hand."

Rinoa bit her lower lip to keep from laughing.

"So Ether giving me a mother of a migraine is just a defence mechanism," said Irvine, looking down at the table to hide his own smile of amusement.

"It seems likely," said Odine, "that your guardian has a natural reaction which enables it to avoid certain others which have an enhanced ability that could cause it harm and potentially pose a threat, whether or not such attributes could actually be used to cause any damage with or without presence of free will on the part of the perpetrator or if indeed your guardian has established the extent of free will or what that free will might lead the individual or beings concerned to act on, with, or about."

"Right," said Irvine, tentatively. "Can I do anything to stop Ether causing me extreme pain whenever Gemini's about?"

"Oh no," scoffed Odine, as if this were perfectly obvious. "Nothing at all."

"What about me?" said Rinoa. "You said Chet used sorceress' magic to enhance Gemini. Isn't there anything I could do?"

"Oh yes, of course," said Odine.

They waited for a moment, before it became apparent that, perversely, Odine was not intending to elucidate.

"What," said Squall through gritted teeth, "could Rinoa do, Odine?"

"Well it's beyond me to anticipate, predict or indeed know what a sorceress' powers might be at any one time or how they may interact or even interchange or be affected by a particular union with a guardian at a specific instance. However, it may also be the case that including within the junction matrix an element of masking of latent talent inasmuch as other guardians are concerned could, as we say, heh, do the trick."

Rinoa looked hopelessly to Kiros.

"I think," said Kiros, "he means you have the power to mask specific parts of Gemini's power from other people or guardians. That's how Ultimecia managed to use Greiver without broadcasting it to all and sundry until it was too late. We don't know much about how it works, but I can send you the research papers."

"Thanks," said Rinoa. "I think."

"Or you could ask Gemini," said Irvine. Odine glared at him again. "Just a thought," he added, casually.

Rinoa's eyes glazed briefly as she communed with her Guardian. 

"Yes," she said eventually. "I think we can work something out." She shot a grateful smile at Irvine. She owed him big time for not having to work through those papers. Odine's writing made his spoken communication seem as straightforward as a shopping list.

"Thank you," said Squall, in his patiently rehearsed polite-Commander voice. "I guess we don't need to take up any more of your time. We have to get to Winhill as soon as we can."

Odine ignored him, staring off into the middle distance and drooling a little.

"Good luck, Squall," said Kiros, extending his arm across the table to shake Squall's hand warmly. "And send our love to Ellone. Tell her Ward and I still miss her. She should visit."

Squall nodded, although he was sure his half-sister would decline the invitation. Like Rinoa, she had bad memories of Esthar. 

"And don't let Laguna give you any trouble," Kiros added, with a wink.

* * * * * * *

Laguna looked up from his keyboard and gave Zell a grin. 

"Hey," he said. "You're up early."

Zell shrugged. "Never bothered to go to sleep," he said. "I'm kinda hyper, after all the fighting last night."

"I'd noticed that," said Laguna. "Anything I can do for you?"

"I wanted to say thank you," said Zell, perching on the corner of Squall's desk. "For what you've done for Quistis."

Laguna felt a flush rise up his cheeks, and a familiar pain shot up his calf muscle. "It's fine," he grimaced. "I haven't done anything, really."

"You have," said Zell, his face unusually still, pale blue eyes soft and sincere. "None of us could get through to her. She's been in a dark place for the longest time. I didn't know what to do."

"I didn't do anything special," he insisted. "She maybe just needed someone to talk to who didn't know her so well."

"I was scared," said Zell. "She's been depressed before, but…"

"Did Squall… what did Squall think about it?" said Laguna, eager to change the subject a little, pressing his foot hard on the floor under the desk to try and relieve the cramp. 

Zell shrugged. "Well, you know Squall," he said.

__

Not as well as I'd like, thought Laguna. _Not as well as you do._ "Did he notice?" 

Zell looked at the floor. "Not really. But then, it's not his job, you know. He has so much on his mind, with the Dia and all, and him and Rinoa… it's not his fault. He's not good with people."

"No," said Laguna, sadly. "And I guess I've only myself to blame for that."

"He's much better than he was, though," Zell soothed. "He tries really hard. And, like I say, it's not his job."

"It shouldn't be about work. Quistis is his friend."

"Well… yes. But he's her Commander, too. I think Squall finds that difficult, sometimes, with all of us."

"Even Rinoa?"

"Oh yes," said Zell, with certainty. "Especially Rinoa."

Laguna considered for a moment. "I guess I can see that," he said eventually. "But she's good for him, isn't she?"

"It's a bit early to tell," said Zell. "They've only been together a couple of weeks, and gods know I'm no expert. But they've been through a lot together. And he makes her happy. So… I hope it works out for them."

Laguna recognised something in Zell's wistful expression, and smiled to himself.

"Meanwhile," he said, "we have work to do. I think we're due for an appointment with Cadet Almasy, aren't we?"

The remnants of sadness swiftly faded from Zell's face at that thought, to be replaced by a bright grin.

"Too right," he said, and leapt to his feet, once more his usual hyperactive self. "I can't tell you how long I've been looking forward to this."

* * * * * * *

"I'll go tell Selphie we're ready to go," said Irvine. "Is the Ragnarok here yet?"

Squall nodded. "We'll leave in half an hour," he said. "But first, we need to tell Selphie, about Xu."

"Are you sure?" said Rinoa. "Do you think she's strong enough? I mean, Bane and Chet have been messing with her head, and for her to find out that Xu was junctioned to Bane first and…"

"It's always better to know," said Squall, firmly. "You were right to stop me last night, I agree. But she has to know before we get back to Garden. None of us should keep secrets, especially at a time like this. It's dangerous. Our minds are fucked up enough as it is."

Irvine regarded Squall thoughtfully, surprised at the passion behind his words. But then he could understand Squall's point of view; if Xu hadn't kept things from him maybe they wouldn't be under the threat of war from an enemy they knew so little about. Squall had never liked to play with a blind deck.

"Let me tell her, then," Rinoa was saying. "It'll be easier coming from me."

"Thanks," said Squall, with obvious relief. "I'll be on the Ragnarok if you need me."

"Could you pick up my stuff, Rin, while you're with Selphie?" said Irvine. "And Hotshot, could you go by the medlab and pick up Selphie's medication? I need a few minutes with Squall."

Squall looked at him in surprise, but he didn't say anything. 

Rinoa and Frila set off to their respective duties, leaving Squall and Irvine alone in the huge lobby.

"What is it?" said Squall. 

"Let's get on the Ragnarok," said Irvine. "I'll tell you about it then."

Squall's eyes flickered over Irvine's face with a kind of wary curiosity, but he kept his silence and led them to the space dock.

* * * * * * *

"So Irvy's shagging the cadet, then," said Selphie with a wry grin, folding his T-shirt carefully before stuffing it into his kit bag. 

"Selphie!" exclaimed Rinoa, "of course not, he's…"

"You can't lie to me, Rin," said Selphie, "I know him too well. I could see it in his eyes, last night. He was mighty keen to go sleep on her 'floor'. And he wouldn't use Galbadian special mix elixir just for wanking." She pointed to the mostly empty bottle on the nightstand.

"He loves you," said Rinoa, suppressing her curiosity as to what might be so special about Galbadian elixir. "I don't know what he's playing at with Frila, to be honest, but he still loves you."

"How did he take it, when you told him about Xu and me?"

Rinoa considered for a minute. "Badly," she said. "He was really upset. But then you were missing, and… there was lots of other stuff going on. He and Xu haven't been getting on too well for a while."

Selphie looked up sharply. She looked much more like her old self, Rinoa noticed. Her eyes were quick and alert, and there was more of a sense of optimism about her. 

Which made what Rinoa had to tell her all the harder.

"Because of me?" Selphie asked.

"No, no, it was before that. Look, Selphie, there's something I have to tell you about Xu."

"Is she alright?"

"She's… well, she's okay. She's been worried sick about you, of course. But there's something else. She was the one who found Bane. It had been in her head and…"

Selphie looked down at Irvine's bag, running her thumb gently over the strap. "I know," she said, softly. "Chet told me."

Rinoa stared at her, dumbstruck for a moment.

"He said she betrayed me," Selphie continued. "Do you think that's true?"

Rinoa shook her head. "Never," she said. "She loves you."

"So does Irvine, like you said." Selphie sat down on the bed. "And he did. Betray me."

Rinoa reached out and took Selphie's hand, squeezing as reassuringly as she could. "We don't know that for certain. And even if it's true… Xu was desperately worried about you. I've never seen her fall apart like that. I'm sure she wouldn't have done anything to hurt you."

Selphie sighed. "It felt like I'd lost everything, Rin," she said. "I was so certain, when he told me, that I was completely alone, that I'd lost everything. Everyone."

"Well, ask yourself, who do you trust? An evil megalomaniac with a guardian that feeds on fear and anger, or your friends who've fought beside you for years, who love you and care for you and would go to the ends of the earth to see you happy?"

Selphie didn't answer, looking down at her hand in Rinoa's with sad eyes.

"Come on," said Rinoa, getting up from the bed and pulling Selphie with her. "Let's get Irvine's stuff together and get out of this place. Maybe Ellone can help us sort this mess out once and for all."

* * * * * * *

Squall leaned against the Ragnarok's navigation panel, and folded his arms across his chest.

Irvine stood rather awkwardly in front of him, hat in one hand, smoothing his hair with the other and wondering where to start.

"Well?" said Squall, looking faintly amused at Irvine's embarrassment.

"I promised no more secrets," said Irvine. "And I meant it."

"Yes?" Squall's eyes narrowed slightly, grey turned to a penetrating silver-blue.

Irvine felt his resolve start to crumble under Squall's rapt attention.

"Fuck, Squall, you can be damn intimidating sometimes, you know that?"

"It kind of goes with the territory, Irvine. It usually helps me do what I have to do."

"Well, it's not helping me."

Squall tried, with little success, to soften his gaze. "Just tell me, Irvine. What have you done?"

"What makes you think…" started Irvine, briefly indignant. But of course, Squall was right. "I've been sleeping with Frila," he said in a rush, lowering his eyes to avoid the steely glare, darting just the swiftest of looks to gauge Squall's reaction.

"Oh," said Squall, surprised, but not, apparently, furious.

"I know it's stupid," said Irvine, "and I know you'll have to do something about it, so…"

"Why?" frowned Squall.

"Um… she's only fifteen," Irvine explained. "And she's a cadet. We're not supposed to…"

"Really?" Squall seemed nonplussed by this piece of news. "I hadn't thought about it."

Irvine took a moment to absorb this gap in Squall's experience.

"You're not going to tell me you fucked your instructors when you were a cadet, are you?"

"No, of course not," said Squall crossly. "It never came up, is all. I only… I never thought of any instructors that way. And since I graduated, I was so wrapped up with Rinoa…"

"What, not even Quistis?" Irvine couldn't resist a smirk. "You never had a wet dream about Quistis Trepe?"

"No. Why, should I have?"

"Well you must be the only man in Garden who hasn't," Irvine said with genuine amazement. 

"This is getting a little off topic, isn't it?" said Squall, bringing Irvine's discomfort sharply back into focus.

"It just kind of happened," said Irvine. "I was lonely, and she's really good with Ether. She's…"

"What an I supposed to do about it?" Squall interrupted. "Am I supposed to give you a warning, or something?"

"You're supposed to fire me," said Irvine. "And you can chuck her out of Garden, if you want. So I was going to resign, only I thought so long as I told you now then I could work out notice, so you could still use me while we go through all this, and please, don't kick her out. She's been through a lot and she doesn't…"

"Hang on," said Squall, his glare verging on icy all of a sudden. "You're telling me that I'm supposed to get rid of you, _you_, when we're facing fuck-knows what and you're the best sniper, one of our best, most intelligent SeeDs, and my best fucking _friend_… you're telling me I should fire you because of who you're sleeping with?"

Irvine gulped. "It's the regs," he said, weakly. 

"Now you sound like Quistis."

"Squall, I'm sorry, I know this is a headache you don't need, but I didn't want you to find out later and… I didn't want any secrets."

"Who else knows?"

"Um… just Rin. She … caught us, yesterday. That's the other reason I had to tell you. I don't want her keeping secrets from you on my account."

"Oh, Irvine," Squall sighed. 

"I know I should have been stronger," said Irvine. "I did try, really I did, but I was so lonely, and she's fucking hot, and … what? Are you… man, are you smiling?"

The corner of Squall's mouth twitched. 

"Squall…"

"You sound like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar," said Squall, a faint trace of laughter in his voice.

"Well, I feel like I put myself up for court martial," said Irvine, plaintively.

"I'm not going to fire you, you daft wanker."

"No?"

"Just try not to hurt anyone," said Squall. "Including yourself."

It began to dawn on Irvine that Squall really was more amused than mad.

"And don't let anyone else catch you. Especially Quistis. Alright?"

Irvine nodded mutely.

"She's a good gunblader," said Squall, "she has it in her to be one of the best. Try and help her do that."

Irvine nodded again.

"And you're right," Squall turned to the controls, hiding the smirk that was spreading across his lips, and flicked the switches to set Ragnarok for standby. "She is fucking hot."

Irvine stared at Squall, slack-jawed, for a moment.

"But if you tell Rinoa I said that," Squall added, "I'll personally ram Lionheart up your arse, okay?"

"Yes," squeaked Irvine. "Got that."

There was a clattering noise from the deck below them.

"That'll be the others," said Squall, "it's time to go to Winhill."

"Squall, I…" 

"I'm not going to tell you how to live your life," Squall's voice dipped low and quiet. "I asked the impossible of you yesterday, and you did it for me, even though you must have hated me for it. I know you'd do it again tomorrow if I asked. If you're happy, and Frila's happy, well, good luck to you. Fuck knows you deserve it, after all you've been through."

Irvine struggled to speak past the lump in his throat. "Thank you," he said.

Squall looked back at Irvine over his shoulder. He was smiling, that small genuine smile that set hearts fluttering all over Garden and beyond. 

There was a loud thud from the doorway, as Selphie dropped Irvine's bag unceremonially to the metal floor. 

"Oooh," she said, green eyes shining, fear settling into Squall's heart as he realised what she was about to say. "Can I drive?"

* * * * * * *

Irvine watched Squall and Ellone talking in a mist of cherry blossom, and thought how alike they were. There was a family resemblance, of course, but more than that: every now and then there was a gesture, a movement, a glance that belonged to both of them. Squall was open and relaxed with her in a way he wasn't with anyone else, not even Rinoa. 

It was beautiful to watch.

They were walking towards them now, smiling identical, reserved little smiles.

"We can start whenever we're all ready," said Squall. "Rin? Irvine?"

They both nodded.

"Okay," said Ellone. "You remember how it works? Let's sit down, just close your eyes and let me take it from there."

They did as she asked. Squall sat cross-legged on the grass and pulled Rinoa down in front of him, folding his arms around her middle. Comforting.

Irvine lowered himself gracefully to the ground and lay back, fixing his eyes on the brilliant blue sky, patched here and there with the slowly drifting blossom.

He felt Rinoa reach out and take his hand, and then he fell asleep.

* * * * * * *

He was in his own body, but he wasn't controlling it. It was as if he were watching himself; unable to do anything, but feeling what his former self had felt just as close up and real as he had the first time. 

He was on the Island Closest to Hell, with Rinoa and Squall, and they were killing a Blue Dragon. 

He was wearing his favourite green shirt. The one Selphie had given him for his eighteenth birthday, just a few weeks earlier.

The dragon was almost dead.

Irvine felt something.

"Squall, did you hear that?" he lowered his rifle for a moment, concentrating.

"Hear what?"

"There's something… can you scan, Rinoa?"

__

~scan~

"It's a Guardian, Irvy! It's called Ether!"

The name rang a bell in Irvine's mind, and he knew he had to call it.

"Squall? Can I take it?" 

Squall shot him a look: Irvine had never asked for a Guardian before, just taken whatever Squall had given him, drawn what he'd been told to draw. "Sure," he said. "Go ahead."

Irvine took aim, targeting the dragon for what would inevitably be the last shot.

"Ether! Be with me!"

__

~Sniper.~

It took Irvine a moment to realise that the Guardian was projecting its voice straight into his head. Squall was looking quizzically at him, clearly curious as to why the Guardian hadn't, apparently, answered Irvine's call.

"It's a telepath," said Irvine, "I can hear it in here." He tapped the side of his head.

__

~You wish me to be with you?~

There was none of the fury or aggression of the other Guardians Irvine had subdued. This felt more like an invitation, like meeting someone in a bar and asking them back for coffee.

__

~Yes~ He thought.

__

~It will be an honour, Sniper.~

There was a rush of power like Irvine had never felt before; energy flooding through his veins like elixir, and a feeling that was familiar and yet…

"You okay, Irvine?" yelled Squall, about to charge to finish the dragon.

"Fine," Irvine replied, his voice coming out as a squeak, as he tried to work out just why his dick had suddenly gone rock hard and was putting the zipper of his jeans under considerable strain. 

He took the shot, killing the dragon before Squall had even started his attack.

"Yes!" he punched the air triumphantly, as if he'd just killed Ultimecia herself.

Squall looked at him curiously. "How's the Guardian?" he asked. 

"Fine," said Irvine, calming a little and surreptitiously adjusting his pants. "Just… fine." The feelings were settling now to a quiet exhilaration, and Ether's voice was a gentle purr in the back of his mind, like a ship's engine. 

"You want to go ahead and junction?" asked Squall.

"OK."

Irvine slipped Shiva and Siren out of junction, hardly noticing the loss in his current state of euphoria. Ether slipped into junction like a key in a well-oiled lock, and Irvine felt the energy run through him like elixir, warming his bones and relaxing his muscles. He explored the balance of magic, shifting combinations of Ether's power and his own, lost in the maze of new possibilities an empathic guardian could offer him. Ether's voice murmured in his head, soothing and sensual, suggesting the most effective ways to construct the junction, patiently explaining its needs. 

Irvine felt a strange kind of relief that he'd found a guardian that fed off happiness and affection; that didn't care much for conflict and detested anger, and thrilled with the knowledge that it had more power than Irvine had ever tasted, except in an enemy. The junction was strong right from the start, and just got stronger as they explored each other. It felt a little like falling in love.

When he finally opened his eyes, the sun was starting to dip over the mountains. He'd completely lost track of time. Squall and Rinoa sat on a nearby ridge, holding hands and watching the sunset. 

He suddenly wished Seffie was there, only to thrill at the realisation that he'd see her in just a few hours. She'd been in Trabia far too long, as far as he was concerned. Ether shifted in his mind a little, curious to know more about Irvine's love, and Irvine had his suspicions, then, as to what might be Ether's favourite food.

It didn't bother him, though. If anything, it just made their bond all the stronger. Irvine fully intended to spend every spare minute of the rest of his life making love with Selphie, and if it made his Guardian happy, well, so much the better.

He stretched contentedly, enjoying the late afternoon breeze on his skin, and the general feeling of horniness that washed over his body and clouded his mind. He called out to Squall and Rinoa to let them know he was okay, and suggested they headed back to Garden. Rinoa threw him a smile and got to her feet, brushing dust from her unsuitable-for-fighting-but-incredibly-hot short denim skirt, and headed towards him, leaving Squall still gazing at the sunset, deep in thought.

Then Irvine noticed the T-Rex.

It was emerging from the undergrowth to Squall's left, but it was Rinoa it had it's beady little eyes on. Irvine yelled to them both to watch out, not realising at first that he made no sound.

His mind thrust itself into Rinoa's and Squall's without warning, sending shocks through all three of them. In that instant Irvine understood his friends completely, not hearing their thoughts but sensing their feelings, Rinoa's panic and Squall's fierce anger, and underneath, their love, for each other and for Irvine himself. It felt like a junction, a deepening, strengthening bond, and even as he shouted the alarm from his mind to theirs, he was starting to probe deeper, to taste thoughts and memories...

__

~Sniper, withdraw. You will hurt.~

Startled, Irvine pulled his mind back instantly. 

__

~I'm sorry, Ether, I…~

Then he realised Rinoa hadn't moved. The T-Rex was on her and she simply panicked. She could have used her magic and killed it at a stroke, but she seemed petrified with fear; she just stood there, and started to scream, the sound of it galvanising Squall and Irvine to action. 

They finished the beast with a few shots and one charge, blood gushing from the wound Lionheart inflicted at its neck to soak the ground as it fell.

Rinoa fell to her knees and started to throw up; Squall held back her hair, gently rubbed her back and soothed her, but Irvine could sense the irritation he was doing his best to hide. 

__

Poor Rin. She can't help it I guess, that she's so feeble, Irvine thought. _ She should be going to parties and worrying about dresses. It's not her fault. She's not like us._

~No.~ Irvine started at the sound of Squall's thoughts in his head. ~_She's a fucking sorceress. She has to learn, whether she likes it or not; after all, no-one gave us the choice. I just wish she'd make more of an effort...~ _

They stared at each other in amazement for a second, then Rinoa looked up at them, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, confused and hurt. 

__

~You bastards!~ came Rinoa's voice in his mind. She dragged herself to her feet, tears springing to her eyes. "You bastards!" she said, out loud.

__

~Sniper… it hurts… I weaken…~

Irvine's head was spinning; he juggled desperately with Rinoa's anguish, with Squall's irritation, with his Guardian's pain and his own confusion. By the time he'd looked up again they were already walking away: Rinoa running back to the Ragnarok, Squall going after her with long strides. 

Irvine waited until they'd gone inside before he followed.

* * * * * * *

The older, wiser Irvine felt a mixture of emotions at these memories. And they were memories: nothing here was completely new, he realised. He'd always remembered that euphoric first junction with Ether, and Rinoa freezing in front of the T-Rex. But of course in the past he'd thought he'd known she and Squall weren't together then, so there was no romantic sunset. It had been Irvine who had comforted Rinoa as she crouched, heaving and retching over the monster's corpse, while Squall stormed off to the Ragnarok in disgust.

And he hadn't been looking forward to seeing Seffie at all; her rejection of him was too fresh in his mind, in that other, imaginary past, and Ether had flinched from the deep pain Irvine felt at losing her.

Imaginary.

Irvine watched his young self follow Rinoa and Squall aboard the Ragnarok, and knew he was watching the truth.

* * * * * * *


	30. Recall

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

OK, you probably know the drill by now. If you want the full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended, it's on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ The version below has been censored in line with ffnet policy because I'm a scaredy cat ^_^_

Still welcoming the feedback, by the way, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

__

************************************************************

****

Chapter 30 - Recall

They were silent all the way back to Garden. 

Irvine kept himself separate from the others, partly to soothe Ether, and partly to give them some space, but Squall was locked in his own dark mood, and Rinoa was mostly crying. Irvine wanted badly to knock some sense into both of them, but didn't know where to start.

Ether was hungry.

His Guardian explained to him that mind-to-mind contact took enormous amounts of energy, and formed a bond that wouldn't fade for hours, maybe even days; that even now it was draining Ether, more so because the emotions that flowed between the three of them were so painful. Irvine sat on the cold metal floor of the Ragnarok with his forehead on his knees, and thought of Selphie, hoping that it might soothe Ether, or him, or both of them. It did, a little. 

But not nearly enough.

They arrived at Garden, and Irvine found himself following them to Squall's quarters. Of course, they'd already half-arranged to play cards while they waited for Selphie to arrive from Trabia, and then they were all going to go for a night out in Balamb. But more than that, Irvine found the idea of leaving them, of going back to his own room, alone, was uncomfortable in the extreme. He felt responsible for all of this, he wanted to put things right. 

Rinoa grabbed a change of clothes from a drawer and ran sobbing to the bathroom, locking herself in. Squall threw his jacket in a corner and stalked to the kitchen. 

"Beer?" he barked.

"Thanks," said Irvine, hanging his hat and coat up neatly, resting his rifle against the wall next to Squall's gunblade case. Angelo emerged, yawning, from the bedroom and bounded enthusiastically to Irvine's side, tail pounding against his legs as Irvine roughly petted his deep fur. 

Squall returned with a beer for himself and one for Irvine, and threw himself on the sofa, hooking one leg over the arm. He looked steadily at Irvine, grey eyes smouldering through ragged, bangs. His lips were slightly parted, and moist where they'd been wrapped around the cold beer bottle. 

Irvine's heart pounded in his chest. He was struggling to find his voice. 

He took a long draw on his beer and tried to think of something to say that might actually make sense. 

"I don't know how to deal with her," said Squall.

Irvine crossed to the sofa and sat down next to him, pulling the band off his pony tail, working his fingers through some of the tangles in his auburn mane.

"She's only young," he said. "Give her time, Squall."

"She's the same age as us, give or take," said Squall. 

"But she hasn't lived as much. She's been well cared for and sheltered, like we should have been. It's not her that's screwed up, Squall, it's us."

Squall glowered at him. All Irvine could think was how incredibly sexy he looked: all black leather and attitude and eyes and hair. He took a gulp of beer and Irvine could see his tongue running round the rim of the bottle.

Ether was humming more strongly in his mind now, but still felt pitifully weak.

"What _was_ that?" said Squall. "Back there, I heard you in my mind, and Rin. Was that Ether?"

Irvine nodded. "It was an accident, though. I just wanted to warn you, and it… happened."

"That could be really useful in battle," said Squall. 

"I know," said Irvine, " but there are side effects. It's made Ether really weak."

"Shit. Is it alright?"

"I think… but it's hungry."

"D'you want to go to the training centre for a while? A few grats might help."

Irvine shook his head. "It doesn't feed off combat," he said. "It likes… happiness, I think. Happy feelings." _Selphie'll be here soon._ He thought._ She's bound to make it happy. She makes everyone happy._

"Oh." Squall fell into quiet contemplation again, and they sat in silence for a while. 

Irvine could feel Squall's anger fading, turning to something more like worry.

Rinoa returned from the shower, her eyes still a little puffy from crying. She wore a blue skirt, short as usual, and a matching strappy top that clung to her full breasts. She dabbed at her dripping hair with a towel.

"I'm sorry," she said, in a very small voice. "I know I'm useless. I was just so scared…"

Squall pulled her onto his lap, and offered her his beer; she wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Doesn't go with toothpaste," she said.

"Wuss," said Squall, but with affection in his voice.

She dropped the towel on the floor and cuddled up to Squall's chest, her little naked feet wriggling down into thin gap between Squall's thigh and Irvine's. 

Irvine should have felt like a gooseberry, but somehow he didn't. Rinoa smiled at him, and Squall watched him steadily, his eyes softer now. It felt right, to be there with them. Natural. How things should be. 

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

Irvine frowned.

"What's up?" asked Rinoa. 

"Oh, nothing," Irvine replied. "I thought… Ether's a bit weak. I guess that mind link or whatever it was isn't something I'll be doing every day."

"It was very… intense," said Rinoa. "Mmm… that's nice."

Irvine realised with a shock that he was absentmindedly stroking her ankle, gently probing the tired tendons, caressing her still-damp skin. His eyes darted guiltily up at Squall, but there was nothing in Squall's expression that suggested outrage. 

He looked away as Squall dipped his head to kiss Rinoa, thinking briefly that he should go back to his own room and leave the two of them alone.

He didn't want to. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to be with them.

Both of them. Like Duck and Zef, in the old days.

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

~What, Ether? What do you want?~

~Sniper. Lion. Sorceress.~

Irvine felt Squall's fingers threading through his hair, tugging gently, pulling him closer. He turned in surprise, and his eyes met Rinoa's just before her lips were on his, her hand joining Squall's, pulling him into her kiss.

__

It must be the link. We're still bound together. I should tell them…

She sucked his tongue into her mouth; she tasted of toothpaste and smelt of the ocean, fresh and salty.

He pulled back with a gasp, blinking at her; he could still feel Squall's hand cupping the base of his skull, his fingers stroking reassuringly though Irvine's hair. 

"What…" Irvine managed, before Rinoa distracted him with another kiss; this time abandoning Squall's lap to kneel astride Irvine's thighs, winding her arms around his neck.

There was a creak of leather, and when Irvine opened his eyes he saw Squall, standing behind Rinoa now, gently massaging her shoulders and watching him.

"I think this is Ether," said Irvine. "I don't think…"

"Shhh," said Rinoa. "Feels good…"

"Squall?" Irvine looked up, aware that his resistance was fading; all he wanted to do was abandon himself to the sensation of Rinoa, writhing slowly now in his lap, to Squall's fingertips twining themselves though his as they both caressed Rinoa's hair.

Squall's eyes flashed silver for a second, with a hint of uncertainty.

"What are we doing?" breathed Irvine.

Squall leaned over Rinoa's shoulder and kissed him.

His mouth was soft, a little hesitant at first, moving across Irvine's cautiously, barely brushing lips to lips, and then as his confidence grew so his kiss became firmer and more passionate, until he had stolen Irvine's breath completely and Irvine's heart felt as if it were trying to beat its way out of his chest.

He pulled back, gasping for air, and saw the heat in Squall's eyes. 

__

~Want. Need. Take.~

There was a reason he shouldn't do this, he knew there was. But he wanted it so, so badly. As much as he loved Selphie, she seemed irrelevant, nothing to do with what he was feeling, what he wanted at that moment. She'd never know. It didn't matter. All that mattered was this, here, now, them. 

~_Sniper, Lion, Sorceress.~_

~Ether?~

~Want. Need. Take.~ 

"I don't understand this," said Squall, his voice deep, resonant, sexy as dark chocolate, "but I want you. Both of you. Now."

Irvine swallowed hard, searching Rinoa's deep brown eyes, hardly daring to breathe.

"Me too," she whispered. "Irvy?"

Irvine managed, barely, to nod.

"Bedroom," said Squall.

Rinoa slithered off Irvine's lap and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. They followed Squall to the bedroom, Ether's song rich in Irvine's mind, and stood, a little awkwardly, by the bed. 

"I've never done anything like this before," said Rinoa, shyly. "Have you?"

"Kind of." Squall's eyes flickered to Irvine briefly. "But not exactly."

Irvine smiled hesitantly. "Yeah," he admitted. "Once or twice." _All the time, at Galbadia, when Duck and Zef were about. _Then, seeing their slightly anxious looks, seeking reassurance, "it'll be fine," he added. "Trust me. Rin, come lie down. Just relax. Let us make you feel good." 

Rinoa lay obediently on the bed, and Irvine knelt to one side of her, indicating to Squall that he should kneel on the other. She looked up at him, a little nervous.

"We'll just take it slow, to start," Irvine soothed. "Just relax, babe. We're gonna make you feel so good…"

He lay one broad palm over her tummy, moving in small circles, and brushed her hair back from her neck and shoulders, clearing the way for him to explore the pale flesh with his lips and tongue. Squall leaned across to cover Rinoa's mouth with his, and Irvine felt the soft brush of Squall's hair against his cheek, heard the faintest of moans, deep in Squall's throat, and Rinoa's breath coming faster and faster.

Irvine pushed her vest up a little, continuing to stroke her belly, skin to skin now, feather-light. She fluttered under him, raising her hips just a bit to welcome his touch; he felt their desire, Rinoa's and Squall's, not just an echo through their response, but real, first hand, in his very being, twisting around his own senses, and he knew that they felt his, the three of them bound together by Ether's song. 

From that moment everything felt easy and natural. Squall and Irvine worked together to slowly strip Rinoa's clothes from her body, watching each other as they kissed and caressed her, grey eyes on violet. There was none of the fumbling, accidental bumping into each other that Irvine usually found inevitable with multi-partner sex, no false moves. They instinctively knew what the other was about to do and complemented it: Squall running his hands up Rinoa's thighs while Irvine cupped a breast and took a nipple between firm lips; Irvine trailing the back of his hand from her collarbone to her navel while Squall followed with his tongue, not stopping when he reached Irvine's fingers, but sucking them into his mouth. Rinoa pulled first Irvine and then Squall down to kiss, a faint blush spreading across her cheekbones as Irvine dipped his fingers between her legs for the first time. 

She gave up her passivity then, and took on a passion which belonged to the older, wiser Rinoa. She undid Irvine's soft cotton shirt and pushed it over his shoulders, attacked the fastenings of Squall's belts and pants as he helped Irvine out of his jeans. It was getting harder to tell where one of them ended and another began; Irvine prided himself on his skill as a lover, and had a hundred ways of finding out what turned his partner on, but this certainty threatened to overwhelm him. He gloried in it, anticipating and fulfilling their needs and fantasies before they were even fully formed in their own minds. They were doing the same, he realised, sharing themselves completely with him, open, unguarded, gathering him in their arms and including him, welcoming him, touching him where he needed to be touched, kissing him where he longed to be kissed, showing him how beautiful they were together, ivory skin and lean muscle. They pulled him into their passion and let him drown himself in it, raven hair tumbling with soft brown and toffee-copper, all touch and tongue and bliss.

The knowing made it so easy, so right, so good.

Irvine heard a voice in his head, as sweet as honey and smooth as silk, that he wanted to hear forever.

__

~Sniper, Lion, Sorceress. You are magnificent.~

* * * * * * *

Irvine woke briefly, in the flower field at Winhill, and felt Rinoa's fingers digging painfully into his palm. He let her nails sink into his flesh, drawing blood, without so much as a twitch.

He opened his eyes and saw Ellone, sitting perfectly still against a backdrop of spring flowers, a faint blush on her pale cheeks.

"Later," she murmured. "Just a little later…"

He drifted back to meet his nightmare.

* * * * * * *

They lay in a heap for a moment, stunned. 

He couldn't feel them anymore, he couldn't tell what they were thinking, and he was paralysed for an instant by the loss. Then he realised that Squall was wriggling out from underneath him, desperate to get away. He shot one brief, tortured look at Irvine as he slid off the bed, trembling all over, looking suddenly young and pale and thin. 

He fled towards the bathroom, his eyes clouded with panic; confused, hurt.

Irvine could hear Rinoa crying, twisting in the space Squall had left between them to hunch into a ball. "I'm sorry," she muttered to herself, her hands curled to fists and held over her face, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

__

Selphie. Oh, gods, Selphie, what have I done?

Irvine wanted more than anything else at that moment to escape, to get into his clothes and back to his room as fast as he possibly could. But he looked down at Rinoa, curled up fragile, broken beside him, and knew he couldn't leave. He scooped her into his arms and held her, rocking her trembling body gently back and forth, breathing reassurance into her hair.

"Shhh… babe, shhhh… it'll be alright. Shhh… I'm sorry, babe, I'm sorry…"

His clouded mind struggled to make sense of what was happening, of what had happened. For one, awful moment it occurred to him that maybe he'd hallucinated their consent, that Ether had made him think they were willing when… 

He felt Rinoa's arms, vice-tight around his middle, the kiss of her lips to his chest as she muttered her apology over and over, and knew he hadn't imagined it. It had been real, their desire had been real. It wasn't a mistake. It had been, for however long it had lasted, what they all wanted.

"Shhh, Rin, shhhh… it's okay…"

"No," she whispered, breaking her mantra, "it's not. It'll never be okay, ever again, ever, ever again…"

"I'll talk to Squall," said Irvine, "we're just a bit freaked out, is all. It's just Ether, I think he… the link… I don't know. But we can fix this. I promise."

"Selphie's my best friend," Rinoa wailed. "She's the only person in the whole of Garden who doesn't think I'm a waste of space! How could I do this to her?"

Irvine paused in his rocking as the knife twisted in his heart. Everything went very, very still, and guilt hung in the air like noxious smoke, suffocating. 

The door opened in slow motion, and he clutched Rinoa's naked body to his as he watched Selphie shatter in front of his eyes. 

He released Rinoa numbly from his arms; she scrabbled into her skirt and top, all the time telling Selphie how sorry she was. Selphie just stood there, looking from him to Rinoa and back again, the hurt on her face unbearable. Then it turned to anger, cold, hard anger, something so rare in Selphie's usually sunny expression that Irvine didn't recognise it at first.

"If you don't get the fuck out of here I'm going to hit you," she told Rinoa. "And I won't stop until you're dead."

"Selphie, no, it's not her fault." Irvine was about to spring from the bed, but Rinoa threw magic at him, so fast he couldn't reflect. For a minute he thought he'd frozen just from the shock, but it dawned on him gradually that she'd put a hold spell on him.

"Do what you want," said Rinoa. "I deserve it."

"Leave," said Selphie. "I won't warn you again."

__

Go away, for fuck's sake run, you stupid girl!

There was enough of the bond left that she heard him, whether he meant her to or not: he could see it in the quick flash of anger through her eyes. But she refused to move. Irvine started to gather a counterspell, but it was too late.

Selphie shrugged with a chilling casualness. "Whatever," she said, and launched herself at Rinoa in complete fury, throwing a series of kicks and punches that would have made Zell proud.

Rinoa just took it, barely shielding herself from Selphie's blows. 

Irvine finally managed to break the spell, and yelled at Selphie to stop.

To his surprise, she did. 

Rinoa sobbed and ran from the room, leaving them alone; Selphie stared at him in disgust.

"It's not how it looks, Seffie," he said, hopelessly, knowing she would never believe him.

"Do you have any idea how pathetic that sounds?" 

He just looked at her, trying to think.

"I should have known," she said. "They all warned me about you."

She was still brimming with anger, and Irvine could hear Rinoa calling to Squall; she still hadn't left. _Stupid girl._

"Seffie, please, I would never hurt you on purpose. I love you. I found this Guardian today and it feeds off emotion, and…"

She stared incredulously at him. "A Guardian made you fuck my best friend? Shit, Irvine, that is just so lame. I can't believe you. I thought we were different, I thought…"

"We are," said Irvine, pleading now. "Please, Seffie, I love you more than anything, please..."

"I don't love you," she said. "Not enough for… not enough."

She turned and ran after Rinoa.

He followed her to the living area to see her chasing Rinoa from Squall's apartment. He heard the lock click into place, and realised then that he was trapped, he had no idea what the code was. He heard footsteps, and a scream, a thud.

Ether was shifting uncomfortably in his mind; he pulled out of the junction suddenly, falling heavily to his knees with the sudden loss. He junctioned Shiva instead, welcoming the calmness she brought to him, the subtle strength, familiar and comforting. He had to get out of here, to explain. Once they knew about Ether, they'd understand… 

He started to get dressed, finding his jeans, socks, boots. He picked up his shirt from the floor and found himself slumping onto the bed, just staring at the soft cotton in his hands, his chest aching. 

He couldn't wear it. 

He pulled Squall's t-shirt over his head instead, a little tight over his broader shoulders than over Squall's, but wearable, and went to find its owner. Somewhere in the confusion of his mind he knew that Rinoa was in danger, and if he let Selphie hurt her badly he'd never forgive himself. 

Squall was still in the bathroom, shower water running endlessly, and it took an age to get him to open the door. When he finally did he wouldn't look Irvine in the eye. His face was cold, impassive, as lifeless as when Irvine had first met him. Even the news that they had to stop Selphie from hurting Rinoa didn't seem to make much of an impact.

By the time they and found Rinoa, Quistis had saved her and she was in the Infirmary. Selphie had vanished. Squall stalked back to his quarters without a word.

Irvine stayed with Rinoa for a while not knowing what else to do. He smoothed the raven hair back from her face, spreading it over the starched white pillow, numbed, not even noticing the deep bruises forming on her face from Selphie's attack. Unconscious, she looked as cold and impassive as Squall; all that passion, all the emotion and the knowing gone, stolen from him as quickly as it had been given.

She looked so young, was all he could think. So young.

Eventually Zell came to him, and put an arm around his shoulder, a simple act of kindness so undeserved that it reduced Irvine to tears. He let Zell lead him away from the infirmary, sobbing in his arms like a child.

Later on Zell managed to coax Squall out of his room somehow, and the three of them sat on the balcony by the ballroom, drinking brandy until they were numb.

* * * * * * *

"Irvine?"

Ellone's voice.

"Are you awake?"

He opened his eyes to the blue sky above Winhill, and realised his cheeks were wet. 

"Are you okay, Irvine?"

He propped himself up on his elbows, shaking his head a little. "Yeah," he said. "I think." He realised his hand was empty. "Where's…" he saw Rinoa, a little way off, Squall a short distance from her, perched on the fence, watching her.

"I thought you'd need a while, before we try again," said Ellone, softly.

"Yeah. Are they…"

"I think they just need to take it all in." She twirled a piece of grass between her forefinger and thumb, spring-new and bright green.

"You were there," said Irvine. "It was Ether, wasn't it? Ether made us…"

"I don't think so," said Ellone. "Seems to me Ether was just hungry, and that gave you a different perspective. You weren't to know. GF accidents aren't exactly rare, are they?"

"Well… no." Irvine shuddered inwardly, remembering the first time Squall had junctioned Eden. 

"And as accidents go…" Ellone offered him a little smile he hadn't seen before. 

Except on Squall's lips.

"… it wasn't so bad," admitted Irvine. "If we'd been less fragile, if it had been Duck and Zef with me…"

"Exactly." Ellone reached out and squeezed his hand. "Things were already wrong, weren't they?"

Irvine looked over toward the fence. Rinoa was walking towards Squall; he looked up as she approached.

"Yes," he murmured. "For them. But for me and Selphie…"

He watched as Squall took Rinoa's hand, and kissed it.

"I should be with Selphie," he said. "I should always have been with Selphie."

Rinoa flung her arms around Squall's neck, and hugged him.

"Did I ever get to explain?" asked Irvine. "What would have happened, if… if things hadn't changed?"

"Whenever you're all ready, I'll take you back to find out."

"Thanks," said Irvine. "Are you okay?" he added. "It must have been a bit weird, with Squall being your brother and…"

"It's okay," said Ellone. "It wasn't as bad as… actually the three of you were rather beautiful together."

Irvine didn't say anything, but he knew what she meant.

Rinoa and Squall rejoined them, and Irvine suddenly felt as awkward as if they really had been rutting together like animals a few moments ago. 

"Hey," he said, uncertainly. What if they blamed him? What if it really was his fault? He'd already lost Selphie, he understood that now. But if he'd lost them too…

"I can't believe I forgot that," said Rinoa, softly. 

They sat down, Squall on one side, Rinoa the other. Rinoa took his hand again.

"Gods, did I do that?" she ran her fingers softly over the scratches she'd made in his palm. "I'm sorry, Irvine."

"It's okay." He looked up at her, relieved to see the usual warmth in her eyes. 

"I can't believe I was such a wuss, either," she said, with a wry grin.

Irvine smiled back. "You've come a long way, babe," he said.

"She certainly has," came Squall's low voice. 

"Well, so have you," Rinoa teased, "Ice Prince of Balamb," she snorted.

Squall glared at her.

They were putting themselves back together, Irvine realised. Teasing, testing, rebuilding the rules that bound them to each other.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so, so sorry."

"It wasn't your fault," said Squall, quitely.

"It wasn't just Ether," said Irvine. "I can control him."

"You can _now_," said Rinoa. "It was new to you then. How would you have known what to do then? We didn't even realise what was happening until it was too late."

"We wanted to do it," said Squall. "Like that time after… with me and you. It was real."

"That's right," said Rinoa. "Ether just made it seem… possible. And it was… kind of beautiful," she said, unconsciously echoing Ellone's words. Her hand stroked Irvine's, soothing him. 

Squall turned his eyes to Irvine, soft blue-grey, reflecting the Winhill sky. "It's okay," he said. "Don't blame yourself. It was an accident. What's _really_ wrong is that we didn't remember. We still need to find out how that happened."

"I'm ready when you guys are," said Ellone. 

* * * * * * *

There were a dozen little visions, as Ellone looked for a moment, a time that would tell them what might have been. What should have been.

She finally settled on a night in a club in Balamb.

Squall wasn't there, and neither was Rinoa; she'd gone back to Deling to live with her father a couple of months ago. Irvine was talking to Quistis, just small talk; she'd given up asking what had happened that day to make Selphie try and kill Rinoa, but the resentment stayed with her. If it was punishment to sit there under her icy glare while she criticised him for slacking, being late and missing briefings, it was no more than he deserved

Selphie was getting drunk with Zell. 

She'd finally started to speak to Irvine again, at least in public. She'd be civil to him. But she'd never been interested in his explanations, or willing even to hear him out. Zell had told her about Ether, but it didn't seem to make any difference. As far as she was concerned they were over and done with; he'd betrayed her with her best friend and that was unforgivable, whatever the circumstances. More than that, she'd been waiting for it, all the time they'd been together, she was just waiting for him to live up to his reputation and break her heart.

Zell had tried to persuade Irvine that he should move on, find someone new. Not just to get laid: Irvine had taken the initiative there as soon as he was certain Selphie wouldn't take him back. But he wasn't ready to be with anyone for more than a night. He didn't think he ever would be. 

That night was the night Irvine noticed Xu. He noticed the way she watched Selphie from across the room, how she frowned when Zell bought her another drink, how she suppressed a little smile when Selphie pushed Zell playfully, underestimating her own strength and accidentally toppling him off the stool.

Selphie called over the girl from the library, told her to dance with Zell, ignoring the fact he was blushing clean to his baby-blonde roots. Selphie watched them leave for the dancefloor, signalled the bar tender for another shot. He wouldn't serve her, and she was getting pissed with him when suddenly Xu was there. They spoke quietly, and Xu led her away.

The vision faded.

"That's it," said Ellone.

"What do you mean, that's it?" said Squall. 

"I can't get you anywhere after that. It doesn't work."

"Then the past has been changed," said Squall. "It's not just memories, it's…"

"No, it hasn't," said Ellone. "You can't change the past. But you know you have to have been to a place before you can travel back to it? Well, you have to remember a time, too. This time hasn't existed for you. None of you remember it, so… it doesn't exist. What exists is what you remember."

"When does it stop?" said Squall, urgently. "I need to know the exact moment, for all of us."

There was a pause. 

Fleeting visions: it was ten in the morning. Selphie slept, in Xu's bed. Irvine slept, in the bed of some girl he'd picked up at the party. Rinoa was at school in Deling, taking notes with a look of grim determination on her face. Zell was taking a class in the training centre. Squall was meeting with Quistis, his eyes glazed over some as she explained some bureaucratic process that was required for making sure everyone in Garden had enough uniform socks. 

Xu was in the lab. Xu was glowing with pink light.

Xu held a crystal in each hand, and sang.

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This chapter is for Megan, who has been waiting for it patiently for the longest time, and beta'd for me when her own life is already full-to-brimming. I hope it was worth waiting for :)

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Note: OED entry for a gooseberry in this context = Brit. informal a third person who stays in the company of two people, especially lovers, who would prefer to be alone. Just in case anyone was wondering ^^

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	31. Return

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

OK, you probably know the drill by now. If you want the full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended, it's on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ The version below has been censored in line with ffnet policy because I'm a scaredy cat ^_^_

Thanks to Gwen for the beta ::huggles::

Still welcoming the feedback, by the way, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

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Chapter 31 - Return

Irvine woke with a start. 

"What the fuck was that?" he said, pulling himself up to sitting.

"Damnit, I _knew_ there was something she wasn't telling us," Squall cursed. "I knew it…"

"I can see why she'd want to keep that to herself," said Irvine. "Maybe she really did betray Selphie."

"No," said Rinoa. "I don't think so."

"She was trying to put things right," Ellone suggested. "I think she was just trying to make things better."

Squall snorted. "How does that work, exactly? You had a tough time so I'll just take all the memories away and it won't hurt any more?"

"Well, yes," said Rinoa.

"When did we start stealing memories from each other?" Squall's eyes glinted dangerously, and darted swiftly to Irvine before he could stop himself. "Isn't it bad enough that Guardians do it all the time?"

Irvine felt a swift stab of regret shoot through him; he plucked savagely at the grass in front of him.

"Xu can't have done it by herself," said Rinoa. "Unless the crystals…"

Squall sprang to his feet, brushing stray blossom from his leathers. "We have to get back to Garden and find out right away," he said. 

"I need to talk to Selphie," said Irvine.

"You can do that while we're in the air," said Squall. 

"You need food," said Rinoa, firmly. "You haven't eaten since yesterday. Stay for dinner, like you planned, and we can still be back at Garden by nightfall."

"Please, Squall," came Ellone's quiet voice. "Let's think it through together. I see you so rarely."

Rinoa could see the anger drain from Squall's face at the sound of her voice.

"Okay," he said. "I'm sorry, Sis, it's…"

"You're bound to feel anxious," she said. "But surely you can trust Xu, of all people?"

Irvine got to his feet, and quietly slipped away while the three of them were still discussing if, why and how Xu might have changed the past.

* * * * * * *

"Almasy, what are you doing out of class?"

"Give me a break, Quistis. I'm only having a cig."

Quistis gave him her sternest look over the top of her glasses. He just grinned at her.

"Good to see you've got your glare back, Quisty."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well," Seifer smoothed back his immaculate hair with one hand, "when I arrived you seemed a little… flustered. Quite jumpy."

"I wasn't expecting to have to see you again," she snapped. "It's enough to make anyone jumpy. Now, explain again to me: why aren't you in class, Cadet?" She spat the word at him as an insult. "I would have thought being put on report your first day back would have got the message through even your thick skull. We don't. Take. Slackers."

"Really?" he smirked, lighting a fresh cigarette from the stub of his old one, and blowing the smoke in her face.

She coughed, fanning the noxious fumes away with the fistful of reports she was carrying. 

"Gods, Seifer, when did you start that fucking stupid habit?"

Seifer shrugged. "Went with the being evil, I guess," he said. "And it's really hard to stop," he added, his tone surprisingly genuine.

She gave a harsh little laugh. "So there is something in the world you haven't quit on, then," she said.

"Oh, what a bitch," he taunted. "I never thought you had it in you."

"That's enough, Almasy. If you're not back in class in one minute, it goes on your report card. That's one strike down, two to go, and I'm sure it won't take me long to work up a couple more."

"Ah, well that's where you're wrong, my darling Quisty."

"What do you mean?"

"You're not going to put anything on that report card."

"Why on earth not?"

"Look at it this way. You have your own little report card, don't you? Somewhere in this godsforsaken place there's a little file with 'The Sins of Quistis Trepe' on it, all that secret, personal stuff, all those naughty things you've done over the years. Am I right?"

"What are you getting at, Seifer? I haven't got all day."

"Leonhart doesn't know, does he? About you? About why you were demoted on the very day he reached the heady heights of SeeD?"

She paled, hugging her reports tight across her chest. "He's never going to know," she said. 

"I'm glad you see it that way." Seifer threw his half-smoked cigarette on the floor, grinding it into the tile with his boot heel. "So we're clear, then. No nasty warnings on my report card, eh? And I won't tell Leonhart about yours."

"Are you trying to blackmail me?" she said, her heart sinking.

"Oh yes," his moved closer to her, close enough that she could smell the stench of tobacco on his breath. "And I'm not just trying. It's worked, I know it has. Now, if you don't mind," a cold smile twisted his lips, "I have to go to class."

* * * * * * *

"Hey, Selphie."

She was sitting on the steps outside the pub that used to belong to Raine. She smiled up at Irvine_,_ and patted the brick tile next to her.

"I was just thinking," she said, as he sat down next to her, "Squall was probably conceived in this building."

"That's a weird thought," he said. "I mean, Laguna and Raine…"

"Or maybe it was in the flower fields," said Selphie. "That's more romantic, somehow, and of course the flower field at the orphanage is Squall and Rinoa's special place, so..."

"Elf…" said Irvine gently. "I have to say some stuff."

"Oh. Yeah, 'course. How'd it go?"

"It looks as if it might have been Xu who altered our memories."

"Ah." Her face fell; she rolled her shoulders, trying to ease the sudden tension that had appeared there. "So she did…"

"It looks as though she changed things, the day after she brought you back from that club in Balamb. I guess that's when you got together, huh?"

Selphie gave a little smile. "Yeah," she said. "Both times, it happened like that. That's something, I guess, that she liked it so much she didn't want to change it."

"Selphie, I can't tell you how sorry I am for what I did. Squall and Rinoa are, too, but… I can't believe I fucked it up so badly. You're everything to me, Seffie."

She took his hand in hers, gave it a little squeeze. "I know. It's weird, I… I suppose I feel like I've had a couple of years to get over it in some ways. The memories are more settled now, you know? At first, when it felt like everything was happening at once…" she shivered suddenly. "But now… it's okay. I suppose it was a blessing, in a way, that we didn't have to live through the hurt."

__

I did live through it, thought Irvine. _Not as bad, granted, but it was still painful for me, living without you for two years, hoping and hoping, while all the time you've been with Xu and I didn't even know…_

"What are you going to do?" he asked, watching her tiny thumb brushing against his long, callused trigger-finger.

"I'm going to talk to Xu, and find out what she's done, try and help her put it right," said Selphie.

He took a deep breath.

"I still want you, Selphie. If it doesn't work out with Xu, I'm here. I still love you, and I could make it up to you, if you could just give me a chance."

There was a long pause.

"Nothing's changed, really," she said. "We talked about this a long time ago, and you said you understood."

"But it was different," he said. "When we split up then it wasn't because I'd hurt you, or because you had someone else. You just said you didn't love me. But you did, really. In the other… in the real world, you loved me with all your heart. That was _real_, Selphie." His eyes locked hers, deep pools of violet. "You loved me," he whispered. "I felt it, and it was so… Please, Seffie, let me make it better. Give me another chance."

"Oh, Irvy," she sighed, sadly. "I'm sorry."

He closed his eyes, and slowly slipped his hand out of her grip.

"Yes, we were together," he heard her say, as if from a long way away. "And yes, I loved you. But I can't live in a past I barely understand, and hardly remember. I have to live in the here and now, and the truth is that I'm not in love with you any more, Irvy. I'm in love with Xu."

He pushed his heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears.

Ether wailed so loud in his mind he felt it even without being junctioned.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I should have told you a long time ago."

He rested his forehead on his knees, exhausted despite Siren's energy flowing through him. He needed sleep, he realised. He'd been relying on his Guardians' power to keep him awake for far too long.

"Yes," he said. "It would have been better." 

"I wanted to, or part of me did, it was just…"

"You don't have to explain."

"It must have been hard for you, finding out like that."

"Yeah. Well. Xu and I were having problems anyway, with the incompatibility between Bane and Ether." He noticed a faint tremor pass through her body at the mention of Bane's name - or Ether's. He couldn't tell which. "We kind of sorted it out before we left. Look, if it helps any, she asked me to tell you that she didn't want you to go, and she wishes she could have kept you safe."

Selphie's eyes lit up, gleaming hope. "Really? She said that? That she didn't want me to go?"

"Well, yes," Irvine said. "She said to tell you she loved you, too."

"Oh!" There was real happiness in those beautiful green eyes, for the first time since he'd hugged her goodbye back in Balamb. "Oh, Irvine…"

He wondered why this would be such a revelation, but he didn't say anything.

"I'm sure you two'll be fine," he said, trying to get some of his usual stoicism back into his voice. "And I'll try not to die of loneliness," he teased. 

"You've got Frila," said Selphie.

"Not really, she's not… it's not anything serious. ... anyway, how did you know about that?"

Selphie gave him a look.

"Oh," he said. "That obvious, huh?"

"I know you too well," she said. "And Rinoa gave the game away. She may have changed a lot over the years, but she was still naïve enough to be fooled into thinking I knew already."

He managed a feeble little laugh. "That's another mess," he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "I do like Frila, but… I just wish she wasn't so young and so… illegal."

"Does Squall know?"

"Yeah. I told him, and I tried to resign, but he wouldn't let me."

"That was noble of you."

"Honesty's important," said Irvine. "Especially now."

"Oh." He saw a flash of guilt pass across her face. "Sorry. I would have told you about Xu, only…"

"I didn't mean that," said Irvine, with a little smile. "I was just thinking of Squall." He plunged a hand into his duster pocket, closed around a small box. "Here, this is yours. I finally got round to mending it, while you were away."

She opened the little blue box slowly, a big smile spreading across her face.

"Oh Irvy, my bracelet! Thank you, I'd missed it so!" She flung her arms around him with a delighted squeal.

"It's got a bit of something extra in it," he said. "Just to keep you safe."

"Thank you." She held out her wrist for him to fasten it securely in place. "Oh, Irvy, you're so..."

"Shut up," he said. "You'll make me cry again."

She stroked the mended links at her wrist. "It's beautiful," she said. 

"I'm glad you're pleased." He gracefully stood, adjusting his hat and brushing invisible dirt from his duster. 

"You have to go?"

"Yeah. I thought I'd go find Frila, fill her in some. She gets left out of the loop a bit, if we're not careful."

"It must be hard for her," realised Selphie, "thrown in with us, and all this baggage and history that's nothing to do with her."

"Yes," said Irvine. "And I think I owe her some explanations."

* * * * * * * 

Seifer paced the ground in front of Zell like a caged animal, dragging the tip of his gunblade in the dirt.

"Are you going to attack?" said Zell. "I haven't got all day."

"I'm enjoying myself," said Seifer, his mouth twisting into a smile. "I've been waiting for years to kick your ass."

"Not gonna happen. You don't seem to have the same magic as you used to when you were Ultimecia's whore."

His pacing was steady as ever, but Zell noted the flash of irritation cross his face, and it gave him a surge of confidence. 

"Come on, Almasy. What you scared of?"

Seifer lunged at him with a roar, keeping his blade low until the last minute, then raising it swiftly to point straight at Zell's heart.

Zell shoved it out of the way with one arm, rolling clear in the same move. He heard Seifer's boots skidding in the dirt as he tried to stop himself slamming into the wall behind Zell.

"Too obvious," said Zell. "You need to disguise your moves better than that."

"I was just testing, Chicken Wuss. You've come on some."

"That happens if you're willing to work for it. Come on, try again." He turned to face Seifer and adopted his ready stance.

"With pleasure," snarled Seifer. He didn't wait around this time, charging straight away. It occurred to Zell that he might have bullets in his gunblade, despite the practice rules, so he rolled first, then kicked out one leg in a sweep.

Seifer jumped the sweep and hit Zell hard on the side of his head with the flat of his gunblade. Not hard enough to really hurt him, but enough that he saw stars for a moment.

"See. Don't underestimate me, Chicken. I…"

"That's Instructor Dinct to you, you bastard," yelled Zell, and launched at Seifer with a flurry of blows to his head and vicious kicks to his gut.

He thought he was winning, for a moment. Seifer stepped back once, then again, and again, shielding himself only partially from the force of Zell's blows. In moments his back was against the wall.

Too late, Zell realised that was what he'd been aiming for. He braced himself against the brick and brought his blade round in a wide arc, timing his swing perfectly to hit the side of Zell's head. Again, not hard enough to do any damage, but he staggered back half a pace, and that's all Seifer needed.

Zell was flat on his back, a practice gunblade poised at his throat, Seifer's boot heavy on his chest.

"What's the matter, Instructor Dinct?" Seifer gloated. "Decided to let me kick your ass after all?"

"Get off me," Zell growled, finding it hard to breathe under the pressure of Seifer's weight on his chest.

"Well, seems I have a little of my own magic after all." Seifer stepped back, looking critically at the gunblade as Zell gasped air into his lungs. 

"You still have things to work on," said Zell. "If the wall hadn't been there…" _If I had used my brain instead of my temper…_

"You still got the hots for Squall's chick?"

"What?" Zell pulled himself up to sitting, still finding it hard to catch his breath.

"Rinoa. You still after her?"

"That's none of your…"

"Yeah, I thought you would be. Of course, nothing doing there, eh Wuss? Can't get between a sorceress and her whore, after all. Well, I'll be going now, I guess I've passed this class, seeing as I could have killed you if I'd wanted." He ran his index finger down the length of the blade in his hand. "Oh, and Instructor? These weapons are crap. If the weight hadn't been all wrong I'd have got you the first time." He threw the gunblade from him; it spun through the air over Zell's head, and embedded itself in the wall with a soft twanging sound.

Seifer left Zell in the dirt of the training centre, panting and staring after him with undisguised hatred.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa watched Squall across the room, twisting a strand of hair around her index finger. He was standing in the doorway of the pub, looking out into the square, hair falling messily into his eyes as usual.

"Talk to him, Rin." Selphie's voice interrupted her thoughts. "It's not good for him to brood."

She smiled at her friend. "I'm not sure what he needs," she said sadly.

Selphie looked at their brooding Commander, leaning against the doorframe, his face creased into a frown. "At this moment, I'd say he needs some sleep," she said. "And you."

Rinoa gave her a rueful grin and a quick look that said 'wish me luck', and slowly walked over to the door.

"Squall?"

He didn't turn and smile at her. He mumbled something that might have been a greeting, and continued to gaze across the square, as if he'd barely noticed she was there.

"Squall, honey…"

"What? Oh. Sorry, I was…"

"Miles away? Yeah, I could see that," she said gently. "Are you okay?"

He looked at her, the tiniest of smiles curving his lips and warming his eyes. "I was just thinking it through, what happened… I'm so sorry I ran away. I had no right to run away."

She had to think for a minute before she realised what he meant. 

"It's okay," she said. "I pretty much fell apart myself."

"I abandoned you. I let you get hurt. That was unforgivable."

"No," she said. "It's a big deal, knowing you've been manipulated like that. However much we wanted to… you did want to, didn't you?"

His eyes flickered down to the ground at his feet. "I…" He sighed, as if deliberately forcing the words out. "Yes. I did."

"And it wasn't just Ether, was it?"

He shook his head.

"It was the same for me," she said. "It was as if I could have anything I wanted, there was no guilt, no considering anyone else except the three of us. I was thinking… that must be what it's like, to be a Guardian."

He gave her a curious look from under his long lashes.

"No morality," she elucidated. "Just to have needs, desires, and nothing to hold you back."

"Hn."

"You wouldn't run away now. We're not the same people we were then."

"I should have cared for you better. I'm your Knight," he said, stubbornly.

Rinoa laughed softly. "I don't think it falls under the duties of a Knight, exactly," she said. "And you had yourself to worry about, it was a shock for you too. You didn't know Selphie was going to beat the crap out of me. Besides, I should fight my own battles."

"You couldn't. Not back then. But after… even when I did know… I couldn't cope. I know it looked like I didn't… It wasn't that I didn't care," he was speaking slowly, and she could sense how hard it was for him, even now, to talk about it. "I cared too much, and I didn't know what to do … I couldn't… I didn't know how to..."

Rinoa reached out one hand to squeeze his arm, tears suddenly springing to her eyes. "Squall, it's okay. Look at me."

He looked up slowly, a flicker of alarm crossing his face as he saw her tears. 

"We were different people then. We did what we could. Even if all that hadn't happened, I don't think we really would have stayed together, would we? It couldn't have been like it is now. It's turned out for the best, don't you think?"

He pulled her to him and held her tight, his eyes closed as he let himself drown for a moment in the scent of her hair.

"I'd forgotten," he whispered. "I'd forgotten what it was like, to be really, truly alone. I never thought I could, but I did… and I don't want… I couldn't…"

"Shh, baby," she reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, remembering the first time he'd held her like this, after he'd rescued her from the seal at Esthar. Yet another rescue. "I understand," she said. "You're not the only one. I'd forgotten how helpless I was. We're not those people any more, Squall. I'm strong, and I can kill my own monsters, and you have people all around you who love you. You'll never be alone again. I promise."

Wordless, he held her close and let her soothe him.

* * * * * * *

Irvine found Frila a little way down the road through the flower fields. She sat on the grass verge by a huge meadow, a drawing pad balanced on her knees. She smiled at him as he approached.

"Hey, Hotshot. What you drawing?"

She showed him her pad as he sat down beside her.

"Chocobo?" he grinned at her.

"It was cute," she said, adding a few more strokes to her drawing. "And the flowers behind are so pretty."

"You're good," said Irvine. 

She shrugged. "You okay?"

Irvine let out a long sigh. "I've been better," he admitted.

"Oh. What happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me, but…"

"It's alright. You should know. It's complicated, though, and there's something else I needed to tell you first."

She looked up at him, her eyes a little wary.

"Is this where you tell me we mustn't keep sleeping together?"

He reached out and brushed a stray curl back from her face.

"No," he said, softly. "Not that."

"I'd understand. You've always been straight with me, and I know if it wasn't for Ether…"

"Will you shut up for a minute and listen?"

"Sorry," she said. "My mouth runs away with me sometimes."

"It certainly does," he drawled, "but I'm not complaining."

It took her a second to realise what he meant, and to his delight a faint blush rose up her cheeks.

"Shut up," she said, coyly. 

He chuckled to himself, and adjusted his hat. 

"What was it, then, that you need to tell me?" she asked, once she'd recovered herself a little.

"Well… I want to be honest with you. You know how I feel about Selphie?"

"Yes. Of course. It's right there all over your face whenever you look at her."

There was no jealousy in her voice, just a tinge of sadness.

"She doesn't want me. I don't know if she's going to get back with Xu, but whatever happens, she and I won't be getting together any time soon." 

"I'm sorry," she said, sincerely. "That sucks."

"Yeah," he said, with a rueful smile. "I wanted you to know, because I don't think I've been fair to you."

"Oh, you have," she said, quickly. "I know it's all for Ether. You've made that perfectly clear."

"It's not all for Ether."

"What?" she looked at him in confusion.

"It's not just Ether. I like you, Hotshot. If you were older, and not a cadet, I'd just ask you out on a date, but… I can't go on pretending I don't care. I do."

A broad grin appeared on her face as she slowly took in what he was trying to tell her. "That's… wow. I thought after Rinoa caught us last night you'd dump me, I didn't even expect you to come back, and now…"

"I just wanted you to know." Irvine cupped her jaw in his hand, smoothing the soft skin over her cheekbone with his thumb. "I'm being honest here. I'm still in love with Selphie. I think I always will be. But I'm crap at being alone, and you make it better. I can't promise much, but I can promise to treat you better than I have. Okay?"

"Yes," she said, catching his hand and kissing his palm. "Won't Rinoa tell Squall?"

"I told Squall. He's alright about it, for now, at least. And Selphie worked it out, too. But no-one else must know, okay?"

"Okay." She couldn't stop smiling. She kept telling herself this didn't mean that much, just that he cared for her, and he needed her, but it was enough. She felt suddenly, outrageously happy.

Irvine reached behind her head and released her hair to fall in a cascade over her shoulders, lit fire-red by the sun, low in the sky behind her. "Thank you," he said, amazed at how much he wanted her, all of a sudden.

She ran her tongue swiftly over her lips.

"Does Ether… I mean, is it…"

Irvine slowly shook his head. "Not junctioned," he said. "And running at full power, thanks to you."

"Oh. Good." She looked vaguely disappointed.
    
    "On the other hand," he combed his fingers through her hair, pulling her closer to him. "I'm feeling distinctly needy."

"Wha… oh!" Her eyes went wide as she realised what he meant.

He kissed her softly, teasing her tongue with his, feeling her body relax immediately against him.

__

She hadn't expected this to happen. When this started, just a couple of weeks ago at the graduation party, this wasn't what she wanted.

She'd seen him the first day she came to Garden, and wanted him straight away; he'd been with Rinoa in the Quad, playing ball with Rinoa's dog, laughing in the Autumn sunshine. His hair had come half loose and fell over his face; he was wearing scruffy jeans, ripped at the knee and across one thigh, and he was beautiful. 

She'd always thought it was desperately uncool to be a groupie, so she'd resisted the urge to join the gaggle of cadets who followed him around, happy just for a smile or a glimpse of him as he did whatever it was he did around Garden. It took her a while to work out exactly who he was. It didn't make much difference one way or the other, to her, really. She wasn't interested in him as a hero, it was the warmth of his smile that attracted her to him, the kindness and sensitivity that he showed towards people, and, of course, that he was so fucking hot.

She hadn't been obsessive, it wasn't in her nature. She'd had boyfriends, one or two nice ones, although they tended to fade away when she wouldn't let them get close. She didn't seek him out. But she was aware of his presence, if he happened to be in the same room, or to pass her in the corridor. More often, he appeared in her fantasies, always horny and considerate and just a little dangerous.

When she decided to leave Garden, she had nothing to lose. She'd learned a fair bit about him by then, including his reputation as a womaniser, but she still hadn't really expected him to say yes. Still it was worth a try. At least then she wouldn't have completely wasted the last two years. She honestly hadn't expected more than a kiss, or maybe just one night. The plan was she'd be gone the next day, with fond memories and her heart intact. 

She'd surprised herself at how badly it got to her, when he rejected her afterwards, even though she'd expected it.

Then Oceanus… and everything changed.

She hadn't meant to let him in. She didn't think she'd ever let anyone in, after Sen.

She didn't want to let him in. But it was too late.

His slowly pulled back, his tongue lingering over her lips.

He was real, and strong, and she loved him.

"I have some other stuff to tell you," he whispered, his lips tickling her ear.

"Really?" She dropped her pad and pencil onto the grass beside her, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Mmm… or we could just lay back here and fuck 'til the sun goes down."

"Oh gods," she whimpered.

He licked her neck from shoulder to ear, then blew gently across her wet skin, watching goosebumps magically appear in the wake of his breath.

"Would you like that, Hotshot?" he murmured, kissing along the line of her jaw, one hand toying with the hem of her T-shirt.

"Oh gods, fuck, yes, but…"

"Hmmm…?" he moved his kisses to her throat, his hand to her thigh.

"Squall… said we had to be back at the Inn around now…"

Irvine groaned, but he had a grin on his face. "I guess we'll have to wait til we get back to Garden, then," he whined, "if you're going to get all responsible on me."

"I think I am," she said. "It sounds like we both owe Squall a favour for not kicking us out, eh?"

"Alright then," Irvine had somehow managed to slide his hand inside her T-shirt anyway, and was teasing her quivering belly. "But as soon as we're off duty, you're mine, okay?"

"All yours," she promised.

He dragged himself away from the temptation of her body and stood up, holding out a hand to help her to her feet.

"Let's get back to the inn then," he said. "I can tell you the other stuff on the way."

She stuffed her pad and pencils into her bag and pulled it over her shoulder. "I'm all ears," she said. "Is this about Bane? Only Oceanus is getting mighty fretful to go deal him a fatal blow."

"Well, no, it's more about Ether and… is it really that insistent? Oceanus?" They started to walk down the path back to the town.

She nodded. "Whatever Bane did sure pissed it off. We're talking major revenge kick here."

"You must tell Squall," said Irvine, worriedly. "Is it okay? It's not suggesting you go find Bane on your own or anything?"

She smiled at him, touched by his concern. "No, nothing like that. It just tells me stuff when we have our little chats."

"Chats?"

"Well, you know, we talk about stuff. It's known a lot of cadets, it's really good with the advice, and it's kind of… comforting, to have it around."

"Hm. What about Shiva?"

"Sometimes she joins in. It can be a regular chat room in here," she tapped the side of her head.

"Well, I still think you should tell Squall."

"I already have, silly. He asked me to report everything Oceanus says or does, all through the mission. And I'm a good girl, you know. I do my paperwork."

"Oh." He felt unreasonably put out that she'd told Squall all this, but not mentioned it to him. Then again, he realised, with some regret, he'd not asked her about her Guardian, or the mission, or anything much since that bar in Esthar. Except sex.

He felt for her hand, and twined his fingers through hers. She gave his hand a little squeeze, and looked up at him with a warm smile.

"So, you going to give me this briefing, or what?" she asked.

It was infectious, that smile. It took away the ache that had been with him ever since Selphie turned him down. Just a little.

He smiled back.

"Yeah. Well… it started about two years ago, on the day I drew Ether on the Island Closest to Hell…"

* * * * * * *

He didn't let go of her hand when they arrived at the Inn. Ellone had produced an enormous meal for them, and home cooked food was such a pleasure, after their usual diet of functional cafeteria fare, that even Squall seemed to stop fretting for a while.

Not for long, though. He helped Ellone with the dishes while the rest of them got ready to leave, and Irvine could hear her calm voice soothing his impatient one over the clatter of crockery.

They said their goodbyes, and set off for Garden just as darkness was setting in.

The Ragnarok was flying over the bay just north of Fisherman's Horizon when Squall noticed something.

"What's that?" He pointed out of the window into the darkness.

"Looks like the depths of night to me," said Irvine. 

"No, he's right!" Rinoa joined Squall, peering over his shoulder. "What the fuck…"

"It looks like a huge pink blancmange fell out of the sky and landed on the beach," offered Frila, eloquently. 

Irvine laughed. 

"It's the Dia," said Selphie. "It's the fucking Dia."

"They're swarming out of a cave, or something… they don't' seem to be moving very fast…"

"Quick, blow them up," said Selphie. "The Ragnarok's armed, right?" She was already moving towards the weapons controls.

"No!" said Squall, sharply. "Not yet. It's… they're not heading for Timber and they're not going in the water. It looks as if they're staying put, so no-one's in danger, and I'd rather they didn't know we were here. I want to save the weapons until we get to Balamb, if they're coming out here they're bound to be doing the same there."

"Okay," said Selphie, regretfully. "But then can I blow them up?"

"We'll see," said Squall, with a grin.

Selphie bounced happily in her seat, and started running a weapons inventory on the computer.

Much to Squall and Selphie's irritation, there was no sign of the Dia at Balamb beach at all. 

"Damn," said Squall. "We could have…"

"We don't really know how badly we can hurt them from up here," said Rinoa. "The one I killed was pretty tough. It needed magic, and the Rag only has ordinary weapons."

"I know," said Squall. "I just…"

"You want to kill something," said Irvine. "I can relate to that."

"It's just so fucking frustrating," said Squall. "To have an enemy that pops up when it feels like it, and we don't know where they're coming from, or where they get their power from…"

"The crystals?" suggested Frila, quietly. "That would make sense. With the colour, and the caves and all…"

"Yes," said Squall, "but we still don't understand how…"

"Take it easy, man." Irvine squeezed his shoulder. "We're nearly home. Maybe Xu can give us the answers."

"I hope so," said Squall, looking out into the blackness towards home. "Or I might just have to go back and blow the fuckers up for the fun of it."

"Woohoo," murmured Selphie, under her breath.

* * * * * * *

Laguna snapped his phone shut with a grin. "They're home," he told Quistis. "Shall we go and do the hugging thing or do you want to be aloof and efficient?"

"Hmm?" Quistis looked up from the map she was studying on the huge table in the middle of the ops room. She'd been somewhat distracted all day, and Laguna was starting to worry that she was backsliding into her depression.

"Squall and the others, the Ragnarok's landed. I'm going to meet them, you coming?"

To his relief a big smile appeared on her face. "Oh yes," she said. "Lead the way."

They were on their way out of the door when they bumped into Xian and Seifer.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Quis, but I need a decision about Cadet Almasy here. He claims he's exempt from several of the tests on the grounds of experience in the field, but the only witnesses who could verify are yourself and Commander Leonhart, because it was when…"

Quistis stared at Seifer in disbelief. "When you were trying to kill us?" she gasped. "You want us to count the work you did for Ultimecia as fucking field duty?!"

"We're mercenaries," said Seifer, the vaguest twinkle in his eye showing her he was enjoying this. "There's nothing in the rules says you have to be working for an approved client. Just so long as two senior SeeD officers are present to give a testimonial as to the skills used."

"I don't have time for this," said Quistis. "I really don't have time for this. I'm sorry, Xian, I'll see you about it in the morning. Come on Laguna. Let's go form a welcoming committee."

With that she stalked out of the room and down to the main entrance, Laguna at her side, not noticing Seifer following in their wake.

* * * * * * *

Selphie shivered a little as they walked up the drive. 

"You okay?" said Irvine. "If you're cold I could…"

"No, I'm fine," she beamed at him. "Just good to be home, you know?"

He slipped an arm around her shoulder and gave her a brief hug.

"Who's that?" asked Frila.

The five of them stopped in their tracks. 

"Seifer," said Irvine.

"Oh," said Frila. "So that's Seifer."

Rinoa touched Squall gently on the shoulder. "Squall," she said, softly, "are you okay?"

Squall was staring at Seifer with steel-grey eyes, his heart racing. He barely noticed Quistis or Laguna, or Zell flick-flacking his way across the gravel towards them. He took in Seifer's arrogant swagger, the cocky expression in his eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he growled.

"Well," Seifer strode towards him, a smirk on his face and a glint of age-old rivalry in his eye. "Seems you need a little bit of help, Squally boy. Matron sent me to save the day. Or to save your sorry ass, at any rate."

Squall's temper exploded with a roar, and he whipped Lionheart around in an arc that drenched them both in blue light. He knocked Seifer to the ground with the flat of his blade in one stroke.

"I don't care who sent you," he hissed. "You get the fuck out of Garden, and off this continent, and make damn sure I never see you again, or," he hauled Seifer up by the collar of his duster, "next time I'll hit you with the pointy side."

Seifer glared at him, wiping a trace of blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Squall dropped him roughly back to the ground and turned to Quistis. "Go fetch Xu," he said. "My office, ten minutes."

She nodded, staring at Seifer laying on the ground, her heart soaring.

"Squall?" she said.

"Yes?" He was already half way to the door.

Quistis gave him a huge smile. "Welcome home," she said.

* * * * * * *


	32. Promise

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

OK, you probably know the drill by now. If you want the full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended, it's on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ The version below has been censored in line with ffnet policy because I'm a scaredy cat ^_^_

Thanks again to Megan for beta-ing, and to Ste for combat advice.

Still welcoming the feedback, by the way, here or by e-mail (fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk)

__

************************************************************

****

Chapter 32 - Promise

Selphie cast a last astonished look at Seifer laying on the gravel drive before she ran after Squall, as fast as she could.

Irvine gave Rinoa a grim look. "We'd better go too," he said. "There's no telling what he'll say to her in this kind of mood." Rinoa nodded. He turned to Frila. "I'll catch you later," he said. "You report to Quisty and Laguna, eh?"

"No problem," she said, still staring at Seifer, who had pulled himself to his feet, cursing under his breath. "What about…"

But Irvine had already gone.

* * * * * * * 

"If you're going to tell me to go easy on her, don't waste your breath." 

Irvine hadn't seen Squall this angry for a long time. He cast a warning look at Selphie, but she didn't notice. Or ignored him.

"Squall, let me talk to her first," she said. "It's not her fault."

Squall glared at Selphie from behind his desk. "How in gods' name do you work that one out? How can it possibly not be her fault?"

"I've been thinking," said Selphie, talking fast, knowing she didn't have long to get her point across. "It must have been Bane, who made her do it."

"What the fuck would Bane care what we remembered? Selphie, I'm sorry, I know how you feel about Xu, but…"

"Please Squall, just let her explain," pleaded Selphie. "I'm sure she'll be able to explain!"

"I don't trust her," said Squall. "She's lied to me and held back so much, fuck, she's been lying to all of us for two whole years!"

"Exactly!" said Selphie, triumphantly. "Xu wouldn't do that, would she? She went through Ultimecia with us and everything, she wouldn't…"

She looked around at Irvine and Rinoa for support, but they both looked less than convinced. 

"She didn't have Bane then," said Rinoa. "She got Bane with the first batch of crystals, right?"

"So she said," said Squall. "I'm sorry, but I don't trust her anymore."

"Squall, how could you?!" yelled Selphie. "After all Xu's done for you over the years…"

Irvine interrupted her before she could get into full flow. "All Selphie means is there might be a better way," he said. He looked Squall straight in the eyes. "Sometimes confrontation isn't the best route to the truth." Considering the ice in Squall's gaze, Irvine wondered for moment if he was about to suffer the same fate as Seifer. "You know I'm right," he said, anyway.

He kept eye contact, willing Squall to see reason. He knew he couldn't convince him to trust Xu again so quickly, but he hoped that putting it as a strategic option might make some sort of an impact. 

Squall's shoulders slumped.

"Alright," he said. "You can ask the questions first. But…"

They were interrupted by the entry buzzer; the door opened straight away and Quistis came in, herding a tired and pale-looking Xu in front of her.

Irvine knew he'd always remember this moment, the moment Selphie was reunited with Xu. She turned from Squall towards the door, and her expression changed, softened; despite the doubts he knew she shared with them, deep down, he saw nothing in her eyes but love and compassion. 

She let out a soft cry and launched herself across the room and into Xu's arms; Xu's eyes closed and the tears spilled from between her thick lashes to soak into Selphie's hair.

Irvine felt a hand in his, Rinoa's. She squeezed, and he squeezed back.

Squall turned away, walking to the window.

"Let's go next door for a minute," whispered Rinoa. Irvine nodded, and they were about to do just that when Quistis' phone rang.

"Laguna? Hi, I… what? … How many?!… Yes, we'll be right down." She snapped her phone shut. "Squall, the Dia are back on Balamb beach. More than last night… a lot more. Laguna's sent Zell down with a patrol, but he thought…"

Squall spun round; the news obviously hadn't improved his temper any. "He thought right. It's time I took a look at those bastards for myself. Irvine, Rin, you're with me. Selphie…" she looked over her shoulder at him, clearly not planning on letting Xu go anytime soon. "You talk to Xu. You know what we need. Xu, if you're not straight with us this time you can go join Almasy out there in the land of pain, and I don't care how much I used to respect you. Quistis…"

She looked up at him, expecting the command to go to the ops room and wait.

"I want you with me. Call Laguna and tell him we're going, he's in charge 'til we get back. And tell him to find Frila and send her down to meet us at the front gate, with Oceanus."

Quistis suppressed an urge to squeal in delight, and started punching her speed-dial.

"Squall," said Irvine, "Frila's had hardly any field experience and…"

Squall flashed steel-grey eyes at him through his dark bangs. "Don't think with your dick, Kinneas," he said. "She's more than capable, and Oceanus wants in on this. That's good enough for me."

Irvine stifled a retort, staring at the floor between his feet and biting his lip with the effort, knowing Squall was right, and that he didn't want him to be.

"She'll be alright," said Rinoa in a soft voice as they followed Squall from his office. "I'll keep an eye on her."

The door shut behind them, leaving Selphie and Xu alone.

* * * * * * *

Frila was tired.

She hadn't had a great deal of sleep the last few nights, and was about to take herself off to her long-neglected room for a shower and a nap when Laguna got Quistis' call.

"Sorry," he said. "Looks like you're on Squall's team to go chop tentacles."

"Tentacles?" she said, weakly. She wasn't sure she had enough energy to chop an onion, never mind a tentacle.

__

~We must go. All will be well, Child. I will care for you.~

~Thanks.~

"Sounds as if Oceanus is enthusiastic, anyway," she told Laguna.

"You'll be okay, kid. Believe me, once you join in the fight you'll forget how tired you are."

"I guess." She unzipped her kit bag, taking out a box of cartridges for her gunblade, a bottle of water, a sweater. 

"The best thing seems to be to go for the eyes," he advised her. "And use lots of magic. Fire and thunder. Can your Guardian help you out there?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm an ice and water kinda girl at the moment."

"Well, they'll sort you out. It'll probably all be over by the time you get there, anyhow. Zell took care of them pretty good last night."

She took a long drink of water. "Have they done a lot of attacking here since we went away?" she asked, screwing the cap back on the bottle.

"Last three nights, yeah. And Trabia, but not Galbadia, yet. There aren't any caves near to Garden there, so we think that's what's stopping them. We were hoping Galbadia could move here to help out, but Martine's being stubborn as hell, so…"

"Oh." 

"It's nothing we can't handle, I don't think. Gunblades are good. They don't like gunblades, seem to be frightened of sharp pointy things."

That notion felt good, she realised. She'd never really thought of herself as threatening before.

"What about Seifer?" she said. "He's a gunblader, isn't he? Is he coming with us?"

Laguna smiled at her. "I don't think that would be a good idea," he said. "Squall might just get distracted and chop him into tiny pieces rather than the Dia."

Her eyes went wide. "Really?"

He laughed. "No, kid, I don't think… oh look, here they come. Good luck, stab a few for me."

She grinned at him and saluted, wondering how such a friendly and easy to talk to person could possibly have raised a son as taciturn and scary as Squall.

__

But he didn't raise him. Any more than she raised me.

She shook her head, chasing the thoughts away, and set about braiding her hair as the others approached. Irvine gave her a huge smile; she smiled back, thinking vaguely that this wasn't a good time to be going weak at the knees.

Squall led them out to the waiting jeeps, and she climbed in next to Rinoa. It felt unreal, dreamlike after a day of waiting around, the hours spent drawing in the flower meadow at Winhill, making love with Irvine, the dinner at Ellone's Inn that felt almost like family. Less than ten minutes ago she'd been looking forward to the closest to a quiet night in that she could expect, and now…

__

~Be still, Child. I will protect you.~

She looked up at the stars, and let Oceanus' voice soothe her fears away.

* * * * * * * 

"Shhh, sweetheart. I'm home. Everything's going to be alright. Shhh…"

"Oh gods, Selphie, I never thought I was going to see you again… I couldn't bear it. I missed you so much, I thought… I thought…"

"It's okay. I'm here. I told you I'd come back, didn't I?"

Xu gave a little laugh through her tears. "Next time don't cut it so fine, okay?" she wound Selphie's hair around her fingers, gazing at it as if it were the most amazing stuff she'd ever seen.

Selphie hugged her close, stroking her back and melting into the warmth of her body.

"What did Squall want?" asked Xu. "He looked so mad…"

"Oh, Xu. This is going to be hard, sweetheart. I'm sorry."

"Why?" Xu pulled back a little. "What's wrong?"

Selphie searched Xu's deep brown eyes, looking for the faintest hint of betrayal, of deception, any sign she might have missed. All she saw was love, and deep, deep inside her, fear. Fear?

"They told me about Bane and Chet, and you."

Xu looked away. "I thought they would," she said. "I wouldn't have sent you, if it had let me… I tried so hard… I wanted to tell you, I really did, but it hurt so much… you understand, don't you? If you've… had it in your head, you…"

"Yes," said Selphie. "It's not that." Her voiced dipped low and quiet. "There was something else you didn't tell us, sweetheart, wasn't there? Something you've hidden for a long time."

The fear in Xu's eyes intensified. "What do you mean?"

Selphie gently brushed the hair back from Xu's tearstained face, stroking her cheek with her thumb. "Chet gave me my memory back," she said softly. "And I told the others. We went to Ellone and they went back to check. I know what you did, my love."

"Oh gods," breathed Xu, all the colour draining from her face. "You know… how…"

"The latest time Ellone could send us in that timeline was when you changed things," explained Selphie. "That is what you did, wasn't it?" Xu nodded, unable to meet Selphie's eye. "Why, my love? Why did you do it?" She tried to move away, but Selphie wouldn't let her, pulling her straight back, kissing her briefly on the lips.

"I wanted to make it all better," she whispered. "Everyone was hurting so, so badly. Squall, Rinoa, Irvine, even Quistis and Zell, and you…" Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. "You were so unhappy, you were drunk all the time and you put in to transfer back to Trabia, and I couldn't… I couldn't let you go… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I love you, I didn't think it would matter…"

Selphie breathed out a long breath. "You must have guessed we'd find out one day," she said. "What did you think…"

"I wasn't thinking," said Xu, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "It wasn't my idea, at first. It was Bane. It promised me no-one would ever find out, that we could put things in place to stop things repeating… that's what happens, you see, if you try and change things, it just happens the way it was supposed to, in a roundabout way, if it's important… that's why…"

"Rinoa and Squall got together at last," said Selphie. "And Irvine and Rinoa…"

"The memories must have come back at some point, I think it was when you got the crystals from that factory. Something stirred up the old feelings, and it all started to unravel. Then when Squall lost his mind block… I could see it happening…" 

"You should have told us," Selphie chided. 

"I couldn't. First there was Bane, and then… I was frightened, if you knew, that you'd be angry, and you wouldn't want me. Oh gods, Selphie, I've been frightened of so much for so long…"

There was a long pause; Xu stared at the carpeted floor of Squall's office, fighting back the tears.

"Do you?" she asked eventually. "Want me?"

Selphie cupped Xu's face in her hands and kissed her tenderly. "Yes," she whispered. "More than ever."

Xu relaxed into her arms. "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you."

"Shhh," soothed Selphie. "You thought you were doing the right thing, but… Xu, I think it's better to do things the other way. You can't just wipe the hurt away. It's horrible but… it felt so wrong. It's not for us to decide what can and can't happen. We just have to live with it."

"I know."

They stood there for a moment, clinging to each other. Selphie felt relief wash over her, that Xu hadn't tried to lie her way out of it, that she really seemed to understand. She'd been so frightened that Chet had been right, that Xu had betrayed her, that Bane…

Bane.

"Xu…."

"Hmm?"

"When did you pick up Bane, sweetheart?"

"What?"

"Bane. Squall said you drew it from a crystal. When did you…"

She felt Xu stiffen a little in her arms. "I didn't," she said. "Bane… the echo… it's what it wanted me to say and I forgot… oh no! Shit, he's _never_ going to trust me. I didn't want to lie, but he was so angry and…"

"Woah, slow down a bit. Who was angry?"

"Squall… it was part of the mind block, it made me… I couldn't tell him when, or how I found the crystal Bane was in." She took a deep breath. "And when Irvine took the mind block away," she shuddered at the memory, and it brought back Selphie's own experience in a rush: Ether overwhelming her brain and feeling so alien, all over her mind… she dragged her thoughts back to the present with a shiver of her own. "I was just worried about you," Xu was saying. "All I wanted was to tell them what they needed to know to help you. I just… forgot. Not Bane forgetting, I mean… I actually forgot!"

"Squall will understand, Xu," said Selphie firmly. "I don't know what happened while I was away, but my guess is he's just in complete leader mode because of this war. He'll calm down, you'll see. We'll _make_ him calm down. Now. Tell me. How did you find Bane, really? What did it make you do?"

"I found it in the cave, at Balamb," said Xu. "The day we got back from FH after we picked you up from Ultimecia's Castle. We knew there would be lots of people wanting to become SeeDs, and we were looking for new Guardians. It was in a crystal, I didn't lie about that part. When it suggested I change the past… I regretted it, after a while. It felt wrong, but I didn't know how to put it right. And it was always suggesting things, nothing too bad, but I could feel it all the time, whispering to me… so I just stopped junctioning it. I didn't dare tell anyone about it… well, I see now it was the mind block, but at the time I thought I wanted to keep it all secret because of what I'd done. The next time I junctioned Bane was when Edea sent the crystals, and I realised it was the same kind of crystal as the cave… the rest was just as I told Squall and Rin, I told Chet about it and he drew it from me… I really didn't mean to do anything wrong, Selphie, please believe me!"

"Of course I believe you," said Selphie. "I've had that thing in my brain, remember? I know what it can do. I'll explain to Squall. Look, why don't we go back to my quarters?" She smoothed Xu's hair from her face, kissed her reddened nose softly. "We'll eat ice cream, and start to put this behind us. Okay?"

Xu looked at her as if she could hardly believe her ears.

"Really?"

"I love you," said Selphie. "That means something, you know. You made a mistake, that's all."

"Oh," said Xu, the sound catching in her throat. "Selphie, you're so… I don't deserve you, I…"

"Of course you do. Don't get all Squally on me, eh? Just promise me, no more secrets, eh?"

"I promise," said Xu, "believe me, I don't… oh."

"What's up?"

"Well, seeing as we're starting afresh," she said, "there's one more thing you need to know." 

* * * * * * *

Squall leapt from the jeep as soon as he saw Zell, not waiting for Quistis to stop. He grimaced at the shock of his feet hitting the ground, forcing himself to keep moving.

"How's it going?"

"Bad," said Zell. "There's a lot of them, and they're not coming out of the cave. It looks like they're coming out of the sea."

"What?! But Cid said they didn't swim, or…"

"I don't think they're swimming, exactly. We can't get close enough to be sure, but it looks as if there's some kind of tunnel that emerges just beyond the shoreline. We've got through something like forty so far, but the last estimate was that there were a hundred, maybe two hundred of them. And they're still coming"

"That's not a skirmish," said Squall, under his breath, "that's a fucking invasion." 

"Yeah," said Zell. "What do you want me to do? This is your command now, I…"

"No," said Squall. "You're doing a good job. Just keep hacking away, and make sure nothing gets close to Garden. We'll work our way back and see if we can seal off the tunnel or whatever they're using, then you can direct squads one and two to attack from behind. Okay?"

Zell nodded. "Thanks Squall."

"Thanks? What ever for?"

"You've never… for telling me I'm doing a good job. It helps."

Squall forced himself to smile, although his heart sank. _Am I really that heartless? Do people really believe I think so little of them?_

"No problem," he said. "Good luck." _I'm proud of you, I'm proud of all of you, that I can just give you an order and know it'll happen. You're the best in the world, and I'm lucky to count you as my friend._

Squall ran back to the jeep and shared the plan with the others. 

"Are they the same ones we saw near FH?" asked Irvine, snapping the safety off his rifle. 

"Looks like it," said Squall. "Selphie was right, we should've blown them up while we had the chance."

"It probably wouldn't've worked," said Rinoa. "They seem pretty resistant to anything non-magical." She gestured towards the faint pink glow from the direction of the main battle. "Does that remind you of anything, by the way?" 

"Xu," said Irvine. "When she was doing that… whatever it was, to change our memories."

"It was like that in the lab, too," said Rinoa, "when Selphie was… lost. I think it could be the crystals."

"You could be right. Just be careful, everyone," said Squall, "and stick together. All clear what you should be doing? Good. Off we go. Quistis, Frila, you're with me. Rin, Irvine, from the back. Fire and thunder magic, lots of it, let's just burn our way through 'til we find out where these bastards are coming from."

Frila obediently ran thunder magic through her gunblade, adrenaline flooding her body and proving Laguna completely right: any thoughts of tiredness had completely gone. Oceanus was filling her mind, strengthening and guiding her, giving her a confidence she'd never had before. She could hardly wait to get started.

Which was just as well, because Squall was clearly in a hurry.

He led them at a run past the first wave of Dians, moving round the edge of the team of SeeDs already engaged with them. They were much bigger than Frila had expected; fully ten foot across with tentacles ranging for another fifteen or so feet. They were an obscenely cheerful bubblegum shade of pink, and some of them were glowing, giving off the soft light that they'd noticed earlier. No wonder they'd been able to spot them from the Ragnarok; camouflage clearly wasn't their strong point, unless they were planning to hide in a lake of strawberry milkshake.

The second row weren't going to let them past without a fight, but they were only too happy to oblige, and between the five of them made short work of it. The Dians' eyes were huge and black, which made them all too vulnerable a weak spot; Squall plunged Lionheart's blue flame into the first two without even breaking his stride, and they fell before he'd even located his next target. Encouraged by Oceanus' battle cry in her head, Frila followed his example, stabbing at the next dark target she came across with a furious roar.

"She's getting into the spirit of things," Rinoa observed to Irvine as she gathered her power for a spell. 

"That's my girl," said Irvine, proudly. "Shit, they don't mind bullets much. Give us some more fire magic, Rin?"

"Just a sec." Rinoa closed her eyes, and a wave of flame shot out as if from an invisible flame thrower, wiping out half a dozen Dian's at one go, leaving a sticky, gloopy mess where they had been. With a grin of satisfaction she put her hand to the back of Irvine's head and he felt a tingle as she filled him with magic.

"Thanks," he said, doing his best to dismiss another kind of tingle that the touch of her fingers to his hair had caused.

Rinoa's magic always made him horny.

Frila had found the rhythm and savagery to her strokes that Irvine had last seen on that very same beach the day she'd drawn Oceanus. She was killing one to every two that Squall managed, _not bad odds for a beginner_, Irvine thought, concentrating on the familiar view down the sights of his rifle to pick an eye to shoot with his newly-enflamed attack.

Another sheet of flame rippled across the heads of the Dians in front of them; a smell like burnt rubber drifted towards them.

Irvine just kept on firing. It seemed easy, ploughing through enemies together, using the power that they wore like an old sweater, taken completely for granted but oh, so comforting when it was needed. Squall's fighting style was as fluid and beautiful to watch as ever; lit by the fireworks of Rinoa's magic, punctuated by the shot of Irvine's gun and the crack of Quistis' whip. Just like old times. They cut their way through fifty Dians faster than two squads of ordinary SeeDs managed to defeat ten.

They'd just caught their first sight of the tunnel, when the music started.

* * * * * * *

"I wonder if I ought to go and help?" Selphie scraped the last of the ice cream from the bottom of the carton.

"You're not back up to full strength yet," said Xu, putting a protective arm around her shoulder. "Squall or Quistis will let you know if you're needed."

"I guess."

"Are you that anxious to get away from me?" said Xu in a small voice. "I wouldn't blame you if you were."

Sephie prodded her in the ribs with her cold spoon. "Don't be stupid," she said. "I don't want to leave you again, ever. Not even for ten minutes. Otherwise I'd have gone to find some more ice cream by now. You know, the Estharians just don't do good ice cream. Not even for invalids."

"No, it takes hedonists like the Galbadians to do that," said Xu with a snort.

Sephie dropped the empty carton on the floor and leaned back against the headboard of the bed, shoving a pillow into the small of her back. "If they had any sense they'd have taken you with them."

"Squall can't trust me. I understand that, I'd be the same in his position."

"Hn. You're as stubborn as each other, that's for sure." Selphie reached out and ran one fingertip over Xu's faintly chilled lips. "And you're both devastatingly beautiful, now I come to think of it. All dark hair and cheekbones…"

"I don't think I'll ever make it to Squall's league in the looks department," said Xu, suddenly fascinated by the pattern on the bedspread. "Although you're right about being stubborn."

Selphie stroked Xu's dark hair back from her shoulders, continuing the sweep down her spine.

"Oh…" Xu's eyes shuttered closed, and she arched slightly under Selphie's touch.

Selphie planted a kiss on her exposed throat, another on the bare flesh just below her collarbone. She started to undo the buttons of Xu's shirt with one hand, pulling her closer with the other.

"Selphie, are you sure? … I'd understand, if you wanted to take things slowly, after…"

"I'm sure." 

__

More than sure. I have to do this. I have to…

"If you change your mind, Selph, just say. Did he hurt you?"

__

I have to make new memories.

"No. Yes. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to think about it." Selphie pressed her lips to Xu's, relaxing into the warmth of her body, cupping one breast in her hand, comforting, exciting, familiar."

__

He won't know this. This will be mine, and Xu's, and no-one elses. I can start again. He won't know.

Xu pulled back, gave her a little smile. Selphie surveyed her lover's face, taking in the smudge of exhaustion under her eyes, the pale, dead look to her skin, belied by the healthy redness of her faintly swollen lips. She raised her arms so Xu could pull her T-shirt off, enjoying the warm air on her breasts and stiffening nipples.

"Oh, Selphie!" Xu's finger came to rest on Selphie's chest. "Oh, Selphie, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry…"

It took a moment for Selphie to realise what had caused Xu's sudden distress. She followed Xu's eyes to her skin, and understood. She was caressing the faint scar the crystal had left, just above her heart. It had stopped hurting a while back, and the mark was much smaller than it used to be, no bigger than a strawberry. The doctors at Esthar had warned her that it would probably never fade completely. 

But of course, Xu knew what it was, and how it had been made. She knew what it meant, what Chet had done to her. She ran her fingers over the faintly puckered skin, her shoulders heaving with sobs.

"No," said Selphie. "No more crying. You don't have to cry, Xu, it's _over_."

"But…"

"No!" she repeated, with unusual steel in her voice. "I mean it. This is a new start, for both of us, and I won't let you torture yourself for the past. It's done, and over, and it wasn't your fault. You only did what you thought was right, all along. Listen to me." She cupped Xu's chin in one hand, tilting her face up to look at her. "You did everything you could. It's _not_ your fault, and it's _over. _Understand?"

Xu hesitated for an instant, then nodded, mutely.

"Good," said Selphie. "Now, no more tears," she fished a tissue out from under the pillow and dried Xu's damp cheeks. "We start again, from here. Okay?"

"Yes," whispered Xu. "I promise."

__

And he'll never know. This is mine. Just mine. He can't touch it.

* * * * * * *

Frila looked around her for an instant, frowning. Something wasn't right.

__

~Oceanus? What's happening?~

But her Guardian didn't answer; it just kept up an almost deafening noise in her ears, the sound of waves washing over pebbles, loud, rhythmic and slow. She couldn't hear anything else, it was dominating her mind, yet strangely calming.

__

~Shiva~

She couldn't reach Shiva at all; with a sudden bolt of fear Frila realised her other Guardian had fallen from junction, unconscious. She stole a glance at Squall as she pulled her gunblade back from her latest attack; she could tell from the expression on his face that there was something wrong. Had he lost his Guardians, too? 

It was all she could do to stop herself from looking back to see if Irvine was alright. She knew she had to stay focused, she couldn't afford to take her eyes off the tentacles that were threatening to grab and suffocate the life out of her. 

The tunnel was just ahead: their objective. 

Squall looked uncertain, confused.

There was another sound, now, as well as Oceanus, but she couldn't quite make it out. Every time she tried to listen to it, the sound of the ocean swelled in her ears.

Music. It was music. The crystals… She shut the noise out, concentrating instead on Oceanus' sea song.

She slashed another Dian eye, flinching from a stream of liquid that disgorged itself from some other, nameless part of the creature's body. That happened with the pink glowy ones, she'd noticed, and this close to the tunnel they were nearly all pink glowy ones. 

A rubbery tentacle lashed out to lather her in unspeakable goo; she blocked it with her left forearm and grabbed the tip. They were strong, she'd discovered, but none too fast, and if she did this she could keep it from doing any more damage with its appendages before she or Squall got it in the eye. 

Squall wasn't even watching anymore; he seemed to have gone into some kind of trance. She felt panic race through her body like dust on a desert wind. 

__

~Fuck. Now what?~

The tentacle started to thrash in her hand; irritated, she swung her blade and sliced it from its owner's body, immediately regretting such a rash action as she was drenched from head to foot in spurting blood.

She spluttered through the pinkish cascade, looking blankly at the rubbery limb in her gloved hand. There was something hard, just under the surface.

Squall seemed to have recovered himself, thank gods, and was shouting at her; but she still couldn't hear anything for Oceanus. Fortunately Squall always signalled with fingers as well as voice in battle; she couldn't get all of his signs, but she understood the basics. Pull back. Regroup. Head for the surf near the tunnel.

Frila shook the blood-drenched hair out of her eyes, wiping the worst of it from her face. She was about to drop the remains of her last enemy when it finally dawned on her what it was she could feel under its squidgy skin. It was still glowing faintly, even in death, and she could see why. There, under the now-limp sucker at the tip, was a crystal.

She chopped the tip from the rest and stuffed it in her belt; grabbed the next pink limb that was thrown her way and checked. The same.

"Squall!" she yelled, chasing after him as they fled towards the tunnel. "Squall, these things don't just use crystals! They _are_ fucking crystals?"

He stopped in his tracks, signalling the others to run past him while he waited for her to catch up. They were all moving too slowly, she realised, a fraction of their normal speed. All the Guardians must be down, except for Oceanus.

"What?" he asked; she still couldn't hear him but at least he was close enough that she could lip read.

"The Dians, they have crystals in their bodies! They're made of … here." She thrust the gooey flesh she'd harvested at him, the crystal now clearly visible inside, its glow slowly fading.

Squall turned and grabbed another flailing tentacle, struggling, surprisingly, to hold it still, until Frila chopped it off for him. He managed to jump out of the way of the fountain of blood, searching for similar bounty, but there was nothing there. 

"It's the glowy ones!" yelled Frila. "That's why they're…"

But Squall had already turned to bark an order to Rinoa, who looked a little startled for a moment, but soon settled to concentrate, an expression of calm determination on her face that Frila had learned meant she was gathering her magic.

A sheet of flame shot from her fingers, and another, and a third; Frila started to choke from the fumes as the creatures in front of her dissolved to a mass of goo and noxious smoke in front of her eyes. Squall grabbed her hand and pulled her back to join the others.

She stood, stunned, as Rinoa sent out fire again and again, until eventually she collapsed to her knees, eyes squeezed shut and breathing hard. Squall and Irvine were with her in an instant, one each side of her, helping her to her feet, checking she was okay.

"Are you alright?" Quistis asked Frila with a touch to her arm.

She turned to Quistis gratefully. "Yes, thanks, I'm fine, I…" _~I can hear again. Oceanus?~_

~You are safe. I protected you.~

~Is that what all the noise was about? Thank you. What…~

She realised Quistis was waiting for her to finish her sentence.

"… I'm fine," she said, with a grin. "Is Rinoa…"

"All that was from her own magic," Quistis explained. "It takes a lot out of her, but she'll be okay. It seems to have done the trick, the music stopped."

Frila surveyed the seething mass of pink gunge in front of them where the Dia had been. Looking back towards Garden she could see Zell's squads still fighting; with everything she'd had, Rinoa had only managed to take out about a quarter of them. But it looked as if it was the quarter that mattered, at least for now. 

The tide was going out fast, and she could see the tunnel clearly, a faint pink glow just visible in its depths. More of them. And the dangerous kind.

"I'm sorry, Squall, " Rinoa was saying, still finding it hard to catch her breath. "I don't have enough power left. It'll take an hour, at least. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," said Squall kindly, although the irritation was clear on his face. "Irvine, run back and get someone with a Guardian, something that can make a big explosion…"

"I can," said Frila. "Oceanus is right here, as always." She tapped the side of her head.

The others stared at her for a moment, caught between relief and disbelief.

"The tunnel," Squall said. "We need to blow up the entrance, stop them coming through. Can you do it? If not give me Oceanus now."

"I can do it," she said, firmly. _~Can we?~ _ she checked, as an afterthought.

__

~We can. Summon me, and I will seal the tunnel.~

"Now?" she checked with Squall.

"Yes! Do it!" he yelled.

"Oceanus!" she roared. It wasn't technically necessary to be all dramatic about it, she knew, but it felt good.

She'd forgotten how big it was.

Oceanus flowed from the sand just in front of her, a water dragon twice the size of Leviathan. It reared up on its hindquarters _Guardian rampant, _she thought, for some reason, and then poured itself down the beach towards the sea. At first it looked as though it might flow softly into the quiet ocean and melt away, but as it approached the tunnel it formed a wave five, ten, twenty feet high, thirty feet, a wall of rushing water that dashed at the shadowy entrance, flooding it, crumbling the rocky walls and washing the foundations away to sand.

Frila watched in awe as the tide receded and Oceanus flowed on. 

The entrance to the tunnel was gone, the first twenty feet or so swept away, the rest blocked with rubble. 

She saw the wave of Oceanus' triumph returning, and yelled a warning to the others, but it was too late. Sea water crashed over her, cleansing her of blood and gore even as it knocked her off her feet.

She opened stinging eyes to see the others similarly drenched. "Sorry!" she yelled. "Are you okay?"

"I'm getting used to it," said Squall wryly, pulling a bit of seaweed from behind his ear.

"Bracing," spluttered Irvine. "Next time, could you ask it not to do that, Hotshot? It takes forever to get the salt out of my rifle, if you know what I mean." 

His hair had come loose and spilled dripping down his back and in his eyes; his soaked T-shirt clung to his well defined muscles, and he winked at her.

"Well done, Cadet," said Quistis, offering a hand to help Frila to her feet. "You've saved yourself a few hours off your field exam there, I'd say."

Frila grinned, shaking the water out of her ears and trying to suppress a desire to punch the air in triumph, throw Irvine down on the sand in front of her and fuck his brains out. "Thanks," she said. Exams seemed a long way off, but she appreciated that Quistis was paying her a compliment, and that was a whole new experience.

Rinoa gave her a hug, which was also something of a novelty, and told her she'd saved the day.

Squall was looking at the slab of tentacle Frila had given him as if it was the best birthday present he'd ever had.

"At last," he murmured. "Something I can work with."

Oceanus settled back into Frila's mind, feeling more content that it ever had before. She got the sense that it had been an important victory, and not just for them.

It hadn't been an easy one, however.

They picked their way back to the front line over the mess of Dian bodies, at what felt like an excruciatingly slow pace to Frila; the others' Guardians were still obviously knocked out and the exhaustion of the past few days was clearly catching up with Irvine and Squall. 

Then, there were other bodies.

People.

Frila tried not to look, but it was unavoidable. She'd not thought there would be so many casualties, and for the first time she really understood why Squall had been so impatient to get back from Esthar, why it mattered so much that he solve the riddle of the crystals. Without Guardians and magic the Dians weren't just disgusting monsters to be cut through like undergrowth in the forest, they were deadly. Strong tentacles could dash bodies to the ground with all the force of a wrecking ball, or pluck fragile prey to feast on.

"You okay, Hotshot?"

She looked at Irvine's pale, tired face, and nodded. "Had to see it sometime," she said. 

Now wasn't the time to explain that this wasn't the first time she'd seen dead bodies after a battle. That was something she never intended to talk about, to anyone. Even him.

She saw a group of SeeDs struggling with the last dozen or so Dians; Zell was among them. 

"Squall, can I help?" she said, her voice more serious than Squall had ever heard her.

"Of course," he said.

She charged across the sand and bodies with a battle cry, her gunblade glowing with Oceanus' magic and energy, and, at least to Rinoa's eye, a little something of its own.

"You were right," said Quistis to Squall. "You were absolutely right to keep her on. She's got something special. I haven't seen a raw cadet with that kind of power since… for a long time."

"You mean since Seifer," said Squall, irritably. "It's alright to say it, Quis."

Quistis laughed. "Actually, I was going to say since you," she said. "I just thought you might not appreciate me comparing you with a raw cadet."

"Oh," said Squall, confused. "Was I better or worse than Seifer was at that age?"

Quistis laughed again. "You never change," she said.

"It's good to hear you laugh, Quisty," murmured Irvine.

Her eyes darted to him for a moment, surprised, and she smiled, pleased, if a little uncertain.

They were nearly back at the jeep. "Speak of the devil," said Rinoa.

The medical division were hard at work getting the injured ready to take back to Garden; among them, and being tended by a nurse Irvine recognised from his trips to the Infirmary to tend to Risha, was Seifer. Judging by the marks around his neck it looked like he'd been strangled half to death.

"Are you still here?" said Squall icily. For once no-one was suggesting he lighten up, he noticed. The others were regarding Seifer with at least as much disdain as he was. 

"They needed a hand," said Seifer. "Chicken-Wuss there was about to get suckered."

"And you took it upon yourself to…"

"…Save his life. Yeah."

Squall suddenly felt very, very tired.

"And now…"

"I'll go, if that's what you still want." Seifer's voice was rough; he stared at the ground in front of him, dragging the tip of his blade through the sand. 

Not Hyperion, Squall noticed. Just an ordinary Balamb issue gunblade. 

"Were you junctioned?" he asked.

Seifer raised his head, a tinge of humiliation in his pale blue eyes.

"No. I'm not allowed," he said. "No Guardians, no magic. That's the deal."

"Why did you come back?" Squall saw Zell approaching out of the corner of his eye, and tried to communicate _thank you, thank gods you're still alive, good job _in one simple nod. Judging by the grin Zell gave him in return, he'd got at least some of it across.

Seifer hadn't answered him, he realised.

"Thanks, Seifer," said Zell, holding out his hand. "I thought I was a goner there for a while."

Seifer took his hand for a brief grip. "Couldn't let you get et, Chicken," he said.

"Why did you come back, Almasy?" said Squall, all too anxious to break up that little dialogue.

Seifer sighed. "Matron asked me to," he said. "She's been good to me, since… she's helped a lot. She thought it would be a good idea for me to rejoin SeeD, especially seeing as you need gunbladers."

"I'm not that desperate, thanks," said Squall, turning away towards the medical team.

"Please, Leonhart. Please let me stay."

Slowly, Squall turned back. "What did you say?"

Seifer glared at him, eyes narrowed to slits. "There's no need to enjoy this," he said.

__

Really? How come? Why shouldn't I enjoy my victory over you, you shithead? "Why?" he asked. "Why are you so desperate to become a SeeD, after all this time? And why the fuck should I have you on my team, in my sight, or on the same fucking _planet_ as me, after what you did?"

To Squall's surprise, Seifer's expression softened a little. "Matron," he said, so quietly that Squall could hardly hear him. "I promised Edea I could turn a corner, that I could do this. That I could work for you, be what she seems to think I'm supposed to end up being."

Squall watched him, fighting down the pity he had no reason, no reason at all to feel for this man, who had rained down torture and betrayal on him, his friends and family without so much as a second thought.

__

What do you see in him, Edea? Because whatever it is, I don't see it at all. 

"Please," he said. "I made her a promise. I don't want to break it."

That word again. Squall couldn't remember the last time he'd heard Seifer say please, or if he ever had, come to that.

He felt so, so tired.

"I'll talk to her tomorrow," he said. "Until then they'll tend your wounds in the Infirmary. Consider yourself confined there until you receive further orders."

He took a deep breath, and turned to the nurse. "How can I help?" he asked.

"Squall, man," Irvine gently squeezed his shoulder. "You need rest."

"I can't," said Squall, his voice tight. "I can't go back until… I can't."

"It's okay," said the nurse, gently. "We're nearly done here. Captain Kinneas is right, Commander. There's nothing you can do, and you look exhausted, all of you."

"Besides," said Rinoa, "the sooner we start dissecting that… thing, the sooner we get those answers you're always after."

"Oh." Squall looked down at the slab of tentacle in his hand as if seeing it for the first time; it was so important, but somehow he'd forgotten all about it. "Yes."

Frila returned, wiping grunge off her gunblade with a bit of kelp. It was quiet, all of a sudden; Squall could hear the inky waves rolling on the shore, the black of the sea indistinguishable from the night sky. His mind was fuggy with fatigue; he couldn't think straight any more.

"Come on, Squall," whispered Rinoa, putting a gentle hand on his back. "We've got Guardians to tend to and you need _sleep_. We might have to do this all over again tomorrow, and the Garden needs you."

Too tired to argue, he just nodded.

Frila let herself drift to Irvine's side again, wishing she could touch him as Rinoa was touching Squall, but satisfying herself with the faintest, casual brush of the back of her hand against his.

"Well done Hotshot," said Irvine, squeezing her hand. "I'm proud of you."

"We all are," said Quistis. "And don't forget," she couldn't resist raising her voice just a little so that she could be sure Seifer would hear. "That'll be at least two hours off your next field exam. Some people would do anything to get time off their field duty, you know."

Irvine gave Quistis a quizzical look, but she was already busy winding up her whip and settling it back on her belt. Seifer said nothing.

"Yeah," said Frila. "Um… thanks."

"Come on, Hotshot," said Irvine. "Time to go."

He was still holding her hand, Seifer noticed, as they walked away without so much as a goodbye.

"Well, I never," he murmured under his breath. "Now there's something interesting."

"What's that?" asked the nurse, making him jump. He'd forgotten she was there.

"Oh, nothing," he said. "Just romance on the battlefield, looks like. Who is that girl, the redhead with Kinneas?"

The nurse squinted at the retreating party. "Alfyrd, I think her name is," she said. "Lilla, or something. Romance?"

They were too far away now, for Seifer to be able to see whether he was still holding her hand.

"New SeeD?" asked Seifer, casually.

"No, just a cadet. Commander Leonhart seems to have taken her under his wing. We don't see her in the Infirmary except for her regular check ups and shots, she must be healthy, I guess."

"A cadet, eh?"

"Yeah. Far as I know."

Seifer watched the jeep head back towards Garden, and smiled.

* * * * * * *


	33. Secrets

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This chapter is supposed to be very smutty. If you want the full NC-17 version with all the smut the author intended, it's on my website, _www.scribblemoose.co.uk__ The version below has been censored in line with ffnet policy because I started this story with the intention of doing that, and it doesn't seem fair to change now…_

Thanks to Gwen for beta-ing despite sucky finals ::huggles::

Still welcoming the feedback, by the way, here or by e-mail (_fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk__)_

************************************************************

Chapter 33 - Secrets

__

Rinoa slept soundly, her head resting on Squall's chest, his arm wound securely around her waist, and dreamed.

She was in her own room, lying on the patchwork bedspread, reading a book. It was summer, the sun poured through the windows and warmed her skin. She heard the door to the bathroom open and Squall and Irvine came through, laughing, damp from the shower; Irvine was holding Squall's fingertips loosely in his hand. They paused at the foot of the bed and kissed each other, running hands slowly over each others' bodies; she would have thought they'd forgotten she was there if it hadn't been for the way Irvine winked at her over Squall's shoulder. They were putting on a show for her, she realised, knowing how she loved to watch them touch and pleasure each other.

Irvine whispered in Squall's ear, and Squall crawled on the bed on all fours, right next to Rinoa but apparently oblivious to her presence. She ran her eyes over his body, enjoying the pale skin and rippling muscle and sinew, the hard lines of his hip bones and shoulders, his tight buttocks and the slender dip of his waist. She breathed the scent of him, shower gel and shampoo, with the faintest hint of male musk that made her instantly wet between the legs. She longed to touch him, but knew it was against the rules, that she was only allowed to watch. So Irvine became her fingers and lips and tongue; she devoured the sight of him kissing Squall, running his hands along his lean flesh, softly whipping his back with long rust-coloured hair, licking down from his neck to the base of his spine. 

Eventually they invited her to join her, and they licked and writhed and fucked until they collapsed in a happy heap, and all she could hear was the ocean.

* * * * * * *

"Oh fuck… oh fuck… oh fuck…" Irvine woke to the sound of his own voice, and realised he wasn't dreaming any more.

He kept his eyes closed just in case, while he got his bearings.

Not Rinoa, or Squall. This was real, and almost as horny as the dream.

He opened one eye cautiously, instantly reassured by the river of red hair that was spread over his belly. 

"Hotshot?" he murmured, opening the other eye just to be sure.

"Hmmmmng."

"Oh fuck."

"Hmmngggnm."

"Oh fuck, that's so good…"

Gods, but she was a fast learner.

Waking up like this, on top of the dreams, was enough that his body screamed for rapid release, and he didn't fight it.

"Hotshot… coming…"

When the bliss had receded, he sat up and gathered her in his arms with a soft cry, licking her face, kissing her and holding her tight, all gratitude and lust and love.

She started to giggle. "That tickles!" He was licking her eyelashes.

"Gotta get you all clean, Hotshot," he said.

She squealed as he extended his licking to other, perfectly clean areas for a moment, before hugging her to him again, kissing her sticky hair.

"Morning," she murmured happily into his chest.

"Is it?" he said. "I hadn't noticed. Something was distracting me."

"Well, you were all hard, and it seemed a pity to waste it." She traced little circles around one of his nipples, watching his skin twitch a bit in response. "I think you were dreaming."

Irvine blinked. "Yeah," he said. "Maybe. Gods, that felt good."

"You feel better? You were shattered last night."

Irvine considered for a moment. "Yes, I do. What time is it?"

"Nearly eight. We slept for nearly ten hours. Is Ether OK?"

Irvine checked the corner of his mind where his Guardians lived. "Yeah, he's back."

"Well then," Frila flicked her tongue out to assault the nipple she'd been teasing. "Why don't you junction him, and we'll make sure he's up to full strength before we go to work?"

Irvine laughed. "Okay, if you insist," he said. "You sure you don't mind the company?"

"Oh no," she grinned, moving gracefully to straddle his hips, pushing him down onto his back. "There's nothing wrong with the odd threesome, so long as I get you to myself every now and then."

For a minute Irvine thought she'd read his dreams; then he realised what she meant.

"After waking me up like that," he growled, "you can have anything you want."

Frila grinned broadly as she sank her body down, impaling herself smoothly on his cock in one slick movement. 

"This'll do," she said, "for now. Junction."

Irvine obediently did so, and Ether's song filled their heads.

__

~Magnificent.~

* * * * * * *

Squall woke with a start. His first thought was to check his belly for evidence, but it was dry and warm, his cock was hard and his balls still full. Painfully full. 

He breathed out a sigh of relief. For some reason he would have felt a little shy of explaining to Rinoa that although he'd been too exhausted to even think of making love to her last night, he was perfectly capable of having a wet dream. And gods, what a dream. His eyes slid closed again, and his hand crept to his aching sex. 

"Squall, you awake, hun?"

He jumped and guiltily let go of his erection. "Yes!" he squeaked, defensively.

Rinoa laughed. "It's okay," she said. "I've been watching you."

He blinked at her.

"I don't mind you touching yourself," she said, huskily. "In fact, it's kind of a turn-on."

A smile tugged at the corner of Squall's mouth. "Really?"

"Oh yeah." 

"Oh." He gazed at her, wide eyed and still bleary with sleep, as she pulled the covers back from his naked body.

She trailed her fingers across his chest and down his stomach; tentatively he started to stroke himself again, noticing how her face lit up as she watched him. "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen," she said.

"Sexier than Irvine?" It was said in the confident mood of his dream; but for an instant he was worried she might think him jealous.

"Oh yeah," she said, honestly. "Because you don't know it."

There was something in that. He'd always attracted girls, without even trying, but he'd never understood exactly why. He thought of himself as skinny and awkward, not to mention bad tempered and pre-occupied with work most of the time. Not a bit like Irvine, with his easy manner and golden skin, copper hair and thick, hard cock sliding easily inside him…

Damn, but that dream had been hot.

He forced his eyes open. Rinoa was still watching him as he steadily fucked his hand, running her tongue slowly over her lips.

"Oh, gods, Rin…"

She turned, and saw the need in his eyes.

"I want to be inside you," he said. "Please?"

She crawled up the bed on her hands and knees to kiss him. "How d'you want me?" she breathed against his lips.

"Like that," he panted. "Just like that."

* * * * * * *

"Oh gods," he wheezed. "Oh gods."

"Yeah," she said, a foolish grin spreading across her face. "That was… just… wow."

He reached out to take her hand, needing the contact but unable to move his body. 

They lay for a while in happy silence, getting their breath back.

"Need a shower," he said, eventually. "You?"

"Oh yes," said Rinoa. "Only I can't move."

"Me neither. What time is it?"

"Morning."

"Oh. Good."

Eventually they gathered enough energy to drag still-shaking limbs to the shower, and slid contentedly into each others' arms under the hot spray. Squall let Rinoa wash his hair, and he soaped her body, and by the time she got around to soaping his he was half-erect again; they kissed softly and stroked each other with slick fingers until they came, she shuddering against his palm, he pressing his hardness into the softness of her belly. They held each other and let the water rinse them clean.

* * * * * * *

"Enough, woman! Leave me alone!"

"Ooh, have I worn out the legendary Irvine Kinneas?" she smirked at him.

"No." He grinned at her. "But I'm very, very hungry."

"Hm. You might have a point there." She pulled her hand out from under the thin sheet that covered them here and there. Most of the blankets had fled for the safety to the floor long ago, but the soft cotton felt good wrapped around their tangled limbs. "So how do we handle the cafeteria? Do I have to come in ten minutes after you, or salute you, or should I hang around you like a groupie just in case anyone thinks me ignoring you is too suspicious?"

He kissed the top of her head. "Doesn't matter. It must be nearly nine by now, there won't be anyone hanging around to see us leave here together, and anyway, Garden should have more important things on its mind right now rather than gossiping."

"I don't want to get you into trouble."

"You won't. No groping me in the middle of the cafeteria, though."

"I'll try and remember that," she said with a grin. "Do you think I should go to classes today?"

"Well, you've already been to mine."

She laughed. Gods, he loved to hear her laugh.

"Dincht probably expects me at GF training," she said, climbing over his sated body and hopping off the bed. "What are you doing this morning?"

Irvine considered his options for a moment, watching Frila rummaging in her bag.

"Damn," she muttered, pulling out her sketch pad, journal, and a few items of laundry, "I left my shampoo at Esthar."

"Use mine," said Irvine generously. "I think I'll go see Risha first," he said. 

"Risha?"

"Yeah, you remember, the girl who lost her memory? Chet's fault?"

"Of course I do." She tapped the side of her head. "Oceanus, remember? They were junctioned a lot before Chet drove it out. Hence the whole redemption kick?" Frila threw her towel over one shoulder. " It must have been awful, first losing Oceanus and then Bane doing… whatever it did. She was something else, you know, really bright."

"So I heard. She choked her exams, though."

"She had a lot of shit at home. Her father was unbelievably strict. And it can't have been easy being ahead of everyone her own age. I don't think she was very happy."

"Poor kid."

"Is there anything… left?"

Irvine shook his head. "Ether says not. She can still do stuff." He frowned. "She was drawing last I saw her. Quite well, too."

Frila frowned. "I don't remember her being any good at art," she said. "She was more the sporty type, and a demon at cards."

"Hm." Irvine seemed lost in thought; Frila smiled, her artist's eye freezing the image of him in her mind. He was spread out amidst the swathes of white linen, his hair copper-bright in the morning sun, long limbs golden, a far away look in his warm violet eyes. Beautiful.

Once she was sure she'd remember it forever, she crept away to the shower and left him to his thoughts.

* * * * * * * 

"It's nearly nine, we ought to get dressed."

"Yeah."

Neither of them moved.

Squall leaned contentedly against the headboard of the bed, his back and shoulders covered in a large, soft towel, cuddling Rinoa to his front. His soft, sated cock brushed contentedly against her butt, and her damp hair tickled his nose. She leaned back comfortably against him, stroking the arm that held her around her middle with slow, gentle fingers. Angelo lay curled up next to them, his head on Rinoa's knee, his tail thumping occasionally. It felt right, and for now he could forget about duty and responsibility, and just enjoy feeling in love and wanted; feelings he'd enjoyed all too briefly in his life before, and wanted so, so much.

"I thought after we remembered, the dreams would stop," she said softly.

"So did I," he agreed. "Or at least I wondered. But, y'know… I don't think they're anything to do with what actually happened, at least not like that. When Ether blocked my mind about what happened between me and Irvine the other week, it said it was to keep the three of us together. It seemed to think if I remembered, I'd be pissed off at him, and it didn't like that idea at all. And you know the other night in Esthar, when we had the nightmares, and before that, back here… it only happens when we're not getting along, you, me, Irvine."

"And when we are getting along, we have nice dreams," said Rinoa, squirming happily at the memory.

"Yeah." He gave her a little squeeze. "Very. It's to keep us together, I think. Ether thinks we're stronger together than we are as individuals, so…"

"You don't think it's just because he wants the three of us to act out the dreams so it can have a nice snack?"

Squall smiled. "Maybe."

The thought hung between them for a moment.

"Would you want to?" Rinoa spoke just a fraction before Squall was about to ask the same thing.

"No," said Squall. "The dreams are nice, but… I love you. You're more than enough for me. I'd trust Irvine with my life, but…"

"Me too. I mean, Irvine's very hot, and everything…"

"Mmm," said Squall. 

"… and he's my best friend, after you. But I'm not _in _love with him, like I am with you."

"Exactly." Squall nuzzled her hair.

"So what is it Ether wants the three of us together for?"

"I don't know," said Squall. "To be honest, I've had more urgent things to worry about: Bane and the Dia and the crystals."

"Do you think they'll attack again tonight?"

"Probably. What I don't know is where. It should take them a while to get that tunnel back in use, and we'll be guarding it twenty four hours, so they'd be stupid to try it. My guess is they'll go for Trabia tonight; there are so many cave entrances around there we could never guard them all. We have to be ready to move in a hurry, maybe even bring Trabia here."

"I wonder what they want?"

Squall shrugged. "No-one knows. They just seem to be heading straight for the Gardens. It's almost as if they're just out to pick a fight."

"Well, we'll give 'em one," said Rinoa. "I know what to do now. I'll meditate this afternoon and get as much magic together as I can. And you ought to find someone who can use Yojan, it's got good fire stuff. No point me keeping it when I can make my own."

"Yeah, maybe Quistis would find it useful. So long as it's not knocked out." His eyes flickered to the clock. "I wonder what the lab found out about those crystals…"

Rinoa could feel his body tensing against her back, and knew their moment of peace had passed.

"Okay, Commander," she said, with a sigh. "Let's get back to work."

* * * * * * *

The Infirmary was teeming with SeeDs when Irvine arrived. Last night's injured were being treated or discharged by a team of nurses under Dr Kadowaki's keen supervision. He noticed Seifer, leaning against a wall, looking somehow out of place in uniform. Irvine couldn't remember ever having seen Seifer in uniform before. 

"Kinneas," he nodded as Irvine walked past.

Irvine ignored him.

"Come to find yourself a pretty nurse to fuck?"

Irvine stopped and looked back; there seemed to be little of the repentant Seifer from last night in the look he was giving him. Just the usual bitter arrogance. Although… Irvine found himself looking straight into Seifer's pale blue eyes and saw a sudden flash of pain under his customary mocking expression. Maybe Seifer was human after all. Edea clearly thought so.

"You know me," he said, not smiling. "Guns and women."

If Seifer was grateful to be greeted by something other than outright hostility for once, he didn't show it. 

"Already worn out the cadet?"

Irvine took a step back towards him, keeping his face sniper-neutral. "What cadet?" _He has to be bluffing_, he told himself. _There's no way he could know about Frila._

"The hot little redhead you left with last night."

"Alfyrd? She was on our team is all. Sorry to disappoint, Seifer, but I don't go for little girls." _Sorry, Hotshot. _

"She didn't look all that little to me."

"Maybe you should try for her yourself, then." _I'd really like to see you try, Almasy. She'll kick your ass nearly as hard as Squall did._

"Nah, not my type." The smirk on Seifer's face grew. "Besides, it would be just too bad if someone found out and got me thrown out, don'tcha think?"

Irvine desperately tried to remember what, if anything, Seifer could have seen the previous night. Surely there was nothing, he'd been so careful…

"I can't say I'd be all that disappointed to see you go," said Irvine, with considerable feeling. "Now, as much as I'm enjoying our little chat, I have someone to visit."

Seifer's face darkened. "Don't let me stop you," he said. "Just a friendly warning, is all."

Irvine struggled to keep his fist at his side, aching to pummel Seifer into the ground there and then.

__

~Sniper.~

He took a deep breath and tried his best to let the anger go, for Ether's sake. 

__

Walk away. Just walk away. He's only fishing. There's no way he could know.

"I don't need your warnings, Almasy."

"Really? That's interesting. You see, if it was me I would have been a bit more careful about things. Her room-mate was real worried about her this morning, you know. Seems she never made it back to her room last night."

__

Shit.

"Really?" _I thought Kellon was away on field duty… unless they got called back because of the war while we were away… of course they would have… shit, shit , shit…_

"Don't believe me, huh? Don't think the rules apply to someone as heroic as you? Well, you might want to ask Quistis about that. "

"Quistis? What's Quistis got to do with anything?"

"Ask her," said Seifer. "I dare you."

They locked gazes for a minute, the air between them almost crackling with animosity. Irvine could suddenly understand why Squall had always found Seifer's dares so irresistible.

"You're talking complete bullshit, Almasy."

"Am I? Well, you can ignore me then, I guess. I'm sure you won't get caught."

"I won't get caught because I'm not doing anything wrong."

"Really? So if Leonhart were to find out that his prize cadet was out after curfew it wouldn't look bad for you, then?" There was a twinkle of pure joy in Seifer's eyes as he leaned forward a little, his face closer to Irvine's than Irvine cared for. "Only I'd hate for to get you into trouble."

"Squall's the last person who's going to listen to your lies," hissed Irvine. 

"Fair comment. But I still have contacts in the Disciplinary Committee. I'd wanted to rejoin, you know, but if I'm not going to be around after all, I ought to report Red's little transgression straight away. Of course, if Leonhart were to get some good advice from someone he trusts, and decide to keep me on… well, there would be no rush, would there? I could maybe consider whether it would be worth her losing her career over one little night of indiscretion. It's just that I make mistakes sometimes, if I have to decide in a hurry, and right now it looks like I'm gonna be back in FH by daybreak tomorrow…"

"Too right you are. And don't expect me to come see you off," said Irvine. "Say what you like. No-one'll believe you. We're fighting a war, Almasy. Nobody's got time for your crap."

"Of course not," he smirked. "My mistake."

__

Don't hit him. Don't hit him. Don't hit him…

"Irvy! What you doing here.. oh!"

Irvine felt his heart jump at the sound of Selphie's voice. "Hey, Seffie. What're you doing here? Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. They just need to check me over, make sure I'm okay to return to duty properly." She smiled at him, but she looked pale and agitated. 

"Are you sure you're alright? You seem a little…"

"Ether," she almost spat the name out. "You're junctioned. Still squicks me." 

Irvine let the junction go, calling Siren instead. "Sorry," he said. "I've got to get used to that. I wasn't expecting to bump into you here."

"No, my problem." The colour returned to her face, and the sparkle to her eyes. "What you talking to this loser for?"

Irvine glanced at Seifer. "I forget," he said. "I'm sure it wasn't important."

Seifer just grinned.

Selphie caught sight of a nurse signalling to her over Irvine's shoulder. "Looks like it's my turn to get prodded. I'll see you later."

"Yeah." Irvine wanted to ask her about Xu, and the memories, but he was all too aware of Seifer's rapt attention, and decided to leave it for later. He gave Selphie a quick hug and waited until she'd disappeared off to the examination area.

"She turned you down, then," came Seifer's voice. "Funny, I always thought you two would end up together. No wonder you're reduced to chasing…"

Irvine pushed Seifer up against the wall in one fluid movement, and fastened his hand around his already marked throat. 

"If you don't shut the fuck up," he hissed, "Squall won't find enough of you left to make it worth his while kicking you out of here."

Seifer spluttered for breath, but there was victory in his eyes.

"Touched a nerve, did I?" he gasped.

Irvine was drawing his arm back to aim a blow when he felt himself being pulled back.

"Stop it, for goodness' sake." Dr Kadowaki sounded tired and angry; Irvine came quickly back to his senses with a surge of guilt, and let Seifer go. "What on earth do the pair of you think you're playing at?"

"I'm sorry," Irvine said. "I was…"

She silenced him with a look. "I don't want to hear it," she said. "If you're here to visit, go visit. If you're not, go away. Seifer Almasy, come with me. I want to make sure that concussion's gone before you go back on active duty. And if I catch either of you brawling in my Infirmary again you'll answer to your Commander. Am I understood?"

They both nodded agreement, refusing to look each other in the eye, and turned to go their separate ways.

"I meant it, about Trepe," said Seifer under his breath as he left. "She should know."

Irvine crossed to the window and looked out at the apple blossom blowing across the little garden outside the Infirmary. Breathing deeply, he did his best to banish the bad temper Seifer had instilled in him. He'd forgotten how well Seifer knew how to press people's buttons, even his. 

One thought stayed with him, though, as his anger had faded. Why Quistis? Surely if he were to confess to Quistis, or if she were to find out, then it would be game over as far as Seifer was concerned; he can't have forgotten what a stickler she was for regulations. And if he gave himself up, then Seifer wouldn't have any power over him anymore, and Irvine was absolutely certain that it was power Seifer was after.

He should warn Squall, probably, that Seifer knew. Or thought he knew. Damn, that wouldn't go down well. It was only yesterday he'd promised to be careful, and after Squall had been so decent about it all, and specifically said that Quistis shouldn't find out…

Something clicked in Irvine's mind, and his eyes widened.

He could hardly believe he was thinking this. But…

What if Quistis and Squall had… and what if Seifer had found out? Or, more likely still, what if Seifer had put Squall up to it? Irvine remembered their half-drunken conversation on the night of Zell's birthday: Squall had good as confessed to embarking on sexual adventures because Seifer dared him. What if screwing his instructor had come under that category? No wonder he'd been so understanding about Irvine and Frila, and it would explain why Quistis had been fired from her Instructor's post without ever saying why…

Maybe he should talk to Quistis, after all.

* * * * * * *

"Are those the crystal reports? Any ideas?"

Laguna looked at Squall over the top of the sheaf of papers he was reading with a helpless grin. "Reports aren't my thing," he confessed. "Usually Kiros…"

Squall took the reports from him with a disapproving frown. "Let me see." He rustled through the papers, eyes swiftly skimming the contents.

"Good morning, by the way," said Laguna.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, 'morning," said Squall, already absorbed in his reading. "Ah! Here it is… um… oh."

"Useful?" asked Laguna, leaning casually back in his chair.

"I don't know," confessed Squall. "Algebra was never my strong point."

"Me neither. Quisty said the labs would get a summary to us by lunchtime."

Squall's frown deepened for a second, before his expression softened and he smiled. "Sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to imply…"

"Yep, you did," said Laguna, happily. "It's okay. I know you're brighter than me. You get it from your mother."

The faintest of shadows crossed Squall's face. 

"She'd be proud of you," his father told him, softly.

"I hope so," Squall murmured. He shuffled the papers into a neat stack, and put them carefully back on his desk.

"If you've got a minute," said Laguna, "I'd like to talk with you."

"Sure." Squall sat opposite Laguna and flicked through the pile of mail in his in-tray.

"It's about Quistis."

Squall looked up, surprised. "What about her? Is she okay?"

"I'm not sure."

"What's wrong? She seemed fine yesterday."

"She would do," said Laguna. "Above all else, Quistis is a professional. She'd never let you down."

"Of course. I can depend on Quisty better than anyone. So what's up?"

Laguna paused for a moment, choosing his words carefully.

"Did she seem to be behaving oddly at all? Before you went to Esthar, I mean. Especially after Selphie went missing?"

Squall thought back over the past few weeks, months even. He couldn't actually remember having seen that much of her at all…

He frowned. "I didn't notice anything," he said. "Why?"

"I think she's been depressed. Possibly for a long time."

"Depressed?" _The crystals? Of course, the memory change. That kind of interference with the brain could have all sorts of side effects… _"You think it could be part of the effects of the crystals? Or Bane, or… I could get Irvine to check her mind, and…"

"No," said Laguna, with a slight smile. "From what I can tell, it's not anything out of the ordinary. She's just depressed, Squall. She's lonely, and undervalued, and she's doing a job she hates."

Squall looked confused, his heart sinking. "What? She's never said anything."

Laguna raised and eyebrow. "And this is from Mr Whatever? Since when did not saying anything mean you weren't hurting?"

"But… that's me. I'm screwed up, everyone knows that." Squall gave his father a wry grin. "But Quistis… she's the sanest of all of us. She knows we all think the world of her, and if she wasn't happy in her job, she only had to tell me. Fuck, after all she did for this stupid world, she could have any job she wanted. But she always said she was fine, she's good at the strategic stuff, and she works so hard…"

"It didn't occur to you that what she's done, she's done out of duty?"

"Duty? But…"

"You need to talk to her."

Squall looked down at the desk, tracing the grain in the wood with one finger.

"I'm crap at talking to people. You ask Rinoa. I really suck at it."

"If you're going to lead these people, Squall, you need to learn."

There was an edge of authority in Laguna's voice, just enough to remind Squall that the advice came from professional experience as well fatherly concern.

Squall fought to stop himself just glaring at Laguna and telling him it was none of his business. "I know," he admitted, instead. "I just don't pick up stuff. How do you know all this? About Quistis? Has she said anything to you?"

__

It was obvious, thought Laguna. _You only had to look at her._ "Yes, eventually she did. Once I asked. I might not be any good at this," he prodded the pile of reports on the desk between them with a savage finger, "but I do know when people are hurting, and it was all over her face."

"I didn't know," said Squall, amazed. "Poor Quisty. And she was just being brave?"

Laguna nodded.

"So what… if it wasn't magical, if it wasn't the enemy… what was it? What happened to make her unhappy?"

"Things don't always have one big cause, when it comes to people. I don't know, is the real answer. I don't think she does, either, come to think of it. But I thought you should be aware of it, because she's not as tough as she looks right now, and I can see we're not headed towards a summer of cultural sharing with our new tentacled friends."

"No. I… I need help, here," Squall admitted. "I'll try to talk to her, but… what do I say?"

"You'll work it out," said Laguna. "Try listening to her first. Then be nice. You can do it."

"I wouldn't be so sure," said Squall, only half-joking. "Will you keep an eye on her for me, too? If she's already opened up to you…"

Laguna smiled. "Of course. Actually, I…"

They were interrupted by trill of Squall's phone. 

"That'll be Edea, about Seifer," Squall said. "I don't suppose you could help me out with that one, too?"

Laguna laughed. "Oh no," he said, leaning back casually in his chair once more. "Not Seifer. Not if I can help it."

"Thanks," said Squall sarcastically, raising the phone to his ear. "Edea? Hi. Fine… thanks… yeah, about Seifer… oh. But…."

His face fell.

Laguna busied himself with the meaningless paperwork in front of him, not wanting to eavesdrop but aware nonetheless that the conversation wasn't going Squall's way.

It looked as if they might be stuck with Seifer Almasy after all.

* * * * * * *

"Irvine!"

She caught him off balance as she flew at him, flinging thin arms around his neck with a squeal of joy. He hugged her back with a big smile. 

"Did you bring chocolate again?" She looked at him with huge, excited eyes.

"Of course," he said. "As if I'd forget."

She sat on the bed, patting the space next to her. "You've been away," she observed. "The nurses said. On a mission."

"That's right." Irvine sat next to her and handed her a large paper bag. She was dressed in jeans and a pink T-shirt, her hair tied back with a bit of pink fluff, pink sneakers on her feet.

"Oh, comics," she cooed in delight. "And pencils! Oh, thank you!"

"They're special Estharian pencils," said Irvine. "Some of them glow in the dark."

"I love them! Oh, you're so kind. I remember, you got rid of that thing in my mind, and now I'm getting better all the time. I understand more, and I'm not sad now. Can I wear your hat again?"

He plonked it on her head. "Anytime, kid." He glanced at the wall behind them; it was covered in all kinds of drawings. He recognised the one she'd started the last time he was here: the beach, Risha, the sea with one huge wave cresting over the sand.

"I wanted to ask you something," she beamed happily at him. "When you came in my head, you had someone with you?"

Irvine thought for a moment. "Oh, you mean my Guardian? That's Ether, sweetheart. It helped me to get rid of the thing in your head. You know what a Guardian is?"

"Oh yes! The nurses told me. They said you both really helped Risha, before..." She looked sad, for a moment. "I liked him," she added. "Will you say thank you for me?"

"Of course. Princess, when you say we helped Risha…"

"Hmmm?"

"You know some people think you _are_ Risha? I mean, you sure look a lot like her, for one thing."

"Yes," she whispered. "But Risha's not here anymore."

Irvine took her hand gently in his. So small, so fragile.

"If you're not Risha, sweetheart… who are you?"

"Oh!" She looked up at him with excited, glittering eyes. "That's what I wanted to tell you! I remembered! I'm Sanke!"

Irvine felt his stomach lurch. He'd hoped she would be alright. She looked so happy, and he thought perhaps without the mind block, she'd remember who she really was, and even if she never got her memory back, she would still be alright.

He wondered if he'd done this to her, if any of the times he and Ether had put her to sleep they had inadvertently hurt her, or maybe he had…

He noticed the mark on her wrist. About the size of a strawberry, puckered slightly like a scar…

His blood ran cold.

"It's a nice name, isn't it? Don't you think so? Are you alright, Irvine?"

He forced a smile. "It's a lovely name, sweetheart. How did you get those marks?"

"I told you last time, silly. It's an allergy. Don't know what to. It won't fade, but I don't mind. At least it's not anywhere that really shows…"

Irvine raised her wrist to his lips and kissed the scar. "It's pretty," he said. "It give you an air of mystery. That's a very good thing for a girl to have."

She beamed at him. "Really?"

"Really. Look, I'm sorry, Princess, I…"

"Sanke, remember? I have a name now, it's Sanke!"

He smiled. "I'm sorry. Sanke. It's a very pretty name, too." Actually, it kind of suited her, he thought. "I've just remembered something really important I have to do. But I'll come back real soon."

"Oh," she looked disappointed. "I thought maybe you could stay and talk a while. You're nice."

"I'll be back later today, I promise. I'll help you escape and we can go for a walk. I bet I can get past the nurses. How does that sound?"

"Ooh, that would be good! Okay then. But don't be long. I'll save some chocolate for you."

"Thank you Prin… Sanke." He gave her hand a little squeeze, and reclaimed his hat. 

He was careful not to let her see his fury, holding it in his guts in a tight little ball as he left her cubicle. He walked casually down the corridor, past the window that looked out over the garden, past the wall where he'd pinned Seifer, past the crowd of SeeDs in the waiting area. He spotted Selphie, just about to leave.

"Selphie!" She turned to him with a smile.

"Hey, Irvy, do you want lunch? I…"

"Where's Xu?"

"What?"

"Where's Xu?" he repeated, the anger uncoiling inside of him and plain in his eyes.

"She's in the lab. Have you been to see Risha?"

He felt her hand on his arm, looked down and caught a glimpse of the mark, just above one breast. The scar from the crystal. The same.

"Let go of me, Selphie." He tried to push past her, but she blocked his way.

"No. We need to talk."

"It can wait. Selphie, stop it. Let me by."

"It's not what you think."

He glared at her with blazing eyes. "What?"

"Xu didn't mean to hurt Risha. She was trying to help her."

He searched her vivid green eyes for a moment. "How do you mean, trying to help her?"

Her hand was still firm on his arm, but they both relaxed a little.

"Not here," said Selphie. "Come to the Quad with me. I'll explain to you there."

Irvine paused for a moment. The desire to go to the lab, find Xu and demand the truth out of her was still strong. But Selphie waited, determination all over her pretty little face. She knew him too well to think he could hold that kind of temper for long. 

"Okay," he said. "I'll listen."

* * * * * * *

To Irvine's surprise, Squall was waiting for them in the Quad, sitting on a bench with Lionheart by his side. He didn't look happy, although he managed a rare smile as he saw them approach. 

"Hey," he said. "I heard you had a bit of an argument with Almasy in the Infirmary."

"Oh. Sorry," said Irvine, hoping Squall wasn't about to ask for details. "He annoyed me."

Squall sighed. "Looks like we're going to have to get used to it," he said. "Edea was very… persuasive."

Irvine winced. "Really? Not the old 'don't use that tone of voice with me, I remember when you were in short trousers' kind of persuasion?"

"Almost," said Squall. "She managed to make me feel like I was being petty, holding a little thing like him trying to kill us and take over the world as an evil sidekick against him."

"So we're stuck with him?"

"Yeah." Squall stroked the engraving on Lionheart's blade affectionately. "But we don't have to be nice to him, though. She agreed he needs a kick up the arse."

"Well, that's comforting."

"Hmm." Squall looked up at Selphie, blinking in the bright noonday sun. "What was it, Selph? I'm supposed to be taking Rinoa a sandwich around now."

Selphie grinned. "That's cute," she said. "You're taking care of her!"

"So?" snapped Squall, but a blush spread across his cheeks. "She's meditating. She's not supposed to leave the forest."

"Don't be a grump," said Selphie. "I think it's lovely."

"Seffie," said Irvine, "I don't have all day, either."

Her face grew more serious. "Alright. After Xu explained about the memories yesterday, she fessed up about something else as well."

"So she admits to changing the past?" said Irvine.

"Yes, but Bane was involved too, it wasn't her idea. I'll explain that later. There's something else I need to tell you, before you go off the deep end about Risha."

"Risha?" Squall raised an eyebrow. "What's she got to do with it?"

"Someone got in her head," said Irvine. "She has marks on her wrists, like Selphie has from Chet. And they weren't there when we first took her to the Infirmary. Xu did something to her, didn't she?"

"Yes," said Selphie, "but it's not what you think."

"Really?" Irivine's voice hardened as the anger welled up inside him again. "She didn't use the crystals to wipe Risha's fucking memory, then?"

"Oh," Selphie gasped, surprised. "Well, yes. But…"

"She didn't get it, either," said Irvine. "She told me Risha was better off, without her memory. You remember, Squall? She said it was better than the fear."

Squall frowned. "Yeah," he said, "I…"

"She was right," said Selphie. "Believe me, I know."

"She killed her," said Irvine. "I could've helped."

"No. You couldn't."

They glared at each other in wordless argument for a moment, before Squall interjected: "was this anything to do with Bane?"

"No," said Selphie, dragging her eyes away from Irvine's. "Chet and Bane had gone by then. She honestly thought it was the right thing to do, and I agree with her. I saw people like Risha, in Chet's labs, people like me, only… they hadn't had the strength to keep themselves sane. If you hadn't found me, I would have been like that, with that thing in my head and… I would've rather died. There's no way back, for them, Irvine."

"Ether learned how to get rid of it. I got it out of your head," he said, reasonably. "I can get whatever's left out of Xu's now, if she'll let me. I could've got it out of Risha's."

"It's not the same," said Selphie, gently. "You can get rid of the echo, but the fear's still there. Once it's been there, once you've felt it… you got rid of Bane, and I'm grateful for that. But you didn't get rid of my fear of Bane. I did."

Irvine closed his eyes. "It's still not right," he said. "She had no right."

"You couldn't have done anything," said Selphie, gently. "You tried your best. Xu told me what you did, how great you were. If Xu hadn't stepped in you would have ended up hurting yourself and… your Guardian. You couldn't keep her asleep forever. Bane would've taken over more and more, until…"

"She's right," said Squall. "It was hurting you. You did your best, man."

Irvine slumped on the bench, his face in his hands. "I promised her," he said. "I promised I'd help."

Selphie looked helplessly at Squall. He met her gaze and scooted closer to Irvine.

"I know." He put a tentative arm around his friend's shoulders. "It's okay. She's still alive, at least. She might get her memory back, one day, we don't know for certain…"

"Well…" said Selphie.

They both looked up at her.

"There is something there," said Irvine. "She can communicate fine, and she can draw and write, and she does remember the beach, because she can draw it, so…"

"Exactly," said Selphie. "She shouldn't be able to. Xu doesn't understand what's happened, and neither do the medical team. She should be just… a shell. She should be able to learn again, sometimes there's brain damage but the Doc said not so... But she's learning too fast, faster all the time. And she shouldn't have any memory of anything before Xu cleared her mind. Yet she's been talking about the beach, and the sea, and Risha, all the time."

Squall frowned. "So, she might be alright after all?"

Irvine shook her head. "She's not recovering as Risha. She seems to think she's someone else. The way she was talking this morning it was as if she'd known Risha, but Risha was gone… I never did psych, but could she maybe be reinventing herself?"

Squall checked his watch. "Ask the Doc to keep looking into it, man. I've got to go."

"That's right," said Selphie. "Can't let her lose her concentration through hunger, eh?"

Squall chose to ignore that comment. "Look after yourselves. I'm going to need everyone back on top form tonight."

Selphie snaked her arm through Irvine's. 

"Lunch?" she said, hopefully, her big green eyes searching his, checking he wasn't mad at her.

"Sounds good," he said, with a grin.

* * * * * * *

Xu pushed her glasses up on top of her head, rubbing her tired eyes with tense fists. The characters on the screen were blurring together, she'd been working for so long. It can't have been later than three in the morning when she'd crept out of Selphie's bed and come here to work, and now it was gone noon. But she couldn't stop.

She had to make it better. She'd let too many people down. She'd thought she'd lost Selphie, and this was a second chance she didn't feel she even deserved, her one shot at proving she could be trusted again. She was determined not to mess it up.

There was so little to work with. If only she could find a hundredth of what Chet had done before he went, they would be so much closer. Not on Bane, even, any part of his crystal research, or…

She opened her eyes, blinked.

What about his work at Esthar? Squall's report from their mission said that he'd worked with Odine on Gemini Pandora and Guardian cloning, that there were publications. Maybe something… anything… would give her a clue as to how he came to work with the Dia…

She put her glasses back on her nose and started to type, logging swiftly into Odine's databanks, racking her brains to remember passwords and security codes. Finally she came to the files on Gemini, and Chet's experiments.

__

Yes!

She read quickly, not noticing as first one hour passed, then another. Her assistant brought her a sandwich and a pot of tea, but they remained untouched on the tray. She kept reading, file after file of Chet and Odine's experiments. As time went on Odine's input lessened, which meant that the reports were easier to read, at least. 

But they finished too soon; his last entry in the lab's research log was to say he was going to Balamb Garden to take up a teaching post and continue his research where there were more Guardians available for study. That much, she knew. She scrolled back through the log, disappointed that she'd found nothing they didn't already know, except a million and one reasons why cloning Guardians didn't work. It wasn't even good science; Chet's methods seemed to have become increasingly sloppy and his experiments were at best unreliable. Of course, she couldn't have expected much; Squall would have had Kiros look through these files already. It was foolish to think that just because she'd worked with the man and been terrorised by him, she might find something others had missed.

She was tired, skim reading, rapidly losing heart, and she very nearly missed it herself after all. Her finger was poised to close the screen down when she spotted it. A short entry, just a few days before Chet's departure from Esthar. Ironically enough, she'd nearly missed it because she _couldn't_ read it: the letters were jumbled nonsense. A code.

Tiredness forgotten, her fingers danced over her keyboard as she worked to decipher the meaningless text. It didn't take long. Chet had obviously never anticipated that anyone would be bothered to look this hard.

One final keystroke, and the short sentence of seemingly random characters transformed into a pages of eloquent prose. She read hungrily, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth in concentration.

At last, she'd found what she was looking for.


	34. Whispers

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Feedback very welcome, here or by e-mail (_fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk__)_

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Memories 34 - Whispers

Irvine leaned back in his chair, his hat tipped far enough back that he could still see out, but shading his eyes so that people couldn't really tell whether he was awake or asleep. His usual briefings pose.

Squall was speaking in his authoritative, commander-voice, all of his considerable charisma in force, which ensured that the audience of senior ranking SeeDs were listening with rapt attention. Irvine was already committed to follow Squall's lead wherever it might take him, so he allowed himself the luxury of letting his attention drift away from the motivational speech. Instead he scanned the faces of his friends and colleagues, remembering other times, other speeches, other missions. It was a huge credit to Squall that so many of them were still there to be lectured to. Irvine wondered if Squall had ever taken the time to think how well he'd protected and nurtured Balamb Garden during his two short years as Commander. 

Of course, he couldn't have done it without Quistis. 

He watched her as she sat by Squall's side, looking up at him and following his every word, her deep blue eyes drinking it all in, her mouth set in a determined line. It wasn't difficult to imagine her being in love with Squall. Irvine found himself considering how it might have been for the two of them, instructor and student; Quisty falling for the undeniable charms of a young Squall Leonhart, unable to match her natural love of all things regulatory with her unquenchable desire for that hot body, for all that leather and inscrutability. And for Squall's part, emotionally crippled as he was back then, taking a dare from Seifer, another turn in the endless game the two of them had played out through their adolescent rivalry.

Poor Quistis. No wonder she got so depressed.

He was disturbed from his reflection by the unexpected swish of the door opening just behind him. He felt Selphie come to life at his side, suddenly alert, and he knew it was Xu who'd just come in, without having to look.

She leaned over to whisper in Selphie's ear; Selphie's eyes went bright and she squealed, having to be silenced by Xu's gentle hand over her mouth. Then Xu was scribbling something on Selphie's notepad that Irvine couldn't quite see. He _could_ see Xu's fingers, though, gently ruffling Selphie's hair at her neck, just how she liked it.

He looked away.

Selphie ripped Xu's note off her pad and made her way not very surreptitiously to the front of the briefing hall, where she plonked it in front of Quistis. There was a lot of whispering, so much so that Squall stopped somewhere around "our mission is to protect the people of Balamb" and glared at the two of them.

Quistis tugged his arm until he lowered his head, and whispered something in his ear. He looked suddenly excited, pleased even, and looked up to where Xu stood, next to Selphie's empty seat.

"I'm sorry," he said, not looking sorry at all. "We have new information. I'll get back to you as soon as I've got the details. This briefing will reconvene, please go back to your usual duties and await further instructions." 

There was a general hubub and some surprised milling about as the room cleared. Squall signalled for Irvine and Xu to join him and the others at the front of the hall. His eyes were glinting silver-blue with excitement; Irvine could almost taste the adrenaline pumping through his friend's body.

"We think we know how the crystals work," he explained, as the door shut behind the last of their fellow SeeDs. "Xu's managed to find some of Chet's notes."

Irvine wasn't the sort of person who got fired up by science, but he listened dutifully as Xu explained what she'd found. He noticed the old shine of hope back in her eyes, the pride on Selphie's face; he could sense Squall's relief, Quistis' triumph, Zell's impatient excitement. He locked eyes briefly with Laguna, who didn't seem that interested either; they shared a smile. 

"If Chet was right," Squall was saying in his calm, low voice, "and we've every reason to believe he was, the crystals really are part of the Dia. They enter them in their liquid form as parasites, solidify and eventually graft themselves to the Dians' tissue. They get energy from their hosts, and in return they give them the means by which to stun their prey."

"The music!" said Selphie, clasping her hands excitedly in front of her. "That's why the GFs get knocked out!"

"And some people," added Xu. "In Chet's experiments, the natural liquid form of the crystals can cause susceptible individuals to go into a kind of trance. That's how come it can be used alongside the crystals for… mind control." A shadow passed her face at this, and Irvine looked at his feet, fighting a sudden surge of anger as he recalled the scars on Risha's wrists.

"Why was Chet interested in all this?" Quistis asked. "Was he trying to take over the world before he came here, then? Odine and Kiros don't seem to think so."

"That's the really exciting part," said Xu, her eyes gleaming. "At least, it doesn't really affect the war," she shot Squall an apologetic look, "but as a scientific theory… He was trying to find a way of creating new Guardians. We know he tried cloning, and he had some interesting findings from his experiments with Gemini, but with the Dians he'd developed a new idea. The relationship between the Dians and their crystals is like a junction, you see. The Dians take in the crystal parasites when they're both very young, and because they grow together they develop in harmony. You know how close you get to a Guardian when you're junctioned a lot, and fight with them and everything? Well, for the Dians, the junctions with the crystals becomes permanent, until they're one hybrid being. A remarkably simple idea, really, but it's the chemical relationship the Dia have with the crystals that Chet thought might work for GF synthesis. It's sort of like grafting in plants. The only thing is, like the Dians and their crystals, the junction would probably become permanent, and almost certainly exclusive."

"That's disgusting," said Zell. "That's… horrible."

"Yes," Xu nodded. "And dangerous, Chet recognised that. He came here to study junctions in more detail, to try and find a way of testing his theory without imposing any permanent junctions."

"Hyne," said Selphie. "What if… oh gods, Xu, what if you junctioned something permanently and it turned out like Bane?"

A hush fell on the group of them as they each contemplated what it would be like, to have a Guardian always in their heads.

"Even if the Guardian wasn't harmful, the memory loss would be catastrophic," said Quistis. 

"And it would be… you wouldn't ever be able to be by yourself," said Zell. "It would know everything."

Irvine smiled to himself. He was pretty sure that Ether already did know everything about him. But he shared Zell's concern, just the same. There had been too many times, especially recently, when he really hadn't wanted Ether around.

"But he hasn't actually done it?" Selphie looked at Xu, begging for reassurance as much as anything. "It was just a theory, right?"

"Yes," said Xu. "It would have taken years of research before he would have been ready. But we need to remember Bane." Xu saw Selphie's face fall, and reached out to squeeze her hand. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but Bane could have made things happen faster. We don't know what Chet was working on while he was here. We do know that it involved the Dia. And there's another thing. Until Chet came here we were hardly even aware of the Dians. They were just another monster, subterranean and mostly harmless as far as humans are concerned. Certainly not capable of starting a war. They only became organised recently."

"A few months ago," said Squall. "After…"

"… Chet got Bane," Xu finished for him. "I think Bane saw an opportunity in Chet to get the Dian's all fired up and wanting world domination."

"Why?" Quistis asked. "What's in it for Bane?"

"Conflict," said Irvine. "It just wants us all mad at each other. Right, Xu?"

He glanced at her from under his hat; she was chewing her lower lip, and her eyes flickered nervously to his. "It feeds on fear and conflict," she said quietly. "If it wants more, it makes you go pick a fight."

"Oh," said Zell, "you mean like Ether makes Irvine fuck people."

Irvine snorted indignance, while the others laughed, as much to relieve the tension of all these new discoveries as anything else. "He does _not_ make me do things." Irvine glowered at Zell. "I'm quite capable of fucking on my own, thank you." 

Even Squall started laughing at that.

Irvine tipped his hat back to give Zell the full benefit of his glare.

"Irvine's right," said Xu, softly. "I think Chet is leading the Dians to war under Bane's influence. And maybe, in a twisted kind of way, because he's bitter that he couldn't do the research he wanted. That Odine wouldn't take his theories seriously. I don't know."

Laguna's phone rang; he wandered off to the corner of the room to take the call.

"The point is," Selphie was saying, practically jumping up and down with excitement, "we know how it works! We know that it's the crystals that emit the sound, and we know of one Guardian it doesn't effect. There's probably others. And I was able to block it out to some extent, in Chet's lab. All we need to do is find out how that works and hey presto!" she bounced. "We can shut them up, get Rinoa and the fire Guardians in there and burn them to gloopy ashes! Isn't that right, Xu?"

"Yes, Selphie," said Xu quiety. "Although I'm not sure about the gloopy ashes. But that's our proposal, Squall. What do you think?"

Squall was practically grinning. "Take whatever you need," he said. "Frila will help you with Oceanus. Report back as soon as you've got something."

"Right!" beamed Selphie, grasping Xu's hand in hers. "Come on, sweetie. Let's go to your lab and find the ultimate weapon. Woohoo!"

Irvine couldn't help but smile.

Laguna returned as Selphie raced out of the hall, dragging a somewhat bemused Xu in her wake.

"Trabia are here," he said, "Galbadia are expected within the hour. Are you sure about this, Squall? It leaves the ordinary people of Galbadia and Trabia very exposed, both Gardens coming here."

Squall shook his head. "Not if Xu's right," he said. "And I think she is. There's been no attacks on civilians. Whether it's that Chet's got a grudge, or that Bane knows we'll give him a better fight, I don't know. But they'll come here, you can bank on it. And our best chance right now is to overwhelm them with numbers."

Laguna shrugged. "Okay. We'd best go meet the new arrivals, anyhow," he said. "Should we have a welcome committee?"

Squall nodded. "Yep. Then we can talk about revising our plans for tonight. We reconvene in…" he checked his watch, "make it two hours. That takes us to just a little before sundown, and hopefully Xu and Selphie will have something for us by then. You coming, Quisty? I'd like a word with you, if you've got time?"

He turned to Quistis with a rare smile. She looked a little surprised, but pleased. "Sure," she said. "I'll just finish up here and get the change of plan announced, and I'll be right with you."

"Thanks," said Squall. "Thanks to all of you. I knew we'd come through."

"We haven't beaten them yet," Laguna reminded him.

"No," Squall conceded. "But at least we've improved the odds."

Irvine didn't leave with the others. He busied himself gathering up papers while Quistis made a few rapid calls, watching her out of the corner of his eye. Eventually she clicked her phone shut. 

"You still here, Irvine?" she smiled at him.

"Yeah," he said. "I was wondering if we could have a little chat?"

"Of course. What's up?"

"Well, it's something Seifer told me."

Quistis stared at him, all the blood draining from her face.

"Oh shit," she said.

* * * * * * *

Irvine filled a glass with water from the jug on the dais, and passed it to a grateful Quistis.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to upset you."

Quistis gave him a watery smile. "It's alright. What did he say?"

"Nothing, really. He… kind of hinted… this isn't a surprise to you, is it?"

"Not really." She looked sadly at him. "He'd already sort of… warned me he would. I suppose you must hate me."

Irvine shook his head. "Of course not, Quisty. We all make mistakes. I mean, I've made mistakes. Too." _I'm involved with a cadet myself, right now. Damn. Why can't I just come out and say it?_

"Yes, but… I hope he doesn't tell anyone else. I couldn't bear it. Oh gods." She buried her face in her hands. "Squall will completely freak."

So he was right, then. _Squall, you old dog. _

"When did… um… was this anything to do with why you lost your job, Quisty?"

She nodded. "We got caught in the training centre, the day of his field exam in Dollet. Cid had no choice but to fire me."

Of course. Squall had mentioned, once, that Quistis had come on to him after the Graduation ball, after she'd lost her job. He'd said he'd turned her down; hadn't mentioned he was the one who'd got her demoted in the first place. _What a bastard. He just did it on a dare from Seifer and then abandoned her._

"Weren't you mad at him?" he asked. 

"Oh yeah," she said. "You bet. He was always a difficult bastard, though. I mean, I'd been his Instructor all that time… he was just so fucking attractive. I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. I still can't."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Quisty. Everyone makes mistakes." _Speaking of which…_

"I suppose everyone's going to know now. Seifer won't be happy until he's spread it all round Garden."

"Well, not necessarily, Quisty. I could have a little chat with him and point out that if he tells anyone else, he'll be doing it at the cost of his limbs."

She gave him a brave little smile, and patted him on the thigh.

"Thanks Irvine. You're a good friend."

"Anyway, as soon as he spills he loses his secret. I think his little game is to blackmail his way to SeeD. So it's not in his interests to tell anyone until…"

"That's true," pondered Quistis with a frown. "I wonder why he told you?"

"Er… ah." _Damn._ Irvine looked helplessly at her.

He was saved by the swoosh of the door.

Laguna was standing there, smiling. "We were wondering where you'd got to," he said. "Hey, Quisty, are you alright?"

She was already nodding, her lips parted to reassure him, when she looked up and met his concerned gaze, and her expression changed. "I…"

Irvine looked from Quistis to Laguna and back to Quistis again. 

"I'll get going," he said. "I'll tell them you'll be there in a minute, alright?"

"No, Irvine, you don't have to…" Quistis started. 

Irvine silenced her with a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay," he said, in a low voice. "You think you should tell Laguna before Seifer…?"

She nodded.

"I think it's for the best," said Irvine. "In the circumstances and all. I'll see you later."

"Thanks," she said, sounding a little shaky.

Irvine left her with a smile, and made good his escape.

* * * * * * *

Squall paced his office nervously, wishing Rinoa was there to give him some advice. He'd spent the past half hour with Laguna talking to Trabian SeeDs, all of whom seemed very young and idealistic, and worryingly cheerful about risking their lives on the battlefield. Laguna had told him Quistis was feeling a bit low, so he knew this was the right time to take his father's advice, to let her know he valued her, to tell her if she was worried about anything she could drop in for a chat and…

He slumped down in the big leather chair. Who was he kidding?

She knocked once, briskly, and came in.

"Squall?"

She looked nervous. Damn, had he got so scary that even _Quistis_ was frightened of him?

"Hi Quisty. Come in. You okay?"

"Fine, thanks. You wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Yeah." He got up again, and resumed his pacing. "Thing is… well… I was talking to Laguna, and he said you…"

"Laguna?" There was an edge of anger to her voice that took Squall completely by surprise.

"Yeah. He said he'd talked to you and…"

"He _told _you?!"

"Well… yes. Why, shouldn't he have?" asked Squall, helplessly.

"No! He fucking shouldn't! He promised, I made him promise, he… fuck, how _dare_ he…"

"Hang on, Quistis. He had your own interests at heart. He didn't mean to…"

"He's _your_ father, not mine! He has no _right_ to tell you things, not… not those kind of things."

"Quis, I…" Squall was entirely lost, and not a little relieved when the door opened and Irvine came in. 

"Hi guys," he was saying, "sorry to barge in… oh." He looked around, realising he was obviously interrupting some kind of argument, and turned to leave again. "Sorry, I'll…"

"No!" yelled Squall, desperately. "Hang on, Irvine. I need to… er…"

"You may as well stay," mumbled Quistis. "You know already. Everybody fucking knows."

Squall looked pleadingly at Irvine.

"It's between you two, really," said Irvine. "I don't want to intrude."

"Well, it's not just between us, is it?" said Quistis. "It'll be all over Garden soon. I may as well resign now and be done with it."

"Surely there's no need for that," said Irvine. "I mean, it's no-one else's business really, is it?"

"What isn't?" asked Squall, with some trepidation.

"You know," said Irvine. "The training centre."

Squall blinked. "What about the training centre?"

"You. Quisty. The training centre. The day you graduated, when you… you know, the two of you… Seifer told…" Irvine tailed off, taking in the stares of blank incomprehension that Squall and Quistis were sending in his direction.

"When we what, exactly?" asked Squall.

"You know," said Irvine uncertainly. "When you…"

Quistis arched an eyebrow.

"Oh."

Squall sighed. "Please, someone tell me what's going on."

Quistis had turned to Irvine. "You idiot," she said. "It wasn't _Squall. _It was Seifer!"

"Seifer?" said Squall, weakly.

"Seifer?!" said Irvine, in complete disbelief.

Quistis started to massage her aching temples. "I got fired as an instructor because Cid caught me shagging Seifer in the training centre. After the Dollet mission. You remember, Squall, he and his posse ran off in the car, leaving you guys to walk? We'd arranged to meet. It had been going on for a while, although looking back I think he was just trying to improve his grades." There were tears in her eyes. "It was completely humiliating. Not just that Cid walked in on me being fucked into the training centre wall by Seifer Almasy. Losing my job. Being demoted. Losing everything I'd worked so hard for. And to cap it all, he just _laughed…_"

Squall was closest to her; he reached out to touch her shoulder, but she flinched away, bursting into tears. "I don't want your pity!" she spluttered. "I didn't want you to know, _ever_, and I can't believe Laguna… I _trusted_ him, I thought… oh gods. You shouldn't see me like this, I have to… excuse me."

She ran from the room, sobbing, pushing Squall away when he tried to stop her.

"Let her go, man," said Irvine, wisely. "We can talk to her again when she's had a cry."

Squall blinked. 

"Well, I stuffed that up even more than usual," he said.

"Stuffed what up, exactly?" Irvine didn't know whether he was more relieved that Squall hadn't been quite such a bastard to Quistis as he'd thought, or shocked that Quistis had had any kind of a … relationship... with Seifer.

"Cheering up Quisty," said Squall. He looked a little numb. "Did she _really _say…"

"Seifer. Hmm. Yes, I really think she did. Laguna hadn't told you, then?"

"No! He just said she'd been depressed, and I should talk to her." He frowned. "I was trying to do the right thing," he said, plaintively.

"I think it's been a bit of a… misunderstanding," said Irvine carefully.

The frown was back on Squall's face. "You thought it was me," he said.

"Ah. Um. Well…"

"You thought I'd had an affair with Quistis and got her sacked."

"I kind of… jumped to a conclusion," said Irvine sheepishly. "I'm sorry, man. I just.. well, I mean, Seifer, who'd've thought it, eh?"

Squall looked at him for a moment.

And burst out laughing.

__

Twice in one day, thought Irvine. _Aren't I the comedian, all of a sudden. _But he grinned, just the same. Seeing Squall laugh was a rare and wonderful thing, after all.

"I'm sorry," gasped Squall. "It's just… poor Quistis. Nobody knew anything. And she…"

"I think it's for the best," said Irvine. "It's an awful secret for her to have had all this time."

"Yeah," said Squall, between helpless giggles. "No, really," his laughter faded as he suddenly thought of Laguna. "She thinks Laguna told me, and he didn't. He really didn't. He was only looking out for her, and she's going to be mad at him and… gods, I must tell her." He pulled out his phone and dialled frantically. "Shit, she's already on the line. Damn."

"It's alright," said Irvine. "I'll go find her. It's the least I can do, after… well, it's the least I can do."

"Thanks," said Squall. "I need to go fetch Rinoa from the forest now if I'm going to be back in time to meet Galbadia. I owe you one."

Irvine tipped his hat, and raced after Quistis.

* * * * * * *

Laguna's door slid open, and he gave Quistis a warm smile.

She slapped him smartly round the face.

"Ow!" He yelled. "What was that for?"

"You told Squall." There was huge hurt in her eyes, he realised, betrayal.

"Told Squall what?"

"About me and Seifer."

"No I didn't! What d'you mean? I wouldn't do that."

"You promised. Dammit, Laguna I thought you were my friend. I thought I could trust you…"

"I am your friend! Quistis, what…" Laguna looked even more confused than Squall had. "Quistis, I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't! Why would I do such a thing? It must have been Seifer, or maybe Irvine… look, why don't you come in and…"

Quistis' phone rang; she answered it. "Hello? …. Oh, Martine. Hi. Yes, of course. He'll be right there." She clicked to end the call and gave Laguna a cold stare. "Martine's come ahead of Galbadia Garden," she said. "He wants to meet with you immediately. Squall's unavailable."

"Come with me?" he begged. "You know I can't handle Martine."

"Sorry," she said. "I'm suddenly unaccountably busy with rosters." She spat the word out like poison.

She turned and strode down the corridor, leaving Laguna to clutch his suddenly cramping leg in agony.

* * * * * * *

Frila was taking a break from the lab when Galbadia Garden arrived. She was sitting on the wall by the main entrance, carefully avoiding Seifer, who had been showing an alarming tendency to follow her whenever she emerged from Xu and Selphie's kindly interrogations. 

It was okay, acting as interpreter for Oceanus; Selphie and Xu were easy to get along with, although their tendency to grope each other under the bench and steal furtive kisses behind the computer screen was a little disconcerting. In fact she wondered if their claim that she should take a half hour break to rest her junction was really necessary, or just a ruse so they could get the lab to themselves for a bit of touchy-feely. She wasn't sure Squall would approve, so when she saw him and the others emerge through the turnstile entrance to form a welcoming committee for Galbadia Garden, she shuffled a little further along the wall and chose to watch from a distance rather than make her presence known.

She hadn't seen Galbadian SeeDs for a long time.

Balamb's finest and the President of Esthar gathered on the steps. They stood to attention, and eyed each other warily.

What was _that_ about?

She looked carefully down the line. Closest to her was Zell, who seemed his usual hyperactive self, oblivious to the atmosphere that hung between the others. Next in line was Irvine, looking incredibly hot in his rarely-seen SeeD uniform, hair a gleaming copper tail down his back. He was looking distinctly sheepish, and seemed to be avoiding looking at anyone else. Then came Laguna, who seemed to be having trouble with one leg, and kept trying, and failing to catch Quistis' eye. Squall was looking as professional as ever, except once, when she spotted him looking sidelong at Quistis with a kind of amazed expression on his face. Quistis, narrow-eyed and thin-lipped, looked quite simply furious with everyone else.

Well, life with these guys was never dull.

The senior ranking SeeDs from Galbadia marched to the steps and there was a lot of saluting and hand shaking. One of them had an assistant who first of all winked at Irvine, and then whispered something to Squall which clearly unnerved the Lion of Balamb considerably. He looked at her with startlement all over his face, and swiftly led the delegation inside, followed by Zell and an amused Irvine. Quistis was about to take her place behind them when Laguna reached out and put his hand on her shoulder; she turned angrily, but whatever he said to her obviously grabbed her attention, even if he was talking to her while hopping on one leg in a very undignified fashion. 

They seemed to come to some kind of understanding, before they ran inside to catch up with the others.

Frila jumped down from the wall, brushing brick dust from her backside.

She took a look down the drive before she made her way back to the lab. Galbadia Garden was settled near the forest, rings whirring, lights blazing. 

She sighed deeply, and turned back to Balamb.

* * * * * * *

Squall took a deep breath, and looked Quistis in the eye.

"It wasn't Laguna," he said.

"What?" her eyes went wide.

"Laguna didn't tell me about you and Seifer. All he did was tell me you'd been feeling really down, and that I should take better care of you."

He forced his shoulders to relax a little, like Irvine had told him to. 

"Really?" She looked amazed, and somewhat horrified.

"It was a perfectly natural mistake to make," he added. _What was it Rinoa said I should… oh, yes, that's it. _"We're all under a lot of pressure. I'm sure he'll understand."

She blinked.

"Quistis?" he felt his shoulders creeping back up towards his ears, despite his best efforts.

"I'm sorry, Squall," she whispered. "I've been a complete ass."

"No you haven't." This was unrehearsed territory, but some responses even Squall could manage spontaneously. "Not at all."

"I have. I should have told you before, about Seifer. Especially now he's back."

"It's none of my business."

"You're being very good about this, Squall." 

His shoulders relaxed, for real, this time. 

"You're my friend, Quisty. We've known each other since we were children. I have enormous respect for you, and you taught me damn near everything I know. It's me who should be sorry."

"No, you've…"

"I've been too wrapped up in my own problems to notice my friend was hurting."

There was a pause; they looked into each others' eyes for a moment.

"I understand," said Quistis. "You can't look after everything."

"No," said Squall. "That's why I'm so pleased I've got you."

She smiled, and he smiled back.

"After this is over," he said gently, "let's talk about what you really want to do with the future. If you want to go back to teaching, you know I'd reinstate you in the blink of an eye."

She stared at him, dumbstruck.

"Or whatever you want. The only stipulation is you stay here in Balamb. I need you, Quisty. I'll always need you. We all will."

To his dismay, she had started to cry.

"Quisty, what… oh, Quisty, don't cry, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"It's okay," she brushed the tears away with the back of her hand. "You've no idea how much this means to me. Oh, gods, Squall, thank you."

Suddenly Squall had his arms full of Quistis, and found himself completely speechless again. He settled for patting her somewhat awkwardly on the back, and smiling encouragingly at her when she recovered herself enough to pull away.

"I'd better go and find Laguna," she said. "Before he thinks I've gone completely mad. Thank you, Squall. You've been…"

"Off you go," said Squall. "Briefing in half an hour, don't forget."

Quistis gave him a grateful smile, and fled.

* * * * * * *

"Hey, Hotshot. You made it, then?"

She flopped down on the bench next to Irvine with a yawn. "I needed to get out of there. If I hear the ocean one more time I swear I'll turn into a lump of kelp."

He laughed. "How're they getting on?"

"Slowly. But I think they're getting somewhere. They really need some live Dians to practice on, but I guess that's not so easy to arrange. We don't have much in the way of test subjects."

"Hm. There'll be plenty soon, if Squall's right," said Irvine, looking across the Quad towards the entrance. "It's not long til sundown and.." He broke off suddenly. "Well, look who's here!" he exclaimed.

Frila stopped surreptitiously stroking his thigh with the back of her hand, and followed his gaze to see who he'd spotted.

"Who?" she asked. The only person she could see was the assistant that had so unnerved Squall earlier. A tall, attractive woman with large breasts and long, dark hair.

"Shotgun!" The woman squealed, and launched herself straight towards them. Irvine leapt up and caught her, spinning her round and, if Frila wasn't mistaken, kissing her, albeit briefly, on the lips. 

She fought a wave of jealousy, and lost.

"Oh, Duck, it's good to see you," Irvine grinned. "I thought Squall was going to plain pass out after what you said to him! Is Zef…"

"Yeah, he's supposed to be meeting me here. We thought we'd find you mooching about somewhere." She stepped back to look at Irvine, still holding both his hands, and spotted Frila standing just behind him. "Hello, sweetie, what's your name?"

"Um, Frila," Frila blinked. "I'm just an… um.. cadet."

Duck looked from Frila to Irvine, and laughed. "You randy sonofabitch, Shotgun! You don't change a bit, you know that?"

__

Shotgun?

Irvine was hushing her urgently. "Easy, Duck. You know cadets are… young." He waggled his eyebrows meaningfully at her.

Frila scowled.

"Deliciously," said Duck, winking. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me." She looked Frila up and down. "Especially if you'll share. The leather thing really works for you, sweetie."

"I'm a gunblader," said Frila, her eyes narrow. She wasn't sure whether she meant that as a warning or an explanation, but Duck didn't seem bothered either way. She just laughed again, tossing her chestnut mane, and hooked her arm through Irvine's. 

"You ran out on us back in Balamb Hotel, Shotgun," she said. "I had to finish the ice cream all by myself."

Frila realised she was blushing. Not for the first time she cursed her colouring, and the way it made her look like an enraged strawberry when she was embarrassed or mad. At the moment she was both. She wished her hair was loose to hide behind, and settled for staring at the ground.

"Do you like ice cream, Frila?"

"Not particularly," she lied. "I prefer hot things." _What? Why on earth did I say that? _

Duck made a purring noise in the back of her throat. "Well, that explains what you see in the sniper slut of Galbadia, then."

Irvine shot her a hurt look.

"Captain Kinneas is just a good friend," said Frila, stiffly.

"It's okay, Hotshot," said Irvine. "Duck's cool. We can trust her."

Frila glared at Duck, and hissed, "can we _really_?"

"Oooh," Duck teased. "Quite the little firebrand."

Just as Frila was contemplating launching herself at Duck and strangling her with her bare hands, they were joined by another new arrival. Again, Irvine was hugged, although this time in a more manly fashion. 

"Hey, Zef," Duck said, "look what Shotgun's found himself."

Frila stuck out her hand, determined to retain some dignity. "Frila Alfyrd," she said, "pleased to meet you."

Zephyr emerged from Irvine's embrace and clasped her hand with a friendly smile. "Zef," he said, and then a frown creased his brow under his blonde bangs. "Alfyrd? That rings a bell… oh, hey, are you Sen's little sister?"

"Zephyr," she whispered.

"Well, you've certainly grown since I last saw you," he said. "You came to visit, what, three summers ago, remember? You drove us nuts, always dragging us down to the beach to play volleyball. Heh. And now look at you, all grown up."

She couldn't say anything; it took all she had to fight back the tears.

Zef caught her gaze, his eyes soft and blue. "I'm sorry, about Sen," he said. "You must miss him dreadfully."

Irvine frowned. "Sen? Do I know…"

"I played guitar in his band for a while," said Zef, "can't remember what it was called. You came to some of our gigs, we had great groupies. He was the singer."

Irvine wracked his brains, finally producing the dim recollection of a serious, dark-haired young man, thin and intense, singing some song about betrayal. "Your brother?" he asked Frila. He realised as soon as he looked at her that something was wrong. "What happened?"

"He… died," she said brokenly. _There. You said it. Two years and you finally said it._

She couldn't look Irvine in the eyes; she knew she was going to cry and she desperately wanted to do it somewhere else.

"Oh, Hotshot, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"It was the Battle of the Gardens," said Zephyr softly, "he was trying to protect some juniors and got himself shot."

"Oh gods," whispered Irvine. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

Frila took a deep breath that turned into a sob. "I don't like to talk about it," she said. 

"Yeah, hard luck, Hotshot," said Duck. "He was cute, too, as I remember."

Frila glared at her, a hundred insults choking in her throat. "He was gay," she finally managed to say. "And even if he wasn't he'd never have gone with a whore like you! And don't call me fucking Hotshot!"

She burst into tears, and turned to run. 

Somehow, she found herself in Irvine's arms.

"Leave me alone," she wailed, holding him tight. "Someone'll see, I want to be alone, go away…"

"Shh, Hotshot. It's okay. There's no-one looking. And I don't care, anyhow. So long as we keep our clothes on, I think we'll be safe, don't you?"

She sobbed a chuckle against his chest, and just let the tears come.

* * * * * * *

Quistis took a deep breath, and pressed the button to open the door to the meeting room.

Laguna was there, sitting on the big, polished table, swinging his legs. His hair fell over his eyes, and for a moment he reminded her startlingly of Squall. Then he turned to smile at her, despite the wariness in his eyes, and that smile was entirely Laguna Loire. Warm, dependable and friendly.

"Laguna, I owe you a huge apology."

The relief was plain on his face. "I don't care about that," he said. "So long as you know it wasn't me."

She crossed to him, and took both his hands in hers. "I jumped to all sorts of stupid conclusions," she said. "And you've been so good to me."

"You can always trust me," he said, squeezing her fingers gently. "I may be an idiot, but I'm a trustworthy idiot. Ask Kiros."

She grinned at him. "You're not an idiot. You dealt with Martine all on your own, after all. And he seems awfully happy, too."

Laguna shrugged. "He was having some woman trouble," he said. "I'm a good listener."

Quistis stared at him. "Are you saying all that stroppy behaviour has been because he's got personal problems?!"

"Mostly, I think. He's a complicated man, Quisty. With guilt the size of a continent on his shoulders."

"Yeah. Well, yeah."

"Thanks for coming to talk to me," he said. 

"No problem. What're you doing in here, anyway? It's nearly time for Squall's briefing, we should get going."

"Yeah." He slid off the table. "It's quiet in here. I had some thinking to do, and all."

"Of course. Oh, Laguna, I can't say how sorry I am, I…"

"Shh." He put one finger to her lips. "It's past. Gone. Don't worry about it."

"You've done so much for me," she beamed at him. "Thank you." She slid her arms easily around his waist, and hugged him.

She heard him hitch his breath in suddenly, before his arms settled around her to return the hug.

"You deserve to be happy," he whispered.

She raised her head to look into his eyes, her heart suddenly racing for no reason; his eyes still locked on hers, he brushed her lips with his, softly, once. Just once. 

She gasped, her eyes wide with sudden realisation.

She tangled her fingers in his hair, and kissed him back.

* * * * * * * 

"How you doing, Hotshot?"

"Better," she mumbled. "Thanks."

They lay on Irvine's bed, Frila curled at his side, seeming unusually small and vulnerable. He brushed back stray curls from around her face, stroked her damp cheeks with gentle fingertips.

"I'm sorry about Duck. She's a bit… direct, sometimes. She likes you."

"Well, I don't like her," Frila grumbled. "But I like Zef. Always have."

"Yeah," said Irvine. "Me too. He's been very good to me, over the years."

"I haven't seen him, since…"

"Oh. Listen, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. But if you do, I'm always here for you, Hotshot. Always."

She closed her eyes; it was too raw, all of it. She'd shut this pain away for so long, and somehow Irvine's kindness just made it more acute somehow. She loved him hopelessly at that moment, and that made her feel more vulnerable than ever. She burrowed her nose into his soft shirt, and breathed deeply, drowning in the scent of him; warm and male and comforting.

Irvine kissed the top of her head, cuddling her close to him but not saying anything else, letting her take what she needed from him.

He gazed out of his window and watched the sun sinking steadily in the sky, painting it vivid orange-pink and cream. It wouldn't be long now. He just hoped that Xu and Selphie could come up with something, before they faced another onslaught. 

"How was your day?" she asked.

"Sorry?"

"Your day. How was it?"

He smiled. "It's a long time since anyone asked me that."

She frowned at him. "Why? It's a normal enough thing to ask."

"Exactly." He gently pulled the band off the end of her braid and started to work it loose. "It's nice. We don't get to do normal very often round here."

"I suppose not. So, how was it?" 

"It's been a bit… chaotic, to tell the truth."

"Oh?"

"Well, there was this whole thing with Quistis." It briefly crossed his mind that perhaps he shouldn't tell her, but he dismissed the thought quickly. If she was fighting alongside them, and sharing his bed, and most of all, if he were to take her mind off things, then it was only fair he should share. "This is in absolute confidence, right?"

"Of course." She looked at him curiously. This sounded distinctly like it was going to be gossip, and she _loved_ gossip.

"It turns out she had an affair with Seifer, back before he went evil and became Ultimecia's bitch."

"No! You're kidding!"

"It's true."

"And she told you?"

"Well, not exactly. I kind of guessed, from something Seifer said, only I thought it was Squall at first, and then there was this whole confusion thing… only now it's all sorted out and last I saw her she actually looked happy."

"Wow. Well. Fuck me."

He grinned. "Is that an offer?"

She slapped him playfully on the arm. "Tentacles, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I guess we don't have time, huh? Later?"

She smiled, just a bit. "You bet."

He gave her a little hug.

"What about Risha?" she said.

"Oh, yeah, I saw… well, she's not going by the name Risha anymore. She seems to be developing a new personality."

"Really? Is that like, because she lost her memory?"

"I don't think anyone really knows. She doesn't seem like the same person, to be honest. And she calls herself Sanke."

"Woah!" She sat up suddenly, her fingers at her temples.

"You alright?" 

"Yeah, fine, it's just Oceanus… big noise in here. What did you say her new name was?"

"Sanke."

Frila jumped. "Yep, that would be it." There was a pause as she communicated with her suddenly excited Guardian. "I can't make much sense of it, but it seems like it knows her, or something."

"What? It's not getting confused with Risha, is it?" 

"I dunno, it's… very happy. Not making sense, really, just… rejoicing."

"Rejoicing?"

"That's the only word that fits. It's kind of… euphoric."

"Well, I guess it thought Risha was gone, and even if she has a new name…"

"Yeah. That must be it. Think I'll just drop the junction for a minute, it's too noisy just now… there. That's better." She lay back down, snuggling into Irvine's shoulder.

"That's kind of nice, that it's so pleased."

"Yeah." She smiled again, a bit more strongly now. "It is. Oceanus is quite a sensitive thing, y'know? I like that they have their own personalities. Shiva's all like 'gods, he's making such a fuss, what's _that_ about. I really like having it around, you know? Like having a friend all the time…"

"You should be careful. I might get jealous," he teased, stroking her hair out over the pillow.

"Well, there's some things it can't do that you're rather good at," she said.

"I'm glad to hear it." 

She grinned at him, looking much more like her usual self.

"Like shooting." She kissed his neck, taking the trouble to make sure he could feel the tip of her tongue against his skin.

"Oh. Yeah, I guess. Anything else?" His eyes slid shut as she ran her tongue up to his ear.

"It doesn't play cards."

"Right."

She tugged gently on his earring.

"Can't think of anything else, off hand."

He squeaked outrage.

"Unless there's something you could do to remind me." She sucked his earlobe between her soft lips. 

"Oh gods, Hotshot…"

"Yeah?"

"If we're late and miss the briefing and forget to save the world and get thrown out of Garden…"

"We've got half an hour."

"Well, in that case…" Irvine swiftly rolled over, pinning her on the bed and smoothly straddling her thighs. "I promise you that in half an hour you will be perfectly clear about what Irvine Kinneas has that no Guardian on earth does. Not even," he brushed the tip of her nose with his, "Ether."

"Oh, promises promises," she giggled.

He silenced her with a kiss.


	35. Shield

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This version has been censored to R-rating in line with ffnet policy; the full version is at my website, http:www.scribblemoose.co.uk 

Feedback very welcome, here or by e-mail (_fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk__)_

************************************************************

****

Memories 35 - Shield

Irvine felt Frila's mouth warm and willing under his, and it felt damn good. 

He felt her naked body against his, and it felt damn good.

He felt her breast, naked and firm and filling his hand, and it felt damn good.

At last he'd stopped caring how old she was, how illegal she was, or how not-Selphie she was. She was hot, and here, and she was nice to him. He liked it when she laughed, he hated to see her cry, he wanted to take her away somewhere there wasn't a war and tentacles and make love to her all day.

He could imagine falling in love with her.

"Junction," she whispered. "Let him feed. He'll need it."

He didn't want to. He wanted this for himself, just for him, and her. But he knew she was right. And in some strange way, fair. If it hadn't been for Ether he wouldn't have found this, he wouldn't have ever…

__

~Ether.~

~Sniper. You called me.~

~Join us, Ether.~

Ether's song roared in his mind, and any thought that he might not have wanted this swiftly vanished. On an impulse, he touched Frila's mind with his own, opening the gateway for Ether to flow between them, sharing its power and its need. She gasped, and looked at him with wide eyes; he could see the lust building in her, and then, all at once, he felt it. He felt her pleasure as if it were his own, he felt her need, her desire, her love, oh, gods, her _love_…

"Irvine, what… oh, Irvine…"

He held her close, kissing her neck, her hair, stroking her back with tender fingers, Ether stronger and stronger in his mind, in hers, between them, around them.

"Irvy… oh gods, Iry you're so… I'm… you're… oh _fuck_ it's so good…"

"You ready, Hotshot?"

She nodded, although she didn't have to: he already knew. He felt it in the very core of her, the pleasure coiling in her belly, anxious for release. He shifted the angle of his hips so she could rub against him, and supported the small of her back as she arched, ran his other hand down her breastbone. They came together, Irvine emptying himself into her clenching body, their minds woven together by Ether's energy, lust and pleasure magnified a thousand times over.

He closed the mind link carefully as he returned to his senses. Ether thanked him and retreated once more to the quiet corner of his mind where it lived, buzzing and grateful.

She was trembling; he caught her up in his strong arms and held her close. 

"Irvy… I…"

"Shh… I know."

"We have to…"

"In a minute, Hotshot. In a minute. Just… take a minute, okay?"

He stroked her soft red hair, and rocked her slowly back and forth, listening to her breath.

* * * * * * *

Squall looked up and noticed Irvine and Frila sneaking conspicuously into the back of the room, looking distinctly rumpled and giggly. He frowned, but caught the smirk on Rinoa's face, and figured hers was probably the better response. They weren't technically late, after all, and his and Rin's trip back from the forest hadn't been without… incident. He found himself smiling rather foolishly, and had to force himself to put his commander face back on.

When this was all over, he was going to spend more time in that forest with Rin, he decided. Whether it was the magical properties the trees were reputed to hold, or the thrill of being outdoors with the smell of wood and growing things, he wasn't sure, but it had been very… inspiring.

He coughed, shifting in his seat, and carefully avoided the amused look Rinoa was giving him. 

"Ready?" asked Quistis, a twinkle in her eye that he hadn't seen for… well, ever, actually. She looked startlingly happy.

He allowed himself a moment of smugness at that. His people skills must be getting better, after all. He nodded, and slowly got to his feet to address the packed room.

Selphie had once asked him how he managed to talk so easily to a large audience when he found it so hard to talk to people one at a time. He wasn't sure, really. It was like the moment when he summoned a Guardian: he faded to the background and this other being took over, stronger, more confident and better suited to the purpose than Squall Leonhart. A being that could make difficult decisions and tell people to go fight for him with such conviction that they never questioned what he was asking of them.

The faces of the top ranking SeeDs he was addressing were, on the whole, calm, dispassionate, professional. Many of them had been SeeDs for far longer than Squall himself, but still, somehow, they followed his leadership without argument. As far as he could tell, anyway.

He explained to his faithful audience that they were working on a weapon that would defeat the Dia. He went over the characteristics of their enemy again, outlined the tactics for the battle that they all expected to start that night. Explained that each Garden would be responsible for one of the possible routes the Dians would follow. Trabia would take the caves in the mountain range to the north. Galbadia would take the eastern end of Balamb beach where the tunnel had been sealed the previous night, and Balamb would take the west, near to the cave where they'd looked for Oceanus. 

He didn't tell them, but Squall was sure they'd come from the west.

He told them that this was more than just another mission. That the Dians were literally spoiling for a fight; their objective simply to provoke violence and hatred, and that the Gardens were all that stood in the way of invasion. If SeeD didn't stop them, the armies of the world would be committed to a war that the enemy didn't want to win, but to perpetuate. Forever.

He didn't give the figures for last night's casualties.

He sent the leaders of the squads from all three Gardens to do battle with clear orders and inspiration that came from somewhere inside himself he didn't recognise. 

He sent them to war knowing it was terrible and inevitable, and that some of them would die.

When he'd finished they applauded him, and went to do his bidding without question.

* * * * * * *

It was dark, the beach illuminated in strange blues and purples from the lights of Garden. It was the first time Garden had moved since Ultimecia, except for drills, but it was capable of pumping out sound at an incredible volume, it gave them light to fight by and somewhere to run to if…

That wasn't going to happen, Squall reminded himself. It couldn't happen. Whatever it took, he wasn't going to let Bane win. 

He left Garden ahead of most of the SeeDs, Quistis, Rinoa, Irvine, Frila and Zell by his side. Selphie ran to catch up with them, breathing hard and swinging a shiny purple and yellow nunchaka around her head. 

"New?" inquired Rinoa casually, as if she was referring to a pair of earrings or a sweater. 

"Yeah, cool, huh?" Selphie beamed at Frila. "Your Dad certainly knows his weapons."

Frila grinned back. "He has a way with them," she admitted, a hint of pride in her voice. 

"It's good to have you back, Selph," said Squall.

"Good to be back, Commander," she said cheekily. "Now, are we going to kick Dian butt, or what?"

"I hope so," said Squall. "You all know what to do? All the fire magic you can manage while we have Guardians. If we lose the Guardians, try and keep it together, hack and slash, and hope that Xu manages to find something that knocks them out. If you hear music, try and block it out. Listen to the ocean, sing in your head, anything. Just don't listen to it, and try and persuade your Guardians likewise. Alright?"

They nodded and murmured agreement. 

"This is where we split up," Squall continued. "Quistis, I'm relying on you to direct all Balamb Squads. If we start to get into trouble you must order retreat. Zell, you're in charge of the cadets. Keep them as safe as you can. The rest of you, you're with me. Our job is to find Bane and Chet, if we can, and eliminate Bane. Failing that, we just take out as many Dians as we can. Especially Frila. Oceanus could be the only Guardian we have."

Frila nodded, wishing he would stop talking so they could get on with it. Her mind was still humming from the link with Ether and Irvine earlier, her body was charged with adrenaline and she had a feeling it would be a bad thing to think too hard about what might happen.

"Good luck," said Quistis, squeezing Squall's shoulder with a steady hand. "Come home safe, okay?"

"You can count on us," said Zell, with a half-salute. "You know that."

"Yes," said Squall. "I do."

They looked at each other for a moment, history and friendship hanging heavy between them, and Frila half expected a group hug. But it didn't happen. Quistis nodded at Squall and strode back to Garden, Zell went to join the ranks of cadets. The rest of them followed Squall's gaze to the ocean.

"We can't fail," Squall said. 

None of them thought for a minute that they would.

* * * * * * *

The tide was receding, leaving swathes of slimy seaweed that crunched and oozed underfoot. The inky ocean merged with the clear night sky, the odd flash of surf way out to sea echoed in the stars above. 

The SeeDs of Balamb waited. Squall kept himself and the others close to the cave, the rest of the squads distributed down the beach, waiting.

There was no sign of life from the cave entrance.

Squall frowned, suddenly uncertain. _He'd been sure…_

"Squall," said Irvine, nodding towards the ocean. "Look."

Squall squinted and tried to follow Irvine's finger, but he couldn't see anything. Damn, but Irvine's eyes were sharp.

"Pink," said Irvine, and then Squall saw it. A subtle pink glow in the sea about a hundred yards from the shore, getting brighter and brighter as he watched.

"Fuck," he said. "They're coming out of the sea."

"Must be another tunnel," said Rinoa. Frila could feel the charge in the air as she gathered her magic. "Whatever. We're ready."

Squall sent an order down the line, and in a wave the other squads turned and moved towards the rapidly growing patch of pink light in the ocean. Squall's eyes flickered back to the cave, and he frowned with uncharacteristic uncertainty.

"What's wrong, Squall? Are we going?" asked Selphie, hopping excitedly from one foot to the other.

Squall shook his head. "I could have sworn…"

"They need me," said Rinoa, gently. "And Hotshot."

The pet name slipped out of Rinoa's lips completely by accident, she didn't even seem to realise it herself. Frila smiled, surprised at how good it felt to hear Rinoa use it.

"Of course," said Squall, still frowning. "You go. Irvine, you're with me. I want to check the cave."

"Are you sure?" asked Irvine. "Last time we were in there…"

"No, I'm not sure," snapped Squall, irritably. "But there's _something_ in there, I can feel it. I can't risk a nasty surprise coming up behind us."

"Okay," said Irvine, placidly. "You're the boss."

Irvine squeezed Frila's hand, trailing his touch down her palm and fingers as they parted. She ran after Rinoa and Selphie, towards the rapidly growing pink blur.

Irvine followed Squall into the cave.

* * * * * * *

Xu watched the swathe of vivid pink emerge from the ocean, and prayed to gods she'd long since stopped believing in.

This had to work. It was all her fault. Selphie was down there. It _had _to work.

She pressed the button with trembling fingers and watched the quivering sine waves on the monitor in front of her as the odd composition of sound pumped out into the night. She waited.

Nothing happened. 

"Quistis?" she said, without turning from her screen.

"Sorry, Xu, nothing," said Quistis, squinting at the cameras ranged in front of her. "No response."

Xu swallowed hard, and clicked swiftly to another tune.

"Anything?"

"Nope."

There were a hundred and fifty seven different compositions on Xu's computer. 

One of them _had_ to work.

* * * * * * *

Irvine and Squall made their way to the light in the corner of the cave, boots crunching on something they fervently hoped was seashells and gravel.

"This feels familiar," said Irvine. 

"Not surprising," Squall murmured, concentrating fiercely on the opening ahead. "We've been here before, remember?"

"Yeah, but… oh, my, that's pretty."

"It's pink," said Squall. "I swear I'll never find anything pink pretty ever again."

The thought that Squall had _ever_ found anything pink attractive was a new notion to Irvine's mind, and one that distracted him for a moment from his deja-vu.

The cave was beautiful. Crystals glinted from the walls, their dim light reflected in a pool in one corner. 

Squall listened carefully. "Music," he said. "Coming from the pool…very, very faint."

"The crystals," said Irvine. "Liquid form, remember? Don't listen."

Squall's eyes widened. "Yes," he said. "I _do_ remember. Something came out of that pool, once, when we were here before… I thought it was Oceanus but…"

"Dian?" Irvine pulled him back towards the doorway.

"Must've been. Maybe that's where they… merge."

"There's nothing here now," said Irvine. "You okay? Eden? Doomtrain?"

"Yeah. Fine. Do you hear it? The music?"

"Yeah, a little bit. It's very faint, though, just background. Not like before. I guess they're not… breeding right now."

"No." Squall looked faintly distracted.

"Enough to bring the memories back, though," said Irvine with a smirk. "Last time we were here, you kissed me, remember? You old dog!" He dug Squall suggestively in the ribs with his elbow.

"Shush," mumbled Squall, his eyes searching the cavern, looking for something, anything to explain his uneasiness. "I was so sure…"

"Not surprising you got vibes," said Irvine. "If this is some kind of Dian maternity unit…"

"It's more than that," said Squall. "It's… there's…"

Irvine suddenly grabbed his arm, so hard it hurt. He was staring intently into the corner of the cave just beyond the pool, all trace of his usual teasing good humour gone. Squall felt his heart thudding in his chest, adrenaline surging in his body as he caught Irvine's sudden wave of anger.

"Wha.."

Irvine's eyes were dark indigo with rage, narrowing in concentration.

"Bane," he hissed.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa took out the first swathe of Dians in one blast, with little effort. They hadn't been crystal-bearing, so it wasn't strictly necessary, but Frila could sense the elation her demonstration of power had roused in the SeeDs around them, and understood why she'd done it. Squall's army pressed forward, but to her surprise Frila felt Selphie's hand on her arm, holding her back.

"Selph, what…" Rinoa protested, similarly restrained.

"I'm in charge," said Selphie, a tone of authority to her voice that Frila hadn't heard before. "Now Squall's gone I'm top ranking SeeD here, and I say we wait for the crystals to turn up. The others can cope with this. I don't want to risk either of you getting hurt before you're really needed."

Rinoa relaxed a little. "Of course. Sorry Selph. Wasn't thinking."

Xu's music floated down from Garden, a clash of hiss and hum.

"That sounds awful," said Frila.

"Yeah," said Rin, with a grin, waving an arm towards the fresh mass of pink emerging from the sea. "Let's hope they think so, too."

If they did, they weren't showing it.

* * * * * * *

Chet emerged from the shadows behind the pool, his katana glinting vaguely pink in the reflected light.

"Nice of you to come," he smirked.

Lionheart sprang to life in Squall's hand; Irvine braced himself, strengthening Ether's mind block as he felt the black tendrils of Bane's consciousness reaching out towards them.

"What, no witch?" Chet was gloating. "That's a shame. She was such fun last time."

"She kicked your sorry butt," hissed Squall, the slight shift of his stance warning Irvine he was about to attack. 

Squall never was one for bantering with the bad guys.

Irvine threw a protect spell at him as he charged, all out of time to extend the mind block. 

Chet was as quick as ever; his sword blocked Lionheart in a flash, and Bane lashed out to crack across Squall's unprotected mind in an instant, just enough to distract him while Chet got another blow in.

Squall fell to one knee, face screwed tight in pain, waiting for the rush that came with near-death, the sudden burst of power that would give him…

__

~Curaga~

Irvine couldn't let him risk it. Not like this, with just the two of them.

He didn't see the flash of rage on Squall's face at what he'd done, and wouldn't have cared if he had. His eyes were closed, as he reached out with his mind towards the beach. It seemed almost effortless, though he knew it would cost Ether dear, and to his surprise he suddenly found not just Rinoa's mind but Hotshot's, just at the edge of Ether's power, an echo.

__

~Rin! The cave, now. It's Chet. We need Gemini.~

He pulled Ether back as quickly as he could, and got ready to cure Squall again as he charged once more.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa didn't wait to explain. She turned and ran for the cave as fast as she could, faintly surprised to realise Frila was at her shoulder. Selphie followed, demanding to know what the fuck they were doing.

"Bane, Chet, cave," Frila managed by way of explanation. 

"Selphie, you don't have to come," Rinoa panted. "They need Gemini, no-one expects you to…"

"I know," said Selphie, with no sign of turning back.

"And you, Frila…"

"Oceanus," gasped Frila as they approached the cave, their sprint slowing a little. "Important, apparently." _~I can't leave Irvine in there. He sounded desperate, and Ether… I can't leave him.~_

They ran through the first chamber to the lit entrance in the corner without breaking their stride.

Frila took the scene in all at once: Squall was slicing at Chet in a series of moves so fast he was a blur. Irvine stood behind him, casting spell after spell, the magic flowing from his fingers in blue streaks. He was pale and concentrating hard; his auburn ponytail streamed out behind him, fizzing with the energy of Ether's magic. Stronger than last time, she realised. Ether had changed, over the past few days; it had a whole new level of power, and so far Bane hadn't touched it. But it had touched Squall. Chet was putting all his power into his katana, it fizzed with Bane's black energy and brought Squall to his knees with every other stroke. He seemed to have little by way of defence, and wasn't summoning. He must have lost his Guardians already, either knocked out by Bane or just plain defeated. 

At the thought of Bane something tickled her mind; Oceanus filled her head with it's protective, soothing song. 

~_Don't listen. Be still. I will protect.~_

Rinoa ran past her and launched herself into the battle with a harsh cry. She was at Squall's side in an instant, calling Gemini's name. Chet rounded on her with a curse, and raised his black blade.

Squall had dropped to one knee, breathing hard, eyes blinking shut against the sweat dripping into them, watching in horror as Chet swung his sword in a frenzied arc, hitting Rinoa on the side of her head with the flat of his blade. 

She crumpled to the ground.

Chet laughed, and turned towards Irvine.

Frila recognised the tactic with a shock; eliminate support. Stop your enemy healing themselves and then you can pick them off… Thoughts strobed through Frila's head like the flash of Irvine's pulse ammo.

Squall couldn't heal fast enough.

Chet had taken Rinoa down with one stroke.

He was going to kill Irvine.

He wasn't even using Bane, as far as she could tell. Except to give himself power, like you used any Guardian, making him quicker, stronger, smarter. But no mind tricks. Why?

Maybe Chet realised how strong Ether had become. 

He was about to lunge at Irvine and pierce his heart.

Selphie was gathering her power, ready to take over curing Squall. The logical thing to do. If Irvine was going down, someone else would have to take his place.

She couldn't let Irvine go down.

Oceanus' voice was loud in her head.

__

~Child. No. Stay. Protect.~

~Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.~

She gripped her gunblade in both hands, and charged.

In that moment, she felt she'd touched the perfection in gunblade technique that was Squall Leonhart's charge. All speed and focus, no distraction, no thought, just the pounding of her feet on the ground and the clarity of her target. She painted a mental line across Chet's body and threw herself at it, leaping in the air at the end of her charge to drag her blade down, cutting his fragile skin like tearing silk, squeezed her finger on the trigger for the shot in perfect time, to blast magic-bourne lead through his black heart.

She heard her name being screamed from Irvine's lungs, and knew she'd saved him.

She felt a pain like fire rip through her body, forcing the air from her, the soft caress of Chet's katana sliding from her flesh as she fell off it. She took a rasping breath, and it hurt worse than the fire.

She sensed the faint touch of Ether's gentle power in her mind, and its overwhelming sadness.

She cried out as the ground struck her back, jolting the blade from her already limp hands, and heard Shiva's keening, Oceanus' wail of despair.

She forced her eyes to stay open, wanting one last glimpse of copper hair and violet eyes, but it didn't come.

She coughed, and tasted blood, and knew.

* * * * * * *

"Hotshot! Frila, no!" 

Rinoa was pulling herself to her feet, and Irvine saw the multicoloured flicker of Gemini from the corner of his eye, as he surged one full-life spell after another into Frila's unmoving body, forced the electric blue of a pheonix down potion between her lips. Nothing worked. He felt frantically in his pocket for another potion, elixir, megalixir, anything…

__

~Sniper.~

Ether sounded sad and desperate, even though Irvine knew it had no emotions. Emotions to Ether were just food, or poison…

__

~Sniper, she is gone.~

Irvine slumped over her still form, and wept.

"Irvine!" Squall's voice, strong and dispassionate. "Irvine, there's no time! I need you! Now!"

__

~Sniper.~

"Irvine, please! Now! He's going to use…"

Irvine only had time to look up before he felt the blast of Bane's power against the mind shield. The others staggered briefly, except for Selphie. She must be used to it, thought Irvine, with a shudder.

He let Frila's limp body slide lifeless from his arms and returned to Squall's side. 

Chet was worried, he could tell. Not so much by the dripping wound that Frila had added to the fretwork of Squall's gunblade slashes, but by the sight of Rinoa and Gemini advancing on him, glowing vividly with multicoloured light.

"This time," hissed Rinoa, "you don't get to run away."

Irvine stood his ground as he cured Squall yet again, and strengthened the mind block, fully expecting Bane to attack again. 

He spotted movement out of the corner of his eye; Selphie was slowly backing away.

"Selph?"

He reached back with his hand, but she dodged it. Of course. Ether. It was a testament to her bravery that she'd managed to come so close, when Ether was so strong…

Except that Ether wasn't so strong, anymore, he realised. He was fading, fast. The link to Rinoa, the constant stream of magic, the mind block, and Frila… Irvine's heart surged grief and Ether cringed in his mind.

He felt stunned. He ought to let Squall know, to tell him they couldn't rely on Ether, that he was weak…

Gemini's blades were whirling, it was only a matter of time. Bane was all Chet would have and…

He braced himself, trying hard not to look at the pool of blood where Frila lay, not to think of how she'd sacrificed herself for him, trying not to remember the feeling of her warm body shivering delight in his arms that afternoon, trying not to cry, not to remember, not to think, not to…

Ether whimpered; the mind block fell away.

* * * * * * *

"Where _are _they?" hissed Quistis. 

"They must be there somewhere," said Laguna. "They must be. Squall wouldn't…"

"No, but… damnit, Xu, are you getting any closer at all?"

Xu shook her head, her whole body tense as she punched new calculations into the computer. "Not a thing. I've tried all of them, and none of them work. I can't understand why, one of them should… shit, Quistis, I'm running out of options here!"

"You're not the only one," said Quistis. "It's chaos out there. Laguna, we're going to have to get the other two Gardens down here. Galbadia, at least."

Laguna nodded. "I'll get on it," he said. 

Quistis peered frantically at the monitor in front of her. 

"Where the _fuck_ are they?"

* * * * * * *

Chet was forced to the back of the cave, and Rinoa felled him with a kick to the chest that seemed more for show than anything else. She hurled her magic at him as Gemini cut him to ribbons, reducing him to a mess of blood and gaping flesh. 

Irvine waited for Bane to attack, but nothing happened. 

Squall recovered from the last onslaught enough to pull himself to standing, and cured himself. Irvine didn't dare pull power from Ether to do it for him, it had so little left.

There was a sudden shimmer of icy blue from Frila's body; Irvine's heart surged with hope for a moment, only to sink again as he realised it was Shiva, released from junction, unsummoned. Loyal as ever, she flickered through the air to settle at Squall's side. A willing slave. 

Squall welcomed her, his summoning the merest whisper of her name, a token.

Still no Bane. 

Rinoa howled as the final blast of her magic took Chet's life, a scream of triumph and vengeance and power.

Irvine gathered what was left of Ether's energy, and waited.

Nothing. Was Bane avoiding this confrontation? Perhaps it couldn't sense how weak Ether had become. 

Rinoa stepped back, breathing hard, still surveying the pulp that Chet had become with satisfaction. Squall was looking around cautiously, waiting, proud and sad and angry; Irvine followed his gaze as it settled with dawning horror on something just behind him. 

Selphie.

She was on all fours by the time he'd turned, looking up at him with eyes full of pain and fear. She reached out to him, once, and her mouth formed words he couldn't hear, but understood all the same.

As Bane took over Selphie's mind completely, she reached out to Irvine in silence with one, simple request. Her eyes faded from vivid green to grey, her spark of life was gone, and all that was left were the silent words that ripped into Irvine's hopeless heart. 

As Selphie fell to Bane's power, she begged for death.

It didn't come.

__

* * * * * * *


	36. Bound

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

Feedback very welcome, here or by e-mail (_fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk__)_

************************************************************

****

Memories 36 - Bound

Squall stood panting, Lionhart clutched tightly in one hand, still glowing faintly from the last healing spell.

Bane shone from Selphie's eyes, and mocked him. 

Squall's eyes darted to Frila's body, taking in the reality of her loss for the first time. She lay lifeless on the floor of the cave, her skin glowing an eerie pink from the crystal-light, blood still draining from the neat wound Chet's sword had cut through her body. 

"Oh, no," whispered Rinoa. "Is she…"

Squall nodded. "Irvine," he whispered, urgently. 

Irvine didn't answer. He'd collapsed to his knees, and was staring at Selphie in horror.

Bane was settling into junction, its power crackling in the air around her.

"Irvine! Kinneas! Ether, now! We need Ether!"

Irvine looked up at him, shaking his head slowly. "Too weak," he said. "No power."

"Then give him some!" yelled Squall, rummaging in his pockets and producing a potion. "Drink! Now! Quick, while Bane's regaining it's strength!"

Irvine took the vial, as if moving in a dream, and unscrewed the top. He knocked back the bitter liquid with a grimace, and concentrated for a moment. "No good," he said. "Too weak. Too sad. Too weak."

"Rope," murmured Squall. "Rin, rope?"

"What for? To tie Selphie up? I don't think it'll…"

"The three of us," said Squall, more patiently than he felt. "This is what Ether expected. We need to join our minds with Irvine's, so it can use our strength. Irvine, can you do that?"

Irvine just looked at him blankly. "Rope?" he said, vaguely.

"He's in shock," said Rinoa. "Come on. Hold hands. I remember what it felt like. I think I can get us started."

"You? How…"

"Don't argue!" she grabbed Irvine's hand in one of hers, Squall's in the other. "Just do it! I've been linked with Irvine before, I know how it works."

Squall gazed at her in amazement, but obediently took hers and Irvine's hands in his.

Rinoa closed her rainbow-coloured eyes, and forced herself to relax as she pushed gently inside Irvine's mind.

* * * * * * *

"Oh yeah! Die! Die, you pink blubbery bastard!"

Duck whooped as she flung her wire around another tentacle, holding the beast still so Zephyr could get a clean shot.

"Next!" she yelled as the creature fell. "This is more like it, eh, Zef? Nice of Balamb to share at last."

Another Dian was netted in her garrotte, and proved easy pickings for the second-best Sniper to come out of Galbadia. "Where's Shotgun? I bet I could do two at once!"

Zef grinned at her innuendo, although on the whole he was taking the battle a good deal more seriously than she was. As usual. She always got off on a good fight, though, and he had to admit she was a joy to watch. She'd managed to lose a fair amount of her clothing somewhere along the line, and her strong body glistened in tight pants and a white vest that had somehow become fetchingly ripped to expose her cleavage whenever she moved.

"Who needs Guardians anyway?" she yelled cheerfully. "We're doing just great here!"

Zef's eyes flickered involuntarily to the ranks ahead of them. He could see SeeDs frozen in front of him, bemused, just staring into the distance as tentacles curled around their fragile necks and strangled them. 

He and Duck were catching up fast.

"Come on, Zef, haven't got all fucking day!"

He brought his mind back to the shot.

"At least that fucking awful racket's stopped," yelled Duck, throwing out her wire again. "I wonder what they're playing at?"

Zef fired again, dodging the stream of goo that spurted from the creature's eye.

She was right, it was quiet. Maybe they'd run out of ideas after all. Maybe Balamb weren't as infallible as everyone thought.

Another step closer to the crystal monsters.

Noisy or otherwise, he fervently hoped that they still had something up their sleeve.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa was overwhelmed at first by the sheer intensity of Irvine's grief. She sensed Ether, power ebbing from him by the second, and she could have sworn it was grieving too. 

__

~Irvine?~

~Rin?~

~Irvine, we're here. Me and Squall.~

~Squall?~

~I'm here.~

~He killed her. Right in front of me, he killed her. And Selphie…~

~I know, baby, I know. But you have to be strong. Just a little bit longer. If you can be strong, and we can heal Ether, we can get Selphie back.~

~She's right, Irvine. Please. I need you. Selphie needs you. We have to hurry. Bane will be attacking just as soon as it's properly junctioned. That could be any second now.~

~We need Ether to bind us together. Then we can help you, Irvine. You don't have to be alone. Let us help.~

Rinoa felt a surge, like her own magical power, fainter, much fainter, but somehow warmer and safer. She summoned a little of Gemini's magic, and pulsed it through Irvine's mind like a healing spell.

Ether's voice sounded in her head, weak and uncertain.

__

~Sniper. Lion. Sorceress.~

~Yes,~ thought Rinoa. ~Yes, that's it.~

~Sniper. Lion. Sorceress.~

Stronger this time.

__

~Sniper. Lion. Sorceress.~

She felt its power rushing between them, strengthening the link, bringing Irvine's mind into sharp focus. The grief and sadness was still there, but it wasn't quite so raw.

__

~Sniper. Lion. Sorceress.~

Squall and Rinoa's energy flooded into Irvine's heart, and he started to heal.

* * * * * * *

"Zell, I'm sorry, we'll need the cadets. The top classes, anyway. Trabia are on their way, we just need greater numbers to…"

"To _what_ exactly?" Zell rounded angrily on her. "The words 'cannon fodder' spring to mind, Quistis. Is that what you mean?"

Quistis bit her lip; she was pale and anxious. "It's just until Trabia gets here. We need to buy Xu more time."

"How much damn time does she need?" yelled Zell. "There's people _dying _out there! And where the fuck's Squall and the rest of them?"

"I don't know," said Quistis, helplessly. "They just disappeared. Radios won't work, or anything."

"We should retreat," said Zell. "Remember Squall's order?"

"Not yet," came Laguna's steady voice. "It's not time yet. There's still something we can try, right Xu?"

Xu looked up at him, her fingers still tapping on the keyboard. "One more," she said. "I just need to run this through the computer and…"

"Then we wait," said Laguna, his usual friendly smile only slightly marred by worry. "Alright, guys?"

They waited.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa could feel Bane's power pushing against their minds, searching for Ether's weakness.

She concentrated on her feelings for Irvine, remembering everything he'd done for her over the years. How he'd automatically rushed to rescue her from the sorceress at Deling, dragging Squall behind him. How he'd covered her back in battle after battle. How he stayed up with her all night when she first found out what it meant to be a sorceress and couldn't even begin to cope. How he'd always been there for her, _always_, whether she was fed up with training, frustrated by Squall or just plain ordinary pissed off with life in general. She remembered how he'd comforted her, made her laugh, made her feel warm inside just by being his usual vulnerable self. 

She remembered the feeling of his lips on hers, the way he could make her want him so fiercely with that one touch that she would have risked everything for him.

Ether's power surged.

She could feel Squall's thoughts, shy, hesitant, as he took her lead.

Bane's power was surrounding them, constricting, and she felt Ether's horror and revulsion at the blackness.

__

~Squall, remember. Think. Think hard_.~_

He remembered Irvine in the clock tower, scared and lonely, forcing Squall to feel something for another person for the first time in more than a decade. He remembered Irvine in the orphanage, trying to comfort him when he cried. He remembered card games, stilted conversations which Irvine patiently undertook, simply filling in the gaps when Squall's words failed him. He remembered the solidarity of their friendship, the shared silences, Irvine's unswerving loyalty and trust.

He remembered a stolen afternoon of heat and desire, the touch of Irvine's fingers, the taste of his skin.

Irvine's mind flooded love, and Rinoa wrapped it around the three of them, bound them with her magic and made them one. 

* * * * * * *

They were nearly there. Zephyr could already make out the sound of the crystals, just at the edge of his hearing.

Even Duck had gone quiet. 

"We should sing," he suggested. "They say it helps."

"Okay," she said, her lips curving into a shadow of her usual broad grin. "A few choruses of '_The Balamb Maid and the Chocoboy'_, then?"

He grinned back, thinking she was probably the bravest person he knew. Or the most reckless. He never could work out which.

She blew him a kiss and led him towards the crystal-glowing Dians, singing at the top of her lungs.

__

"There was a fair maid

Of Balamb town

She never got laid

And it got her down

She wanted to play

But she couldn't find a toy,

So she went to the forest

To catch her a boy…"

It might not stop the enemy in their tracks, Zef thought as he followed her through the carnage of battle to the brightly glowing army ahead of them. But it might just confuse the hell out of the buggers.

He wondered where Irvine was, and hoped he would see him again.

* * * * * * *

__

~I am stronger. Sniper, Lion, Sorceress. I am strong.~

It was right. And growing stronger all the time, every moment they were linked.

__

~And I will_ have vengeance.~_

Rinoa felt a chill up her spine, shared it with Irvine and Squall. Vengeance? Guardians didn't feel…

~_I feel, Sorceress. I am made of feelings. I feel. I want vengeance.~_

Of the three of them, only Irvine didn't register complete surprise.

Rinoa opened her eyes, and saw Selphie standing before her, her eyes swirling grey and black. She stood straight and tall, and still. Not like Selphie at all. 

She caught the memory of Selphie from Squall and Irvine: friend, companion, lover.

That Selphie was still there, somewhere. She had to be.

The attack came as a whirling frenzy of hatred, Selphie's nunchaka cracking across all three of them. Rinoa deflected the blow with a gesture, drawing on Ether's power as well as her own and Gemini's, effortlessly turning Selphie's attack back on herself. Squall and Irvine flooded her with energy, binding their power to hers.

She'd never felt so strong. 

Selphie slammed back against the wall behind her, and bounced to the floor.

~_Mind shield~ _Irvine told his Guardian, and Rinoa felt Ether circling them, protecting. Bane's thrust of destructive energy bounced away just as Selphie's attack had, leaving just a taste of the immense pain and suffering it had borne.

Rinoa squeezed Irvine's hand, a physical touch to reinforce the affection in her mind. 

Selphie pulled herself back to standing, shaking her head, glowing blue as she healed herself. She turned on them with a growl and attacked again, a ball of ice magic that Rinoa countermanded easily with a hiss of fire, turning it to a cloud of steam between them.

She glared at them, rattling the chain of her nunchaka menacingly, and Bane threw itself at Ether's mind shield. It held.

Irvine and Rinoa ran magic through Lionheart, and Squall charged, slashing at Selphie again and again, dodging her countermoves with ease, driving her back against the wall until she could barely fight back. He gritted his teeth against the revulsion he felt at hurting her like this, careful not to look in her eyes, or linger on her face, telling himself over and over that this wasn't Selphie, the friend who'd fought at his side for years, who'd stood by him at Ultimecia's castle, who'd teased him and loved him and made him feel things.

It wasn't Selphie. 

A voice that sounded like Selphie's called Bane.

~_Squall, watch out! She's summoning!~_

Squall stepped back and watched as Bane emerged, ephemeral and mist-like, black and terrible. Selphie slumped against the wall, her nails scraping down the crystals embedded there with an unearthly shriek, and curled into a ball.

Bane hovered there, shimmering.

__

~Now what?~ Squall was breathing hard, gunblade in his hand still, face damp with sweat and tears, fighting down the guilt.

__

~Kill it,~ said Irvine and Ether in unison, without hesitation.

__

~How?~

Irvine didn't answer consciously; Rinoa just got the impression of Ether's power reaching out and clashing with Bane's. She felt the recoil of Bane's counter attack, a twist of cruelty, painful and morbid. Squall's presence faded a little as he put a wall around his feelings; Irvine seemed unaffected, ready to send Ether's energy out again. Rinoa tried hard as she could to coax Squall to open himself to them again, concentrating on Gemini's strength, telling herself that it was Bane making her feel bad, just Bane, it wasn't real. It was trying to twist her memories, reminding her over and over of how Selphie attacked her after she found her with Irvine and Squall, how she _wanted_ Selphie to hit her, how she felt dirty and cheap and needed to be punished, how she couldn't believe either man really cared for her, they just used her, like a silly little whore, just…

__

~Rin. Stop it. We love you.~

~We both love you.~

~They've always loved you.~

It's Bane. It's just Bane. It's not real.

__

~Sniper. Lion. Sorceress.~

~We love you.~

* * * * * * *

__

"… the chocoboy blew his whistle

And she was a maid no more!

Yes, the chocoboy blew his…"

"Duck, what's that?"

"What's what, lover?" She paused and looked back at him over her shoulder, wire at the ready.

"That sound." He was listening intently.

She jerked her head towards the Dian army that was nearly within shooting range. "That lot? Don't listen! Come on, sing with me, _the chocoboy blew…_"

"No, it's something else. Almost like the ocean… fuck, Duck, look! They've done it! Balamb have fucking done it!"

She followed his gaze back towards the pink glowing monsters just in time to see the one nearest them explode into a messy downpour of what looked - and felt - uncannily like melted marshmallow.

They weren't singing anymore. 

"They've found a frequency that explodes the crystals!" yelled Zephyr, pulling her back as another tentacled beast blew to pieces in front of them. 

"Well, fuck me!" Duck laughed, shaking pink goo from her hair.

Zephyr squealed and caught hold of her, spinning her round.

"Later, babe, later," he breathed into her ear.

* * * * * * *

Up in the control room, Xu was getting hugged within an inch of her life. 

"You did it!" squealed Zell, breaking off his embrace to do a series of flickflacks along to the doorway and back.

"Show off," muttered Xu under her breath. 

"Well done," Quistis squeezed her shoulder. "I knew you could do it."

"The explosion is a neat idea," said Laguna. "I hope their innards aren't toxic."

"Oh no," said Xu. "Quite harmless. They won't all explode, though. My guess is about seventy percent will blow up, the rest will just shatter internally, maybe killing the host, maybe not. Some won't blow up at all, but the frequency should still block the harmful sound waves."

"I'll order the cleanup operation," said Quistis. "Thanks, Xu. Are you okay? You don't look too pleased."

Xu smiled weakly. "Just… worried about the others."

"They'll be fine," said Quistis, with a conviction borne of experience. "Trust Squall. He'll bring them home safe. He always does."

Xu nodded, but her worried expression didn't change. She couldn't feel pleased, not yet. 

Not until she saw Selphie again with her own eyes.

* * * * * * *

~_We need to summon Ether,~ _thought Irvine. ~_We can defend like this, but we can't properly attack.~_

~Won't that leave us exposed?~ suggested Squall. _~Without the mind shield…~_

~It might. But it's our best shot. We'll just have to stay strong.~

Squall wasn't convinced, he could tell; his eyes darted to Rinoa's briefly, then turned to Irvine with a grim expression. 

"Alright," he said, out loud. "Let's do it."

Together, they called Ether.

Ether's manifestation was different from usual. Irvine could make out a shape, a humanoid shape, crafted from blue mist.

So, Ether did have a gender, after all. Even in this ephemeral state, Irvine could be sure his Guardian was male. He almost smiled.

No sooner had the shape formed, than it started to change; first into the icy form of Shiva, then flickering to the multicoloured Gemini. Then back to Ether, a pulsing string of glittering, wispy images.

It was strong. They were strong. They were going to win.

Irvine's gaze flickered over to the puddle of drying blood where Frila's body lay.

__

~Vengeance. For you, Hotshot.~

Ether, Gemini and Shiva prepared to attack, and for the first time, they felt Bane's fear.

It felt good.

Ether stood before Bane, pulsing to Shiva, to Gemini, and back to Ether, and Bane shrank from them. 

Ether charged at Bane, and for a moment their forms combined. When Ether withdrew, Bane was less.

Shiva threw her ice at Bane, and Bane shattered.

Gemini whirled her blades, and Bane was cut to ribbons.

Bane threw itself at Irvine, but Ether was in the way.

Bane howled and writhed, and struggled.

And then, just before it was sure to die, it vanished.

* * * * * * *

Frila felt as though she'd been walking on the beach forever. She could see the bay curling around ahead of her, and if she turned she could see the other end, but she was always in the middle. However far she walked, she was always in the middle.

The waves lapped at her bare feet, which strangely, didn't hurt, although she must have walked for tens, even hundreds of miles.

__

I wonder if this is what it was like for Sen?

She'd hoped that maybe she'd see him again, when she died. 

Perhaps she still would. She can't have been dead for long, although it felt like she'd been walking for days.

It wasn't how she'd thought it would be.

Finally, she couldn't walk any more. Not without a rest, at any rate. She lowered herself gently to sit on the sand. She was naked. 

That figured, she supposed. No need of clothes in the afterlife. She'd miss the leather, though.

She'd miss Irvine. 

She'd thought she might see Sen.

She leaned back against the warm, rustling scales of the water dragon, and sighed.

"Am I dead, Oceanus?" 

"Yes," came his rich, familiar voice.

"Is Sen here?"

"Yes. But you cannot see him. Not yet."

"I want to see him."

"You will, Child. One day."

"Why are you here?"

"I swore to protect you, Child. I swore to make good my sin."

"Risha?"

"Yes."

"But… I mean, no offence, but… I'm dead, right? So… not that I mind, I mean you did tell me not to do it and all, and I know you'd have stopped me if you could but… you didn't. I'm dead. It's too late to protect me now. Shouldn't you be off trying to junction someone else?"

"I swore to protect you. I shall protect you, so you can be strong for Sanke."

She turned and snuggled into his warm side, feeling the flutter of a wing as he rustled it over her naked body. She didn't understand, but she felt suddenly tired, and couldn't find the strength to argue.

"Who's Sanke?" she asked, sleepily, knowing she should remember.

She felt the thrum of excitement through his body, like the ripple of a wave.

"My offspring," said Oceanus, proudly.

She sat up, suddenly awake, eyes wide, and looked into the lizard-eye closest to her. "Your offspring? How?"

"The one you called Chet tried to make more of me," he explained. "It tried to use the one I lost. I thought it to have failed."

"He grafted you on to Risha?"

"Yes."

"And it worked?"

"Yes."

"But only when Risha was gone, right?"

"Yes. I mourn the one I lost. I wanted no harm for her. I did not know she held my child. But Sanke lives. That is why you must go back."

"What?"

"I will make you live again, for Sanke."

"You can do that?"

"Once."

"But… I… you could look after Sanke just fine. Why do you need me?" She fought down a surge of hope, thinking it bound to be false.

"She cannot be joined. She is already joined to the shell of the one I lost, and always will be. I cannot be with her. You are worthy. You died for Sniper. You would die for Sanke. You are worthy."

Frila felt a sudden wave of sadness flood through her. "You're not coming with me, are you?"

"That is the price."

"You're giving your life for mine?"

"Yes. It is my honour to do so."

"No. Oceanus, I can't let you do this. You could go back, join with anyone, get them to help Sanke. You're way more powerful than me. I can't let you. I can't…"

__

To see Irvine. Just one more time. Just once.

"He mourns."

"He'll heal. I healed, after Sen."

"Did you?"

"I would have. I was getting better. People die. Other people cope with it. How many lives were lost down there in that battle, Oceanus? Hundreds? A thousand? More? Their families and friends will be mourning too."

"They were not as strong as you. You are worthy. I swore to protect. You must live."

"It's not right."

"It was right for you to die for Sniper."

"Yes. And I knew it. I did it willingly. I can't take it back."

"Your death gave me freedom. I do this of my choice. I will give my life for you."

The hope was bright now. She could taste it. She could almost feel the new, fresh air in her lungs, almost taste the bright spark of life in her soul.

"You will live. I have chosen."

"But…"

"You will live."

There was a long pause, and the hope grew brighter still, until, bit by bit, it became a promise. 

"Oceanus…" she slowly stroked the rustling scales that smelt richly of seaweed and salt water. "Oceanus, I'll miss you so much."

"Sanke will be your comfort."

She felt tears running down her cheeks, and watched them fall on Oceanus' paper-thin wings in little splashes.

"I will care for her," she promised. "I'll protect her with my life, if I need to. You have my word."

Oceanus pushed her gently away from his body with one forepaw, and drew himself erect, dragon rampant, wings unfurling to form a backdrop to his awesome, shimmering form. She stood in front of him, small and naked, and reached out to touch his silky scales one last time.

"Tell Sen I miss him," she whispered.

Oceanus drew back his head and bathed her in the watery silver light of his breath.

__

~Farewell, Child. Live.~

There was a flash, and a hissing crash in her head like a wave smashing against a rock, and suddenly, her lungs were full.

Oceanus shimmered in front of her for a second, and faded on a sigh.

__

~Shield.~

* * * * * * *

Irvine howled frustration, so loud it echoed off the crystal walls. 

The mind bond was gone, their Guardians junctioned but dormant, but the link was still there enough that Squall and Rinoa could feel the full force of Irvine's anguish. 

Rinoa cast scan spells in every direction, but could find nothing.

"Selphie!" yelled Irvine. "It must have gone back to…"

"No," said Rinoa. "She's just Selphie."

"Sure is," came a mumble from Selphie's lips.

"Seffie?" Irvine knelt next to her and took her hand. "Seffie, are you okay?"

"Fucking awful," she said, hoarsely. "But thanks."

Rinoa squatted on her other side, and brushed the hair back from her face and getting her spells ready. "Oh Seffie, thank gods…"

"The crystals," Selphie whispered. "It's gone into the crystals."

Squall looked around him in horror at the tens of tens of thousands of crystals that lined the cave. "Bollocks!" he snapped. "We nearly had him…"

__

~Curaga~

~Full life~

~Curaga~

"Thanks." The colour slowly returned to Selphie's cheeks.

Squall looked at her, worried. "Unless…"

"You think I might be lying," said Selphie, her voice a little stronger now.

"I'm sorry," said Squall. "It junctioned you by force. We don't know what it…" 

Selphie nodded. "Sure. I understand. Come on, Irvy. Make yourself at home. Just try not to move anything, eh?"

Irvine looked at her in amazement. "But Ether…"

"Don't bother me none," said Selphie with a shrug, sitting up a little straighter and clasping Irvine's hand. "Come on, Cowboy."

Which was proof enough, at least to Irvine's mind, that Bane wasn't in her head anymore. But he caught Squall's expression, and obediently settled by Selphie, taking her tiny hands in his.

There was no blackness, no writhing sin. Just Selphie's mind, fluffy, glittering bright with intelligence and indefatigable hope. He felt a little rush of Gemini's power join Ether's and bathe the rooms of Selphie's consciousness in rainbow colours, cleansing, healing.

"Oh, it tingles!"

Ether drew back, and Irvine followed with a squeeze to Selphie's hand, a sigh of relief. 

"Alright, Cowboy?"

He nodded. 

"We must go," said Squall. "All we can do is seal the cave. We've been gone long enough as it is, they'll need Rinoa out there, and Oceanus." He frowned, looking back at Frila's still form. "Where _is_ Oceanus?"

Irvine struggled with the threat of tears; he couldn't let himself cry, not yet. There was too much still to do, and he knew once he started…

"Must've gone wild," said Rinoa. "It did that before, remember?"

"Poor Oceanus," said Selphie. "First Risha and now…"

"We'll have to do without, then," said Squall harshly.

There was enough of the mind link left that Irvine caught the grief and regret behind Squall's Commander voice. As always, the mission before his feelings. He swallowed hard, as it dawned on him just how much Squall sacrificed all the time to be the leader he was. No wonder he found it hard to open up, even now. He felt a surge of compassion, and caught the surprise in Squall's eyes as he picked it up. 

"Let's go," said Rinoa, slipping her hand in Squall's, adding her sympathy to Irvine's. "I'll seal the cave."

Selphie pulled herself to her feet and reached out to help Irvine up. He allowed himself to look at Frila again.

"I can't leave her here," he murmured. "Let me get her out of the cave, at least."

"Irvine, we don't have…" Squall started, but he couldn't finish. "Alright," he said gently. "If this place leads to the Dian tunnels I don't want them… quickly, Irvine." He turned and led the way out of the cave, Rinoa and Selphie following. Irvine watched his back, muscles rippling underneath his sweat-damp t-shirt, and felt a pang, an almost irresistible need to be with them, an anxiety at letting them out of his sight for an instant, but he hurried over to Frila's body nonetheless, ignoring the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach at her wounds…

Which weren't there anymore.

"Hotshot?"

He fumbled with her arm, pulling leather back from her wrist to find her pulse, searching her face for any sign of life, his fingers shaking too much to register any response, even if he found it.

He lowered his face to hers to search for her breath, and he thought he could hear the ocean.

* * * * * * *

Frila felt something tickle her face; something soft, wispy, familiar.

__

Was it real? Am I really alive?

She was unjunctioned: Oceanus wasn't there, nor Shiva. She was alone.

"Hotshot?"

Her eyelids flickered open, slowly as if from a long sleep, and her eyes settled on violet and copper.

Tears splashed her face, and she heard her name, over and over, Hotshot, Hotshot, Hotshot.

"Irvine?"

The warm joy of Ether's power flooded over her; she felt Irvine's strong arms fold around her, pick her up off the ground and hold her close.

She clung to him, and wept.

* * * * * * *


	37. Waves

__

Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This version has been censored to R-rating in line with ffnet policy; the full version is at my website, http:www.scribblemoose.co.uk 

Feedback very welcome, here or by e-mail (_fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk__)_

************************************************************

****

Memories 37 - Waves

Rinoa was already calling Leviathan as Irvine ran out of the cave and onto the beach. He heard the rush of water as she flooded the rock, the crash of ice as Shiva froze it in seconds, blasting the cave mouth to pieces. There was a loud rumble of new boulders settling into place, and then quiet, except for the pull of the ocean, and the distant sound of fighting.

Irvine buried his face in Frila's hair, listening to her breathe as if expecting her to stop any minute, dimly aware of Selphie calling his name.

"It's alright, Selph, she's alive," Rinoa was explaining.

The link was still fresh; Squall and Rinoa had been with him, he realised. They knew. Amazed relief was coming off them in waves, they didn't dare believe this any more than he did.

"Are you okay?" He whispered in her ear. "Are you really okay?"

"Yes," she whispered back, laughing suddenly, warming his heart. She pulled back to look at him properly. "Yes, I am."

"What happened? I tried to cure you but…" Irvine's best guess so far was that the curatives had just taken a while to work. 

"Oceanus sent me back," she tried to explain, knowing it sounded impossible. Then there were other arms round her: Rinoa and Selphie, hugging her and Irvine all at once. 

She heard a familiar squeak of leather and thought for a moment that Squall was going to join in, but he just put a hand to her shoulder and squeezed, with a murmur of "welcome back, Hotshot," before wandering off up the beach a little ways, radio in hand.

Squall Leonhart had called her Hotshot.

She was still coming to terms with that when Irvine told her Bane was gone, Chet dead. Squall jogged back to tell them the battle was all but over: the Dians were about to retreat.

She blinked, trying to understand what all this meant.

"Are you really alright?" asked Irvine again.

"Yes," she said. "I'm fine. We can talk later. I need to go and find Sanke."

"Sanke?" Irvine frowned. "Why?"

"It's a long story," said Frila, "but I made a promise, and I need to see her." She turned to Squall. "Can I?"

"Don't see why not," said Squall. "Is Oceanus…"

"Oceanus is dead," she said, her voice flat.

"I'm sorry," said Squall, obviously itching to ask questions, but somehow restraining himself. "Report to Quistis when you get to Garden; she'll debrief you. Get yourself checked out by the Doc, alright?"

She nodded. 

"You too, Selphie," he added. "You're off duty. We can manage this."

"But Squall…"

"Go see Xu," he said, gruffly.

Selphie flashed him a warm smile, and might have hugged him, had he not already turned away to fiddle urgently with some part of his gunblade.

Irvine suddenly realised he was required to let go of the warm body in his arms, and he wasn't entirely sure he could. He hugged her tight until she pulled herself away, smiling at him, touching his face with gentle fingers. "Later," she whispered. "I'll come to your room."

Irvine nodded. He suddenly noticed that Squall and Rinoa were already striding up the beach towards the remains of the battle, and felt a pang of anxiety. He gave Frila one last hug, and headed after them at a jog.

Selphie watched them, with an unpleasant sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach all of a sudden, the lurch of a memory.

"Come on Hotshot," she said, reaching out for Frila's hand. "Let's go see what miracle they pulled out of the bag this time, eh?"

Frila followed her back to Garden.

* * * * * * *

With one blast of magical fire, Rinoa convinced the last of the Dians to flee to the ocean, even though the tunnel they'd emerged from had long-since collapsed, and apparently they didn't swim very well. Once again the medical teams were fully stretched, all junctioned SeeDs assisting with healing magic. Squall, Rinoa and Irvine worked together, dipping back into their link to cure ten, twenty casualties at a time, until Ether was too drained to produce magic any longer. Even then Squall and Rinoa continued with the other Guardians. Irvine stayed with them, until finally the last truck had left the beach, the last squad gone back to Garden, and it was just the three of them and the patrol that had been assigned to watch the beach, just in case the Dians were stupid enough to come back for more.

"I guess we should go back," said Rinoa, scrubbing at her bare leg with her knuckles to remove a bit of dried-on pink goo. "Don't know about you guys, but I could really use a shower."

"Yeah," agreed Irvine. "And I want to go check on Frila."

"I want to go check the cave entrance before I go back," said Squall. "Just to be sure. You guys go ahead."

"Nah, that's okay," said Rinoa, quickly. "Let's all go."

It just felt right to Irvine, to go with them. 

They walked down the beach together, leaving the remains of the carnage behind them for the pale, untarnished sand that could have been a hundred miles away from the battlefield. The cave was just as they'd left it, sealed with rubble. The tide was nearly all the way in, leaving just a few feet of pale Balamb sand between surf and cliff.

"I'll get a squad down here tomorrow to seal this properly," said Squall, casting one final scan spell to be certain. "But there's no sign of life."

"Good," said Rinoa, with feeling. "Gods, I'm tired all of a sudden. And my feet hurt." She sat down on the sand, and started to untie her boots.

"It's the link," said Irvine. "You've used a fuck of a lot of energy. I guess Gemini must be all done in. I know Ether is. Here, let me help." He knelt behind her, and started to knead her shoulders with his talented fingers.

Squall helped her take off her boots, and worked on her ankles.

Rinoa closed her eyes, and let herself relax. "Mmm… feels good…" she murmured, leaning back into Irvine's massage, wiggling her toes.

Irvine smiled, and without thinking, bent to kiss her neck.

Squall ran his hand up her leg to her thigh, rubbing the strong muscles with his thumb.

She arched her back a little, stretching her arms above her head, her breasts thrust forward. It was still dark, and Irvine couldn't see Squall's face properly in the low light that floated down from Garden, still perched on the cliff top. But he could catch his friend's contentment through the remains of the link. 

Ether hummed softly in the back of his mind. 

Rinoa tangled her fingers in Squall's hair, and drew his face close for a kiss. Irvine watched, thinking he should leave them, go back to Garden and find Frila… Squall broke his and Rinoa's kiss and caught Irvine's gaze, and suddenly Irvine didn't want to leave any more. 

Squall looked at him, cloudy eyes smouldering in the scant light, shadowed by the messy hair that tumbled over his face. 

"Squall…?" breathed Irvine, uncertainly.

__

~Ether. It's Ether.~

"Irvine." 

Squall leaned over Rinoa's shoulder, and brushed his lips against Irvine's.

A thrill shot up Irvine's spine; he tangled his fingers in Squall's hair and kissed him back with a passion, thrusting his tongue in his friend's mouth, and when he paused it was only to find the same pleasure with Rinoa, each of them taking turns to kiss each other.

Rinoa pulled her vest over her head; Irvine deftly helped her out of her bra, while Squall stripped her shorts and underwear over her hips and down her sleek legs. Her skin still glowed with the after-effects of Gemini's magic; she looked stunningly beautiful. Again he kissed her, feeling Ether's power growing, thriving on their need, the pleasure they were giving each other. She struggled to free first Irvine and then Squall from their clothes, with only bare co-operation from either, both intent on each others' bodies, stroking firm chests, mouths locked together, hardness pressing to hardness. Finally naked, the three of them fell back on the sand, the gentle surf teasing their feet. 

* * * * * * * 

"Looks like we found him," whispered Duck.

Zephyr followed her gaze to a writhing heap of bodies just ahead of them. 

Zephyr's face broke into a broad grin, partly amusement, but mostly relief.

"Who's that he's with?" mused Duck. "Has he got rid of the little redhead already?"

Zephyr fought to keep himself from laughing; they were close enough to be heard in the still night air. "If I'm not mistaken," he tilted his head to one side to confirm his suspicions in the dim light, "that's the Commander of Balamb Garden and his Sorceress."

"Well fuck me si…" Duck found herself silenced by Zephyr's palm across her mouth, and resumed in a whisper. "..sideways. Leonhart? Again? That's not fair. I want him. Do you think we could…"

Zef held her back with a firm arm around her middle, and kissed her neck. "Not this time, lover. Maybe one day. But seeing as we've found Shotgun, and we know he's safe… what d'you say we go to bed and celebrate another escape from a certain and slimy death? I heard a rumour they were giving out champagne in Balamb cafeteria."

Duck grinned, and ruffled his hair.

"Just this once, then," she said. "But I'll have words with Shotgun about this, you see if I don't. He has to learn to share."

Zephyr kissed her adorable, pouting, lips, and led her back to Garden.

* * * * * * *

Frila made her way down the corridor towards the Infirmary, pleased to have escaped the excursion to the cafeteria reasonably unscathed. Quistis had been getting very drunk, and displaying her affection for her colleagues in a way that Frila was certain an impressionable cadet shouldn't be witnessing. Quistis had been especially intent on Laguna, for some reason. Probably because he seemed to have taken it into his head to look after her, and try to swap her champagne for fizzy water when she wasn't looking. A brave man indeed.

She was fairly certain that Quistis wouldn't remember Frila reporting back to her in the morning, but never mind. She'd followed her orders, and now she and Selphie were off to the infirmary at last, Selphie on the trail of Xu, who had been helping the Doc care for the wounded, and herself to take a good look at her new responsibility.

She caught a flash of Galbadian uniform out of the corner of her eye, and recognised Zef.

"Hotshot!" he said, delightedly. "Glad you made it."

She smiled at him, and took his proffered hand to shake. "So am I," she murmured, just as she spotted Duck, a little behind him. "Sorry, I've got to go," she said. "But I'm glad you're alright."

He nodded and moved on, Duck following with an outrageous wink which Frila scowled at.

"Who's that?" asked Selphie, curiously.

"Irvine's friends from Galbadia," said Frila, "Zephyr and Duck…"

"Oh, that's Zephyr and Duck," said Selphie with a knowing grin. "I always wondered what they looked like, Irvine never had photos…"

Duck's voice drifted back down the corridor as they moved away, and Frila caught her name.

__

"Poor Hotshot. You don't suppose she knows Shotgun's cheating on her down on the beach, with our glorious commander and his little witch?"

Frila's cheeks were suddenly hot, her head was spinning, and she could see by Selphie's expression that she'd heard, too.

Duck's voice faded to laughter as she and Zef disappeared down the hall.

"Frila," said Selphie, gently. "You shouldn't…"

Frila stopped in her tracks, fists clenched at her sides. "How could he…"

"No," said Selphie. "It's not like that. I'm sure it's not. Look, my quarters are just down here. Come with me. Let me explain."

"You're going to say it's Ether," said Frila. "Like it was when he cheated on you." She took a deep breath. "You're going to tell me Ether made him do it."

Selphie looked a little surprised. "Well… yes," she admitted. "But it's true. Irvine thinks the world of you. You saved his life. He wouldn't do this unless…"

Frila shook her head. "It's not the same," she said. "He didn't _know_ about Ether back then. He does now. Ether can't make him do what he doesn't want to do."

"But… Frila, there's a lot of things we don't understand about Guardians. Until today we didn't think they could junction you against your will, but believe me, they can." The shadow of remembered fear in Selphie's eyes underlined her point. "It wasn't just any old battle for any of them, and the link was so intense. I know how you feel," she said. "I just don't want you to make the same mistake I made. Please. At least wait until you've heard his side of it."

"No," said Frila. "It's not the same." _He _loved_ you. He really, really loved you. That was the difference._

"But… come to my quarters. We should talk about this."

Frila shoved a hand roughly through her hair. "No," she said. "I can't think about this now. I need to go and see Sanke. That's all."

"Okay." Selphie squeezed her arm gently. "But please, don't do anything rash. Give him a chance. Hear his side of things. Please? For me?"

She was surprised to see the longing in Selphie's eyes, as if she really did regret losing Irvine, after all. 

"You're happy with Xu," she said. "Aren't you?"

Selphie looked startled by this sudden change in conversation, and took her hand away from Frila's arm. "Yes," she said, after a longer pause than Frila had expected. "Of course, yes. But that doesn't mean… if it hadn't happened, if I hadn't left Irvine…" She shook her head impatiently. "I don't believe in ifs. I want to be with Xu more than anything. I just don't want you to make the mistakes I made. That's all."

Frila looked down at her feet, trying to stop the maelstrom of thoughts surging through her mind. 

"Thanks," she said, a little awkwardly. 

"Hyne, listen to me," said Selphie, her voice returning to its usual light tone. "I sound like I'm your mother. Take no notice, girl. I'm sure you can make your own decisions. Now, let's go see what you've let yourself in for, eh?"

She set off down the corridor towards the infirmary, and Frila fell into step beside her.

* * * * * * *

Rinoa kissed whatever flesh she came across, feeling it all, feeling Squall's fingers around Irvine's cock, Irvine's teeth nibbling Squall's neck; her own body thrumming with expectant pleasure. A hand reached out, Squall's, she thought, although it was getting increasingly difficult to tell, and felt between her legs; Irvine rolled over to kiss her, and yes, it was Squall between her legs, touching her exactly how she wanted to be touched, knowing, knowing, knowing… his lips replaced Irvine's, and then he was rolling her over on top of him, the head of his cock at her entrance, nudging inside her. She squeezed him with her thighs and slid down on him as the sea splashed across her back and over her shoulders, drenching them both.

"You okay?" she peered anxiously at him, dimly aware that something had changed, but not knowing exactly what. He was soaked, long, wet hair clinging to his face, water beading on his ivory skin, eyes blinking from the shock of the water. He was, quite possibly, the sexiest thing she'd ever seen.

He laughed, spluttering brine. "Oh yeah." He licked his lips. "Sea water. Of all the kinds of water to get dripping wet with, the ocean's my favourite."

She laughed with him, and dipped her head to taste for herself.

Irvine watched them as he finished dressing, shaking the worst of the sand out of his hat before perching it back on his head. He took one last look as Rinoa started to move her hips in slow circles, long dark hair clinging wetly to her naked back. They were lost in each other, Squall gently caressing the sides of her breasts with his fingertips, smiling at her, his eyes closing briefly from time to time with pure pleasure. They looked so beautiful together. He bit his lip, yearning so strongly to be with them, but just as sure that there was too much at stake. The love Squall and Rinoa had finally found with each other, Frila… the newly-discovered memory of the last time was sharp and bitter sweet in his head, a temptation and a deterrent all at once.

Irvine smiled, and walked away, Ether grumbling loudly in his head.

By the time they noticed, he was long gone.

* * * * * * *

She looked so young.

Frila sat on the edge of the bed, and took one frail hand in hers. Sanke's fingers curled gently into Frila's palm, and she sighed, without waking, a tiny smile on her face. She looked calm, contented, peaceful. Frila traced the crystal-scar on her fragile wrist, contemplating the twist of fate that had taken Risha's life and liberated Sanke's. If Xu hadn't loved Selphie, if Bane hadn't been in that crystal, if Chet hadn't wanted to breed Guardians…

She looked so fragile.

Frila cast her eyes over the pictures on the wall next to the bed.

If she hadn't thought to give up the gunblade…

If she hadn't wanted Irvine Kinneas… or let him break her heart…

If she hadn't run to the beach and found Oceanus…

Frila leaned over and kissed Sanke's hair. It felt soft and clean, and rather than the antiseptic smell of infirmary pillow that Frila had expected, it carried the faint scent of the ocean.

She snuggled into Frila's touch with a sigh.

"Shield…" she murmured.

"Yes," Frila whispered back. "I'm here."

* * * * * * *

Squall lost himself in Rinoa's soft, wet body, all thoughts of Irvine forgotten. His feet flat on the shifting sand, knees raised, he flexed his hips to meet her as she rode him. Her head was thrown back, her full, firm breasts bouncing, her skin gleaming, stretched taut over lean muscles. 

When the next wave hit, she pulled him up to sitting, wrapping her legs around his waist and changing to a grinding rhythm, draping her arms over his shoulders, growling triumph.

He pulled her head close to his and kissed her deeply, thrusting as deeply inside her as he could, drowning in her hot, wet mouth. She hitched in her breath and her body went impossibly tense for a long moment, before another wave broke over them, and she came, clenching around him, holding him tight and biting into his shoulder. The sand shifted underneath them as the tide pulled back, the water tugging at their bodies. Squall locked his mouth on hers, clutching handfuls of her hair in his long fingers, plunging deeply inside of her as the roar of the ocean filled his ears and his mind. There was a moment of quiet, of stillness, as he felt his body pause on the brink, and then he was coming, filling her, spurting over and over inside her. 

The next wave crashed over their heads, reaching all the way to the cliff behind them now, the last wave, the furthest wave, the longest reach, before the tide retreated.

* * * * * * *

Frila wrapped her hair in a large towel, and peered in her closet. She didn't want to turn on the light for fear of waking Kellon, but it was hard to find specific items in a dark, untidy cupboard, especially when most of her clothes were black.

She tripped over something that was probably her boots, and swore.

"You can put the light on," her room-mate sighed. "I'm awake."

"Sorry," said Frila, turning on the desk light with an apologetic grin. "I was trying to be quiet."

"You don't _do_ quiet," said Kellon, rubbing her eyes sleepily with the heels of her hands. "Where are you going, anyway? Did you kill anything today? And, by the way, glad you're still alive."

Frila smiled, thinking how odd that sounded, considering what had happened. She didn't want to stop and explain right now, though. In fact she wasn't sure she should tell anyone just yet. She had a feeling there were some parts of the story that Squall might decide shouldn't be spread around. 

"No, I didn't kill anything," she said. "Did a bit of damage, is all. And I'm going out."

"Where? You've got someone, haven't you? Oh, come on, Frila, I know you have. That creepy Almasy guy was dropping some pretty big hints yesterday."

"Kind of," Frila admitted, poking about in the closet and producing a slightly faded T-shirt, a pair of old, worn jeans and a broad leather belt. 

"Frila…" Kellon growled, hooking strands of wine-coloured hair behind her ears. "I'm your friend, even if I haven't seen much of you for the past fortnight. Tell."

Frila dropped her towel and started to dress. "Alright, then, yes. I've been seeing someone." It felt surreal, having what appeared to be a perfectly normal conversation all of a sudden. Only a couple of weeks ago she and Kellon had shared their lives in a steady rhythm of conversation and affection, as they had done from the day they arrived at Garden together. Yet since she'd met Irvine it was as if Kellon had ceased to exist. Her best friend was completely oblivious to the biggest events of her life. She'd not realised how much she'd missed it, this normality.

"Who?" Kellon bounced excitedly. "Who is it? It's not that guy with the pinky hair, is it? Only he's wanted you for the longest…"

"No, I can't tell you. It's no-one you know, not personally."

"Oh, please," Kellon wheedled. "Please? Your secret's safe with me, I promise. I stuck up for you with Almasy and everything, didn't I? Come on, please…"

Frila pulled her 'gunbladers do it in leather' T-shirt over her head, a mischievous smile appearing on her lips. After all, he was supposed to have been a trophy fuck, and _his_ friends knew… and it was so lonely, not being able to tell anyone. And she'd had one hell of a day…

"Please?" Kellon was looking at her with wide, puppy dog eyes.

"It's Irvine Kinneas," said Frila, enjoying the moment.

Kellon squealed. "Captain Kinneas? No! Really?"

"You mustn't tell anyone," Frila said, suddenly panicked now the thrill of confession was fading. "We'd get chucked out. And anyway… it's just a… just one of those things, alright?"

Kellon nodded, grinning broadly. "'Course. I knew there was something, but… wow. Is he as good as they say he is?"

Frila failed to suppress a grin, twisting round to thread her belt through the loops of her jeans. "You wouldn't believe how good he is," she said. "And I shouldn't be having this conversation." She buckled her belt swiftly, and shook the towel from her head. "In fact, I _haven't_ had this conversation, okay? You tell anyone and I'll just claim you made it all up." She tipped her head forwards so her hair hung upside down, and started to pull a comb through it.

"I wouldn't do that," said Kellon, a bit peeved. "I really am your friend, you know, whatever you think. So, is it serious?"

Frila laughed. _I died for him. How serious can you get? _ "You know what he's like," she said, certain that Kellon had no idea.

"Well, I'm envious," Kellon admitted, snuggling back under the covers. "I expect details tomorrow."

"Hn. Don't expect too much." Frila tossed her hair back. "But I do have some other stuff to tell you later, if you'll listen?"

Kellon picked up a shadow of hurt in her voice, and caught her friend's gaze, propping herself up on her elbows. 

"Of course," she said, softly. "I'll be right here."

"Thanks." Frila turned to the door.

"Will you be back?" asked Kellon, a little anxiously. "Tonight, I mean?"

Frila paused in the open doorway, silhouetted in the light from the hallway.

"I don't know," she whispered. "I really don't know."

The door swooshed shut behind her.

* * * * * * *

The bath water was just hot enough to turn her skin pink, without being so hot as to make her dizzy; the soothing scent of lavender and rose petals floated on the warm air, and the world fluttered pleasantly in the candlelight.

"I love you so much," Xu whispered into her damp hair.

"Me too." Selphie lazily stroked Xu's arm, idly stroking the tap with one toe.

There was a long pause. Selphie's eyes flickered closed.

She floated for a moment, almost asleep, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she remembered the shriek of Bane's voice as it left her, the black invasion of its junction...

Her eyes snapped open, focusing with relief on a candle flame.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Um. Yeah." She forced herself to relax, suddenly realising she was gripping Xu's arm so tightly that her flesh was white under Selphie's fingers.

"Tell me." Xu smoothed Selphie's hair over her shoulders, marvelling at how long it was without its usual perky flip.

"I… I can't. Soon. Just… not yet."

Xu pressed her lips against the damp skin at Selphie's neck. "Soon as you're ready, sweetheart," she said.

"It was horrible," said Selphie, in a very small voice. _I couldn't stop it. It came into my mind, and I couldn't stop it._

Xu rested her chin on Selphie's shoulder, sliding her arms further around her tiny waist.

"It's evil. Pure evil." _It made me evil. It made me want to kill the people I love the most._

"I know, darling. I know."

Selphie's voice was lowered to a whisper. "It's still out there, Xu."

Xu closed her eyes, and hugged Selphie closer.

"It can't hurt you any more," she said. "I won't let it. Squall won't let it. We'll track down whatever crystal it's got itself into and we'll destroy it. I promise you. I'll keep you safe. I'll find a way to stop it junctioning. Something. Anything. Whatever happens, I promise I'll keep you safe."

"Really?" _But it was you who let it loose. Can you really stop something that powerful? Can Squall? Can anyone?_

"I swear. I love you so much. So, so much."

"Can you make me forget?"

"No, Selphie. At least, not forever. But I can make it better. I can always make it better."

"Please?" Almost a whimper.

Xu gently twisted Selphie's shoulders so she could kiss her, wet lips searching wet lips, tongue tips dancing. She brushed silky fingertips over a nipple, smiled into their kiss as Selphie responded to her touch. 

Selphie arched, water spilling over the sides of the bath, and sighed. She surrendered herself completely to Xu's hands, resting her head back on Xu's shoulder, rocking her body into Xu's caress, little cries escaping from her throat.

It was heaven, and comfort, and bliss, and for a little while, she almost forgot.

Almost.

* * * * * * *

Irvine lay on his bed, and worried about Frila's gunblade. 

He couldn't get out of his head that he'd left it in the cave, that he hadn't thought to pick it up, and that she'd be sad. It was a stupid thing to worry about, on the scale of things that had happened that night, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. That, and he was tired; Ether had been complaining so loudly he'd had to unjunction, and he was _still_ dimly but unavoidably aware that his Guardian hadn't forgiven him for leaving Squall and Rinoa on the beach.

It was bound to mean a lot to her, the gunblade. Her father had made it for her, and it had her emblem engraved on the blade. 

She'd saved his life with it.

He jumped at the sound of the door chime. 

She was still alive, looking amazingly hot in old jeans and t-shirt, her hair loose and freshly-washed. He felt a jolt through his body that made him pleased Ether wasn't junctioned right then.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi." She wasn't smiling.

"Come in," he frowned, leading her into the room. "You want anything? Disgusting coffee, water…"

"You had sex with Squall and Rinoa on the beach," she said, flatly.

He turned to her, stunned, wondering how on earth she could have even guessed. "No, I didn't," he said. "Not…quite."

"It's none of my business," she said. "I just want to know the truth. I guess it was Ether, right? From the mind link."

"After today, I think it is your business," he said, horrified by the pain in her eyes. "Yes, we were close, because of the mind link, and things were getting carried away. Ether wanted it real bad, but I didn't. I wanted you. So I left them there, and came back. That's the truth, Hotshot, I swear."

She wanted so badly to believe him. 

"I…"

"Hotshot, I won't have you thinking I did that. We can settle this once and for all. Come look in my head."

"What?" She felt so tired, all of a sudden, that all she wanted was to go back to her room, crawl under the covers, and sleep. She's had enough drama and excitement, enough late nights and emotional roller-coaster rides, and she missed the calming presence of Oceanus in her mind so much it actually made her head ache.

Irvine took her hand, and led her to the bed. "Ether can link us," he said, eagerly. "You can look in my mind, and see that I'm telling the truth."

__

It would be nice to know, for certain. She was sick of uncertainty, too, she realised.

Then they were sitting opposite each other on the bed, and he was holding her hands. "Just be careful not to get involved, Hotshot, okay? Just watch, or you could do some damage…"

She pulled her hands out of his. "No," she whispered. "I don't want this."

"But…"

She searched his anxious eyes, and knew the truth as clearly as if she'd gone into his mind. She reached out and touched his face. "I trust you," she said. "If you say it didn't happen, it didn't happen. I don't need to get in your head."

He threaded his fingers through her hair. "It didn't happen," he promised.

She let him pull her closer, and brush her lips with his. "I know," she whispered, and melted into his kiss.

He held her and kissed her for a long time, stroking her hair, moaning softly when she pressed her body against his. Eventually she glanced her lips past his ear with a whisper. "Ether?"

"You sure? He's mighty hungry, and I don't want… I just want to be with you, Hotshot, if you don't…"

"Irvine Kinneas," she pulled back a little to show him the wicked grin on her face. "Will you _ever_ get the message that I really, really," she clasped the buckle of his belt and tugged, "_really_ want to get in your pants?"

His answering grin was pure Kinneas, and set her body on fire.

He pulled Ether swiftly into junction, letting his Guardian choose what power to put where, just welcoming him into his mind, gasping at the flood of need that threatened to overwhelm him. 

~_Want. Need. Take.~_

Irvine pulled her t-shirt cleanly over her head, dipping his head to taste her creamy flesh, engulfing one nipple and a good amount of breast with his hungry mouth. She threw her head back, soft hair caressing her naked back, clutching his shoulders. 

__

~Share.~

Irvine tentatively opened his mind to Frila's, letting Ether rush between them.

~_Sniper. Shield. Want. Need. Take.~_

Irvine looked up at her, startled, her nipple falling from his mouth. "Shield?"

She let out a little whimper at the sudden loss of his touch to her aching breast. "It's a long story," she gasped. "Explain later. Fuck now."

Ether's need filled them both, and Irvine's curiosity vanished.

They clung feverishly to each other, a frenzy of wet kisses and stroking fingers, lost to their own desire and Ether's song. Clothes were flung to the floor and they explored each others' flesh with tongues and lips, limbs twining together, a mass of red hair and flushed skin, copper and flame.

After what felt like a long time, he rolled on top of her, and slipped inside her, hot and tight, felt the kick of her heels on his back as she wrapped her legs around him. He took her with full, unfettered passion, letting her love flow through the mind link to surround him, her body hot and eager and hungry underneath his. He thrust into her without fear, without regret, without restraint, devouring her mouth with his, tasting her thoughts, her feelings, her own overwhelming passion.

When she came, Ether sang in his head so loud he could hardly think; he could only sink into her pleasure and feel it with her, the pulsing release flowing through her body; he pressed his lips to her chest, where the wound had been, and felt her heart thumping, strong and hard, her lungs gasping air and letting it out on a long sigh. He closed his eyes tight and fell over the edge before he'd really believed he was there, shooting his come inside her in steady streams, each one pulling another thrill of bliss from his body.

~_Sniper. Shield. You are glorious.~_

Glorious? That makes a change, thought Irvine, wearily, as the last jerks of his orgasm subsided and he sought out her mouth with his for a final, sated kiss.

__

~I think that surpassed magnificent.~ Her voice, in his head. 

__

~Definitely,~ he agreed.

"Mmmm…" she murmured, out loud. "That was worth coming back for."

Irvine rolled slowly to one side, suddenly no longer confident that his arms were strong enough to keep him from crushing her. He lay on his back, and pulled her into his side, tucking her head under his chin, and settled to stroking her gorgeous, fascinating hair.

He sighed contentedly, and carefully closed the mind link, pulling Ether back.

They lay, still and quiet, as the first light of dawn came, lightening shadows to grey through Irvine's room.

"I'm really sorry I left your gunblade behind," he said. 

"That's okay."

"No, I mean, I'm really sorry. I know what it's like getting attached to a weapon. If I were ever to lose Exeter…"

"Don't be," she said. "It wasn't exactly lucky for me. It was my mother's. I never liked it much."

"Your mother's?"

"Yes. Dad insisted, family heirloom and all."

"Wow. There's so much I don't know about you, Hotshot. You know, I'm really looking forward to putting that right." He gave her a little hug.

She squeezed her eyes tight, drawing her breath deep into her lungs. 

She had to tell him. It had to be now. There would be no better time, and no worse time. It had to be now.

"I can't stay," she said, the breath that bore her words making a tendril of his hair flutter on his chest.

He didn't say anything, but his hand stilled on her hair.

"I can't be with you any more," she continued. "I have to let you go."

His mind was racing suddenly, as he tried to understand what she was telling him. He knew she loved him. She'd died for him, and he'd been in her head, and he _knew_ she loved him. He frowned.

"What if I don't want to be let go?" 

She pulled herself up onto one elbow, and looked into his eyes. "I have to do it just the same," she said. 

He started to believe she was serious. Panic flickered through his mind. He didn't want to lose her. She felt too good, in his arms like this. Too good. He swallowed hard.

"But I lo.."

She silenced him with a finger to his lips. "No," she said. "You don't. Not like I love you. Not like you love Selphie."

"That's not…" _That doesn't matter. You feel good. I want you._

"I've shared your mind, remember?" She stroked the hair back from his face. "Twice, now. I know exactly what you feel for me. It's nice. It's very hot," her eyes flashed lust for a second. "But you're not in love with me. And I have things to do."

"What kind of things?"

"Well, growing up, for one. I'm not sure I'm ready for all this… stuff. It's too big, too scary. I need to work hard, to pass my exams and graduate and be as strong as I possibly can. Much as I hate to admit it, being with you isn't really conducive to being a good student. At least, not in all the areas I need to be good in."

"When I thought I'd lost you, I…" 

"Oceanus gave his life to send me back for a purpose, Irvine."

"I could help." He reached out to touch her face, tracing a finger along her cheekbones, her blue-green eyes more intent and focused than he'd ever seen them.

"You'll have your own life to worry about. I can't believe Squall's going to leave you to your own devices for long. He'll be wanting to go dig up those caves and search every single crystal till he finds Bane. He's got the governments of the world getting really worried about the amount of power he's got, and that's not going to exactly get better after tonight's little incident. He'll need yet another recruitment drive after all the casualties… and he needs you, Irvine. You keep him balanced, you help him cope with it all. He needs your help. I've got to find my own way."

"But…" 

"I have other shit to deal with. I've got to sort out what happened with Sen, and come to terms with losing Oceanus, and Sanke… it's big stuff, and I've always done the big stuff on my own. It's how I am."

"You're dumping me," said Irvine, as if it had only just dawned on him.

She kissed him longingly, lingeringly. "Yes," she said. 

"I thought you…"

"You _know_," she corrected. "You _know_ I love you."

He looked at her, confused, and started to stroke her hair again. "I don't understand," he said.

"Trust me," she replied, snuggling back down against his chest. "I know I'm just a kid, and all this is kind of new to me, but I think it's close to what you were trying to tell me all along."

Irvine didn't want to think about it. He wanted to hold her like this for a long time, and for it not to be the last time, and if he didn't love her, if he wasn't _in_ love with her, well, did that really matter?

Deep in his heart, he remembered Selphie, and he knew that it did.

* * * * * * *

Squall sat leaning against the cliff, holding Rinoa close, his arms wrapped around her middle, her back nestling against his chest, as they watched the sunrise. The first grey wash of light was slowly being replaced by a rich glow of purple and gold; soft, buttery rays of sunshine just starting to slant across the sea. He rested his chin on Rinoa's salt-tangled hair, and smiled.

"Do you really think Quistis was ill?" she asked.

"Laguna said so." Squall gave her a little squeeze with his thighs, the leather of his jeans squeaking against her bare legs. "I said we wouldn't be back until this morning, and he said she was too far gone to care. When I said 'what?' he said something about champagne and her needing to lie down for a while. He promised to look after her."

"You think she's actually pissed, then? Quistis? Drunk?"

"Sounds like." Squall smiled. "I guess it must have been a weight off her mind, what with Seifer and everything. Nice to know she can cut loose."

"She's more fun than you'd think, once she lets her hair down," said Rinoa.

Squall wondered when she might have found that out, but he didn't say anything.

"I have sand absolutely everywhere," she added. "Just in case you were wondering."

"Me too," he agreed with a rueful grin. "We ought to go back for a shower. In a bit."

"Hmm." 

They sat in silence for a while, listening to crash of waves on the beach, the distant chorus of birdsong.

"I hope Hotshot's okay," said Rinoa, eventually. 

"Yes," said Squall. "Whatever happened back there, it's tough losing a Guardian. I remember when I lost Odin…"

"And Oceanus was her first Guardian." Rin rubbed her cheek slowly up and down his arm, raising goose-bumps and making the barely-visible hairs stand up, his skin suddenly tingling.

He nodded, kissed the top of her head. "The first one's always special." Shiva murmured to him, somewhere in the back of his mind, like a puff of misty breath in cold air.

Squall looked out to sea, an early morning breeze ruffling his long dark hair. For a moment, he thought he saw a shape in the surf, something like a dragon, gathering form and substance, wings and scales and noble head. 

But it crashed to the shore, just a wave after all.


	38. Epilogue

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Original characters, world and backstory belong to Squaresoft, lucky folks. 

This version has been censored to R-rating in line with ffnet policy; the full version is at my website, http:www.scribblemoose.co.uk 

Feedback very welcome, here or by e-mail (_fanfic@scribblemoose.co.uk__) _

Thank you to all my reviewers, here and elsewhere. Without your support this story probably would never have been finished, and certainly not as quickly. 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

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Memories ~ Epilogue

Frila and Sanke emerged hand in hand through the main gates of Balamb Garden, and Frila's heart sank.

She hated goodbyes. When she and Squall had agreed that it would be best to take Sanke somewhere safe, where they knew a lot about magic and Guardians, she'd thought seriously of sneaking off in the middle of the night without telling anyone else. She didn't want a lot of fuss. And she distinctly remembered saying that to Selphie, more than once, when she kept offering to organise a farewell party for the two of them. At least she'd managed to escape that. But there was no denying that this was a Send Off. 

Squall and Rinoa, Zell, Kellon, Xian, Xu and Selphie were waiting to say goodbye. And Irvine, she noticed, with a pang.

And there was bunting.

Sanke squealed delightedly, and threw herself into Irvine's waiting arms. Frila felt suddenly and horribly selfish.

"You came to say goodbye!" Sanke shrieked, kissing Irvine soundly on the nose.

"Of course, sweetheart," he said. "I need to know exactly when to start counting the days 'til you come back for your first visit. And besides, you might forget me if I don't say goodbye."

"You won't forget me," she scolded him. "If you do Hotshot'll smack your bottom!"

Irvine appeared suddenly to choke on something, and Frila carefully avoided his gaze.

"We couldn't just go our separate ways without a goodbye," said Selphie apologetically. 

"You're lucky we talked her out of the party," added Xu. "If she hadn't already organised the Victory Party and the Going-Home-of-the-Other-Gardens Party in the last fortnight, I don't think we could have stopped her."

"It's really nice of you to see us off," admitted Frila, graciously. "Thank you."

"I'll miss you," blurted Kellon, and immediately blushed pink, clearly a little over-awed by such auspicious company.

"Me too," said Frila, dropping her bag to give her friend a hug.

"Where's Quistis?" Rinoa hissed to Selphie. "She said she'd be here, she was going to get the thing." She waggled her eyebrows meaningfully. 

"She was having trouble with Seifer," said Selphie. "I swear I'll crack that boy across the head one day soon. Can I, Squall, please?"

Squall grunted. "Fine by me." He was sitting on the wall, as stunningly gorgeous as ever, kicking his heels against the brick.

"Oh, there's Quisty," said Zell. "With Laguna. She must have had a scrap with Seifer, she looks all… mussed."

"Looks like she won, though," said Irvine, regarding the approaching Quistis with a searching look. "One way or the other," he added, with a smirk.

Quistis smiled at Frila, and pulled Squall off the wall, whispering frantically into his ear.

"What? Oh," he said. "Right. Um, Hotshot. Um."

Quistis kicked him swiftly in the shins.

"We've got something for you," said Squall, with a brief glare at Quistis.

He reached behind the wall, and pulled out a long, narrow case. 

A gunblade case.

"Oh no," she whispered, "I couldn't."

Squall offered her the gift, his eyes capturing hers with his usual, steady gaze. He blew a stray bit of hair out of his eyes. "You can't practice if you don't have a weapon," he said. "And if you don't practise, by the time I get to Esthar to coach you I'll really kick your ass."

She took the case with trembling fingers.

"Oooh!" yelled Sanke, rushing to Frila's side. "Open it, open it! They gave me a bracelet, and Irvy got me special chocolate and pencils, and I hoped they'd give you something… go on, open it!"

Frila slowly popped the latches on the case, and opened the lid.

"If Odine gives you or Sanke any trouble, just a quick crack round the ruff with that should sort him out," suggested Selphie, hopping from foot to foot.

"It's got a bit of something from all of us," said Rinoa. "So don't worry if it gets a bit glowy."

She could see the slight glimmer of colours in the blade, and felt the magic. A lot of magic. Almost as much as Lionheart. Well, not quite. But almost. 

It was engraved, a water dragon twining round a tree.

"It's beautiful," she said, a single tear splashing on the polished metal before she closed the lid. "Thank you. Oh, gods, thank you. I…" She struggled, determined not to cry.

Thankfully, Laguna came out of nowhere and gave her a little hug. "Time to go," he said. "Goodbyes suck, eh?"

She nodded, too choked to speak.

There was a frenzy of hugging, and she caught the scent of Irvine's hair, a strong squeeze around her shoulders that just had to be him. Then she was in the car, brushing tears from her cheeks as she pulled the seat-belt on, and Laguna was starting the ignition, and they drove away, Sanke waving frantically out of the window, blowing kisses to her favourite cowboy.

Frila set her eyes on the horizon, and didn't look back.

* * * * * * *

"You notice no-one came to tell us goodbye," grumbled Zell. 

"Well, that could be because we're only going for a fortnight," said Irvine. 

Zell sighed. "All the same, it would be nice."

"Forget it," said Irvine, slinging his pack over his shoulder. "Goodbyes are terrible. You always think of all this stuff to say, and then there's the hugging and the awkwardness, and you forget it all. Besides, we're not leaving or anything. We're only going on vacation."

"Vacation," said Zell, with a grin. "That's a word you don't hear around these parts too often, eh? Hyne, I'm looking forward to a rest."

Irvine laughed, and clapped him on the back.

"If things go according to plan, we won't be getting much rest, Zelly-boy."

He wasn't sure, but he thought Zell might have blushed a little.

Irvine looked along the road to Balamb station, dust blowing on the early-summer breeze. 

"Well, man," he said, taking a deep breath. "We're young, free and single. That means one thing."

"Huh?"

Irvine clapped him on the back, hard enough that he almost fell over.

"Galbadia, here we come."

Their exit was interrupted by the pounding of boots on gravel as Squall ran to catch up with them.

"Hey," he panted, "were you going to slink off without saying goodbye?"

Irvine shrugged. "That was kind of the idea. You'll be alright without us, won't you? For a whole two weeks? Now the sand rash has died down and all…"

Squall glared at him. "You promised, Kinneas," he growled. "No more with the sand rash."

Irvine grinned. "Sorry, man. Just slipped out. Must be rough."

Zell snorted laughter, and Squall extended the range of his glare to include them both.

"Be good," he ordered.

"Always," smirked Irvine, setting Zell off giggling all over again.

"Go," said Squall, with an exasperated grin. "Goodbye."

Irvine tipped his hat, and they headed off down the road.

"Be back before you know it," he called back.

Squall watched them go, resisting a terrible urge to wave.

"You'd better be," he muttered. 

~FIN~

~?~


End file.
